Fearing What Might Come Up Within Writing and How I am STOPPING It.

Fearing What Might Come Up Within Writing and Looking at "Resistance"

Joe Kou

3/15/2012

Here I am writing about a point of 'fear' and it is fascinating because the as I sit here to write I immediately found myself in a point of resistance where I just didn't want to 'go there', and for a while I wrestled with this resistance within myself by saying to myself “NO, I will write about fear, I will not allow this reaction/resistance” but as I made this statement within myself I experienced the resistance even further because instead of that statement being an actual self statement it was rather a statement I was making as an attempt to 'overpower' or 'overcome' the resistance and in this I was separating myself from being able to actually see and understand what was the cause of my resistance and how it is that I created and integrated this resistance as myself, where I had allowed myself to go into this automatic response of not wanting to write about fear.

So I begin here within the realization that my resistance to writing about fear is exactly the point where I must begin to write about my fear lol.

The first point I see within this is that I have, through studying the desteni material and applying the concepts and having a look at how I have designed myself as a system throughout the years of my life, I have accumulated a point of 'knowledge' about the design of fear and how it operates within us but have not actually FULLY lived those realizations as myself – wherein the knowledge and information about how we design ourselves and limit ourselves through and as fear remained within me as a point of knowledge and information instead of being an actual point of application, and thus in spite of having a functional understanding of the design of fear I continued to allow myself to be limited by and directed by fear. This is an example of how easy it is for us to slip into the ego and assume that we have things 'under control' because we believe ourselves to be superior to the mind when in fact it is the other way around whenever we allow ego and knowledge to be our directive principle.

So here I take responsibility for the point of having accumulated knowledge in regards to the point of fear and not actually pushing myself to live and apply the knowledge to support myself to stop existing within and as fear within myself and thus stop the existence of and as fear within my world.

Self-Forgiveness on Accumulating Knowledge about Fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate knowledge about fear within reading and studying the desteni material from a starting point of separating myself from the information and storing the information as a part of myself within and as knowledge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must 'know' all about the system and the design of the system in order to 'understand' it and only then begin to apply myself within the application of stopping the system instead of realizing that I already understand what I require to understand in terms of the practical knowledge of the system and that the only way to actually become effective within stopping the fear within me is to push myself within stopping fear using the tools and knowledge that I have learned.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself and spite myself within continuing to allow fear within and as me to direct and control me when I have the tools and the knowledge necessary to assist and support myself to stop the fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear is an essential part of 'who I am' and that I cannot exist or function without fear when in fact I see/realize/understand that fear is not real and has never in fact supported me to be an effective being in this world and has only lead to unnecessary worry and diminishment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to stop fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate myself to and as fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone and procrastinate within the point of supporting myself to stop fear when and if it arises within me within the justification/excuse of “I am not ready to take this point on, I do not have the strength/will/ability to stop this fear and thus I will allow this fear to direct me this time” when in fact I see/realize/am aware that such statements are actually statements of deliberate self manipulation and diminishment because I am at all times capable to stopping fear and changing who I am in relation to fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the fear is protecting me and assisting me and that when I am faced with a situation in which I experience this fear that I should 'trust' this fear instead of realizing that by abdicating myself to this fear I am accepting a mental reality instead of supporting myself within my practical physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear within the perspective of believing that if I were to stand up and face my fears that I would be 'shot down' and would end up giving in to my fears anyway because that has been the pattern that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as.

Till here no further. I no longer accept myself to remain within and as the point of fear when I see/realize/understand that I have the tools as well as the practical knowledge of how the system of fear works and that I am fully capable of supporting myself to walk out of the fear and stand as self-directive principle.

I see/realize/understand that fear is not 'real' and is a system design that operates as a 'protection mechanism' which maintains and holds the current programmed nature of me as my personality as self-interest and that this fear is not actually protecting me, but is ensuring that I do not in fact actually dare to change.

I see/realize/understand that it is not about fighting or overpowering the fear because that will only lead to further separation and compounding wherein I am actually feeding and validating the existence of the fear – thus rather than trying to overpower or fight or attempt to suppress the fear within me I will allow myself to unconditionally see what is 'behind' the fear and how I allowed myself to design this fear within me so that I can in fact face and correct the real issue, realizing that fear is not who or what I am and that it is simply an indication of a point where I am not directing myself and am holding onto a belief/pattern that is in conflict with self-honesty.

When I see/notice/experience this point of fear within me I will not allow myself to simply accept the fear and 'go no further'. Rather I will stop the reaction/experience of fear within me by breathing and supporting myself to get back HERE to a point of stability within self and look at what is behind the fear as the 'trigger' for the fear experience and then apply myself within looking at practical solutions to the issue.

