Anger as the "Anchor" to the Past

Joe Kou

3/30/2012

Here I am continuing with the point of anger which I opened up in a previous writing.

When I look at the point of anger a bit deeper I see another 'dimension' to it beyond the realization that anger is not actually 'power' and that within my experience anger has actually been an energetic outflow/consequence of fear and not having stood up for myself, which leads to self judgment and thus the building up of 'anger' due to having allowed self to abdicate to fear.

The other dimension I am looking at now is how these experiences of anger – especially those that are quite intense and can actually become physical possessions – are all based on specific memories within the past. (When not directed, we are actually able to lose ourselves to these memories instead of realizing who we are - check out this interview on Eqafe for more perspective - "How I Ruined My Life with a Memory")

When I experience this point of 'anger' within me I am able to see that it never has anything to do with the immediate person or situation that may have been the trigger for my reaction, and that it is always about a point within the 'past' upon which the anger is based on.

So looking at the point of anger within this perspective, I see that anger is an outflow of fear, and fear is an outflow of memories and the past, where a certain event may have happened in my life where I allowed fear to direct me and due to this acceptance I later judged myself for not having stood up in that moment – and every time anything similar to that moment occurs in my life wherein I am faced with the same consequence, I experience the anger, which is like a form of telling myself “Well, here it is again and still nothing has changed. I've been through this before and I know exactly where this is going to go and I didn't stop it”. Thus anger is an indication of self-dishonesty and self-compromise that has already occurred.

What is fascinating here is that I am at all times able to stop – and I am able to forgive myself for all of the times that I have not stopped before and I do not need to burden myself further with judgment or beating myself up if I do make the same mistake again. What is relevant is that I see clearly how I created the situation and what I will do to ensure that I direct the point practically and effectively and that I do not make the same mistake again. It is absolutely unnecessary to have made a mistake and then to go into an emotional reaction about it – and within this it is important that I do not allow myself to make a habit of or form an addiction to the energy of self-judgment as the experience of 'anger', because that will only have me stuck in the same loops over and over, getting more and more angry with myself while I make more and more of the same mistakes.

Thus, anger can actually be considered an anchor – anchoring ourselves to and as our past within our memories and programmed behaviors and patterns, and in a way tying us down to the points in our lives that we 'regret' the most or have the most fear/resistance toward, and unless we find the 'cord' or 'chain' of events that ties us to the weight of the anger/anchor and free ourselves from it, it is possible that we end up sinking along with the anger/anchor deeper into the depths and finding it only harder to 'surface' again.

 Put another way, the anger is actually showing me points where I have compromised myself and I was fully aware that I was compromising myself in that moment, and these points of self-dishonesty and compromise will keep showing in in various forms, through various people, through various events, until I finally 'get it' and cut the anchor through self-forgiveness and self corrective application – so that I am able to actually move on with my living and my expression instead of being 'tied down' to that which prevents me from moving forward.

Here, self forgiveness on “Anger” as holding self to/as the past

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that anger and fear are based on memories of the past and that whenever I allow myself to be directed by anger or fear I am in fact making the statement that I am my past and that the memories and beliefs I have about myself based on the experiences of and as my past are more real than who I am here in this moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my past is more 'real' than who I am in this moment and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my 'past' into a belief about my 'future' due to having defined myself by and as my past and thus assuming that since I am my past and my past is more 'real' than who I am here, then according to the logic of the mind I will be the same way in the 'future'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that anger is not who I am and that I do not require to become or remain angry with myself when facing a point where I have not stood up within the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry with myself instead of realizing that the anger is self-created and that I do not have to participate within it as an energetic experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that anger is a part of 'who I am' because it has apparently been with me for 'so long'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge anger and to believe that anger is something 'bad' and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from 'anger' instead of allowing myself to understand it and see how it works and what it is showing me within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the anger for 'holding me to my past' instead of realizing that I am the only one holding me to my past and the anger is simply indicating to me what points in my past I have not self-forgiven and have not given direction to.

I am not my 'past' from the perspective of seeing and understanding that I am at all times creating me and determining who I am with each breath that I take, and thus I am able to change me HERE instead of recreate and repeat the same experiences of and as my 'past'.

