Excuses, Excuses - What I'm Realizing about Excuses and Self Sabotage

Excusing Excuses? What I am Realizing about Excuses as Self-Sabotage

Joe Kou

2/18/2012

When is an excuse valid?

The mere asking of that question already invalidates the person asking it because in the very structure of such a question, the person asking is already abdicating and giving in to the idea and belief that there is some acceptable and justifiable answer for an 'excuse'.

This question arose within me earlier today looking at the point of consistency in my application, and I noticed myself experiencing a 'low' within me, as though there has been a weight within myself that I have been carrying but had been trying to ignore and simply 'cope with' rather than actually open up the point for myself.

What I saw within this is that I have not been as effective as I know I am able to be, and the only 'reason' for this can only come from the mind in the form of an excuse – the only 'reason' why I have not been effective with managing my time and being diligent in my consistency with things that I am taking on in my world can only come from what I am still accepting and allowing within me as experiences and justifications that I am abdicating myself to.

When I have a look at this point of not being diligent and consistent with points that I see and realize require my direction and application, the self honest answer is that there is nothing REAL holding me back – there is nothing physically limiting me from being able to be as effective as I can be in each moment, which leaves the realization that what is in fact holding meback is ME, and to be more specific, it is what I am accepting and allowing within myself.

When I sat with myself for a moment to look at this point, the first 'instinct' was to immediately look for 'reasons' and 'justifications' as to WHY I am not effectively taking on the points in my world and WHY things are not working out, WHY I am apparently unable to direct my living and the relationships with beings in my world currently – and in all this I was completely leaving out the point of realizing that any question that begins with “WHY” is actually just seeking a justification or a 'reason' that will seemingly make the situation “okay” or “acceptable” - like

“Oh, so that's WHY this is happening. I understand now – boy am I glad I figured that out. I am so smart!”

And then leaving the point exactly where it is without any practical change or correction because apparently the ego is thus satisfied and has gotten itself 'off the hook' because as long as there is a reason – an excuse – a way for the ego to continue without having to change, without having to let go of an aspect of itself, it will at all costs latch on to whatever excuse we imagine for ourselves.

As I observed this 'search for reasons and excuses' that was happening within me, I realized that if I allowed myself to listen to any 'answer' that would come from this kind of 'questioning', I would only be denying myself the actual solution and the actual point of responsibility which will allow me to actually and practically correct myself.

Thus, every time I listen to my mind when it gives me a 'reason' for something, it is offering an excuse – it is offering a 'backdoor' through which I am able to manipulate myself and sabotage myself from actually taking responsibility for a point within myself. For example when I was looking at this point of not being diligent and consistent in the points that I am taking on in my world, the reasons came up immediately -

“I don't have enough time!”

“I'm too tired and drained from working so much!”

“My home environment is not supportive!”

“I'll just cope with things for now and I'll change later when things are more stable!”

All of the above statements say NOTHING IN FACT because they are only statements of belief, opinion, and conjecture – and have absolutely no practical basis within my actual physical reality, yet if I allow myself to accept any of those statements as 'real', I make the statement real through my own acceptance and allowance – and I become equal to those statements.

So here I am flagging this and taking responsibility for having accepted and allowed such statements to exist within and as me as excuses which I have used to excuse myself from actually changing and doing what I see is required to be done.

Firstly I will look at the word EXCUSE as it is currently defined -

EXCUSE (VERB)

1. to regard or judge with forgiveness or indulgence; pardon or forgive; overlook (a fault, error, etc.): Excuse his bad manners.

2. to offer an apology for; seek to remove the blame of: He excused his absence by saying that he was ill.

3. to serve as an apology or justification for; justify: Ignorance of the law excuses no one.

4. to release from an obligation or duty: to be excused from jury duty.

5. to seek or obtain exemption or release for (oneself): to excuse oneself from a meeting.

POLARITY CHARGES

Here I see that I have assigned a negative charge to the word excuse. Thus -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assign a negative charge to the word 'excuse' and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word “excuse” by allowing this polarity charge within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the word 'excuse' as being manipulative and deceptive because of how I have lived the word within my own application of manipulating and deceiving myself with excuses and justifications in order to not take responsibility for points within myself and my world and to project my own self judgment upon the very word 'excuse' because I am and have always been aware that the way I excuse myself with justifications and reasons is actually self dishonest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the word 'excuse' as being 'bad' instead of realizing that the word 'excuse' is simply a word and that I have been living the definition of that word as 'bad' – thus I am responsible for how I experience that word and how I present that word as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist using the word excuse because I have within my life created excuses as justifications and reasons in order to 'get out of trouble' and to avoid having to take responsibility for things that I am in fact responsible for.

I see and realize that the word 'excuse' is neither 'good' or 'bad' and is simply a word and that I require to purify myself within the way I am living and defining that word as myself.

Here I see that I have taken the word 'excuse' and lived it from a starting point of self-manipulation, wherein I use excuses to justify and explain away within my ego why I am not required to change, or to use the logic of the mind to 'reason' my way out of taking responsibility for myself within a point that I see requires to be directed, wherein I am releasing myself from responsibility by making something “okay” or “acceptable” when it is not – and the more I allow this game of “I excuse myself” the more I am allowing my backchat to direct me and the more I become the excuses and justifications I sell myself.

Another point to look at is what is it that I am actually excusing? And how is it that I allow myself to excuse that which is not acceptable? In this particular matter I am facing the point of realizing that I am not directing my time or my daily practical living effectively – so if I buy into any excuse in regard to this point, I am excusing myself for not directing myself effectively and I am actually giving myself a free pass to not only ignore the actual cause of me not being effective in my world, I am actually allowing myself to CONTINUE being ineffective – which is self abuse and self dishonesty.

Thus here I am no longer allowing myself to live this pattern of excuse within myself wherein I sabotage myself with an excuRse that traps me in my own self accepted limitation and instead to direct myself by asking HOW instead of WHY, and to support myself using the tools of writing, self forgiveness, and self-corrective application and establish me as point of self-change instead of allowing self to excuRse self and have to face the point compounded again as a time-loop.

