How I Stifled My Life with Anticipation and "What If"

How I Stifled My Life with Anticipation and "What If" 

Joe Kou

3/20/2012

At work I noticed a point that has become more prominent lately, wherein I experience fear and constriction and a kind of panic begins to rattle within me whenever one of my difficult cases goes well or I have a 'good week' and my cases get resolved one after another.

Within me I begin to experience the“What if” forms of backchat and fear and anticipation where I begin to ask myself those nagging “What if” questions that immediately place me into a position of projecting my current fears and anxieties into the future and then become paralyzed within fearing that I will actually manifest and have to face the very thingthat I am fearing.

Examples of this would be:

“What if my next round of difficult cases do not go through?”

“What if I fail a bunch of my cases next week?”

“What if I am not able to keep up this pace of work?”

“What if I never get this one difficult case resolved?” 

(Check out the exclusive interview "What If" for awesome insight and perspective on how we actually use this question to keep us repeating limiting patterns and how to support ourselves to stop) 

What will usually follow is I will begin to get more 'cautious' when working on my cases, and will end up spending more time on preparing for them even when I know there is nothing else I can prepare and that this act of 'preparing' is in fact me stalling for time and trying find a way to not have to face the anxiety and fear of the case not getting resolved. Within this anticipation I will actually lose self trust and become possessed by the backchat of “What if” and will begin to create pictures and thoughts of me failing the case and having to find other ways to get the issue resolved with often leads to the company losing money or leads to me having to pay for losses out of my wage.

So what happens? Of course eventually as the fear and anxiety builds I become more nervous and less confident in my own ability and begin to resonate this 'essence' as my very being and the self fulfilling prophecy of fear manifests – I end up messing up on an aspect of the case I am working on or I get the timing or my execution wrong or I give off the wrong impression or tonality when making my case and trying to negotiate a resolution and end up complicating the case or outright having it get rejected. Or, I will get myself so anxious about the case that I will keep postponing it or pushing it further back toward the end of my schedules and as I do this the problems of that case compound and become harder to negotiate and work with because often these cases are time sensitive and some customers are already impatient and demanding a resolution immediately. All of this due to the participation of fear and the “what if”.

So firstly, self-forgiveness on participating in the “What if” and allowing this system of fear to direct and influence my work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ask within myself as backchat “What if” questions that lead me to self-doubt and anxiety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, before I begin a to work on a case, think about the cases that I have completed so far and compare them with the cases I have failed and within this to go into a point of doubt and reaction within me if my performance has not been as good as before, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly judge myself and compare myself to the past as 'results' based on whether I 'win' or 'lose' a case instead of being here and simply doing what is necessary to be done in THIS MOMENT.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and hold a grudge against myself for cases that I have not been able to resolve or cases that I have had to drag out and cases that I have failed and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I am not getting these cases done instead of taking into consideration the complexity and nature of the cases I am handling and looking at each case practically instead of personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I fail a case, I am thus a 'failure' and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotionally influenced by my own reactions and judgments instead of realizing that I am the only one judging myself and that rejection and failure are a part of my job which I must be able to handle and not take personally, because it really isn't personal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure and fear making mistakes and fear not getting one of my cases resolved and instead of realizing that this fear is self created based on memories of the past and fear of loss, to have allowed myself to doubt myself and judge myself and be critical of myself which only adds to the difficulty of getting my work done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my self-value upon the number of cases I am successful at instead of seeing and realizing that I am my own point of self value and that anything 'outside' and separate of myself that I am depending on as part of my self definition is only going to lead to polarity and conflict because I am not in fact accepting me but seeking something outside of me that can never infact fulfill that which I am not allowing myself to give to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated and angry and moody when I have a case go 'bad' or when I am not getting my work done in the time that I would like instead of realizing that I am experiencing the 'loss' of my self definition and that I am in those moments possessed by an emotional reaction and am projecting it outwards into my environment instead of realizing that I am the one who is creatingthe conflict within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate and push off the cases where there are elements that make the case difficult and raise the chances that I may not succeed the first few rounds, wherein I 'wait' until I 'feel better' or wait until there is somebody else that I think would be 'better' at the case than I am and then make them responsible for it instead of directing the case myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate fear with not having a case be resolved or successful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others are going to judge me or speak negatively about me if I am not always successful at my cases when I am only projecting my own backchat and self-talk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally and be hard on myself when I am not able to get a case resolved and the company ends up losing money instead of realizing that nothing of our current system is based on actual honor or dignity and that everyone is 'losing' moneyby allowing the current system to continue. Thus I do not take it personally that sometimes the system does not 'work' the way we are told it is supposed to because the system in fact does not support what is best for all and 'loss' is part of the equation of the current debt system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself when I must pay for messed up cases out of my own money and feed the fear and anxiety that I experience wherein I worry about losing and having to make do with less money.