When and as I see myself getting angry at myself for my past I will stop and simply realize that the past is already done and gone but I am still here, and if I still allow myself to dwell on the 'past' then I will only continue the cycle of not being HERE.

So here I see that 'anger' is actually able to be seen as an 'anchor' that keeps one from straying off without making sure that one's 'ship' is in good order for sailing.

Anger does not have to be something to be feared or avoided – it is able to be seen as an indication of where I have participated in self-dishonesty and self-diminishment before – thus the 'anchor' is a tool that is able to make sure that I do not miss the opportunity to correct myself by serving as an indication when I am facing a point from my 'past'. 

Get the exclusive interview "My Life of Anger" on Eqafe today! 

Fearing What Might Come Up Within Writing and How I am STOPPING It.

Fearing What Might Come Up Within Writing and Looking at "Resistance"

Joe Kou

3/15/2012

Here I am writing about a point of 'fear' and it is fascinating because the as I sit here to write I immediately found myself in a point of resistance where I just didn't want to 'go there', and for a while I wrestled with this resistance within myself by saying to myself “NO, I will write about fear, I will not allow this reaction/resistance” but as I made this statement within myself I experienced the resistance even further because instead of that statement being an actual self statement it was rather a statement I was making as an attempt to 'overpower' or 'overcome' the resistance and in this I was separating myself from being able to actually see and understand what was the cause of my resistance and how it is that I created and integrated this resistance as myself, where I had allowed myself to go into this automatic response of not wanting to write about fear.

So I begin here within the realization that my resistance to writing about fear is exactly the point where I must begin to write about my fear lol.

The first point I see within this is that I have, through studying the desteni material and applying the concepts and having a look at how I have designed myself as a system throughout the years of my life, I have accumulated a point of 'knowledge' about the design of fear and how it operates within us but have not actually FULLY lived those realizations as myself – wherein the knowledge and information about how we design ourselves and limit ourselves through and as fear remained within me as a point of knowledge and information instead of being an actual point of application, and thus in spite of having a functional understanding of the design of fear I continued to allow myself to be limited by and directed by fear. This is an example of how easy it is for us to slip into the ego and assume that we have things 'under control' because we believe ourselves to be superior to the mind when in fact it is the other way around whenever we allow ego and knowledge to be our directive principle.

So here I take responsibility for the point of having accumulated knowledge in regards to the point of fear and not actually pushing myself to live and apply the knowledge to support myself to stop existing within and as fear within myself and thus stop the existence of and as fear within my world.

Self-Forgiveness on Accumulating Knowledge about Fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate knowledge about fear within reading and studying the desteni material from a starting point of separating myself from the information and storing the information as a part of myself within and as knowledge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must 'know' all about the system and the design of the system in order to 'understand' it and only then begin to apply myself within the application of stopping the system instead of realizing that I already understand what I require to understand in terms of the practical knowledge of the system and that the only way to actually become effective within stopping the fear within me is to push myself within stopping fear using the tools and knowledge that I have learned.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself and spite myself within continuing to allow fear within and as me to direct and control me when I have the tools and the knowledge necessary to assist and support myself to stop the fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear is an essential part of 'who I am' and that I cannot exist or function without fear when in fact I see/realize/understand that fear is not real and has never in fact supported me to be an effective being in this world and has only lead to unnecessary worry and diminishment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to stop fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate myself to and as fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone and procrastinate within the point of supporting myself to stop fear when and if it arises within me within the justification/excuse of “I am not ready to take this point on, I do not have the strength/will/ability to stop this fear and thus I will allow this fear to direct me this time” when in fact I see/realize/am aware that such statements are actually statements of deliberate self manipulation and diminishment because I am at all times capable to stopping fear and changing who I am in relation to fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the fear is protecting me and assisting me and that when I am faced with a situation in which I experience this fear that I should 'trust' this fear instead of realizing that by abdicating myself to this fear I am accepting a mental reality instead of supporting myself within my practical physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear within the perspective of believing that if I were to stand up and face my fears that I would be 'shot down' and would end up giving in to my fears anyway because that has been the pattern that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as.

Till here no further. I no longer accept myself to remain within and as the point of fear when I see/realize/understand that I have the tools as well as the practical knowledge of how the system of fear works and that I am fully capable of supporting myself to walk out of the fear and stand as self-directive principle.

