How I Stifled My Life with Anticipation and "What If"

How I Stifled My Life with Anticipation and "What If" 

Joe Kou

3/20/2012

At work I noticed a point that has become more prominent lately, wherein I experience fear and constriction and a kind of panic begins to rattle within me whenever one of my difficult cases goes well or I have a 'good week' and my cases get resolved one after another.

Within me I begin to experience the“What if” forms of backchat and fear and anticipation where I begin to ask myself those nagging “What if” questions that immediately place me into a position of projecting my current fears and anxieties into the future and then become paralyzed within fearing that I will actually manifest and have to face the very thingthat I am fearing.

Examples of this would be:

“What if my next round of difficult cases do not go through?”

“What if I fail a bunch of my cases next week?”

“What if I am not able to keep up this pace of work?”

“What if I never get this one difficult case resolved?” 

(Check out the exclusive interview "What If" for awesome insight and perspective on how we actually use this question to keep us repeating limiting patterns and how to support ourselves to stop) 

What will usually follow is I will begin to get more 'cautious' when working on my cases, and will end up spending more time on preparing for them even when I know there is nothing else I can prepare and that this act of 'preparing' is in fact me stalling for time and trying find a way to not have to face the anxiety and fear of the case not getting resolved. Within this anticipation I will actually lose self trust and become possessed by the backchat of “What if” and will begin to create pictures and thoughts of me failing the case and having to find other ways to get the issue resolved with often leads to the company losing money or leads to me having to pay for losses out of my wage.

So what happens? Of course eventually as the fear and anxiety builds I become more nervous and less confident in my own ability and begin to resonate this 'essence' as my very being and the self fulfilling prophecy of fear manifests – I end up messing up on an aspect of the case I am working on or I get the timing or my execution wrong or I give off the wrong impression or tonality when making my case and trying to negotiate a resolution and end up complicating the case or outright having it get rejected. Or, I will get myself so anxious about the case that I will keep postponing it or pushing it further back toward the end of my schedules and as I do this the problems of that case compound and become harder to negotiate and work with because often these cases are time sensitive and some customers are already impatient and demanding a resolution immediately. All of this due to the participation of fear and the “what if”.

So firstly, self-forgiveness on participating in the “What if” and allowing this system of fear to direct and influence my work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ask within myself as backchat “What if” questions that lead me to self-doubt and anxiety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, before I begin a to work on a case, think about the cases that I have completed so far and compare them with the cases I have failed and within this to go into a point of doubt and reaction within me if my performance has not been as good as before, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly judge myself and compare myself to the past as 'results' based on whether I 'win' or 'lose' a case instead of being here and simply doing what is necessary to be done in THIS MOMENT.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and hold a grudge against myself for cases that I have not been able to resolve or cases that I have had to drag out and cases that I have failed and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I am not getting these cases done instead of taking into consideration the complexity and nature of the cases I am handling and looking at each case practically instead of personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I fail a case, I am thus a 'failure' and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotionally influenced by my own reactions and judgments instead of realizing that I am the only one judging myself and that rejection and failure are a part of my job which I must be able to handle and not take personally, because it really isn't personal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure and fear making mistakes and fear not getting one of my cases resolved and instead of realizing that this fear is self created based on memories of the past and fear of loss, to have allowed myself to doubt myself and judge myself and be critical of myself which only adds to the difficulty of getting my work done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my self-value upon the number of cases I am successful at instead of seeing and realizing that I am my own point of self value and that anything 'outside' and separate of myself that I am depending on as part of my self definition is only going to lead to polarity and conflict because I am not in fact accepting me but seeking something outside of me that can never infact fulfill that which I am not allowing myself to give to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated and angry and moody when I have a case go 'bad' or when I am not getting my work done in the time that I would like instead of realizing that I am experiencing the 'loss' of my self definition and that I am in those moments possessed by an emotional reaction and am projecting it outwards into my environment instead of realizing that I am the one who is creatingthe conflict within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate and push off the cases where there are elements that make the case difficult and raise the chances that I may not succeed the first few rounds, wherein I 'wait' until I 'feel better' or wait until there is somebody else that I think would be 'better' at the case than I am and then make them responsible for it instead of directing the case myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate fear with not having a case be resolved or successful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others are going to judge me or speak negatively about me if I am not always successful at my cases when I am only projecting my own backchat and self-talk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally and be hard on myself when I am not able to get a case resolved and the company ends up losing money instead of realizing that nothing of our current system is based on actual honor or dignity and that everyone is 'losing' moneyby allowing the current system to continue. Thus I do not take it personally that sometimes the system does not 'work' the way we are told it is supposed to because the system in fact does not support what is best for all and 'loss' is part of the equation of the current debt system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself when I must pay for messed up cases out of my own money and feed the fear and anxiety that I experience wherein I worry about losing and having to make do with less money.

I am NOT a “WHAT IF” question. I am here. Thus when I see/notice myself participating in the what if and experience the sensation of constriction and tightness and the 'rattling' of fear within the center of me, I will stop and assist myself by breathing and letting go of what I am thinking about and worrying about, and realize that even if I mess up on a case it is not anything good or bad and nothing to take personally – I am operating within the system and must do what I do to make a living and 'who I am' is not defined by and as my job or my job performance – 'who I am' is what I accept and allow within and as me.

Thus, when I see/notice myself asking 'what if' within my backchat or postponing cases or trying to 'wait' for a better time to do them I will stop and give myself a moment to breathe and realize that this is not in any way personal and that I simply require to do my job one task and one case at a time and that any worry, fear, or anxiety within me is not going to assist me in getting my work done any sooner and will only increase the chances that I will end up manifesting the fear.

So as I work I will work each case effectively and if I am not successful I will not allow myself to take it personally or beat myself up or blame myself, and will simply adjust and do the next step that is required to be done. And when I am successful at a difficult case or a series of cases I will not take it personally or give myself an ego boost because I realize it is simply a task to be done in order for me to make money and survive in the system and that there is nothing to get excited about.

In looking at this specific point of where I go into panic and anticipation of failure and self-doom within the “What If” fear system, I realize that this issue, like any other issue, has deeper roots than just what is on the surface. So while I do have some points with work and stress that effect my performance and contributes to the “what if” fear, this particular system of fear originated within me many years ago into my childhood and has been growing/developing along with “me” - becoming a part of me as my personality and thus becoming a part of the “who I am”.

So now the question is what is this fear? Where did it come from and how did it allow it to become part of my life through these years?

My most prominent memory of this “What if” and the fear that drives it:

Within my life I have experienced a consistent pattern of things 'suddenly not working out', where in the beginning of moving to a new environment or having to adjust to changes within my world there is a period of getting used to the new changes and a period of 'discomfort' but after that I begin to grow accustomed to the change. What happens here is that I would have to first adjust to losing any self-definitions that I had attached to my previous situation and then develop new personalities and associations through which to define myself by and be able to generate energy for and as the mind – this is of course before realizing that we are able to support ourselves to remain HERE as who we are in each moment regardless of where we are or who we are with or what we must do. 

So for many years of my life this pattern would play out where I would adjust to a new situation and have to face the pain and resistance of being 'forced' to let go of old connections, and I imprinted within myself a 'dread' of things suddenly changing or things not working out because then I would have to face again the point of my 'world' collapsing. So whenever things were going 'smoothly' or things begin to 'settle' or when I would see that I am in a different setting and my old programming/identity/personality would no longer fit or be supported, I would experience the panic and the constriction because “What if I actually allow myself to change and adapt to this new setting but then everything changes and I have to start over again?”, and once that “What if...” question is asked I begin to compound the point of anticipation where each day the point grows of anticipating that things just won't work out and that if I fully invest myself into this point it will end up backfiring and I will end up losingeverything and having to start over again.

