Day 162 -

In the previous few blogs I have been pushing myself to write out and share the insights and realization that I have had from a particular event – and while I have been the type to “zone out” when I see a long blog and not really want to read it because my mind is already busy with other distractions – I would recommend for those who would be reading this particular series of blogs I am writing to have a look at the previous posts because I am telling a specific story and the context is quite important and the way I have been writing is more in line with telling the “story” as it unfolds – and currently is still unfolding. 

Day 160 - This Little Light of Mine

Day 160 - This Little Light of Mine

Day 161 - Stability in the Eye of the Storm

There have been many times within my process thus far where I would reach a certain crescendo of realization – and there would be an initial burst of motivation and excitement where I would be really “into” the realization that I would busily begin implementing – and what is fascinating is that each time I did this I would do it within a point of “feeling good” about it – like “Ok, now I am REALLY going to change. I am REALLY doing it this time.”  - but after a short while things would begin to taper off and I would no longer be as motivated – and eventually the same habit or pattern that I was living before would return either in the same way, or it would just change/evolve and I would eventually “come to terms” with the idea and belief that I just wasn’t strong enough “this time” to follow through – and that there must be other things in my life that I must attend to and other things that must be “sorted out” before I have the time, the strength, the will to really see this through no matter what. 

One of the points that has developed within me is seeing the importance of MOVING MYSELF and not allowing myself to remain in my mind where my mind is able to come up with all manner of thoughts and reactions and memories and experiences that are completely irrelevant to my actual reality and have absolutely nothing to contribute to in terms of me taking responsibility for the life that I am living or the relationships that I am responsible for shaping, let alone the consequences that are now being faced by all forms of life who are here in this world – and in the past few days as I was realizing the extent of my separation from my actual reality and my ability to slow down and CONSIDER the consequences of my words and my actions from a more “existential” perspective that was not just about my own fears and insecurities and desires – and what this process is really about. 

Tonight – as I got home from work after a longer than usual day in which I also experienced more than the usual amount of thoughts, backchats, emotions, reactions, and various points of stress that have become “common” – I realized that I was more often “wandering” off in my mind from one point of distraction to another as I was setting in for my evening of writing – and eventually I experienced a point of just not wanting to write at all tonight – just wanting to “take it easy” and slip back into my old habits of mulling over my day in my mind and going into more energetic experiences and entertaining myself with a movie or a tv show and sort of “giving up” and “resigning” myself to my fate so to speak – which is a very specific personality/pattern that I have allowed myself to participate in and feed for quite some time.

But tonight the difference is that unlike the other times – tonight I was armed with an awareness and a “presence” that I had discovered a few days back – and since I had been writing myself out and applying more specific self-forgiveness and allowing myself to stand within the “Eye of the Storm” and releasing myself from the accumulated energies that had been shaken loose my the recent and sudden event in my life that caught me “off guard” – I began to realize that my ability to stand in the “Eye of the Storm” – while it seems so small and insignificant – is actually a key not only for me to be able to sit and write out my internal conflicts and be stable within it – but it is also a point that I am able to utilize when I face physical resistances or the urge to regress into previous patterns.

Tonight – I realized that I had been more “charged” than usual and that throughout my day I had been more in my mind than I had been with my awareness and self-stability – and here I allowed myself to simply slow down and see that the more I allow energy within my mind – the more I allow myself to slip into my “routine” and the more I allow my behavior and day to day living to become automated – the more “leverage” my own mind will seem to have over me – and though this realization seems simplistic and even “too basic” to the mind to seem important – in slowing myself down I again brought myself back to the “Eye of the Storm” – and gently, observed and allowed this experience of “resistance” within myself and realized that it consisted of the same energy – the same “pattern” and behavior that I would usually not question – had much less of an effect on me so long as I moved myself within myself to that same point in the “Eye of the Storm”. 

Now this is fascinating because here I am seeing that it DOES NOT MATTER how much of a resistance one is facing in relation to a point – it does not matter how “hard” or “difficult” or even “impossible” something may be – all of it is just part of that storm and can only move us if we do not stand in that point of the “Eye of the Storm” – in that one singular point where all and everything that we can throw at ourselves from within our minds – all of the thoughts and emotions and experiences and energies and memories – all of it is fleeting and has no permanence UNLESS we decide to go for the ride and lose ourselves in the edges of the storm that can so easily accumulate in one’s day and one’s living.

