The Road to Giving Up Is Paved With WHINING

Whining is where one builds up a case - builds up a sales pitch - and eventually convinces self and gets self to 'buy into' the 'product' for the mind to consume - whining is where one creates and layers excuses and justifications to not do something or face something or take responsibility for something directly -thus whining is the actual first step toward sabotage - toward giving up - toward giving in to that point of consumerism and buying the product that has been marketed, advertised, and sold for profit - but in this case the 'product' that you convince yourself to 'buy' is the product of laziness - the product of getting a temporary relief or a temporary moment of stimulation in the mind where you apparently 'win' and get to have a nice experience within yourself, the product of self-diminishment - and in this transaction who gets the profit? It certainly is not YOU - but rather the 'profit' - the energy that you willingly gave up as part of yourself - went to the mind to create and sustain that experience of "Yay, I got what I wanted" and once the energy is consumed and the experience ends - you are faced with a peculiar problem - you are still having to face and deal with the point that originally presented itself - the point that you initially reacted to and went into resistance toward and then talked yourself out of by selling yourself an experience. So now that the 'product' has been consumed you realize that nothing has actually changed - and now you may find that you have less conviction - less motivation - less SUBSTANCE because you had previously allowed yourself to give in to the resistances and buy the 'easy way out' and try to escape from responsibility only to find that instead you diminished your own self-trust and self-integrity.

An example of this 'whining' tactic that I have observed within myself goes as follows -

Say there is a point that I see I require to direct and take responsibility for. This points requires that I set aside my personal preferences and addictions and that I commit within my responsibility to do something that I, out of self-interest, prefer not to do and have defined as something that is "not fun" and something that is "not worth the time" because I could be doing other, more "fun" things.

Begrudgingly, I then 'deal with it' by going through the motions of what I require to do, doing just the bare minimum - just enough so that I can still tell myself that I am 'really doing it' - yet in my backchat I am still whining - still building up the sales pitch - still telling myself:

"I will get to have fun once this is over with"

"Just get through this... just do the bare requirements... and then go right back to having fun."

"Man, this is stupid... this isn't going to work, but I'm going to TRY.... I will try a little."

At this point I am moving myself mechanically within the point - but here I have NOT made my commitment clear. I have NOT worked through the actual resistances and the actual backchat involved. Here I am already setting myself up for 'failure' because I am not in fact walking what is required to be walked as an actual expression and statement of me - rather I am doing it to 'get something' - which is to be able to, eventually, once I have sabotaged the point sufficiently and can say that this point is just 'not working', I will get to QUIT and GIVE UP because my commitment was never in fact clear in the first place, and thus any excuse - any justification - any 'sales pitch' that I can sell to myself, I will then buy into as my way out.

Back to the example - having gotten my toes wet within a new commitment or taking on a point of responsibility that I am doing begrudgingly and NOT as an actual commitment to self - the backchat will begin to get more and more devious and self-manipulative:

"Okay cool... it looks like I'm doing what I require to do... I am meeting the bare requirements... at least now THEY can't say that I didn't try."

"Man, I can't wait to STOP doing this... this is so much work... this is NOT what I want to be doing."

"Man I am being such a champ... I am being such a good, hard working, dedicated person.... look how long I have lasted so far... look how 'committed' I have been... so this had better be WORTH IT or else!"

"This is NOT working! I am doing what I need to do... I am making myself go through with it and put up with it and deal with it but it is NOT working! What's the point of this if it isn't going to work and I am GIVING UP my time, my focus, my energy, when I could be enjoying myself?"

"It is NOT my fault! Every time it is always just not working out no matter what I DO."

"I KNEW IT! God I was so stupid. I should have quit a long time ago. Obviously it wasn't going to work anyway. I don't even WANT to do that anymore. I gave it my best shot... I gave it my time, and I 'sacrificed' so much. The 'smart' thing to do now is 'cut my losses' and end this and stop WASTING MY TIME."

And voila! The sales pitch sinks in and the reason/justification is accepted and now I am able to QUIT and GIVE UP on the point - not seeing and realizing that from the very beginning - from the very starting-point - the commitment was NOT clear and thus I deliberately allowed backchat and self-manipulation through whining and complaining and thus creating the very context for my own 'giving up' - making a big show along the way of how hard it is, how difficult it is, how much work it is, how much I am 'giving up'... so that once the point has been sufficiently sabotaged, I can point at the big show that I made and say:

"But look! I did try. I did everything I was supposed to do. Now this means it didn't work. I mean, the best thing to do now is to stop - because continuing is just not going to work."

