I fear to see within me. I fear to have to face that which I do not know or understand, and do not trust myself enough to be able to deal with effectively. I want to know for certain that I can face it and continue to stand before I allow myself to become intimate with myself and to fully face who and what I am within my secret mind.
I am seeing now that the thoughts, distractions, and 'tricks' my mind is playing is only happening because I am allowing it to and in fact I am the one who is directing it to continue distracting me- because the fear of facing myself is greater than my will to face myself- thus more often than not I suppress myself and distract myself and isolate myself into a cocoon so as to not have to face my world. I see this play out in the way I distance myself from others in my actual life- interacting with people only when it is necessary to keep up appearances and continue to be able to fit in and function within the matrix and keep things stable in terms of having my job and 'work relationships'. I find myself participating in personality and compromise in order to 'fit in' and continue to be able to support myself within my current placement in the matrix. At home, I isolate myself my remaining in my bedroom, going into the common areas of the house only to get food or use the bathroom, completely minimizing my interaction with the other roommates- because I have judged them and see them as a threat- because I have not fully dealt with all that I am and I am still trying to hold back this beast within myself that I fear to face, and thus I see others as being a threat to me because I may be placed in a situation wherein I compromise myself with one of them and within that allow the 'beast' within me... the secret and suppressed dimensions of self... to step forth and I do not want to lose 'control'.
So as I am walking this process and I find myself at a point of self investigation on a particular point or pattern, I will notice my mind wandering and putting up all kinds of distractions- it is a defense mechanism to protect me from the 'big, bad, scary beast' within me that I have been trying to keep 'under control', which I keep buried deep within myself in prisons of my own design, all the while pretending to be free and in control by creating personalities and false faces to show to others so that they do not see that which I fear the most- which is myself.
“I judged me before I allowed myself to be intimate with me.” is what Sunnette had written in an article about self intimacy, which I was just reading.
So here I am looking at the point of seeking and desiring to have relationships with others, and I see how I have sought out relationships that validate, support, and reinforce my false personalities and allow me to experience a point of acceptance not as who and what I am in totality of myself, but acceptance as the person I am pretending to be while hiding the totality of myself from myself. In this way, relationships have been an extra layer of protection against the 'big, bad, scary beast' that I have judged my suppressed dimensions of self to be before I have even allowed myself to be intimate with myself in self honesty and self acceptance. Already, I had made the decision to disown those secret parts of myself that I may be ashamed of or fear others judging me for- why? Because I have judged others for such things and I have judged myself.
I do not 'like' myself. In fact I am often repulsed by who and what I have allowed myself to become. There is spitefulness, fear, jealousy, envy, judgment, deception, manipulation, deceit, and secrecy within myself, within my secret compartments that I try so hard to keep away from others so that I am not 'found out', so that I can continue to pretend to be trustworthy and acceptable. In this judgment and condemnation of myself I have forever judged myself into eternity and have accepted a life in which I am constantly in fear of self, in doubt of self, not able to actually trust myself or accept myself, but have to rely on the acceptance and trust of others whom I must convince I am something that I do not actually know myself to be in fact. Such is what relationships are in this world. Such are and have been the relationships I have accepted and allowed myself to establish and depend on. What a mess we make our world when we do not sort out the mess within our own selves.
In the act of me accepting the act of pretending and projecting myself as something that I am not in fact, and in the same action also attempting to hide myself and remain in fear of myself, I am only going to further validate this point within myself and within all of existence, as I seek others who will have come to the same conclusion and acceptance- I will seek out others who have judged themselves, fear themselves, and want to be validated and accepted not for who they are but for who they want to present themselves as, who are willing to lie, manipulate, and deceive me in order to establish another layer of protection for themselves instead of facing themselves.
This is what friends and 'lovers' do. They provide for each other the space in which each are able to deny themselves true intimacy and self honesty in exchange for validating and supporting each other in their fear. Together they form their own agreement and their own support system which does not actually support them in being alive, being free, being expressive, or being self honest with themselves and each other, but rather the opposite in which they create their own separate world in which they have agreed to not hold themselves or each other actually accountable for the totality of themselves and simply continue to support and accept each other in fear, distrust, and dishonesty. Is it any wonder why relationships are so very fickle? Why people seem to 'change'? It is because we are not who we really are. We are only walking around as the projections that we want to be seen as in spite of not actually being here in the totality of ourselves, carrying within us secrets and deceptions that we are willing to create further secrets and deceptions in order to cover up, all for the fear of judgment from others, all because we want to be accepted because we do not accept ourselves, all because we want to be free but will not give ourselves the freedom from self persecution.
Thus, I commit myself to no longer accepting or allowing this fear to exist within me or anyone in this existence. There is no judgment that is real other than the judgment I allow myself to live as. Thus there is no need for fear or resistance or shame or guilt in walking and exposing that which is within me as the secrets and unresolved points that each and every person must face and walk with what time we have here, so that we can actually stand up and correct that must be corrected, so that we can actually stop this mess once and for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a victim to the world and to the systems and to the mind consciousness, and to my preprogrammed design and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is 'too late' for me to actually change myself and correct myself and that I am powerless before such systems within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to remain being in the position of being a victim who is 'less than' the secret dishonesties within myself and to hold on to the belief and self definition of being a 'victim' who must be saved by another because I am unable to save myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the points within myself that require to be sorted out and corrected are too vast and that I will not make it in this process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in the spiteful thought of 'this is too much, I may as well just indulge myself as my programmed design because I simply won't be able to transcend all these points' without actually considering and investigating and applying myself to see if this is in fact the truth, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to slip and fall on points that I consider to be 'small' points wherein I indulge myself to gain energetic experiences or further validate my conditioning within the justification of 'I probably will not succeed in this process'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear is real and that I should obey my fears because my fears are how I am able to protect myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously seek to protect myself instead of investigating what it is that I am wanting to hold on to and have defined myself as.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as a projection overlaid upon my secret dishonesty points which I attempt to convince others to accept, thus creating another layer of deception for myself to protect myself from facing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self acceptance and self worth so completely that I am able to be easily manipulated by anyone who appears to validate, accept, or 'like' me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be wanted, liked, validated, appreciated by others because I have not wanted, liked, validated, or appreciated myself within self intimacy and self honesty within walking myself through my own points and wanting for others to accept me at 'face value' or wanting others to walk though my points for me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for others to walk with me in my process as my partners whom I am able to trust absolutely and enjoy as an equal within this process instead of standing AS that partner as myself- fully trusting myself and enjoying myself as an equal within my process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have sexual relationships in which I am able to fully trust another partner in expressing myself unconditionally and having the other partner accept me and express themselves with me unconditionally from the starting point of wanting to have a platform in which I am able to freely enjoy my sexuality from a separate perspective outside of self intimacy in which I am able to, with this ideal and perfect partner, better understand and appreciate and enjoy my own self.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have sex and to validate myself as my projected self as my self definition within my mind and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use sex as a way to not face myself and to simply accept and validate myself as my secrets through using another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider forming relationships, agreements, or 'casual sex partners' as a way for me to indulge in sexual enjoyment without actually considering myself within self honesty as well as considering what is best for those who may be my partners within this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire physical intimacy, touch, and 'romance' from the starting point of creating an experience for myself in which I am fulfilled through these things, instead of standing within and as self fulfillment through self intimacy, self acceptance, self worth, self value, and self trust.