Love is NOT the "Answer"

When I look at the word “love” and how I have defined myself in relation to it, it is fascinating the memories and experiences that are associated with the word “love” and how much I have allowed myself to be shaped and influenced by that word.

The 'idea' that is sold in relation to love as I had understood it back when I was a child was that it is when you 'care about' somebody or something and that this is a 'special' experience between only you and whatever it is that you love, and that you are not 'complete' unless you love and are loved back by somebody – thus we are all on a journey to find this 'love' that will apparently make us better, make us whole, and will suddenly, magically, transform our lives and make us happy.

This of course comes from my earliest exposure to the idea of “love” which came first from my family, who would tell me that they 'love me' and then taught me to say the words 'I love you' back to them – though at the time I had no actual idea or conception of what these words even meant. At that age the words were simply words and for some reason the adults gave me positive reactions when I would say those words, and as if by magic those very words would trigger something in the adults and they would express themselves toward me in a way as though I gave them something that made them happy – even though it was the adults who would first teach me and then ask (sometimes demand) that I say it to them – so it was quite strange to simply accept this idea that saying these words meant so much and apparently had the power to affect the mood of the adults – though of course at that age I was vulnerable and trusted the adults and went along with the programming and never questioned it.

What is fascinating in looking at this is that throughout my life this point of 'love' would never actually be questioned to put to a practical test – it would always remain a truism that was taken for granted – that people apparently experience this thing called 'love' and that people who 'love' somebody apparently care for and tend to their 'loved one', but will only do this for the ones that they 'love' – so if a person does not 'love' you, they do not care about you and will not assist or support you. Thus “love is the answer” became yet another truism – because if people who love each other apparently care for and support each other, then obviously if everybody loved everybody then we would all care for and support each other and the world would not be such a messed up place. But if love is so obviously the 'answer' then why have we, for thousands of years, not done this already? Why have we failed to simply love each other and care for each other? Why have we NOT lived the message of Jesus when he said "Love thy neighbor as thy self"?

So then as I grew older this truism simply remained a part of my accepted view of this world and this reality – that apparently love is some powerful force and that if we simply love each other we will solve all of our problems – a point that was all too often confirmed and reiterated incessantly by movies, tv shows, children's stories, music, all the way down to the very social constructs of the society and family that I grew up in – always was the image of the lovers triumphing over evil – or those who do great and courageous things and find great strength because they love something. Though none of this really 'stuck' with me for very long – I would experience it as just a fleeting rush of energy and excitement as I would root for the heroes or the lovers of whatever movie or story I was allowing myself to be enterTRAINed by – but the energy would wear off and I would be back in the 'mundane' life where apparently there just wasn't enough love going around in the world and thus the world was often such a boring, confusing, complicated place.

It was only later as I entered my teen years that I would associate the images of 'lovers' and the idea of 'love' with pictures of men and women who come together and apparently 'fall in love' – which I associated with my budding interest in sex. And the more I associated those pictures of lovers and falling in love and kissing and embracing and living happy lives together – the more I associated my growing desire to experience and experiment with sex – because of course one needs to find a 'lover' in order to have sex – and thus the 'love' became a requirement – and thus began my initiation into the quest to find 'love' and relationships – so that I can experience the kissing, the touching, and the sex – oh yes, the sex that I had fantasized about and fixated upon through the various images and pictures on tv, magazines, movies, and stories that I would hear.

Suddenly 'love' became more valid – suddenly I 'got' why people would go to such lengths for 'love' – because really, deep down inside, I knew that 'love' would lead to sex – and all the butterflies and tingly warm feelings that were associated with 'love' were really, in self-honesty, about the desire to experience and have sex – which was apparently 'bad' and 'wrong' unless of course you are in 'love' and have a relationship with another so that you can generate those feelings of 'love' and thus care for and support one another – so that you can each ensure that you have access to sex – but of course I did not admit or confess this to anyone else – it remained my own 'secret' throughout the years of my life where I actually convinced myself to a large degree that the 'sex' wasn't important and that it was about the feelings of 'love' that I would experience whenever I found a potential sex partner – which is fascinating because I have never actually 'loved' somebody that I did not greatly want to have sex with – which should have been a clear indication of the self-manipulation I was participating in – but did not at that time have the self-honesty to see, nor did I want to.