This is how the whining tactic comes full circle and becomes a self-fulfilling 'prophecy', the profit-see, as we profit-seek instead of realize actual value - where we buy into the quick fix and get to have an immediate experience instead of dedicate ourselves to building, shaping, slowly but surely, something that will last far longer than the brief burst of energy - where we sell ourselves out and pave the way for our own giving up and ensuring that we remain diminished instead of pushing ourselves past our own self-created fears and addictions to be able to see who we REALLY are when we are not directed by fears, backchat, resistances, but actually moving ourselves.

So, whenever one makes a commitment and is aligning oneself within a new responsibility or is in the process of establishing a new job, relationship, or change in one's life or living patterns, the STARTING POINT must be clear and the commitment and decision to walk that change must be absolute - otherwise the whiner tactic will start picking away at the weaknesses of one's character and will use one's own self-dishonesty and self-interest against self.

When one sees and notices this point of the "Whiner", which can in a way be seen as a 'salesman' in one's own mind that is trying to earn his next bonus - one is able to immediately stop and realize that one is paving the way forward to failure - to giving up - and to giving the 'salesman' his sales bonus at our own expense.

Here, self-forgiveness on the 'whiner' tactic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to and believe that the 'whiner' voices within me that complain and whine and make a big deal out of doing things that I have committed and made a decision to do are who I am, and that the reasoning and logic of those whiner voices must be the reasoning and logic of me - when in fact such voices are simply representations and manifestations of self-interest where I have not cleared up my starting-point within a commitment or decision and will thus 'talk to me' and 'speak to me' in thoughts and pictures of whining and complaining so that eventually I will manifest and make real my own point of self-doubt, self-compromise, and secret desire to 'give up' instead of following through on my commitments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear actually doing what I decide and commit to do within what I see is best for all and will be a choice/commitment that will honor and support me in being and becoming a trustworthy, effective, and self-motivated person that can stand as a point of change within this world, and thus giving myself backdoors to sabotage myself so that I do not in fact reach my highest potential simply because I have not cleared up my starting-point - have not actually understood the implications of my commitment and my decision, and the consequences of what I will end up creating as my life if I continue allowing myself to fall.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT stop the whiner within me and thus allow myself to listen to the sales pitches of the 'salesman' that is my self-interest and ego not wanting to lose it's biggest customer and willing to do and say anything to make his sale, and to believe that the whining and complaining must be who I am because it is coming from 'me', and seems to be using a voice and thoughts and pictures that have always seemed to be a 'part of me', so thus this 'salesman' must really know intimately who I am and what is best for me - and NOT see or consider until now that I have based an entire life on the deals from this salesman - so much so that I have taken the sales-pitches as backchat on as my own thoughts, my own feelings, my own desires, and thus not actually question the deal that I am making.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I am implementing a point that I have not mastered or working on something that requires discipline and consistency in order to practically build something that will in fact last and be of actual support and value to me, not trust myself and not stick to the clarity of my decision and commitment and thus allow myself to be talked into giving up on something simply because I am not able to see and touch the results without first walking the necessary time and commitment, and thus believe that the results will not be there since they are not here now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to whine and complain within myself instead of STOPPING and realizing that there is a salesman in my mind that is reflecting and showing me my doubts and my fears and my uncertainties - thus it is not to allow myself to give in to the temptation and allow myself to be enticed to give up and not face those points, but rather to walk through those points - utilizing the resistances and the backchat as an indication that my standing is not absolute and therefore requires my direction and attention.

I commit myself to, when and as there is a decision and commitment that I have made and as I am walking this commitment I am see/notice myself complaining that it is hard or it is not working or that I am wasting my time and looking stupid - to STOP and clear up my starting point within making that commitment and decision in the first place and stick to the point that is best for all especially when this decision brings up conflict within me and I am wanting to give up and thus deny myself the gift of self-movement and developing actual self-trust as I shed away the layers of self-definition and self-interest and step back into the LIFE that I am.

I commit myself to, when and as I see/notice myself dramatizing a point and complaining to myself or others that something is hard or not working or just too much while I begrudgingly still do the bare minimum, I STOP and realize that if a point is in fact not working and not practical then I simply stop and there is no debate necessary about it and I simply change and adjust my participation. But if I am experiencing conflict and resistances within a point and yet I am still dragging and pulling myself in it and whining about it, then I am deliberately manipulating myself by NOT giving myself clarity and am paving the way for eventually giving up instead of being directive within what I am doing.

I commit myself to, for such points where I am complaining and whining, slow down and reveal for myself what I am setting myself up for in making such claims, and how/why it is that I am working against myself to sabotage myself - and what it is that I fear to actually face and walk through or let go of, what it is that I fear to embrace and become and change, that I am now whining and complaining about and setting myself up to give up on, and seeing for myself whether it is in fact worth it to give up, knowing that I will eventually have to come back to face this exact point - this exact question again, and perhaps be in a situation that is not as stable or supportive as the one I am currently in - and if I give up now and I do end up in this point again, would I be self-honestly okay with myself and my decision to give up in this moment now?

