After reading Andrea's blog post on moving through resistances while blogging/vlogging, i saw how i have not been as effective as i can be within my blogging and self writing.
i see that as i have taken on this point of blogging daily (nightly), i have seen a pattern emerge wherein i meet up with a lot of resistance within writing - often physically falling asleep and typing gibberish on the keyboard and having to 'force' myself to remain HERE - and only writing out a few coherent paragraphs without actually directing or supporting myself through the point. Doing my writing during the morning is definitely more practical and support for me, and i will continue to push myself to write earlier instead of waiting until later in the evening - however i must still support myself through the resistances and blockages so that i am actually moving myself within self-change.
what i see here is that i have been facing some suppressed points lately - and compounded self definitions are now 'coming up' to the 'surface' - and there is definitely resistance blogging/vlogging - because in self-honesty i fear changing - i fear actually having to lose my comfort zone. i fear having to actually let it all go and walk into the 'unknown', letting go of what i have defined myself as within my ego/personality design which i have depended on for 'survival' within this matrix world - thus there is a resistance in the form of wanting to 'hold on' to my self-definitions within having accepted such definitions as self.
it was suggested to write down the points that i have been working with for the last few months and note the points where i have not changed or actually lived self-correction - and investigate what it is that i am holding on to - taking into consideration where i am currently and what it is that i am still holding on to - what are the points of self-definition, memories, experiences i am not at this moment willing to let go of completely? where in my world now am i relying on my 'old' self in order to get by?
Here I compile a list of points that i have been working on and have not made progress with. I will be taking these points one at a time to write out the specific resistances/fears as well as what i am holding on to as a survival mechanism before moving on to the next point.
The first point i will take on within this application is the point of procrastination -
Procrastination - I continuously allow myself to be distracted within my mind, and allow myself to put things off instead of dealing with things directly. I am still allowing self to wait until it is late into the evening before getting things done, or postponing certain chores or errands due to participating in thoughts wherein i am projecting myself doing the task and creating resistances, fears, anxiety over what requires doing - which is a tactic that my personality design uses to not actually deal with or take on a point in my actual reality and then blame it on not having enough 'time' or not being prepared.
The trigger/entry for this is when i begin to think about the things i require to get done - and within this start to conceptualize and internalize the doing, and allowing self to get lost in the internalization of the point instead of addressing the point in the physical. This is a coping mechanism wherein i allow myself to justify and remain within my self-limitations.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not able to get things done in a practical manner.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am 'a failure' and within this, i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to disregard who and what i am here.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fall for the mind's tactic of using memories and events/experiences out of context and creating new thoughts and pictures which i then react to and allow self to be influenced by.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to rush through the points that require doing because of procrastination.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as procrastination in order to cope with fear, anxiety, and nervousness which stem from thoughts i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate as a means to not actually change and remain within the comfort zone built up by my ego/personality
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear actually taking responsibility for all aspects of my life.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to depend on 'rushing' through what i have to get done in order to not actually face my own fear of doing something wrong, messing up, or looking foolish - which is actually more likely to happen if/when i rush.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to put things off until the last moment so that i can distract myself within the 'deadline' and stress and tension in order to not face my own points.
I will continue with further investigation on this point and follow up with self correction.
Other points that i have mapped out for myself are below, which i will work through one at a time.
Defensiveness/Reaction to Points being called out
Establishing myself within the matrix - getting a job that supports me effectively