Ignorance is NOT Bliss

Joe Kou 5/3/2012

Here I am looking at the point of “ignorance is bliss” which has existed as an excuse and justification in this world for many many years and has been one of the key points that has allowed the proliferation of abuse and atrocity within this world because the living of this statement “ignorance is bliss” whether a person is consciously aware of living this statement or not, is creating a false reality bubble in which those in a position within the current world who have access to money and are able to purchase and maintain private bubbles of alternate realities are the very manifestation of this 'bliss' while the rest of the world are simply disregarded and ignored as the IGNORANCE part of this “bliss” equation.

So here I am going to break the point down as I deconstruct how I see and experience this point of “ignorance is bliss” within the world.

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Firstly, the kind of 'bliss' that one is able to have is only able to exist if there is it's opposite – so if bliss is a state of pleasure, of calm, of serenity, then there must exist in this world the reality of displeasure, of stress, of chaos. We can see this very easily manifested in the world wherein those who have money are able to have 'bliss' and represent the “BLISS” part of the equation because they have the luxury of being IGNORE-ANT – they have the luxury to ignore the actual cost of their lifestyle and the suffering of untold billions on this planet and regard them as ANTS to be stepped on without consideration as if they weren't even there to begin with – while at the other side of the equation we have those who are the IGNORED – the billions on this planet who have their lives completely locked downand suppressed due to the current setup of the economic and monetary system which has been designed specifically to allow those with money to ignore those who do not, and to force those without money to work and be slaves and produce the very bubbles that allow the elite to entertain themselves in their private heavens. (A great interview is available on http://eqafe.com that speaks on this point of how 'positivity' is never an effective counter to the 'darkness' within self - Check it out )

The “bliss” that is able to be had by the elites of the world who have money and are able to simply purchase their survival and comfort and safety can only exist as long as the bubble is maintained – as long as the money that is used to secure these alternate realities of safety and comfort remains the primary force within this reality, those with money will always ignore the plight and suffering of those without – because it is really like two different worlds – two entirely different dimensions that do not cross each other and yet depend on each other and form a relationship of polarity in which one cannot exist without the other.  

The rich and the elite will likely never experience the suffering and hardship of having to survive without money and having to either be a wage slave or resort to crime and/or violence in order to obtain the necessary resources for survival, and those who are ignored in the world system will likely never have access to infrastructure or support that will allow them to better themselves, educate themselves, and be able to produce a better standard of living beyond slavery or lawlessness – because in order for the bliss to exist – in order for those with money to keep their illusionary reality – those without money must never be allowed to have the same access or the same quality of life because that would threaten the value and power of money – and if the value and power of money is ever thrown out of balance then the entire world system that has been built by money would essentially collapse and will have to face the harsh reality that all that has ever existed as that bliss – as that world of comfort and luxury – has been a terrible lie that has come at an inexcusable cost to the quality and dignity of life not just for the human beings who were the IGNORED, but for environment and the entire infrastructure of the world that has equally been IGNORED for the sake of keeping the 'bliss' alive for those who were able to afford it.

Therefore no real 'bliss' has ever existed in this world – all that has existed has been a system that generates the illusion of comfort and security while masking and hiding the cost of that lifestyle from those who can afford it, and externalize the cost onto those who do not have any money at all and yet are made to suffer and work and be slaves to the system that ensures their continued servitude and suppression so that the rest of humanity is able to maintain it's bubble, protected and kept safe from the abuse.

Who I am within “Ignorance is Bliss”

Within my own life I have lived this very point of ignorance wherein I did not actually consider the COST of the kind of lifestyle I have access to and concerned myself instead with only the PRICE – as in how much money it would take for me to buy a certain kind of luxury – not ever taking into consideration the time, the resources, and the lives of countless billions who will be affected by my continued participation in this economic setup and not caring because I do not have to see them, I do not have to face them, I do not have to explain to them in person why so many of them do not have access to toilets or fresh water or basic medical supplies or even access to a basic education while I am able to take all of these things for granted because I have access to money and they do not – thus I have lived in deliberate IGNORANCE of the massive problem that is here in our reality and how I have been a contributor to the abuse and suffering that is here as I pursued my own happiness and individuality and at all COSTS sought to maintain my bubble of bliss so that I never had to see the actual world or the abuse and suffering that exists because of the lifestyle that I am demanding yet refusing to give to others.

All of this because of the current setup of our money system and the failure to recognize reality due to how extensively we have been sheltered and 'protected' from our consequences through the use and abuse of the money system which was supposed to be a system used for our convenience but has instead become the very masters of our own reality – because as one looks deeper within this point of “ignorance is bliss” we miss out on the fact that even those of us we are fortunate enough to have access to “bliss” because we have access to money are STILL victims of the ignorance of the ruling elites who have absolutely NO regard for life or for our betterment but require that we accept our “bliss” and be thankful for our opportunity to exploit the rest of the world and keep the rest of the world as our slaves. We are also IGNORED by those who benefit from our labor and from our participation in this system in which we must continually purchase and consume and drive up more and more demand and use up more and more resources and IGNORE more and more humans who must suffer for our “bliss”.

NONE OF THIS IS NECESSARY – and it is an eventuality that reality will burst the bubble that is currently created by money and the abuse of money – it is an eventuality that this system no longer be able to function as the last reserves of resources and slaves are used up and the bubbles are no longer properly fed and maintained by the constant flow of money which we already see falling apart and buckling in the world system.

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Thus I begin with ending within myself the point of “ignorance is bliss” and establish a new foundation for myself as I walk this life and commit myself to bringing forth an ACTUAL bliss that is able to be lived and expressed by ALL – and does not require IGNORANCE as part of the equation.