I am NOT a “WHAT IF” question. I am here. Thus when I see/notice myself participating in the what if and experience the sensation of constriction and tightness and the 'rattling' of fear within the center of me, I will stop and assist myself by breathing and letting go of what I am thinking about and worrying about, and realize that even if I mess up on a case it is not anything good or bad and nothing to take personally – I am operating within the system and must do what I do to make a living and 'who I am' is not defined by and as my job or my job performance – 'who I am' is what I accept and allow within and as me.

Thus, when I see/notice myself asking 'what if' within my backchat or postponing cases or trying to 'wait' for a better time to do them I will stop and give myself a moment to breathe and realize that this is not in any way personal and that I simply require to do my job one task and one case at a time and that any worry, fear, or anxiety within me is not going to assist me in getting my work done any sooner and will only increase the chances that I will end up manifesting the fear.

So as I work I will work each case effectively and if I am not successful I will not allow myself to take it personally or beat myself up or blame myself, and will simply adjust and do the next step that is required to be done. And when I am successful at a difficult case or a series of cases I will not take it personally or give myself an ego boost because I realize it is simply a task to be done in order for me to make money and survive in the system and that there is nothing to get excited about.

In looking at this specific point of where I go into panic and anticipation of failure and self-doom within the “What If” fear system, I realize that this issue, like any other issue, has deeper roots than just what is on the surface. So while I do have some points with work and stress that effect my performance and contributes to the “what if” fear, this particular system of fear originated within me many years ago into my childhood and has been growing/developing along with “me” - becoming a part of me as my personality and thus becoming a part of the “who I am”.

So now the question is what is this fear? Where did it come from and how did it allow it to become part of my life through these years?

My most prominent memory of this “What if” and the fear that drives it:

Within my life I have experienced a consistent pattern of things 'suddenly not working out', where in the beginning of moving to a new environment or having to adjust to changes within my world there is a period of getting used to the new changes and a period of 'discomfort' but after that I begin to grow accustomed to the change. What happens here is that I would have to first adjust to losing any self-definitions that I had attached to my previous situation and then develop new personalities and associations through which to define myself by and be able to generate energy for and as the mind – this is of course before realizing that we are able to support ourselves to remain HERE as who we are in each moment regardless of where we are or who we are with or what we must do. 

So for many years of my life this pattern would play out where I would adjust to a new situation and have to face the pain and resistance of being 'forced' to let go of old connections, and I imprinted within myself a 'dread' of things suddenly changing or things not working out because then I would have to face again the point of my 'world' collapsing. So whenever things were going 'smoothly' or things begin to 'settle' or when I would see that I am in a different setting and my old programming/identity/personality would no longer fit or be supported, I would experience the panic and the constriction because “What if I actually allow myself to change and adapt to this new setting but then everything changes and I have to start over again?”, and once that “What if...” question is asked I begin to compound the point of anticipation where each day the point grows of anticipating that things just won't work out and that if I fully invest myself into this point it will end up backfiring and I will end up losingeverything and having to start over again.

So the trigger is whenever I am becoming settled or established in a point – whether it is a project or moving to a new place, or starting a new job, or settling down with a new partner – the anticipation within me builds and I "lose" myself in the self-doubt of “What if I am not in the right place? What if thisall turns to shit? What if I made a huge mistake and now I'm stuck here?” - all of this stemming from childhood experiences of instability and having to 'cope' with sudden changes and losses and having to redefine self many times and not quite being able to 'fit-in' or be comfortable due to constantly anticipating the next 'big change'.

Redefining Words - “Anticipate”

The key word that I would like to look at here is 'anticipate'

an-tic-i-pate (verb)

1. Regard as probable; expect or predict.
2. Guess or be aware of (what will happen) and take action in order to be prepared.

In my life I have often participated in the anticipation of what may come 'next' because I was afraid of having to lose everything, having to start all over, having to lose all of my friends and need to make new ones, having to let go of my current relationships in which I have established 'myself' and have to created/establish new ones, and fearing that I will never 'catch up' with others because of me always shifting and moving and not actually becoming established in a field of study or interest or a career.

Thus I tried to 'anticipate' what might happen and try to prepare myself as best I could and always be 'on the lookout' for the next turn in the road or next 'surprise' so that I can try to outmaneuver or outmatch anything that might threaten my 'stability' – but in this I did not consider that there is no way to actually plan for every contingency and that by focusing on what 'might happen' and trying to prepare myself for the unseen is only going to feed the idea that I will eventually be caught 'off guard' and will have to lose everything and 'start over' – and did not consider that it has been so easy for me to 'lose everything' because I have spent so much of my time trying to find 'stability' and trying to dodge the next hurdle that I never actually allowed myself to fully develop myself and trust that whatever comes, I will continue. 

