Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Stopping the Broken Record Begins with Self Change

This is my one life. What does that mean to me practically?

In reflecting on my 'life' thus far I see that I have been living out the same general pattern over and over – as though the same cycles keep repeating and I find myself always returning the the same position, only being worse off than before because I have lost faith in myself, or I have lost self-trust because I had recognized the same issues and yet did not push myself to break the pattern and in finding myself back in the same spot that I seem to always return to, I experience a diminishment within myself because then comes the thought “Maybe this is just the way it is” or “Maybe I really can't change, because I keep falling back to this”.

I am at the moment experiencing such a point – where there is a bugging question that seems to burn within me – which is “Am I really just stuck repeating the same mistakes, living the same patterns, continuing to lose myself more and more?” - I have entertained this question within myself many times before and in a way I would say that this question is always in the background, part of my back-chat, part of the actual personality that I have become because this question has never been satisfactorily answered and has been a constant point of doubt within me – which now I see has been part of the reason why I continue to manifest the same pattern – the same question – because I have not actually answered it for myself.

The general point that I can identify is that I will find myself in a situation where I must break through my accepted comfort zones and expand myself to take on greater responsibilities while having the support that I require in order to do so, and yet I have within my life consistently sabotaged myself or found ways to excuse or justify why I was not 'able' to push past the comfort zone and walk into a new expression within self trust. What would then happen is I would give in to my fears, and anticipate failure, and within the anticipation of failure I would immediately seek the 'scapegoat' – the point where I could blame or justify why I failed so that I would not have to ever move beyond my comfort zone and would never have to actually stand within self trust, which comes with self responsibility.

Often I have blamed my environment, by family, my financial situation, my lack of 'access' to a resource, or the people in my immediate world whether it was coworkers or intimate partners, but I have not, in self honesty, brought the points back to self completely – always I had left a back door open to blame and project onto others and always I tried to protect my own ego because I thought that the ego was going to protect me and help me 'sort things out' and 'keep my world together'.

What is fascinating is that I am becoming more aware of myself within all of this – I can see the mechanisms moving and am able to catch myself more than I have before. I am beginning to develop the self intimacy and understanding of me, of how I work, of how my design functions – and within understanding how and why I have allowed this design of myself to exist as me, I am able to take responsibility.

I did not want to be self honest with myself and face the fact that I am responsible for my experience and that I am the one creating all of it. I did not want to have to be the one to let go of my ego, my self design, and correct myself and take responsibility for myself. And here, I still have doubts – I still have insecurities – but I see that self trust is not magical – it must be developed, trained, maintained just like any other skill that one wishes to acquire – just like anything else that has become part of my current pattern and design as 'joe kou' – and as long as I keep the question of “Am I doomed to repeat the same failures” burning within me, I will continue having to face manifested consequences in my life until the question is settled once and for all – and here I see I must make a stand and ensure that I stop falling – stop looping – stop allowing myself to only learn from 'mistakes' and 'consequences' and begin to direct myself within self trust and self directive application – otherwise my life will remain one giant broken record trying to come to some 'conclusion' that never arrives – constantly playing the same old tune – the same old routines – the same tired song. It is time to stop because the longer I let this record stay stuck, the deeper the imprint left on the record itself and the more difficult I make it for myself to actually move on, where eventually this one song, this one loop, becomes all there is because it's all that I've ever accepted of myself.

I am beginning to understand more clearly the function and design of ego – which I would define as the design of myself as knowledge and information which I have accepted and allowed myself to believe is who and what I am, which exists in a 'secret space' within myself where I am the 'god' of my inner reality able to believe whatever I choose to believe and experience myself in whatever manner pleases me as ego and gives me the sense of energy and stimulation which I have allowed myself to accept as 'being alive'.

I have come to see that the design of ego is actually a construct meant to keep me forever acting, interacting, and reacting to and as the mind as thoughts, feelings, and emotions, which generate the energy that the ego must feed off of in order to be 'alive'.

The ego does not rest, and is eternally patient because it is in a way the 'master design' of what I have accepted and allowed myself to be – it is 'master' because I have within my life extensively abdicated myself and made myself subservient to it, believing it to actually BE who I am.