Self Forgiveness on the point of “Ignorance is Bliss”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak the words “ignorance is bliss” without taking into full consideration the consequences of living that statement and the kind of world that results when we as human beings ignore what is here in order to see only our own versions of reality and to exist in personal bubbles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the statement “ignorance is bliss” when I have money and am able to purchase my bliss and have the luxury of being able to ignore the actual conditions of life that billions are currently having to face each day due to beings living the statement “ignorance is bliss” as though being ignorant of what is here absolves a person from responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a system in which those with money are able to purchase and maintain a personal bubble of bliss and to never question or challenge the validity of this bliss when the physical world reflects a reality that is far from bliss in any way and is in fact self-destructing and diminishing life in every way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hear the phrase 'ignorance is bliss' and to accept that phrase as part of my acceptances and allowances and to believe that if I ignore a problem it will simply 'not exist' and eventually somebody else will take care of it or it will just 'sort itself out' when that which is here is ALREADY HERE and will not go away like magic and will remain here until we face and direct that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress within me all of the points that I see are abusive within this world and are not supporting us to realize who we are within oneness and equality and to 'go with the flow' in order to maintain my own survival and comfort and illusion of 'bliss' within my self-imposed and deliberate ignorance of consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to close my eyes to this reality and run off into my own mind so that I am able to entertain myself within my own versions of reality because I have access to money and to believe that I am able to disregard and ignore the billions of human beings on this planet that are a part of the expression of ME as life and to not in any way care or consider the kinds of 'life' they must endure within the world we are currently creating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take into full consideration the cost of what is here and the kind of lifestyles that I participate in in terms of how it affects the lives of all and whether all are able to equally participate and have access to the things that I have access to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that bliss is able to exist if there are those who are suffering and not able to participate or develop or expand themselves and are literally slaves within the system that are barely able to survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I have money and do not have to worry about my next meal, take for granted the billions who are now still starving, believing that if I simply disregard them and do not look at them and focus on doing what I have to do to just support myself and get 'ahead' in the system and look after my own survival, then it is somehow justifiable to pretend that the abuse and suffering of others as myself is able to be ignored because I am apparently 'too busy'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the billions who are now suffering and in desperate need of a total change within the system that will enable them to restore themselves as life and to walk within and as dignity and honor as the life that they are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use money as a 'buffer' between myself and poverty and having to face or deal with those who are living in poverty instead of aligning myself to do whatever it takes and use the money that is here to support myself and others to stand up and bring forth a new system that will forever end the 'ignorance is bliss'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that nothing can be done about the situation of the world and that it would be easier for me if I just let it go and pretend that I do not see and that I am not aware of the suffering that exists even though I myself participate in the very same system of abuse each and every day and the problems of our current system are always HERE, “in my face”, because it is impossible to actually ignore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not see something or simply suppress it deep enough, I will not have to actually deal with it or face who I am within it because it is already HERE and cannot be made “not here” and will not just go away if I refuse to look at it.

Self Forgiveness – The “Ignorance is Bliss” as addiction to ego

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to ignorance and suppression which I have used to maintain my own version of reality as well as maintain the personalities and self beliefs that I have defined myself as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that everything is 'fine' as long as I am getting what I want and I am directly suffering.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to employ deliberate ignorance as self-dishonesty wherein I will see a point that requires to be directed and corrected and instead of taking responsibility for the point, rather suppress the point instantly and try to busy myself with other points and distract myself and convince myself that things are okay and that I do not need to do anything about it and eventually it will 'work itself out'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed ignorance to exist within and as me as a tactic to not take responsibility for the world that I am creating.

CORRECTION -

I see and realize that “bliss” is not real and cannot be real unless it applies for all life within what is best for all and that anything that is not aligned within what is best for all cannot possibly produce real 'bliss'.

I see and realize trying to avoid or suppress that which is happening in the world in terms of the abuse and suffering that occurs each day will not make these problems go away and that there is no way to in fact hide from the consequences of what we are doing because the consequences are already manifested HERE and will not disappear without directive correction and intervention to align the points in this world that are causing separation, inequality, and suffering.

When and as I see/notice myself in an experience of “ignorance is bliss” I stop and bring myself back HERE within the realization that ignorance is never bliss and bliss can never be real until it is here as a living expression within all life.

I commit myself to not uttering the phrase 'ignorance is bliss' or allowing that phrase to exist within me as backchat or justification.

I commit myself to stop hiding from the problems of the world or believing that things might be okay just because I have a moment of stability and have some access to money and am able to afford the luxury of my survival when billions of others cannot.

I commit myself to never settling for personal 'bliss' or the idea that things might be okay just because I am for a moment able to be comfortable. I do not rest until all are here within oneness and equality where dignity and honor is restored to ALL LIFE.

I commit myself to bring forth a world in which bliss is not lived within the private bubbles of the mind or in the private bubbles those who have money are able to afford, but rather bliss would be the manifestation of and expression of realizing that we are all here and we are one and equal – and that all deserve to exist in comfort, security, and dignity – thus 'bliss' is no longer a polarity word but simply a description of our oneness and equality recognized and lived in every way.

Self-Forgiveness - “Bliss” and it's definitions as I have lived them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word “bliss” within attaching the energetic feeling of warmth and 'comfort' and 'security' onto the word in separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate feelings of warmth and comfort and security onto the word “Bliss”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the word “bliss” to be a trigger point within me that brings up the experience of 'warmth', 'comfort', and 'security' when such points are not equal and one practical expressions in this world that all are equal within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the word “bliss” as a personal and private experience within myself where I am 'fine' and everything is perfect within my idealized word because I am for a moment not having to deal with or face the actual and practical reality of what is here in the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project a false and energetically based definition and picture upon the word 'bliss' and to live the word 'bliss' in separation from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the word “bliss” to energetic charges of feeling 'warmth', 'comfort', and 'security' that are not in fact based on practical reality but rather based on memories and experiences.

Redefining the word “Bliss”

“Bliss” - Noun

1. supreme happiness; utter joy or contentment: wedded bliss.
2. Theology . the joy of heaven.
3. heaven; paradise: the road to eternal bliss.
4. Archaic . a cause of great joy or happiness.

Sounding the word -

“Be Less” - Wherein one is being less than the experience one is having within the mind – where the euphoria of 'happiness' and feeling safe, secure, and comfortable in one's world becomes a mind possession and one is in such a moment of possession being LESS than life. Thus to exist in “Be-Less” is a mental delusion when the state of the world is not in fact a state of safety, comfort, or security for all one and equal.

Considerations -

“Bliss” does not have to be a word that is charged with a polarity – it is only when the idea of 'bliss' becomes individualized within self-interest of the mind that it becomes lived as a mental delusion where one is not in fact here looking at or working with the practical physical reality but rather is entertaining ideas of 'happiness' and personal gratification – thus creating the polarity due to separating oneself from and ignoring what is HERE.

New Definition -

“Bliss” -

1. The state of oneness and equality wherein all are taken into consideration within what is best for all.
2. The state of existence in which there is no conflict or abuse due to separation or disregard which allows the expression of life to exist in a context of security and comfort with the practical assistance and support of all parts of life.
3. A state of existence as a whole only able to be achieved as a whole within what is best for all.

I commit myself to bring forth a world in which “Bliss” is the manifestation of and externalization of oneness and equality wherein all life is taken into consideration and the experience of bliss is not based on energetic polarities or alternate realities within the individual minds of beings.

I commit myself to do whatever it takes do ensure that “Bliss” ends as an energetic possession within the mind where one projects into or creates the feeling of 'happiness' and 'blissfulness' while in separation from the actual world that is here and not considering if the bliss one experiences is in fact a living reality in all ways.

I commit myself to point out and expose the false 'bliss' that is an impostor to the actual bliss that all life within and as existence has a 'right' to but is denied due to the extent of separation and self-interest that has been allowed to divide and disregard the inherent honor and dignity and equality of life.