Through the years of participating in anticipation I missed out on practical participation such as focusing on my education and training and developing my relationships and networks – thus I was in fact creating the instability that I had been trying to run from – because I find myself too anxious and stressed or too nervous to actually focus on the jobs that I would have, or to allow myself the time and space to do my studies effectively, and would not allow myself to fully invest in and participate in relationships in my world out of fear that it would 'not work' in the 'end' – as though I could already see the end before even allowing myself to really go for something and allow myself to really develop something from the beginning and not allowing myself to give up so easily and disregarding the time and application it takes to really make something work in this reality.

Thus I see that anticipation is actually an anti-participation – where the more I tried to anticipate the future or anticipate what might be possible, I was disregarding my actual, practical participation in my world – I was disregarding my actual daily living and was not focusing on the tasks at hand because I was too worried about the 'future', projecting my current instability into my future reality instead of correcting myself HERE and PARTICIPATING.

Thus instead of anti-participating my own life and my own future, I see and realize that my 'future' is in my own hands and that fearing and trying to avoid the 'future' is really me fearing and trying to avoid me, because I create me in every moment and by doubting my ability to create stability and an effective living for myself in the future I am saying that I doubt myself here and now.

When I see and notice myself anti-participating and postponing or hesitating or allowing myself to fear making new relationships or commitments or taking on a task or project I will stop and see that by anti-participating I am only going to re-create my pattern of disappointment and having to 'lose it all' – which I have had QUITE ENOUGH OF. Thus when an opportunity is here within my world I will simply consider it and move myself within what is best for all and will not allow myself to anti-participate. I will instead PARTICIPATE and allow myself to make 'mistakes' and learn and realize that if I keep giving up and doubting myself and trying to find 'stability' outside of me, I will never actually develop anything worthwhile or lasting in this reality, which is based on consistency of accumulation and participation, where I am part of the PARTY of life instead of being a constant drifter, floating on the waves of the Anti-Party-Sea and PARTITION myself in isolation.

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Getting behind the wheel and facing demonic possession

Within this point of 'procrastination' that i am currently walking through, i have been applying myself within getting things done and not allowing myself to participate in justifications and excuses in order to not do something when in actual practical reality it is something that i can get done.

today, the point of me driving a car opened up - driving is a point where i require to assist myself and get effective at and is a point that i have allowed to compound for many years, and is a point upon which many other layers are attached - thus it is not just me learning how to drive effectively in a car - but me letting go of and reprogramming self within no longer having the definition of 'i don't drive' which i have been using for several years as a justification/excuse to not actually face myself within other points such as getting a more effective job, going to school, being more 'social', taking care of errands and chores effectively - all were 'put off' within the procrastination point and driving was the main 'default' excuse for me not getting those points done.

so today when i saw there was a possibility of driving a car for a bit in order to get myself back behind the wheel and get over my resistances, fears, and anxieties around driving - i initially did not want to do it and reasoned that i am not at a point yet where i feel comfortable driving - yet within this i realized the total and utter nonsense logic behind not wanting to do something in order to build experience and effectiveness because i'm not already effective lol. and also within the point of pushing through procrastination, i eventually got myself around to taking up the task.

it was arranged that i would drive the car for a little bit to get to the local laundromat from the house - and as i drove i realized that i was not fully HERE, in awareness of what was going on. i was not in actual and full control of the vehicle because i was not in actual and full control of self in that moment as i experienced myself 'sinking' within thoughts of having an accident, and a general and sudden fear of not knowing what i'm doing.

what i see is that over years of creating the idea of me and living as the idea of me not driving, i have created an entity/demon manifestation that currently has directive control of self - where i experience myself in a kind of 'unawareness', where i am observing but not actually here the participation - it is as though all of the nervousness, anxiety, fear, and tension comes up all at once and i am suddenly 'numb' from the perspective of not actually being self-aware of what my physical body is doing, not taking into consideration what is going on around me and the car, and rather existing in a state of fear/anxiety/nervousness where i am not assessing the situation from a point of clarity/stability.

after the experience i went into a moment of self-defeat and self-judgment wherein i judged myself for not being an effective driver and believing that there is something wrong with me - that i am a failure and a disappointment - within this making the point of driving larger than what it is in actual practical reality. i see that i did not want to again face that point of panic nervousness, anxiety, and demonic possession again - i did not want to experience that fear of being behind the wheel and not actually fully being here, believing that this is just the way it is and that i will not be able to get past this. so for a moment i existed within self-defeat and self-judgment, but saw that i require to continue moving myself and pushing myself within this correction - and to realize that there is nothing 'bad' or 'wrong' in how i handled myself in that particular situation of driving - that what is necessary is for me to adjust and integrate the necessary changes, and that i must do this physically, and to NEVER take it personally or judge myself - simply see the point where i was not effective, flag the point and make corrections, move on - and repeat this until it sticks.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not going to be able to drive effectively due to how much i have compounded fears, resistances, and anxiety around the point of driving

