No Such Thing As "PURE Imagination”

A point that I have often placed value in throughout my life has been my ability to 'escape' into my imagination and believe that I was 'special' for being able to create vivid and 'wild' and 'robust' fantasy worlds and illusions and stories in my mind which I would find more meaningful and far more interesting and 'deep' than the actual world that is HERE.

As a child I would often be creating my own fantasy worlds, populating them with people and plots and intrigue between my imaginary cast of characters, and held an idea that I was 'destined' to be a great story teller because of how much 'depth' I thought I was putting into the richness of the stories that I would create in my mind. This point of going into my imagination and creating whole worlds and sweeping 'epic' stories and going into energetic and emotional reactions from the very stories that I myself was creating was an intoxicating experience – where I felt as though I was god and that I was creating something powerful – something that elevated and exalted me, when really I was simply addicted to the energetic and emotional charges that I would be able to drum up within myself in my mind.

The more I participated in adding more and more layers to my fantasy world, adding in more and more plots and twists and developing the characters in my mind, the more 'real' those imaginary worlds seemed, based on the amount of emotional energy that I would experience within the stories I was creating – where there would be moments in my day where I would 'tune in' to that imaginary world and get a 'rush' of excitement as I placed myself into the role of one of the lead characters and allow myself to be swept up into the story – and there I would live out and express the things that I feared to express in my 'normal life' in the context of my family and the nature of suppression that I had developed in my childhood where I had trained myself to suppress myself and maintain a control over my emotions and feelings which led to me trying to 'work out' my suppressed energies through my 'creative' mind as a way of 'releasing' the energy – but here I did not see or realize that by turning within myself and creating worlds into which I would 'charge myself up' with more emotional energies, I was in fact digging myself ever deeper into my mind and into my 'great imagination' instead of actually facing and walking through the points in my life where I was allowing myself to be directed by the mind, by the energies, and by the suppressed emotions and feelings that I did not understand and tried to control.

When I did sit down to write out and place into an actual writing the stories that I would create in my mind I would always get to a point of resistance, where I wanted to manifest the story as I had imagined it, with the emotions and energetic elements that I experienced and charged the story with, but would not be able to translate that experience into my writing, and here I would get frustrated with not being able to actually manifest in reality my 'great epic story' and would not be able to live out my idealized self-belief of my being a 'great storyteller'. Looking back now I see that I was so caught up in the story in my mind that I did not allow myself the patience and dedication and discipline to develop my skills within creative writing and within a point of ego wanted to simply 'manifest' everything instantly because that was how I had created it in my mind, which here created an initial false belief that I am somehow unable to write and unable to express that creativity through my writing. So having no 'outlet' for the 'great and epic' story that was building in my mind and not seeing the solution of LIVING and participating in my reality instead of settling for self-created worlds, I simply continued to be introverted and isolated myself from others, still not allowing myself to explore and express myself in my physical, practical world and preferring the 'solitude' of my 'private' inner mind. 

Thus the suppressed emotional energies, the reactions, the anger, the fear, and all of the charges that I would experience within me and would continually suppress rather thanexpress, became their own world inside of me, and while I thought I was being 'creative' and 'imaginative' what I had actually been doing was translating my internalized/suppressed experiences and frustrations and energetic highs and lows into stories in my mind – where I was simply taking what was already stored and compounded within me as energetic experiences and memories that accumulated throughout my childhood and compounding them and getting further addicted to the energy and emotions rather than releasing the actual points of suppression.

A moment of sarcastic common sense with Willy Wonka

Thus here I debunk and disassemble the self-belief that I have carried within myself in relation to believing that I was a 'great storyteller' and to believe that I was somehow 'gifted' with a 'great imagination' and to hold that belief about myself as a point of ego and to not look behind this self-belief and get to the actual point of separation – and see that there was nothing 'special' about the worlds that I created and that there was nothing 'epic' or 'grand' – but rather was simply me attempting to control and maintain and use the suppressed emotions and energies within me because I feared to actually live and express me in the real world, and thus relied more and more heavily on me creating worlds within myself through which to have the interactions, relationships, and experience myself in the ways that I wanted but knew would not be able to.