SF - Desiring Relationship and Male Ego

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in desiring to have a female
partner and within this particpation to allow thoughts of sex and relationship and intimacy with
women that i find attractive within my mind

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i require to have a
relationship with another in order to accept myself and be okay with my experience of myself
because i have defined myself as not being 'enough' and not being 'worthy' in and of myself.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to find thin women with long dark hair
particularly attractive and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed
myself to separate myself from women who are thin and have long dark hair within my own
ego projecting my own thoughts and pictures based on their physical presentation, which then
immediately disregards their actual expression here one and equal as me

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself because of the addiction
to thoughts and energy as pictures and fantasies within and as my mind when seeing a young
woman and accessing myself within my mind and generating thoughts and pictures and desires within
my back-chat yet trying to pretend that i am 'innocent' so that the young women do not actually
know the real truth of me as what i am participating in.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for myself when
i notice myself having points of desire or secret backchat when seeing young women.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want a young woman to be my sexual
partner so that i can then feel better about myself and be able to accept myself as a man
because i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a man must be sexually active and
have a partner in order to be acceptable in this world

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i require to have a
female partner in my life that is attractive so that other men will see that i have an attractive
partner and will thus respect me because men with attractive partners are successful

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to associate being a man and being successful
with having the perceived status that comes with having an attractive female partner

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be envious and jealous of other men
who have partners that i would like to have for myself.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist at envy and jealousy toward other
men who have female partners because i want to experience the energy and ego boost which i have
attached to the idea of having a female partner and being able to let the world know that i
am indeed a man, that i am capable, that i have an attractive partner, and that this means
i should be respected and feared because i actually experience myself as inferior and weak

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire having a female partner as
a status symbol so that i can then instill and impress upon others, particularly other men, that
i am not to be fucked with or disrespected because i am a capable man.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up within and as self worth and
self respect and thus seek to be respected and valued by others outside of myself.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to try to suppress and hide my experience of
fear, insecurity, anxiety, and inferiority by attempting to create myself to be the image and symbol
of a man who is secure, confident, and capable, which i have defined and associated with the
picture and idea of a man having an attractive female partner, having a good job and having money, and being
respected and feared by others.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from females and in particular
young women due to seeing them as objects of status and desire for my personality and ego in order
to survive as the 'male' persona.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire having an attractive female partner
as a distraction so that i can simply experience the energy of emotions, sexual desires, and relying on another
in order to experience myself as loved, accepted, adored, respected, valued.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire for a female partner who will
care for me, love me, accept me, fulfill my desire for intimacy and sex, and allow me to continue
existing as the ego/personality designs of me so that i do not have to actually stand up and
face myself in self honesty and can remain hiding behind the energetic experiences of having a relationship
and satisfying the role of the 'successful man'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire for women to find me sexually attractive and
want to be with me and boost my ego

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire for a woman to want to be with me so that i can then say that i am a man and that i am valued and that i am acceptable because an
attractive woman wants to be with me, and this means i am then better than any man who does not
have an attractive partner and that i am at least equal to the mean who do have attractive partners.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compete with other men within the belief that
i must be better than them or at least equal to them if i am to survive in this world.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself as life within desiring to
be better than others and wanting to compete with other male egos in order for me to experience
the 'victory' of finally becoming a man - when in fact this is only feeding my ego as mind as i participate
in thoughts and pictures and emotions instead of being here, stable, as life, directing myself within
what is here instead of being directed by ideas and beliefs and comparing myself to others.

i realize that the more i allow myself to participate in the fantasy of having an attractive
female partner as a status symbol and as a substitute for self acceptance, self intimacy, and self worth,
the more i will actually diminish myself as life in the pursuit of those desires.

i realize that the more i allow myself to look at women and secretly entertain thoughts of wanting to
be with them, wanting them to have sex with me, wanting them to be my partner so that i can
show them off to the rest of the world in order to prove that i am a man and that i am to be
respected, the more i will manifest for myself the consequence of not living as self respect and self value

when i see a young woman and notice myself desiring to be with them or looking at them and picturing them
naked or wondering how i could get them to be with me, i stop, and i bring myself back here and realize that in that
moment, when accepting and allowing such thoughts of desire, i am separating myself from that woman and
i am allowing myself to diminish myself as well as being dishonest with that being because i am
having secret thoughts and picture fantasies about them without their 'permission'.

i am one and equal to the beings that are here and this means that each time that i allow myself to
lust after another being within my secret mind, i am actually dishonoring and abusing myself through
and as the mind.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from women within seeing them
as objects of conquest and objects to fulfill my inner desires instead of seeing them as one and
equal to and as myself.

i forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to fully consider the position of women and
fully consider the dignity and expression and life essence of women as one and equal to and as myself.

when i see and notice myself having points of attraction to another woman or having thoughts of wanting
a partner based on the pictures and images within and as my mind as desires, i stop and realize
that they are in fact the same exact substance as me - and that any relationship being formed is
of the mind and is my own point being projected outwards in separation - where i am not seeing
the other as a physical human body here in expression as what it is, but rather as what i am desiring that
other to be in order to satisfy my personal fantasies.


who am i and what would i be if i never have a partner? who am i and what will i be if i never
experience having another to walk with and be with?

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist being with myself

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will think that there
is something wrong with me if i do not have a partner

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire having a partner in order to fit in
and not be an outcast in society

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear loneliness

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from loneliness within
defining loneliness as something that is looked down upon and is to be avoided because there must
be something wrong with people who are lonely and are not able to have a partner in their life

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is something wrong with me
because i do not have a partner in my life

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to be with me, myself, alone for the rest of
my life when in fact i am always with me, myself, alone, even if there is a partner in my life.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire and wait for a partner to '
be with before i accept myself and support myself and move myself.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself and within this doubt
desire to have a partner that will assist and support me.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to fit in with the rest of society because
i do not trust or accept myself to stand alone no matter what and thus want society to find me acceptable

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i cannot walk my life
and support myself and be capable of standing without a partner.

within this i realize that it is practical and supportive to have a partner in one's life when it is an
agreement and the support for each other is not coming from a starting point of lack or dependency, but rather
an equal and one understanding and support between two beings who agree to walk together and support each other

i realize that who i am and what i stand for must not change whether or not i walk with or without a partner

i realize that when considering what is here, it is preferable to walk process with another in an effective agreement because
the support allows both to face points more effectively if the agreement is stable and effective.

i realize that an agreement must not change who i am - that i must remain no matter what.