I see/realize/understand that fear is not 'real' and is a system design that operates as a 'protection mechanism' which maintains and holds the current programmed nature of me as my personality as self-interest and that this fear is not actually protecting me, but is ensuring that I do not in fact actually dare to change.

I see/realize/understand that it is not about fighting or overpowering the fear because that will only lead to further separation and compounding wherein I am actually feeding and validating the existence of the fear – thus rather than trying to overpower or fight or attempt to suppress the fear within me I will allow myself to unconditionally see what is 'behind' the fear and how I allowed myself to design this fear within me so that I can in fact face and correct the real issue, realizing that fear is not who or what I am and that it is simply an indication of a point where I am not directing myself and am holding onto a belief/pattern that is in conflict with self-honesty.

When I see/notice/experience this point of fear within me I will not allow myself to simply accept the fear and 'go no further'. Rather I will stop the reaction/experience of fear within me by breathing and supporting myself to get back HERE to a point of stability within self and look at what is behind the fear as the 'trigger' for the fear experience and then apply myself within looking at practical solutions to the issue.

When I see/notice/experience the point of fear within me as resistance to looking at something within myself or before approaching a task that must be directed I will stop and realize that the fear is not valid and is completely unnecessary because anything that I am fearing or resisting is simply myself – my own creation – thus fear is always fear of self.

So as a point of practical correction when I notice this point of fear of writing about my fear I will support myself by living and applying the understanding that the fear itself is not real or valid and that it is only me trying to hide from myself, and that if there is a point where I fear to open up/expose, it is an indication that I am holding on to a selfdefinition instead of realizing that I am HERE as life and that nothing is ever “personal” - that there is nothing that I have done that I am not already 'aware of' within self honesty and there is no point in debating with myself or waiting for myself to forgive myself.

Okay – so now to push forward with what was 'behind' the fear of writing -

I see that I had developed an accumulated point of not wanting to 'look at' the points in my life where I still experience fear/anxiety/conflict due to fearing that by opening up these points I would have to ultimately move myself and change and take responsibility – believing that if I just 'ignore' the point I am able to have some 'leeway' and not have to face the consequences, which is actually the other way around because the more I convince myself that I am not able to take responsibility for myself in all aspects of myself, the more I am accepting and validating my diminishment and limitation and within this I am actually eroding and compromising my own point of self-trust and self-honesty – because how can I actually stand up as life if I am not able to trust my own words and be able to stand with myself no matter what?

So behind the fear of writing about what I fear and where I still experience fear/resistance/anxiety in my life I was actually reacting to the awareness that I do still have such points where I have not directed myself and instead of giving myself the opportunity to forgive the fear and see practical solutions to change myself and stop those fears and actually stand up, I was compromising myself by allowing the fear and resistance to be a 'wall' behind which I would hide from facing me as self-responsibility, and believing that I was not in fact able to 'handle' what was on the 'other side' of that wall – despite the fact there is no 'other side' and that the wall was just myself keeping my eyes closed while my world and my daily living continued to play out the manifested consequences of my inaction and failure to respond as my response-ability.

Self Forgiveness on Fear of Facing Fear in My Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear admitting to myself and being self honest with the points where I am still allowing myself to be directed and controlled by fear, wherein I am simply allowing the fear to direct me instead of realizing that I am able to see beyond the fear and understand how I created that fear and how I am able to practically support myself to effectively change me within my relationship to that which I fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop whenever I experience a point of fear or resistance and to accept that fear or resistance as an actual 'real' wall or barrier where I will not go any further or push myself beyond that threshold.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear writing about my fears and letting go of my fears due to having accepted and believed that those fears are who I am instead of realizing the simplicity of breathing and being here and seeing that I am already here and that I do not require fear to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for experiencing fear when I 'know better' instead of applying my knowledge practically to in fact stop the fear and develop and expand myself within my expression and my directive principle of me so that there is no reason to doubt or judge or diminish myself because I am in fact walking and living a process of self creation wherein I am becoming an effective being that I am able to be satisfied with and can stand as into eternity.