When I see/notice/experience the point of fear within me as resistance to looking at something within myself or before approaching a task that must be directed I will stop and realize that the fear is not valid and is completely unnecessary because anything that I am fearing or resisting is simply myself – my own creation – thus fear is always fear of self.

So as a point of practical correction when I notice this point of fear of writing about my fear I will support myself by living and applying the understanding that the fear itself is not real or valid and that it is only me trying to hide from myself, and that if there is a point where I fear to open up/expose, it is an indication that I am holding on to a selfdefinition instead of realizing that I am HERE as life and that nothing is ever “personal” - that there is nothing that I have done that I am not already 'aware of' within self honesty and there is no point in debating with myself or waiting for myself to forgive myself.

Okay – so now to push forward with what was 'behind' the fear of writing -

I see that I had developed an accumulated point of not wanting to 'look at' the points in my life where I still experience fear/anxiety/conflict due to fearing that by opening up these points I would have to ultimately move myself and change and take responsibility – believing that if I just 'ignore' the point I am able to have some 'leeway' and not have to face the consequences, which is actually the other way around because the more I convince myself that I am not able to take responsibility for myself in all aspects of myself, the more I am accepting and validating my diminishment and limitation and within this I am actually eroding and compromising my own point of self-trust and self-honesty – because how can I actually stand up as life if I am not able to trust my own words and be able to stand with myself no matter what?

So behind the fear of writing about what I fear and where I still experience fear/resistance/anxiety in my life I was actually reacting to the awareness that I do still have such points where I have not directed myself and instead of giving myself the opportunity to forgive the fear and see practical solutions to change myself and stop those fears and actually stand up, I was compromising myself by allowing the fear and resistance to be a 'wall' behind which I would hide from facing me as self-responsibility, and believing that I was not in fact able to 'handle' what was on the 'other side' of that wall – despite the fact there is no 'other side' and that the wall was just myself keeping my eyes closed while my world and my daily living continued to play out the manifested consequences of my inaction and failure to respond as my response-ability.

Self Forgiveness on Fear of Facing Fear in My Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear admitting to myself and being self honest with the points where I am still allowing myself to be directed and controlled by fear, wherein I am simply allowing the fear to direct me instead of realizing that I am able to see beyond the fear and understand how I created that fear and how I am able to practically support myself to effectively change me within my relationship to that which I fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop whenever I experience a point of fear or resistance and to accept that fear or resistance as an actual 'real' wall or barrier where I will not go any further or push myself beyond that threshold.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear writing about my fears and letting go of my fears due to having accepted and believed that those fears are who I am instead of realizing the simplicity of breathing and being here and seeing that I am already here and that I do not require fear to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for experiencing fear when I 'know better' instead of applying my knowledge practically to in fact stop the fear and develop and expand myself within my expression and my directive principle of me so that there is no reason to doubt or judge or diminish myself because I am in fact walking and living a process of self creation wherein I am becoming an effective being that I am able to be satisfied with and can stand as into eternity.

I see/realize/understand that by applying myself within not allowing the fear to be real but to simply see fear as an indication/opportunity to free myself from limitation and self-diminishment, I am able to walk through any fear that arises within me and thus I have no 'excuse' for continuing to allow the experience of and as 'fear'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and frustrated with myself within the belief that I am apparently 'stuck' in my experience of myself and being dissatisfied with who I have become and what I have done with my life so far, within accepting the fear of changing and standing up and daring to be more than I ever 'thought' I could be in my life.

Thus I walk myself within this application of supporting myself first to stop allowing fear to be the directive principle of me where I become 'paralyzed' and go into hesitation, procrastination, or excuses/justifications and instead realize that there is nothing to fear – not even fear itself – that all I require to do is breathe, bring myself back to the point of stability, and then walk myself practically AS the solution instead of walking as fear.

So now to apply this within my daily life – to stop this knowledge/information about fear and how we create it and what it does 'to' us, and begin applying my knowledge/information practically so that fear does nothing 'to' me because I am now standing within and as it, embracing it and bringing it back to self and allowing self to see behind the walls of fear and push for practical solutions in my life to in fact create me as a being that I no longer have to fear or distrust, but a being I am able to stand with and as within self-trust, self-respect, self-value, no matter what.

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Redefining Words

Here I am looking at the word “Resistance” as the experience within myself before facing/approaching a point where there is fear or where I am not allowing myself to change.

Dictionary Definition of “Resistance”

Resistance: re-sist-ance (noun)

1. The refusal to accept or comply with something: the attempt to prevent something by action or argument.
2. Armed or violent opposition

Okay so here within the word as how I have lived it within the point of resistance when facing self and self-change is how I will go into a stance of opposition to resist and not 'comply', wherein I see changing self as having to 'comply' as though I am giving up myself to an outside authority instead of seeing self change as a self directed movement.