So the trigger is whenever I am becoming settled or established in a point – whether it is a project or moving to a new place, or starting a new job, or settling down with a new partner – the anticipation within me builds and I "lose" myself in the self-doubt of “What if I am not in the right place? What if thisall turns to shit? What if I made a huge mistake and now I'm stuck here?” - all of this stemming from childhood experiences of instability and having to 'cope' with sudden changes and losses and having to redefine self many times and not quite being able to 'fit-in' or be comfortable due to constantly anticipating the next 'big change'.

Redefining Words - “Anticipate”

The key word that I would like to look at here is 'anticipate'

an-tic-i-pate (verb)

1. Regard as probable; expect or predict.
2. Guess or be aware of (what will happen) and take action in order to be prepared.

In my life I have often participated in the anticipation of what may come 'next' because I was afraid of having to lose everything, having to start all over, having to lose all of my friends and need to make new ones, having to let go of my current relationships in which I have established 'myself' and have to created/establish new ones, and fearing that I will never 'catch up' with others because of me always shifting and moving and not actually becoming established in a field of study or interest or a career.

Thus I tried to 'anticipate' what might happen and try to prepare myself as best I could and always be 'on the lookout' for the next turn in the road or next 'surprise' so that I can try to outmaneuver or outmatch anything that might threaten my 'stability' – but in this I did not consider that there is no way to actually plan for every contingency and that by focusing on what 'might happen' and trying to prepare myself for the unseen is only going to feed the idea that I will eventually be caught 'off guard' and will have to lose everything and 'start over' – and did not consider that it has been so easy for me to 'lose everything' because I have spent so much of my time trying to find 'stability' and trying to dodge the next hurdle that I never actually allowed myself to fully develop myself and trust that whatever comes, I will continue. 

Through the years of participating in anticipation I missed out on practical participation such as focusing on my education and training and developing my relationships and networks – thus I was in fact creating the instability that I had been trying to run from – because I find myself too anxious and stressed or too nervous to actually focus on the jobs that I would have, or to allow myself the time and space to do my studies effectively, and would not allow myself to fully invest in and participate in relationships in my world out of fear that it would 'not work' in the 'end' – as though I could already see the end before even allowing myself to really go for something and allow myself to really develop something from the beginning and not allowing myself to give up so easily and disregarding the time and application it takes to really make something work in this reality.

Thus I see that anticipation is actually an anti-participation – where the more I tried to anticipate the future or anticipate what might be possible, I was disregarding my actual, practical participation in my world – I was disregarding my actual daily living and was not focusing on the tasks at hand because I was too worried about the 'future', projecting my current instability into my future reality instead of correcting myself HERE and PARTICIPATING.

Thus instead of anti-participating my own life and my own future, I see and realize that my 'future' is in my own hands and that fearing and trying to avoid the 'future' is really me fearing and trying to avoid me, because I create me in every moment and by doubting my ability to create stability and an effective living for myself in the future I am saying that I doubt myself here and now.

When I see and notice myself anti-participating and postponing or hesitating or allowing myself to fear making new relationships or commitments or taking on a task or project I will stop and see that by anti-participating I am only going to re-create my pattern of disappointment and having to 'lose it all' – which I have had QUITE ENOUGH OF. Thus when an opportunity is here within my world I will simply consider it and move myself within what is best for all and will not allow myself to anti-participate. I will instead PARTICIPATE and allow myself to make 'mistakes' and learn and realize that if I keep giving up and doubting myself and trying to find 'stability' outside of me, I will never actually develop anything worthwhile or lasting in this reality, which is based on consistency of accumulation and participation, where I am part of the PARTY of life instead of being a constant drifter, floating on the waves of the Anti-Party-Sea and PARTITION myself in isolation.

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“Pieces of Self and the Process of Bringing it all Back”

Joe Kou

2/19/2012

For many years I have existed within a resistance to traveling to certain places and in general 'being in public' due to having suppressed myself and isolated myself throughout my life – where over time, I developed and kept feeding into a fear and resistance of being in the 'outside world' and participating in 'normal life'. My way of overcoming this was to create personalities and different 'versions' of 'me' which I would prepare and present myself as in order to defend myself from the fears and resistances that I had created within my mind. I discovered that by creating separate personalities within my mind and then 'stepping into' these personalities, I am able to interact with my world and suppress the fear and resistances – in this way 'at least' I was able to get around and get things done.

An example of this would be having a certain personality prepared in case I would encounter a being in my world that might ask me a question related to something that I have suppressed within myself and did not want to expose and would rather keep secret – I would thus create a 'backstory' and have excuses and justifications ready so that if I were to face such a situation I would already be prepared and would not be caught 'off guard' and would be able to maintain what I believed to be a social acceptance from other beings in my life. For every 'fault' that I saw within myself, or any point that I was ashamed of, I would have personalities and stories and excuses prepared for and developed the 'skill' of keeping my 'stories' straight as people in my world sometimes intermingle and I would have to 'manage' the relationships in ways that would allow me to continue the false personalities that I had sold myself as.

As I matured these personalities also evolved and became more sophisticated – along with the backstories and justifications that I had created to support the presentation of myself as I interacted with the world – continuing to suppress and hide and judge myself for 'being this way' while at the same time creating, feeding, and maintaining more and more fake personalities in order to 'fit in' and as I began to work and make a living to support myself, the personalities were also linked and connected to my survival within the matrix – wherein my ability to maintain my personalities became a part of my actual survival in this world.

What I have come to see within having lived in this way is that I have not in fact established ME as life and that I actually do not know 'how to be me' because for the majority of my life now I have only existed as these separate personalities – shifting like a chameleon from one personality/dimension to the next, constantly trying to 'hold on' to a sense of 'self' but never actually facing me and standing and expressing as me.

Now, looking at the relationships that I have created within my life I see that I have not actually gotten to know another person no matter how close I may have been to that person – because I have never actually gotten to know myself – I have rather been busy shifting from one personality to another always trying to survive and always trying to further suppress the points of pain, anger, frustration, hatred, jealousy that I have carried within myself, fearing to express those dimensions of myself and fearing to lose the perceived 'stability' that the relationships in my world seemed to provide – when in fact all I was doing was placing more and more barriers between me and my actual experience of myself in the form of friends and social interactions and professional relationships that supported my suppression and accepted/validated the false presentations of me.

It is not a pleasant realization – to self honestly see and investigate what one has buried and resisted and feared to face and seeing that due to not facing such points immediately and having the courage to live as who we are within self honesty in each moment, we end up looping ourselves constantly and continuously and eventually we become directed by and consumed by the very ghosts we tried to banish into the dark recesses of our minds, tucked behind the veneer of fake faces and personalities for fear that if we actually were to speak up and share ourselves and dare to actually stand up we would be rejected and cast out, not seeing and realizing that we are in each moment already rejecting and casting ourselves out – we are not allowing ourselves to see who we are in self honesty and we are not allowing ourselves to actually and practically heal the wounds we inflict upon ourselves within our self-dishonesty and self-separation. We end up as 'broken' people – beings composed of pieces and splinters and fragments of a life that was once whole, existing as several different fragments – each piece a remnant from some event or situation in our lives in which we did not trust the totality of ourselves as life and instead compromised ourselves – whether it is a 'little white lie' we tell to a friend to help them cope but not in fact assist them practically to face directly what was going on in their lives because we were more concerned with keeping the friendship than supporting the other person in facing themselves, to the moments where we knew we were abusing ourselves with destructive behavior but did not stop ourselves and simply accepted the abuse as who we are, or believing that we deserve such abuse and self flagellation, or perhaps we believed that there is something wrong with us as we compared our actual experience to the picture that we see in the world, not realizing that people just like us are likely holding on to the same pain, the same guilt, the same broken pieces stitched together as a presentation never actually certain of it's real expression because it is constantly broken down and rearranged to hide it's incongruities.