So what am I saying here to myself as I share this? I am saying that all of the excuses, all of the justifications, all of the bullshit that I did not want to talk about or share with others because I was too afraid of what they would think – all of the regrets and sorrows that I have held on to because I thought they would somehow make me a “better person” or would somehow allow me to hold on to something or be able to “fix” something that is already done and in the past… all of the thoughts that come up in my days when I am not standing in my awareness – all of that is just a passing wind within the storm and NONE of it can move me when I stand in the “Eye of the Storm” – thus from here I am not only responsible for every word and every thought I allow myself to participate in – but I also have a responsibility to myself – because I DO see now how this functions and I understand that this implies I have never actually been ALIVE – that I have never actually CARED – that I have never actually been EQUAL with the world that is here and the consequences that have come about in my years of drifting in the storm of my own mind – and that something that seems so miniscule as a tiny “dot” within a raging storm can be one’s greatest strength as long as one is willing to see it – be aware of it – and allow it to come through in one’s own stability – further implies that everything we have deemed “impossible” in this world – everything we have said could “never be done” – is a lie. 

The external world as we know it now is the reflection and consequence of the multitude of “storms” – collections of thoughts and energies and opinions that generate the illusion of being “alive” or apparently “going somewhere” – and it can and should look very imposing when we are still allowing ourselves to be caught in the winds – at the edges – afraid to stand in the very center of the storm and unwilling to admit that we are the source of it – but just as I had discovered that the little “spark” within me that stands no matter how big the storm within me may be, and how eventually the storm subsides and has no more energy when I remain standing in that center – it is just as possible that we as humanity – as this existence – can put an END to all of this pointless misery and we can stop allowing ourselves to be tossed around the storms we are creating if we but dare to seek the simplest, smallest thing and be willing enough to humble ourselves, let go of ourselves, stop taking things so personally, forgive ourselves, and let this storm drift by so that we can be ALIVE for real and for the first time see who we each really are – equal sparks of life that seemed so small in the storm that we may as well have believed we were completely alone – but at the end when the storm clears – we remain that spark that never once gave up and never once flinched or judged or feared. 

In the posts to follow I will expand yet further on this point – as there are many dimensions to this – and I am very much enjoying what I am sharing because this is a real-time unfolding of myself. I understand these last few posts were longer than usual for my blog but those who have stayed with these words thank you for walking and witnessing this story with me as I tell it – that it may stir within you that spark of life that I am learning to write and see things from.

Change CAN happen in One Breath

Here I am writing out the points that I am facing now in my world – having manifested consequences unfortunate consequences for myself which I now walk through, and looking at how I got to this point.

I am going to be moving – the agreement has ended and there will not be any further consideration of working things out between myself and the other to continue walking together. What has been revealed is the extent of my ego and self-interest – which has undermined by ability to be trusted – and thus I cannot walk equal with her in this moment as what i've accumulated so far.

Within this I see that because I did not push myself and correct myself when I saw the points where I required self-movement, I have been walking a very big time loop – and within this loop I have fallen – and now must face the manifested consequences of deliberate self-dishonesty and manipulation – which has resulted in the abuse of others and the abuse of trust given to me.

It is not acceptable that I stand with desteni when my own point of absolute dedication to self-honesty and accountability is in question – thus I now face who I am within no longer having support from this partner and being accountable for what I owe in terms of all that she has provided for me financially. I have, within ego and self-interest, abused the support and have taken advantage of her within not actually appreciating the opportunity that I had being here, with everything that I needed and with lindsay's unwavering support and dedication to self-honesty. Due to me not being willing to actually face the point of self-responsibility and pushing myself to support myself and apply self-corrective application, I allowed myself to become dependent and within this I allowed myself to rely on lindsay instead of walking equal within a process of two beings supporting each other equally within dedication.

This is the result of back-chat that was not directed and immediately corrected – back-chat that had been present within me before the agreement began – the back-chat of fearing to stand alone and support myself and actually be an example of process and self-change within self-honesty. I was too afraid to let go of my personality and ego – believing that I required my ability to manipulate connive in order to survive and not actually stand up.

I humble myself in this moment – and I allow myself to grieve for the lost potential of what could have been within walking equal with a partner – that path cannot be walked now due to accumulated manifest consequences that I must take responsibility for. She cannot walk with me – as the 'me' that I currently am, which cannot be trusted. I have gratitude for her example – and what she stands for. I am grateful for the acceleration of my process within so many points that have been revealed within the time that I have walked with her.

So I am facing a point of crumbling – and walking into uncertainty and also now having to 'restart' my process of establishing self as the authority and self-directive principle within self-honesty within what is best for all. Having not lived my self-forgiveness I now face the requirement of proving myself through actual applied living – standing in the thick of the storm AS my self-change and prove for myself that I am able to stand no matter what and that I am able to be accountable.

