In the previous few blogs I have been pushing myself to write out and share the insights and realization that I have had from a particular event – and while I have been the type to “zone out” when I see a long blog and not really want to read it because my mind is already busy with other distractions – I would recommend for those who would be reading this particular series of blogs I am writing to have a look at the previous posts because I am telling a specific story and the context is quite important and the way I have been writing is more in line with telling the “story” as it unfolds – and currently is still unfolding.
There have been many times within my process thus far where I would reach a certain crescendo of realization – and there would be an initial burst of motivation and excitement where I would be really “into” the realization that I would busily begin implementing – and what is fascinating is that each time I did this I would do it within a point of “feeling good” about it – like “Ok, now I am REALLY going to change. I am REALLY doing it this time.” - but after a short while things would begin to taper off and I would no longer be as motivated – and eventually the same habit or pattern that I was living before would return either in the same way, or it would just change/evolve and I would eventually “come to terms” with the idea and belief that I just wasn’t strong enough “this time” to follow through – and that there must be other things in my life that I must attend to and other things that must be “sorted out” before I have the time, the strength, the will to really see this through no matter what.
One of the points that has developed within me is seeing the importance of MOVING MYSELF and not allowing myself to remain in my mind where my mind is able to come up with all manner of thoughts and reactions and memories and experiences that are completely irrelevant to my actual reality and have absolutely nothing to contribute to in terms of me taking responsibility for the life that I am living or the relationships that I am responsible for shaping, let alone the consequences that are now being faced by all forms of life who are here in this world – and in the past few days as I was realizing the extent of my separation from my actual reality and my ability to slow down and CONSIDER the consequences of my words and my actions from a more “existential” perspective that was not just about my own fears and insecurities and desires – and what this process is really about.
Tonight – as I got home from work after a longer than usual day in which I also experienced more than the usual amount of thoughts, backchats, emotions, reactions, and various points of stress that have become “common” – I realized that I was more often “wandering” off in my mind from one point of distraction to another as I was setting in for my evening of writing – and eventually I experienced a point of just not wanting to write at all tonight – just wanting to “take it easy” and slip back into my old habits of mulling over my day in my mind and going into more energetic experiences and entertaining myself with a movie or a tv show and sort of “giving up” and “resigning” myself to my fate so to speak – which is a very specific personality/pattern that I have allowed myself to participate in and feed for quite some time.
But tonight the difference is that unlike the other times – tonight I was armed with an awareness and a “presence” that I had discovered a few days back – and since I had been writing myself out and applying more specific self-forgiveness and allowing myself to stand within the “Eye of the Storm” and releasing myself from the accumulated energies that had been shaken loose my the recent and sudden event in my life that caught me “off guard” – I began to realize that my ability to stand in the “Eye of the Storm” – while it seems so small and insignificant – is actually a key not only for me to be able to sit and write out my internal conflicts and be stable within it – but it is also a point that I am able to utilize when I face physical resistances or the urge to regress into previous patterns.
Tonight – I realized that I had been more “charged” than usual and that throughout my day I had been more in my mind than I had been with my awareness and self-stability – and here I allowed myself to simply slow down and see that the more I allow energy within my mind – the more I allow myself to slip into my “routine” and the more I allow my behavior and day to day living to become automated – the more “leverage” my own mind will seem to have over me – and though this realization seems simplistic and even “too basic” to the mind to seem important – in slowing myself down I again brought myself back to the “Eye of the Storm” – and gently, observed and allowed this experience of “resistance” within myself and realized that it consisted of the same energy – the same “pattern” and behavior that I would usually not question – had much less of an effect on me so long as I moved myself within myself to that same point in the “Eye of the Storm”.
Now this is fascinating because here I am seeing that it DOES NOT MATTER how much of a resistance one is facing in relation to a point – it does not matter how “hard” or “difficult” or even “impossible” something may be – all of it is just part of that storm and can only move us if we do not stand in that point of the “Eye of the Storm” – in that one singular point where all and everything that we can throw at ourselves from within our minds – all of the thoughts and emotions and experiences and energies and memories – all of it is fleeting and has no permanence UNLESS we decide to go for the ride and lose ourselves in the edges of the storm that can so easily accumulate in one’s day and one’s living.
So what am I saying here to myself as I share this? I am saying that all of the excuses, all of the justifications, all of the bullshit that I did not want to talk about or share with others because I was too afraid of what they would think – all of the regrets and sorrows that I have held on to because I thought they would somehow make me a “better person” or would somehow allow me to hold on to something or be able to “fix” something that is already done and in the past… all of the thoughts that come up in my days when I am not standing in my awareness – all of that is just a passing wind within the storm and NONE of it can move me when I stand in the “Eye of the Storm” – thus from here I am not only responsible for every word and every thought I allow myself to participate in – but I also have a responsibility to myself – because I DO see now how this functions and I understand that this implies I have never actually been ALIVE – that I have never actually CARED – that I have never actually been EQUAL with the world that is here and the consequences that have come about in my years of drifting in the storm of my own mind – and that something that seems so miniscule as a tiny “dot” within a raging storm can be one’s greatest strength as long as one is willing to see it – be aware of it – and allow it to come through in one’s own stability – further implies that everything we have deemed “impossible” in this world – everything we have said could “never be done” – is a lie.
The external world as we know it now is the reflection and consequence of the multitude of “storms” – collections of thoughts and energies and opinions that generate the illusion of being “alive” or apparently “going somewhere” – and it can and should look very imposing when we are still allowing ourselves to be caught in the winds – at the edges – afraid to stand in the very center of the storm and unwilling to admit that we are the source of it – but just as I had discovered that the little “spark” within me that stands no matter how big the storm within me may be, and how eventually the storm subsides and has no more energy when I remain standing in that center – it is just as possible that we as humanity – as this existence – can put an END to all of this pointless misery and we can stop allowing ourselves to be tossed around the storms we are creating if we but dare to seek the simplest, smallest thing and be willing enough to humble ourselves, let go of ourselves, stop taking things so personally, forgive ourselves, and let this storm drift by so that we can be ALIVE for real and for the first time see who we each really are – equal sparks of life that seemed so small in the storm that we may as well have believed we were completely alone – but at the end when the storm clears – we remain that spark that never once gave up and never once flinched or judged or feared.
In the posts to follow I will expand yet further on this point – as there are many dimensions to this – and I am very much enjoying what I am sharing because this is a real-time unfolding of myself. I understand these last few posts were longer than usual for my blog but those who have stayed with these words thank you for walking and witnessing this story with me as I tell it – that it may stir within you that spark of life that I am learning to write and see things from.