Monday, December 20, 2010
My role and responsibility in the great energy ponzi scheme
My role within the problem of existence and the consequences of energy addiction.
Initially we existed in terms of physical energy- physical beings that emerged from the planet of our origin. We existed as physical energy that would return to it's source- return to the planet and reintegrate fully back to the planet of our origin. Physical reality and time did not exist as it does today.
Yet within the individualization of ourselves as emerged beings from these planets we formed perspectives and opinions within our expression and began to hold these points of view as having value, and thus began to compare and fight for the validity of our points of view between ourselves. Here, we created the entity that we know now as the mind- a projection of our points of view- a projection of our opinions and beliefs- forming a separate energy based on the actual physical energy and substance- but never returning back to the source. This separate energy exists from the friction and 'fusion' resulting in holding 'individual' points of view, individual opinions and beliefs, individual 'minds' which clash and result in forming an energetic entity- which we now know as 'personality'.
This separate and individual energy resulting from individualized expressions holding on to and assigning value to their own perspectives is not the original source energy from which we emerged from our planets of origin. This separate energy is a manifestation of the mind and cannot exist without friction and cannot exist without the actual physical substance from which this separate and individual energy is derived.
This was the case before the plan set forth by Anu and his coterie of would be gods. Thus it is irrelevant to place blame upon Anu for what he implemented, as Anu was simply using what was already here in terms of our own self willed enslavement to our own minds- to our staunch self definitions as individual beings not willing to release and let go of the energy addiction that has consumed the physical reality for billions of years.
HOW is the question I am standing here with at this moment. HOW did I allow myself to participate in this for so very long, to such an extent that I have completely lost all of who and what I am in exchange for a momentary experience within a separate energy existing within my own mind, destined to diminish and remain nothing more than the echo of a thought that once possessed substance? HOW did I come to be here, in the way I am at this moment, having existed as nothing more than pictures and symbols created from energy which must be siphoned from the actual physical living substance that is here?
I am responsible for this as much as Anu or anyone else. I am just as 'guilty' of having defined myself by my opinions and beliefs and point of view. I am responsible because I was equal in my participation of allowing myself as a being to live through this separate energy that cannot sustain itself and must be taken from what is already here.
Thus I am responsible for everything in this current reality- all and every playout of my own energy and mind addiction and self definition within 'individuality' as a separate being seeking only my own gratification within self interest wherein 'self' is believed to be a unique and sovereign being separate from the rest of existence.
Questions such as 'can it really be this way' and 'how do I know' are evidence of how lost I have become within the reasoning and logic of my mind, my personal definitions and symbols attempting to create a world that exists at my convenience, disregarding all that must be consumed in order for me to have such questions exist within myself.
For myself I see that I have extensively participated within going into my mind and creating thoughts, pictures, fantasies, beliefs, opinions and alternate realities in which I dwell in order to have an experience of myself that I prefer to have over what is already here. I have participated extensively within creating scenarios and situations that play out within my secret mind, where I am having relationships with people that do not actually take place here in the actual physical, wherein I am using the energy of the physical- the actual substance of life- to fuel and power my self created alternate worlds in which I am god and master, in which I am able to have any experience of myself I desire to have. I have become addicted to this ability to create 'better' worlds and 'better' experiences to entertain myself within, to live within, to such a degree that I have come to define myself AS the figments of my imaginary lives, identifying myself AS the “joe kou” that I create in my mind with all of the adventures and virtues that I have imbued within my digital, mind created self- disregarding what is here in my reality, and at what cost my flights of fancy have come.
I cannot continue to live as 'joe kou'. I cannot continue to exist within the apparent 'safety' of having private realities and private worlds created within my mind into which I am able to escape. I cannot continue to participate in my energy addiction.
Within me there has been countless excuses and justifications... myriad ways through which I have given myself 'logical' and 'reasonable' self manipulation, consistently finding ways to hide and abdicate actual responsibility and actual consideration for life. I have abused myself within this process by participating within these excuses and justifications- and I did this because I did not want to let go of my energy addiction and my ability to create alternate worlds and fantasies and to exist as a being that I am not in fact.
Simplistically, I must stop. I will no longer participate and allow myself to hold on to energy and creating emotional experiences for myself in order to not face what is here in each breath and in each moment, considering what I am doing to this reality within my participation. In this moment and every moment until this is done I must be diligent and stop myself each and every time I go into energy and mind or go into excuses or wanting to hold on to a point of view or perspective. I am not my perspective. I am not my point of view. I am not my personality. There is only ONE point of view that is valid, and that point of view is what is here in this moment without bias, judgment, opinion, belief, ideals, emotions, or definitions of the mind.