I stop. I take responsibility for the thoughts I participate in in regards to desiring women and participating in secret
fantasies and desires based on the image and physical presentation of women. Whether i have a partner or not, I walk, I
stand, i change. i will not wait for an 'ideal partner' to manifest in my world because i realize and understand
that no such thing exists. i determine in each moment the quality of me, and any relationship
that i participate in is a reflection of who i am and what i am accepting and allowing in and of
myself - thus my primary point is self - purifying self and ensuring that self is stable, that i am self honest and that
i am self-trust - so that i do not compromise myself for anything less than what is best for all - and from there
i walk the relationships of my world instead of trying to make relationships happen in separation out of desire and ideals that
i myself am not the example of, that i myself am not living.

on 'insecurity' and working as a canvasser for the democratic party

Insecurity is something that i have existed within and as for most of my life - existing within the self-belief that i am 'inadequate' and 'not good enough' - which are the excuses and justifications i would use to justify and explain how/why i am not responsible for changing myself - within this i am able to blame my childhood, blame society, blame my family, blame anything and anyone in order to not actually have to push myself and be the directive principle, and within this i am then able to remain safe in the comfort zone and continue my existence of limitation wherein i constantly and continuously find ways to abdicate myself and limit myself.

the way this has played out is i will see a situation where i have not pushed myself or expanded myself effectively, and will create a fear/resistance toward that point, making that point bigger than myself and allowing self to believe that self is inferior and 'incapable' of standing within that point - so in essence already giving up and accepting 'failure'. then when the point is here in my actual reality to deal with, i draw upon my previous assessment of myself and continue to allow the justification/excuses and the self-definition of inferiority to determine who i am - and within this compounding the point of 'i am not good enough' and 'i have faced this before and i kept failing, so this time i will only fail again' - which is a very vicious cycle to exist within - as it compounds the insecurity and fear more and more each time i do not push myself through the point.

the fascinating thing is that the point is NEVER as hard or difficult as my mind portrays it to be - and i see that when i support myself with self-writing, self-forgiveness, and making the decision within and as self to change and stop a pattern, i am able to face the point within a state of relaxedness - knowing that i have not yet fully accumulated the self-directive will to stop a pattern completely, but i am moving myself within correcting myself - and realizing that i am NOT my mind - that the self-definitions of me as ego/mind/consciousness are not in fact real - and that change is not only possible but inevitable within consistency and dedication - not allowing self to fear the fears that i have accepted in the past - and to push self to EMBRACE the fear, stand as the fear, and release the fear - and to not look back.

what i have been doing is being aware of self when i am participating in the pattern of fear/anxiety/nervousness/insecurity - and allowing self to EMBRACE what is going on within me and breathe, slow myself down, and stop participating in the thoughts that have triggered/activated the experience of fear/anxiety/nervousness within self, and to face the point even if i am not fully 'clear' in that moment. to push myself to participate even though i am still nervous and have points of resistance - within realizing that the nervousness and anxiety will not just disappear overnight from writing and self-forgiveness alone - that i must actually move myself in the physical to prove that i am not in fact anymore allowing the fear/anxiety to control/direct self.

what i am realizing as well is the importance of NOT JUDGING SELF as well as not reacting to my own reactions such as disappointment, shame, guilt, self-judgment, self-doubt, etc... as those devices will only further compound the point that i am working through - and will create more layers for me to have to walk through. so it is an application of humbleness, self-forgiveness, patience, breathing through the resistances, and not defining myself through the past, not limiting myself within the times where i 'fell' and did not transcend a point - to see that this is a process and to simply keep moving.

as for the point of insecurity, it is currently still an 'active' point where i am catching myself participating in projecting into the future and creating stress and anxiety over 'failing' or not being able to do something good enough - specifically at the moment i am having some fears around getting a job and being able to hold on to the job - having previously defined myself as a 'worker' and now experiencing myself as 'unemployed' there has been a point of wanting to return to the comfort/stability within the self-definition of 'worker' - which is simply another form of enslavement wherein i am limiting self and existing within a personality/ego manifestation of 'worker'.

within this there is also the aspect of fearing not having an income of my own - fearing that once my current savings runs out, i will 'suffer' and within this fearing not having money which i have accociated with support, stability, and 'safety'.

so here i support myself within self-forgiveness on the point of 'insecurity' within getting a job and getting an income as well as my points of anxiety/separation within possibly working for the democratic party

On 'insecurity'-

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am 'insecure', and that 'insecurity' is something that happens 'to' me.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as 'insecure'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within thoughts of 'failure' and self-judgment and self-doubt within believing that i am not 'worthy' or 'effective' enough to be able to support myself.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear failures and mistakes, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is not acceptable to make mistakes or to not be perfect in all things that i take on right away.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to project into the future within my thoughts and believing that i will not be 'able' to take on the responsibilities and expectations that come with working as a canvasser within a campaign office when in fact i have not yet even begun to work and have no actual idea of what 'it will take' to do this job well.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself up to impossible and impractical standards and then judge myself for not being that standard - within this allowing the continuance of addiction to mental/emotional energy which is generated within self-judgment

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the experience and energy within self-judgment and 'giving up'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my fear of making mistakes is real

i stop and realize that my fear of making mistakes is simply an energy addiction wherein i am constantly generating and resonating the point of 'insecurity' and self-limitation, thus constantly creating and experiencing such events - and within this not realizing that i am looping myself and diminishing myself with each cycle.

when and if i see/notice myself participating in the point of fearing to make a mistake, fearing being seen making a mistake, fearing that i am not 'good enough' to do something effectively, i stop, breathe, and realize the simple common sense practicality of no human being was EVER simply just 'perfect' and effective at what they do - that all have to face an initial point of making mistakes and making adjustments, and that it is ridiculous to expect self to be perfect at something that self has not practiced or trained or become equal to.


on income -

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having an income to support myself with and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having an income with which i am able to experience security, stability, and self-worth

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self-worth and self-value in each moment, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define my worth through my ability to purchase my comforts and entertainment with money.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i will not enjoy/value self if i do not have an income or money

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having money, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept the belief that the idea of money is 'real'.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within thoughts of wanting money in order to feel more secure and acceptable within society

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am not as capable of surviving if i do not have a steady job and stable income.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough money to support myself

i stop. i am in a situation where i am being supported and i do not need to fear for survival within having money. i am in a situation where i have time and can apply myself within other things and do not need to stress over whether or not my next paycheck can cover my living expenses. within this i am responsible for getting a job, getting an income, and supporting myself just as before, but i do not need to participate within fear and anxiety if i do not find work right away.

i am not in a situation where my survival is in any real danger.

on the points related to the possible job with the democratic party -

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within thoughts of 'i am not good enough' and 'i am not able to pull this off' when considering the point of working for the Democratic Party

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is 'special' to work for the democratic party

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate experiencing myself as diminished if i do not get the job with the democratic party