Then began the many phases where I would try to change myself and 'better' myself for my partners because I was 'in love' and was afraid to lose that love and thus would compromise myself and lie to myself as well as to my partner all for the name of 'love' and keeping that 'love' going – generating those butterflies and warm tingly feelings so that I would have access to intimacy and sex, and whenever the sex would stop, the 'love' would stop, and I would suddenly 'fall out of love' with that partner.

So the whole concept and idea of 'love' is quite ridiculous. If love were the answer to the problems here on earth they why do we not love each other? Why can we not simply decide out of common sense to love each other and thus care for and support each other which is what we claim 'love' is about? Why can 'love' not actually be sustained and always peters out when the energy is gone or when the sex is no longer as exciting (or as frequent)?

If love is actually about caring for and supporting another person then why is it exclusive to only one person? Isn't it obvious that unless this world and this reality is equally cared for and supported, NOBODY is actually safe or cared for because there will always exist the inequality and abuse that undermines any illusion of safety, stability, or care that a person might experience at the expense of those we are excluded?

How can anyone say that they actually “love” somebody and say they actually care about the well being of another if they do not see or address the problems in this world? Thus this 'love' is a self-imposed illusion where the person believing themselves to be 'in love' or to be a 'lover' of something encloses themselves into their own private reality where apparently all that matters is their experience of love, and as long as they experience their private little love bubble, then surely the rest of the world – the rest of this entire reality – is of no concern – the rest of reality will simply need to find 'love' and all will be right. And when this 'love' experience comes to an end, no 'lover' has ever come forth in self-honesty to say to the world “Forgive me. I have neglected all of you and I have placed more value in my own desires for love and my experience of love than the actual, REAL needs of this world and this reality, and in my blindness I disregarded life.” - no, we do not see that point of self-honesty – instead we see “there's plenty of other fish in the sea”, “you just haven't found the right one”, “there is a soul-mate for everybody”, “don't worry – you will find the courage to love again”.

Thus I commit myself to stop participating in the fraud that 'love' has become in this world and this reality and expose it for the illusion that it is as well as the atrocities committed and allowed in it's name.

Self-Forgiveness on “Love”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and consider that the idea of “love” is an illusion that is engrained into us as children firstly by our parents, who themselves were likewise engrained by those who came before them, and that the idea of 'love' has been a 'cover' to justify suffering and abuse on a world-wide scale by those who claim that 'love is the answer'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that “love” is some external force that is apparently able to set things right and establish a better world simply by participating in the idea of 'loving someone' as generating thoughts and pictures and energetic experiences about another person and becoming possessed by those thoughts and pictures and thus creating a separate and private reality in which one experiences this 'love' while nothing practical or real has been done in centuries of time to in fact establish a better world for all, where all are loved and cared for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek and search for 'love' as though I require to experience the energetic feelings and experiences that come from 'being in love' as though such experiences come from something outside of myself, and within this to NOT see that I am simply manipulating myself and creating within myself the energies and experiences which I am separating myself from and allowing myself to become addicted to and thus go searching for it and being willing to compromise myself for it when all the while I am simply generating and feeding the desire to experience love and care and sex which I have not allowed myself to stand one and equal to within my own self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have listened to and allowed myself to be influenced and shaped by the advice and stories and impulsing from my family, from society, and especially from the media in which the idea of love is incessantly being pushed because 'love' has become something people have been trained to accept and want and need and thus 'love' is extremely profitable because people are willing to compromise themselves and do just about anything to experience 'love'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I was in relationships that were really in self-honesty only based on my desire to have sex, convince myself as well as attempt to convince my partners that I was in love and that I 'loved' them yet when the sex stopped being frequent or exciting enough, the 'love' experience would also stop, but I was not self-honest with myself and did not honor myself or my partner in revealing that the 'love' was not actually ever real to begin with, and to then set out on my search for my next 'love' so that I can once again experience sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT slow down and see within self-honesty the self-manipulation that I allowed within the experience of 'falling in love' and searching for love with another, and thus to allow another being to 'fall' for the same trap of 'falling in love'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that famiLIES actually love one another when the reality of this world shows that famiLIES manipulated one another and do not in fact support each other within what is best for all but rather only sees to the self-interest of the 'family unit' and any professed 'love' that parents have for their children is used to control and condition the child into a slave for 'love', or is used as a manipulation tool for the parent to experience 'love' and 'appreciation' from their children because the parent has separated themselves from self-love and self-appreciation and will thus be willing to compromise the child in order to experience 'love' and 'appreciation'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that “love” was ever real or in any way a practical solution for this world when it is clear that unless all are equally cared for and supported in the best way possible, any idea of 'love' that claims to value or care for life is immediately invalidated by the plain fact that this world is NOT a reflection of the idea of 'love', but rather of separation and abuse.