I have said these words to myself before and I have not applied them. I have not stood as the living word within self correction and self will and thus I now must face the consequences by having to loop myself back to this point of dedication. I must stop fucking around because this is not a game.
Speaking empty words will only trap me into being an empty being. Words are not simply noises symbolizing concepts. Words and living words are what build this reality. Thus I must establish this point of self will absolutely so that my word can be trusted- so that I can be trusted.
I have fallen on this point- and it is not acceptable to remain fallen within this. Thus to will myself to get back up knowing that I have compounded this for myself, that I will and must walk this absolutely until I stop falling.
Context exists HERE. Change exists HERE. Life exists HERE. All that is here in this moment is what I require to direct and perfect myself within. All that is here in this moment is all that I am able to actually direct and perfect myself within. Anything else would be another picture- another thought- another opinion I am accepting and allowing myself to be directed by.
Words here are not enough. Writing a blog is not enough. Watching desteni videos and making vlogs is not enough. Simply stating that I commit to something is not enough. Speaking knowledge and information is not enough. It is not acceptable to make statements without living them. It is not acceptable to speak words that are not living words as the actual manifested expression of myself. It is not acceptable to use words in separation in order to contrive an outcome based on self interest in order to continue to generate and sustain private worlds in which I am god of my own creation, disregarding all that is here.
The mess of this world has been my direct responsibility because I have not spoken living words, but words of deception and self interest- seeking to protect and validate a self image within my mind. At the moment I do not even want to type... I have so separated myself from self trust that I am disgusted now at my words. Yet this disgust is simply a distraction in order for me to participate within an energetic experience of disgust rather than moving myself within practical correction. This is how I continuously loop myself- going into judgment or reactions as a manipulation for myself to participate within energetic emotional experiences instead of directing myself to simply drop all thoughts and energy in the moment- no longer participating in it.
Lindsay has been of continued support- I am seeing that who I am and who she is within this agreement will bring up and expose the deep and 'secret' aspects of myself which must be stopped and let go of. This is exactly where I need to be because I am having so many points come up and being exposed. I am seeing how staunchly I have been guarding these self definitions. I am seeing how invested I had become within my limitations- fighting to preserve them at times. I am also seeing the self interest within having preferences and pictures and ideas about what I would 'like' our agreement to be- which is cool to see because I am starting to notice all of these 'subtle' points of deception within myself.
There are so many points that have been integrated within and as myself at such a level that I am not consciously aware of- they have become automated systems that function without my conscious participation because these patterns have become 'who I am' within what I have been living and accepting myself as- thus these points will be exposed within walking my agreement fully with Lindsay. Within this I am seeing what it takes to walk an effective agreement- and I am seeing why it is necessary for beings to walk their process within agreements- as this is a way to ensure that we are not fucking around within ourselves- and that we are not glossing over points that require direction.
Whenever I go into fears or not trusting myself within this agreement I know that I am in 'the right place'. It is me standing at the place where I am having resistances- me standing at the place where I want to run, hide, quite, give up on myself. It is these places that I require to stand and remain standing- no longer accepting separation or limitation. Whenever the thought arises that “I am not good enough” or “I cannot be trusted”, I know that I am in my mind, defending my self definition within limitation, still holding on to my addiction to energy and creating separate worlds within myself, identifying myself as my personality and as the characters I create within my mind which I have lived in secret. Whenever I have the thought of “I should end this agreement” that is when I know I am accepting limitation and mind- and that is where I must breathe- stand- correct myself- let go of the energy- and continue until it stops- until I stop haunting myself as an energetic ghost and I am able to remain here.
The thoughts of wanting to 'give up' come when I am at a point of wanting to protect an aspect of my secret mind, my personality, my self definition, my 'point of view'. When I feel threatened, that is an indicator for me that I am possessed by a self definition that I am not wanting to 'lose'. Only that which can be deleted- that which is not real- that which has an actual mortality is able to fear 'death' or being 'lost'- thus if I fear to lose it, it will be dead eventually and will be exposed eventually anyway- thus best to expose it and release myself from it.