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i should be able to drive without any problems even though i have not had much experience with driving, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create tension, stress, and pressure within the accepted belief that there is something 'wrong' with me if i am not already driving effectively.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within experiencing panic, fear, nervousness, and anxiety within myself as i was driving, and making mistakes as well as going into a point of not being aware of which direction i required to go.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as 'stupid' for apparently not knowing how to get to the laundromat while driving when i have ridden my bicycle there several times and 'should know already' where the laundromat is

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being humble with the current stage i am at with driving and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and and allowed myself to judge myself as 'unworthy' and 'incompetent' because of not already having effective driving skills, and thus fearing/resisting others seeing me in this point of 'struggling' with driving.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within the thought/idea/belief of 'i am not a good driver and should not drive' as a justification/excuse to not apply myself and move myself effectively within the matrix

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility and trusting myself and accepting self within self-worth and self-value, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to intentionally avoid and resist driving and getting a car in order to not actually have to face the point of taking responsibility for myself

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am not going to be 'good enough', 'smart' enough, 'effective' enough, and fear that i am not able to trust myself or 'handle' things on my own if i take on the point of expanding myself within school, work, and generally becoming more established within the matrix, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to design myself as a being who does not drive and cannot drive effectively and thus should not be expected to take on these other practical points.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse and justification of me not driving, not being a good enough driver to be road worthy, not having enough money or knowledge to properly maintain and care for a car - in order to not have to face other points within myself that have also been compounding.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear rejection and fear making mistakes, and to have such a low sense of self-worth/self-value that i would sabotage and compromise myself and remain limited and fearful and to use the point of not driving as a justification to not have to face those points.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to associate driving with extra responsibility- and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the thought/belief of 'if i get a car and learn to drive effectively, then i would not have any more excuses for not taking on more points and i would then just be 'lazy'.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear/resist getting a car and applying myself to learn to drive it effectively because of not wanting to 'appear' or 'seem' lazy to others.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself and others within the point of me not driving as a 'valid' excuse for me to not participate in being accountable and responsible for more and remaining within my fear and limitation and resistance to being seen as 'weak' to others, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create a point of projected strength within not having a car and 'doing things the hard way'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to portray myself as a 'victim' within this point of not driving and not having a car so that others who do have cars can be manipulated to support me, so that i do not actually have to admit that i am afraid of taking responsibility and afraid of making mistakes.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate self from unconditional self-acceptance and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to depend upon the acceptance and validation from others.

I stop.

I will not accept or allow myself to believe that i am not able/capable of driving, within using this point of not driving to not face other points.

When i see/notice myself going into the point of not wanting to drive/fearing to learn how to drive/resisting learning to drive effectively/fearing to drive a car, i will STOP, and realize that it is not actually about driving the car - it is about me not wanting to take responsibility and wanting to continue to depend on others because i have not established self-trust.

Till here, no further - I will not accept or allow self to define self as a person who 'doesn't drive' in order to not have to move myself within this reality to expand self and take responsibility.

Clearing the Fear - Investigating and Correcting Points of Fearing to Change

After reading Andrea's blog post on moving through resistances while blogging/vlogging, i saw how i have not been as effective as i can be within my blogging and self writing.

i see that as i have taken on this point of blogging daily (nightly), i have seen a pattern emerge wherein i meet up with a lot of resistance within writing - often physically falling asleep and typing gibberish on the keyboard and having to 'force' myself to remain HERE - and only writing out a few coherent paragraphs without actually directing or supporting myself through the point. Doing my writing during the morning is definitely more practical and support for me, and i will continue to push myself to write earlier instead of waiting until later in the evening - however i must still support myself through the resistances and blockages so that i am actually moving myself within self-change.

what i see here is that i have been facing some suppressed points lately - and compounded self definitions are now 'coming up' to the 'surface' - and there is definitely resistance blogging/vlogging - because in self-honesty i fear changing - i fear actually having to lose my comfort zone. i fear having to actually let it all go and walk into the 'unknown', letting go of what i have defined myself as within my ego/personality design which i have depended on for 'survival' within this matrix world - thus there is a resistance in the form of wanting to 'hold on' to my self-definitions within having accepted such definitions as self.

it was suggested to write down the points that i have been working with for the last few months and note the points where i have not changed or actually lived self-correction - and investigate what it is that i am holding on to - taking into consideration where i am currently and what it is that i am still holding on to - what are the points of self-definition, memories, experiences i am not at this moment willing to let go of completely? where in my world now am i relying on my 'old' self in order to get by?