I am facing now the point of having to move out – I am unclear how this will unfold at the moment. I face the possibility of not being able to get another place right away, and possibly not being able to support myself financially– which is exactly the very rooted back-chat that has been my evil twin through this process – compromising myself constantly to this point of fearing to actually stand alone without support. So here it is.

I take this moment to reflect on my process – have I actually changed? My awareness has increased – but within this so has my self-manipulation – suppressing the points that I am revealing to myself within self-investigation instead of taking responsibility and stopping my fears and anxieties. I have applied self-forgiveness as a means to 'cope' – to in a moment release myself, but have not been consistent with following through and living as the self-forgiveness as Living Words that stand the test of time – as I find myself facing the same points over and over.

Have I actually changed? Some – and within this 'some' I may as well say I have changed none at all. It is NOT desteni or this process that is to blame for what I experience – blame is not to be found anywhere – not even with myself – blame is the accusation of a point within separation from all there is . Rather than blame, I accept and embrace my responsibility. Within participating with desteni I have been given a gift more precious than anything in existence – the ability and support to stand up for life – to have the awareness of self to be able to see my own enslavement and to be given the tools to my own salvation. This is a once in an existence opportunity.

I can say that what has changed is my awareness of what is going on and how I am manifesting my life – and how important it is to actually have the courage to LIVE self-change within self-honesty and standing up as life – not allowing limitation or ego, and within all things to do what is best for all.

I reflect on bernard's feedback to a letter I wrote – where he said:

“Accountability Is the process of self correction where you forgive yourself
and you stop with the dishonesties. Thus you breathe effectively and focus
on the things that make you in this world a better being while you take on
the system to make it what is best for all. In this, you have only one
opportunity of exposure, where you stand and take responsibility. If you
fall, you have no longer that approach to use --and one must then walk
silently and focussed to show accountability through actual change.
You must decide how to approach., because forgiveness one can never get.
Self forgiveness is but the starting point from which one recreate yourself
into self awareness and responsibility as life.”

Accountability is the process of self-correction indeed – to actually forgive myself and realize that I do NOT have to keep living this pattern. That I do NOT have to exist this way, to experience myself this way, and to DARE myself to prove it. Within this it is to live within and as the courage to stand as self-honesty no matter what – to always find a way to stand within what is best for all. To focus on each breath that I take and ensure that I am expanding where I am effective – to push myself within the points that make me a better being in this world – a being that can be trusted with life – a being that is self-willed as I take on the greater system and stand with those who do the same.

So, it is time for me to 'man up' – to take responsibility for myself – for the life I am living – for what I am accepting and allowing within myself as thoughts, feelings, and emotions which are of self-interest and abuse – to STOP.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself due to having made similar commitments and statements before and not having lived them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist letting go of my back-chat as that which I have defined myself by.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that change cannot happen instantly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that stopping is a 'process' and within this to allow myself to 'take my time' within changing and asserting self as the authority of all that I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot redeem myself and live my self forgiveness for myself and move as my expression of that self-forgiveness unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek redemption and forgiveness from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within fear and self-denial of the power of self to change and to commit to changing – within standing back up after each and every fall no matter what until I stop falling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'slowing down' means to physically slow down to a point of not even directing what is necessary to be directed – and within this I allow myself to see that 'slowing down' actually allows me to assess the point in greater detail in a much faster way and that I am able to move myself quite quickly and effectively within this point of directiveness. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on that which diminishes me - as the fears and excuses of my ego/mind/personality/self-interest instead of focusing on that which allows me to expand and accumulate that which is best for all as my living expression. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from and as my self-expression within self-judgment and self-limitation.

I STOP. I push myself and move myself as self-expression and self-joy within the expression of self-honesty as who I am and I will not allow myself to compromise my self-honesty.

I move myself to speak, write, and express simply what is here and what I stand for and I STOP stifling myself within self-purpetuated fear.

When I see or notice myself in a point of fear or holding myself back, I STOP and I assess the situation within what is best for all, and then I live as courage, as self-movement, as self-trust, to express myself without holding back or manipulating or compromising.

Can I change in one moment? Can I stand up and not fall again? Absolutely. Within having the realization and making the firm commitment, and then physically living that commitment as self-expression unconditionally, I will myself to change in one moment and forever let go of the past within applied self-forgiveness

 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by my past and by my failures instead of pushing myself to stop and find a way to assert myself as LIFE as self-honesty within what is best for all. 