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see or notice myself thinking or considering entering a relationship with another being based on a 'feeling' of sexual attraction or the idea of 'love' and that I may potentially be 'loved' by this being and thus cared for and supported, I immediately stop. I do not allow myself to participate and do not condone the illusion of 'love' as an energetic experience because I see and realize that it will only lead to self-compromise as well as the compromise of any being whom I allow myself to enter a relationship with from that starting point.

When and as I see or notice a being in my world advocating the idea of love as a solution I stand and do not allow myself to be influenced by those words and wherever possible I support the being to see and understand how that concept and idea of love is NOT in fact practical or self-honest and is responsible for mass atrocity in this world. I slow myself down and ensure that I do not speak from judgment or from a reaction as I expose this point and where I see I myself am not clear, I do not speak and I clear myself first and investigate where I am still holding onto the idea of 'love'.

When and as I see/notice the various advertisements and subliminal impulsing of the idea of 'love' whether it is in print, on a screen, in music, or in conversation with others, I flag the point and do not simply allow such impulsing to exist within me. I stop and see the impulsing for what it is and do not allow myself to be influenced or enticed by it because I see and realize it's impracticality and lack of self-honesty and that there exist entire industries created upon feeding and compounding within people the idea of 'love' because 'love' is extremely profitable and easy to market.

When and as I see/notice myself react to moments or impulses of 'love' as portrayed within the media I stop and I clear myself in that moment and realize that the portrayal of that moment has no actual basis in reality and again is a product for consumerism and consumption and cannot be trusted. I stop and do not allow myself to go into fear or resistance in facing that point nor do I allow myself to be influenced or manipulated by it.

When and as I see/notice myself speaking the word “love” either verbally or within myself in my own backchat, I stop and do not allow myself to continue with such statements. If I have said it out loud to another in conversation I correct myself and do not express the word 'love' in the context in which it currently exists in the world and ensure that I use the word in the actual practical context of the word, showing how it is currently not an equal and one expression of who we really are and what it is able to be if lived practically.

When and as I experience myself as being 'confronted' by beings in my world who are advocating or defending 'love' or when I experience myself being impulsed with the idea of 'love' through media, I stop and ensure that I do not go into reaction and antagonism to try and 'fight' the point or attempt to force my own perspective upon others and rather stand within and as the point of self-honesty and assess whether I am able to practically address the point through practical examples, understanding that those who will hear, will hear and those who cannot will face what they require to face until they are able to see for themselves, but in this I commit myself to stand and be, wherever possible, to the best of my ability, the practical living example of how to transform the idea and illusion of 'love' into a statement of actual care and actual practical support for LIFE.

