It is clear that my application in regards to stopping my accepted constructs of "unworthiness" and "incompetence" have not been effective or specific enough.
So... I am going to go back and pin down where this is coming from and why I am facing it so intensely lately.
My recollection of being "unworthy" comes from my upbringing as a child under the care of my mother, who was an abusive parent. I accepted and allowed a lot of emotional and physical abuse while she raised me. Within this, there have been many moments where I have been told that I was a "mistake", that I am a "failure" or "stupid".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take in the anger and abuse and emotional pain within and as myself and to not have a proper outlet for them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the belief that I am a mistake, a failure, or stupid.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that my mother was acting out her own programming because she too did not have any other outlet for the pains that she endured.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a “victim” of my past and of my childhood experiences of being raised in an “abusive” environment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the very manifestation of that which I accepted and allowed myself to become due to my beliefs regarding being incompetent or unworthy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and become my mother’s judgments out of fear of losing her “love” and support.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the construct of me being “incompetent” by actually manifesting incompetence within my participation with the world instead of standing up within and as self trust and self direction to NOT submit to the limitation of being “incompetent”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and become the very manifestation of “unworthiness” by actually manifesting my unworthiness within my participation with the world instead of standing up within and as self trust and self direction to NOT submit to the belief that I am “unworthy”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as incompetent and unworthy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in creating moments of my apparent incompetence or unworthiness by allowing events to become “too vast” for me to handle “on my own” and thus allow myself to abdicate myself further.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest myself so fully within the belief of incompetence and unworthiness that I deliberately prevent myself from realizing that I can stand stable within and as self trust.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define events around me as having power over me, and that I cannot control what happens within my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be only the “victim” in the situation of my life instead of actually standing up and taking directive action within self trust.
There were times when each and every day, I was scolded and berated for long periods... sinking in all of the anger from my mother... sinking in all of the judgment. Taking it all into myself and becoming it... actually letting the words and the heated emotions behind them drive into my body and reside there, where I as a child under my mother's care had no outlet... had no means of expressing the pain and anger I was consuming.
Within this, I abdicated myself over to being a "failure"... accepting that I would always be in the "wrong", that I would always be scolded and called all kinds of demeaning names by my own mother, who apparently "knows me best". I accepted the resentment, the regret.
This acceptance grew within me... compounding as me... growing as I grew into adulthood... one and equal within and as my very being. I could do nothing right... I would always need her to correct me and scold me because I could not ever be "right". I could not ever be effective on my own... something was functionally "wrong" with me.
In several areas of my life, i stopped "progressing". I saw my friends "grow" into their lives and move within the world... getting their licenses to drive, getting jobs, going to college, living life. I did not do any of those things. I was not "given" those things and therefore did not allow myself to have them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will always require assistance from others and will not be able to accomplish anything on my own effectively.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am functionally incapable of taking care of myself and attending to my tasks proficiently.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself constantly and continuously by finding others who apparently are able to do things “better” than me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the constructs of not standing up, not taking self responsibility, not realizing myself as stability and self support HERE within and as the physical within and as breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly script my “future” by constantly anticipating and fearing failure instead of realizing that in fEARING and am only nEARING the very experiences I do not want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly “give up” on my projects because I do not believe I am “good enough” or “smart enough” to see them through into completion on my own.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that each time I “give up”, I am only compounding and intensifying that which I judge as being “larger than me” and within this, I give more power to that which has “power over me”, even though eventually I will be FORCED to go through this resistance even if it means losing everything.
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by the time i was 22 and still living at home with my mother... dreading each and every day of being in her presence... hating myself and the image i had become... deliberately sleeping in and staying up late at night so as to reduce the time i would actually have to be around her... i decided that i could not continue.
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I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that my mother is acting out of her programming and mind constructs and not actually aware of what she is doing.
I forgive myself that I have judged my mother to have been deliberately abusive and to accept this as her “nature”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto judgment and resentment regarding my mother.
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i decided that i would rather die on the street without support from her or anyone rather than depend on her for my survival in this world. and with that decision, i set up a situation for me to run away from home... and leave my little sister behind.
at 23, i was "homeless". I stayed at the house of a friend... slept on a couch in their living room or on a chair in their computer room, or on the floor. i did this for months, living off of the charity of my friends. eating what i could, when i could.
and then finally moving out into a house with other friends... where i set up a "room" for myself in the living room (there were not enough rooms for me). I hung up fabric sheets to be my "walls". I lived there for about a year, in a fabric walled cube in the living room. I ate crackers and ramen noodles. I would sometimes steal small bits of food from grocery stores because i didn't have any money.