Self Support to Push Through Writing and Procrastination Backchat

 Joe Kou
3/05/2012
stoppingjoekou.blogspot.com/2012/03/self-support-to-push-through-writing.html

Lately I have been facing a point of heavy resistance to writing as well as keeping up with scheduled tasks and projects that I have taken on for myself, and I noticed that the longer it took for me to finally push myself and simply do what needs to be done, the harder it became to actually do so – because by then I had already given my ego/mind/backchat PLENTY of 'wiggle room' to dig in and start creating layer after layer of excuses and justifications that would conveniently 'explain' away why I was not in fact doing what I had decided for myself to do (see more of this in my previous blog on 'excuses' for further perspective on how we create excuses and ask 'why' instead of 'how').

So knowing already that this mechanism of 'excuses, excuses' is at play here I was able to see that if I continued to procrastinate or participate in the pity party that was busy going on within me where I would sink into a kind of 'funk' and then want to bury myself underneath the layers of self judgment and excuses, I would eventually hit a point where it would simply become 'too much' and would likely lead to me becoming possessed and creating/playing out a situation in my life that would not be pleasant and that I would never be able to undo once I had gone 'that far' (check out the “Life Review” series Eqafe for perspective).

In my life there have been plenty of times where I would see I required to direct something or that I would have to be patient and diligent with a point that I was busy developing, but would fall into points of procrastination and self doubt and then would come the layers of shame and self judgment and layer after layer I would add on more reasons and justifications and excuses as to why I was 'not able' to do what I initially set out to do – and then comes the 'icing on the cake' which is the backchat of

“I knew better! I shouldn't be doing this because I already KNEW this would happen. Now look at the mess I made!”

Yes we seem to always KNOW but in the moment when that realization first comes, when we see “Okay, this is a point that I have looked at before and if I do not support myself now I KNOW I will regret it because I can see within common sense the end result of allowing this participation” THAT is the moment where we must immediately live and apply our self honesty and correct ourselves – because KNOWING is not enough and in fact will only bite us in the ass – because we will have to correct and forgive the deliberate self-abuse of not correcting ourselves and establishing our directive principle when we 'had the chance'.

So back again to the resistance to writing and effective time management – what I saw was a 'buildup' of points that began with me allowing the thought of 'this is too much' and then allowing myself to become overwhelmed and accepting that 'overwhelmed' experience to direct me instead of slowing down then and there and realizing that only the mind is able to be 'overwhelmed' – and that if I simply breathe and move myself from one point to the other there is nothing to be 'overwhelmed' by because I would realize that I cannot do MORE than what I can practically do in each moment, and if I am directing myself and breathing effectively in each moment there is no point in 'wanting to get MORE done'.

Now as this buildup of experiencing 'overwhelmed-ness' continued, so did the backchat – because not only had I allowed this thought to direct me, I allowed the back-door to be left wide open for self-abuse and self judgment where I would add on more and more layers of reaction such as “God, I am really fucking this up – I should have been DONE with this last week and now I will have to spend so much time catching up!” or “Fuck, I am such a loser – I can't get anything done and nothing ever works out right” - and as these points of self-abusive backchat continued I found myself only becoming more angry and upset with myself within this, only continued to FEED the backchat even more because now I was actually making the statement that I AM this backchat and that I am giving it my attention and energy and thus keeping it alive within me to such a point where it would actually LIVE through and as me and actually become who I am if I do not stop myself.

So looking at this further in terms of how to more effectively support myself to stop this pattern within me, I see that a key here would be to identify HOW I am sabotaging myself, discover what the 'game' is that is busy being played within my mind which is generating energy in the form of anger, reactions, self judgment, etc., and having identified the points to immediately move myself within the point of correction – meaning to immediately stand within myself, stop the reactions, stop the backchat, apply self forgiveness, and DO that which I initially set out to do and here a vital point that I am adding to my application is to STOP ALLFURTHER BACKCHAT!!! Because it is really pointless to identify the point, release the point, move on and start doing what requires to be done in the moment, but then go straight back into and as the mind as backchat to allow yet ANOTHER thought to compound and restart the whole cycle again.

Thus -

I see and realize that procrastination and participation in backchat and emotional reactions such as anger and irritation which often is projected AT my environment or people around me that I am in fact activating and participating in the game of “excuses, excuses” wherein I am allowing myself to be directed by the excuses and justifications that are created as a 'defense mechanism' to not actually face a point which I am resisting.