When and as I see and notice a point of 'love' being used as a manipulation tactic by members of my family or those whom I may share a more intimate relationship/partnership with, I stop and do not allow 'love' to in any way be a factor of the relationship that is used to bargain or manipulate a situation.

Redefining the Word “Love” - How I Have Lived This Word

Throughout my life I have often used and lived the word love in the context of projecting an energetic feeling towards another person, where I would say “I love you” when really it was not the other persona that I loved or actually cared for, but rather how I would be able to experience myself and validate the character that I was projecting when that person was around – so I would say “I love you” and I would convince myself that I actually “loved' this person when really I was just infatuated with the energy and positively charged emotions that I would experience with that being.

Another way that I have lived and used this word love is to refer to some externalized and invisible 'force' like it is often portrayed in movies, where 'love' apparently conquers 'evil', or referring to anything 'good' as being 'of love' or 'of the energy of love'.

Defining the Word - “Love”

Dictionary Definitions -

1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

3. sexual passion or desire.

4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?

Wordplay - “Love”

I experience an interesting sensation when saying the word 'love' within myself – where if I slow down and really pronounce the word out, the word sounds more like 'loooove', where the 'o' in the word becomes stressed and the tone drops – like there is a sudden weight and pressure wherease the “L” and the “ve” part of the word are more stable in sound – not low and not high. This is fascinating because it is often how I have experienced love – where for a while things are just stable – and then 'love' as the experience for a moment produces a 'high' but then crashes into a 'low', and often the 'low' sticks around longer than the initial 'high' and then when the negative polarity of love is done, it returns back to 'normal' again.

Current/Mainstream Application of “Love”

We can see in the dictionary definitions of “love” how the experience is based on feelings, emotions, and 'personal experiences' that are projected upon another individual. What is not considered is that this “love” is never in fact an actual “love” of or for somebody else in fact, but rather is a relationship that is formed within one's own mind based upon a picture or idea about another person.

This kind of “love” is the manifestation and expression of self-separation, where self has gone seeking and searching for that which self has separated self from, which is what creates the 'relationship' because that relationship can only exist in separation and the experience of 'being loved' and 'being fulfilled' is coming from that relationship.

Thus we can 'love' people, events, colors, foods, and we can even 'love' ideas and believes and memories – all of it functions in the same basic principle of self existing in separation from whatever it is that is being 'loved' and thus forming a relationship to it within one's own mind and internal reality

Polarity Charges within the word “Love”

Positive/Good -

1. Feeling loved by somebody
2. Being “in love” with somebody
3. Believing that 'love' is a force that protects and nourishes that exist outside of ourselves
4. Loving other people by being kind or being positive
5. People demonstrating “love' by being kind and positive and caring about/for me.
6. Hearing another say “I love you” to me

Negative/Bad -

1. Feeling unloved by others, thus 'alone'.
2. Falling “out of love”
3. Losing a relationship in which I believed I was 'in love'

Redefining the Word “Love”

Love as an actual expression has not ever been truly lived in this world. Any expression of 'love' that is not an action of absolute care and consideration for all as one as equal is not the actual and practical, REAL expression of 'love' but only a relationship within one's mind in relation to something or someone else.

To actually and in fact care for another is to not accept or allow within the other anything that is less than who and what we are as LIFE, understanding that LIFE is one and equal – that what we accept within and as ourselves, we accept within and as all of existence – and thus if we only 'love' or assist/support specific persons and ignore others because we do not 'love' them, then we are not in fact living the practical expression/application of not allowing anything that is less than who we actually are, because we are NOT seeing or honoring the oneness and equality that we are.

To actually live and make real the word “LOVE” is to in fact intervene and do whatever is necessary to ensure that ALL LIFE is cared for and honored.

Thus love of self is to ensure that self does not accept or allow anything that compromises who we are, that self will do whatever it takes to intervene and ensure that self is living the greatest possible expression of self within what is best for all.