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within moving into my friend’s house, again abdicate myself over to my situation and allowing myself to experience myself as a “victim” of my circumstances.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within living off of the charity of my friends, accept and allow myself to stop standing up for myself and pushing myself to support myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to take care of me or help me with all of my problems.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within staying for free at my friend’s house, not apply myself to find a temporary job or to not submit myself to being a “freeloader” or an “unfortunate homeless person”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within staying for free at my friend’s house, accept myself as being unable to do anything practical about my situation because I was “in between” homes.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within staying for free at my friend’s house, believe that I was not able to change my situation instead of accepting my “fate”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within moving into my first place with other friends, believe that I could not get a job because I did not have a degree and did not have a car, and thus did not actively apply myself in getting a job on my own.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that within not pushing myself to get a job on my own by my own merits, I was actually abdicating myself again to my beliefs of unworthiness and incompetence, and once again scripting out my own failures before even giving myself an opportunity to change myself and my situation.
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after that, i moved into another house... again the situation arose where the other roomates had jobs and cars... and i didn't... and there weren't enough rooms for all of us. so we constructed a room for me in the garage (car park). we built a makeshift room out of wood wall panels bought from a supply store. and i stayed in that garage through winter and summer. i found a job... and walked to and from work each day.
now, i am in the same house, though i am now properly renting a room. i have a bed, i have amenities, i have clothes, i have food, i have income, i have a computer, i have books and several things to entertain me.
by most accounts i have "succeeded" in standing up... in forcing myself... in supporting myself.
yet i only got to where i am from the charity of friends. i got to where i am from allowing others take care of things for me. i got to where i am NOT by standing up for myself but by making OTHERS do it.
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I forgive myself that I have judged myself so harshly in terms of accepting help and assistance from others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in denial of the fact that there are times in life in which practical help and assistance are required and that one does not need to judge self needlessly for using the help available when it is practical to do so.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the generosity and assistance of others as an excuse to not assist and support myself, whereby I am actually abusing myself by becoming dependent upon others, which also abuses others by making them part of my “drama”.
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Ever since i removed myself from my mother and any support she would have given, I have been tumbling... completely cut off from any stability. she was the sole stability within my life.... she was the only "source" of support for my survival in the world... but i could not let myself live under her... i could no longer stand not standing, and taking more of her abuse. i fled and ran away.
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, through the abdication of myself as self trust, defined my mother to be the only source of support for my survival in this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to absolutely give over my self trust due to fear of losing my mother’s support in providing for me and “looking after” me.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that my mother is acting upon her own insecurities and fears and using me as a mirror as we mirror each other.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to consider that my mother’s behaviors were not actually about me, but about her own issues unresolved from her own upbringing.
I unconditionally forgive myself as my mother.
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and i have been running ever since, really. i have been running from the fear... the utterly paralyzing construct of me being "defective"... me being "unable to support myself"... "unable to live properly in this world like others do".
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use “running away” and “giving up” as my means of dealing with and coping with the fear mechanisms so extensively manifested within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that I cannot run away or hide or give up… because I cannot deny who and what I have accepted myself to become, as I am HERE in the physical, and my world is but an indicator of who and what I am.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that I cannot keep “putting off” or procrastinating… because the consequences only grow more intense, and I will and must face consequences, and therefore it is better to remain here as self honesty and self trust and deal with my acceptances head on, HERE.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to LIVE the realization that I cannot truly run away from myself, and that myself is the cause of my experience in the world.
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within my life i have wanted to do great things... accomplish great things... manifest great creations of self expression... but have always failed... have always petered out just before the end like a candle snuffed before it's time.
why? i have so completely become the manifestation of my fears... so completely and physically manifested as "incompetence" and "unworthiness"... and "procrastination" as well as "ineffectiveness". it is who and what i am in my physicality... and it has been the general pattern of my life.
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I forgive myself that I have constantly and continuously participated within and as fear and lack of self trust, and within that have constantly participated within giving up and sabotaging myself for failure to such an extent that my actual physicality reflects these constructs absolutely.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the physical manifestation of my fears, which has led to the physical manifestation of incompetence, giving up, fear, lack of self trust, and unworthiness within and as my physical human body, which is the result of me LIVING the constructs and not LIVING HERE.
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if i am to make any real change... this construct... at it's very core... must be faced. i must stand. just as i could not let myself live within the boundary of my mother's abuse... i cannot let myself live under the acceptance of this fear.
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TILL HERE, NO FURTHER.
Until Here, And No Further.
This is the point where I STOP immediately within participating within and as the accepted fears and constructs I have engrained myself with from my upbringing.
I UNCONDITIONALLY forgive myself and my mother as myself for our experiences in living out our programming and our constructs, feeding into each other and intensifying our system manifestations.
I AM self support HERE.
I AM the one breathing and typing THESE VERY WORDS as a statement of SELF, and not as an intellectual exercise.
This applications IS ME, STOPPING and refusing to abdicate my point of SELF TRUST and SELF DIRECTION.
Come what may… hell or high water… I am HERE and I declare I will no longer accept or allow myself to live within and as the constructs of FEAR, LACK OF SELF TRUST, INCOMPETENCE, UNWORTHINESS, and GIVING UP.
When I have the urge to go into fear, or lack of self trust, incompetence, unworthiness, or giving up, I will STOP and I will NOT participate. I will STAND and breathe and bring myself back to HERE and direct myself within self honesty and self trust.
I will STOP.
I AM the STOP.
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