Self Forgiveness – Creating Stories as a Coping Mechanism

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, instead of developing real relationships and participating in my practical, physical world, instead turn my focus and attention inwards into my mind wherein I would create my own worlds and my own fictional relationships with which to interact and further define my experience of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in my search for more energy and stimulation and not being able to find such energy and stimulation in the real relationships in my world due to the introverted and isolationist nature that I had developed within me where I lacked the social and communication skills to develop such relationships, instead turn within myself and thus create fictional worlds and characters in my own mind in order to get my energetic 'fix'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that participation in the mind within energy is extremely addictive and to have allowed myself to become addicted to the energy that I was able to experience within myself when participating in the mind through creating thoughts, pictures, stories, and allowing extensive backchat through which I would 'charge myself up' as the 'experience' of me within myself and within this to separate myself ever more from what is actually HERE as the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, instead of participating directly in my physical reality within developing relationships, participating in activities with others, and getting  'out there into the world', rather focus on developing internalized relationships with myself in which I would further separate myself into compartments and alternate realities where through the years I developed relationships with alternate reality versions of people and personalities that I had created in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize the extent to which I have separated myself from other beings in my world through the extent to which I have isolated myself and allowed myself to delve further into my mind as my main point of interaction – where instead of interacting with this world and the people within it, I would instead interact with the worlds I would create within myself and the different voices/personalities that I would create in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the sense of 'power' that comes with being able to instantly create one's own world and be able to adopt any kind of 'personality' that one desires, within the 'privacy' of ones' mind and to not see the extent of separation that this causes within the beingness of oneself – wherein one is speaking to self within the mind using different 'voices' and energetic charges and allowing such conversations to become the primary point from which one makes decisions about one's life and one's relationship with the rest of the actual, physical world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize the manifested consequences of me splintering myself into various and multiple versions of self existing in various and multiple dimensions in which different 'lives' and different personalities are created and stored as 'me' and thus to not have a stable and accountable point of SELF that is able to walk ONE LIFE effectively and fully, having split myself up into various components and 'minds' within me, each attempting to live out it's existence, and thus creating the experience within me of conflict and friction and the perceived 'inability' to remain focused and dedicated to ONE point and to walk that ONE point fully and in detail – where I allowed myself to simply believe that I am defective and simply 'not able' to function effectively instead of seeing that I have simply been trying to live out multiple versions of myself, in multiple dimensions and alternate realities, and within this not having made a single and clear decision as to who I am, and where I stand, thus not actually standing firm in any point in specific – where the lack of a constant and firm decision creates the backdoors and justifications to constantly 'give up' and 'get overwhelmed' and to remain within the limitation and acceptance of compromising me in my actual potential in this life – which then becomes the living statement of my self-acceptances – which becomes the actual 'example' that I am setting for the rest of existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself and the ability to stand and face whatever is HERE in my reality by becoming addicted to backchat and the preprogrammed thoughts and reactions and experiences within me, and to attempt to correct and 'fix' or justify how I experience myself in relation to my backchat by creating and participating in MORE backchat – where I create my own world and reality and fill it with people of my own creation with which to secretly 'act out' my actual desires and indulge in self-worship of my own ego and righteousness – where in my mind I am always right and always get the desired outcome that benefits me no matter who else might have to suffer – and to justify these thoughts and pictures because apparently 'nobody gets hurt' when I to this in the secrecy of my own mind – not taking any responsibility for the accumulation of such thoughts and backchat within me or the personality and ego and self-interest that develops from allowing such a point to exist within self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of my secret worlds and the illusion of 'power and control' that I am apparently able to utilize within my mind by creating my own - worlds and realities through my imagination – not seeing or realizing that I have NEVER actually been 'in control' of even my own inner realities because ALL of the internalized worlds and relationships that I have created have been the result of accumulated backchat and emotional experiences that I have compounded throughout my childhood – and the nature of my internalized worlds and creations reflect this in every way – this I was never a creator but rather a 'compressor' of energies and experiences that were ALREADY present within me – where I was simply re-packaging and suppressing what was already here and thus could not actually have been 'my' creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is even possible to create anything 'new' or 'original' within my mind as stories or alternate realities when the very foundation of my understanding and ability to perceive and process information has been absolutely defined and influenced by preprogramming and by that which was already HERE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that I have sold myself and abdicated myself to energy within and as the mind wherein I have allowed myself to give up what is actually REAL and already HERE as the substance of life and the potential that is here within this reality for expression and expansion, and to have blinded myself and fooled myself into accepting a version of reality as determined by my mind and the preprogrammed relationships, thoughts, feelings, and emotions of the mind consciousness system.

Self-Realizations related to Creating Stories as a Coping Mechanism

1. Allowing myself to constantly and continuously participate in creating alternate realities and worlds within my mind instead of walking, breathing, and directing myself in the actual physical reality accumulates more and more self-separation and conflict in my world.
2. The conflict and friction that I experience in my world can be seen as a reflection of the conflict and friction that I experience within myself as the various dimensions and realities that I have created within me 'clash' due to me allowing the existence of alternate realities and dimensions that are not congruent or aligned and will seek it's own fulfillment without consideration of what is best for all.
3. The experience of apparently not being able to 'walk a single point' or to stick to principle and commitment within decisions is an outflow/consequence of me not making absolute commitments within self that are aligned in all dimensions in self – thus where I experience a conflict/friction/backchat or resistance or excuse/justification – it is an indication of where I am still holding on to an alternate dimension/secret agenda that I am not allowing myself to forgive and let go of which is compromising my commitments and decisions.
4. I have spend many years in accumulating backchat and emotional experiences which I have suppressed and then compounded into alternate realities within myself – thus it is not to judge or hold a grudge against myself but to see the origin point of what I had allowed myself to suppress and compound and to forgive and release that point and walk the correction of that point in my reality as I bring all dimensions HERE to the eye of the needle as I unify myself and align myself as ONE being, where my words, actions, and commitments are absolute in all dimensions of me.

Self – Correction on Creating Stories as a Coping Mechanism

When and as I see/notice myself experiencing a point of conflict/friction within my experience of self, I STOP the voice in my head and do not allow myself to participate in internal discussions that masquerade as 'self-introspection' and rather support myself to write the point out in a self-supportive manner instead of trying to win an argument with my own mind which will only create further self-separation.

When and as I see/notice myself 'lost' within a point of daydreaming/fantasy where I am not HERE and breathing and directing myself, I STOP and investigate the 'nature' or 'essence' of the daydream so that I am able to see where I am separating myself and where I am trying to create an experience in an alternate reality because of a point that I am not living/directing in my actual reality because I see and realize that the daydream/dimensional shift is NOT good or bad and is not to be judged or resisted or suppressed, but rather are indications of where I am attempting to create something that I desire using energy instead of seeing whether or not this point is able to stand within what is best for all and whether I will be able to bring this point to a practical point of manifestation in my life.