I align myself to what is best for all. I stand within the principle of doing what is best for all in the best way that I can in each moment as I push myself and expand myself and express myself within self-honesty and take responsibility. Within self-honesty and embracing responsibility I give myself the authority and power to stop my limitations and fears and anxieties and resistances and I WILL myself to stand here as self-will.

I hold myself accountable and I take responsibility within changing myself and adjusting myself and aligning myself to stand no matter what. I will assist myself with the tools of writing, applying self-forgiveness, speaking points out loud within sound in the physical, moving myself and pushing myself – ensuring that I am respecting myself as life and not compromising myself by allowing the mind to make decisions for me as life.

I commit to walking this process no matter what – and I stand by these words. The commitment I make to myself as life is to continue my process and to never give up on myself – and to never accept 'failure' and 'falling' as myself – but to see them as opportunities to gauge my strengths and see where I require to push myself further.

Instead of being in fear of a point I will support myself within writing and speaking the point out and seeing what is the best for all solution within it, and stand by that, and push myself to live that.

I have this one life – I shall not waste it. I shall leave this earth a better place than it is now, that any who come will not have to face this atrocity. I insist that this madness end within my lifetime – I will do whatever it takes to see to this, starting with sorting myself out and building my foundation. I do not allow this 'fall' to define me.

I am grateful for the tools of the Desteni I Process – even in my seemingly darkest hours, I am never 'alone' – I am never left without a solution or a light at the end of the tunnel. I am never without the ability to forgive myself and support myself to stop my mind and actually become a stronger individual. I am never without the ability to change myself and take responsibility within my world – and that is the most precious and valuable thing in this world that I have ever known – the ability to realize ourselves and set ourselves free.

I thank those who walk – those who stand – those who have made the commitment to never give up on themselves and to insist that change is possible – and to live as the example of that. I thank those who continue to walk this process through hell and back as we face the deepest corners of ourselves and take responsibility for what we have accepted and allowed within ourselves. Such people are my greatest inspiration – and I will myself to stand with them no matter what. I take a breath, I forgive myself, I walk until this is done.

Hey - anybody looking for a room-mate?

No matter what

Only the mind requires a reason or excuse to enjoy self. Only the mind requires a reason or excuse to do ANYTHING at all.

walking this process is walking within total dedication and discipline in each moment and there can be no room for fickleness. No more fucking around can be tolerated. I have an opportunity that billions do not currently have and it is not acceptable to squander what is my responsibility and duty in this life - to stand for all who cannot and ensure that all abuse and separation end, and that all life that is to exist here may exist within equality and honor.

In the last few days I have existed within a 'funk' of not directing or supporting myself through resistances, and allowing self to exist within limitation and justification in order to not push through and face myself. I was fighting within and as ego/mind/self-interest/abuse of life trying to hold on to self-limitation as well as projecting frustration and resentment onto Lindsay. This is NOT acceptable.

What i have seen from my experience of going into defensiveness and hiding and resisting the practical support that Linday had been giving me, as well as my experience of seeing the manifested consequence of speaking words that i do not live (recording a vlog about stopping the mind and abusing energy and going into a point of preaching instead of sharing self- and then experiencing a near 'mugging' on the walk home).

So no more fucking around. No more excuses. I stand. I walk. My dedication is absolute and I do not give up, no matter what. Within this, I am able to enjoy self as LIFE.

I see that i had believed that one required a 'reason' or 'purpose' to enjoy self - and this is NOT true. self-enjoyment is not about 'being happy' or 'doing something exciting/fun'. Self-enjoyment is seeing and living self as LIFE as one as equal and recognizing that ALL life is precious and worthy of expression, and worthy of existing here WITHOUT enslavement and limitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'wait' for 'help' and 'assistance' before doing what i self-honestly see i am able to do for myself to support myself and take responsibility for what is going on in this world.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create excuses and justifications as to 'why' i am not 'able' to take responsibility for myself within all that i am accepting and allowing within self and within existence.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to spite existence within wanting to remain in my own 'comfort zone'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to stand separate from the words that i speak and write instead of LIVING the words as self and sharing as SELF

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be a 'fucker' to myself, within abusing self as life by participating in the mind as ego and self-interest

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not stop and delete the thoughts of 'this is too much', 'i cannot handle all of these points', 'i am a fuck-up'.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am a 'fuck-up' and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed within my existence the manifestation of 'fuck-ups'.

this is NOT a process to be taken 'at my own pace'. i have only ONE life and i must apply myself fully within stopping the abuse of and as the mind and seeing to the establishment of a global equality system.

