There is so much to write about that for the last 10 minutes i have been writing sentences and paragraphs only to immediately delete them, having judged the words, the content, or the subject to be 'not good enough'.
so here I am going to take on the point/pattern within myself of doubting myself and allowing self to give up due to comparing myself to others or to an ideal that i have created within my mind.
this is a point that has been opening up for some time now and the more i allow myself to 'step into it' the more i am able to see it's design and the more effective i am in stopping and removing this pattern within myself.
the design of this system is such that i will often take on a new project and be very excited about it, and i will go into creating thoughts and projections and pictures of all the things i would want to accomplish within the project. what then occurs is i will be mesmerized by the picture and projected desire of what i want and then i will see that i am not at a stage where i am able to manifest that desire immediately.
what happens next is that i go into another form of projection, where instead of looking at all the cool things that i wanted, i go into a mode of fear and projecting myself into pictures and thoughts of messing things up and having wasted time and losing credibility with self and with others for not accomplishing something that i had said i would do. in having projected myself into this future failure, i then react to 'save' myself by stopping and giving up on the project so that i do not have to face the possibility of having to fall from a greater height.
this point of 'holding back' and 'waiting' is something that i see is incredibly limiting, as all things that spring from the mind-consciousness system are. specifically the point of 'holding back' and 'waiting' keep me in a self created downward spiral where i am constantly seeking the next big project to 'redeem myself' with, and then going into fear that i won't be able to 'pull it off', having already created an idea and desired result/outcome. and what happens within this kind of a loop is because i have the desire to redeem myself by finally pushing through and accomplishing something, i immediately go into memory of past attempts to 'redeem myself' and immediately the pressure builds, seeing that if i fail again this time, it would be another point where i have 'failed' and must have further 'redemption', which leads me to seek a bigger, better project with which to redeem myself through, and then the pattern repeats.
so the practical solution here is NOT to allow any points of giving up, and at the same time NOT participating or allowing any starting-point other than self-movement.
I see that in holding on to wanting to prove something of myself all i am doing is reiterating the fact that i am lacking and must prove myself, and from that starting point all that i do would be for the sake of getting the 'reward' of validation and redemption and would NOT be an act of actual self-movement and self-expression, thus it is doomed from the get-go to die out when the energy driving it dissipates.
so within this act of committing to write each and every day, i stand and i take this point on, and i clear myself of all desires and thoughts of wanting/needing to 'not mess up on this one' in order to redeem myself from my past and to validate who i am as an ego.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to write each and every day in order to prove that i am able to commit to something and see it through
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to keep up with writing each and every single day and fearing what people might think.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to write from a starting point of wanting to redeem myself and be validated by others.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within fears of not knowing what to write or not knowing if my writing is 'good enough'
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to write for others in return for validation and acceptance instead of writing for and as self within self-dedication
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear missing a day of writing as a projected fear associated with me not being able to then 'redeem' myself.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to 'redeem' myself as my past
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seek attention and acceptance from others who walk with desteni and are taking on this point of daily writing
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to write what my mind/ego/personality deems to be fitting in order to gain validation and acceptance.
I do not allow myself to participate within trying to redeem myself through my daily writing
I write each day as a self-movement wherein I accumulate through time and consistency self-trust and self-will to do whatever it takes to stand by my words and principles.
I write each day to stabilize and support myself within clearing up the words that I write, the words that I speak, and the words that I live.
I write each day to assist and support myself in letting go of the mind and putting myself out and sharing my process within and as humility and humbleness, baring all points and all secrets.
I write each day as an act of self-care, exposing self to self and daring to actually hold myself accountable.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i require to be redeemed.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear my past and thus project my fears into the future
I establish for myself self-will each day as i write about what is here in my world, what is here within myself, and i correct myself and align myself to what is best for all as i write.
I apply myself within all that i do within the consideration of the equality equation of 1+1=2, accumulating with each breath, each day, what is best for all and expanding myself to reach my full potential in this life.
I stop giving up when things seem hard.
I stop giving up because I cannot immediately have things the way I want.
I stop demanding that things go the way I planned.
I let go of all fear that if things are not going well or things are not looking like the way i pictured then I am not doing it right and will eventually fail.
I walk no matter what, and I do not give up.
I shall apply this within all that I do - until it is done.