When I see/notice myself wanting to escape a point of responsibility or see/notice myself facing a point of resistance I STOP the voices in my head that attempt to 'talk' me into a decision that may compromise me and my point of self-honesty, and support myself to walk and apply myself within a decision that is best for all – where there can be no doubt or 'debate' as to whether or not my decision is one that is able to stand the test of time.

When I see/notice myself projecting into alternate realities in which I have an idealized relationship or event or circumstance that is not actually here in my reality, I STOP and realize that I am facing a point of separation where I am trying to create what is not HERE and am not allowing myself to walk the practical process of accumulation and discipline required to manifest and make REAL and establish within myself that which exists as a 'desire' that is separate from me, and to realize and understand that any picture or idea in my mind will always consist of energy and self-interest that does not take reality into consideration and therefore will not actually be able to manifest in this reality.

When I see/notice myself 'zoning out' or going into and as reactions and backchat in my mind instead of moving myself and directing myself, I STOP the voice in my head and do not try to fight or suppress the resistance or reaction. I stop and adjust and change what is able to be changed in one breath, and that which I cannot self-honestly change in one breath, I commit to accumulating the necessary breaths to slowly but surely change as the eventuality of me, and thus allow myself the necessary discipline and application and PATIENCE to walk my life to a point of self-perfection, realizing that it took many breaths to become who and what I currently am, and will take many breaths to undo these foundations.

Redefining the Word “Imagination”

1. the faculty of imagining,  or of forming mental images  or concepts of what is not actually present to the senses.

2. the action or process of forming such images  or concepts.

3. the product of imagining;  a conception or mental creation, often a baseless or fanciful one.

4. ability to face and resolve difficulties; resourcefulness: a job that requires imagination.

Here I see the word “imagination” as I have lived it – within the context of using imagination as a means to “create mental images or concepts of what is not actually present to the senses.”

Thus I have utilized the imagination like a magician, where I-am-a-magician and able to create clever illusions that distract and present a false assumption and presentation of reality, often employing what can appear to be 'magical' means that have no evident basis on actual reality or how it functions – thus creating an 'alternate' picture of reality presented as though it were 'real' without actually showing in detail the process through which such an illusion can be achieved because that would ruin the 'spell' that the magician uses to captivate and compel the audience.

Who I am within “Imagination” as “I'm a magician”

In my life I have utilized the point of being a 'magician' in my own mind where I am able to conjure up at will all kinds of illusions and distractions to keep myself occupied and distracted from actual reality, through my imagination.

Within this point of imagination I would exploit a desire for something that I have separated myself from – whether it is a particular relationship or a particular 'feeling' or experience which I believe would make me 'happy' – and will use that desire as the justification for me to temporarily suspend my disbelief and common sense so that I am able to accept an alternate version of reality and for a moment be able to experience that point of desire through 'magically' creating such an illusion using energy in my mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions, and 'imagination' – where I am both the magician and the audience, feeding off of the energy of me as the captive audience and turning that energy into the illusion that I craft as the magician/imagination.

Thus I see the here of how 'imagination' is often linked and associated with 'magic' and 'fantasy' – the 'imagination/i'm a magician' point exists in relationship with the point of 'fantasy' and the idea and belief of 'magic' where things are apparently able to just 'happen' without any regard for practical physical processes within the nature of actual reality and how as a child, I had allowed myself to create such points of 'magical' worlds within myself through my imagination – where the worlds seem to 'exist' in me without any substance or actual physical effort- not seeing that the energy to sustain and create such worlds comes directly from me as the physical essence of me.

Self-Forgiveness on the Word “Imagination” and association to “I'm a magician”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize my imagination in the manner of a magician creating alternate realities and illusions which are presented as 'real', which I suspend my disbelief for in order to for a moment experience an escape from this reality when the truth and actual manifested nature of this reality cannot be escaped in any way and remains HERE while any illusion or alternate reality that is created of energy must eventually dissipate and fall and be revealed as the illusion that it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the sense of 'magic' and 'wonder' and 'fantasy' to the word 'imagination' without considering the actual and practical consequences of allowing imagination to be part of ones ability to access what is actually here as the relationships which are created in the physical yet disregarded in the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that having a good 'imagination' is a skill or talent in and of itself without considering the long-term effects of participation in 'imagination' and the creation of concepts and ideas that are not in fact based on what is best for all in THIS REALITY but rather based upon personal interpretations and creations of alternate realities which ultimately always serve self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in 'flights of fancy' and allow myself to be 'swept away' into the excitement of stories and the idea of magic and fantasy without seeing and realizing that in such moments I am allowing myself to deliberately indulge in feeding the mind and dulling my actual senses in the physical to practically observe and see what is in fact here, where I as the magician conjure and 'enchant' myself into delusional realities that do not support me to stand HERE and rather promise illusions that will inevitably burst as the temporary bubbles that they are.

New Definition of the Word - “Imagination” → “Image and Likeness in Action”

Thus the “imagination” must be the actual “Image and Likeness in Action”, where just as a magician is able to create by understanding certain principles and relationships and manipulating/directing those principles and relationships to achieve a desired effect, we are able to utilize the same function in a practical way that supports who we all are in the walking of our process of returning to the PHYSICAL and taking back our authority and directive responsibility as the Creator, where we as the Image and Likeness of the Creator can use our “Imagination” as the “Image and Likeness in Action” - where through actual and practical ACTION we direct the principles and relationships of this reality to achieve a result that is best for all as our Creation.

