Sunday, May 8, 2011

Change CAN happen in One Breath

Here I am writing out the points that I am facing now in my world – having manifested consequences unfortunate consequences for myself which I now walk through, and looking at how I got to this point.

I am going to be moving – the agreement has ended and there will not be any further consideration of working things out between myself and the other to continue walking together. What has been revealed is the extent of my ego and self-interest – which has undermined by ability to be trusted – and thus I cannot walk equal with her in this moment as what i've accumulated so far.

Within this I see that because I did not push myself and correct myself when I saw the points where I required self-movement, I have been walking a very big time loop – and within this loop I have fallen – and now must face the manifested consequences of deliberate self-dishonesty and manipulation – which has resulted in the abuse of others and the abuse of trust given to me.

It is not acceptable that I stand with desteni when my own point of absolute dedication to self-honesty and accountability is in question – thus I now face who I am within no longer having support from this partner and being accountable for what I owe in terms of all that she has provided for me financially. I have, within ego and self-interest, abused the support and have taken advantage of her within not actually appreciating the opportunity that I had being here, with everything that I needed and with lindsay's unwavering support and dedication to self-honesty. Due to me not being willing to actually face the point of self-responsibility and pushing myself to support myself and apply self-corrective application, I allowed myself to become dependent and within this I allowed myself to rely on lindsay instead of walking equal within a process of two beings supporting each other equally within dedication.

This is the result of back-chat that was not directed and immediately corrected – back-chat that had been present within me before the agreement began – the back-chat of fearing to stand alone and support myself and actually be an example of process and self-change within self-honesty. I was too afraid to let go of my personality and ego – believing that I required my ability to manipulate connive in order to survive and not actually stand up.

I humble myself in this moment – and I allow myself to grieve for the lost potential of what could have been within walking equal with a partner – that path cannot be walked now due to accumulated manifest consequences that I must take responsibility for. She cannot walk with me – as the 'me' that I currently am, which cannot be trusted. I have gratitude for her example – and what she stands for. I am grateful for the acceleration of my process within so many points that have been revealed within the time that I have walked with her.

So I am facing a point of crumbling – and walking into uncertainty and also now having to 'restart' my process of establishing self as the authority and self-directive principle within self-honesty within what is best for all. Having not lived my self-forgiveness I now face the requirement of proving myself through actual applied living – standing in the thick of the storm AS my self-change and prove for myself that I am able to stand no matter what and that I am able to be accountable.

I am facing now the point of having to move out – I am unclear how this will unfold at the moment. I face the possibility of not being able to get another place right away, and possibly not being able to support myself financially– which is exactly the very rooted back-chat that has been my evil twin through this process – compromising myself constantly to this point of fearing to actually stand alone without support. So here it is.

I take this moment to reflect on my process – have I actually changed? My awareness has increased – but within this so has my self-manipulation – suppressing the points that I am revealing to myself within self-investigation instead of taking responsibility and stopping my fears and anxieties. I have applied self-forgiveness as a means to 'cope' – to in a moment release myself, but have not been consistent with following through and living as the self-forgiveness as Living Words that stand the test of time – as I find myself facing the same points over and over.

Have I actually changed? Some – and within this 'some' I may as well say I have changed none at all. It is NOT desteni or this process that is to blame for what I experience – blame is not to be found anywhere – not even with myself – blame is the accusation of a point within separation from all there is . Rather than blame, I accept and embrace my responsibility. Within participating with desteni I have been given a gift more precious than anything in existence – the ability and support to stand up for life – to have the awareness of self to be able to see my own enslavement and to be given the tools to my own salvation. This is a once in an existence opportunity.

I can say that what has changed is my awareness of what is going on and how I am manifesting my life – and how important it is to actually have the courage to LIVE self-change within self-honesty and standing up as life – not allowing limitation or ego, and within all things to do what is best for all.

I reflect on bernard's feedback to a letter I wrote – where he said:

“Accountability Is the process of self correction where you forgive yourself
and you stop with the dishonesties. Thus you breathe effectively and focus
on the things that make you in this world a better being while you take on
the system to make it what is best for all. In this, you have only one
opportunity of exposure, where you stand and take responsibility. If you
fall, you have no longer that approach to use --and one must then walk
silently and focussed to show accountability through actual change.
You must decide how to approach., because forgiveness one can never get.
Self forgiveness is but the starting point from which one recreate yourself
into self awareness and responsibility as life.”