So this 'stance' of 'resistance' is the part of me as ego, as self interest just like the protestors and political activists who take on the stance of 'opposing' and 'refusing to comply with' the system – instead of seeing the system for what it is and standing one and equal with and as the system to effectively change it.

So when I allow myself to experience this point of 'resistance' I am actually taking a stance to resist something that I am believing to be outside of myself upon which I have projected blame instead of realizing that I am one and equal to the point that I apparently 'resist' and that the more firm my 'stance' is within opposing this point, the harder and more difficult it will be to actually direct that point.

Thus here I see that 'resistance' is taking a 'stance' of resisting and opposing instead of integrating and standing one and equal, which only creates separation and further friction/conflict.

So when I see myself taking the stance of resisting and opposing I will stop myself and instead I will open up my stance and simply stand – realizing that fighting and trying to overthrow or overpower is only an act of separation and fear and will not lead to any real solution – and that when I am in a stance of resistance and opposition I am actually separating myself from the solution by making 'my way' and 'my point' and 'my bubble-reality' the only 'right one' and then I become combative and defensive and oppose anything that might challenge my 'stance' as 'resistance'.

So instead of taking the stance of resistance and opposition I will support myself to realize that I am not here to fight or oppose the 'system' – and will support myself by embracing and standing one and equal to and as the very system that I see requires to be directed within what is best for all. 

 

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Bloggity Vlog - Equalizing self to daily blogging/vlogging and establishing a framework

Last night I did not write a blog or do a vlog, as per my commitment to blogging/vlogging each day, and within looking at this point i see that in the days leading up to this i had been participating in thoughts of needing to get my blogging/vlogging done each day and making it a 'rule' that i do this, thus creating daily blogging/vlogging to be an entity separate from self - something that i required to push myself to do because i had made it a 'rule' and not an actual self-movement. so as i continued to allow pressure, stress, and anxiety over the point of doing a blog/vlog each day, the point compounded and i found myself at a state of not actually being HERE, not actually blogging/vlogging from a starting-point of actual self-expression or self-support - and rather i was actually feeding my mind - feeding the constructs within me - possessed by the idea/thought of having to do a blog/vlog each day - and the resistance grew around that point. i found myself going into stress and anxiety whenever it would get late into the evening and i had not yet done my blog/vlog, and would compound this point of stress and anxiety and 'force' myself through it without actually investigating or supporting myself within the resistance - which only suppressed the point.

i realized that i was not actually writing for self-support - that i was writing just to maintain a commitment to write and post a blog/vlog each day - as though by virtue of me doing the act of posting a blog and uploading a vlog each day i was then 'supporting myself'- when in fact i was supporting an idea/opinion which ultimately lead to a lockdown/possession where i would experience massive resistance due to wanting to present myself a certain way, wanting to 'maintain' my blogging and vlogging to fit the idea i had about it.

so within this i have also constructed the point of polarity within 'not doing a vlog/blog' each day - setting up for myself the eventuality of an energetic 'low' if i do not blog/vlog because the starting point was of energy - of mind.

thus i now support myself to drop all rules - and stick to principle. it is not about whether or not i blog/vlog daily - it is who i am within it all, and how i will direct myself within each moment. it does not actually support me or anyone when i am not actually sharing self-realization or sharing self within actual vulnerability - it is ego and self-interest to want to blog/vlog from a starting-point of wanting validation or seeking some form of acceptance/redemption.

the correction here is not to stop blogging or vlogging daily - nor is it to force myself to blog/vlog from a starting-point of ego/mind. it is to clear the starting-point and get self-honest with who i am in the point of blogging/vlogging so that i am HERE and not writing from/as the mind and not going into energetic possession or losing myself within knowledge/information within my vlogs.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within blogging and vlogging daily

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to resist and compound the resistance to blogging and vlogging daily within separating self from blogging and vlogging and creating blogging and vlogging as a 'rule' that must be followed

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear others judging me for not blogging/vlogging daily each day

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not blogging/vlogging each day

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i cannot share myself unconditionally and that i must be 'clear', and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to place pressure upon myself to constantly and continuously be 'expanding' and 'bettering' myself and sharing this expansion of self within my blogs and vlogs

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i must be a 'model' for others in terms of self-expansion and self-correction, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not changing, not expanding, not living up to the 'model' that i believe i must be

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind within it's interpretation of how i am doing within my process and within this, i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others and judge myself as inferior to the expression of others in blogs and vlogs.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing self, and within this, i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that that which can be deleted was ever real or of actual substance

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am my mind and that the thoughts, emotions, and feelings that my consciousness experiences is real or lasting or special in any way.