We are able to, through understanding the principles of creation in this practical reality, manifest and create that which is not yet here and not yet manifest as our creation, understanding that only that which is best for all in all ways and does not harm or lead to separation or abuse, will be able to stand the test of time and thus anything that is not in alignment within what is best for all will not be able to sustain itself and will eventually fall.

In our role and responsibility as creators of this reality we are able to see that which would be best for all through self-honestly taking all into consideration as one and equal expressions of ourselves, and we are able to determine what is currently here that does not support the creation of a heaven on earth, and we are also able to see and determine what is required to be here as the infrastructure and placement that will enable the creation of a world that is best for all – and though such a world can only exist as an 'image' for the moment because it is not yet here, we put that image into the action of self-creation – through our own living actions which accumulate to a result that is mathematically equated to what is best for all.

Thus imagination is the faculty of seeing clearly as the 'image' of what is best for all and is not yet here in our practical senses, and to bring that image to action in the physical, where imagination = image and likeness of the creator in action – slowly but surely bringing HERE what exists for the moment as an 'image' of oneness and equality.

How I Stifled My Life with Anticipation and "What If"

How I Stifled My Life with Anticipation and "What If" 

Joe Kou

3/20/2012

At work I noticed a point that has become more prominent lately, wherein I experience fear and constriction and a kind of panic begins to rattle within me whenever one of my difficult cases goes well or I have a 'good week' and my cases get resolved one after another.

Within me I begin to experience the“What if” forms of backchat and fear and anticipation where I begin to ask myself those nagging “What if” questions that immediately place me into a position of projecting my current fears and anxieties into the future and then become paralyzed within fearing that I will actually manifest and have to face the very thingthat I am fearing.

Examples of this would be:

“What if my next round of difficult cases do not go through?”

“What if I fail a bunch of my cases next week?”

“What if I am not able to keep up this pace of work?”

“What if I never get this one difficult case resolved?” 

(Check out the exclusive interview "What If" for awesome insight and perspective on how we actually use this question to keep us repeating limiting patterns and how to support ourselves to stop) 

What will usually follow is I will begin to get more 'cautious' when working on my cases, and will end up spending more time on preparing for them even when I know there is nothing else I can prepare and that this act of 'preparing' is in fact me stalling for time and trying find a way to not have to face the anxiety and fear of the case not getting resolved. Within this anticipation I will actually lose self trust and become possessed by the backchat of “What if” and will begin to create pictures and thoughts of me failing the case and having to find other ways to get the issue resolved with often leads to the company losing money or leads to me having to pay for losses out of my wage.

So what happens? Of course eventually as the fear and anxiety builds I become more nervous and less confident in my own ability and begin to resonate this 'essence' as my very being and the self fulfilling prophecy of fear manifests – I end up messing up on an aspect of the case I am working on or I get the timing or my execution wrong or I give off the wrong impression or tonality when making my case and trying to negotiate a resolution and end up complicating the case or outright having it get rejected. Or, I will get myself so anxious about the case that I will keep postponing it or pushing it further back toward the end of my schedules and as I do this the problems of that case compound and become harder to negotiate and work with because often these cases are time sensitive and some customers are already impatient and demanding a resolution immediately. All of this due to the participation of fear and the “what if”.

So firstly, self-forgiveness on participating in the “What if” and allowing this system of fear to direct and influence my work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ask within myself as backchat “What if” questions that lead me to self-doubt and anxiety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, before I begin a to work on a case, think about the cases that I have completed so far and compare them with the cases I have failed and within this to go into a point of doubt and reaction within me if my performance has not been as good as before, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly judge myself and compare myself to the past as 'results' based on whether I 'win' or 'lose' a case instead of being here and simply doing what is necessary to be done in THIS MOMENT.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and hold a grudge against myself for cases that I have not been able to resolve or cases that I have had to drag out and cases that I have failed and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I am not getting these cases done instead of taking into consideration the complexity and nature of the cases I am handling and looking at each case practically instead of personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I fail a case, I am thus a 'failure' and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotionally influenced by my own reactions and judgments instead of realizing that I am the only one judging myself and that rejection and failure are a part of my job which I must be able to handle and not take personally, because it really isn't personal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure and fear making mistakes and fear not getting one of my cases resolved and instead of realizing that this fear is self created based on memories of the past and fear of loss, to have allowed myself to doubt myself and judge myself and be critical of myself which only adds to the difficulty of getting my work done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my self-value upon the number of cases I am successful at instead of seeing and realizing that I am my own point of self value and that anything 'outside' and separate of myself that I am depending on as part of my self definition is only going to lead to polarity and conflict because I am not in fact accepting me but seeking something outside of me that can never infact fulfill that which I am not allowing myself to give to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated and angry and moody when I have a case go 'bad' or when I am not getting my work done in the time that I would like instead of realizing that I am experiencing the 'loss' of my self definition and that I am in those moments possessed by an emotional reaction and am projecting it outwards into my environment instead of realizing that I am the one who is creatingthe conflict within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate and push off the cases where there are elements that make the case difficult and raise the chances that I may not succeed the first few rounds, wherein I 'wait' until I 'feel better' or wait until there is somebody else that I think would be 'better' at the case than I am and then make them responsible for it instead of directing the case myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate fear with not having a case be resolved or successful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others are going to judge me or speak negatively about me if I am not always successful at my cases when I am only projecting my own backchat and self-talk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally and be hard on myself when I am not able to get a case resolved and the company ends up losing money instead of realizing that nothing of our current system is based on actual honor or dignity and that everyone is 'losing' moneyby allowing the current system to continue. Thus I do not take it personally that sometimes the system does not 'work' the way we are told it is supposed to because the system in fact does not support what is best for all and 'loss' is part of the equation of the current debt system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself when I must pay for messed up cases out of my own money and feed the fear and anxiety that I experience wherein I worry about losing and having to make do with less money.