So here I am sharing and taking responsibility for my own point of having existed not as myself as the point of realizing that I have been hiding all my life from myself – and in this I have neglected the actual relationships in my world and have not established who I am. I am sharing this because I see that we do NOT have to exist this way and that we ARE able to release ourselves from the pain, from the secrets, from having suppressed ourselves for so long as the life that we all all. We do not have to judge ourselves for what we have done – we do not have to hide or feel ashamed for what we have become as a result of not facing ourselves and fearing to not be able to survive or function in this this world. We do NOT have to fear our own fear!

I am sharing this story of me because this story, unlike others that I have created in my life to support personalities with which to hide myself behind – is the actual 'story' of me as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and what I am doing now that I have the tools and support to see myself, face myself, and change myself so that we no longer need to fear one another – so that we can begin to create a world in which no matter where we are, no matter whom we interact with, no matter what has occurred within our lives that caused us to give in to our fear and compromise ourselves, we can immediately stand up, speak, and share ourselves with one another and realize that nothing is ever personal – that we have, together, created a world based on suppression, distrust, and fear and that we are the solution by stopping that suppression, stopping the distrust, and stopping the fear that exist within ourselves.

How many of us have lived in this way our entire lives, believing that the only way to survive is to maintain the characters we must play in the relationships we have created as a reaction to a world system that does not support life equally? Let us stop blaming ourselves for what we have had to do to ourselves and each other in our fear for survival – stop regretting the lies and dishonesties upon which we have build the world as it exists today and the precious moments of life we have given up to our minds and personalities and fears and limitations and from HERE, walk a process of self-forgiveness, self-honesty, and self-change and bring all of the pieces of self back TOGETHER.

So let us stop fearing to share ourselves – stop fearing to care about ourselves and each other – stop believing that our pains and fears must be kept hidden instead of realizing the solution of standing up within and as our fears and pains and ending the isolationism that has kept us so separate from ourselves and each other that we have forgotten that the voices in our head are not real and that the pains and struggles that any being faces in this world are equally our own.

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Do You DARE to End Fear in One BREATH?

A destonian asked me today “Do you dare to end fear in one single breath?”

This question 'struck' me because I wanted to say yes. I wanted to say “I dare to end fear in one single breath” but within me there was the immediate hesitation, and within that moment I said “I want to say yes, but self honestly the answer is no”.

Why did I say that? Why did I allow that to be the answer that I live and exist as? Who am I in relation to ending fear in one breath?

The first point that comes up is memories and experiences wherein I have made declarations and promises before but did not live up to them or ended up giving up on them – so the first reaction within me was the thought that it would be 'best' to not make such statements when I am not absolutely certain that I can live up to them because then I would be lying to myself and will only create a bigger time loop for me to walk through – but really this is still just limitation and excuses to remain limited. This is still the same design of enslavement that has kept humanity excusing itself from actually changing and doing whatever it takes, no matter what, to stand up and take responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the words “Do you dare to end fear in one single breath?” within separating myself from those words as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living the statement of ending fear in one single breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not ending fear in one breath due to not taking self responsibility for what self is accepting and allowing to exist within self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not living up to the statement of “I dare to end fear in one breath”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain within the limitation of fearing to end fear in one breath so that I can continue to justify my position of limitation and continue to remain 'powerless' and pretend that I am not responsible for my self-creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist changing me and walking the physical correction of me to stop the patterns and experiences and memories that I have existed as because such patterns and experiences and memories are not real in fact and will only keep me enslaved to living in my past and trying to fix my past instead of being here and realizing that here, in each breath, is the opportunity to change me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by the fear of failure and projecting failure into my future within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to end fear in one breath because apparently fear is who and what I stand equal to and thus resist letting go of because then I would actually be letting go of a part of me which provided me with a way of not actually dealing with my life because I would always be able to hide behind fear as a distraction and excuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ending fear in one breath because if I did not have fear and did not accept or allow fear within me, there would no longer be any more excuses for me to not live fully in each moment and actually stand up within myself and my world and do whatever I can to make a difference because then I would no longer fear failure, fear opinions of others, fear my past, or fear my own projected limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'talk' myself out of being able to stop fear in one breath due to fear of not being able to stop fear in one breath and thus have to experience a fall within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate stopping fear in one breath with the thought and belief that it is not possible because this is just 'the way I am' because this is not in fact so and is only a self-belief.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as me the statement “I dare to end fear in one breath”.

When I notice myself facing a point of fear within myself I will stop and bring myself back HERE and live the statement of “I dare to end fear in one breath” and I will move myself to immediately correct myself and work with the situation that I find myself in without fear or anxiety and will not accept or allow fear or anxiety within me and in this I will live as me the statement “I dare to stop fear in one breath”.

When I notice myself participating in fear within myself I will stop because I realize that I am the one who creates the fear and I am the one who allows the fear to have an 'effect' on me, so within that realization I do not require to experience or allow fear to direct who I am, because the fear will only protect my limitations.

The next point I noticed within me was the 'eternity' aspect of making a statement such as “I dare to end fear in one single breath” - such a statement is a 'forever' statement that can only be true if it stands the test of time, and within this was intimidation and fear because forever according to the mind is a very long 'time' and in that time, I accepted and allowed myself to project backdoors and already anticipate that I will indeed continue to fall to fear and experience the disappointment of not living up to my words. So already, I have excused and justified why I am not able to make a statement and stand by it for eternity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making statements that stand for eternity because I have not trusted myself or developed within myself sufficient self trust and discipline to stand within and as the statement of “I dare to end fear in one breath”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making and living the statement of “I dare to end fear in one breath” only to be faced with a fear and not live up to the statement and thus diminish my point of self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself the opportunity to live the statement of “I dare to end fear in one breath” within holding on to my current ideas and beliefs and limitations and believing that I am not able to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making eternal statements because I fear that I do not have the sufficient self will and self discipline to make a decision that lasts for eternity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear eternity because I fear repeating the mistakes of my past and thus project those mistakes into the future, which I then compound when considering the span of “eternity” as an infinite 'future' in which I am able to make many many more mistakes and failures.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making the same mistakes from my past because there are still points within myself and my environment which I have not transcended and within this I fear that I will not be able to stand eternally within a point because I have not yet transcended what I am currently facing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of “I do not trust myself now so I cannot ever trust myself” as a way to abdicate myself and deny my responsibility to change self and direct self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I make the statement of “I dare to stop fear in one breath” then it means that I must, from now on, never experience fear again – instead of realizing that it is not about never experiencing fear, but to stop fear in one breath each and every time from now into eternity until fear no more exists within me or my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that making and living the statement of “I dare to stop fear in one breath” means that in one breath I must forevermore never experience or have to face fear again, and within that expectation I already talk myself out of being able to practically live the statement “I dare to stop fear in one breath”.

