Money and Agreements

A few points opened up from an assignment I was doing within the Desteni I Process course - which I will share here.

Within walking an agreement with a partner one of the most challenging points for me thus far has been related to money and points of self-definition that are related to money. 

One evening me and my partner were on our way to a grocery store after a few rounds of bowling at a local bowling alley. After getting the groceries, my partner shared that she had some points in relation to me not saying “thank you”. The point was opened up further – and as the point was being discussed I allowed myself to take things personally instead of slowing down and realizing that she is simply sharing her back-chat and she is speaking out the point to support herself, and that none of what she is experiencing has anything to do with me even if it initially comes out as what I perceive to be blame or projection.

Within me I was having my own back chat within “What the fuck, she is blaming me – she is being righteous.” as well as going into an emotional reaction at that point due to unresolved issues within me that had been triggered in that moment. The issue was that she was experiencing herself as being taken advantage of and that I was not grateful for the point of her paying for things more than I do within our agreement, and within this I have points of guilt and issues of believing self to be inferior within self-judgment. In exploring this point further I realized that I have unresolved issues around money and that these must be cleared up.

Within me, I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I as the 'male' within a relationship, am expected to be the point of financial stability and support, and have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am not that point of financial stability or support, then I am not a 'man', and thus there is something 'wrong' with me that I should be ashamed of. 

There is also some baggage that was not resolved within the relationship I have had with 'money' in my life. So I see the point of correction here would be to redefine who I am in relation to money in my world and to forgive myself of any points that have been unresolved in terms of money in my life and allow myself to change and work through this point. 

It is vital that any points to do with money in terms of walking an agreement with a partner be cleared up and directed - as currently money is directly tied to survival and need - and when there exists anxiety and back-chat about money within the context of survival and need while walking in a partnership with another, the fears and anxieties related to not having money and therefore being vulnerable and exposed to the fear of not being able to survive or sustain self becomes a possessive entity that overrides clear communication and support - where one partner goes into fear of losing/wasting the money if they support the other, and the other fears not having the support where support is needed.

Self-Forgiveness on my ideas about money - 

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for working at a job that does not pay as well as my previous job, and to judge myself and participate in the thought of “I am not as worthy of a person now”.
2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within thoughts of anxiety and stress within not having money for myself.
3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within thoughts and stress in relation to having or not having money.
4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be measured and rated based on the amount of money I have made and have in my account.
5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and participate in anxiety when I do not have any cash in my wallet and the money in the bank cannot be withdrawn.
6. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take things personally when my partner shares herself and expresses her points within money.
7. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself participate in fear and mistrust of others when I do not have money.
8. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow money to become an entity instead of money simply being practical tool within what is currently here as the system that must be worked with for the moment.
9. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear money.
10. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I only 'deserve' to use money when it is money that I have earned myself
11. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that money should determine how I feel about myself.
12. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate having money with having security and thus when I experience myself not having money, I experience insecurity, which causes me to experience myself as unstable and uncertain.
13. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live the realization that money is simply a tool to be used within the current system and that the current design of money is not based on equality or common sense – thus to not take it personally if I do not have money at the moment and simply realize that I am still here – that I will do whatever is necessary to support myself for the moment until an equal money system is established in this world.
14. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear never having money again
15. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear and anxiety due to believing that my life is unstable and my survival is threatened within not having money.
16. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire money within believing that having money will make me feel better.
17. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire money within the starting point of wanting the ability to get what I want, when I want it.
18. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the feeling and energetic experience of being able to buy whatever I want, whenever I want.
19. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate buying something with the experience of 'feeling good', within the design of instant gratification associated with buying something.
20. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty within having participated within the thought of “I don't deserve this” when my partner pays for something on my behalf.
21. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as inferior and unworthy within walking my agreement with my partner but not being able to contribute equally in terms of finances.
22. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to script and limit myself within the self-belief of “I am not able to make more money”
23. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself from making more money and having a more stable income within self-doubt and fear of money.
24. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of “I don't have enough money” as a reason/justification to not apply myself and push myself within establishing myself and my point of self-support within the matrix.
25. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse/justification of “I don't have enough money” to garner sympathy and condolences from others as energy for me to feed on as limitation/abdication.
26. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent my mother and the debts that I have not paid back and have not been able to pay back, and within this create a separation and friction around money.
27. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist approaching my partner within borrowing money and working with money in practical ways that support our walking together.
28. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my partner resents me and does not want to walk with me and work with me financially until I get myself stable again.

I stop. Instead of going into points of inferiority or self judgment, or participating in fear or stress, I will support myself within living the practical realization that money does not control me, and that I will do whatever is necessary to be done to support myself. Instead of arguing or becoming resentful to/towards my partner, I push myself and apply myself to bring the points of frustration and judgment back to myself and stand within the commitment to not allow my mind to tell me how to experience myself within the point of money and walking with my partner when I do not have as much money to contribute.

I discussed the point further with my partner and we came to an understanding with each other – that the money is not to be given energy as value and that it is to be used practically within the context of what is here and not to be resentful of one another when it comes to spending the money. It is simply here to be used – and it does not matter who has more of it or who makes more income – we both contribute our time and effort to walk together effectively to become stable and effective beings who are able to take on this system and change the money system to one that does support all life.

At the moment we must function in a system that does not and was not meant to support life. The current system must generate abuse and exploitation – and it is not currently possible for all to have the same level of income or financial stability. Within this I see and understand that what I can do is simply breathe and apply myself moment to moment and to work with what is here. I allow myself to use the current system to the best of my ability within the principle and understanding that there is no support for life currently – thus I must support myself so that my partner is not taking on extra financial burdens that will lead to stress and conflict within our walking.

So at the moment we are both facing who we are within the point of money – and it is cool because I am pushing myself within the application of not feeding my reactions and emotions and clearing myself of such movements in me as we discuss these points – otherwise the discussion becomes an argument and we do not actually get to a point of mutual agreement or support.