I am NOT a “WHAT IF” question. I am here. Thus when I see/notice myself participating in the what if and experience the sensation of constriction and tightness and the 'rattling' of fear within the center of me, I will stop and assist myself by breathing and letting go of what I am thinking about and worrying about, and realize that even if I mess up on a case it is not anything good or bad and nothing to take personally – I am operating within the system and must do what I do to make a living and 'who I am' is not defined by and as my job or my job performance – 'who I am' is what I accept and allow within and as me.

Thus, when I see/notice myself asking 'what if' within my backchat or postponing cases or trying to 'wait' for a better time to do them I will stop and give myself a moment to breathe and realize that this is not in any way personal and that I simply require to do my job one task and one case at a time and that any worry, fear, or anxiety within me is not going to assist me in getting my work done any sooner and will only increase the chances that I will end up manifesting the fear.

So as I work I will work each case effectively and if I am not successful I will not allow myself to take it personally or beat myself up or blame myself, and will simply adjust and do the next step that is required to be done. And when I am successful at a difficult case or a series of cases I will not take it personally or give myself an ego boost because I realize it is simply a task to be done in order for me to make money and survive in the system and that there is nothing to get excited about.

In looking at this specific point of where I go into panic and anticipation of failure and self-doom within the “What If” fear system, I realize that this issue, like any other issue, has deeper roots than just what is on the surface. So while I do have some points with work and stress that effect my performance and contributes to the “what if” fear, this particular system of fear originated within me many years ago into my childhood and has been growing/developing along with “me” - becoming a part of me as my personality and thus becoming a part of the “who I am”.

So now the question is what is this fear? Where did it come from and how did it allow it to become part of my life through these years?

My most prominent memory of this “What if” and the fear that drives it:

Within my life I have experienced a consistent pattern of things 'suddenly not working out', where in the beginning of moving to a new environment or having to adjust to changes within my world there is a period of getting used to the new changes and a period of 'discomfort' but after that I begin to grow accustomed to the change. What happens here is that I would have to first adjust to losing any self-definitions that I had attached to my previous situation and then develop new personalities and associations through which to define myself by and be able to generate energy for and as the mind – this is of course before realizing that we are able to support ourselves to remain HERE as who we are in each moment regardless of where we are or who we are with or what we must do. 

So for many years of my life this pattern would play out where I would adjust to a new situation and have to face the pain and resistance of being 'forced' to let go of old connections, and I imprinted within myself a 'dread' of things suddenly changing or things not working out because then I would have to face again the point of my 'world' collapsing. So whenever things were going 'smoothly' or things begin to 'settle' or when I would see that I am in a different setting and my old programming/identity/personality would no longer fit or be supported, I would experience the panic and the constriction because “What if I actually allow myself to change and adapt to this new setting but then everything changes and I have to start over again?”, and once that “What if...” question is asked I begin to compound the point of anticipation where each day the point grows of anticipating that things just won't work out and that if I fully invest myself into this point it will end up backfiring and I will end up losingeverything and having to start over again.

So the trigger is whenever I am becoming settled or established in a point – whether it is a project or moving to a new place, or starting a new job, or settling down with a new partner – the anticipation within me builds and I "lose" myself in the self-doubt of “What if I am not in the right place? What if thisall turns to shit? What if I made a huge mistake and now I'm stuck here?” - all of this stemming from childhood experiences of instability and having to 'cope' with sudden changes and losses and having to redefine self many times and not quite being able to 'fit-in' or be comfortable due to constantly anticipating the next 'big change'.

Redefining Words - “Anticipate”

The key word that I would like to look at here is 'anticipate'

an-tic-i-pate (verb)

1. Regard as probable; expect or predict.
2. Guess or be aware of (what will happen) and take action in order to be prepared.

In my life I have often participated in the anticipation of what may come 'next' because I was afraid of having to lose everything, having to start all over, having to lose all of my friends and need to make new ones, having to let go of my current relationships in which I have established 'myself' and have to created/establish new ones, and fearing that I will never 'catch up' with others because of me always shifting and moving and not actually becoming established in a field of study or interest or a career.

Thus I tried to 'anticipate' what might happen and try to prepare myself as best I could and always be 'on the lookout' for the next turn in the road or next 'surprise' so that I can try to outmaneuver or outmatch anything that might threaten my 'stability' – but in this I did not consider that there is no way to actually plan for every contingency and that by focusing on what 'might happen' and trying to prepare myself for the unseen is only going to feed the idea that I will eventually be caught 'off guard' and will have to lose everything and 'start over' – and did not consider that it has been so easy for me to 'lose everything' because I have spent so much of my time trying to find 'stability' and trying to dodge the next hurdle that I never actually allowed myself to fully develop myself and trust that whatever comes, I will continue. 