I realize that “time” according to the mind is not real and that 'eternity' does not exist as some vast expanse outside of myself projected forever into the future, but is in fact already HERE. Thus who I am now, and what I am currently accepting of myself in this moment, is the self that is being lived into eternity – which means that who I am as the current accumulation of 'me' is the 'me' that will exist within and as eternity, and that in each moment I am responsible for ensuring that who I am and what I accumulate as me is what is best for all, because then what is best for all is what I am contributing and existing as for 'eternity'.

So within this, I live the word 'eternity' not as some future outside of myself that goes on forever and ever separate from me, over which I apparently have no influence, but rather 'eternity' is that which is already here, that which is the infinite moment – thus to live a statement for eternity is to live a statement in each moment – in each breath – which can only be done breath by breath. And as I push and will myself to live breath by breath and ensure that I am living fully and in self honesty in each breath, one after the other, one forgiving and letting go of the other and not worrying about the 'next' breath that is not yet here, I will be able to live any statement into the eternity that is HERE.

The next point I saw within this was that at the moment there are still points within myself and my environment where I am not the directive principle of me, where I still allow myself to participate in fear, still allow myself to remain enslaved to the mind and abdicate myself to a position in which I simply 'let life happen to me' and 'go along for the ride' instead of taking the wheel for myself and directing myself in each moment and ensuring that my actions are always accumulating within what is best for all. It is in such places where backchat and self-defeat reside – the corners where I have abdicated myself the most – the people and situations that I have always dreaded and feared – are the places that I must walk through and stand within to forevermore establish beyond the shadow of any doubt that I indeed remain and that I will not fall, and that the words that I speak as declarations of self will stand the test of time. I realize this because if there is anything within me that I am fearing to direct, fearing to face, fearing to take responsibility for, then I am not actually trustworthy because I will continue to abdicate myself and compromise my self honesty in order to remain 'safe' from that fear – thus any statement of self cannot actually be trusted if self is not trustworthy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist taking responsibility for who I am and what I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in in relation to my current situation and environment because of believing that I am not able to stand up and change within this specific circumstance and thus should simply allow myself to go along 'for the ride' and allow myself to be moved by consequence instead of self direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and resist my current situation instead of realizing that this is the exact situation behind which I have hidden many of my fears and limitation and that it is only my mind as ego and self interest that is telling me that I should find a way 'out' so as not to have to actually face myself and what I have created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the environment and the people in my life right now within separation and comparison, and within this, fear to stand up and direct myself because of fearing that I may fail and make things worse for me if I “rock the boat”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, for my entire existence, not trust or value myself enough to stand up and change myself and face all of the points where I abdicate myself and give myself over to fear and limitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am able to just 'get on with life' and allow life to 'sort things out' on my behalf without having to face manifested consequences and have to take responsibility for myself and my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and fear living the statement “I dare to stop fear in one breath” because that would mean I would have to no longer participate in the excuses and fears and limitations that I currently experience in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to resist facing who I am and who I have designed myself to be and taking the responsibility to change me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'wait' until I have the answer or wait until some better solution presents itself before I take the initiative to direct myself and my world.

I stop allowing myself to procrastinate and complain and argue in regards to my life and my circumstances because I realize that I am alone responsible for how I am experiencing myself within my reality and that I am responsible for what I am accepting and allowing within myself, which manifests within my world as the reflection of me.

I stop complaining and arguing about my life and my situation within my backchat to myself within getting myself into a state of self defeat and depression because I see and realize that this will only further enslave me to my experiences and will not assist or support me in changing my world or my experience.

When I see myself throwing myself a 'pity party' I will stop, bring myself to a complete and total stop and realize that such pity parties will only prolong my experience and will only lead to more polarity as I shift from the negative into the positive only to start all over again as I feed the energetic addictions of my design, believing that this is what it is to be 'alive'. Thus I will stop and realize that throwing myself a pity party and not supporting myself and simply resorting to whining and complaining within myself as backchat or to others in my world will only feed that exact experience further, and will actually support that very experience within this world because I am standing one and equal to it.

When I see myself complaining and whining instead of directing myself and walking the solution as myself, I stop and realize that I am only arguing for my limitations and that I am only enslaving myself further to consequence instead of being self-directed. Thus I will myself to STOP whining and complaining about my life and my situation and instead investigate how I created this current situation and how I am responsible for directing it within what is best for all – thus giving myself back to myself, equalizing myself to “God” by forgiving myself and creating myself 'anew'.

Thus I now live the statement of “I dare to stop fear in one breath” instead of “I do not dare to stop fear in one breath” - breath by breath I will live this and I will continue to bring myself back to breath each time I 'lose' myself, until I am here, as the eternal statement “I dare to stop fear in one breath”.

I am grateful for this fellow destonian for bringing up this question - and I encourage all to ask themselves as well. 

Bloggity Vlog - Equalizing self to daily blogging/vlogging and establishing a framework

Last night I did not write a blog or do a vlog, as per my commitment to blogging/vlogging each day, and within looking at this point i see that in the days leading up to this i had been participating in thoughts of needing to get my blogging/vlogging done each day and making it a 'rule' that i do this, thus creating daily blogging/vlogging to be an entity separate from self - something that i required to push myself to do because i had made it a 'rule' and not an actual self-movement. so as i continued to allow pressure, stress, and anxiety over the point of doing a blog/vlog each day, the point compounded and i found myself at a state of not actually being HERE, not actually blogging/vlogging from a starting-point of actual self-expression or self-support - and rather i was actually feeding my mind - feeding the constructs within me - possessed by the idea/thought of having to do a blog/vlog each day - and the resistance grew around that point. i found myself going into stress and anxiety whenever it would get late into the evening and i had not yet done my blog/vlog, and would compound this point of stress and anxiety and 'force' myself through it without actually investigating or supporting myself within the resistance - which only suppressed the point.

i realized that i was not actually writing for self-support - that i was writing just to maintain a commitment to write and post a blog/vlog each day - as though by virtue of me doing the act of posting a blog and uploading a vlog each day i was then 'supporting myself'- when in fact i was supporting an idea/opinion which ultimately lead to a lockdown/possession where i would experience massive resistance due to wanting to present myself a certain way, wanting to 'maintain' my blogging and vlogging to fit the idea i had about it.

so within this i have also constructed the point of polarity within 'not doing a vlog/blog' each day - setting up for myself the eventuality of an energetic 'low' if i do not blog/vlog because the starting point was of energy - of mind.

thus i now support myself to drop all rules - and stick to principle. it is not about whether or not i blog/vlog daily - it is who i am within it all, and how i will direct myself within each moment. it does not actually support me or anyone when i am not actually sharing self-realization or sharing self within actual vulnerability - it is ego and self-interest to want to blog/vlog from a starting-point of wanting validation or seeking some form of acceptance/redemption.

the correction here is not to stop blogging or vlogging daily - nor is it to force myself to blog/vlog from a starting-point of ego/mind. it is to clear the starting-point and get self-honest with who i am in the point of blogging/vlogging so that i am HERE and not writing from/as the mind and not going into energetic possession or losing myself within knowledge/information within my vlogs.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within blogging and vlogging daily

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to resist and compound the resistance to blogging and vlogging daily within separating self from blogging and vlogging and creating blogging and vlogging as a 'rule' that must be followed

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear others judging me for not blogging/vlogging daily each day

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not blogging/vlogging each day

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i cannot share myself unconditionally and that i must be 'clear', and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to place pressure upon myself to constantly and continuously be 'expanding' and 'bettering' myself and sharing this expansion of self within my blogs and vlogs

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i must be a 'model' for others in terms of self-expansion and self-correction, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not changing, not expanding, not living up to the 'model' that i believe i must be

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind within it's interpretation of how i am doing within my process and within this, i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others and judge myself as inferior to the expression of others in blogs and vlogs.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing self, and within this, i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that that which can be deleted was ever real or of actual substance

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am my mind and that the thoughts, emotions, and feelings that my consciousness experiences is real or lasting or special in any way.