I see/realize/understand that by applying myself within not allowing the fear to be real but to simply see fear as an indication/opportunity to free myself from limitation and self-diminishment, I am able to walk through any fear that arises within me and thus I have no 'excuse' for continuing to allow the experience of and as 'fear'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and frustrated with myself within the belief that I am apparently 'stuck' in my experience of myself and being dissatisfied with who I have become and what I have done with my life so far, within accepting the fear of changing and standing up and daring to be more than I ever 'thought' I could be in my life.

Thus I walk myself within this application of supporting myself first to stop allowing fear to be the directive principle of me where I become 'paralyzed' and go into hesitation, procrastination, or excuses/justifications and instead realize that there is nothing to fear – not even fear itself – that all I require to do is breathe, bring myself back to the point of stability, and then walk myself practically AS the solution instead of walking as fear.

So now to apply this within my daily life – to stop this knowledge/information about fear and how we create it and what it does 'to' us, and begin applying my knowledge/information practically so that fear does nothing 'to' me because I am now standing within and as it, embracing it and bringing it back to self and allowing self to see behind the walls of fear and push for practical solutions in my life to in fact create me as a being that I no longer have to fear or distrust, but a being I am able to stand with and as within self-trust, self-respect, self-value, no matter what.

________________________________________________________________________________

Redefining Words

Here I am looking at the word “Resistance” as the experience within myself before facing/approaching a point where there is fear or where I am not allowing myself to change.

Dictionary Definition of “Resistance”

Resistance: re-sist-ance (noun)

1. The refusal to accept or comply with something: the attempt to prevent something by action or argument.
2. Armed or violent opposition

Okay so here within the word as how I have lived it within the point of resistance when facing self and self-change is how I will go into a stance of opposition to resist and not 'comply', wherein I see changing self as having to 'comply' as though I am giving up myself to an outside authority instead of seeing self change as a self directed movement.

So this 'stance' of 'resistance' is the part of me as ego, as self interest just like the protestors and political activists who take on the stance of 'opposing' and 'refusing to comply with' the system – instead of seeing the system for what it is and standing one and equal with and as the system to effectively change it.

So when I allow myself to experience this point of 'resistance' I am actually taking a stance to resist something that I am believing to be outside of myself upon which I have projected blame instead of realizing that I am one and equal to the point that I apparently 'resist' and that the more firm my 'stance' is within opposing this point, the harder and more difficult it will be to actually direct that point.

Thus here I see that 'resistance' is taking a 'stance' of resisting and opposing instead of integrating and standing one and equal, which only creates separation and further friction/conflict.

So when I see myself taking the stance of resisting and opposing I will stop myself and instead I will open up my stance and simply stand – realizing that fighting and trying to overthrow or overpower is only an act of separation and fear and will not lead to any real solution – and that when I am in a stance of resistance and opposition I am actually separating myself from the solution by making 'my way' and 'my point' and 'my bubble-reality' the only 'right one' and then I become combative and defensive and oppose anything that might challenge my 'stance' as 'resistance'.

So instead of taking the stance of resistance and opposition I will support myself to realize that I am not here to fight or oppose the 'system' – and will support myself by embracing and standing one and equal to and as the very system that I see requires to be directed within what is best for all. 

 

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"Home" Again

Coming “Home”

I am now living again with my mother and sister, back “home” after having spent many years “on my own” and having “my own way of living”.

It is fascinating because I was never actually living, nor was I actually on my own. My life had been primarily about trying to find 'stability', and in my search I did not consider that stability is not a place or some perfect circumstance that I must go out into the world and find.

Being here 'at home' is quite interesting. For a long while I have been dreading this point – I have been fearing having to “end up back here again” because when I initially left home many years ago it was because I couldn't stand it anymore – I could not stand living with my mother and I was building up a lot of anger, frustration, judgment, and definitely a lot of back-chat that led to an experience in which I simply had to leave or would have surely ended up doing something drastic or would have wanted to kill myself. At that time in my life I did not understand the point of emotions and feelings and what back-chat can do to a person if there is no method of 'checking-in' with self.

So, I left home, and I thought I would finally be free – I would finally be able to live my own life and be on my own. But when I look back I as not in fact ready – I simply went into a polarity manifestation as a result of all of the emotions and judgments I was carrying within myself – I was trying to run away from a situation that I felt powerless in, and I thought that by leaving it all behind I would be able to get a clean slate and start over.