Accountability is the process of self-correction indeed – to actually forgive myself and realize that I do NOT have to keep living this pattern. That I do NOT have to exist this way, to experience myself this way, and to DARE myself to prove it. Within this it is to live within and as the courage to stand as self-honesty no matter what – to always find a way to stand within what is best for all. To focus on each breath that I take and ensure that I am expanding where I am effective – to push myself within the points that make me a better being in this world – a being that can be trusted with life – a being that is self-willed as I take on the greater system and stand with those who do the same.

So, it is time for me to 'man up' – to take responsibility for myself – for the life I am living – for what I am accepting and allowing within myself as thoughts, feelings, and emotions which are of self-interest and abuse – to STOP.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself due to having made similar commitments and statements before and not having lived them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist letting go of my back-chat as that which I have defined myself by.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that change cannot happen instantly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that stopping is a 'process' and within this to allow myself to 'take my time' within changing and asserting self as the authority of all that I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot redeem myself and live my self forgiveness for myself and move as my expression of that self-forgiveness unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek redemption and forgiveness from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within fear and self-denial of the power of self to change and to commit to changing – within standing back up after each and every fall no matter what until I stop falling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'slowing down' means to physically slow down to a point of not even directing what is necessary to be directed – and within this I allow myself to see that 'slowing down' actually allows me to assess the point in greater detail in a much faster way and that I am able to move myself quite quickly and effectively within this point of directiveness. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on that which diminishes me - as the fears and excuses of my ego/mind/personality/self-interest instead of focusing on that which allows me to expand and accumulate that which is best for all as my living expression. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from and as my self-expression within self-judgment and self-limitation.

I STOP. I push myself and move myself as self-expression and self-joy within the expression of self-honesty as who I am and I will not allow myself to compromise my self-honesty.

I move myself to speak, write, and express simply what is here and what I stand for and I STOP stifling myself within self-purpetuated fear.

When I see or notice myself in a point of fear or holding myself back, I STOP and I assess the situation within what is best for all, and then I live as courage, as self-movement, as self-trust, to express myself without holding back or manipulating or compromising.

Can I change in one moment? Can I stand up and not fall again? Absolutely. Within having the realization and making the firm commitment, and then physically living that commitment as self-expression unconditionally, I will myself to change in one moment and forever let go of the past within applied self-forgiveness
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by my past and by my failures instead of pushing myself to stop and find a way to assert myself as LIFE as self-honesty within what is best for all. 

I align myself to what is best for all. I stand within the principle of doing what is best for all in the best way that I can in each moment as I push myself and expand myself and express myself within self-honesty and take responsibility. Within self-honesty and embracing responsibility I give myself the authority and power to stop my limitations and fears and anxieties and resistances and I WILL myself to stand here as self-will.

I hold myself accountable and I take responsibility within changing myself and adjusting myself and aligning myself to stand no matter what. I will assist myself with the tools of writing, applying self-forgiveness, speaking points out loud within sound in the physical, moving myself and pushing myself – ensuring that I am respecting myself as life and not compromising myself by allowing the mind to make decisions for me as life.

I commit to walking this process no matter what – and I stand by these words. The commitment I make to myself as life is to continue my process and to never give up on myself – and to never accept 'failure' and 'falling' as myself – but to see them as opportunities to gauge my strengths and see where I require to push myself further.

Instead of being in fear of a point I will support myself within writing and speaking the point out and seeing what is the best for all solution within it, and stand by that, and push myself to live that.

I have this one life – I shall not waste it. I shall leave this earth a better place than it is now, that any who come will not have to face this atrocity. I insist that this madness end within my lifetime – I will do whatever it takes to see to this, starting with sorting myself out and building my foundation. I do not allow this 'fall' to define me.

I am grateful for the tools of the Desteni I Process – even in my seemingly darkest hours, I am never 'alone' – I am never left without a solution or a light at the end of the tunnel. I am never without the ability to forgive myself and support myself to stop my mind and actually become a stronger individual. I am never without the ability to change myself and take responsibility within my world – and that is the most precious and valuable thing in this world that I have ever known – the ability to realize ourselves and set ourselves free.

I thank those who walk – those who stand – those who have made the commitment to never give up on themselves and to insist that change is possible – and to live as the example of that. I thank those who continue to walk this process through hell and back as we face the deepest corners of ourselves and take responsibility for what we have accepted and allowed within ourselves. Such people are my greatest inspiration – and I will myself to stand with them no matter what. I take a breath, I forgive myself, I walk until this is done.

Hey - anybody looking for a room-mate?

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