Within this I realize that having 'gone this far' means I did not stop myself at the 'trigger point' where the initial thought/reaction occurred within me and in that moment allowed the thought/reaction to 'sink in' and grow/compound as backchat which then possessed me. Thus to practically support myself when I see/notice myself having gone to the point of procrastinating on a point and then finding excuses or going into self judgment and frustration, or allowing myself to become 'overwhelmed' or 'too busy' with other points which are actually self-manipulation tactics to keep myself 'distracted', I will STOP immediately, release the built up energy by breathing, taking a shower, or finding a way to effectively support myself and bring myself back HERE and when I am satisfied that I am stable, I will adjust my practical living, make practical plans and schedules based on what I self-honestly see myself able to do with the time that I have in my days, and DO what requires doing and while making this correction STOP all backchat that may pop up again as part of the previous system design.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to be diligent and directive within my tasks and that if I make a mistake, miscalculate, or end up requiring more time than I had anticipated, then the point is to make corrections and communicate the point to those who may be depending on/waiting on my work/contribution/participation and ensure that I am moving effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and participate in emotional reactions and energy as backchat and internal 'experiences' which I give my attention to and accept as 'who I am' as an 'experience' of me instead of realizing that I am HERE and that I do not require to judge myself or experience anything within me that is not self directed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I make a mistake or when I miscalculate or when I end up not being able to immediately do a task quickly and effectively, than I should judge myself and go into energetic self-manipulation because I am 'guilty' and should 'feel bad' for what I had 'failed to do' and to take that experience of 'failure' personally as though it were real when all that I required to do was breathe and correct what requires to be corrected, and move on, and within this stop feeding the mind/backchat and stop giving away my time and energy to self-abuse and diminishment.

This is important because the time we have here in our physical reality is limited from the perspective of each of us having only so much 'time' in our physical bodies due to the way we have been participating within the mind and therelationship that has developed over the years between our physicalbody and the mind consciousness systems within us – thus it is vital that we utilize our time to the utmost effectiveness and not allow ourselves to be bogged down by backchat where there is so much we are able to do when we are here as BREATH.

So if we are having a difficult time with a particular point and finding ourselves procrastinating and diminishing or if we are just having one of those 'shitty days' where everything seems to go wrong and one just wants to 'give up' and collapse and let it all 'go to hell', rather push ourselves to STOP and not create any more hell within ourselves – because the hell within ourselves is becoming the hell we see in the world – as within, so without.

Ok – so applying this for myself and flagging the trigger point of thoughts in relation to 'this is not working' or 'this is too much', so that I stop myself in those moments instead of only stopping when the trigger has been 'pulled' and I am already at the stage of procrastination and reaction and playing the game 'excuses, excuses'.

For more perspective on effectively identifying these points and applying self-forgiveness and self-corrective application join us at http://desteni.org for discussion and feedback.

Excuses, Excuses - What I'm Realizing about Excuses and Self Sabotage

Excusing Excuses? What I am Realizing about Excuses as Self-Sabotage

Joe Kou

2/18/2012

When is an excuse valid?

The mere asking of that question already invalidates the person asking it because in the very structure of such a question, the person asking is already abdicating and giving in to the idea and belief that there is some acceptable and justifiable answer for an 'excuse'.

This question arose within me earlier today looking at the point of consistency in my application, and I noticed myself experiencing a 'low' within me, as though there has been a weight within myself that I have been carrying but had been trying to ignore and simply 'cope with' rather than actually open up the point for myself.

What I saw within this is that I have not been as effective as I know I am able to be, and the only 'reason' for this can only come from the mind in the form of an excuse – the only 'reason' why I have not been effective with managing my time and being diligent in my consistency with things that I am taking on in my world can only come from what I am still accepting and allowing within me as experiences and justifications that I am abdicating myself to.

When I have a look at this point of not being diligent and consistent with points that I see and realize require my direction and application, the self honest answer is that there is nothing REAL holding me back – there is nothing physically limiting me from being able to be as effective as I can be in each moment, which leaves the realization that what is in fact holding meback is ME, and to be more specific, it is what I am accepting and allowing within myself.

When I sat with myself for a moment to look at this point, the first 'instinct' was to immediately look for 'reasons' and 'justifications' as to WHY I am not effectively taking on the points in my world and WHY things are not working out, WHY I am apparently unable to direct my living and the relationships with beings in my world currently – and in all this I was completely leaving out the point of realizing that any question that begins with “WHY” is actually just seeking a justification or a 'reason' that will seemingly make the situation “okay” or “acceptable” - like

“Oh, so that's WHY this is happening. I understand now – boy am I glad I figured that out. I am so smart!”

