Within this point of 'procrastination' that i am currently walking through, i have been applying myself within getting things done and not allowing myself to participate in justifications and excuses in order to not do something when in actual practical reality it is something that i can get done.
today, the point of me driving a car opened up - driving is a point where i require to assist myself and get effective at and is a point that i have allowed to compound for many years, and is a point upon which many other layers are attached - thus it is not just me learning how to drive effectively in a car - but me letting go of and reprogramming self within no longer having the definition of 'i don't drive' which i have been using for several years as a justification/excuse to not actually face myself within other points such as getting a more effective job, going to school, being more 'social', taking care of errands and chores effectively - all were 'put off' within the procrastination point and driving was the main 'default' excuse for me not getting those points done.
so today when i saw there was a possibility of driving a car for a bit in order to get myself back behind the wheel and get over my resistances, fears, and anxieties around driving - i initially did not want to do it and reasoned that i am not at a point yet where i feel comfortable driving - yet within this i realized the total and utter nonsense logic behind not wanting to do something in order to build experience and effectiveness because i'm not already effective lol. and also within the point of pushing through procrastination, i eventually got myself around to taking up the task.
it was arranged that i would drive the car for a little bit to get to the local laundromat from the house - and as i drove i realized that i was not fully HERE, in awareness of what was going on. i was not in actual and full control of the vehicle because i was not in actual and full control of self in that moment as i experienced myself 'sinking' within thoughts of having an accident, and a general and sudden fear of not knowing what i'm doing.
what i see is that over years of creating the idea of me and living as the idea of me not driving, i have created an entity/demon manifestation that currently has directive control of self - where i experience myself in a kind of 'unawareness', where i am observing but not actually here the participation - it is as though all of the nervousness, anxiety, fear, and tension comes up all at once and i am suddenly 'numb' from the perspective of not actually being self-aware of what my physical body is doing, not taking into consideration what is going on around me and the car, and rather existing in a state of fear/anxiety/nervousness where i am not assessing the situation from a point of clarity/stability.
after the experience i went into a moment of self-defeat and self-judgment wherein i judged myself for not being an effective driver and believing that there is something wrong with me - that i am a failure and a disappointment - within this making the point of driving larger than what it is in actual practical reality. i see that i did not want to again face that point of panic nervousness, anxiety, and demonic possession again - i did not want to experience that fear of being behind the wheel and not actually fully being here, believing that this is just the way it is and that i will not be able to get past this. so for a moment i existed within self-defeat and self-judgment, but saw that i require to continue moving myself and pushing myself within this correction - and to realize that there is nothing 'bad' or 'wrong' in how i handled myself in that particular situation of driving - that what is necessary is for me to adjust and integrate the necessary changes, and that i must do this physically, and to NEVER take it personally or judge myself - simply see the point where i was not effective, flag the point and make corrections, move on - and repeat this until it sticks.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not going to be able to drive effectively due to how much i have compounded fears, resistances, and anxiety around the point of driving
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i should be able to drive without any problems even though i have not had much experience with driving, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create tension, stress, and pressure within the accepted belief that there is something 'wrong' with me if i am not already driving effectively.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within experiencing panic, fear, nervousness, and anxiety within myself as i was driving, and making mistakes as well as going into a point of not being aware of which direction i required to go.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as 'stupid' for apparently not knowing how to get to the laundromat while driving when i have ridden my bicycle there several times and 'should know already' where the laundromat is
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being humble with the current stage i am at with driving and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and and allowed myself to judge myself as 'unworthy' and 'incompetent' because of not already having effective driving skills, and thus fearing/resisting others seeing me in this point of 'struggling' with driving.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within the thought/idea/belief of 'i am not a good driver and should not drive' as a justification/excuse to not apply myself and move myself effectively within the matrix
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility and trusting myself and accepting self within self-worth and self-value, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to intentionally avoid and resist driving and getting a car in order to not actually have to face the point of taking responsibility for myself
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am not going to be 'good enough', 'smart' enough, 'effective' enough, and fear that i am not able to trust myself or 'handle' things on my own if i take on the point of expanding myself within school, work, and generally becoming more established within the matrix, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to design myself as a being who does not drive and cannot drive effectively and thus should not be expected to take on these other practical points.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse and justification of me not driving, not being a good enough driver to be road worthy, not having enough money or knowledge to properly maintain and care for a car - in order to not have to face other points within myself that have also been compounding.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear rejection and fear making mistakes, and to have such a low sense of self-worth/self-value that i would sabotage and compromise myself and remain limited and fearful and to use the point of not driving as a justification to not have to face those points.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to associate driving with extra responsibility- and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the thought/belief of 'if i get a car and learn to drive effectively, then i would not have any more excuses for not taking on more points and i would then just be 'lazy'.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear/resist getting a car and applying myself to learn to drive it effectively because of not wanting to 'appear' or 'seem' lazy to others.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself and others within the point of me not driving as a 'valid' excuse for me to not participate in being accountable and responsible for more and remaining within my fear and limitation and resistance to being seen as 'weak' to others, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create a point of projected strength within not having a car and 'doing things the hard way'
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to portray myself as a 'victim' within this point of not driving and not having a car so that others who do have cars can be manipulated to support me, so that i do not actually have to admit that i am afraid of taking responsibility and afraid of making mistakes.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate self from unconditional self-acceptance and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to depend upon the acceptance and validation from others.
I will not accept or allow myself to believe that i am not able/capable of driving, within using this point of not driving to not face other points.
When i see/notice myself going into the point of not wanting to drive/fearing to learn how to drive/resisting learning to drive effectively/fearing to drive a car, i will STOP, and realize that it is not actually about driving the car - it is about me not wanting to take responsibility and wanting to continue to depend on others because i have not established self-trust.
Till here, no further - I will not accept or allow self to define self as a person who 'doesn't drive' in order to not have to move myself within this reality to expand self and take responsibility.