Here I compile a list of points that i have been working on and have not made progress with. I will be taking these points one at a time to write out the specific resistances/fears as well as what i am holding on to as a survival mechanism before moving on to the next point.

The first point i will take on within this application is the point of procrastination -

Procrastination - I continuously allow myself to be distracted within my mind, and allow myself to put things off instead of dealing with things directly. I am still allowing self to wait until it is late into the evening before getting things done, or postponing certain chores or errands due to participating in thoughts wherein i am projecting myself doing the task and creating resistances, fears, anxiety over what requires doing - which is a tactic that my personality design uses to not actually deal with or take on a point in my actual reality and then blame it on not having enough 'time' or not being prepared.

The trigger/entry for this is when i begin to think about the things i require to get done - and within this start to conceptualize and internalize the doing, and allowing self to get lost in the internalization of the point instead of addressing the point in the physical. This is a coping mechanism wherein i allow myself to justify and remain within my self-limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not able to get things done in a practical manner.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am 'a failure' and within this, i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to disregard who and what i am here.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fall for the mind's tactic of using memories and events/experiences out of context and creating new thoughts and pictures which i then react to and allow self to be influenced by.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to rush through the points that require doing because of procrastination.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as procrastination in order to cope with fear, anxiety, and nervousness which stem from thoughts i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate as a means to not actually change and remain within the comfort zone built up by my ego/personality

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear actually taking responsibility for all aspects of my life.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to depend on 'rushing' through what i have to get done in order to not actually face my own fear of doing something wrong, messing up, or looking foolish - which is actually more likely to happen if/when i rush.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to put things off until the last moment so that i can distract myself within the 'deadline' and stress and tension in order to not face my own points.

I will continue with further investigation on this point and follow up with self correction.

_____________________________________________________________________

Other points that i have mapped out for myself are below, which i will work through one at a time.

Driving
School/Study
Self-Doubt/Self-Limitation
Defensiveness/Reaction to Points being called out
Suppressing points/internalizing
Nervousness/Anxiety
Establishing myself within the matrix - getting a job that supports me effectively

on 'insecurity' and working as a canvasser for the democratic party

Insecurity is something that i have existed within and as for most of my life - existing within the self-belief that i am 'inadequate' and 'not good enough' - which are the excuses and justifications i would use to justify and explain how/why i am not responsible for changing myself - within this i am able to blame my childhood, blame society, blame my family, blame anything and anyone in order to not actually have to push myself and be the directive principle, and within this i am then able to remain safe in the comfort zone and continue my existence of limitation wherein i constantly and continuously find ways to abdicate myself and limit myself.

the way this has played out is i will see a situation where i have not pushed myself or expanded myself effectively, and will create a fear/resistance toward that point, making that point bigger than myself and allowing self to believe that self is inferior and 'incapable' of standing within that point - so in essence already giving up and accepting 'failure'. then when the point is here in my actual reality to deal with, i draw upon my previous assessment of myself and continue to allow the justification/excuses and the self-definition of inferiority to determine who i am - and within this compounding the point of 'i am not good enough' and 'i have faced this before and i kept failing, so this time i will only fail again' - which is a very vicious cycle to exist within - as it compounds the insecurity and fear more and more each time i do not push myself through the point.

the fascinating thing is that the point is NEVER as hard or difficult as my mind portrays it to be - and i see that when i support myself with self-writing, self-forgiveness, and making the decision within and as self to change and stop a pattern, i am able to face the point within a state of relaxedness - knowing that i have not yet fully accumulated the self-directive will to stop a pattern completely, but i am moving myself within correcting myself - and realizing that i am NOT my mind - that the self-definitions of me as ego/mind/consciousness are not in fact real - and that change is not only possible but inevitable within consistency and dedication - not allowing self to fear the fears that i have accepted in the past - and to push self to EMBRACE the fear, stand as the fear, and release the fear - and to not look back.

what i have been doing is being aware of self when i am participating in the pattern of fear/anxiety/nervousness/insecurity - and allowing self to EMBRACE what is going on within me and breathe, slow myself down, and stop participating in the thoughts that have triggered/activated the experience of fear/anxiety/nervousness within self, and to face the point even if i am not fully 'clear' in that moment. to push myself to participate even though i am still nervous and have points of resistance - within realizing that the nervousness and anxiety will not just disappear overnight from writing and self-forgiveness alone - that i must actually move myself in the physical to prove that i am not in fact anymore allowing the fear/anxiety to control/direct self.

what i am realizing as well is the importance of NOT JUDGING SELF as well as not reacting to my own reactions such as disappointment, shame, guilt, self-judgment, self-doubt, etc... as those devices will only further compound the point that i am working through - and will create more layers for me to have to walk through. so it is an application of humbleness, self-forgiveness, patience, breathing through the resistances, and not defining myself through the past, not limiting myself within the times where i 'fell' and did not transcend a point - to see that this is a process and to simply keep moving.