I am HERE - and my starting-point within blogging and vlogging daily is to support myself within self-expansion and self-realization - and within this it is not about making sure that i post or upload something every day - it is to make sure that i am not in my MIND every day. always it is the starting-point that determines the manifested consequences.

When i see that it is not practical/effective for me to vlog or post a blog, i will not do so and will direct myself and support myself through applying self-forgiveness spoken or written, and/or i will support myself by investigating what is the actual resistance/fear that is in the way, and/or i will support myself within moving and participating within my actual reality if i see i am getting locked down and going into resistance doing the writing or vlogging, and/or i will assist myself within directing myself to take a nap and 'sleep it off' and return to the point the moment i wake up, and/or i will see whether there is something in my actual physical participation that requires change or direction.

i continue my application of blogging/vlogging - without holding on to any ideas or thoughts/opinions or making it a 'rule' that must be followed - and simply move myself within the point and trust self to direct self in that moment if i see that vlogging/blogging will not be effective/practical to do in that moment.

Getting behind the wheel and facing demonic possession

Within this point of 'procrastination' that i am currently walking through, i have been applying myself within getting things done and not allowing myself to participate in justifications and excuses in order to not do something when in actual practical reality it is something that i can get done.

today, the point of me driving a car opened up - driving is a point where i require to assist myself and get effective at and is a point that i have allowed to compound for many years, and is a point upon which many other layers are attached - thus it is not just me learning how to drive effectively in a car - but me letting go of and reprogramming self within no longer having the definition of 'i don't drive' which i have been using for several years as a justification/excuse to not actually face myself within other points such as getting a more effective job, going to school, being more 'social', taking care of errands and chores effectively - all were 'put off' within the procrastination point and driving was the main 'default' excuse for me not getting those points done.

so today when i saw there was a possibility of driving a car for a bit in order to get myself back behind the wheel and get over my resistances, fears, and anxieties around driving - i initially did not want to do it and reasoned that i am not at a point yet where i feel comfortable driving - yet within this i realized the total and utter nonsense logic behind not wanting to do something in order to build experience and effectiveness because i'm not already effective lol. and also within the point of pushing through procrastination, i eventually got myself around to taking up the task.

it was arranged that i would drive the car for a little bit to get to the local laundromat from the house - and as i drove i realized that i was not fully HERE, in awareness of what was going on. i was not in actual and full control of the vehicle because i was not in actual and full control of self in that moment as i experienced myself 'sinking' within thoughts of having an accident, and a general and sudden fear of not knowing what i'm doing.

what i see is that over years of creating the idea of me and living as the idea of me not driving, i have created an entity/demon manifestation that currently has directive control of self - where i experience myself in a kind of 'unawareness', where i am observing but not actually here the participation - it is as though all of the nervousness, anxiety, fear, and tension comes up all at once and i am suddenly 'numb' from the perspective of not actually being self-aware of what my physical body is doing, not taking into consideration what is going on around me and the car, and rather existing in a state of fear/anxiety/nervousness where i am not assessing the situation from a point of clarity/stability.

after the experience i went into a moment of self-defeat and self-judgment wherein i judged myself for not being an effective driver and believing that there is something wrong with me - that i am a failure and a disappointment - within this making the point of driving larger than what it is in actual practical reality. i see that i did not want to again face that point of panic nervousness, anxiety, and demonic possession again - i did not want to experience that fear of being behind the wheel and not actually fully being here, believing that this is just the way it is and that i will not be able to get past this. so for a moment i existed within self-defeat and self-judgment, but saw that i require to continue moving myself and pushing myself within this correction - and to realize that there is nothing 'bad' or 'wrong' in how i handled myself in that particular situation of driving - that what is necessary is for me to adjust and integrate the necessary changes, and that i must do this physically, and to NEVER take it personally or judge myself - simply see the point where i was not effective, flag the point and make corrections, move on - and repeat this until it sticks.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not going to be able to drive effectively due to how much i have compounded fears, resistances, and anxiety around the point of driving

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i should be able to drive without any problems even though i have not had much experience with driving, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create tension, stress, and pressure within the accepted belief that there is something 'wrong' with me if i am not already driving effectively.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within experiencing panic, fear, nervousness, and anxiety within myself as i was driving, and making mistakes as well as going into a point of not being aware of which direction i required to go.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as 'stupid' for apparently not knowing how to get to the laundromat while driving when i have ridden my bicycle there several times and 'should know already' where the laundromat is

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being humble with the current stage i am at with driving and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and and allowed myself to judge myself as 'unworthy' and 'incompetent' because of not already having effective driving skills, and thus fearing/resisting others seeing me in this point of 'struggling' with driving.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within the thought/idea/belief of 'i am not a good driver and should not drive' as a justification/excuse to not apply myself and move myself effectively within the matrix

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility and trusting myself and accepting self within self-worth and self-value, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to intentionally avoid and resist driving and getting a car in order to not actually have to face the point of taking responsibility for myself

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am not going to be 'good enough', 'smart' enough, 'effective' enough, and fear that i am not able to trust myself or 'handle' things on my own if i take on the point of expanding myself within school, work, and generally becoming more established within the matrix, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to design myself as a being who does not drive and cannot drive effectively and thus should not be expected to take on these other practical points.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse and justification of me not driving, not being a good enough driver to be road worthy, not having enough money or knowledge to properly maintain and care for a car - in order to not have to face other points within myself that have also been compounding.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear rejection and fear making mistakes, and to have such a low sense of self-worth/self-value that i would sabotage and compromise myself and remain limited and fearful and to use the point of not driving as a justification to not have to face those points.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to associate driving with extra responsibility- and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the thought/belief of 'if i get a car and learn to drive effectively, then i would not have any more excuses for not taking on more points and i would then just be 'lazy'.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear/resist getting a car and applying myself to learn to drive it effectively because of not wanting to 'appear' or 'seem' lazy to others.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself and others within the point of me not driving as a 'valid' excuse for me to not participate in being accountable and responsible for more and remaining within my fear and limitation and resistance to being seen as 'weak' to others, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create a point of projected strength within not having a car and 'doing things the hard way'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to portray myself as a 'victim' within this point of not driving and not having a car so that others who do have cars can be manipulated to support me, so that i do not actually have to admit that i am afraid of taking responsibility and afraid of making mistakes.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate self from unconditional self-acceptance and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to depend upon the acceptance and validation from others.

I stop.

I will not accept or allow myself to believe that i am not able/capable of driving, within using this point of not driving to not face other points.

When i see/notice myself going into the point of not wanting to drive/fearing to learn how to drive/resisting learning to drive effectively/fearing to drive a car, i will STOP, and realize that it is not actually about driving the car - it is about me not wanting to take responsibility and wanting to continue to depend on others because i have not established self-trust.

Till here, no further - I will not accept or allow self to define self as a person who 'doesn't drive' in order to not have to move myself within this reality to expand self and take responsibility.

