on 'insecurity' and working as a canvasser for the democratic party

Insecurity is something that i have existed within and as for most of my life - existing within the self-belief that i am 'inadequate' and 'not good enough' - which are the excuses and justifications i would use to justify and explain how/why i am not responsible for changing myself - within this i am able to blame my childhood, blame society, blame my family, blame anything and anyone in order to not actually have to push myself and be the directive principle, and within this i am then able to remain safe in the comfort zone and continue my existence of limitation wherein i constantly and continuously find ways to abdicate myself and limit myself.

the way this has played out is i will see a situation where i have not pushed myself or expanded myself effectively, and will create a fear/resistance toward that point, making that point bigger than myself and allowing self to believe that self is inferior and 'incapable' of standing within that point - so in essence already giving up and accepting 'failure'. then when the point is here in my actual reality to deal with, i draw upon my previous assessment of myself and continue to allow the justification/excuses and the self-definition of inferiority to determine who i am - and within this compounding the point of 'i am not good enough' and 'i have faced this before and i kept failing, so this time i will only fail again' - which is a very vicious cycle to exist within - as it compounds the insecurity and fear more and more each time i do not push myself through the point.

the fascinating thing is that the point is NEVER as hard or difficult as my mind portrays it to be - and i see that when i support myself with self-writing, self-forgiveness, and making the decision within and as self to change and stop a pattern, i am able to face the point within a state of relaxedness - knowing that i have not yet fully accumulated the self-directive will to stop a pattern completely, but i am moving myself within correcting myself - and realizing that i am NOT my mind - that the self-definitions of me as ego/mind/consciousness are not in fact real - and that change is not only possible but inevitable within consistency and dedication - not allowing self to fear the fears that i have accepted in the past - and to push self to EMBRACE the fear, stand as the fear, and release the fear - and to not look back.

what i have been doing is being aware of self when i am participating in the pattern of fear/anxiety/nervousness/insecurity - and allowing self to EMBRACE what is going on within me and breathe, slow myself down, and stop participating in the thoughts that have triggered/activated the experience of fear/anxiety/nervousness within self, and to face the point even if i am not fully 'clear' in that moment. to push myself to participate even though i am still nervous and have points of resistance - within realizing that the nervousness and anxiety will not just disappear overnight from writing and self-forgiveness alone - that i must actually move myself in the physical to prove that i am not in fact anymore allowing the fear/anxiety to control/direct self.

what i am realizing as well is the importance of NOT JUDGING SELF as well as not reacting to my own reactions such as disappointment, shame, guilt, self-judgment, self-doubt, etc... as those devices will only further compound the point that i am working through - and will create more layers for me to have to walk through. so it is an application of humbleness, self-forgiveness, patience, breathing through the resistances, and not defining myself through the past, not limiting myself within the times where i 'fell' and did not transcend a point - to see that this is a process and to simply keep moving.

as for the point of insecurity, it is currently still an 'active' point where i am catching myself participating in projecting into the future and creating stress and anxiety over 'failing' or not being able to do something good enough - specifically at the moment i am having some fears around getting a job and being able to hold on to the job - having previously defined myself as a 'worker' and now experiencing myself as 'unemployed' there has been a point of wanting to return to the comfort/stability within the self-definition of 'worker' - which is simply another form of enslavement wherein i am limiting self and existing within a personality/ego manifestation of 'worker'.

within this there is also the aspect of fearing not having an income of my own - fearing that once my current savings runs out, i will 'suffer' and within this fearing not having money which i have accociated with support, stability, and 'safety'.

so here i support myself within self-forgiveness on the point of 'insecurity' within getting a job and getting an income as well as my points of anxiety/separation within possibly working for the democratic party

On 'insecurity'-

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am 'insecure', and that 'insecurity' is something that happens 'to' me.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as 'insecure'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within thoughts of 'failure' and self-judgment and self-doubt within believing that i am not 'worthy' or 'effective' enough to be able to support myself.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear failures and mistakes, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is not acceptable to make mistakes or to not be perfect in all things that i take on right away.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to project into the future within my thoughts and believing that i will not be 'able' to take on the responsibilities and expectations that come with working as a canvasser within a campaign office when in fact i have not yet even begun to work and have no actual idea of what 'it will take' to do this job well.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself up to impossible and impractical standards and then judge myself for not being that standard - within this allowing the continuance of addiction to mental/emotional energy which is generated within self-judgment

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the experience and energy within self-judgment and 'giving up'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my fear of making mistakes is real

i stop and realize that my fear of making mistakes is simply an energy addiction wherein i am constantly generating and resonating the point of 'insecurity' and self-limitation, thus constantly creating and experiencing such events - and within this not realizing that i am looping myself and diminishing myself with each cycle.

