Letting Go of Relationships and Forgiving the Past

Under Pressure and "The Matrix"

Today at work I experienced myself as noticeably more stable than i have been before. Thoughts and pictures would still come up and I would still get lost within and as the mind throughout the day, but I would bring myself back and drop all thoughts and pictures when I noticed that I am not HERE, whereas before I would have suppressed the thoughts and pictures and allowed self to remain within the mind and simply create new thoughts and pictures to distract self with.

At one point during the day I noticed a song playing saw that it was quite specific for me to hear that particular song, in the context of what I have been working through and facing in the last few days. The song was "Under Pressure" by David Bowie and Freddy Mercury. The part that caught my attention the most was "This is our last dance, this is ourselves.... under pressure". The general 'tone' of the song from my perspective is about changing the way we are currently living, daring to 'give ourselves one more chance' to stop.

For myself, i saw that the last few days has 'shown' me who I am within the point of being 'under pressure' and going into panic and creating points to be 'larger than self' in order to not 'have to face them'. In the past few days I became aware of just how vital it is to be diligent within process and to stop any and all points of 'fickleness'. In allowing even a single thought of "this is too much" or "I can't handle this", the point will have to be faced and looped until self stands absolute no matter what and no excuses or justifications will be allowed.

I have seen how I have had the pattern of 'buckling' under pressure, giving in to fears and tantrums within and as the ego/mind in order to have things done 'my way' and not have to actually take personal responsibility. Each time this happens I am actually compounding the points that I am not allowing self to face and am simply looping ever 'bigger' time-loops for myself to walk through until I finally get it - just like how the current money system must continually loop itself into new debt schemes in order to keep everything running but postponing an economic disaster that grows with each cycle. This is the 'compound interest' that manifests within the money system and is the same compounding within self not taking responsibility and applying self-correction immediately, when the principle is still strong and has not been diluted and devalued.

Another point that came up for me today was the memory of a specific scene in the "Matrix" movie, where Trinity and Neo are in a car and Neo opens the door to reveal a heavy rain outside with a lonely looking path. Trinity reminds Neo that he knows where that path leads and that he doesn't want to take that path. Neo shuts the door and sits back, having made the decision to not take the familiar path and push through his resistances and fears. The image of the door opening to reveal the rain-beaten path and Neo closing the door is quite specific in terms of a process perspective.

I see that the rain symbolizes emotions/feelings - seemingly uncontrollable and 'pouring down' on the 'path'.

The 'path' symbolizes self-limitation and allowing self to remain 'in the matrix', controlled and totally enslaved by pre-programming, accepting things as 'just the way they are' and never changing.

"Trinity" represents self-honesty - helping and assisting Neo to see clearly and consider what is actually going on, but allowing for Neo to still make his own decisions and move himself even if he might choose the 'wrong' way and take the rainy path

Neo here represents myself - having the self-honesty and clarity to see exactly where that path will lead me, and that i do not want to take that path, and will myself to face my fears and resistances.

So the symbolic meaning here that I see within that specific scene is me deciding to not take the 'path' of the emotion/feeling path of self-limitation and existing within and as pre-programmed enslavement to systems, and facing my resistances and pushing through my fears within having seen that giving in to the emotional self-manipulation will only create another loop for myself to compound and walk through, and that i no longer accept taking that path.

I take the red pill.

Self forgiveness for desteni video "Self Moving and Mind Initiated Movement"

Here i forgive points that came up in watching the desteni group video Self Moving and mind initiated movement




I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist hearing and integrating for myself sunette's words in this video.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for 'falling' and to not see the realization that if I am able to experience falling, then it is an indication that I am not actually standing here as self within complete self acceptance in each moment and that I have gone into a projection and idea/self image that I have superimposed upon everything and everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an image and idea of myself of being at a certain stage of my process and that I am at that stage unshakable and solid instead of being vulnerable and totally exposed always as I walk within self acceptance at all times in each breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will perceive me as 'fallen' or 'not trustworthy' if I expose myself in a way that is contradictory to the image and projection that I am attempting to portray myself and live myself as within separation and self dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being seen and accepted as something that I am not in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be 'already' at a stable and firm foundational point within my process wherein I am comfortable and confident in myself to take on and handle all things without difficulty instead of dedicating myself to walk and work with whatever is here and to do so step by step, point by point, in self honesty, gentleness, diligence, and discipline.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for 'falling' instead of realizing that my 'fall' was simply an indication for self that I had gone into a mental projection/idea of myself that I was attempting to live as within separation and self dishonesty, and that 'falling' in that context is a point of support for myself within seeing where I am separating myself and where I am seeking validation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form ideas and perceptions about myself based on the qualities that I see within other desteni members and to desire to have those qualities for myself within imitating or attempting to integrate what I see within separation, thus forming an ideal that I attempt to live and become instead of remaining here in each moment in self acceptance and walking my process breath by breath in vulnerability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist sharing myself openly and candidly and to expose myself as having issues and points where I am still in the process of correcting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the believe and projection that desteni members who are 'further in process' are able to deal with points without difficulty and that they do not experience the struggles that I have within my process and thus by this mental logic- if I am having difficulty then I am 'not in process'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the energetic movement of guilt within wanting to 'fix what I did wrong' and 'correct where I have fucked up' within my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I now must force myself and to place myself into situations that are not necessary for me to force or 'correct' out of guilt and energy and thoughts of having 'made a mistake' within experiencing me as falling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within wanting to fix my 'mistakes' with kelly within wanting to 'prove' that I am able to be trustworthy- wherein I am abdicating self responsibility and self honesty within my process and depending on feedback from another in order to validate where I am within my application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require to be able to push through everything in one moment based on comparing myself to the ideal picture of myself that I would like to be and live as instead of living here within each moment and applying myself within what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within going into guilt and regret and then participating in wanting to 'prove' myself and wanting to 'fix' everything and take everything on and to go searching and hunting for points wherein I am able to 'redeem' myself by breaking through or transcending from a starting point of seeking self redemption instead of living within common sense practicality here in each moment, dealing only with what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a shortcut within this process and to desire to experience myself free of my limitations instead of accepting myself here in each moment and taking on the points that are actually here instead of attempting to force myself through.