Clearing the Fear - Investigating and Correcting Points of Fearing to Change

After reading Andrea's blog post on moving through resistances while blogging/vlogging, i saw how i have not been as effective as i can be within my blogging and self writing.

i see that as i have taken on this point of blogging daily (nightly), i have seen a pattern emerge wherein i meet up with a lot of resistance within writing - often physically falling asleep and typing gibberish on the keyboard and having to 'force' myself to remain HERE - and only writing out a few coherent paragraphs without actually directing or supporting myself through the point. Doing my writing during the morning is definitely more practical and support for me, and i will continue to push myself to write earlier instead of waiting until later in the evening - however i must still support myself through the resistances and blockages so that i am actually moving myself within self-change.

what i see here is that i have been facing some suppressed points lately - and compounded self definitions are now 'coming up' to the 'surface' - and there is definitely resistance blogging/vlogging - because in self-honesty i fear changing - i fear actually having to lose my comfort zone. i fear having to actually let it all go and walk into the 'unknown', letting go of what i have defined myself as within my ego/personality design which i have depended on for 'survival' within this matrix world - thus there is a resistance in the form of wanting to 'hold on' to my self-definitions within having accepted such definitions as self.

it was suggested to write down the points that i have been working with for the last few months and note the points where i have not changed or actually lived self-correction - and investigate what it is that i am holding on to - taking into consideration where i am currently and what it is that i am still holding on to - what are the points of self-definition, memories, experiences i am not at this moment willing to let go of completely? where in my world now am i relying on my 'old' self in order to get by?

Here I compile a list of points that i have been working on and have not made progress with. I will be taking these points one at a time to write out the specific resistances/fears as well as what i am holding on to as a survival mechanism before moving on to the next point.

The first point i will take on within this application is the point of procrastination -

Procrastination - I continuously allow myself to be distracted within my mind, and allow myself to put things off instead of dealing with things directly. I am still allowing self to wait until it is late into the evening before getting things done, or postponing certain chores or errands due to participating in thoughts wherein i am projecting myself doing the task and creating resistances, fears, anxiety over what requires doing - which is a tactic that my personality design uses to not actually deal with or take on a point in my actual reality and then blame it on not having enough 'time' or not being prepared.

The trigger/entry for this is when i begin to think about the things i require to get done - and within this start to conceptualize and internalize the doing, and allowing self to get lost in the internalization of the point instead of addressing the point in the physical. This is a coping mechanism wherein i allow myself to justify and remain within my self-limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not able to get things done in a practical manner.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am 'a failure' and within this, i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to disregard who and what i am here.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fall for the mind's tactic of using memories and events/experiences out of context and creating new thoughts and pictures which i then react to and allow self to be influenced by.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to rush through the points that require doing because of procrastination.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as procrastination in order to cope with fear, anxiety, and nervousness which stem from thoughts i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate as a means to not actually change and remain within the comfort zone built up by my ego/personality

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear actually taking responsibility for all aspects of my life.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to depend on 'rushing' through what i have to get done in order to not actually face my own fear of doing something wrong, messing up, or looking foolish - which is actually more likely to happen if/when i rush.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to put things off until the last moment so that i can distract myself within the 'deadline' and stress and tension in order to not face my own points.

I will continue with further investigation on this point and follow up with self correction.

_____________________________________________________________________

Other points that i have mapped out for myself are below, which i will work through one at a time.

Driving
School/Study
Self-Doubt/Self-Limitation
Defensiveness/Reaction to Points being called out
Suppressing points/internalizing
Nervousness/Anxiety
Establishing myself within the matrix - getting a job that supports me effectively

Equality Rant 20 - Human Nature and the Equal Money System

The accumulation effect

I have been noticing far less severe anxiety and nervousness since first opening up the point and supporting myself with writing - though i see that i have not done self-forgiveness on the points that have come up in relation to my design of anxiety/nervousness as well as stress.

What i am seeing is the accumulation effect - within taking on this point of nervousness and anxiety, and pushing myself to face myself in those instances and to no longer feed or participate in the energy surrounding that design of self, i am noticing faster 'recovery' from the anxiety and stress as well as beginning to establish myself more and more. though it is at the moment still a slight improvement, i see that within applying myself consistently i am able to change - i am able to stabilize and support myself to stop this pattern for good.

i notice that the onset, or 'trigger' for the anxiety happens when i am about to do something or go somewhere to a place i had never been, and i begin to internalize thoughts, fears, opinions, and projections - going into my mind and not breathing - not being HERE. within this i would try to 'push through' the fear and resistances, but will already have activated my 'defense systems' and gotten possessed by the point. at that stage i will have to face the charges that i had built by physically participating in my reality - and that's okay from the starting point of rebuilding my foundation and seeing that I AM STILL HERE - and thus there was no need to participate in the system design of worry, anxiety, stress because i am in fact STILL HERE and the experience itself, as always, was not what my mind made it out to be.

Important here is to realize that accumulation goes hand in hand with consistency - that i must constantly and continuously apply myself, push myself, support myself in order to actually change and stand. without consistency, i am accumulating self-defeat and self-limitation.

Under Pressure and "The Matrix"

Today at work I experienced myself as noticeably more stable than i have been before. Thoughts and pictures would still come up and I would still get lost within and as the mind throughout the day, but I would bring myself back and drop all thoughts and pictures when I noticed that I am not HERE, whereas before I would have suppressed the thoughts and pictures and allowed self to remain within the mind and simply create new thoughts and pictures to distract self with.

At one point during the day I noticed a song playing saw that it was quite specific for me to hear that particular song, in the context of what I have been working through and facing in the last few days. The song was "Under Pressure" by David Bowie and Freddy Mercury. The part that caught my attention the most was "This is our last dance, this is ourselves.... under pressure". The general 'tone' of the song from my perspective is about changing the way we are currently living, daring to 'give ourselves one more chance' to stop.

For myself, i saw that the last few days has 'shown' me who I am within the point of being 'under pressure' and going into panic and creating points to be 'larger than self' in order to not 'have to face them'. In the past few days I became aware of just how vital it is to be diligent within process and to stop any and all points of 'fickleness'. In allowing even a single thought of "this is too much" or "I can't handle this", the point will have to be faced and looped until self stands absolute no matter what and no excuses or justifications will be allowed.

I have seen how I have had the pattern of 'buckling' under pressure, giving in to fears and tantrums within and as the ego/mind in order to have things done 'my way' and not have to actually take personal responsibility. Each time this happens I am actually compounding the points that I am not allowing self to face and am simply looping ever 'bigger' time-loops for myself to walk through until I finally get it - just like how the current money system must continually loop itself into new debt schemes in order to keep everything running but postponing an economic disaster that grows with each cycle. This is the 'compound interest' that manifests within the money system and is the same compounding within self not taking responsibility and applying self-correction immediately, when the principle is still strong and has not been diluted and devalued.

Another point that came up for me today was the memory of a specific scene in the "Matrix" movie, where Trinity and Neo are in a car and Neo opens the door to reveal a heavy rain outside with a lonely looking path. Trinity reminds Neo that he knows where that path leads and that he doesn't want to take that path. Neo shuts the door and sits back, having made the decision to not take the familiar path and push through his resistances and fears. The image of the door opening to reveal the rain-beaten path and Neo closing the door is quite specific in terms of a process perspective.

I see that the rain symbolizes emotions/feelings - seemingly uncontrollable and 'pouring down' on the 'path'.

The 'path' symbolizes self-limitation and allowing self to remain 'in the matrix', controlled and totally enslaved by pre-programming, accepting things as 'just the way they are' and never changing.