And then leaving the point exactly where it is without any practical change or correction because apparently the ego is thus satisfied and has gotten itself 'off the hook' because as long as there is a reason – an excuse – a way for the ego to continue without having to change, without having to let go of an aspect of itself, it will at all costs latch on to whatever excuse we imagine for ourselves.

As I observed this 'search for reasons and excuses' that was happening within me, I realized that if I allowed myself to listen to any 'answer' that would come from this kind of 'questioning', I would only be denying myself the actual solution and the actual point of responsibility which will allow me to actually and practically correct myself.

Thus, every time I listen to my mind when it gives me a 'reason' for something, it is offering an excuse – it is offering a 'backdoor' through which I am able to manipulate myself and sabotage myself from actually taking responsibility for a point within myself. For example when I was looking at this point of not being diligent and consistent in the points that I am taking on in my world, the reasons came up immediately -

“I don't have enough time!”

“I'm too tired and drained from working so much!”

“My home environment is not supportive!”

“I'll just cope with things for now and I'll change later when things are more stable!”

All of the above statements say NOTHING IN FACT because they are only statements of belief, opinion, and conjecture – and have absolutely no practical basis within my actual physical reality, yet if I allow myself to accept any of those statements as 'real', I make the statement real through my own acceptance and allowance – and I become equal to those statements.

So here I am flagging this and taking responsibility for having accepted and allowed such statements to exist within and as me as excuses which I have used to excuse myself from actually changing and doing what I see is required to be done.

Firstly I will look at the word EXCUSE as it is currently defined -

EXCUSE (VERB)

1. to regard or judge with forgiveness or indulgence; pardon or forgive; overlook (a fault, error, etc.): Excuse his bad manners.

2. to offer an apology for; seek to remove the blame of: He excused his absence by saying that he was ill.

3. to serve as an apology or justification for; justify: Ignorance of the law excuses no one.

4. to release from an obligation or duty: to be excused from jury duty.

5. to seek or obtain exemption or release for (oneself): to excuse oneself from a meeting.

POLARITY CHARGES

Here I see that I have assigned a negative charge to the word excuse. Thus -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assign a negative charge to the word 'excuse' and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word “excuse” by allowing this polarity charge within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the word 'excuse' as being manipulative and deceptive because of how I have lived the word within my own application of manipulating and deceiving myself with excuses and justifications in order to not take responsibility for points within myself and my world and to project my own self judgment upon the very word 'excuse' because I am and have always been aware that the way I excuse myself with justifications and reasons is actually self dishonest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the word 'excuse' as being 'bad' instead of realizing that the word 'excuse' is simply a word and that I have been living the definition of that word as 'bad' – thus I am responsible for how I experience that word and how I present that word as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist using the word excuse because I have within my life created excuses as justifications and reasons in order to 'get out of trouble' and to avoid having to take responsibility for things that I am in fact responsible for.

I see and realize that the word 'excuse' is neither 'good' or 'bad' and is simply a word and that I require to purify myself within the way I am living and defining that word as myself.

Here I see that I have taken the word 'excuse' and lived it from a starting point of self-manipulation, wherein I use excuses to justify and explain away within my ego why I am not required to change, or to use the logic of the mind to 'reason' my way out of taking responsibility for myself within a point that I see requires to be directed, wherein I am releasing myself from responsibility by making something “okay” or “acceptable” when it is not – and the more I allow this game of “I excuse myself” the more I am allowing my backchat to direct me and the more I become the excuses and justifications I sell myself.

Another point to look at is what is it that I am actually excusing? And how is it that I allow myself to excuse that which is not acceptable? In this particular matter I am facing the point of realizing that I am not directing my time or my daily practical living effectively – so if I buy into any excuse in regard to this point, I am excusing myself for not directing myself effectively and I am actually giving myself a free pass to not only ignore the actual cause of me not being effective in my world, I am actually allowing myself to CONTINUE being ineffective – which is self abuse and self dishonesty.

Thus here I am no longer allowing myself to live this pattern of excuse within myself wherein I sabotage myself with an excuRse that traps me in my own self accepted limitation and instead to direct myself by asking HOW instead of WHY, and to support myself using the tools of writing, self forgiveness, and self-corrective application and establish me as point of self-change instead of allowing self to excuRse self and have to face the point compounded again as a time-loop.

Redefining and Clarification of the word “Excuse”

When I look at this word I see that 'excuses' are only able to be generated by the mind as a form of 'story telling' that attempts to paint a certain portrayal of an event or situation based on the reference point and perspective of the mind and not actually based on what is here in self honesty.

For example, a person who does not complete a task is able to see clearly for themselves how it is that they did not complete the task in question and to make necessary adjustments. Here, an excuse is not at all necessary as to WHY the person did not complete the task – because such a “WHY” question will only bring justifications and reasons whereas asking HOW will bring about the actual, practical, structural points that the person is able to have a look at, which has no 'negative' or 'positive' charge because it is simply looking at a point from a structural and practical perspective and is not personal.