I have the tools and the support of self-forgiveness, self-corrective application, the forum, fellow destonians, the physical, and all that stand for oneness and equality in existence.
I have the ability and means.
I AM the self-will and self-direction
I walk. I do not give up, no matter what.

Stop Self-Doubt! Applying the equality equation and accumulating self-trust

There is so much to write about that for the last 10 minutes i have been writing sentences and paragraphs only to immediately delete them, having judged the words, the content, or the subject to be 'not good enough'.

so here I am going to take on the point/pattern within myself of doubting myself and allowing self to give up due to comparing myself to others or to an ideal that i have created within my mind.

this is a point that has been opening up for some time now and the more i allow myself to 'step into it' the more i am able to see it's design and the more effective i am in stopping and removing this pattern within myself.

the design of this system is such that i will often take on a new project and be very excited about it, and i will go into creating thoughts and projections and pictures of all the things i would want to accomplish within the project. what then occurs is i will be mesmerized by the picture and projected desire of what i want and then i will see that i am not at a stage where i am able to manifest that desire immediately.

what happens next is that i go into another form of projection, where instead of looking at all the cool things that i wanted, i go into a mode of fear and projecting myself into pictures and thoughts of messing things up and having wasted time and losing credibility with self and with others for not accomplishing something that i had said i would do. in having projected myself into this future failure, i then react to 'save' myself by stopping and giving up on the project so that i do not have to face the possibility of having to fall from a greater height.

this point of 'holding back' and 'waiting' is something that i see is incredibly limiting, as all things that spring from the mind-consciousness system are. specifically the point of 'holding back' and 'waiting' keep me in a self created downward spiral where i am constantly seeking the next big project to 'redeem myself' with, and then going into fear that i won't be able to 'pull it off', having already created an idea and desired result/outcome. and what happens within this kind of a loop is because i have the desire to redeem myself by finally pushing through and accomplishing something, i immediately go into memory of past attempts to 'redeem myself' and immediately the pressure builds, seeing that if i fail again this time, it would be another point where i have 'failed' and must have further 'redemption', which leads me to seek a bigger, better project with which to redeem myself through, and then the pattern repeats.

so the practical solution here is NOT to allow any points of giving up, and at the same time NOT participating or allowing any starting-point other than self-movement.

I see that in holding on to wanting to prove something of myself all i am doing is reiterating the fact that i am lacking and must prove myself, and from that starting point all that i do would be for the sake of getting the 'reward' of validation and redemption and would NOT be an act of actual self-movement and self-expression, thus it is doomed from the get-go to die out when the energy driving it dissipates.

so within this act of committing to write each and every day, i stand and i take this point on, and i clear myself of all desires and thoughts of wanting/needing to 'not mess up on this one' in order to redeem myself from my past and to validate who i am as an ego.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to write each and every day in order to prove that i am able to commit to something and see it through

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to keep up with writing each and every single day and fearing what people might think.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to write from a starting point of wanting to redeem myself and be validated by others.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within fears of not knowing what to write or not knowing if my writing is 'good enough'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to write for others in return for validation and acceptance instead of writing for and as self within self-dedication

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear missing a day of writing as a projected fear associated with me not being able to then 'redeem' myself.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to 'redeem' myself as my past

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seek attention and acceptance from others who walk with desteni and are taking on this point of daily writing

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to write what my mind/ego/personality deems to be fitting in order to gain validation and acceptance.

I STOP.

I do not allow myself to participate within trying to redeem myself through my daily writing

I write each day as a self-movement wherein I accumulate through time and consistency self-trust and self-will to do whatever it takes to stand by my words and principles.

I write each day to stabilize and support myself within clearing up the words that I write, the words that I speak, and the words that I live.

I write each day to assist and support myself in letting go of the mind and putting myself out and sharing my process within and as humility and humbleness, baring all points and all secrets.

I write each day as an act of self-care, exposing self to self and daring to actually hold myself accountable.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i require to be redeemed.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear my past and thus project my fears into the future

I establish for myself self-will each day as i write about what is here in my world, what is here within myself, and i correct myself and align myself to what is best for all as i write.

I apply myself within all that i do within the consideration of the equality equation of 1+1=2, accumulating with each breath, each day, what is best for all and expanding myself to reach my full potential in this life.

I stop giving up when things seem hard.
I stop giving up because I cannot immediately have things the way I want.
I stop demanding that things go the way I planned.
I let go of all fear that if things are not going well or things are not looking like the way i pictured then I am not doing it right and will eventually fail.

I walk no matter what, and I do not give up.

I shall apply this within all that I do - until it is done.