"Trinity" represents self-honesty - helping and assisting Neo to see clearly and consider what is actually going on, but allowing for Neo to still make his own decisions and move himself even if he might choose the 'wrong' way and take the rainy path

Neo here represents myself - having the self-honesty and clarity to see exactly where that path will lead me, and that i do not want to take that path, and will myself to face my fears and resistances.

So the symbolic meaning here that I see within that specific scene is me deciding to not take the 'path' of the emotion/feeling path of self-limitation and existing within and as pre-programmed enslavement to systems, and facing my resistances and pushing through my fears within having seen that giving in to the emotional self-manipulation will only create another loop for myself to compound and walk through, and that i no longer accept taking that path.

I take the red pill.

Time loops for two? NO THANK YOU

A point opened up earlier today while I was having a chat with Lindsay. The point was related to money, and also the point of me not having 'enjoyed myself' within having money to do things like go to concerts, take trips, go to events, or having the ability to simply 'move' self within self-enjoyment and activities.

I have had an ingrained fear of money- specifically fear of 'not having enough money', which has been a prominent experience within my life, having defined myself as a person who 'never has enough money' and existing within and as that self-definition since my teenage years where the point became more prominent.

I have existed within the self-definition of 'I don't have enough money' also as a way to justify not pushing myself, not expanding myself, not being like 'others' who i saw in my world as being 'able to do things that they want' because they have money. having judged and accepted the idea within myself that i am not 'able' to do and have such things i used the point of money as a justification as to why i was not pushing myself to be able to have and do those things. instead of facing self and expanding self i had gone into the point of blaming money and fearing money.

over the years this has accumulated into a self-definition of 'i am a hard worker' and 'i earn my own money and do not rely on others' and also judging others who have money and use it for things that i had judged to be 'wasteful' and 'self-interest/consumerist' which was actually me resenting others for being able to have money to use to enjoy themselves and do the things i wanted to do, but did not allow myself to because of remaining within the self-definitions of 'i don't have enough money and i work hard for the money i have'.

self-honestly, this has been my way of 'coping' with self-limitation and allowing self to live within constant fear and uncertainty over money- which became a kind of 'comfort' because when i do not have enough money, i can get away with not having more responsibilities and not having to face myself within situations that are outside of my safe, routine, self-created bubble.

i see how i have limited myself within not taking on my education, not taking on more responsibilities at work, not allowing myself to get a car, not 'establishing' myself within the matrix, which all conveniently are justified within me 'not having enough money'.

thus this has been a 'core' method of defense for myself as ego/mind/pre-programmed enslavement, wherein i have made 'money' and 'work' a 'touchy' subject for me and have set up walls against it.

this point was opened up when Lindsay asked if I would like to attend some lectures that will be held in Portland. when she sent me the link i saw that the lectures covered very cool topics about sustainability, economics, food, energy, politics, etc and that i definitely wanted to attend, but immediately the point/thought came up of 'how much is this going to cost' and 'i don't think i can afford this'. i exposed to lindsay that i had this resistance come up and we talked about the points and i applied self-correction on fears based on money and also the point of not allowing self to enjoy self within attending events, going out and doing activities, spending money on things within self-expression, but i did not open up all of the points and was still having reactions and fears within self that i did not want to face and expose. Lindsay saw that i was 'sitting on a point' and pushed further and i exposed more, but still i did not open up all the way. i went into instant suppression and buried the points within myself, not wanting to expose my fears related to money, work, and my self-definition and comfort zone within being a 'worker'. i did not want to let go of my 'coping mechanism' of being a 'hard worker'. so when we spoke on the points and Lindsay asked if i was clear or whether i had any points still, i said that i was clear and that i was grateful for having the opportunity to walk through this with her.

so again this point of 'internalization' and wanting to take on points on my own and not exposing myself came to the surface and i did not direct myself within the moment and allowed myself to fall into a time-loop situation where i allowed a point to become suppressed.

on the way to work i noticed that i was not stable within self. i knew that i had fallen on something but was not clear with self and did not want to see that i had participated in deliberate deception in order to not face a point. at work i was very distracted- having many points of projection as well as pictures coming up within me which i was not stabilizing myself through by stopping and remaining here. thus it became clear that i had fucked myself and undermined my standing on the point of stopping my habit of internalizing and wanting to hold on to 'my own process' and not sharing my points, which undermines my trustability within the agreement. i saw that this is not a point i will accept or allow and that i must take responsibility and expose this point.

on the walk home from work, i spoke out loud for/as myself and got myself clear on the point and spoke self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements, and made it clear that i am no longer going to allow this to continue. having any points of not speaking self-honestly in every moment is not acceptable, and i have an opportunity with Lindsay to fully establish my self-honesty with another, thus completely unacceptable in any way whatsoever to speak within a point of defending my ego and not wanting to expose and let go of a point of limitation.

i established for myself the self-corrective action of immediately opening up all points, and when/if Lindsay asks if I am clear, to remain self-honest and say if there is a point or not. if the point has become suppressed and i do not have it within my consciousness but there is still energetic movement, i will express that. if there is a point but it has become suppressed and had become internalized, i express that. i 'out' myself always on all points so that i can let go of these limitations within myself and within all of existence. i remain self-honest always and will work with what is here in full exposure with Lindsay. i support myself by 'outing' the fact that i have a point that is not clear and needs to be worked on, and support myself and allow Lindsay to support me one and equal.

if there is a point, i say there is a point, and work it out from there instead of trying to 'hide' even though i know that there is no possibility of hiding anything within this agreement.

thus i stop this pattern here and now completely and support myself now and always to remain self-honest at all times. i walk this and i stand.

when i got home i called lindsay and woke her up lol. i told her that i had some points that i needed to discuss and we got on skype to chat. i exposed my point of having suppressed a point earlier today, and shared with her what was going on, correcting myself and exposing the entire point as well as establishing the application of if i have a point within self but it has become suppressed, it is 'okay' and i can simply share that i have a point that became suppressed, and Linday and I can then walk through the point from there or I can do self-writing or whatever it takes to clear the point- but to no longer accept in any way dishonesty of any kind and completely opening myself up within sharing. it is not acceptable to create time-loops when they are able to be prevented. i am committed to walk this agreement with Lindsay for the rest of my life - thus any and all time loops i must face, Lindsay must face with me. thus not acceptable to time-loop for two or even for one, for that matter.

to go back to the point of money-

i see that this has been an ingrained point and has been layered within myself over time, but this is NOT an excuse whatsoever to allow self to be directed within and as this limitation and i do NOT accept myself to allow for this point to continue. i take on and walk through all manifested consequence that must be faced in real-time for this point and i no longer re-create it within the mind. i will walk and adjust and correct this point now and always until it stops completely within self and within existence.

i stop existing within and as fear of money and fear of having to face myself within being in an environment where i have not 'planned for', am not 'prepared for', and do not have an established routine that i can follow. i stop existing within and as dependency on a 'routine', which is programming, which is NOT self-expression. i see and live the realization that i am entering a new situation and that i will be okay and not have to worry about survival and money and can experience myself in an 'unknown' frontier.

i let go of any and all fears of 'not knowing' because there is no such thing as actually 'knowing' what will happen. thus i stop existing within that delusion and allow self to experience self within vulnerability as well as self-trust in each moment, raw and 'unprepared'.

i relax NOW instead of waiting to 'relax' when i am physically in Portland with Lindsay.

i live NOW the embodiment of an equal money system instead of waiting for the day it 'happens'.