And likewise any love of another is where self steps in and intervenes and provides the necessary assistance no matter what to ensure that all life is able to self-realize and to not allow anything less than who we really are, in the understanding of oneness and equality where anything that we accept and allow within another, we accept and allow within ourselves – thus anything that we see another participating in that diminishes who they are, we are one and equal allowing ourselves to be diminished by.

New Definition of the Word “Love”

Thus to love is to intervene and ensure that 'love' is not a relationship in the mind, but an actual and practical application of doing whatever it takes for self and for anyone to be supported in the best way possible - to in fact, in the most practical and effective ways possible, do for ourselves and each other what we would like to receive.

Joe and Lindsay's Agreement Definitions

Joe and Lindsay’s Agreement

We commit to walk together, sharing ourselves unconditionally within the principle of equality and oneness, and thus assist and support each other - as ourselves - in complete and total self-honesty - not allowing anything less than who we are as Life - thus, we walk all points of separation, within absolute self-correction - until here no further.

Establishing a point of self-trust, and through this, establishing a point of trust with each other, by utilizing unconditional communication - realizing that we are walking alone in our specific process, therefore we take self-responsibility, while understanding, and living the understanding, that we as all of existence, walk this process together - as all, as one, as equal. We push each other, within an application of gentle brutality, to live and expand until all that is here is life - one and equal.

This agreement must not become a ‘third entity’ that is created by us through participation within and as energy, wherein it manifests a relationship = separation. We stand absolute with or without the ‘other’ - no matter what.

We establish and live total self-acceptance within and as self-intimacy, and through this, intimacy with each other. We explore sexual self-expression - holding nothing back, assisting each other, as ourselves, to diffuse all points of separation within and as energy, in order to live self-enjoyment unconditionally.

We keep the agreement practical, not personal - knowing that we are NOT the points of the mind consciousness system - such as ego/personality/opinions/blame/judgment/self interest/etc. which will be transcended in order to establish equality, here - in fact = birthing ourselves as life from the physical.




Sharing - To give to each other unconditionally what we would like to give to ourselves.

Examples of not living the word ‘Sharing’ - Holding back, not sharing completely all points = conditional, holding on to secrets, self-interest within and as greed.


Assist and Support - We stand one and equal to each other as ourselves and directing all points within self-honesty to not accept anything less than who the other is as life. Such as - openly discussing/communicating, utilizing muscle communication, writing, sharing on forum, self-forgiveness along with self-corrective application, touch, bringing the point HERE instead of allowing points to remain within the mind, physical intimacy.

Examples of not living the words ‘Assist and Support’ - To accept and allow self definitions, limitation, dishonesty within the other as self, thus allowing the mind consciousness system enslavement to continue within both beings therefore within all of existence. To not direct, open up, or correct a point that is seen. To not ‘time-loop for two’ - understanding that one’s time-loop is another’s and both will have to face compounded consequences.


Self-Honesty - Knowing that who self is as life is not the mind, thus sharing self unconditionally without fear = having the courage to live here in each moment without any limitation whatsoever.

Examples of not living the word ‘Self-Honesty’ - To exist as the mind within and as self-dishonesty, self-limitation, self-interest, and separation from all life, here. Such as - letting the mind figure it out, participating in thoughts within the secret mind, wanting to be ‘more than life’ by existing within and as ego, wanting to change another/the world/existence, as separate from self.


Self-Trust - Accumulating the self-will and self-movement to direct self within self-honesty, thus stopping the existence of mind consciousness enslavement - establishing self as the authority in each moment without fear.

Examples of not living the word ‘Self-Trust’ - Seeing the other as a ‘savior’, wanting to be directed by the other before moving self = self-doubt, abdicating self and allowing the mind to run on ‘autopilot’, existing within fear of loss.


Communication - Openly and unconditionally speaking with each other as self, and sharing all points within and as self honesty.

Examples of not living the word ‘Communication’ - stifling self by not bringing up all points in the moment they arise, believing that one can hide, keeping secrets, holding onto ego and self-definitions/self-limitations.