Thus when I see/notice myself gathering up information within myself in preparation for an 'excuse' as an answer to WHY a person or situation in my life is going a certain way, I will stop and realize that what I am actually doing is giving myself a backdoor to not in fact look at the practical and structural corrections that I am able to make in order to stop/direct a point in myself or my world and realize that it is not personal and that if I am not effective within a certain point it is within my ability and responsibility to change and adjust.

I will therefore support myself my immediately stopping the WHY and rather ask myself HOW and write the point out and apply the necessary self forgiveness and self corrective application.

Thus “excuse” is not a word I will live and use within a starting point of abdicating self responsibility – rather I see and realize that 'excuse' is a device and mechanism of self misdirection and is an indication point for me that I am participating in a point of ego instead of looking at the point within self honesty and common sense because nothing that is here requires an 'excuse'.

So here, an example of taking responsibility for the words that one is living and accepting and realizing that WORDS are the foundation upon which we have built and designed who we are and what we live – thus it is important that we support ourselves by having effective tools and a structured method with which to open up the nitty gritty of ourselves and what we have become and actually re-create ourselves and take back all of the dimensions of self that we have separated ourselves from so that we can in fact be a REAL INDIVIDUAL within the contextof oneness and equality wherein we stand as an individualized and self-directed point within the expression of oneness and equality as who we are as life.

If you have not already, check out the desteni material and give yourself the gift of actually waking up for the first time and realizing that you are able to have a life of expression, value, and dignity by freeing yourself from the conditioning and the 'religion of the self' that we as humanity have abdicated ourselves to for so long. It is time to reclaim who you are and stand as an example for this world – so join us and walk with us and together let us sort out the mess we have been leaving here for centuries and build a world that will be heaven on earth. 

Getting behind the wheel and facing demonic possession

Within this point of 'procrastination' that i am currently walking through, i have been applying myself within getting things done and not allowing myself to participate in justifications and excuses in order to not do something when in actual practical reality it is something that i can get done.

today, the point of me driving a car opened up - driving is a point where i require to assist myself and get effective at and is a point that i have allowed to compound for many years, and is a point upon which many other layers are attached - thus it is not just me learning how to drive effectively in a car - but me letting go of and reprogramming self within no longer having the definition of 'i don't drive' which i have been using for several years as a justification/excuse to not actually face myself within other points such as getting a more effective job, going to school, being more 'social', taking care of errands and chores effectively - all were 'put off' within the procrastination point and driving was the main 'default' excuse for me not getting those points done.

so today when i saw there was a possibility of driving a car for a bit in order to get myself back behind the wheel and get over my resistances, fears, and anxieties around driving - i initially did not want to do it and reasoned that i am not at a point yet where i feel comfortable driving - yet within this i realized the total and utter nonsense logic behind not wanting to do something in order to build experience and effectiveness because i'm not already effective lol. and also within the point of pushing through procrastination, i eventually got myself around to taking up the task.

it was arranged that i would drive the car for a little bit to get to the local laundromat from the house - and as i drove i realized that i was not fully HERE, in awareness of what was going on. i was not in actual and full control of the vehicle because i was not in actual and full control of self in that moment as i experienced myself 'sinking' within thoughts of having an accident, and a general and sudden fear of not knowing what i'm doing.

what i see is that over years of creating the idea of me and living as the idea of me not driving, i have created an entity/demon manifestation that currently has directive control of self - where i experience myself in a kind of 'unawareness', where i am observing but not actually here the participation - it is as though all of the nervousness, anxiety, fear, and tension comes up all at once and i am suddenly 'numb' from the perspective of not actually being self-aware of what my physical body is doing, not taking into consideration what is going on around me and the car, and rather existing in a state of fear/anxiety/nervousness where i am not assessing the situation from a point of clarity/stability.

after the experience i went into a moment of self-defeat and self-judgment wherein i judged myself for not being an effective driver and believing that there is something wrong with me - that i am a failure and a disappointment - within this making the point of driving larger than what it is in actual practical reality. i see that i did not want to again face that point of panic nervousness, anxiety, and demonic possession again - i did not want to experience that fear of being behind the wheel and not actually fully being here, believing that this is just the way it is and that i will not be able to get past this. so for a moment i existed within self-defeat and self-judgment, but saw that i require to continue moving myself and pushing myself within this correction - and to realize that there is nothing 'bad' or 'wrong' in how i handled myself in that particular situation of driving - that what is necessary is for me to adjust and integrate the necessary changes, and that i must do this physically, and to NEVER take it personally or judge myself - simply see the point where i was not effective, flag the point and make corrections, move on - and repeat this until it sticks.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not going to be able to drive effectively due to how much i have compounded fears, resistances, and anxiety around the point of driving