when and if i see/notice myself participating in the point of fearing to make a mistake, fearing being seen making a mistake, fearing that i am not 'good enough' to do something effectively, i stop, breathe, and realize the simple common sense practicality of no human being was EVER simply just 'perfect' and effective at what they do - that all have to face an initial point of making mistakes and making adjustments, and that it is ridiculous to expect self to be perfect at something that self has not practiced or trained or become equal to.


on income -

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having an income to support myself with and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having an income with which i am able to experience security, stability, and self-worth

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self-worth and self-value in each moment, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define my worth through my ability to purchase my comforts and entertainment with money.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i will not enjoy/value self if i do not have an income or money

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having money, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept the belief that the idea of money is 'real'.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within thoughts of wanting money in order to feel more secure and acceptable within society

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am not as capable of surviving if i do not have a steady job and stable income.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough money to support myself

i stop. i am in a situation where i am being supported and i do not need to fear for survival within having money. i am in a situation where i have time and can apply myself within other things and do not need to stress over whether or not my next paycheck can cover my living expenses. within this i am responsible for getting a job, getting an income, and supporting myself just as before, but i do not need to participate within fear and anxiety if i do not find work right away.

i am not in a situation where my survival is in any real danger.

on the points related to the possible job with the democratic party -

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within thoughts of 'i am not good enough' and 'i am not able to pull this off' when considering the point of working for the Democratic Party

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is 'special' to work for the democratic party

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate experiencing myself as diminished if i do not get the job with the democratic party

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that working for the democratic party will in and of itself make me a better/stronger/more effective person within politics

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to place value within getting a job with the democratic party, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts of what i could do/have/gain access to within working for the democratic party

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to 'prove' myself within getting the job at the democratic party

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am a 'failure' if i do not get the job

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if i do not get the job then it means that i am unacceptable and something is 'wrong' with me.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seek validation and acceptance within getting the job.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within energy and thoughts of 'it would be so cool to infiltrate the democratic party and work my way up to a point of influence'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire working my way up through the democratic party as a point of self-validation, wherein i project self-worth and self-value upon being successful within the job and 'moving up'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have the job from a starting-point of wanting validation within being an 'infiltrator' within a political party

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire participating in the intrigue and sense of 'specialness' within me working for a political party

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my 'way in' to the political arena depends on me doing this one particular job - within this not realizing that i am limiting myself and participating in a desire/belief instead of actually moving myself in each moment to accumulate what is in fact best for all and what will be the best/most effective placement of myself and my skills within the context of all.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i must be a politician and enter politics as my way to stand for what is best for all - as though by just being a 'politician' i will have 'proven' myself when in fact i am only participating in my own self-interest/desire.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create a sense of specialness within working as a canvasser and possibly moving up to be a field manager - and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create an expectation that this job will 'open doors' for me.

i stop. this job is simply a job, and i will make of it what i make of it as i walk. i stop participating in anticipation, expectation, and and desire within the point of possibly working for the democratic party as a canvasser/field manager.

I don't have 'Mommy Issues'. I have 'Mommy Libraries'.

Judgment is NEVER valid.
Thought is NEVER valid.
Emotion is NEVER valid.
Comparison is NEVER valid.
Fear is NEVER valid.

It is the above mentioned things that completely INVALIDATE life.

Last night I was having a chat with Kelly... and once again a point within myself had come up and I had tried to suppress it. However, this time I was observing the movement and the pictures that were coming up within me, and watching the judgment and the thoughts and the emotions as the swelled up and I felt myself wanting to give in and allow myself to be completely possessed by the points- which in a sense I did give in to by the act of me becoming extremely silent and still... as though holding in some ancient and putrid fart that I did not want to air out and was content to bottle up within my deepest, darkest, most secret bowels.

Kelly had mentioned some points related to having progress in terms of being able to have a 'relationship' with her mother in which more and more she is not having to compromise herself and is able to speak directly and communicate directly with her mother whereas before there would be massive resistance, reactions, dishonesty, and mind contructs in the way.