What has ended up happening over the years is that I never actually faced all of the issues that led me to my 'decision' (I would say possession) to basically run a way from home one day. I allowed my frustration and fear to direct me and I ended up in situations that were not actually supportive or cool. I did not have sufficient self trust to actually stand up and support myself, and ended up becoming dependent on the help of friends who would assist me with getting me a place to stay while I tried to get 'on my feet'. Within this, I went from place to place, staying in various houses with various friends, living in garages or setting up a 'room' by hanging fabric in the corner of a living room, and sleeping on couches and computer chairs. All this time I was supported by my friends until I finally got a stable job and began to be able to afford paying rent – and finally getting a room for myself. But through all of this I was still searching for stability – still searching for that place or that perfect situation in which I would not have to worry again, and would be 'set' for the rest of my life – I never considered that the reason why my life remained so unstable was because I myself was constantly unstable – constantly unsatisfied, constantly afraid, constantly on the lookout for danger or warning signs indicating the possibility that my world would change and that I would have to change with it, or that my circumstances were not cool but I was 'stuck' where I was and did not have a 'way out', which was the exact same experience I would have back when I lived with my mother.

Now, about 8 years later, I find myself back “home”. Things did not work out for me as I had hoped – which is ironic because does anything ever work out the way we 'hope'? Hope itself is the very absence of action and self will.

There was a lot of reaction and frustration and anger within myself for 'having to end up back here' in seemingly the one place where I had defined myself as being 'unable to stand'. There are still points that I must direct and change, as points from the 'past' are here again, but as I push myself more and more to embrace what is here and realize that the stability and freedom that I have for so long been in search of, has always been HERE.

With the tools of self-writing and self-forgiveness as well as the desteni material and the ITD courses, I have been able to realize that I have existed as fear of loss and fear of change for a great portion of my life – in fact I would say ALL of my life – and what I am now seeing and realizing within this is that it does not in fact matter where I am, or who I am with, or what my living situation is – because what determines me and my experience of myself is what I accept and allow within myself.

Leaving the place where I used to live, which I had defined as a place that I was comfortable in, where I enjoyed the city and the people and the environment, and had created for myself the idea that I would finally be able to 'settle down', ending a relationship with another being that I had defined myself by, and moving back here to my current living situation seemed like the entire world had ended for me – as though I was completely lost and had utterly failed – had 'lost everything'.

But what have I actually lost? I have lost relationships that I had formed in my mind – I have lost the things that I attached value to in my attempt to find happiness and stability outside of myself. And now that these things are no longer a part of my life I see that the happiness and enjoyment that I had attached through those relationships were not real – and what I am left with here is the memories and experiences and thoughts I had participated in – which now seem ridiculous because if I hold on to them, I only create points of friction and resistance to the world in which I actually REALLY live in, as I disregard what is in fact HERE in my reality, in my environment, by trying to return to a “place” that I had built out of thoughts and feelings and pictures that exists only in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the point of stability within trying to seek out situations and people that will support me in the idea and belief that stability is something that I must find and attain through relationships with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to stand as my own point of stability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my self-honesty, my self-trust, my self-worth, my self-respect within trying to manipulate my world and the relationships within it so that I can experience the point of 'stability' which I have separated myself from.

Now I live and apply a new definition for the word “stability”, which I had for so long been searching for outside of myself. I will no longer define “stability” as that which is outside of and separate from myself.

My new definition of stability – Stable Is Me.

Stability is me being here with myself, as myself, unchanging and undefined by relationships in my world. Stability is me unchanging as the world around me and the people around me might change.

Stability is me realizing and living the realization that who I am is not composed of the relationships I form in my mind in regards to the people and places that I encounter and co-exist with.

Stability is me not compromising myself or 'losing myself' for the sake of trying to hold onto or control a certain situation or relationship in my life because of a fear of loss or a fear of change, because I am here always, and can never 'lose' myself.