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i should be able to drive without any problems even though i have not had much experience with driving, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create tension, stress, and pressure within the accepted belief that there is something 'wrong' with me if i am not already driving effectively.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within experiencing panic, fear, nervousness, and anxiety within myself as i was driving, and making mistakes as well as going into a point of not being aware of which direction i required to go.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as 'stupid' for apparently not knowing how to get to the laundromat while driving when i have ridden my bicycle there several times and 'should know already' where the laundromat is

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being humble with the current stage i am at with driving and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and and allowed myself to judge myself as 'unworthy' and 'incompetent' because of not already having effective driving skills, and thus fearing/resisting others seeing me in this point of 'struggling' with driving.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within the thought/idea/belief of 'i am not a good driver and should not drive' as a justification/excuse to not apply myself and move myself effectively within the matrix

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility and trusting myself and accepting self within self-worth and self-value, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to intentionally avoid and resist driving and getting a car in order to not actually have to face the point of taking responsibility for myself

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am not going to be 'good enough', 'smart' enough, 'effective' enough, and fear that i am not able to trust myself or 'handle' things on my own if i take on the point of expanding myself within school, work, and generally becoming more established within the matrix, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to design myself as a being who does not drive and cannot drive effectively and thus should not be expected to take on these other practical points.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse and justification of me not driving, not being a good enough driver to be road worthy, not having enough money or knowledge to properly maintain and care for a car - in order to not have to face other points within myself that have also been compounding.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear rejection and fear making mistakes, and to have such a low sense of self-worth/self-value that i would sabotage and compromise myself and remain limited and fearful and to use the point of not driving as a justification to not have to face those points.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to associate driving with extra responsibility- and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the thought/belief of 'if i get a car and learn to drive effectively, then i would not have any more excuses for not taking on more points and i would then just be 'lazy'.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear/resist getting a car and applying myself to learn to drive it effectively because of not wanting to 'appear' or 'seem' lazy to others.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself and others within the point of me not driving as a 'valid' excuse for me to not participate in being accountable and responsible for more and remaining within my fear and limitation and resistance to being seen as 'weak' to others, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create a point of projected strength within not having a car and 'doing things the hard way'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to portray myself as a 'victim' within this point of not driving and not having a car so that others who do have cars can be manipulated to support me, so that i do not actually have to admit that i am afraid of taking responsibility and afraid of making mistakes.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate self from unconditional self-acceptance and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to depend upon the acceptance and validation from others.

I stop.

I will not accept or allow myself to believe that i am not able/capable of driving, within using this point of not driving to not face other points.

When i see/notice myself going into the point of not wanting to drive/fearing to learn how to drive/resisting learning to drive effectively/fearing to drive a car, i will STOP, and realize that it is not actually about driving the car - it is about me not wanting to take responsibility and wanting to continue to depend on others because i have not established self-trust.

Till here, no further - I will not accept or allow self to define self as a person who 'doesn't drive' in order to not have to move myself within this reality to expand self and take responsibility.

No matter what

Only the mind requires a reason or excuse to enjoy self. Only the mind requires a reason or excuse to do ANYTHING at all.

walking this process is walking within total dedication and discipline in each moment and there can be no room for fickleness. No more fucking around can be tolerated. I have an opportunity that billions do not currently have and it is not acceptable to squander what is my responsibility and duty in this life - to stand for all who cannot and ensure that all abuse and separation end, and that all life that is to exist here may exist within equality and honor.

In the last few days I have existed within a 'funk' of not directing or supporting myself through resistances, and allowing self to exist within limitation and justification in order to not push through and face myself. I was fighting within and as ego/mind/self-interest/abuse of life trying to hold on to self-limitation as well as projecting frustration and resentment onto Lindsay. This is NOT acceptable.

What i have seen from my experience of going into defensiveness and hiding and resisting the practical support that Linday had been giving me, as well as my experience of seeing the manifested consequence of speaking words that i do not live (recording a vlog about stopping the mind and abusing energy and going into a point of preaching instead of sharing self- and then experiencing a near 'mugging' on the walk home).

So no more fucking around. No more excuses. I stand. I walk. My dedication is absolute and I do not give up, no matter what. Within this, I am able to enjoy self as LIFE.