Redefining and Clarification of the word “Excuse”

When I look at this word I see that 'excuses' are only able to be generated by the mind as a form of 'story telling' that attempts to paint a certain portrayal of an event or situation based on the reference point and perspective of the mind and not actually based on what is here in self honesty.

For example, a person who does not complete a task is able to see clearly for themselves how it is that they did not complete the task in question and to make necessary adjustments. Here, an excuse is not at all necessary as to WHY the person did not complete the task – because such a “WHY” question will only bring justifications and reasons whereas asking HOW will bring about the actual, practical, structural points that the person is able to have a look at, which has no 'negative' or 'positive' charge because it is simply looking at a point from a structural and practical perspective and is not personal.

Thus when I see/notice myself gathering up information within myself in preparation for an 'excuse' as an answer to WHY a person or situation in my life is going a certain way, I will stop and realize that what I am actually doing is giving myself a backdoor to not in fact look at the practical and structural corrections that I am able to make in order to stop/direct a point in myself or my world and realize that it is not personal and that if I am not effective within a certain point it is within my ability and responsibility to change and adjust.

I will therefore support myself my immediately stopping the WHY and rather ask myself HOW and write the point out and apply the necessary self forgiveness and self corrective application.

Thus “excuse” is not a word I will live and use within a starting point of abdicating self responsibility – rather I see and realize that 'excuse' is a device and mechanism of self misdirection and is an indication point for me that I am participating in a point of ego instead of looking at the point within self honesty and common sense because nothing that is here requires an 'excuse'.

So here, an example of taking responsibility for the words that one is living and accepting and realizing that WORDS are the foundation upon which we have built and designed who we are and what we live – thus it is important that we support ourselves by having effective tools and a structured method with which to open up the nitty gritty of ourselves and what we have become and actually re-create ourselves and take back all of the dimensions of self that we have separated ourselves from so that we can in fact be a REAL INDIVIDUAL within the contextof oneness and equality wherein we stand as an individualized and self-directed point within the expression of oneness and equality as who we are as life.

If you have not already, check out the desteni material and give yourself the gift of actually waking up for the first time and realizing that you are able to have a life of expression, value, and dignity by freeing yourself from the conditioning and the 'religion of the self' that we as humanity have abdicated ourselves to for so long. It is time to reclaim who you are and stand as an example for this world – so join us and walk with us and together let us sort out the mess we have been leaving here for centuries and build a world that will be heaven on earth. 

Do You DARE to End Fear in One BREATH?

A destonian asked me today “Do you dare to end fear in one single breath?”

This question 'struck' me because I wanted to say yes. I wanted to say “I dare to end fear in one single breath” but within me there was the immediate hesitation, and within that moment I said “I want to say yes, but self honestly the answer is no”.

Why did I say that? Why did I allow that to be the answer that I live and exist as? Who am I in relation to ending fear in one breath?

The first point that comes up is memories and experiences wherein I have made declarations and promises before but did not live up to them or ended up giving up on them – so the first reaction within me was the thought that it would be 'best' to not make such statements when I am not absolutely certain that I can live up to them because then I would be lying to myself and will only create a bigger time loop for me to walk through – but really this is still just limitation and excuses to remain limited. This is still the same design of enslavement that has kept humanity excusing itself from actually changing and doing whatever it takes, no matter what, to stand up and take responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the words “Do you dare to end fear in one single breath?” within separating myself from those words as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living the statement of ending fear in one single breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not ending fear in one breath due to not taking self responsibility for what self is accepting and allowing to exist within self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not living up to the statement of “I dare to end fear in one breath”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain within the limitation of fearing to end fear in one breath so that I can continue to justify my position of limitation and continue to remain 'powerless' and pretend that I am not responsible for my self-creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist changing me and walking the physical correction of me to stop the patterns and experiences and memories that I have existed as because such patterns and experiences and memories are not real in fact and will only keep me enslaved to living in my past and trying to fix my past instead of being here and realizing that here, in each breath, is the opportunity to change me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by the fear of failure and projecting failure into my future within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to end fear in one breath because apparently fear is who and what I stand equal to and thus resist letting go of because then I would actually be letting go of a part of me which provided me with a way of not actually dealing with my life because I would always be able to hide behind fear as a distraction and excuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ending fear in one breath because if I did not have fear and did not accept or allow fear within me, there would no longer be any more excuses for me to not live fully in each moment and actually stand up within myself and my world and do whatever I can to make a difference because then I would no longer fear failure, fear opinions of others, fear my past, or fear my own projected limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'talk' myself out of being able to stop fear in one breath due to fear of not being able to stop fear in one breath and thus have to experience a fall within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate stopping fear in one breath with the thought and belief that it is not possible because this is just 'the way I am' because this is not in fact so and is only a self-belief.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as me the statement “I dare to end fear in one breath”.

When I notice myself facing a point of fear within myself I will stop and bring myself back HERE and live the statement of “I dare to end fear in one breath” and I will move myself to immediately correct myself and work with the situation that I find myself in without fear or anxiety and will not accept or allow fear or anxiety within me and in this I will live as me the statement “I dare to stop fear in one breath”.

When I notice myself participating in fear within myself I will stop because I realize that I am the one who creates the fear and I am the one who allows the fear to have an 'effect' on me, so within that realization I do not require to experience or allow fear to direct who I am, because the fear will only protect my limitations.