As kelly shared her experience of how she is now able to even 'hang out' and enjoy the presence of her mother, within me began to build a massive point of self judgment and self comparison- because I do not have anything like that with my mother, whom I am still having many points of resistance, resentment, and blame toward, and see now that the self forgiveness that i had applied did not go into enough specificity for me to walk through those resistances. I see that i am still holding on to my past, identifying myself with 'painful memories' which i have come to accept as a part of who i am, which i have manifested myself as over the years of my life. I have resistance to facing my mother and standing as who i am. i have compounded within me so much fear and anxiety in regards to my mother- built up over years and years and years of resentment, fear, anger, hatred, blame, and victimization, all of which i had placed upon my mother as an external force that when i was younger had accepted as infallible and supreme even when she was incorrect about something... and i see how i have still carried this point into my adult life... still seeing myself as 'small' and not able to be heard or considered an equal to the almighty idea of my mother, the 'god' of my childhood universe, who reigned over me and played the role of grand disciplinarian.

Within this reaction and self judgment i see that i envy kelly for having walked through her own points and being able to establish a clear starting point within her communication and relationship with her mother- something that i do not see i am able to have- and within this i see that i am the one who is preventing this from being possible. in having a self honest look at it, i see that i am the one who is not letting go of the blame, letting go of the grudge, the resentment, the victim-hood that i have identified myself as and accepted myself as.

in writing this out i see that i am NOT the idea/belief of victim-hood that i have built up over the years- because this idea is able to be stopped and deleted and i am able to remain here.

i am not ANY of my thoughts, emotions, beliefs, or opinions... they are the result and product of what i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as- throughout my maturing process- repeating the same patterns of fear and inadequacy on my own even after i ran away from home.

This brings me to where i am now. I am now readying myself to move out of california and to PA, where I will be staying and working/studying with Kelly. This brings up the point for me of 'running away' from all the things i have accepted and allowed myself to believe i am not able to handle or address or face. this brings back my fear that i am once again trying to flee from what i am- seeking to be 'rid of' my circumstances and my environment, and the externalized 'unfair, unjust, uncaring' world that i see and accept as 'bigger than me', which i feel 'victimized' by and powerless to stand up to. it is the exact same pattern from when i was a child, being raised by my mother- how utterly powerless i felt when she would get angry at me, scold me, beat me, make remarks about me in her fits of anger... all of which i downloaded and accepted... and then continued to play out into adulthood.

so here i am having a look at where i stand in all of this... and i am seeing all of my weak points... all of my 'soft spots'. i am seeing just how far i have abdicated myself over to fears and accepted myself entirely as inadequate in this reality, and how i sought out refuge within my mind- creating worlds of fantasy in which i was not only protected, but invulnerable to the constant insecurity and fear that i experienced as a child.

"mommy issues"... i do not have mommy issues. i have mommy libraries full of mommy issues, upon which are written the words, upon which are printed the pictures, of each and every thought and emotion related to who i am within the context of my mother and my upbringing. issues upon issues- in the library of information that is Joe Kou as who I have existed as within and as my mind.

this is an extensive point... and will require that i pull everything out and really dig into. and here i am at this moment immediately faced with a resistance to do just that... a resistance to free myself and forgive myself... a resistance to let go of these painful reminders of how i have abdicated myself... resistance to actually let go of all of these issues because for so many years now i have defined myself by them... seen myself as the 'product' of them... accepted myself as these memories and fears and compounded experiences within my mind... resistance to let go of the excuses and justifications that these patterns apparently allowed me to participate in and exist as. excuses excuses... excusing myself from the table of self honest, self willed existence in this reality... excusing myself to sulk away from all life. this is not acceptable.

my mind is running... my defense programs have activated and i am seeking ways to distract myself now... blanking out and not wanting to continue typing.

the self judgment is NOT valid. it is not real and can only be lived as real within my own acceptance of it. i am the only one who is able to validate my judgments because i am the only one that determines what i accept and allow as who i am. and the plain fact of the matter is that i am HERE and i exist independent of how i think i am, what i judge myself to be, or how i feel about myself. regardless of any of those elements i remain existing here as a physical being- thus no judgment is ever actually valid in terms of determining how i am to experience myself. by the plain fact that i can look down with my physical eyes and always see myself HERE, i am HERE and no proof or further validation is necessary.

I have many many many layers to go through- to walk through. I have many many points in which i have abdicated myself as life and now must bring myself back together, and face my greatest fears here in the actual and physical reality so that i am able to stand and be certain that i am able to be trusted with life and will not abuse, and through the test of time i must remain standing to prove that i walk HERE, not in my mind.