I see that i had believed that one required a 'reason' or 'purpose' to enjoy self - and this is NOT true. self-enjoyment is not about 'being happy' or 'doing something exciting/fun'. Self-enjoyment is seeing and living self as LIFE as one as equal and recognizing that ALL life is precious and worthy of expression, and worthy of existing here WITHOUT enslavement and limitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'wait' for 'help' and 'assistance' before doing what i self-honestly see i am able to do for myself to support myself and take responsibility for what is going on in this world.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create excuses and justifications as to 'why' i am not 'able' to take responsibility for myself within all that i am accepting and allowing within self and within existence.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to spite existence within wanting to remain in my own 'comfort zone'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to stand separate from the words that i speak and write instead of LIVING the words as self and sharing as SELF

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be a 'fucker' to myself, within abusing self as life by participating in the mind as ego and self-interest

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not stop and delete the thoughts of 'this is too much', 'i cannot handle all of these points', 'i am a fuck-up'.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am a 'fuck-up' and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed within my existence the manifestation of 'fuck-ups'.

this is NOT a process to be taken 'at my own pace'. i have only ONE life and i must apply myself fully within stopping the abuse of and as the mind and seeing to the establishment of a global equality system.

I have the tools and the support of self-forgiveness, self-corrective application, the forum, fellow destonians, the physical, and all that stand for oneness and equality in existence.
I have the ability and means.
I AM the self-will and self-direction
I walk. I do not give up, no matter what.

CAUTION- The SRA course from Desteni will cause you to lose excuses and justifications for not changing!

i have just read through lesson 17 of the Desteni SRA course.

Within me there is a sense of definitive change. This point really 'sank in' after going into lesson 17 and the points of judgment and specifically "Reactive Self Manipulation" which is covered in the lesson.

It is as though this lesson spoke directly to me and pierced into my very being, because it laid out in specificity the way judgment, justification, blame, projection, and other mind originated tactics are used- and having gone into this lesson I experience myself as having an 'arsenal' of tools and a vocabulary with which to articulate as well as deal with what is going on within myself and to able to actually change who and what i am.

The past week as been very assisting in terms of presenting 'obstacles' which I am able to push myself to face. Since the point of 'facing' my mother i have noticed there has been a growing sense of self trust and self movement, wherein i am giving in less and less to the mind. it is as though by facing one of my largest resistances i have now gained a sense of self direction and authority, and there has been a developing sense of 'growth' and 'expansion' within myself.

i notice that i am now less influenced by my mind- by pictures, by fears, by reactions. they are still here and i still have them come up, but i am no longer automatically participating in them. there is a sense of the systems 'slowing down' within myself as i am seeing with expanding specificity how it all works.

the point of 'reactive self manipulation' really 'struck a chord' in me as i reviewed the lesson today- it had so clearly laid out and defined what is going on within that tactic that there can be no mistaking it- and within this clarity i saw immediately how i myself have used these tactics- and how in specificity it functions. i now have a direct method of recognizing this point within myself- which has been a 'large' point of self abdication for me.

currently i experience myself as though having just discovered a 'super power'. there is a persistent sense of 'expansion' and 'self trust' that is not based on an energetic or emotional reaction- but an actual experience of myself- as though a huge weight has been lifted from me- a weight that i have been carrying for a very long time. there is a sense of 'self authority' as well as clarity- wherein i am no longer 'convinced' by the contents of my mind in terms of thoughts, reactions, pictures- even though they still exist and still occur, i am no longer a slave to any of it as i had been.

lately i have also been more 'aware' of myself and of life within the context of what is here, and i have been expanding myself in terms of seeing what HERE actually is, and what the physical actually is, and seeing the perspective of how all that is HERE is all that we are within each and every one of us- how ALL and EVERYTHING is manifest in the physical and that we are at all times creating this world by virtue of what we accept and allow within ourselves. for a long while this knowledge remained within me as simply information that i have gleaned from desteni material without actually experiencing how it can be so. i am now having an actual sense of how we create this world, seeing why the world exists the way it does, and seeing my part within it all and coming to appreciate the physical.

so at this moment i am uncertain of this sense of 'self awareness' and whether i am actually mindfucking myself within an emotional/feeling experience... so i shall continue to walk and see if there is any change in terms of what i am experiencing myself as at the moment and to verify whether my change has been real.

for anyone reading this who is not a part of the introduction to desteni or the desteni SRA course- i can only say that you owe it to yourself to study the desteni material and develop a sense of self honesty so that you are able to actually support yourself effectively and see what you have been missing this entire time. the SRA course is like no other- and it will absolutely take away any excuse or justification one may have in regards to actually changing and becoming the effective and clear within all that you do and removing the patterns and limitations we have for so long accepted as 'our nature'. for those unfamiliar with desteni at all- check out the desteni material and then get yourself enrolled in the Introduction to Desteni course which will prepare you for the desteni SRA course. if you are serious about knowing what the fuck is going on and why things are the way they are and what we are able to and MUST do about it, do not hesitate or waste any more of your time.