Self-Responsibility - Self is the only one able to ‘respond’ to self, thus self is alone response-able for correcting and directing all points within self-agreement as another, self-honestly - HERE.

Examples of not living the word ‘Self-Responsibility’ - Abdicating self, wanting to be ‘fixed’, blaming the other, projecting our own points onto the other, wanting the other to change/wanting to change the other. Not bringing all points back to self.


Relationship - Relating to another as self. Walking with another as an equal, thus standing alone with no strings attached.

Examples of not living the word ‘Relationship’ - Sinking on the real-hate-shun-ship by accepting and allowing a third entity to possess self through creating points of dependency rooted in separation. Falling into mind-definitions of ‘relationship’ that are conditioned and pre-programmed into self - to enslave self into ‘comfort’ within ‘complacency’ and self-limitation which sabotages self from realizing self as all one as equal.


Self-Acceptance - Walking within and as vulnerability, humility, humbleness, and gentleness. Accepting and allowing self to expand as self explores who self is within and as oneness and equality. Embracing self within the totality of self in every moment of breath, while letting go of that which does not stand within the principle of what is best for all.

Examples of not living the word ‘Self-Acceptance’ - Accepting and allowing self to exist as ego within self-judgment, self-limitation, self-diminishment, comparing self to ideals based on pre-programming, self-spite, self-rejection, self-definitions, self-neglect, self-abuse, thus projecting all of these points onto the other instead of bringing it back to self.


Self-Intimacy - Self-Into-Me-I-See - Seeing into all aspects of self within and as self-honesty. Being aware of how self functions, down to exact specificity, so there are no ‘hidden corners’ in which self may remain within and as the mind. Opening self up to existence - unconditionally - within the realization that self IS all of existence, thus any point of resistance indicate self closing off from who self is as life = separation. Seeing into the other as self.

Examples of not living the word ‘Self-Intimacy’ - To reject self/the other, within fear of exposing self to self within brutal self-honesty.


Sexual Self-Expression - Utilizing touch and breath with the other, as a point of self-support within self-honesty, to break down and transcend the mind - pushing through all points of resistance, and if resistance(s) arise - doing it anyway - to not remain within limitation/fear/separation/ego/excuses. Releasing all points of energy within orgasm that feed the mind consciousness system, thus purifying self-expression within and as the physical, during physical self-intimacy with the other.

Examples of not living the words ‘Sexual Self-Expression’ - Participating within points of resistance that separate one from the physical while residing in the mind. Participating in thoughts/pictures within the act of sexual self-expression with the other, thus accepting and allowing energy to possess self = fueling the mind consciousness system.


Self-Enjoyment - Having fun. Exploring/expanding the various ways self is able to express self within the unlimited potential of this existence. There are no rules. There are no limits. There are no boundaries - only self - HERE. Self-Enjoyment is a self-movement that is not directed by or dependent upon energy/mind in any way whatsoever - EVER!!!! OKAY?! COOL!

Example of not living the word ‘Self-Enjoyment’ - Being a fucker.

Self Acceptance, Sex, Self Intimacy, and the "big bad beast"

I fear to see within me. I fear to have to face that which I do not know or understand, and do not trust myself enough to be able to deal with effectively. I want to know for certain that I can face it and continue to stand before I allow myself to become intimate with myself and to fully face who and what I am within my secret mind.