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that working for the democratic party will in and of itself make me a better/stronger/more effective person within politics

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to place value within getting a job with the democratic party, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts of what i could do/have/gain access to within working for the democratic party

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to 'prove' myself within getting the job at the democratic party

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am a 'failure' if i do not get the job

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if i do not get the job then it means that i am unacceptable and something is 'wrong' with me.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seek validation and acceptance within getting the job.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within energy and thoughts of 'it would be so cool to infiltrate the democratic party and work my way up to a point of influence'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire working my way up through the democratic party as a point of self-validation, wherein i project self-worth and self-value upon being successful within the job and 'moving up'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have the job from a starting-point of wanting validation within being an 'infiltrator' within a political party

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire participating in the intrigue and sense of 'specialness' within me working for a political party

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my 'way in' to the political arena depends on me doing this one particular job - within this not realizing that i am limiting myself and participating in a desire/belief instead of actually moving myself in each moment to accumulate what is in fact best for all and what will be the best/most effective placement of myself and my skills within the context of all.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i must be a politician and enter politics as my way to stand for what is best for all - as though by just being a 'politician' i will have 'proven' myself when in fact i am only participating in my own self-interest/desire.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create a sense of specialness within working as a canvasser and possibly moving up to be a field manager - and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create an expectation that this job will 'open doors' for me.

i stop. this job is simply a job, and i will make of it what i make of it as i walk. i stop participating in anticipation, expectation, and and desire within the point of possibly working for the democratic party as a canvasser/field manager.

My role and responsibility in the great energy ponzi scheme

My role within the problem of existence and the consequences of energy addiction.

Initially we existed in terms of physical energy- physical beings that emerged from the planet of our origin. We existed as physical energy that would return to it's source- return to the planet and reintegrate fully back to the planet of our origin. Physical reality and time did not exist as it does today.

Yet within the individualization of ourselves as emerged beings from these planets we formed perspectives and opinions within our expression and began to hold these points of view as having value, and thus began to compare and fight for the validity of our points of view between ourselves. Here, we created the entity that we know now as the mind- a projection of our points of view- a projection of our opinions and beliefs- forming a separate energy based on the actual physical energy and substance- but never returning back to the source. This separate energy exists from the friction and 'fusion' resulting in holding 'individual' points of view, individual opinions and beliefs, individual 'minds' which clash and result in forming an energetic entity- which we now know as 'personality'.

This separate and individual energy resulting from individualized expressions holding on to and assigning value to their own perspectives is not the original source energy from which we emerged from our planets of origin. This separate energy is a manifestation of the mind and cannot exist without friction and cannot exist without the actual physical substance from which this separate and individual energy is derived.

This was the case before the plan set forth by Anu and his coterie of would be gods. Thus it is irrelevant to place blame upon Anu for what he implemented, as Anu was simply using what was already here in terms of our own self willed enslavement to our own minds- to our staunch self definitions as individual beings not willing to release and let go of the energy addiction that has consumed the physical reality for billions of years.

HOW is the question I am standing here with at this moment. HOW did I allow myself to participate in this for so very long, to such an extent that I have completely lost all of who and what I am in exchange for a momentary experience within a separate energy existing within my own mind, destined to diminish and remain nothing more than the echo of a thought that once possessed substance? HOW did I come to be here, in the way I am at this moment, having existed as nothing more than pictures and symbols created from energy which must be siphoned from the actual physical living substance that is here?

I am responsible for this as much as Anu or anyone else. I am just as 'guilty' of having defined myself by my opinions and beliefs and point of view. I am responsible because I was equal in my participation of allowing myself as a being to live through this separate energy that cannot sustain itself and must be taken from what is already here.

Thus I am responsible for everything in this current reality- all and every playout of my own energy and mind addiction and self definition within 'individuality' as a separate being seeking only my own gratification within self interest wherein 'self' is believed to be a unique and sovereign being separate from the rest of existence.

Questions such as 'can it really be this way' and 'how do I know' are evidence of how lost I have become within the reasoning and logic of my mind, my personal definitions and symbols attempting to create a world that exists at my convenience, disregarding all that must be consumed in order for me to have such questions exist within myself.

For myself I see that I have extensively participated within going into my mind and creating thoughts, pictures, fantasies, beliefs, opinions and alternate realities in which I dwell in order to have an experience of myself that I prefer to have over what is already here. I have participated extensively within creating scenarios and situations that play out within my secret mind, where I am having relationships with people that do not actually take place here in the actual physical, wherein I am using the energy of the physical- the actual substance of life- to fuel and power my self created alternate worlds in which I am god and master, in which I am able to have any experience of myself I desire to have. I have become addicted to this ability to create 'better' worlds and 'better' experiences to entertain myself within, to live within, to such a degree that I have come to define myself AS the figments of my imaginary lives, identifying myself AS the “joe kou” that I create in my mind with all of the adventures and virtues that I have imbued within my digital, mind created self- disregarding what is here in my reality, and at what cost my flights of fancy have come.

I cannot continue to live as 'joe kou'. I cannot continue to exist within the apparent 'safety' of having private realities and private worlds created within my mind into which I am able to escape. I cannot continue to participate in my energy addiction.

Within me there has been countless excuses and justifications... myriad ways through which I have given myself 'logical' and 'reasonable' self manipulation, consistently finding ways to hide and abdicate actual responsibility and actual consideration for life. I have abused myself within this process by participating within these excuses and justifications- and I did this because I did not want to let go of my energy addiction and my ability to create alternate worlds and fantasies and to exist as a being that I am not in fact.

Simplistically, I must stop. I will no longer participate and allow myself to hold on to energy and creating emotional experiences for myself in order to not face what is here in each breath and in each moment, considering what I am doing to this reality within my participation. In this moment and every moment until this is done I must be diligent and stop myself each and every time I go into energy and mind or go into excuses or wanting to hold on to a point of view or perspective. I am not my perspective. I am not my point of view. I am not my personality. There is only ONE point of view that is valid, and that point of view is what is here in this moment without bias, judgment, opinion, belief, ideals, emotions, or definitions of the mind.

I have said these words to myself before and I have not applied them. I have not stood as the living word within self correction and self will and thus I now must face the consequences by having to loop myself back to this point of dedication. I must stop fucking around because this is not a game.

Speaking empty words will only trap me into being an empty being. Words are not simply noises symbolizing concepts. Words and living words are what build this reality. Thus I must establish this point of self will absolutely so that my word can be trusted- so that I can be trusted.

I have fallen on this point- and it is not acceptable to remain fallen within this. Thus to will myself to get back up knowing that I have compounded this for myself, that I will and must walk this absolutely until I stop falling.