as for the point of insecurity, it is currently still an 'active' point where i am catching myself participating in projecting into the future and creating stress and anxiety over 'failing' or not being able to do something good enough - specifically at the moment i am having some fears around getting a job and being able to hold on to the job - having previously defined myself as a 'worker' and now experiencing myself as 'unemployed' there has been a point of wanting to return to the comfort/stability within the self-definition of 'worker' - which is simply another form of enslavement wherein i am limiting self and existing within a personality/ego manifestation of 'worker'.

within this there is also the aspect of fearing not having an income of my own - fearing that once my current savings runs out, i will 'suffer' and within this fearing not having money which i have accociated with support, stability, and 'safety'.

so here i support myself within self-forgiveness on the point of 'insecurity' within getting a job and getting an income as well as my points of anxiety/separation within possibly working for the democratic party

On 'insecurity'-

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am 'insecure', and that 'insecurity' is something that happens 'to' me.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as 'insecure'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within thoughts of 'failure' and self-judgment and self-doubt within believing that i am not 'worthy' or 'effective' enough to be able to support myself.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear failures and mistakes, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is not acceptable to make mistakes or to not be perfect in all things that i take on right away.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to project into the future within my thoughts and believing that i will not be 'able' to take on the responsibilities and expectations that come with working as a canvasser within a campaign office when in fact i have not yet even begun to work and have no actual idea of what 'it will take' to do this job well.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself up to impossible and impractical standards and then judge myself for not being that standard - within this allowing the continuance of addiction to mental/emotional energy which is generated within self-judgment

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the experience and energy within self-judgment and 'giving up'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my fear of making mistakes is real

i stop and realize that my fear of making mistakes is simply an energy addiction wherein i am constantly generating and resonating the point of 'insecurity' and self-limitation, thus constantly creating and experiencing such events - and within this not realizing that i am looping myself and diminishing myself with each cycle.

when and if i see/notice myself participating in the point of fearing to make a mistake, fearing being seen making a mistake, fearing that i am not 'good enough' to do something effectively, i stop, breathe, and realize the simple common sense practicality of no human being was EVER simply just 'perfect' and effective at what they do - that all have to face an initial point of making mistakes and making adjustments, and that it is ridiculous to expect self to be perfect at something that self has not practiced or trained or become equal to.


on income -

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having an income to support myself with and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having an income with which i am able to experience security, stability, and self-worth

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self-worth and self-value in each moment, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define my worth through my ability to purchase my comforts and entertainment with money.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i will not enjoy/value self if i do not have an income or money

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having money, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept the belief that the idea of money is 'real'.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within thoughts of wanting money in order to feel more secure and acceptable within society

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am not as capable of surviving if i do not have a steady job and stable income.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough money to support myself

i stop. i am in a situation where i am being supported and i do not need to fear for survival within having money. i am in a situation where i have time and can apply myself within other things and do not need to stress over whether or not my next paycheck can cover my living expenses. within this i am responsible for getting a job, getting an income, and supporting myself just as before, but i do not need to participate within fear and anxiety if i do not find work right away.

i am not in a situation where my survival is in any real danger.

on the points related to the possible job with the democratic party -

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within thoughts of 'i am not good enough' and 'i am not able to pull this off' when considering the point of working for the Democratic Party

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is 'special' to work for the democratic party

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate experiencing myself as diminished if i do not get the job with the democratic party

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that working for the democratic party will in and of itself make me a better/stronger/more effective person within politics

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to place value within getting a job with the democratic party, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts of what i could do/have/gain access to within working for the democratic party

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to 'prove' myself within getting the job at the democratic party

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am a 'failure' if i do not get the job

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if i do not get the job then it means that i am unacceptable and something is 'wrong' with me.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seek validation and acceptance within getting the job.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within energy and thoughts of 'it would be so cool to infiltrate the democratic party and work my way up to a point of influence'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire working my way up through the democratic party as a point of self-validation, wherein i project self-worth and self-value upon being successful within the job and 'moving up'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have the job from a starting-point of wanting validation within being an 'infiltrator' within a political party

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire participating in the intrigue and sense of 'specialness' within me working for a political party

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my 'way in' to the political arena depends on me doing this one particular job - within this not realizing that i am limiting myself and participating in a desire/belief instead of actually moving myself in each moment to accumulate what is in fact best for all and what will be the best/most effective placement of myself and my skills within the context of all.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i must be a politician and enter politics as my way to stand for what is best for all - as though by just being a 'politician' i will have 'proven' myself when in fact i am only participating in my own self-interest/desire.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create a sense of specialness within working as a canvasser and possibly moving up to be a field manager - and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create an expectation that this job will 'open doors' for me.

i stop. this job is simply a job, and i will make of it what i make of it as i walk. i stop participating in anticipation, expectation, and and desire within the point of possibly working for the democratic party as a canvasser/field manager.