I am seeing now that the thoughts, distractions, and 'tricks' my mind is playing is only happening because I am allowing it to and in fact I am the one who is directing it to continue distracting me- because the fear of facing myself is greater than my will to face myself- thus more often than not I suppress myself and distract myself and isolate myself into a cocoon so as to not have to face my world. I see this play out in the way I distance myself from others in my actual life- interacting with people only when it is necessary to keep up appearances and continue to be able to fit in and function within the matrix and keep things stable in terms of having my job and 'work relationships'. I find myself participating in personality and compromise in order to 'fit in' and continue to be able to support myself within my current placement in the matrix. At home, I isolate myself my remaining in my bedroom, going into the common areas of the house only to get food or use the bathroom, completely minimizing my interaction with the other roommates- because I have judged them and see them as a threat- because I have not fully dealt with all that I am and I am still trying to hold back this beast within myself that I fear to face, and thus I see others as being a threat to me because I may be placed in a situation wherein I compromise myself with one of them and within that allow the 'beast' within me... the secret and suppressed dimensions of self... to step forth and I do not want to lose 'control'.

So as I am walking this process and I find myself at a point of self investigation on a particular point or pattern, I will notice my mind wandering and putting up all kinds of distractions- it is a defense mechanism to protect me from the 'big, bad, scary beast' within me that I have been trying to keep 'under control', which I keep buried deep within myself in prisons of my own design, all the while pretending to be free and in control by creating personalities and false faces to show to others so that they do not see that which I fear the most- which is myself.

“I judged me before I allowed myself to be intimate with me.” is what Sunnette had written in an article about self intimacy, which I was just reading.

So here I am looking at the point of seeking and desiring to have relationships with others, and I see how I have sought out relationships that validate, support, and reinforce my false personalities and allow me to experience a point of acceptance not as who and what I am in totality of myself, but acceptance as the person I am pretending to be while hiding the totality of myself from myself. In this way, relationships have been an extra layer of protection against the 'big, bad, scary beast' that I have judged my suppressed dimensions of self to be before I have even allowed myself to be intimate with myself in self honesty and self acceptance. Already, I had made the decision to disown those secret parts of myself that I may be ashamed of or fear others judging me for- why? Because I have judged others for such things and I have judged myself.

I do not 'like' myself. In fact I am often repulsed by who and what I have allowed myself to become. There is spitefulness, fear, jealousy, envy, judgment, deception, manipulation, deceit, and secrecy within myself, within my secret compartments that I try so hard to keep away from others so that I am not 'found out', so that I can continue to pretend to be trustworthy and acceptable. In this judgment and condemnation of myself I have forever judged myself into eternity and have accepted a life in which I am constantly in fear of self, in doubt of self, not able to actually trust myself or accept myself, but have to rely on the acceptance and trust of others whom I must convince I am something that I do not actually know myself to be in fact. Such is what relationships are in this world. Such are and have been the relationships I have accepted and allowed myself to establish and depend on. What a mess we make our world when we do not sort out the mess within our own selves.

In the act of me accepting the act of pretending and projecting myself as something that I am not in fact, and in the same action also attempting to hide myself and remain in fear of myself, I am only going to further validate this point within myself and within all of existence, as I seek others who will have come to the same conclusion and acceptance- I will seek out others who have judged themselves, fear themselves, and want to be validated and accepted not for who they are but for who they want to present themselves as, who are willing to lie, manipulate, and deceive me in order to establish another layer of protection for themselves instead of facing themselves.

This is what friends and 'lovers' do. They provide for each other the space in which each are able to deny themselves true intimacy and self honesty in exchange for validating and supporting each other in their fear. Together they form their own agreement and their own support system which does not actually support them in being alive, being free, being expressive, or being self honest with themselves and each other, but rather the opposite in which they create their own separate world in which they have agreed to not hold themselves or each other actually accountable for the totality of themselves and simply continue to support and accept each other in fear, distrust, and dishonesty. Is it any wonder why relationships are so very fickle? Why people seem to 'change'? It is because we are not who we really are. We are only walking around as the projections that we want to be seen as in spite of not actually being here in the totality of ourselves, carrying within us secrets and deceptions that we are willing to create further secrets and deceptions in order to cover up, all for the fear of judgment from others, all because we want to be accepted because we do not accept ourselves, all because we want to be free but will not give ourselves the freedom from self persecution.