The next point I noticed within me was the 'eternity' aspect of making a statement such as “I dare to end fear in one single breath” - such a statement is a 'forever' statement that can only be true if it stands the test of time, and within this was intimidation and fear because forever according to the mind is a very long 'time' and in that time, I accepted and allowed myself to project backdoors and already anticipate that I will indeed continue to fall to fear and experience the disappointment of not living up to my words. So already, I have excused and justified why I am not able to make a statement and stand by it for eternity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making statements that stand for eternity because I have not trusted myself or developed within myself sufficient self trust and discipline to stand within and as the statement of “I dare to end fear in one breath”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making and living the statement of “I dare to end fear in one breath” only to be faced with a fear and not live up to the statement and thus diminish my point of self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself the opportunity to live the statement of “I dare to end fear in one breath” within holding on to my current ideas and beliefs and limitations and believing that I am not able to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making eternal statements because I fear that I do not have the sufficient self will and self discipline to make a decision that lasts for eternity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear eternity because I fear repeating the mistakes of my past and thus project those mistakes into the future, which I then compound when considering the span of “eternity” as an infinite 'future' in which I am able to make many many more mistakes and failures.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making the same mistakes from my past because there are still points within myself and my environment which I have not transcended and within this I fear that I will not be able to stand eternally within a point because I have not yet transcended what I am currently facing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of “I do not trust myself now so I cannot ever trust myself” as a way to abdicate myself and deny my responsibility to change self and direct self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I make the statement of “I dare to stop fear in one breath” then it means that I must, from now on, never experience fear again – instead of realizing that it is not about never experiencing fear, but to stop fear in one breath each and every time from now into eternity until fear no more exists within me or my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that making and living the statement of “I dare to stop fear in one breath” means that in one breath I must forevermore never experience or have to face fear again, and within that expectation I already talk myself out of being able to practically live the statement “I dare to stop fear in one breath”.

I realize that “time” according to the mind is not real and that 'eternity' does not exist as some vast expanse outside of myself projected forever into the future, but is in fact already HERE. Thus who I am now, and what I am currently accepting of myself in this moment, is the self that is being lived into eternity – which means that who I am as the current accumulation of 'me' is the 'me' that will exist within and as eternity, and that in each moment I am responsible for ensuring that who I am and what I accumulate as me is what is best for all, because then what is best for all is what I am contributing and existing as for 'eternity'.

So within this, I live the word 'eternity' not as some future outside of myself that goes on forever and ever separate from me, over which I apparently have no influence, but rather 'eternity' is that which is already here, that which is the infinite moment – thus to live a statement for eternity is to live a statement in each moment – in each breath – which can only be done breath by breath. And as I push and will myself to live breath by breath and ensure that I am living fully and in self honesty in each breath, one after the other, one forgiving and letting go of the other and not worrying about the 'next' breath that is not yet here, I will be able to live any statement into the eternity that is HERE.

The next point I saw within this was that at the moment there are still points within myself and my environment where I am not the directive principle of me, where I still allow myself to participate in fear, still allow myself to remain enslaved to the mind and abdicate myself to a position in which I simply 'let life happen to me' and 'go along for the ride' instead of taking the wheel for myself and directing myself in each moment and ensuring that my actions are always accumulating within what is best for all. It is in such places where backchat and self-defeat reside – the corners where I have abdicated myself the most – the people and situations that I have always dreaded and feared – are the places that I must walk through and stand within to forevermore establish beyond the shadow of any doubt that I indeed remain and that I will not fall, and that the words that I speak as declarations of self will stand the test of time. I realize this because if there is anything within me that I am fearing to direct, fearing to face, fearing to take responsibility for, then I am not actually trustworthy because I will continue to abdicate myself and compromise my self honesty in order to remain 'safe' from that fear – thus any statement of self cannot actually be trusted if self is not trustworthy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist taking responsibility for who I am and what I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in in relation to my current situation and environment because of believing that I am not able to stand up and change within this specific circumstance and thus should simply allow myself to go along 'for the ride' and allow myself to be moved by consequence instead of self direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and resist my current situation instead of realizing that this is the exact situation behind which I have hidden many of my fears and limitation and that it is only my mind as ego and self interest that is telling me that I should find a way 'out' so as not to have to actually face myself and what I have created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the environment and the people in my life right now within separation and comparison, and within this, fear to stand up and direct myself because of fearing that I may fail and make things worse for me if I “rock the boat”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, for my entire existence, not trust or value myself enough to stand up and change myself and face all of the points where I abdicate myself and give myself over to fear and limitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am able to just 'get on with life' and allow life to 'sort things out' on my behalf without having to face manifested consequences and have to take responsibility for myself and my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and fear living the statement “I dare to stop fear in one breath” because that would mean I would have to no longer participate in the excuses and fears and limitations that I currently experience in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to resist facing who I am and who I have designed myself to be and taking the responsibility to change me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'wait' until I have the answer or wait until some better solution presents itself before I take the initiative to direct myself and my world.

I stop allowing myself to procrastinate and complain and argue in regards to my life and my circumstances because I realize that I am alone responsible for how I am experiencing myself within my reality and that I am responsible for what I am accepting and allowing within myself, which manifests within my world as the reflection of me.

I stop complaining and arguing about my life and my situation within my backchat to myself within getting myself into a state of self defeat and depression because I see and realize that this will only further enslave me to my experiences and will not assist or support me in changing my world or my experience.

When I see myself throwing myself a 'pity party' I will stop, bring myself to a complete and total stop and realize that such pity parties will only prolong my experience and will only lead to more polarity as I shift from the negative into the positive only to start all over again as I feed the energetic addictions of my design, believing that this is what it is to be 'alive'. Thus I will stop and realize that throwing myself a pity party and not supporting myself and simply resorting to whining and complaining within myself as backchat or to others in my world will only feed that exact experience further, and will actually support that very experience within this world because I am standing one and equal to it.

When I see myself complaining and whining instead of directing myself and walking the solution as myself, I stop and realize that I am only arguing for my limitations and that I am only enslaving myself further to consequence instead of being self-directed. Thus I will myself to STOP whining and complaining about my life and my situation and instead investigate how I created this current situation and how I am responsible for directing it within what is best for all – thus giving myself back to myself, equalizing myself to “God” by forgiving myself and creating myself 'anew'.