Context exists HERE. Change exists HERE. Life exists HERE. All that is here in this moment is what I require to direct and perfect myself within. All that is here in this moment is all that I am able to actually direct and perfect myself within. Anything else would be another picture- another thought- another opinion I am accepting and allowing myself to be directed by.

Words here are not enough. Writing a blog is not enough. Watching desteni videos and making vlogs is not enough. Simply stating that I commit to something is not enough. Speaking knowledge and information is not enough. It is not acceptable to make statements without living them. It is not acceptable to speak words that are not living words as the actual manifested expression of myself. It is not acceptable to use words in separation in order to contrive an outcome based on self interest in order to continue to generate and sustain private worlds in which I am god of my own creation, disregarding all that is here.

The mess of this world has been my direct responsibility because I have not spoken living words, but words of deception and self interest- seeking to protect and validate a self image within my mind. At the moment I do not even want to type... I have so separated myself from self trust that I am disgusted now at my words. Yet this disgust is simply a distraction in order for me to participate within an energetic experience of disgust rather than moving myself within practical correction. This is how I continuously loop myself- going into judgment or reactions as a manipulation for myself to participate within energetic emotional experiences instead of directing myself to simply drop all thoughts and energy in the moment- no longer participating in it.

Lindsay has been of continued support- I am seeing that who I am and who she is within this agreement will bring up and expose the deep and 'secret' aspects of myself which must be stopped and let go of. This is exactly where I need to be because I am having so many points come up and being exposed. I am seeing how staunchly I have been guarding these self definitions. I am seeing how invested I had become within my limitations- fighting to preserve them at times. I am also seeing the self interest within having preferences and pictures and ideas about what I would 'like' our agreement to be- which is cool to see because I am starting to notice all of these 'subtle' points of deception within myself.

There are so many points that have been integrated within and as myself at such a level that I am not consciously aware of- they have become automated systems that function without my conscious participation because these patterns have become 'who I am' within what I have been living and accepting myself as- thus these points will be exposed within walking my agreement fully with Lindsay. Within this I am seeing what it takes to walk an effective agreement- and I am seeing why it is necessary for beings to walk their process within agreements- as this is a way to ensure that we are not fucking around within ourselves- and that we are not glossing over points that require direction.

Whenever I go into fears or not trusting myself within this agreement I know that I am in 'the right place'. It is me standing at the place where I am having resistances- me standing at the place where I want to run, hide, quite, give up on myself. It is these places that I require to stand and remain standing- no longer accepting separation or limitation. Whenever the thought arises that “I am not good enough” or “I cannot be trusted”, I know that I am in my mind, defending my self definition within limitation, still holding on to my addiction to energy and creating separate worlds within myself, identifying myself as my personality and as the characters I create within my mind which I have lived in secret. Whenever I have the thought of “I should end this agreement” that is when I know I am accepting limitation and mind- and that is where I must breathe- stand- correct myself- let go of the energy- and continue until it stops- until I stop haunting myself as an energetic ghost and I am able to remain here.

The thoughts of wanting to 'give up' come when I am at a point of wanting to protect an aspect of my secret mind, my personality, my self definition, my 'point of view'. When I feel threatened, that is an indicator for me that I am possessed by a self definition that I am not wanting to 'lose'. Only that which can be deleted- that which is not real- that which has an actual mortality is able to fear 'death' or being 'lost'- thus if I fear to lose it, it will be dead eventually and will be exposed eventually anyway- thus best to expose it and release myself from it.

For myself there has been resistance pushing through the application of sharing myself fully, unconditionally, absolutely, in every moment with Lindsay. I have made my commitment and I have made my decision to walk this agreement without backdoors- and me still resisting sharing myself and exposing myself completely with her IS a backdoor that is not acceptable. This I no longer accept this behavior and no longer accept this manipulation in order to hold on to my self interest within this agreement. In walking this agreement with Lindsay it is no longer about what I prefer. There can exist no preferences within this agreement. We stand within ourselves to the dedication of our lives to birthing ourselves from the physical and to walk our corrective application to self perfection and we will support each other as equals- within this no secrets, no agendas, no holding back is acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'hold back' out of fear of having to let go of my self definitions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within this back door of fearing to expose all of myself out of fear of how lindsay will react.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep walls and barriers up between myself and Lindsay in order for me to have 'space' in which I am still holding on to self interest and ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to walk through and face all of myself exposed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am able to hide from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of 'Lindsay does not trust me” in order to justify me own participation in holding back and not being absolutely unconditional in sharing EVERYTHING that is going on within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to hold on to individuality within my agreement with Lindsay in order to not fully go in to the details of my design as a system and to have 'space' for 'myself'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the ego and personality that I have created within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within excuses and justifications in order to not bring myself to the point of actually integrating and living the change that is necessary when points are brought up and exposed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate and distract myself from actually walking this process and committing myself 100 percent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist committing to something 100 percent due to fear that I may fall and will lose my 'position' in the eyes of others, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making self directive statements out of fear and resistance to actually standing and living the words I speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to the ability to manipulate myself and others in order to get what I want and in order to hold on to myself within my self definitions and limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am 'self honest' when I am still holding on to my self definitions within self interest in order to protect myself from facing my responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking direct control of my life and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to 'handle' myself effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear walking my process with Lindsay 100 percent in full dedication due to self interest and wanting to have things done 'my way'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going to places and doing things where I have resistances in order to continue living within those self limitations as well as to continue existing within energetic experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist changing and remaining here within self application and dedication due to not wanting to let go of creating my own inner worlds with energy that I derive from emotional manipulation of myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use judgment and fear of judgment as covers in order for me to not let go of the energetic experiences I am able to have when I judge myself, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use judgment as a mechanism to further deceive and manipulate myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in doubting myself, wherein I am creating that which I doubt in order to experience the energetic experience and emotion of 'doubt' as an experience of myself within my self definition as ego/personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within fear, wherein I am creating that which I fear and placing myself in a position of inFEARiority in order to justify remaining in my self definition/ego/personality and to be able to experience energetic emotional experiences within myself which validate and feed my self definition/ego/personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within 'happiness' wherein I am creating that which I 'enjoy' and 'like' and 'desire' to be special within separation, which creates friction within my reality and is then turned into energy which I use to experience the energetic experience of 'happiness', 'enjoyment', and 'liking something', which validates and feeds my self definition/ego/personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within 'preferences' in terms of what I would 'prefer' to do with my time and energy, whom I 'prefer' to spend my time and energy with, and how I 'prefer' things to be done in order for me to remain within my comfort zone as my self definition/ego/personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to stop my addiction and to correct myself within this process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be half-hearted within my application within still holding on to preferences and self definitions and only going 'far enough' to be at the brink of my comfort zone and not going any further.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in my limitations and indulge in my emotional self manipulations wherein I am victimizing myself in order to aggrandize my ego and personality within my self definition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear crossing over the threshold of my fears and self definitions, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living my life HERE in each moment instead of having memories and secret mind and energy within myself through which I am creating alternate realities out of self interest.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself or accepted myself to realize and live the realization that pity, emotional self manipulation, and holding on to self definitions is spiteful and is self interest at the cost of what is here in terms of existence in it's totality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist seeing and living the realization of the effect of my own self interest in terms of how it effects all of existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to still have my own 'little world' even after seeing the dishonesty within this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist having to give up all of my 'secret little worlds' because that would mean I would no longer have any control or sense of self within my self definition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within creating excuses, justifications, and blame in order to not face the cost of me creating secret worlds for myself using the actual physical reality and projecting myself into energy that does not return to the source and consumes the physical and disregards life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within creating excuses, justifications, blame, and participating in self manipulation within going into emotional experiences such as pity, depression, victimization, and self deprecation in order to remain within an energetic starting point of existence, wherein I define myself as an energy and not simply here in fact.