The accumulation effect

I have been noticing far less severe anxiety and nervousness since first opening up the point and supporting myself with writing - though i see that i have not done self-forgiveness on the points that have come up in relation to my design of anxiety/nervousness as well as stress.

What i am seeing is the accumulation effect - within taking on this point of nervousness and anxiety, and pushing myself to face myself in those instances and to no longer feed or participate in the energy surrounding that design of self, i am noticing faster 'recovery' from the anxiety and stress as well as beginning to establish myself more and more. though it is at the moment still a slight improvement, i see that within applying myself consistently i am able to change - i am able to stabilize and support myself to stop this pattern for good.

i notice that the onset, or 'trigger' for the anxiety happens when i am about to do something or go somewhere to a place i had never been, and i begin to internalize thoughts, fears, opinions, and projections - going into my mind and not breathing - not being HERE. within this i would try to 'push through' the fear and resistances, but will already have activated my 'defense systems' and gotten possessed by the point. at that stage i will have to face the charges that i had built by physically participating in my reality - and that's okay from the starting point of rebuilding my foundation and seeing that I AM STILL HERE - and thus there was no need to participate in the system design of worry, anxiety, stress because i am in fact STILL HERE and the experience itself, as always, was not what my mind made it out to be.

Important here is to realize that accumulation goes hand in hand with consistency - that i must constantly and continuously apply myself, push myself, support myself in order to actually change and stand. without consistency, i am accumulating self-defeat and self-limitation.

Keep on Letting Go!

Recently I have been seeing the point of letting go and not taking things personally - to not accept anything that is of mind and limitation, and to push myself to participate within the world and not allow self to stagnate within and as thoughts, feelings, emotions, pictures, etc., and realizing that i am NOT my perceived limitations/fears.

As points come up, I see that it is effective to simply get to the practical correction - which in some instances is as simple as becoming aware of a certain point, taking note and flagging it, and then relaxing and letting it go. Other times it requires writing/self forgiveness, and sometimes it requires specific direction - but in all cases it is NOT necessary to judge myself to try to figure out 'why' i have such points - simply realize that the point is not who i am in fact, and that it is simply a patterned play-out based on what i have accepted and allowed within self. there is no need to explain myself to come up with a good reason for 'why' such a point exists within me, as that would only serve to feed the mind with more energy - more thoughts and opinions and knowledge/information that is not actually pertinent or relevant to what is here in the moment. The correction is simply HERE, in this moment.

This is not to say that self-investigation and getting to the actual root of these system play-outs should be avoided - it all comes down to starting-point. If one is attempting to 'figure out' what is the 'right' thing to do, or trying to get to some 'solution' from within the mind, or trying to 'diagnose' self from a starting point of separation/reaction, it is simply going to feed the mind further and compound the point. Yet one is able to, when stable and not in a point of reaction/energy, investigate the point and apply the necessary self-forgiveness and self-corrective-application.

What i have been noticing is that as i continue to push myself within the application of 'letting go' and pushing myself to 'drop it' whenever a reaction/emotion comes up within me, the points become less of a problem and i am able to move through them with much greater ease than before, where i would immediately try to 'figure it out' from within and as the mind - forgetting the simplicity of what is HERE.

So i continue this application of not taking anything personally, and living the realization that i am NOT my limitations/fears/anxieties and any reaction from other people are their own reactions and has nothing to actually do with me personally - which is cool because within this realization i stop manipulating myself and accepting the opinions/reactions of others and stick to self-honesty.

It is NOT too much to ask, to birth myself and remove all that I have been.

Who am I within my process?

Since my decision to push on the point of moving myself and establishing self trust in each moment- and to establish a general stance/foundation for myself as i walk this process- there has been an overall experience of both stability and conflict lol

the stability is experienced as a realization and integration within myself that all that i face, all that is in my world, is ME, and that all that i am judging or reacting to is MYSELF. thus no matter what happens i am facing myself and if i am facing myself then i am able to use self forgiveness and self corrective application to direct all that is in my world in each moment. the conflict is the realization that all in my world is ME and that indeed i am responsible for ALL of it and must be diligent and disciplined within my application so that i am not allowing myself to participate within excuses and justifications to not actually change myself in the physical.

the point of the physical has also been something i am pushing lately- bringing things to 'the physical' instead of constantly being in my mind trying to figure things out, run simulations within my mind of how things might play out, wanting to plan for every contingency and wanting to know ahead of time what to expect so that i am not actually having to venture 'off the map' and have to actually face who and what i am without my comfort zone and without my programmed self definitions.