When I have made mistakes within my life, I have relied on my ego to 'patch things up again' within myself – putting up walls of excuses and justifications and convenient ways to blame others for my limitations and shortcomings – because the ego cannot ever be proven 'wrong' or 'fallible' – because to do so would undermine the entire personality design of me which has been based and built upon the foundation of trusting my ego and trusting my 'intellect'.

When it comes to matters of having to take responsibility for events that occur within my life, I experience heavy resistance which I now see is the ego needing to be 'right' and requiring that a way be found to not take responsibility so that the ego can remain intact – like a dictator that eliminates all evidence of his wrongdoing and prevents any kind of dissent that may lead to revolt – that is how I have within my life intentionally been a dictator to myself – where I have not wanted to face my limitations and take responsibility for myself to change myself and correct myself as well as make proper reparations to the people in my world that I have manipulated and abused – all in the name of protecting myself, all in the name of keeping up the facade of me being 'in control' and 'stable' when in fact I was enslaved and constantly experiencing turbulence within myself as energy and conflict.

Ok so bringing this point back to my original topic – which is what this all means in the scope of me facing my points within this one and only life – this one and only opportunity for me to realize myself as life and stop playing the same old record of diminishment.

I am realizing that each time I fall on a point or each time that I find that I have time-looped a point and have to face it all over again, I as the ego, as the dictator which has a vested interest in me continuing to diminish myself as life so that I may remain enslaved – will use that point as further authority to remain in power – meaning each time that I diminish my point of self trust and self honesty by falling on a point and not taking responsibility for myself, I further entrench myself within and as ego – believing myself to be able to 'outsmart' manifested consequence and not have to face my self creation – which is of course impossible.
So what would happen is I would experience the fall and realize that I did not stand up and that I must walk the point over again, but now there is greater doubt within me, and a greater chance for the ego to assert itself in order to 'protect' me from having to face the fear of failure again. The ego will use any and ALL means so that I remain enslaved forever to my self beliefs and forever hold myself to my past as experiences instead of standing up within and as principle within and as each breath, and within this, the likelihood that I will fall again becomes greater, and self diminishes more, and the record keeps repeating, and more and more I allow myself to believe that I cannot change, that I am a 'loser', that I am forever enslaved to my 'design'.

No more. No more because I give myself the authority and responsibility to stop diminishing myself out of fear of diminishment. No more, because I understand how this ego functions and I know where it will lead me if I continue to allow myself to defer to it and hold myself as prisoner to my past.

I give myself the authority and responsibility, understanding that I am fully equipped and fully capable of supporting myself through this process and that the answer to “Am I doomed to remain enslaved forever” is NO, because each time I do not accept the preprogrammed reaction of the ego – each time I do not allow myself to go into self pity or self judgment and not live the courage to take responsibility for myself, for my life, and for my world, I am restoring self as authority and thus not allowing self to be enslaved.

In the scope of this reality – this existence – my issues with ego are petty. There are billions of humans on this planet who are not even aware of the tools of self forgiveness and self honesty and will continue their existence lost and repeating the same cycle of diminishment until all of humanity has completely diminished. There are billions who will never have the chance or opportunity to have what I now have at my disposal – to have the access and the resources to change self and stand up and change this system so that ALL may realize for themselves that we do not require to diminish – that we do not require to exist under the tyranny of dictatorships whether they be political heathens who abuse and exploit their citizens or the dictatorships of the mind as ego that abuse who and what we are as life.

So what am I saying? What am I realizing? And what will I do?

I realize that I have only one life and that it is up to me to stand up and make of this life something that is of benefit and support for all because what is best for all is what matters – what is best for all is the optimum realization of who we all are as life – and that at the moment I am limited by my own self accepted limitations and definitions which are my responsibility to change – and that no amount of self forgiveness that is not followed with immediate self correction will only be another point abdication where I diminish myself as well as diminish the opportunity to stand up as life for the billions who may never get the opportunity to do the same.

I realize that falling is simply and indication that I have not fully stood within my realizations and still have backdoors and limitations – and that I do not require to judge myself or go into self pity or diminish myself within what I have already walk and what I have pushed through so far, but simply require to adjust and keep walking as the correction, and here not allowing the ego to take it's revenge or to feed doubt or diminishment within myself. 