For myself there has been resistance pushing through the application of sharing myself fully, unconditionally, absolutely, in every moment with Lindsay. I have made my commitment and I have made my decision to walk this agreement without backdoors- and me still resisting sharing myself and exposing myself completely with her IS a backdoor that is not acceptable. This I no longer accept this behavior and no longer accept this manipulation in order to hold on to my self interest within this agreement. In walking this agreement with Lindsay it is no longer about what I prefer. There can exist no preferences within this agreement. We stand within ourselves to the dedication of our lives to birthing ourselves from the physical and to walk our corrective application to self perfection and we will support each other as equals- within this no secrets, no agendas, no holding back is acceptable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'hold back' out of fear of having to let go of my self definitions
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within this back door of fearing to expose all of myself out of fear of how lindsay will react.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep walls and barriers up between myself and Lindsay in order for me to have 'space' in which I am still holding on to self interest and ego.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to walk through and face all of myself exposed
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am able to hide from myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of 'Lindsay does not trust me” in order to justify me own participation in holding back and not being absolutely unconditional in sharing EVERYTHING that is going on within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to hold on to individuality within my agreement with Lindsay in order to not fully go in to the details of my design as a system and to have 'space' for 'myself'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the ego and personality that I have created within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within excuses and justifications in order to not bring myself to the point of actually integrating and living the change that is necessary when points are brought up and exposed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate and distract myself from actually walking this process and committing myself 100 percent.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist committing to something 100 percent due to fear that I may fall and will lose my 'position' in the eyes of others, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making self directive statements out of fear and resistance to actually standing and living the words I speak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to the ability to manipulate myself and others in order to get what I want and in order to hold on to myself within my self definitions and limitations.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am 'self honest' when I am still holding on to my self definitions within self interest in order to protect myself from facing my responsibilities.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking direct control of my life and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to 'handle' myself effectively.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear walking my process with Lindsay 100 percent in full dedication due to self interest and wanting to have things done 'my way'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going to places and doing things where I have resistances in order to continue living within those self limitations as well as to continue existing within energetic experiences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist changing and remaining here within self application and dedication due to not wanting to let go of creating my own inner worlds with energy that I derive from emotional manipulation of myself and others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use judgment and fear of judgment as covers in order for me to not let go of the energetic experiences I am able to have when I judge myself, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use judgment as a mechanism to further deceive and manipulate myself and others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in doubting myself, wherein I am creating that which I doubt in order to experience the energetic experience and emotion of 'doubt' as an experience of myself within my self definition as ego/personality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within fear, wherein I am creating that which I fear and placing myself in a position of inFEARiority in order to justify remaining in my self definition/ego/personality and to be able to experience energetic emotional experiences within myself which validate and feed my self definition/ego/personality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within 'happiness' wherein I am creating that which I 'enjoy' and 'like' and 'desire' to be special within separation, which creates friction within my reality and is then turned into energy which I use to experience the energetic experience of 'happiness', 'enjoyment', and 'liking something', which validates and feeds my self definition/ego/personality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within 'preferences' in terms of what I would 'prefer' to do with my time and energy, whom I 'prefer' to spend my time and energy with, and how I 'prefer' things to be done in order for me to remain within my comfort zone as my self definition/ego/personality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to stop my addiction and to correct myself within this process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be half-hearted within my application within still holding on to preferences and self definitions and only going 'far enough' to be at the brink of my comfort zone and not going any further.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in my limitations and indulge in my emotional self manipulations wherein I am victimizing myself in order to aggrandize my ego and personality within my self definition.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear crossing over the threshold of my fears and self definitions, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living my life HERE in each moment instead of having memories and secret mind and energy within myself through which I am creating alternate realities out of self interest.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself or accepted myself to realize and live the realization that pity, emotional self manipulation, and holding on to self definitions is spiteful and is self interest at the cost of what is here in terms of existence in it's totality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist seeing and living the realization of the effect of my own self interest in terms of how it effects all of existence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to still have my own 'little world' even after seeing the dishonesty within this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist having to give up all of my 'secret little worlds' because that would mean I would no longer have any control or sense of self within my self definition.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within creating excuses, justifications, and blame in order to not face the cost of me creating secret worlds for myself using the actual physical reality and projecting myself into energy that does not return to the source and consumes the physical and disregards life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within creating excuses, justifications, blame, and participating in self manipulation within going into emotional experiences such as pity, depression, victimization, and self deprecation in order to remain within an energetic starting point of existence, wherein I define myself as an energy and not simply here in fact.