Still waters run deep

Opening myself up... it's an easy thing to do alone. Though it becomes immeasurably more difficult when another person is involved.

To actually FACE the truth of who you are. To actually FACE what you've allowed yourself to become... in full vulnerability with another person... now THAT takes some will.

I dared myself to open up... to absolutely honestly face the truth of me with another person... in which I open up totally my deceptions... my games... my secrets... my outright manipulations... down to the very thoughts.

I've never done this before. Not ever. Not like this.

To what extent do I continue to hide myself within my supposed "safety" of secrets and deceptions? What kind of a life is that? Why can I not stand ALWAYS as honesty?

It has been a while since I had a good "hurt" on. Right now it's hurting a bit. But it is not a "woe is me, life is hard, pity pity me me me" hurting. This is the kind of hurt that runs deep... runs to the very core of you. This is the kind of hurt that surfaces when you've excavated far too deeply into the truth of you, and you end up unearthing things you thought you could keep buried forever.

It is different now though... as most things have become rather different for me. The hurting is not a misery... it is an indication... a signal... that I've done exactly as I should if I am to be honest with myself totally. It is a sign that I have indeed stood up to challenge myself.

After totally exposing myself... down to the very thoughts I was having about the person... totally opened up in vulnerability to that person... there was a release I've never known before... but afterward... when the conversation ended and I continued with my "life"... the hurt came.

I found myself attached... I found myself needing to open up again... and I needed... desperately needed to speak to this person again. But within this was the fuckup. I had created something "special" in my mind around this person. I was drawn to that special experience. I had tasted a moment of actually LIVING my process of self honesty... and here I find myself unable to do that with other people in my life... people who "know" me and have pre-existing beliefs about who I am and how I should be.

Still waters run deep.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a "safe haven" with another person to whom I exclusively am able to be totally vulnerable and honest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "miss" the experience of talking to this specialized person, whom I've attributed a greater value to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that want, need, and desire a special relationship in which I can hide from all others.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted or allowed myself to be my own point of stability within self direction and self honesty.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to experience and participate within the construct of "missing" somebody that I have decided to make special.

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Self Recording for Self Assistance- Part 3 - In public

Boy oh boy... lots of buttons got pushed with this one. Pretty cool experience, having to walk with a camera pointed straight out in my face. I also had to speak up so that the camera picked up my voice properly, so I couldn't just talk under my breath.

There were definitely moments of "Oh my fucking god, what the hell am I doing? People must think I'm a nut" going on in my head... which was very cool to push through.

More on this to come.

Self forgiveness and application for "Unworthiness"

It is clear that my application in regards to stopping my accepted constructs of "unworthiness" and "incompetence" have not been effective or specific enough.

So... I am going to go back and pin down where this is coming from and why I am facing it so intensely lately.

My recollection of being "unworthy" comes from my upbringing as a child under the care of my mother, who was an abusive parent. I accepted and allowed a lot of emotional and physical abuse while she raised me. Within this, there have been many moments where I have been told that I was a "mistake", that I am a "failure" or "stupid".


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take in the anger and abuse and emotional pain within and as myself and to not have a proper outlet for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the belief that I am a mistake, a failure, or stupid.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that my mother was acting out her own programming because she too did not have any other outlet for the pains that she endured.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a “victim” of my past and of my childhood experiences of being raised in an “abusive” environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the very manifestation of that which I accepted and allowed myself to become due to my beliefs regarding being incompetent or unworthy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and become my mother’s judgments out of fear of losing her “love” and support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the construct of me being “incompetent” by actually manifesting incompetence within my participation with the world instead of standing up within and as self trust and self direction to NOT submit to the limitation of being “incompetent”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and become the very manifestation of “unworthiness” by actually manifesting my unworthiness within my participation with the world instead of standing up within and as self trust and self direction to NOT submit to the belief that I am “unworthy”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as incompetent and unworthy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in creating moments of my apparent incompetence or unworthiness by allowing events to become “too vast” for me to handle “on my own” and thus allow myself to abdicate myself further.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest myself so fully within the belief of incompetence and unworthiness that I deliberately prevent myself from realizing that I can stand stable within and as self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define events around me as having power over me, and that I cannot control what happens within my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be only the “victim” in the situation of my life instead of actually standing up and taking directive action within self trust.



There were times when each and every day, I was scolded and berated for long periods... sinking in all of the anger from my mother... sinking in all of the judgment. Taking it all into myself and becoming it... actually letting the words and the heated emotions behind them drive into my body and reside there, where I as a child under my mother's care had no outlet... had no means of expressing the pain and anger I was consuming.

Within this, I abdicated myself over to being a "failure"... accepting that I would always be in the "wrong", that I would always be scolded and called all kinds of demeaning names by my own mother, who apparently "knows me best". I accepted the resentment, the regret.

This acceptance grew within me... compounding as me... growing as I grew into adulthood... one and equal within and as my very being. I could do nothing right... I would always need her to correct me and scold me because I could not ever be "right". I could not ever be effective on my own... something was functionally "wrong" with me.

In several areas of my life, i stopped "progressing". I saw my friends "grow" into their lives and move within the world... getting their licenses to drive, getting jobs, going to college, living life. I did not do any of those things. I was not "given" those things and therefore did not allow myself to have them.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will always require assistance from others and will not be able to accomplish anything on my own effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am functionally incapable of taking care of myself and attending to my tasks proficiently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself constantly and continuously by finding others who apparently are able to do things “better” than me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the constructs of not standing up, not taking self responsibility, not realizing myself as stability and self support HERE within and as the physical within and as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly script my “future” by constantly anticipating and fearing failure instead of realizing that in fEARING and am only nEARING the very experiences I do not want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly “give up” on my projects because I do not believe I am “good enough” or “smart enough” to see them through into completion on my own.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that each time I “give up”, I am only compounding and intensifying that which I judge as being “larger than me” and within this, I give more power to that which has “power over me”, even though eventually I will be FORCED to go through this resistance even if it means losing everything.

