Only the mind requires a reason or excuse to enjoy self. Only the mind requires a reason or excuse to do ANYTHING at all.
walking this process is walking within total dedication and discipline in each moment and there can be no room for fickleness. No more fucking around can be tolerated. I have an opportunity that billions do not currently have and it is not acceptable to squander what is my responsibility and duty in this life - to stand for all who cannot and ensure that all abuse and separation end, and that all life that is to exist here may exist within equality and honor.
In the last few days I have existed within a 'funk' of not directing or supporting myself through resistances, and allowing self to exist within limitation and justification in order to not push through and face myself. I was fighting within and as ego/mind/self-interest/abuse of life trying to hold on to self-limitation as well as projecting frustration and resentment onto Lindsay. This is NOT acceptable.
What i have seen from my experience of going into defensiveness and hiding and resisting the practical support that Linday had been giving me, as well as my experience of seeing the manifested consequence of speaking words that i do not live (recording a vlog about stopping the mind and abusing energy and going into a point of preaching instead of sharing self- and then experiencing a near 'mugging' on the walk home).
So no more fucking around. No more excuses. I stand. I walk. My dedication is absolute and I do not give up, no matter what. Within this, I am able to enjoy self as LIFE.
I see that i had believed that one required a 'reason' or 'purpose' to enjoy self - and this is NOT true. self-enjoyment is not about 'being happy' or 'doing something exciting/fun'. Self-enjoyment is seeing and living self as LIFE as one as equal and recognizing that ALL life is precious and worthy of expression, and worthy of existing here WITHOUT enslavement and limitation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'wait' for 'help' and 'assistance' before doing what i self-honestly see i am able to do for myself to support myself and take responsibility for what is going on in this world.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create excuses and justifications as to 'why' i am not 'able' to take responsibility for myself within all that i am accepting and allowing within self and within existence.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to spite existence within wanting to remain in my own 'comfort zone'
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to stand separate from the words that i speak and write instead of LIVING the words as self and sharing as SELF
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be a 'fucker' to myself, within abusing self as life by participating in the mind as ego and self-interest
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not stop and delete the thoughts of 'this is too much', 'i cannot handle all of these points', 'i am a fuck-up'.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am a 'fuck-up' and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed within my existence the manifestation of 'fuck-ups'.
this is NOT a process to be taken 'at my own pace'. i have only ONE life and i must apply myself fully within stopping the abuse of and as the mind and seeing to the establishment of a global equality system.
I have the tools and the support of self-forgiveness, self-corrective application, the forum, fellow destonians, the physical, and all that stand for oneness and equality in existence.
I have the ability and means.
I AM the self-will and self-direction
I walk. I do not give up, no matter what.