at the moment i am working on SLOWING DOWN- and within this i am applying myself within common sense and practicality within walking a disciplined commitment to myself to birth myself as the physical- meaning to not use 'slowing down' as an excuse to not face myself and push myself through my resistances and fears- it is to slow myself down in order to allow myself to walk in specificity and detail within one point at a time so that i am able to be certain and meticulous in a practical way that ensures that i am removing my constructs and self definitions. i am slowing down so that i am able to work faster- i am being gentle so that i can be more brutal withing my application. i am bringing myself fully here within and as breath whenever i notice myself going off into energy and trying to 'rush' and 'catch up' and trying to multi-task several things at once within the desire to be able to be rid of my limitations and patterns and self definitions in an instant without having to actually walk in detail and specificity each point from it's inception to it's conclusion.

of great assistance was Sunette's recent video "Dropping the SS's out of Stress and Rest" wherein she gives great assistance on the point of stress and how we are prone to speed up and cause physical strain when we are under stress, and also points out the practicality of slowing down in order to give ourselves the opportunity to be here and not tax ourselves unnecessarily.

Another of Sunette's videos from desteni productions was particularly assisting for me as well within this application and it is aptly named "Noooo...... it's too much!" lol

Who I am within my process is becoming more dedicated, more stable. There is an affirmation within myself that I will walk this no matter what- that I am currently a systematic being who is bound by self definitions and mind constructs, but this is a temporary condition until I release myself from these constructs or until I am dead. Within pushing the point of Self Acceptance and embracing myself as who and what i currently am within the understanding and commitment to self that i shall move and direct myself to release myself from my current self definitions and limitations, there is far less conflict and judgment within myself- where i am simply here doing what is here to be done as i walk my application of removing my limitations one by one- realizing that i have a difficult and lengthy process ahead of me, but secure and satisfied that i shall do whatever it takes and that i will not give up on myself.

there has been within me the pattern of wanting to have everything done, or to constantly seek to have guarantees that all will be perfect before allowing myself to commit to anything. often i have used the excuse of 'it won't turn out the right way' in order to not actually even give myself a chance. i see this is a system that serves the purpose of keeping me within my self definitions and limitations instead of me pushing through absolutely to the point of self will.

many points have been revealed within myself in the past few days as i commit myself to sharing myself, my process, and walking without judgment and exposing all parts of myself with Lindsay within the application of our agreement. the degree of support and assistance for myself has been amazing- the foundation of support that i give to myself within my participation with Lindsay has been very effective within establishing for myself where i stand in my process. i see that in committing to walk process to the utmost with another as an equal is a statement and outflow of me having made the commitment to walk my process to the utmost with myself. herein, the support and assistance that i have with Lindsay is the support and assistance i have with myself.

i see how i have in the past defined myself within the self definition of 'not being able to handle my process' and believing that i will not 'make it' in the disciplined walk to self perfection and removing these limitations of the mind consciousness system and my structural resonance- but i see now within self honesty that those perceptions of limitations are indeed only my own perceptions. it is up to me whether i make those perceptions real or not- whether i will give in to them or not.

yes, i have many many points that have not been removed or completely cleared up. yes i am a systematic and programmed system being that is not yet living within self direction and self will in each moment. yes, i have a difficult and challenging process ahead of me that will require that i expose all of myself and let go of everything i have known and within this i shall have to step into the absolute unknown armed with nothing but self forgiveness. but within all of this there is now a sense of balance and stability that was not present before. within the physical act of committing myself to move and direct myself and placing myself exactly where i have resistances and fears- and seeing that i remain and am able to push through- i have in a way cemented and confirmed for myself my own standing within my process- that i will not give up even though i have points where i feel like i want to- and ESPECIALLY when i feel like i want to stop and give in and go back to the matrix- it is to realize that these experiences of resistance and discomfort and being on that brink of wanting to give in and give up is exactly the point where i must be and stand- because it is only there at the very edge of myself that i am able to see where my programming and limitation ends and life actually begins.

so i shall walk and breathe and face my resistances- and within this i shall not run or hide or deny the points that exist within me- the points that i have separated myself from and require to walk through- and within this i do not and will not go into energetic thoughts or reactions of 'this is too much' or 'i cannot deal with all of this', and simply to start working one point at a time, to unravel and untangle and sort out the jungle within me not by pulling and tugging and wrestling with each and every point that i see and getting myself caught up in the mess of trying to sort it all out at once, but to allow myself to slow down and be diligent with one point at a time- to completely sort myself out and stand within the realization that this is a process that will take the rest of my life- and in each moment i must walk this dedication- and never look back or want it to be done 'faster' than what i am able to practically do in each moment. and within this, there is certainty that i WILL get through my points as long as i continue to move, push, direct myself in each moment.