Through the years of participating in anticipation I missed out on practical participation such as focusing on my education and training and developing my relationships and networks – thus I was in fact creating the instability that I had been trying to run from – because I find myself too anxious and stressed or too nervous to actually focus on the jobs that I would have, or to allow myself the time and space to do my studies effectively, and would not allow myself to fully invest in and participate in relationships in my world out of fear that it would 'not work' in the 'end' – as though I could already see the end before even allowing myself to really go for something and allow myself to really develop something from the beginning and not allowing myself to give up so easily and disregarding the time and application it takes to really make something work in this reality.

Thus I see that anticipation is actually an anti-participation – where the more I tried to anticipate the future or anticipate what might be possible, I was disregarding my actual, practical participation in my world – I was disregarding my actual daily living and was not focusing on the tasks at hand because I was too worried about the 'future', projecting my current instability into my future reality instead of correcting myself HERE and PARTICIPATING.

Thus instead of anti-participating my own life and my own future, I see and realize that my 'future' is in my own hands and that fearing and trying to avoid the 'future' is really me fearing and trying to avoid me, because I create me in every moment and by doubting my ability to create stability and an effective living for myself in the future I am saying that I doubt myself here and now.

When I see and notice myself anti-participating and postponing or hesitating or allowing myself to fear making new relationships or commitments or taking on a task or project I will stop and see that by anti-participating I am only going to re-create my pattern of disappointment and having to 'lose it all' – which I have had QUITE ENOUGH OF. Thus when an opportunity is here within my world I will simply consider it and move myself within what is best for all and will not allow myself to anti-participate. I will instead PARTICIPATE and allow myself to make 'mistakes' and learn and realize that if I keep giving up and doubting myself and trying to find 'stability' outside of me, I will never actually develop anything worthwhile or lasting in this reality, which is based on consistency of accumulation and participation, where I am part of the PARTY of life instead of being a constant drifter, floating on the waves of the Anti-Party-Sea and PARTITION myself in isolation.

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Excuses, Excuses - What I'm Realizing about Excuses and Self Sabotage

Excusing Excuses? What I am Realizing about Excuses as Self-Sabotage

Joe Kou

2/18/2012

When is an excuse valid?

The mere asking of that question already invalidates the person asking it because in the very structure of such a question, the person asking is already abdicating and giving in to the idea and belief that there is some acceptable and justifiable answer for an 'excuse'.

This question arose within me earlier today looking at the point of consistency in my application, and I noticed myself experiencing a 'low' within me, as though there has been a weight within myself that I have been carrying but had been trying to ignore and simply 'cope with' rather than actually open up the point for myself.

What I saw within this is that I have not been as effective as I know I am able to be, and the only 'reason' for this can only come from the mind in the form of an excuse – the only 'reason' why I have not been effective with managing my time and being diligent in my consistency with things that I am taking on in my world can only come from what I am still accepting and allowing within me as experiences and justifications that I am abdicating myself to.

When I have a look at this point of not being diligent and consistent with points that I see and realize require my direction and application, the self honest answer is that there is nothing REAL holding me back – there is nothing physically limiting me from being able to be as effective as I can be in each moment, which leaves the realization that what is in fact holding meback is ME, and to be more specific, it is what I am accepting and allowing within myself.

When I sat with myself for a moment to look at this point, the first 'instinct' was to immediately look for 'reasons' and 'justifications' as to WHY I am not effectively taking on the points in my world and WHY things are not working out, WHY I am apparently unable to direct my living and the relationships with beings in my world currently – and in all this I was completely leaving out the point of realizing that any question that begins with “WHY” is actually just seeking a justification or a 'reason' that will seemingly make the situation “okay” or “acceptable” - like

“Oh, so that's WHY this is happening. I understand now – boy am I glad I figured that out. I am so smart!”

And then leaving the point exactly where it is without any practical change or correction because apparently the ego is thus satisfied and has gotten itself 'off the hook' because as long as there is a reason – an excuse – a way for the ego to continue without having to change, without having to let go of an aspect of itself, it will at all costs latch on to whatever excuse we imagine for ourselves.

As I observed this 'search for reasons and excuses' that was happening within me, I realized that if I allowed myself to listen to any 'answer' that would come from this kind of 'questioning', I would only be denying myself the actual solution and the actual point of responsibility which will allow me to actually and practically correct myself.

Thus, every time I listen to my mind when it gives me a 'reason' for something, it is offering an excuse – it is offering a 'backdoor' through which I am able to manipulate myself and sabotage myself from actually taking responsibility for a point within myself. For example when I was looking at this point of not being diligent and consistent in the points that I am taking on in my world, the reasons came up immediately -

“I don't have enough time!”

“I'm too tired and drained from working so much!”

“My home environment is not supportive!”

“I'll just cope with things for now and I'll change later when things are more stable!”

All of the above statements say NOTHING IN FACT because they are only statements of belief, opinion, and conjecture – and have absolutely no practical basis within my actual physical reality, yet if I allow myself to accept any of those statements as 'real', I make the statement real through my own acceptance and allowance – and I become equal to those statements.

So here I am flagging this and taking responsibility for having accepted and allowed such statements to exist within and as me as excuses which I have used to excuse myself from actually changing and doing what I see is required to be done.

Firstly I will look at the word EXCUSE as it is currently defined -

EXCUSE (VERB)

1. to regard or judge with forgiveness or indulgence; pardon or forgive; overlook (a fault, error, etc.): Excuse his bad manners.

2. to offer an apology for; seek to remove the blame of: He excused his absence by saying that he was ill.

3. to serve as an apology or justification for; justify: Ignorance of the law excuses no one.

4. to release from an obligation or duty: to be excused from jury duty.

