11-30-09

Clearing the day- 11/30/09

i woke up before the alarm, but wanted to keep sleeping and stay in bed. i did not want to get out of the safety and comfort and the feeling of private solitude while underneath the covers and resting on a pillow. i did not want to face the day. i did not want to actually wake up and have to move myself around and get things done. i did not want to take responsibility for myself. i just wanted to slip away into my dreams, where i was "free".

i got up out of bed... brushed my teeth, got my work clothes ready and loaded up my pockets with my wallet and work supplies... and proceeded to go back into bed to rest for the remainder of the time i had left before i needed to get out the door and go to work. i allowed myself to slip back, for a moment, into that state of careless freedom... in which i was not expected to have to be responsible for myself.

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i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to hide within my dreams instead of face and walk through who am really am in life.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to escape from who and what i have accepted and allowed HERE in reality and within that, to not want to take responsibility for what is here and what is going on inside me within my mind.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to abdicate myself over to alternate realities in which i am not accountable for what i do or what i accept within myself.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to be absolved from my responsibilities in life.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am able to hide from reality within escaping into dreams and fantasies.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not able to face myself HERE and direct myself practically to do what needs to be done.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within not trusting myself and within that, to want to escape from all situations in which i must be responsible for myself and direct myself and be accountable for all consequences of my actions or inaction.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to indulge within the construct of self doubt and fear and to want to hide from myself and the world i create around me.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to enjoy myself within dreams as an escape from reality and having to do necessary things like work and hygiene.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is alright to not face myself and just indulge in dreams and fantasies.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to cloister and shelter myself from responsibility and personal self direction and within this to want to hide within entertainment, distractions, illusions, relationships, opinions, fantasies, dreaming, and alternate realities created within my secret mind.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing up and taking direction for myself because i have for so long allowed myself to be directed by my fears and constructs of limitation and self doubt.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe and live AS the belief that i am not able to practically direct myself within this world and that i must always suffer and be "a step behind" all others.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as "stupid" and "untrustworthy" and "incompetent" and "unworthy of LIFE" because i have participated within constructs of self limitation, dishonesty, deception, manipulation of others, and abuse toward self.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i must punish myself and not actually allow myself to forgive myself unconditionally and to trust myself and LIVE as that forgiveness.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to use the excuse of "i don't trust myself and i will fuck things up" to hide from the fact that i have no choice but to face myself and that i am only backing myself into a corner within thinking that i am able to escape my truth.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be self honest and be my own directive principal because that would involve having to actually live the change and correct the limitations i have existed as and defined myself as, which i am afraid to do because of self doubt and self judgement.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to doubt that i am able to live as my self honesty and to STOP forever the constructs which i have allowed to limit myself and others.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to live within my private bubble of comfort and dwell within my fantasies and dreams instead of actually facing what i've allowed myself to become and live as in REALITY.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within wanting to just give up and enjoy my programmed existence in self interest.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i AM the limitations which i participate in within my mind.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want others to take responsibility for me and take care of me and see to it that i am cared for.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from stability and self trust.

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walked to work. was in the mind through most of the walk with only intermittent moments of being in the breath.

at work i am a different person. i am 'on the clock' and i behave differently. i do not allow myself to express myself as i would like to... because there are certain rules and standards i am to abide by so that i can remain employed and earn an income.

A black man and woman came into the store and i greeted them with "hi, how's it going today?"

the man seemed to have been put on the defensive and responded "i'm just looking... just browsing around for some gifts". i took the tone of his voice as implying that he did not want my help or attention... and perhaps did not want to be in the store.

later, made a security page over the PA system of our store and announced "Security scan zone 6 please... security, please scan zone 6" (which i must do every hour). a customer shortly after asked me for a product. i was pretty sure that we did not carry what she asked for, but decided to go and check the sales floor for it just in case.

the black man and woman were browsing some items in the area where i was checking for the requested product. he said "i'm just here because it's the holidays man. i won't come back here again" in a tone which struck me as having been offended.

at first i was puzzled because i did not know why he would say what he said. then i realized that he had assumed the "security page" (which is fake and done every hour to discourage shoplifters) was specifically referring to him, and because i was in the vicinity of him with a headset radio and seeming to be looking intent (but was looking for a product), made the connection that i was there to stop him from shoplifting or doing something suspicious.

when i realized that he had made this mental assumption, i became apologetic. i explained to him that i was not there to threaten him or that we had assumed he was suspicious. i explained that it was just a store policy that a page be made regardless of what customers are in the store. he seemed to accept the explanation after a moment. i continued my search and did not find the product in the store.

later, i realized that within being apologetic i was actually confirming and validating the constructs within that customer who became offended. i could have simply stated the facts without going through the "trouble" of assuring him that he was not being hassled by the store "security", which i at the time represented to him.