I am HERE - and my starting-point within blogging and vlogging daily is to support myself within self-expansion and self-realization - and within this it is not about making sure that i post or upload something every day - it is to make sure that i am not in my MIND every day. always it is the starting-point that determines the manifested consequences.

When i see that it is not practical/effective for me to vlog or post a blog, i will not do so and will direct myself and support myself through applying self-forgiveness spoken or written, and/or i will support myself by investigating what is the actual resistance/fear that is in the way, and/or i will support myself within moving and participating within my actual reality if i see i am getting locked down and going into resistance doing the writing or vlogging, and/or i will assist myself within directing myself to take a nap and 'sleep it off' and return to the point the moment i wake up, and/or i will see whether there is something in my actual physical participation that requires change or direction.

i continue my application of blogging/vlogging - without holding on to any ideas or thoughts/opinions or making it a 'rule' that must be followed - and simply move myself within the point and trust self to direct self in that moment if i see that vlogging/blogging will not be effective/practical to do in that moment.

Clearing the Fear - Investigating and Correcting Points of Fearing to Change

After reading Andrea's blog post on moving through resistances while blogging/vlogging, i saw how i have not been as effective as i can be within my blogging and self writing.

i see that as i have taken on this point of blogging daily (nightly), i have seen a pattern emerge wherein i meet up with a lot of resistance within writing - often physically falling asleep and typing gibberish on the keyboard and having to 'force' myself to remain HERE - and only writing out a few coherent paragraphs without actually directing or supporting myself through the point. Doing my writing during the morning is definitely more practical and support for me, and i will continue to push myself to write earlier instead of waiting until later in the evening - however i must still support myself through the resistances and blockages so that i am actually moving myself within self-change.

what i see here is that i have been facing some suppressed points lately - and compounded self definitions are now 'coming up' to the 'surface' - and there is definitely resistance blogging/vlogging - because in self-honesty i fear changing - i fear actually having to lose my comfort zone. i fear having to actually let it all go and walk into the 'unknown', letting go of what i have defined myself as within my ego/personality design which i have depended on for 'survival' within this matrix world - thus there is a resistance in the form of wanting to 'hold on' to my self-definitions within having accepted such definitions as self.

it was suggested to write down the points that i have been working with for the last few months and note the points where i have not changed or actually lived self-correction - and investigate what it is that i am holding on to - taking into consideration where i am currently and what it is that i am still holding on to - what are the points of self-definition, memories, experiences i am not at this moment willing to let go of completely? where in my world now am i relying on my 'old' self in order to get by?

Here I compile a list of points that i have been working on and have not made progress with. I will be taking these points one at a time to write out the specific resistances/fears as well as what i am holding on to as a survival mechanism before moving on to the next point.

The first point i will take on within this application is the point of procrastination -

Procrastination - I continuously allow myself to be distracted within my mind, and allow myself to put things off instead of dealing with things directly. I am still allowing self to wait until it is late into the evening before getting things done, or postponing certain chores or errands due to participating in thoughts wherein i am projecting myself doing the task and creating resistances, fears, anxiety over what requires doing - which is a tactic that my personality design uses to not actually deal with or take on a point in my actual reality and then blame it on not having enough 'time' or not being prepared.

The trigger/entry for this is when i begin to think about the things i require to get done - and within this start to conceptualize and internalize the doing, and allowing self to get lost in the internalization of the point instead of addressing the point in the physical. This is a coping mechanism wherein i allow myself to justify and remain within my self-limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not able to get things done in a practical manner.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am 'a failure' and within this, i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to disregard who and what i am here.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fall for the mind's tactic of using memories and events/experiences out of context and creating new thoughts and pictures which i then react to and allow self to be influenced by.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to rush through the points that require doing because of procrastination.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as procrastination in order to cope with fear, anxiety, and nervousness which stem from thoughts i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate as a means to not actually change and remain within the comfort zone built up by my ego/personality

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear actually taking responsibility for all aspects of my life.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to depend on 'rushing' through what i have to get done in order to not actually face my own fear of doing something wrong, messing up, or looking foolish - which is actually more likely to happen if/when i rush.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to put things off until the last moment so that i can distract myself within the 'deadline' and stress and tension in order to not face my own points.

I will continue with further investigation on this point and follow up with self correction.

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Other points that i have mapped out for myself are below, which i will work through one at a time.

Driving
School/Study
Self-Doubt/Self-Limitation
Defensiveness/Reaction to Points being called out
Suppressing points/internalizing
Nervousness/Anxiety
Establishing myself within the matrix - getting a job that supports me effectively