5. to seek or obtain exemption or release for (oneself): to excuse oneself from a meeting.

POLARITY CHARGES

Here I see that I have assigned a negative charge to the word excuse. Thus -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assign a negative charge to the word 'excuse' and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word “excuse” by allowing this polarity charge within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the word 'excuse' as being manipulative and deceptive because of how I have lived the word within my own application of manipulating and deceiving myself with excuses and justifications in order to not take responsibility for points within myself and my world and to project my own self judgment upon the very word 'excuse' because I am and have always been aware that the way I excuse myself with justifications and reasons is actually self dishonest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the word 'excuse' as being 'bad' instead of realizing that the word 'excuse' is simply a word and that I have been living the definition of that word as 'bad' – thus I am responsible for how I experience that word and how I present that word as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist using the word excuse because I have within my life created excuses as justifications and reasons in order to 'get out of trouble' and to avoid having to take responsibility for things that I am in fact responsible for.

I see and realize that the word 'excuse' is neither 'good' or 'bad' and is simply a word and that I require to purify myself within the way I am living and defining that word as myself.

Here I see that I have taken the word 'excuse' and lived it from a starting point of self-manipulation, wherein I use excuses to justify and explain away within my ego why I am not required to change, or to use the logic of the mind to 'reason' my way out of taking responsibility for myself within a point that I see requires to be directed, wherein I am releasing myself from responsibility by making something “okay” or “acceptable” when it is not – and the more I allow this game of “I excuse myself” the more I am allowing my backchat to direct me and the more I become the excuses and justifications I sell myself.

Another point to look at is what is it that I am actually excusing? And how is it that I allow myself to excuse that which is not acceptable? In this particular matter I am facing the point of realizing that I am not directing my time or my daily practical living effectively – so if I buy into any excuse in regard to this point, I am excusing myself for not directing myself effectively and I am actually giving myself a free pass to not only ignore the actual cause of me not being effective in my world, I am actually allowing myself to CONTINUE being ineffective – which is self abuse and self dishonesty.

Thus here I am no longer allowing myself to live this pattern of excuse within myself wherein I sabotage myself with an excuRse that traps me in my own self accepted limitation and instead to direct myself by asking HOW instead of WHY, and to support myself using the tools of writing, self forgiveness, and self-corrective application and establish me as point of self-change instead of allowing self to excuRse self and have to face the point compounded again as a time-loop.

Redefining and Clarification of the word “Excuse”

When I look at this word I see that 'excuses' are only able to be generated by the mind as a form of 'story telling' that attempts to paint a certain portrayal of an event or situation based on the reference point and perspective of the mind and not actually based on what is here in self honesty.

For example, a person who does not complete a task is able to see clearly for themselves how it is that they did not complete the task in question and to make necessary adjustments. Here, an excuse is not at all necessary as to WHY the person did not complete the task – because such a “WHY” question will only bring justifications and reasons whereas asking HOW will bring about the actual, practical, structural points that the person is able to have a look at, which has no 'negative' or 'positive' charge because it is simply looking at a point from a structural and practical perspective and is not personal.

Thus when I see/notice myself gathering up information within myself in preparation for an 'excuse' as an answer to WHY a person or situation in my life is going a certain way, I will stop and realize that what I am actually doing is giving myself a backdoor to not in fact look at the practical and structural corrections that I am able to make in order to stop/direct a point in myself or my world and realize that it is not personal and that if I am not effective within a certain point it is within my ability and responsibility to change and adjust.

I will therefore support myself my immediately stopping the WHY and rather ask myself HOW and write the point out and apply the necessary self forgiveness and self corrective application.

Thus “excuse” is not a word I will live and use within a starting point of abdicating self responsibility – rather I see and realize that 'excuse' is a device and mechanism of self misdirection and is an indication point for me that I am participating in a point of ego instead of looking at the point within self honesty and common sense because nothing that is here requires an 'excuse'.

So here, an example of taking responsibility for the words that one is living and accepting and realizing that WORDS are the foundation upon which we have built and designed who we are and what we live – thus it is important that we support ourselves by having effective tools and a structured method with which to open up the nitty gritty of ourselves and what we have become and actually re-create ourselves and take back all of the dimensions of self that we have separated ourselves from so that we can in fact be a REAL INDIVIDUAL within the contextof oneness and equality wherein we stand as an individualized and self-directed point within the expression of oneness and equality as who we are as life.

If you have not already, check out the desteni material and give yourself the gift of actually waking up for the first time and realizing that you are able to have a life of expression, value, and dignity by freeing yourself from the conditioning and the 'religion of the self' that we as humanity have abdicated ourselves to for so long. It is time to reclaim who you are and stand as an example for this world – so join us and walk with us and together let us sort out the mess we have been leaving here for centuries and build a world that will be heaven on earth. 

WORDS and the Power of Self Creation

At the moment I am investigating the point of words and how words are the actual 'programming language' that we use to script ourselves as the information that we are existing as. At the moment the human is a programmed biological robot that functions on information as words – which we use to define ourselves by and create the inner landscape of our minds with – and it is these words and the networks of information and pictures associated with these words that become our actual reality through our acceptance and allowance and participation with the thoughts, feelings, emotions, and pictures we attach to the words that are used as the 'language of self'.

