Opening myself up... it's an easy thing to do alone. Though it becomes immeasurably more difficult when another person is involved.
To actually FACE the truth of who you are. To actually FACE what you've allowed yourself to become... in full vulnerability with another person... now THAT takes some will.
I dared myself to open up... to absolutely honestly face the truth of me with another person... in which I open up totally my deceptions... my games... my secrets... my outright manipulations... down to the very thoughts.
I've never done this before. Not ever. Not like this.
To what extent do I continue to hide myself within my supposed "safety" of secrets and deceptions? What kind of a life is that? Why can I not stand ALWAYS as honesty?
It has been a while since I had a good "hurt" on. Right now it's hurting a bit. But it is not a "woe is me, life is hard, pity pity me me me" hurting. This is the kind of hurt that runs deep... runs to the very core of you. This is the kind of hurt that surfaces when you've excavated far too deeply into the truth of you, and you end up unearthing things you thought you could keep buried forever.
It is different now though... as most things have become rather different for me. The hurting is not a misery... it is an indication... a signal... that I've done exactly as I should if I am to be honest with myself totally. It is a sign that I have indeed stood up to challenge myself.
After totally exposing myself... down to the very thoughts I was having about the person... totally opened up in vulnerability to that person... there was a release I've never known before... but afterward... when the conversation ended and I continued with my "life"... the hurt came.
I found myself attached... I found myself needing to open up again... and I needed... desperately needed to speak to this person again. But within this was the fuckup. I had created something "special" in my mind around this person. I was drawn to that special experience. I had tasted a moment of actually LIVING my process of self honesty... and here I find myself unable to do that with other people in my life... people who "know" me and have pre-existing beliefs about who I am and how I should be.
Still waters run deep.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a "safe haven" with another person to whom I exclusively am able to be totally vulnerable and honest
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "miss" the experience of talking to this specialized person, whom I've attributed a greater value to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that want, need, and desire a special relationship in which I can hide from all others.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted or allowed myself to be my own point of stability within self direction and self honesty.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to experience and participate within the construct of "missing" somebody that I have decided to make special.