Thus I now live the statement of “I dare to stop fear in one breath” instead of “I do not dare to stop fear in one breath” - breath by breath I will live this and I will continue to bring myself back to breath each time I 'lose' myself, until I am here, as the eternal statement “I dare to stop fear in one breath”.

I am grateful for this fellow destonian for bringing up this question - and I encourage all to ask themselves as well. 

Stopping the Broken Record Begins with Self Change

This is my one life. What does that mean to me practically?

In reflecting on my 'life' thus far I see that I have been living out the same general pattern over and over – as though the same cycles keep repeating and I find myself always returning the the same position, only being worse off than before because I have lost faith in myself, or I have lost self-trust because I had recognized the same issues and yet did not push myself to break the pattern and in finding myself back in the same spot that I seem to always return to, I experience a diminishment within myself because then comes the thought “Maybe this is just the way it is” or “Maybe I really can't change, because I keep falling back to this”.

I am at the moment experiencing such a point – where there is a bugging question that seems to burn within me – which is “Am I really just stuck repeating the same mistakes, living the same patterns, continuing to lose myself more and more?” - I have entertained this question within myself many times before and in a way I would say that this question is always in the background, part of my back-chat, part of the actual personality that I have become because this question has never been satisfactorily answered and has been a constant point of doubt within me – which now I see has been part of the reason why I continue to manifest the same pattern – the same question – because I have not actually answered it for myself.

The general point that I can identify is that I will find myself in a situation where I must break through my accepted comfort zones and expand myself to take on greater responsibilities while having the support that I require in order to do so, and yet I have within my life consistently sabotaged myself or found ways to excuse or justify why I was not 'able' to push past the comfort zone and walk into a new expression within self trust. What would then happen is I would give in to my fears, and anticipate failure, and within the anticipation of failure I would immediately seek the 'scapegoat' – the point where I could blame or justify why I failed so that I would not have to ever move beyond my comfort zone and would never have to actually stand within self trust, which comes with self responsibility.

Often I have blamed my environment, by family, my financial situation, my lack of 'access' to a resource, or the people in my immediate world whether it was coworkers or intimate partners, but I have not, in self honesty, brought the points back to self completely – always I had left a back door open to blame and project onto others and always I tried to protect my own ego because I thought that the ego was going to protect me and help me 'sort things out' and 'keep my world together'.

What is fascinating is that I am becoming more aware of myself within all of this – I can see the mechanisms moving and am able to catch myself more than I have before. I am beginning to develop the self intimacy and understanding of me, of how I work, of how my design functions – and within understanding how and why I have allowed this design of myself to exist as me, I am able to take responsibility.

I did not want to be self honest with myself and face the fact that I am responsible for my experience and that I am the one creating all of it. I did not want to have to be the one to let go of my ego, my self design, and correct myself and take responsibility for myself. And here, I still have doubts – I still have insecurities – but I see that self trust is not magical – it must be developed, trained, maintained just like any other skill that one wishes to acquire – just like anything else that has become part of my current pattern and design as 'joe kou' – and as long as I keep the question of “Am I doomed to repeat the same failures” burning within me, I will continue having to face manifested consequences in my life until the question is settled once and for all – and here I see I must make a stand and ensure that I stop falling – stop looping – stop allowing myself to only learn from 'mistakes' and 'consequences' and begin to direct myself within self trust and self directive application – otherwise my life will remain one giant broken record trying to come to some 'conclusion' that never arrives – constantly playing the same old tune – the same old routines – the same tired song. It is time to stop because the longer I let this record stay stuck, the deeper the imprint left on the record itself and the more difficult I make it for myself to actually move on, where eventually this one song, this one loop, becomes all there is because it's all that I've ever accepted of myself.

I am beginning to understand more clearly the function and design of ego – which I would define as the design of myself as knowledge and information which I have accepted and allowed myself to believe is who and what I am, which exists in a 'secret space' within myself where I am the 'god' of my inner reality able to believe whatever I choose to believe and experience myself in whatever manner pleases me as ego and gives me the sense of energy and stimulation which I have allowed myself to accept as 'being alive'.

I have come to see that the design of ego is actually a construct meant to keep me forever acting, interacting, and reacting to and as the mind as thoughts, feelings, and emotions, which generate the energy that the ego must feed off of in order to be 'alive'.

The ego does not rest, and is eternally patient because it is in a way the 'master design' of what I have accepted and allowed myself to be – it is 'master' because I have within my life extensively abdicated myself and made myself subservient to it, believing it to actually BE who I am.

When I have made mistakes within my life, I have relied on my ego to 'patch things up again' within myself – putting up walls of excuses and justifications and convenient ways to blame others for my limitations and shortcomings – because the ego cannot ever be proven 'wrong' or 'fallible' – because to do so would undermine the entire personality design of me which has been based and built upon the foundation of trusting my ego and trusting my 'intellect'.

When it comes to matters of having to take responsibility for events that occur within my life, I experience heavy resistance which I now see is the ego needing to be 'right' and requiring that a way be found to not take responsibility so that the ego can remain intact – like a dictator that eliminates all evidence of his wrongdoing and prevents any kind of dissent that may lead to revolt – that is how I have within my life intentionally been a dictator to myself – where I have not wanted to face my limitations and take responsibility for myself to change myself and correct myself as well as make proper reparations to the people in my world that I have manipulated and abused – all in the name of protecting myself, all in the name of keeping up the facade of me being 'in control' and 'stable' when in fact I was enslaved and constantly experiencing turbulence within myself as energy and conflict.

Ok so bringing this point back to my original topic – which is what this all means in the scope of me facing my points within this one and only life – this one and only opportunity for me to realize myself as life and stop playing the same old record of diminishment.

I am realizing that each time I fall on a point or each time that I find that I have time-looped a point and have to face it all over again, I as the ego, as the dictator which has a vested interest in me continuing to diminish myself as life so that I may remain enslaved – will use that point as further authority to remain in power – meaning each time that I diminish my point of self trust and self honesty by falling on a point and not taking responsibility for myself, I further entrench myself within and as ego – believing myself to be able to 'outsmart' manifested consequence and not have to face my self creation – which is of course impossible.

