Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Self Support to Push Through Writing and Procrastination Backchat

 Joe Kou

Lately I have been facing a point of heavy resistance to writing as well as keeping up with scheduled tasks and projects that I have taken on for myself, and I noticed that the longer it took for me to finally push myself and simply do what needs to be done, the harder it became to actually do so – because by then I had already given my ego/mind/backchat PLENTY of 'wiggle room' to dig in and start creating layer after layer of excuses and justifications that would conveniently 'explain' away why I was not in fact doing what I had decided for myself to do (see more of this in my previous blog on 'excuses' for further perspective on how we create excuses and ask 'why' instead of 'how').

So knowing already that this mechanism of 'excuses, excuses' is at play here I was able to see that if I continued to procrastinate or participate in the pity party that was busy going on within me where I would sink into a kind of 'funk' and then want to bury myself underneath the layers of self judgment and excuses, I would eventually hit a point where it would simply become 'too much' and would likely lead to me becoming possessed and creating/playing out a situation in my life that would not be pleasant and that I would never be able to undo once I had gone 'that far' (check out the “Life Review” series Eqafe for perspective).

In my life there have been plenty of times where I would see I required to direct something or that I would have to be patient and diligent with a point that I was busy developing, but would fall into points of procrastination and self doubt and then would come the layers of shame and self judgment and layer after layer I would add on more reasons and justifications and excuses as to why I was 'not able' to do what I initially set out to do – and then comes the 'icing on the cake' which is the backchat of

“I knew better! I shouldn't be doing this because I already KNEW this would happen. Now look at the mess I made!”

Yes we seem to always KNOW but in the moment when that realization first comes, when we see “Okay, this is a point that I have looked at before and if I do not support myself now I KNOW I will regret it because I can see within common sense the end result of allowing this participation” THAT is the moment where we must immediately live and apply our self honesty and correct ourselves – because KNOWING is not enough and in fact will only bite us in the ass – because we will have to correct and forgive the deliberate self-abuse of not correcting ourselves and establishing our directive principle when we 'had the chance'.

So back again to the resistance to writing and effective time management – what I saw was a 'buildup' of points that began with me allowing the thought of 'this is too much' and then allowing myself to become overwhelmed and accepting that 'overwhelmed' experience to direct me instead of slowing down then and there and realizing that only the mind is able to be 'overwhelmed' – and that if I simply breathe and move myself from one point to the other there is nothing to be 'overwhelmed' by because I would realize that I cannot do MORE than what I can practically do in each moment, and if I am directing myself and breathing effectively in each moment there is no point in 'wanting to get MORE done'.

Now as this buildup of experiencing 'overwhelmed-ness' continued, so did the backchat – because not only had I allowed this thought to direct me, I allowed the back-door to be left wide open for self-abuse and self judgment where I would add on more and more layers of reaction such as “God, I am really fucking this up – I should have been DONE with this last week and now I will have to spend so much time catching up!” or “Fuck, I am such a loser – I can't get anything done and nothing ever works out right” - and as these points of self-abusive backchat continued I found myself only becoming more angry and upset with myself within this, only continued to FEED the backchat even more because now I was actually making the statement that I AM this backchat and that I am giving it my attention and energy and thus keeping it alive within me to such a point where it would actually LIVE through and as me and actually become who I am if I do not stop myself.

So looking at this further in terms of how to more effectively support myself to stop this pattern within me, I see that a key here would be to identify HOW I am sabotaging myself, discover what the 'game' is that is busy being played within my mind which is generating energy in the form of anger, reactions, self judgment, etc., and having identified the points to immediately move myself within the point of correction – meaning to immediately stand within myself, stop the reactions, stop the backchat, apply self forgiveness, and DO that which I initially set out to do and here a vital point that I am adding to my application is to STOP ALLFURTHER BACKCHAT!!! Because it is really pointless to identify the point, release the point, move on and start doing what requires to be done in the moment, but then go straight back into and as the mind as backchat to allow yet ANOTHER thought to compound and restart the whole cycle again.

Thus -

I see and realize that procrastination and participation in backchat and emotional reactions such as anger and irritation which often is projected AT my environment or people around me that I am in fact activating and participating in the game of “excuses, excuses” wherein I am allowing myself to be directed by the excuses and justifications that are created as a 'defense mechanism' to not actually face a point which I am resisting.

Within this I realize that having 'gone this far' means I did not stop myself at the 'trigger point' where the initial thought/reaction occurred within me and in that moment allowed the thought/reaction to 'sink in' and grow/compound as backchat which then possessed me. Thus to practically support myself when I see/notice myself having gone to the point of procrastinating on a point and then finding excuses or going into self judgment and frustration, or allowing myself to become 'overwhelmed' or 'too busy' with other points which are actually self-manipulation tactics to keep myself 'distracted', I will STOP immediately, release the built up energy by breathing, taking a shower, or finding a way to effectively support myself and bring myself back HERE and when I am satisfied that I am stable, I will adjust my practical living, make practical plans and schedules based on what I self-honestly see myself able to do with the time that I have in my days, and DO what requires doing and while making this correction STOP all backchat that may pop up again as part of the previous system design.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to be diligent and directive within my tasks and that if I make a mistake, miscalculate, or end up requiring more time than I had anticipated, then the point is to make corrections and communicate the point to those who may be depending on/waiting on my work/contribution/participation and ensure that I am moving effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and participate in emotional reactions and energy as backchat and internal 'experiences' which I give my attention to and accept as 'who I am' as an 'experience' of me instead of realizing that I am HERE and that I do not require to judge myself or experience anything within me that is not self directed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I make a mistake or when I miscalculate or when I end up not being able to immediately do a task quickly and effectively, than I should judge myself and go into energetic self-manipulation because I am 'guilty' and should 'feel bad' for what I had 'failed to do' and to take that experience of 'failure' personally as though it were real when all that I required to do was breathe and correct what requires to be corrected, and move on, and within this stop feeding the mind/backchat and stop giving away my time and energy to self-abuse and diminishment.

This is important because the time we have here in our physical reality is limited from the perspective of each of us having only so much 'time' in our physical bodies due to the way we have been participating within the mind and therelationship that has developed over the years between our physicalbody and the mind consciousness systems within us – thus it is vital that we utilize our time to the utmost effectiveness and not allow ourselves to be bogged down by backchat where there is so much we are able to do when we are here as BREATH.

So if we are having a difficult time with a particular point and finding ourselves procrastinating and diminishing or if we are just having one of those 'shitty days' where everything seems to go wrong and one just wants to 'give up' and collapse and let it all 'go to hell', rather push ourselves to STOP and not create any more hell within ourselves – because the hell within ourselves is becoming the hell we see in the world – as within, so without.

Ok – so applying this for myself and flagging the trigger point of thoughts in relation to 'this is not working' or 'this is too much', so that I stop myself in those moments instead of only stopping when the trigger has been 'pulled' and I am already at the stage of procrastination and reaction and playing the game 'excuses, excuses'.

For more perspective on effectively identifying these points and applying self-forgiveness and self-corrective application join us at http://desteni.org for discussion and feedback.

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