A point opened up earlier today while I was having a chat with Lindsay. The point was related to money, and also the point of me not having 'enjoyed myself' within having money to do things like go to concerts, take trips, go to events, or having the ability to simply 'move' self within self-enjoyment and activities.
I have had an ingrained fear of money- specifically fear of 'not having enough money', which has been a prominent experience within my life, having defined myself as a person who 'never has enough money' and existing within and as that self-definition since my teenage years where the point became more prominent.
I have existed within the self-definition of 'I don't have enough money' also as a way to justify not pushing myself, not expanding myself, not being like 'others' who i saw in my world as being 'able to do things that they want' because they have money. having judged and accepted the idea within myself that i am not 'able' to do and have such things i used the point of money as a justification as to why i was not pushing myself to be able to have and do those things. instead of facing self and expanding self i had gone into the point of blaming money and fearing money.
over the years this has accumulated into a self-definition of 'i am a hard worker' and 'i earn my own money and do not rely on others' and also judging others who have money and use it for things that i had judged to be 'wasteful' and 'self-interest/consumerist' which was actually me resenting others for being able to have money to use to enjoy themselves and do the things i wanted to do, but did not allow myself to because of remaining within the self-definitions of 'i don't have enough money and i work hard for the money i have'.
self-honestly, this has been my way of 'coping' with self-limitation and allowing self to live within constant fear and uncertainty over money- which became a kind of 'comfort' because when i do not have enough money, i can get away with not having more responsibilities and not having to face myself within situations that are outside of my safe, routine, self-created bubble.
i see how i have limited myself within not taking on my education, not taking on more responsibilities at work, not allowing myself to get a car, not 'establishing' myself within the matrix, which all conveniently are justified within me 'not having enough money'.
thus this has been a 'core' method of defense for myself as ego/mind/pre-programmed enslavement, wherein i have made 'money' and 'work' a 'touchy' subject for me and have set up walls against it.
this point was opened up when Lindsay asked if I would like to attend some lectures that will be held in Portland. when she sent me the link i saw that the lectures covered very cool topics about sustainability, economics, food, energy, politics, etc and that i definitely wanted to attend, but immediately the point/thought came up of 'how much is this going to cost' and 'i don't think i can afford this'. i exposed to lindsay that i had this resistance come up and we talked about the points and i applied self-correction on fears based on money and also the point of not allowing self to enjoy self within attending events, going out and doing activities, spending money on things within self-expression, but i did not open up all of the points and was still having reactions and fears within self that i did not want to face and expose. Lindsay saw that i was 'sitting on a point' and pushed further and i exposed more, but still i did not open up all the way. i went into instant suppression and buried the points within myself, not wanting to expose my fears related to money, work, and my self-definition and comfort zone within being a 'worker'. i did not want to let go of my 'coping mechanism' of being a 'hard worker'. so when we spoke on the points and Lindsay asked if i was clear or whether i had any points still, i said that i was clear and that i was grateful for having the opportunity to walk through this with her.
so again this point of 'internalization' and wanting to take on points on my own and not exposing myself came to the surface and i did not direct myself within the moment and allowed myself to fall into a time-loop situation where i allowed a point to become suppressed.
on the way to work i noticed that i was not stable within self. i knew that i had fallen on something but was not clear with self and did not want to see that i had participated in deliberate deception in order to not face a point. at work i was very distracted- having many points of projection as well as pictures coming up within me which i was not stabilizing myself through by stopping and remaining here. thus it became clear that i had fucked myself and undermined my standing on the point of stopping my habit of internalizing and wanting to hold on to 'my own process' and not sharing my points, which undermines my trustability within the agreement. i saw that this is not a point i will accept or allow and that i must take responsibility and expose this point.
on the walk home from work, i spoke out loud for/as myself and got myself clear on the point and spoke self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements, and made it clear that i am no longer going to allow this to continue. having any points of not speaking self-honestly in every moment is not acceptable, and i have an opportunity with Lindsay to fully establish my self-honesty with another, thus completely unacceptable in any way whatsoever to speak within a point of defending my ego and not wanting to expose and let go of a point of limitation.
i established for myself the self-corrective action of immediately opening up all points, and when/if Lindsay asks if I am clear, to remain self-honest and say if there is a point or not. if the point has become suppressed and i do not have it within my consciousness but there is still energetic movement, i will express that. if there is a point but it has become suppressed and had become internalized, i express that. i 'out' myself always on all points so that i can let go of these limitations within myself and within all of existence. i remain self-honest always and will work with what is here in full exposure with Lindsay. i support myself by 'outing' the fact that i have a point that is not clear and needs to be worked on, and support myself and allow Lindsay to support me one and equal.
if there is a point, i say there is a point, and work it out from there instead of trying to 'hide' even though i know that there is no possibility of hiding anything within this agreement.
thus i stop this pattern here and now completely and support myself now and always to remain self-honest at all times. i walk this and i stand.
when i got home i called lindsay and woke her up lol. i told her that i had some points that i needed to discuss and we got on skype to chat. i exposed my point of having suppressed a point earlier today, and shared with her what was going on, correcting myself and exposing the entire point as well as establishing the application of if i have a point within self but it has become suppressed, it is 'okay' and i can simply share that i have a point that became suppressed, and Linday and I can then walk through the point from there or I can do self-writing or whatever it takes to clear the point- but to no longer accept in any way dishonesty of any kind and completely opening myself up within sharing. it is not acceptable to create time-loops when they are able to be prevented. i am committed to walk this agreement with Lindsay for the rest of my life - thus any and all time loops i must face, Lindsay must face with me. thus not acceptable to time-loop for two or even for one, for that matter.
to go back to the point of money-
i see that this has been an ingrained point and has been layered within myself over time, but this is NOT an excuse whatsoever to allow self to be directed within and as this limitation and i do NOT accept myself to allow for this point to continue. i take on and walk through all manifested consequence that must be faced in real-time for this point and i no longer re-create it within the mind. i will walk and adjust and correct this point now and always until it stops completely within self and within existence.
i stop existing within and as fear of money and fear of having to face myself within being in an environment where i have not 'planned for', am not 'prepared for', and do not have an established routine that i can follow. i stop existing within and as dependency on a 'routine', which is programming, which is NOT self-expression. i see and live the realization that i am entering a new situation and that i will be okay and not have to worry about survival and money and can experience myself in an 'unknown' frontier.
i let go of any and all fears of 'not knowing' because there is no such thing as actually 'knowing' what will happen. thus i stop existing within that delusion and allow self to experience self within vulnerability as well as self-trust in each moment, raw and 'unprepared'.
i relax NOW instead of waiting to 'relax' when i am physically in Portland with Lindsay.
i live NOW the embodiment of an equal money system instead of waiting for the day it 'happens'.
________ A VIDEO RESPONSE FROM LINDSAY ____________