We can see this illustrated in the very first verse in the gospel of John from the “holy” bible -

“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.” John 1:1

My understanding of this is that WORDS are the prime 'building block' of creation – they are the symbols used within the language of universal programming – meaning words are not just letters put together and then given a definition and sound to in order for people to communicate – because 'words' exist within us as thoughts – as the actual spark from which creation flows – so in the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word WAS God... and still is – because words create who we are and shape our reality.

When one is not aware of the words that we are using and what contexts we have associated to these words, we are in essence allowing ourselves to be directed by entire scripts of information that have been accumulated through the years of our conditioning by family, society, media, culture, and the very nature of the mind consciousness systems that exist within and as us – and these networks of pictures and meanings and definitions as well as memories and experiences that are attached to the words of our vocabulary – the words that we use within ourselves when we 'think' and make decisions or come to realizations or conclusions – determine the outflows and specificity of the 'script' we are living as Living Words. Thus the definitions we are accepting and holding on to when it comes to the words that we program ourselves by and 'think' with determine the quality and nature of what we end up executing as our 'program' or 'script'.

In having a look at how we treat words and how we are taught words from childhood we see that we are not actually shown practical applications for words or for implementing effective definitions that are able to be lived in a way that supports us within our lives to make better decisions – rather we color the words we learn with unnecessary and cumbersome definitions often loaded with emotional, experiential, ethical/moral, or opinion based information that is not actually effective when it comes to how we live these words and how we use these words within our self-creation.

For example we can look at the word “honor”. One is able to go to a dictionary and look up the word “honor” for the literal definition of the word – but we are not taught that definition – most of us did not learn the word “honor” based on a practical and consistently applicable definition – rather we see things being described as “honorable” or we are taught to associate a certain feeling or emotional response as the sense of “honor” - and so we attach our own 'meanings' and our own definitions to this word and everybody has developed their own set of pictures, thoughts, opinions, beliefs, and experiences in relation to this word “honor” - which is why when we ask several people to specifically define 'honor' they do not give a clear and consistent definition like we see in the dictionary – rather they will share what they have attributed 'honor' with and will perhaps 'describe' honor through those pictures and beliefs in order to communicate to you their definition of the word as how they live that word as themselves and the information they are currently existing as.

Thus it is important that we develop effectiveness and awareness within the words that we use and the definitions we give them because they are the words that we live, and the words that we live – the words that we accept as ourselves – are the building block of not only our own lives but of this very existence – because we are all, in a collective fashion, scripting this entire experience and if we are accepting and allowing definitions of words within us that do not support life or have been loaded with pictures and beliefs that lead one towards behaviors and patterns of destructiveness, abuse, or diminishment, then such events become part of the lived reality within this world.

For example, I am here looking at the word “mistake” and how within my life I have associated and attached so many ideas and definitions to the word that now by simply thinking the word 'mistake', automatically the network of associations and attachments come up

What is a mistake?

Firstly when I have a look at the word itself I must trace it back to the original points of attachment that I have associated to this word, because it is these associations and definitions that come up and become part of my actual experience of myself whenever I 'make a mistake' within my life – and based on how I have defined the word mistake and what pictures, emotions, feelings, beliefs, and memories I have associated to this word “mistake”, I will accordingly experience myself as well as make further decisions or go into specific reactions to this experience of 'mistake'.

For much of my life I have carried a negative and diminishing kind of definition to the word 'mistake' , such as -

1. Memories of being punished as a child when I did something 'bad'
2. Judging others for making 'mistakes'
3. Fearing to make mistakes because I do not want others to judge me the way I judge others
4. Believing that others see me as my mistakes and judge me for them
5. Believing that mistakes are “wrong” and not acceptable and are to be ashamed of
6. Believing that I am going to have to face punishment for my mistakes
7. Memories of believing self to be a 'bad person' or that something is wrong with me if I make a 'mistake'.

So here already one can see the many layers and experiences that can be attached and associated to a word, and when that word 'activates' within one's reality the entire 'network' of associations also come up within one's experience of self.

Lately I had the experience of being in a point of constant self diminishment and a sense of 'heaviness' within me that seemed to persist no matter what – and I saw that I was carrying within myself judgments and emotions and memories that were 'anchored' to the word “mistake” and “failure” - which have been words that I have heavily associated to negative experiences within and as myself as the definition of those words, as how I was living those words – which manifested within my world the experiences of heaviness, self defeat, wanting to give up, and memories within my life tied to emotional experiences of anger, frustration, and depression.

So to support myself I applied the tools within the Desteni I Process where we take the words we are currently living and applying specific self forgiveness and self corrective applications along with giving the words a 'new definition' that is no longer charged with polarity and judgments but rather become practical, common sense, and supportive words as part of the language of our programming – and in doing so I am already noticing an effect in terms of me effectively stopping the pattern of self judgment and self defeat where before I may have lingered for a long time within the experiences tied to the words “mistake” and “failure” and wallowed within those definitions as myself instead of getting to the point of effective self support and self correction and installing a 'new program' instead of running the same old pattern that has proven itself to be ineffective, unsupportive, and loaded with self diminishment, which leads to the experience and result of self diminishment instead of self correction and expansion.

So I definitely suggest that one investigate the words that one is living and to effectively support self within purifying the living words that we exist as, and as we do this we change ourselves as well as change the definitions we are accepting and allowing within our world and our reality – because as mentioned before we learn these words and take on these definitions often through the examples and acceptances of others which we then take on for ourselves – so we as stand and purify the words that we live and live that new definition, we offer that same redefinition and self-expansion to others as ourselves – and together we are able to re-write the script of this reality into one that supports all.

Desteni Artwork by Damian Ledesma