Stability is me realizing and living the realization that I, as stability, am here and that it only takes a moment of breath to bring myself back to me, no matter where I am or who I am with, and that I will never abandon or give up on myself as long as I breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I am is based upon the relationships I am able to have with people and my environment in which I separate myself from the point of self enjoyment and self worth in the attempt to experience the energy of those relationships and thinking that such energy is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'lose' myself within definitions associated and attached to people, places, and preferences based either on positive associations or negative associations instead of realizing that I am HERE and that I am one and equal to all that is here in fact because we are all of the same substance, the same life force, and that the only thing that is separating myself from this point of equality is my own ego and consciousness, holding on to it's own networks of relationships, fearing to 'let go' and fearing to stop existing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear 'stopping existing'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate 'stopping existing' with fear and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by preferences and judgments in relationship to the places and the people in my world.

I stop. I am here. I let go of and stop reliving memories and experiences of the past and within this disregarding who I am HERE, in this present moment.

I let go of and stop wanting an ideal future, based on preferences and wanting to avoid my fears and resistances, instead of realizing that I am HERE and that whatever resistance or fear I have now, will not go away unless I stand up and face it HERE, NOW.

I stand. I continue. I am "home again"

Self Forgiveness - Fear facing the past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I just get away from the people and the places where I have had bad or traumatic experiences, then I won't have to deal with them again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can manipulate myself into 'forgetting' about unresolved issues within myself by not paying any attention to them and simply suppressing them down until I do not notice them anymore or have found ways to cope that then become part of who I am to such a degree that I no longer can tell where the coping mechanism ends and where I as who I have become as the living expression of me begins.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist having to walk through the moments within my life that I have defined as traumatic and stressful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that facing my past will be difficult and within this belief I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself into a future scenario in which I am already experiencing tension and stress which I am already reacting to, which I am already impulsing into my world as my reality, which I will then have to walk into.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as my ego, believing that I do not require to walk through and face my manifested consequences in real life because I have apparently seen the point and came to a realization and thus am 'better than' having to actually prove to myself that I have understood the realization and will live it in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist slowing down and humbling myself so that I can properly start over and get myself back up after falling on a point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the opinions and judgments of others instead of realizing that I am only projecting my own fears and judgments and reacting to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to and project onto others my own points of self-judgment and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist 'losing it all' within letting go of my comforts and self definitions and preferences, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my self-definitions, comforts, and preferences all that matter to me in this world instead of realizing that I am none of those things and that those things do not in fact define me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that things are not 'fair' in this system and that I am a victim to the unfairness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame 'the system'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the system.

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not correcting myself and pushing myself through self will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience regret and shame for what has already occurred.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others gossiping about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be able to support myself and get myself through the challenges of my 'life'.

I forgive myself that Ih ave accepted and allowed myself to fear losing control of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly want to win.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I am not winning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the polarity of winning and losing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate losing with being stupid and incompetent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose myself within my mind as thoughts, pictures, opinions, and beliefs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is too 'late' for me to change myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist letting to of what have in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can "have" and possess what is here as the moment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being on my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project that I will not be able to stand up and change the foundation and core of me as the design I have allowed myself to become


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire stability/acceptance/love from others instead of being in self-stability, self-acceptance, and self-love.

I stop. I cannot change manifested consequences but I can stop partiipating and reacting when I notice myself faced with a pattern that is a manifested consequence of the person i have accepted and allowed myself to be.


I will myself to walk through my points of resistance and fear and I will myself to birth myself as HERE as LIFE and I understand that within this I must walk a process to unravel all tht which is not real and all that which does not in fact support me to be the best and highest potential of expression in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the voice in my head which exists as self-talk/back-chat/secret mind thoughts which have no actual physical voice which I am able to stop in one moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within fear and limitation because of blaming the world and blaming my childhood and blaming those around me and thus victimizing myself through the years and not allowing myself to empower myself to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have allowed myself to disregard my self-honesty and self-integrity within fear of letting go of my limitations and self-beliefs. 

I stop. I correct this by willing myself to face myself and push myself to be and become my fullest potential in this life, beginning with sorting out my fears of the past and unresolved issues that still keep me from trusting myself and accepting myself.

Instead of finding ways to move further away from the points in my life where I have unresolved issues and fears and judgments and blame and trauma, I will myself to stand and bring it all HERE and walk through it with self forgiveness and self-corrective application until I am satisfied that I will no longer be compromised or limit myself within that point again.