Who am I within my process?
Since my decision to push on the point of moving myself and establishing self trust in each moment- and to establish a general stance/foundation for myself as i walk this process- there has been an overall experience of both stability and conflict lol
the stability is experienced as a realization and integration within myself that all that i face, all that is in my world, is ME, and that all that i am judging or reacting to is MYSELF. thus no matter what happens i am facing myself and if i am facing myself then i am able to use self forgiveness and self corrective application to direct all that is in my world in each moment. the conflict is the realization that all in my world is ME and that indeed i am responsible for ALL of it and must be diligent and disciplined within my application so that i am not allowing myself to participate within excuses and justifications to not actually change myself in the physical.
the point of the physical has also been something i am pushing lately- bringing things to 'the physical' instead of constantly being in my mind trying to figure things out, run simulations within my mind of how things might play out, wanting to plan for every contingency and wanting to know ahead of time what to expect so that i am not actually having to venture 'off the map' and have to actually face who and what i am without my comfort zone and without my programmed self definitions.
at the moment i am working on SLOWING DOWN- and within this i am applying myself within common sense and practicality within walking a disciplined commitment to myself to birth myself as the physical- meaning to not use 'slowing down' as an excuse to not face myself and push myself through my resistances and fears- it is to slow myself down in order to allow myself to walk in specificity and detail within one point at a time so that i am able to be certain and meticulous in a practical way that ensures that i am removing my constructs and self definitions. i am slowing down so that i am able to work faster- i am being gentle so that i can be more brutal withing my application. i am bringing myself fully here within and as breath whenever i notice myself going off into energy and trying to 'rush' and 'catch up' and trying to multi-task several things at once within the desire to be able to be rid of my limitations and patterns and self definitions in an instant without having to actually walk in detail and specificity each point from it's inception to it's conclusion.
of great assistance was Sunette's recent video "Dropping the SS's out of Stress and Rest" wherein she gives great assistance on the point of stress and how we are prone to speed up and cause physical strain when we are under stress, and also points out the practicality of slowing down in order to give ourselves the opportunity to be here and not tax ourselves unnecessarily.
Another of Sunette's videos from desteni productions was particularly assisting for me as well within this application and it is aptly named "Noooo...... it's too much!" lol
Who I am within my process is becoming more dedicated, more stable. There is an affirmation within myself that I will walk this no matter what- that I am currently a systematic being who is bound by self definitions and mind constructs, but this is a temporary condition until I release myself from these constructs or until I am dead. Within pushing the point of Self Acceptance and embracing myself as who and what i currently am within the understanding and commitment to self that i shall move and direct myself to release myself from my current self definitions and limitations, there is far less conflict and judgment within myself- where i am simply here doing what is here to be done as i walk my application of removing my limitations one by one- realizing that i have a difficult and lengthy process ahead of me, but secure and satisfied that i shall do whatever it takes and that i will not give up on myself.
there has been within me the pattern of wanting to have everything done, or to constantly seek to have guarantees that all will be perfect before allowing myself to commit to anything. often i have used the excuse of 'it won't turn out the right way' in order to not actually even give myself a chance. i see this is a system that serves the purpose of keeping me within my self definitions and limitations instead of me pushing through absolutely to the point of self will.
many points have been revealed within myself in the past few days as i commit myself to sharing myself, my process, and walking without judgment and exposing all parts of myself with Lindsay within the application of our agreement. the degree of support and assistance for myself has been amazing- the foundation of support that i give to myself within my participation with Lindsay has been very effective within establishing for myself where i stand in my process. i see that in committing to walk process to the utmost with another as an equal is a statement and outflow of me having made the commitment to walk my process to the utmost with myself. herein, the support and assistance that i have with Lindsay is the support and assistance i have with myself.
i see how i have in the past defined myself within the self definition of 'not being able to handle my process' and believing that i will not 'make it' in the disciplined walk to self perfection and removing these limitations of the mind consciousness system and my structural resonance- but i see now within self honesty that those perceptions of limitations are indeed only my own perceptions. it is up to me whether i make those perceptions real or not- whether i will give in to them or not.
yes, i have many many points that have not been removed or completely cleared up. yes i am a systematic and programmed system being that is not yet living within self direction and self will in each moment. yes, i have a difficult and challenging process ahead of me that will require that i expose all of myself and let go of everything i have known and within this i shall have to step into the absolute unknown armed with nothing but self forgiveness. but within all of this there is now a sense of balance and stability that was not present before. within the physical act of committing myself to move and direct myself and placing myself exactly where i have resistances and fears- and seeing that i remain and am able to push through- i have in a way cemented and confirmed for myself my own standing within my process- that i will not give up even though i have points where i feel like i want to- and ESPECIALLY when i feel like i want to stop and give in and go back to the matrix- it is to realize that these experiences of resistance and discomfort and being on that brink of wanting to give in and give up is exactly the point where i must be and stand- because it is only there at the very edge of myself that i am able to see where my programming and limitation ends and life actually begins.
so i shall walk and breathe and face my resistances- and within this i shall not run or hide or deny the points that exist within me- the points that i have separated myself from and require to walk through- and within this i do not and will not go into energetic thoughts or reactions of 'this is too much' or 'i cannot deal with all of this', and simply to start working one point at a time, to unravel and untangle and sort out the jungle within me not by pulling and tugging and wrestling with each and every point that i see and getting myself caught up in the mess of trying to sort it all out at once, but to allow myself to slow down and be diligent with one point at a time- to completely sort myself out and stand within the realization that this is a process that will take the rest of my life- and in each moment i must walk this dedication- and never look back or want it to be done 'faster' than what i am able to practically do in each moment. and within this, there is certainty that i WILL get through my points as long as i continue to move, push, direct myself in each moment.