Still waters run deep

Opening myself up... it's an easy thing to do alone. Though it becomes immeasurably more difficult when another person is involved.

To actually FACE the truth of who you are. To actually FACE what you've allowed yourself to become... in full vulnerability with another person... now THAT takes some will.

I dared myself to open up... to absolutely honestly face the truth of me with another person... in which I open up totally my deceptions... my games... my secrets... my outright manipulations... down to the very thoughts.

I've never done this before. Not ever. Not like this.

To what extent do I continue to hide myself within my supposed "safety" of secrets and deceptions? What kind of a life is that? Why can I not stand ALWAYS as honesty?

It has been a while since I had a good "hurt" on. Right now it's hurting a bit. But it is not a "woe is me, life is hard, pity pity me me me" hurting. This is the kind of hurt that runs deep... runs to the very core of you. This is the kind of hurt that surfaces when you've excavated far too deeply into the truth of you, and you end up unearthing things you thought you could keep buried forever.

It is different now though... as most things have become rather different for me. The hurting is not a misery... it is an indication... a signal... that I've done exactly as I should if I am to be honest with myself totally. It is a sign that I have indeed stood up to challenge myself.

After totally exposing myself... down to the very thoughts I was having about the person... totally opened up in vulnerability to that person... there was a release I've never known before... but afterward... when the conversation ended and I continued with my "life"... the hurt came.

I found myself attached... I found myself needing to open up again... and I needed... desperately needed to speak to this person again. But within this was the fuckup. I had created something "special" in my mind around this person. I was drawn to that special experience. I had tasted a moment of actually LIVING my process of self honesty... and here I find myself unable to do that with other people in my life... people who "know" me and have pre-existing beliefs about who I am and how I should be.

Still waters run deep.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a "safe haven" with another person to whom I exclusively am able to be totally vulnerable and honest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "miss" the experience of talking to this specialized person, whom I've attributed a greater value to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that want, need, and desire a special relationship in which I can hide from all others.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted or allowed myself to be my own point of stability within self direction and self honesty.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to experience and participate within the construct of "missing" somebody that I have decided to make special.

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Why am I the Fucker of existence?

Because the fortunate few rest insulated while the masses must huddle to ward the biting cold of unforgiving winter. And I would have it no other way, for I do not huddle amongst the masses, nor am I without insulation from the elements of seasons.

Because the stomachs of entire nations shall fall ill or perish from want of sustenance while the favored few dine upon delicacies. And I would have it no other way, for I am not ill from malnutrition, nor have I been remiss in my indulgences.

Because countless lives are ended by violence and destruction in the name of maintaining the order of things, and I would have it no other way, for I am very much alive and safe from danger, and may enjoy an order of things favorable to me.

Because the natural resources of this planet are exploited, plundered, or rendered defective by self interest while those who must depend on the equilibrium and balance of their environment and resources are left with nothing. And I for one would have it no other way, for I am able to enjoy my existence through the toil and sacrifice of others, even at the cost of planetary stability.

Full Circle

Self Recording for Self Assistance- Part 3 - In public

Boy oh boy... lots of buttons got pushed with this one. Pretty cool experience, having to walk with a camera pointed straight out in my face. I also had to speak up so that the camera picked up my voice properly, so I couldn't just talk under my breath.

There were definitely moments of "Oh my fucking god, what the hell am I doing? People must think I'm a nut" going on in my head... which was very cool to push through.

More on this to come.

An eventful day

Yeah... I'm one of "those".

The Roof! The Roof! The Roof is on FIRE !!!

The house is NOT on fire.

That is the realization that I am beginning to experience.

I have allowed myself to grow so accustomed to things being "out of my control" that I often automatically assume that the worst is going to happen and that all of my fears will manifest and suffocate me.

When faced with difficulty, or even the looming possibility of difficulty, I automatically allow my programming to shut me down and accept failure. Automatically, I begin creating mental scenarios of me failing, and then go into fear about those scenarios playing out in real life.

When any sort of challenge arises, I behave as though I am trapped inside a burning house... that any struggle or attempt to free myself would be futile... that my "fate" is sealed and that only doom and demise await me. I mentally fan the flames of my own destruction... which of course then plays out in REAL life. Only it is not a house fire that caused my suffering... it was my acceptance that the fires burning within my mind were real.

I have created many such burning houses within my mind... one for each and every time I faced a challenge or some difficulty. I have survived each and every such "fire" unscathed. Regardless of what demise I have portrayed within my mind.. I remain HERE.