So what would happen is I would experience the fall and realize that I did not stand up and that I must walk the point over again, but now there is greater doubt within me, and a greater chance for the ego to assert itself in order to 'protect' me from having to face the fear of failure again. The ego will use any and ALL means so that I remain enslaved forever to my self beliefs and forever hold myself to my past as experiences instead of standing up within and as principle within and as each breath, and within this, the likelihood that I will fall again becomes greater, and self diminishes more, and the record keeps repeating, and more and more I allow myself to believe that I cannot change, that I am a 'loser', that I am forever enslaved to my 'design'.

No more. No more because I give myself the authority and responsibility to stop diminishing myself out of fear of diminishment. No more, because I understand how this ego functions and I know where it will lead me if I continue to allow myself to defer to it and hold myself as prisoner to my past.

I give myself the authority and responsibility, understanding that I am fully equipped and fully capable of supporting myself through this process and that the answer to “Am I doomed to remain enslaved forever” is NO, because each time I do not accept the preprogrammed reaction of the ego – each time I do not allow myself to go into self pity or self judgment and not live the courage to take responsibility for myself, for my life, and for my world, I am restoring self as authority and thus not allowing self to be enslaved.

In the scope of this reality – this existence – my issues with ego are petty. There are billions of humans on this planet who are not even aware of the tools of self forgiveness and self honesty and will continue their existence lost and repeating the same cycle of diminishment until all of humanity has completely diminished. There are billions who will never have the chance or opportunity to have what I now have at my disposal – to have the access and the resources to change self and stand up and change this system so that ALL may realize for themselves that we do not require to diminish – that we do not require to exist under the tyranny of dictatorships whether they be political heathens who abuse and exploit their citizens or the dictatorships of the mind as ego that abuse who and what we are as life.

So what am I saying? What am I realizing? And what will I do?

I realize that I have only one life and that it is up to me to stand up and make of this life something that is of benefit and support for all because what is best for all is what matters – what is best for all is the optimum realization of who we all are as life – and that at the moment I am limited by my own self accepted limitations and definitions which are my responsibility to change – and that no amount of self forgiveness that is not followed with immediate self correction will only be another point abdication where I diminish myself as well as diminish the opportunity to stand up as life for the billions who may never get the opportunity to do the same.

I realize that falling is simply and indication that I have not fully stood within my realizations and still have backdoors and limitations – and that I do not require to judge myself or go into self pity or diminish myself within what I have already walk and what I have pushed through so far, but simply require to adjust and keep walking as the correction, and here not allowing the ego to take it's revenge or to feed doubt or diminishment within myself. 

I realize that the ego is simply a design to keep me from actually breaking through my accepted and allowed limitations and is not in fact assisting me to expand myself as a being within self trust and self honesty. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into pity and self doubt and self judgment when realizing that I have not stood and that I must re-walk a point that I did not transcend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others will judge me and seek to harm me or hold me at a disadvantage if I expose that I have points that I have fallen on, which is actually only my own ego holding myself back and victimizing myself and thus resonating that as my accepted and allowed 'nature' which I fear others may 'pick up on'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to stand alone without support and yet within that very fear isolating myself and casting myself out and deceiving myself and others within using my ego to present a self that is 'together' and 'stable' instead of being self honest and actually correcting myself and walking equal with others who walk this process. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of ego and trusting myself to direct myself without the 'feedback' of the ego to tell me what to do in order to not have to stand as the point of self change. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my ego and to want to separate myself from ego when in fact the ego is but my own accepted and allowed participation one and equal and thus I am not separate from ego and ego is not an 'enemy' to be battled or feared but simply to stand and direct myself one and equal and align myself so that the pattern/design that I exist as is a pattern/design that supports what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within constant and consistent self doubt and self diminishment within holding on to my failures and my past within fearing to fall and fearing that others will judge me for falling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and define myself within failure and diminishment as the memories and experiences of and as my past which I have stored within myself as knowledge and information instead of realizing that life is not able to be lived or expressed within the past or within stored knowledge and information because life is HERE, in each moment, in each breath, and in each breath I am determining what I am living as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within the emotion and pattern of feeling like a 'loser' and that “I will never be able to do anything right, so why bother?” when facing a point within my world where I require to challenge the foundations of my self-design or when I am facing a point that I have not yet transcended and must walk from the beginning again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the realization of having to walk a point over again and re-establishing self within self trust and self honesty to the idea and belief that there must be a period in which I diminish myself and go into self judgement and self hatred for having 'failed' and thus create more conflict and friction and self doubt within and as self, instead of realizing that I am able to simply breathe and in one breath correct myself and move on and never look back again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define responsibility as something that I must dread and fear and prepare myself for in order to avoid pain, embarrassment, or possible failure or having to admit that I made a mistake that requires to be corrected and taken responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is painful, embarrassing, or likely to lead to further failure and problems when I take responsibility for a point that requires to be corrected within myself, my environment, my relationships, or my world.

When I notice myself tightening up when faced with a point of fear or anxiety within taking responsibility on a point or when I am anticipating failure or shame or embarrassment, I STOP immediately and realize that this is the revenge of the ego attempting to assert itself.

When I notice myself tightening up when faced with a point of fear or anxiety within taking responsibility for a point or when I am anticipating failure or shame or embarrassment, I will give myself a moment to breathe, check in with myself, and will not say or do anything out of reaction in order to avoid responsibility or to escape from the experience of fear or anxiety within me. I will breathe and clear myself and when I am clear I will accept the responsibility that I require to take and will see it through because I realize and understand that if I do not, I will only diminish myself further and the problems will not go away and I will simply have to face them again, compounded.

When I notice myself wanting to hide or ignore or blame another or fabricate stories to mask my responsibility, I STOP, I breathe, and will NOT allow myself to go there because I see and realize that if I attempt to hide from myself and from another my point of responsibility by trying to blame, justify, or fabricate, I am compromising my self honesty and thus accumulating conflict and friction within myself which will undermine me as my principle and I will require to face the point again, compounded.