I realize that the ego is simply a design to keep me from actually breaking through my accepted and allowed limitations and is not in fact assisting me to expand myself as a being within self trust and self honesty. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into pity and self doubt and self judgment when realizing that I have not stood and that I must re-walk a point that I did not transcend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others will judge me and seek to harm me or hold me at a disadvantage if I expose that I have points that I have fallen on, which is actually only my own ego holding myself back and victimizing myself and thus resonating that as my accepted and allowed 'nature' which I fear others may 'pick up on'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to stand alone without support and yet within that very fear isolating myself and casting myself out and deceiving myself and others within using my ego to present a self that is 'together' and 'stable' instead of being self honest and actually correcting myself and walking equal with others who walk this process. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of ego and trusting myself to direct myself without the 'feedback' of the ego to tell me what to do in order to not have to stand as the point of self change. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my ego and to want to separate myself from ego when in fact the ego is but my own accepted and allowed participation one and equal and thus I am not separate from ego and ego is not an 'enemy' to be battled or feared but simply to stand and direct myself one and equal and align myself so that the pattern/design that I exist as is a pattern/design that supports what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within constant and consistent self doubt and self diminishment within holding on to my failures and my past within fearing to fall and fearing that others will judge me for falling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and define myself within failure and diminishment as the memories and experiences of and as my past which I have stored within myself as knowledge and information instead of realizing that life is not able to be lived or expressed within the past or within stored knowledge and information because life is HERE, in each moment, in each breath, and in each breath I am determining what I am living as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within the emotion and pattern of feeling like a 'loser' and that “I will never be able to do anything right, so why bother?” when facing a point within my world where I require to challenge the foundations of my self-design or when I am facing a point that I have not yet transcended and must walk from the beginning again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the realization of having to walk a point over again and re-establishing self within self trust and self honesty to the idea and belief that there must be a period in which I diminish myself and go into self judgement and self hatred for having 'failed' and thus create more conflict and friction and self doubt within and as self, instead of realizing that I am able to simply breathe and in one breath correct myself and move on and never look back again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define responsibility as something that I must dread and fear and prepare myself for in order to avoid pain, embarrassment, or possible failure or having to admit that I made a mistake that requires to be corrected and taken responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is painful, embarrassing, or likely to lead to further failure and problems when I take responsibility for a point that requires to be corrected within myself, my environment, my relationships, or my world.

When I notice myself tightening up when faced with a point of fear or anxiety within taking responsibility on a point or when I am anticipating failure or shame or embarrassment, I STOP immediately and realize that this is the revenge of the ego attempting to assert itself.

When I notice myself tightening up when faced with a point of fear or anxiety within taking responsibility for a point or when I am anticipating failure or shame or embarrassment, I will give myself a moment to breathe, check in with myself, and will not say or do anything out of reaction in order to avoid responsibility or to escape from the experience of fear or anxiety within me. I will breathe and clear myself and when I am clear I will accept the responsibility that I require to take and will see it through because I realize and understand that if I do not, I will only diminish myself further and the problems will not go away and I will simply have to face them again, compounded.

When I notice myself wanting to hide or ignore or blame another or fabricate stories to mask my responsibility, I STOP, I breathe, and will NOT allow myself to go there because I see and realize that if I attempt to hide from myself and from another my point of responsibility by trying to blame, justify, or fabricate, I am compromising my self honesty and thus accumulating conflict and friction within myself which will undermine me as my principle and I will require to face the point again, compounded.

When I see and notice myself wanting to remain in limitation and self pity when facing a point or feeling overwhelmed or experiencing myself as unable to move on, I push myself to remain here as breath and constantly bringing myself back HERE instead of being in the mind as ego. I do not require to judge myself or involve the ego in any way because I simply require to do what is necessary to be done to the best of my ability – and any doubts or resentments or regrets will only come if I hold myself back within fear or limitation or excuses – because if I self honestly am HERE and doing what I require to do in the moment, there is no reason to judge or doubt myself for what I “should have done”.

So I continue, I adjust, I keep walking. I do not give up on myself. I will not allow myself to give up on myself because I realize that this is not just about 'me'. This is my one and only life and I must make the best of it and use what is here to the fullest of my ability because there is no guarantee that I will be here again and no way of knowing what will become of me or this world when I am gone, so while I am here I push myself to stand for the billions of others who at the moment cannot – because they are ME, depending on ME as life to stand up and change this world – and that change must first be reflected within and as myself so that I can stand absolute and know that I will do whatever it takes to stop this broken record of diminishment that humanity has been looping. 

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