________ A VIDEO RESPONSE FROM LINDSAY ____________

Self Acceptance, Sex, Self Intimacy, and the "big bad beast"

I fear to see within me. I fear to have to face that which I do not know or understand, and do not trust myself enough to be able to deal with effectively. I want to know for certain that I can face it and continue to stand before I allow myself to become intimate with myself and to fully face who and what I am within my secret mind.

I am seeing now that the thoughts, distractions, and 'tricks' my mind is playing is only happening because I am allowing it to and in fact I am the one who is directing it to continue distracting me- because the fear of facing myself is greater than my will to face myself- thus more often than not I suppress myself and distract myself and isolate myself into a cocoon so as to not have to face my world. I see this play out in the way I distance myself from others in my actual life- interacting with people only when it is necessary to keep up appearances and continue to be able to fit in and function within the matrix and keep things stable in terms of having my job and 'work relationships'. I find myself participating in personality and compromise in order to 'fit in' and continue to be able to support myself within my current placement in the matrix. At home, I isolate myself my remaining in my bedroom, going into the common areas of the house only to get food or use the bathroom, completely minimizing my interaction with the other roommates- because I have judged them and see them as a threat- because I have not fully dealt with all that I am and I am still trying to hold back this beast within myself that I fear to face, and thus I see others as being a threat to me because I may be placed in a situation wherein I compromise myself with one of them and within that allow the 'beast' within me... the secret and suppressed dimensions of self... to step forth and I do not want to lose 'control'.

So as I am walking this process and I find myself at a point of self investigation on a particular point or pattern, I will notice my mind wandering and putting up all kinds of distractions- it is a defense mechanism to protect me from the 'big, bad, scary beast' within me that I have been trying to keep 'under control', which I keep buried deep within myself in prisons of my own design, all the while pretending to be free and in control by creating personalities and false faces to show to others so that they do not see that which I fear the most- which is myself.

“I judged me before I allowed myself to be intimate with me.” is what Sunnette had written in an article about self intimacy, which I was just reading.

So here I am looking at the point of seeking and desiring to have relationships with others, and I see how I have sought out relationships that validate, support, and reinforce my false personalities and allow me to experience a point of acceptance not as who and what I am in totality of myself, but acceptance as the person I am pretending to be while hiding the totality of myself from myself. In this way, relationships have been an extra layer of protection against the 'big, bad, scary beast' that I have judged my suppressed dimensions of self to be before I have even allowed myself to be intimate with myself in self honesty and self acceptance. Already, I had made the decision to disown those secret parts of myself that I may be ashamed of or fear others judging me for- why? Because I have judged others for such things and I have judged myself.

I do not 'like' myself. In fact I am often repulsed by who and what I have allowed myself to become. There is spitefulness, fear, jealousy, envy, judgment, deception, manipulation, deceit, and secrecy within myself, within my secret compartments that I try so hard to keep away from others so that I am not 'found out', so that I can continue to pretend to be trustworthy and acceptable. In this judgment and condemnation of myself I have forever judged myself into eternity and have accepted a life in which I am constantly in fear of self, in doubt of self, not able to actually trust myself or accept myself, but have to rely on the acceptance and trust of others whom I must convince I am something that I do not actually know myself to be in fact. Such is what relationships are in this world. Such are and have been the relationships I have accepted and allowed myself to establish and depend on. What a mess we make our world when we do not sort out the mess within our own selves.

In the act of me accepting the act of pretending and projecting myself as something that I am not in fact, and in the same action also attempting to hide myself and remain in fear of myself, I am only going to further validate this point within myself and within all of existence, as I seek others who will have come to the same conclusion and acceptance- I will seek out others who have judged themselves, fear themselves, and want to be validated and accepted not for who they are but for who they want to present themselves as, who are willing to lie, manipulate, and deceive me in order to establish another layer of protection for themselves instead of facing themselves.

This is what friends and 'lovers' do. They provide for each other the space in which each are able to deny themselves true intimacy and self honesty in exchange for validating and supporting each other in their fear. Together they form their own agreement and their own support system which does not actually support them in being alive, being free, being expressive, or being self honest with themselves and each other, but rather the opposite in which they create their own separate world in which they have agreed to not hold themselves or each other actually accountable for the totality of themselves and simply continue to support and accept each other in fear, distrust, and dishonesty. Is it any wonder why relationships are so very fickle? Why people seem to 'change'? It is because we are not who we really are. We are only walking around as the projections that we want to be seen as in spite of not actually being here in the totality of ourselves, carrying within us secrets and deceptions that we are willing to create further secrets and deceptions in order to cover up, all for the fear of judgment from others, all because we want to be accepted because we do not accept ourselves, all because we want to be free but will not give ourselves the freedom from self persecution.

Thus, I commit myself to no longer accepting or allowing this fear to exist within me or anyone in this existence. There is no judgment that is real other than the judgment I allow myself to live as. Thus there is no need for fear or resistance or shame or guilt in walking and exposing that which is within me as the secrets and unresolved points that each and every person must face and walk with what time we have here, so that we can actually stand up and correct that must be corrected, so that we can actually stop this mess once and for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a victim to the world and to the systems and to the mind consciousness, and to my preprogrammed design and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is 'too late' for me to actually change myself and correct myself and that I am powerless before such systems within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to remain being in the position of being a victim who is 'less than' the secret dishonesties within myself and to hold on to the belief and self definition of being a 'victim' who must be saved by another because I am unable to save myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the points within myself that require to be sorted out and corrected are too vast and that I will not make it in this process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in the spiteful thought of 'this is too much, I may as well just indulge myself as my programmed design because I simply won't be able to transcend all these points' without actually considering and investigating and applying myself to see if this is in fact the truth, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to slip and fall on points that I consider to be 'small' points wherein I indulge myself to gain energetic experiences or further validate my conditioning within the justification of 'I probably will not succeed in this process'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear is real and that I should obey my fears because my fears are how I am able to protect myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously seek to protect myself instead of investigating what it is that I am wanting to hold on to and have defined myself as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as a projection overlaid upon my secret dishonesty points which I attempt to convince others to accept, thus creating another layer of deception for myself to protect myself from facing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self acceptance and self worth so completely that I am able to be easily manipulated by anyone who appears to validate, accept, or 'like' me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be wanted, liked, validated, appreciated by others because I have not wanted, liked, validated, or appreciated myself within self intimacy and self honesty within walking myself through my own points and wanting for others to accept me at 'face value' or wanting others to walk though my points for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for others to walk with me in my process as my partners whom I am able to trust absolutely and enjoy as an equal within this process instead of standing AS that partner as myself- fully trusting myself and enjoying myself as an equal within my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have sexual relationships in which I am able to fully trust another partner in expressing myself unconditionally and having the other partner accept me and express themselves with me unconditionally from the starting point of wanting to have a platform in which I am able to freely enjoy my sexuality from a separate perspective outside of self intimacy in which I am able to, with this ideal and perfect partner, better understand and appreciate and enjoy my own self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have sex and to validate myself as my projected self as my self definition within my mind and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use sex as a way to not face myself and to simply accept and validate myself as my secrets through using another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider forming relationships, agreements, or 'casual sex partners' as a way for me to indulge in sexual enjoyment without actually considering myself within self honesty as well as considering what is best for those who may be my partners within this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire physical intimacy, touch, and 'romance' from the starting point of creating an experience for myself in which I am fulfilled through these things, instead of standing within and as self fulfillment through self intimacy, self acceptance, self worth, self value, and self trust.