When I see and notice myself wanting to remain in limitation and self pity when facing a point or feeling overwhelmed or experiencing myself as unable to move on, I push myself to remain here as breath and constantly bringing myself back HERE instead of being in the mind as ego. I do not require to judge myself or involve the ego in any way because I simply require to do what is necessary to be done to the best of my ability – and any doubts or resentments or regrets will only come if I hold myself back within fear or limitation or excuses – because if I self honestly am HERE and doing what I require to do in the moment, there is no reason to judge or doubt myself for what I “should have done”.

So I continue, I adjust, I keep walking. I do not give up on myself. I will not allow myself to give up on myself because I realize that this is not just about 'me'. This is my one and only life and I must make the best of it and use what is here to the fullest of my ability because there is no guarantee that I will be here again and no way of knowing what will become of me or this world when I am gone, so while I am here I push myself to stand for the billions of others who at the moment cannot – because they are ME, depending on ME as life to stand up and change this world – and that change must first be reflected within and as myself so that I can stand absolute and know that I will do whatever it takes to stop this broken record of diminishment that humanity has been looping. 

Dare to Change the Broken Record of Self Limitation?

SF on Discipline and Consistency - Building A Better Self

I am currently working with the point of consistency and discipline within directing myself and the time that I have in my day and a few fascinating points have come up within this.

What is fascinating here is that discipline and consistency are actually the very tools that one must master in order to be successful in anything that one takes on, and the more disciplined and consistent one is, the more effective one becomes in manifesting the outcome that they would like – and this is not to be compared to the Law of Attraction theory of 'focus on what you want' and the Universe will simply manifest it for you by attracting your desires into your reality based on your thoughts – here I am speaking about the practical application of discipline and consistency and how that is a part of our self-creation.

What I am beginning to understand and apply for myself is the realization that it is through accumulation that we create who we are as well as influence our environment and the world that we participate in. This reality is based on a kind of 'input/output' programming where the things one participates in constantly and continuously will be most likely to manifest – and this is true for the words that we speak to ourselves in our backchat as well – because if one is constantly and continuously participating in diminishing and self dishonest back-chat, what is in fact happening is that one is already scripting self and accumulating the points where the back-chat will actually manifest and play out in one's world and ones reality because it is the 'reality' that one has actually accepted within self, as the back-chat.

A point that I have also come to realize is that there is no hiding from back-chat because that which we are accepting and allowing within ourselves WILL manifest within our world in one way or another so that we face the point of our self-creation, and we take responsibility for what we are doing to ourselves and others – so when it comes to back-chat I have had resistances to working with the actual nature of me, the actual nastiness that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and try to hide in my secret mind where apparently nobody can 'find out' but really there is no point to trying to hide it because any fear of judgment from others is actually my own judgment of myself, my own guilt and shame of myself for having allowed such participation within me in spite of self-honesty – and thus to judge myself or try to suppress these points further or try to 'cope' with it just won't work because I am still HERE and I am with me and I cannot in fact lie to myself because self is always aware even when self is being deliberately dishonest with self, self is aware – and in that awareness is the point where self must and will eventually stand either by self direction or by manifested consequence.

So to bring this point back in relation to resistances to discipline and consistency.

Firstly I see that I have held on to ideas and conceptions about discipline and consistency that do not actually support me in how I would like to live those words as me.

Firstly, discipline – I have attached the idea of being 'punished' and being 'forced' to do something against my will, something that I do not want to do and do not agree with doing, but am being made to do it by an authority that has power over me, which I resent and want to 'fight back against', so I begrudgingly do the thing that I am being forced to do because I am being 'disciplined' and have to trust the other being that this is 'for my own good' – this of course coming from experiences in my childhood in relation to my mother and how I experienced her as 'disciplining me' when I would be scolded or made to correct myself in order to fit what my mother perceived to be the correct thing for me to do in terms of what she believed was best for me.

So here already 'discipline' has a negative connotation and a separation from self in terms of believing that 'discipline' is something that I must do in order to please/appease something outside of myself – such as another person, a group, or an ideal separate from me as who I am – and here is where resistance plays a role, where I am wanting to 'fight back' and wanting to 'assert myself' within trying to defend myself and protect the current ideas and definitions I have about myself in fear that I am being 'challenged unfairly' and being 'forced' to do something I don't want to do and not trusting self within doing what is actually best for all and for myself, and fearing that what I am trying to 'discipline' myself for is not in fact best for me.

So here is the point where backchat comes up about 'discipline' – where I go into excuses and justifications within ego and wanting to defend why it is 'not necessary' to apply myself within discipline on a point that I am working with – such as “That's not going to work anyway” or “I'll get to it when I'm ready – I'm not ready right now and I have other things I'd rather do”, or “I will allow myself this time to not stick to discipline and instead do what I desire to do and then I will apply myself within discipline again, after I have indulged myself”.

So when I participate in these points and allow myself to give in to this backchat, I am actually already participating in a form of 'discipline' – where I as my mind/ego/self interest/personality apply the 'discipline' of not standing up and stopping my participation within thoughts/energy as desires and preferences – and the more I allow this to continue, the more disciplined my ego and backchat becomes – the more persistent and persuasive it becomes, because the backdoor has been left WIDE OPEN for such points to possess me and compromise me as the standing of myself within self direction. So here already I am quite 'disciplined' through the process of accumulating instances where I have allowed my backchat and desires to direct me instead of applying myself, stopping myself, correcting myself, and establishing myself as the directive principle of me within awareness and self honesty.

The same can be said of consistency – which I would define to be the actual practical application and participation of that which one is disciplined within. So if my 'discipline' is to allow my backchat and desires to control and direct me, then my consistency would be that of compromising myself and diminishing my self trust.