Thus, I commit myself to no longer accepting or allowing this fear to exist within me or anyone in this existence. There is no judgment that is real other than the judgment I allow myself to live as. Thus there is no need for fear or resistance or shame or guilt in walking and exposing that which is within me as the secrets and unresolved points that each and every person must face and walk with what time we have here, so that we can actually stand up and correct that must be corrected, so that we can actually stop this mess once and for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a victim to the world and to the systems and to the mind consciousness, and to my preprogrammed design and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is 'too late' for me to actually change myself and correct myself and that I am powerless before such systems within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to remain being in the position of being a victim who is 'less than' the secret dishonesties within myself and to hold on to the belief and self definition of being a 'victim' who must be saved by another because I am unable to save myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the points within myself that require to be sorted out and corrected are too vast and that I will not make it in this process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in the spiteful thought of 'this is too much, I may as well just indulge myself as my programmed design because I simply won't be able to transcend all these points' without actually considering and investigating and applying myself to see if this is in fact the truth, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to slip and fall on points that I consider to be 'small' points wherein I indulge myself to gain energetic experiences or further validate my conditioning within the justification of 'I probably will not succeed in this process'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear is real and that I should obey my fears because my fears are how I am able to protect myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously seek to protect myself instead of investigating what it is that I am wanting to hold on to and have defined myself as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as a projection overlaid upon my secret dishonesty points which I attempt to convince others to accept, thus creating another layer of deception for myself to protect myself from facing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self acceptance and self worth so completely that I am able to be easily manipulated by anyone who appears to validate, accept, or 'like' me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be wanted, liked, validated, appreciated by others because I have not wanted, liked, validated, or appreciated myself within self intimacy and self honesty within walking myself through my own points and wanting for others to accept me at 'face value' or wanting others to walk though my points for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for others to walk with me in my process as my partners whom I am able to trust absolutely and enjoy as an equal within this process instead of standing AS that partner as myself- fully trusting myself and enjoying myself as an equal within my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have sexual relationships in which I am able to fully trust another partner in expressing myself unconditionally and having the other partner accept me and express themselves with me unconditionally from the starting point of wanting to have a platform in which I am able to freely enjoy my sexuality from a separate perspective outside of self intimacy in which I am able to, with this ideal and perfect partner, better understand and appreciate and enjoy my own self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have sex and to validate myself as my projected self as my self definition within my mind and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use sex as a way to not face myself and to simply accept and validate myself as my secrets through using another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider forming relationships, agreements, or 'casual sex partners' as a way for me to indulge in sexual enjoyment without actually considering myself within self honesty as well as considering what is best for those who may be my partners within this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire physical intimacy, touch, and 'romance' from the starting point of creating an experience for myself in which I am fulfilled through these things, instead of standing within and as self fulfillment through self intimacy, self acceptance, self worth, self value, and self trust.

Fucked by Sex

Wow...

Desire for sex... it's a crazy thing. It is programmed within us. It can drive us to do things if we allow it to.

What creates rape and sexual abuse in this world? Desire for sex... the very SAME desire that I have within me.

What separates me from the rapist and the raped? To be honest... there is no such separation because I am both.

In the wanting of sexual pleasure with another person... I am in effect stating that I lack something and that I must have this in order to be complete again, and without it I will surely suffer in the wanting.

This very statement is acted out in my reality... in my daily live, and often without my full awareness.

It is in the way I find myself looking at women... looking at their bodies, and the pictures that come to my mind... the fantasies I entertain within, in the total secrecy of my intimate thoughts.

It is in the way I objectify women in terms of my sexual attraction to them. Judging them by their looks alone and reserving my attention to those I judge to be attractive.

It is in the way I conduct myself... in a manner designed to be acceptable to the women I have privately judged to be better than others because of their physical looks, which come directly from my desire for sex. While on the other hand I ignore these mannerisms for women who do not "make the cut".

All of this simply contributes to the solidity and control of the sexual desire which really just enslaves me further as a "Joe Kou" program.