I am already "fallen"... now is the time to establish how to stand and stop falling. thus it is not relevant that i am not standing 'already'... and in chasing this idea that i am supposed to be able to stand will not help. i can only stand by standing, not wishing or hoping or judging myself about it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to 'already be standing' and to not have any points come up within me

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe and participate within the thought/reaction of 'if a point comes up, then it means i am not applying myself and that means i am not going to make it in this process'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear 'failing' at something that i have not yet mastered

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear other seeing me as having points in which i am still not the directive principle of and thus not worthy of being trusted with life.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be acceptable and validated by others so that i am able to continue holding on to my resentments, fears, secrets, and dishonesty.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mother simply will not hear me or consider me as an equal and will only ever remain as the mother matrix programming.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be envious of kelly for her relationship with her mother.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to secretly desire for kelly and lindsay to read this and to see me as these words of self writing and self forgiveness and to not see me as who i am, as a being still in process and still dealing with these points, wanting them to see only the surface veneer and not who i am

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire for others to read my words and to accept me "as i am" so that i do not have to actually expose and investigate myself and continue to secretly hold on to my secret mind

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself HERE and to direct myself effectively within common sense and self honesty in each breath.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to manipulate and deceive with my words in order to gain validation and acceptance from others who may be reading.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to invalidate myself by accepting myself as beliefs, opinions, judgments, and personality.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to invalidate myself within accepting and allowing myself to participate in beliefs of morality.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking to my mother as an equal, and letting go of who and what i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as within fear, inferiority, and dependency.

i STOP.

i do not accept as myself the belief of fear, inferiority, inadequacy, dependency as being real or valid in any way, and i will not longer allow myself to participate in any such thoughts or emotions. i am able to stop this in a moment by breathing and moving self HERE as a self willed action, to LIVE this statement of STOP.

this brings me to the current moment as of this writing. i see that i require to go deeper into the specifics but i will soon be picked up by my mother. i will be spending the night at her place and will stay for 'thanksgiving' the next night. i will tell her of my plans to move out of california and to live in PA to work and study with Kelly.

i will update this when i get back.

4-23-09

Staggered sleep schedule. Got a call from work asking me to go in early because somebody called out.

Eager to say yes. Perhaps too eager to please. Too eager to present myself as the dependable person when in fact I cannot be depended on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consistently portray myself as the idea of somebody who is dependable instead of actually being the source of my own dependability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself as an illusion of dependability to others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to stand within and as my own dependability, equal and one to my own dependability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot depend on myself or rely upon myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to be worthy and equal to self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself as a means to not have to trust myself or depend on myself.

got to work. busy day. constantly busy with customers who seem more like vultures picking at the dying flesh of fresh carrion. did not give myself time to stop and have breakfast. worked through an empty stomach until lunch break.

felt uneasy and unstable. constant feeling that i am not able or competent to handle even my most basic job duties.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel incompetent and nervous about myself.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to consistently doubt myself and generate energy around my self doubt, which i hold on to until it actually manifests.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to constantly second guess myself and lock myself down into a state of fear and insecurity, paralyzed by my own irrational fear of self.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to submerge myself within the design of fear, insecurity, incompetence, and unworthiness instead of remaining HERE as that which is HERE equal and one with each breath.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be lead around by my mind constructs instead of being the self directive principle of me.

had a moment when i had to do mental math to figure out the correct amount of change to give back to a customer, and locked myself into doubt, nervousness, and insecurity instead of taking on the challenge equal and one with each breath HERE. Had to invent an excuse to the customer "sorry, my math isn't as good as it was", which led the customer to assure me that i had indeed done the math right, which i then used to comfort myself and justify myself with.

i forgive myself that in that moment of having to depend on myself to get myself through the situation, i accepted and allowed myself to react in fear and doubt and insecurity and be lost within those reactions instead of seeing directly and applying myself HERE to realize that i was not fucking up and that i was fully capable of doing the math on my own without a machine.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to instantly delude myself and justify myself and completely brush aside my reactions of fear and insecurity based on the customer's comment of "no, you had it right the first time" and taking that comment to hide behind and pretend i never doubted myself in the first place, thus creating a timeloop for myself.

i forgive myself that i am constantly afraid of facing myself honestly and fully.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to such an extent that i actually fear trusting myself.

remained in my mind most of the work day, droning on in my work, not really being present. had a few moments of admiring coworkers that i find attractive.

at closing time, had a big snafu. lost track of a large sum of money that was supposed to be filed away and was in my care. was not present. i do not know where that large sum of money went. will probably find out tomorrow.

i felt the sting of self doubt again. of incompetence. of insecurity. the fear of me not actually being dependable or capable of my assigned duties. manifesting my constructs.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts and opinions of myself being incompetent or somehow unable to grasp basic things that people around me appear to have no trouble with.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to constantly compare myself unfairly to others, and dwell on what i perceive to be my "flaws" and "faults", using these things to fuel my lack of trust in self and my constructs of self doubt and insecurity.