It is interesting here to look at 'consistency' because it can also relate to that which one 'consists' of – meaning that which one is 'made of' in terms of substance – one's 'consistency' can be see as a reflection/description of one's 'build' and 'design' in the same way that physical materials have a certain 'consistency' in terms of their qualities – the same is true here of the consistency that we build ourselves and create ourselves from – thus where one applies discipline is where one has consistency, and that consistency is the building blocks of who we are as our 'substance', what we 'consist of' as the self that we are creating.

Self Forgiveness on “Discipline”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the point of discipline by defining it through ideas, pictures, opinions, and experiences from my childhood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist discipline within believing that it is something that is difficult and something that I should be wary of within the fear of being made to do something that I do not agree with and do not see the benefit of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that which I do not see immediate results for, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously fear the future and project fears into possible futures which I end up walking into.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that which I do not immediately see and know all the answers to because I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself and remain here with myself no matter what.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist discipline within the fear that it might not work out and I will have wasted all of my time within disciplining myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from discipline within attaching the application of discipline to memories, experiences, and beliefs related to self doubt and wasting time, wherein I project failure before I have actually, fully applied myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live and apply the realization that self creation is a process of accumulation and within this, self must be consistent and disciplined without fearing the result because the fearing of not seeing the result is accumulating the fear of not seeing results, which creates that exact experience within my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear/resist discipline because I have held on to memories and ideas about myself having given up before on many things and not having had the discipline to keep on going no matter what, and fearing that this is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist discipline because I want a guarantee that I will succeed and when I do not see instant results or change, I become discouraged because I have not developed sufficient self trust and self value, and thus place value within 'success' as something outside of me to be attained once I have applied “discipline”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist discipline because it does not stimulate me within energy of 'instant gratification' and 'reward' which I have become addicted to and have defined myself by, wherein if I am not experiencing the stimulation of being rewarded with something, then I go into an energetic withdrawal and seek the next point of instant gratification to feed my addiction to energy instead of accumulating for myself a point of stability within discipline that is not based on polarity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear discipline because it I have defined myself as being unaccountable and unreliable and fear to face that point within myself due to accumulated shame and guilt, which are only mechanisms of my ego wanting to defend itself and not have to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the change of myself that will come with discipline.

I STOP. When I see/notice myself distracting myself and not applying myself within discipline for the points that I set for myself to participate in and accumulate for myself such as writing, studying, or pushing myself to correct and change a pattern within me, I will immediately live and apply the correction and complete the task that I set for myself instead of allowing myself to be further directed by and thus further accumulate backchat.

I realize and understand that when I am not disciplined and directing myself, I am allowing myself to be directed by preprogrammed stimulation and that such stimulation will only lead me to cycles of positive and negative while constantly diminishing myself as life as who I am, and within this my self trust diminishes because I am then living and reacting to experiences and memories and emotions and believing them to be me instead of actually taking responsibility for myself and changing and living for real.

I will not judge myself or participate in backchat of self diminishment or self doubt as I walk this point of discipline because I see and understand that this requires self trust and requires consistent application within time – and that I will have to face and walk through the times that I did not trust myself and stand up from where I am instead of judging myself and believing that I am 'failing' because I do not see instant results or instant change.

Thus discipline is not something that is a punishment that I must begrudgingly do while secretly not actually embracing the discipline as myself and waiting for the opportune moment to rebel and resist and find a 'way out' of having to 'do' the discipline as something separate from me.

Discipline is me, establishing myself, building a foundation upon which to further specify and refine the creation of me – thus I embrace discipline as a tool and method to structurally change me as the foundations I have previously accepted and replace that which did not support and serve me to be and become a being that stands eternal within self honesty and what is best for all, to be able to walk here one and equal and have no shame or guilt and share in the opportunity that is here as physical, as the potential of heaven on earth.

Self Forgiveness on “Consistency”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself within the belief that I am not aware of what I am doing and thus am not required to be responsible for my consistency, which is that which I 'consist' of, which is a result of the things that I consistently participate in and allow within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consistently participate in and allow backchat as self-doubt and self-judgment which has become part of the foundation upon which I have built my current character and 'consistent-cy'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within resisting discipline and consistent application of self correction, instead allow for myself to accumulate the consistency of diminishment and untrustworthiness wherein I do not take responsibility for my self accepted flaws and limitations and instead attempt to cope with and 'live with' such flaws and limitations, and to become nasty and spiteful to those in my world that stand to challenge and these foundations and support me and encourage me to change and let go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate the consistency of not caring about myself and thus not caring about others within the justification of “I do not deserve life so I do not care of others deserve it too because I don't have a stake in being here, so I do not have a stake in the responsibility that is here for all, one and equal”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate the consistency of not caring about those who stand to change themselves and this world within having participated and accumulated the point of 'giving up' on myself instead of realizing that I simply have not embraced myself as life and have not stood equal to the potential that is here to change self and stand up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate the consistency of finding excuses and deliberately distracting myself from facing myself and establishing myself within self trust and self honesty due to fearing my own past and fearing my own fear, which is fearing my own self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself within not understanding that I have created this fear within thoughts and beliefs and thus I do not require to ever fear because I am able to stop and delete these constructs within me, and live the realization that fear is not supportive and will never actually assist me and will only create that which I fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that consistency is key to self creation and that I am the manifested outcome and result of my consistency, and to deliberately not take responsibility for what I am consisting of within that perspective.

I stop. I take responsibility for myself within my consistent-cy because I see and realize that what I consistently accept and allow and participate in becomes the actual consistency of who and what I am and what my world will be as a result of that.

I will myself to be consistent in the points that will strengthen me within self trust and the resolve to do whatever it takes to stand within self honesty and to do at all times what is best for all.

I will myself to be aware of that which I am currently consisting of, in terms of that which I am currently consistently participating in, which will by accumulation define and specify the effectiveness and result of me as self creation because I realize and understand that my consistency is my foundation and if my foundation is lacking, then my self creation will not have proper support to be everything that I can be. 