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by the time i was 22 and still living at home with my mother... dreading each and every day of being in her presence... hating myself and the image i had become... deliberately sleeping in and staying up late at night so as to reduce the time i would actually have to be around her... i decided that i could not continue.

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I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that my mother is acting out of her programming and mind constructs and not actually aware of what she is doing.

I forgive myself that I have judged my mother to have been deliberately abusive and to accept this as her “nature”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto judgment and resentment regarding my mother.

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i decided that i would rather die on the street without support from her or anyone rather than depend on her for my survival in this world. and with that decision, i set up a situation for me to run away from home... and leave my little sister behind.

at 23, i was "homeless". I stayed at the house of a friend... slept on a couch in their living room or on a chair in their computer room, or on the floor. i did this for months, living off of the charity of my friends. eating what i could, when i could.

and then finally moving out into a house with other friends... where i set up a "room" for myself in the living room (there were not enough rooms for me). I hung up fabric sheets to be my "walls". I lived there for about a year, in a fabric walled cube in the living room. I ate crackers and ramen noodles. I would sometimes steal small bits of food from grocery stores because i didn't have any money.
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within moving into my friend’s house, again abdicate myself over to my situation and allowing myself to experience myself as a “victim” of my circumstances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within living off of the charity of my friends, accept and allow myself to stop standing up for myself and pushing myself to support myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to take care of me or help me with all of my problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within staying for free at my friend’s house, not apply myself to find a temporary job or to not submit myself to being a “freeloader” or an “unfortunate homeless person”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within staying for free at my friend’s house, accept myself as being unable to do anything practical about my situation because I was “in between” homes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within staying for free at my friend’s house, believe that I was not able to change my situation instead of accepting my “fate”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within moving into my first place with other friends, believe that I could not get a job because I did not have a degree and did not have a car, and thus did not actively apply myself in getting a job on my own.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that within not pushing myself to get a job on my own by my own merits, I was actually abdicating myself again to my beliefs of unworthiness and incompetence, and once again scripting out my own failures before even giving myself an opportunity to change myself and my situation.

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after that, i moved into another house... again the situation arose where the other roomates had jobs and cars... and i didn't... and there weren't enough rooms for all of us. so we constructed a room for me in the garage (car park). we built a makeshift room out of wood wall panels bought from a supply store. and i stayed in that garage through winter and summer. i found a job... and walked to and from work each day.

now, i am in the same house, though i am now properly renting a room. i have a bed, i have amenities, i have clothes, i have food, i have income, i have a computer, i have books and several things to entertain me.

by most accounts i have "succeeded" in standing up... in forcing myself... in supporting myself.

yet i only got to where i am from the charity of friends. i got to where i am from allowing others take care of things for me. i got to where i am NOT by standing up for myself but by making OTHERS do it.

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I forgive myself that I have judged myself so harshly in terms of accepting help and assistance from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in denial of the fact that there are times in life in which practical help and assistance are required and that one does not need to judge self needlessly for using the help available when it is practical to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the generosity and assistance of others as an excuse to not assist and support myself, whereby I am actually abusing myself by becoming dependent upon others, which also abuses others by making them part of my “drama”.

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Ever since i removed myself from my mother and any support she would have given, I have been tumbling... completely cut off from any stability. she was the sole stability within my life.... she was the only "source" of support for my survival in the world... but i could not let myself live under her... i could no longer stand not standing, and taking more of her abuse. i fled and ran away.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, through the abdication of myself as self trust, defined my mother to be the only source of support for my survival in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to absolutely give over my self trust due to fear of losing my mother’s support in providing for me and “looking after” me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that my mother is acting upon her own insecurities and fears and using me as a mirror as we mirror each other.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to consider that my mother’s behaviors were not actually about me, but about her own issues unresolved from her own upbringing.

I unconditionally forgive myself as my mother.

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and i have been running ever since, really. i have been running from the fear... the utterly paralyzing construct of me being "defective"... me being "unable to support myself"... "unable to live properly in this world like others do".

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use “running away” and “giving up” as my means of dealing with and coping with the fear mechanisms so extensively manifested within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that I cannot run away or hide or give up… because I cannot deny who and what I have accepted myself to become, as I am HERE in the physical, and my world is but an indicator of who and what I am.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that I cannot keep “putting off” or procrastinating… because the consequences only grow more intense, and I will and must face consequences, and therefore it is better to remain here as self honesty and self trust and deal with my acceptances head on, HERE.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to LIVE the realization that I cannot truly run away from myself, and that myself is the cause of my experience in the world.

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within my life i have wanted to do great things... accomplish great things... manifest great creations of self expression... but have always failed... have always petered out just before the end like a candle snuffed before it's time.

why? i have so completely become the manifestation of my fears... so completely and physically manifested as "incompetence" and "unworthiness"... and "procrastination" as well as "ineffectiveness". it is who and what i am in my physicality... and it has been the general pattern of my life.
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I forgive myself that I have constantly and continuously participated within and as fear and lack of self trust, and within that have constantly participated within giving up and sabotaging myself for failure to such an extent that my actual physicality reflects these constructs absolutely.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the physical manifestation of my fears, which has led to the physical manifestation of incompetence, giving up, fear, lack of self trust, and unworthiness within and as my physical human body, which is the result of me LIVING the constructs and not LIVING HERE.

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if i am to make any real change... this construct... at it's very core... must be faced. i must stand. just as i could not let myself live within the boundary of my mother's abuse... i cannot let myself live under the acceptance of this fear.

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TILL HERE, NO FURTHER.
Until Here, And No Further.
This is the point where I STOP immediately within participating within and as the accepted fears and constructs I have engrained myself with from my upbringing.
I UNCONDITIONALLY forgive myself and my mother as myself for our experiences in living out our programming and our constructs, feeding into each other and intensifying our system manifestations.
I AM self support HERE.
I AM the one breathing and typing THESE VERY WORDS as a statement of SELF, and not as an intellectual exercise.
This applications IS ME, STOPPING and refusing to abdicate my point of SELF TRUST and SELF DIRECTION.
Come what may… hell or high water… I am HERE and I declare I will no longer accept or allow myself to live within and as the constructs of FEAR, LACK OF SELF TRUST, INCOMPETENCE, UNWORTHINESS, and GIVING UP.
When I have the urge to go into fear, or lack of self trust, incompetence, unworthiness, or giving up, I will STOP and I will NOT participate. I will STAND and breathe and bring myself back to HERE and direct myself within self honesty and self trust.
I will STOP.
I AM the STOP.