Photo by Joana Ferreira
Edited by Marlen Vargas Del Razo

Desteni I Process

Money and Agreements

A few points opened up from an assignment I was doing within the Desteni I Process course - which I will share here.

Within walking an agreement with a partner one of the most challenging points for me thus far has been related to money and points of self-definition that are related to money. 

One evening me and my partner were on our way to a grocery store after a few rounds of bowling at a local bowling alley. After getting the groceries, my partner shared that she had some points in relation to me not saying “thank you”. The point was opened up further – and as the point was being discussed I allowed myself to take things personally instead of slowing down and realizing that she is simply sharing her back-chat and she is speaking out the point to support herself, and that none of what she is experiencing has anything to do with me even if it initially comes out as what I perceive to be blame or projection.

Within me I was having my own back chat within “What the fuck, she is blaming me – she is being righteous.” as well as going into an emotional reaction at that point due to unresolved issues within me that had been triggered in that moment. The issue was that she was experiencing herself as being taken advantage of and that I was not grateful for the point of her paying for things more than I do within our agreement, and within this I have points of guilt and issues of believing self to be inferior within self-judgment. In exploring this point further I realized that I have unresolved issues around money and that these must be cleared up.

Within me, I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I as the 'male' within a relationship, am expected to be the point of financial stability and support, and have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am not that point of financial stability or support, then I am not a 'man', and thus there is something 'wrong' with me that I should be ashamed of. 

There is also some baggage that was not resolved within the relationship I have had with 'money' in my life. So I see the point of correction here would be to redefine who I am in relation to money in my world and to forgive myself of any points that have been unresolved in terms of money in my life and allow myself to change and work through this point. 

It is vital that any points to do with money in terms of walking an agreement with a partner be cleared up and directed - as currently money is directly tied to survival and need - and when there exists anxiety and back-chat about money within the context of survival and need while walking in a partnership with another, the fears and anxieties related to not having money and therefore being vulnerable and exposed to the fear of not being able to survive or sustain self becomes a possessive entity that overrides clear communication and support - where one partner goes into fear of losing/wasting the money if they support the other, and the other fears not having the support where support is needed.

Self-Forgiveness on my ideas about money - 

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for working at a job that does not pay as well as my previous job, and to judge myself and participate in the thought of “I am not as worthy of a person now”.
2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within thoughts of anxiety and stress within not having money for myself.
3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within thoughts and stress in relation to having or not having money.
4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be measured and rated based on the amount of money I have made and have in my account.
5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and participate in anxiety when I do not have any cash in my wallet and the money in the bank cannot be withdrawn.
6. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take things personally when my partner shares herself and expresses her points within money.
7. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself participate in fear and mistrust of others when I do not have money.
8. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow money to become an entity instead of money simply being practical tool within what is currently here as the system that must be worked with for the moment.
9. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear money.
10. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I only 'deserve' to use money when it is money that I have earned myself
11. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that money should determine how I feel about myself.
12. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate having money with having security and thus when I experience myself not having money, I experience insecurity, which causes me to experience myself as unstable and uncertain.
13. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live the realization that money is simply a tool to be used within the current system and that the current design of money is not based on equality or common sense – thus to not take it personally if I do not have money at the moment and simply realize that I am still here – that I will do whatever is necessary to support myself for the moment until an equal money system is established in this world.
14. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear never having money again
15. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear and anxiety due to believing that my life is unstable and my survival is threatened within not having money.
16. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire money within believing that having money will make me feel better.
17. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire money within the starting point of wanting the ability to get what I want, when I want it.
18. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the feeling and energetic experience of being able to buy whatever I want, whenever I want.
19. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate buying something with the experience of 'feeling good', within the design of instant gratification associated with buying something.
20. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty within having participated within the thought of “I don't deserve this” when my partner pays for something on my behalf.
21. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as inferior and unworthy within walking my agreement with my partner but not being able to contribute equally in terms of finances.
22. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to script and limit myself within the self-belief of “I am not able to make more money”
23. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself from making more money and having a more stable income within self-doubt and fear of money.
24. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of “I don't have enough money” as a reason/justification to not apply myself and push myself within establishing myself and my point of self-support within the matrix.
25. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse/justification of “I don't have enough money” to garner sympathy and condolences from others as energy for me to feed on as limitation/abdication.
26. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent my mother and the debts that I have not paid back and have not been able to pay back, and within this create a separation and friction around money.
27. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist approaching my partner within borrowing money and working with money in practical ways that support our walking together.
28. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my partner resents me and does not want to walk with me and work with me financially until I get myself stable again.

I stop. Instead of going into points of inferiority or self judgment, or participating in fear or stress, I will support myself within living the practical realization that money does not control me, and that I will do whatever is necessary to be done to support myself. Instead of arguing or becoming resentful to/towards my partner, I push myself and apply myself to bring the points of frustration and judgment back to myself and stand within the commitment to not allow my mind to tell me how to experience myself within the point of money and walking with my partner when I do not have as much money to contribute.

I discussed the point further with my partner and we came to an understanding with each other – that the money is not to be given energy as value and that it is to be used practically within the context of what is here and not to be resentful of one another when it comes to spending the money. It is simply here to be used – and it does not matter who has more of it or who makes more income – we both contribute our time and effort to walk together effectively to become stable and effective beings who are able to take on this system and change the money system to one that does support all life.

At the moment we must function in a system that does not and was not meant to support life. The current system must generate abuse and exploitation – and it is not currently possible for all to have the same level of income or financial stability. Within this I see and understand that what I can do is simply breathe and apply myself moment to moment and to work with what is here. I allow myself to use the current system to the best of my ability within the principle and understanding that there is no support for life currently – thus I must support myself so that my partner is not taking on extra financial burdens that will lead to stress and conflict within our walking.

So at the moment we are both facing who we are within the point of money – and it is cool because I am pushing myself within the application of not feeding my reactions and emotions and clearing myself of such movements in me as we discuss these points – otherwise the discussion becomes an argument and we do not actually get to a point of mutual agreement or support.