Realizing that "Anger" is not "Power"

Joe Kou
3/28/2012

Lately I have been experiencing 'anger' within me as energetic possessions where I become literally 'possessed' and am not in fact here, but rather 'lost' within the experience of anger, which is not acceptable because anger itself as an experience is NOT REAL and is a very clear indication of where I am not standing and supporting myself effectively, which compounds into thoughts and backchat which continue to build until finally the energetic possession of 'anger' is able to 'take over' in a moment when I allow myself to be triggered by a certain word, or person, or event in my world which I have symbolized and associated my inner experience of anger to.

So firstly I will write myself to clarity on the point of what it is to experience anger and who I am within the creation of and experience of anger -

Within my life there have been many instances wherein I saw that what is happening or what I was allowing myself to participate in was not acceptable, but instead of standing in that moment or allowing myself to direct the point, I instead remained silent and allowed myself to be a 'victim' within fear of facing that which I was experiencing as 'not acceptable'.

Within this point of 'victimization' where instead of directing a point in my practical/physical world I instead turn within myself and internalize the 'experience' of the event, what happens is I begin to generate thoughts of “How I should have acted” and would actually replay events and re-create the scenario in my mind wherein I act out my reactions and 'lash out' at the persons or the event in question but only within my mind, where apparently I am 'safe' and can do whatever I wish to do without having to face the consequences.

Though the more I allowed this point of not directly facing and directing my life and instead internalizing the point, the less able I found myself 'able' to actually direct my life and the more 'easy' I found it to simply internalize and 'bottle it up' within me, and then find ways to distract myself or justify my inaction because 'at least I KNOW better' and will actually develop a form of ego/superiority within being able to 'sort things out in my mind' (which is absolutely not true - for perspective on this point check out the interview "I believed I was Superior to my Mind") – believing that I was taking a 'moral high ground' and 'not being rash/rude' to others by 'imposing myself' – which was my own spiteful way of not seeing that I had allowed myself to experience other as being 'imposing' and then blaming others for that experience instead of realizing that I am the one who is allowing the experience of feeling 'imposed on'.

Through the years I developed this point of 'keeping it inside' and participating in extensive backchat as my primary way of 'dealing with' the experiences I would have within my life wherever there was conflict or friction or where I saw I was participating in something that was not cool – there would always be that 'space' in my mind where I would find a 'reason' why it was okay for me to continue and not actually face the point directly – believing that I was in fact being 'superior' instead of seeing that the very starting point of going into my mind as backchat instead of facing my practical world was based in fear, which would imply that I was actually living a statement of being inferior (in-fear-ior), and within the extent to which I had defined myself as being 'righteous' by becoming spiteful within my mind, I manipulated and deceived myself into believing that I was being the 'stronger person' by swallowing up my reactions, bottling them up within me, and defining myself within the amount of suppression/self abuse I was able to 'handle' – thus creating the personality of the 'tragic hero' which became a major part of my personality where I actually will seek out and constantly create abusive situations so that I am able to maintain my 'righteousness' – instead of realizing that I was living in fear and had abdicated from an early age the opportunity for me to stand up and develop my point of self-trust and not allowing abuse within myself or my world. (This point of "anger" and fear is covered in detail in the interview "My Life of Anger")

Within this experience would always be the awareness that I do not have to keep living this way and that I can in fact make a different choice and walk a different path, but in those moments I would always 'trust' the experience within me of just holding it all in and allowing myself to participate in self abuse, believing that it was making me 'stronger' when in fact was only feeding the point of fearing to stand up for myself and direct my world.

As I grew up, that which I had 'bottled up' within me never actually left or dissipated – all of the nasty backchat and judgments and spitefulness that I had generated within my mind had only been suppressed and in each instance where I was faced with conflict or anger within my world, it would all come rushing back to the surface, and I would experience a kind of 'power' within me that I would then use as a 'shield'.

A specific example of what happens is when I am faced with a particular being and there is a conflict situation and I allow myself to be triggered emotionally within a reaction – in that moment if I do not stop myself, all of the suppressed anger/energy would begin to rise within me and very quickly I would feel a sense of 'power' within that energy – believing that energy of anger to be real – believing that this energy is in fact who I am and that I was powerful – but what I had not realized was that this 'energy' is NOT power – and is NOT strength – it is actually fear.

When I really break the point down to see it in it's detail in self-honesty the actual words – the actual backchat that goes on within me when I go into that point of anger/lockdown, is that of fear – where I will say within my mind the following types of statements -

“How dare you make me feel this way?”

“Can't you see what you're doing?”

“Why are you so ignorant/stupid?”

“If you only knew how angry I am and how powerful I am in my anger right now you would fear me”

“I want you to fear me and obey me but I will not tell you – because that would reveal that I am not in fact powerful and I do not want you to know that I want you to fear me”.

Statements such as these are the foundation statements upon which my fear becomes warped and projected upon others, and within the righteousness of the ego becomes actual hatred/anger directed outwards when it is actually self anger/hatred for having abdicated myself in a moment where I saw I was not standing up for myself, but allowed myself to play the role of 'victim' and instead of stopping and making another decision, to instead trust the energy/experience of power/anger within me, not seeing it for the fear that it is.

So within this understanding that this experience of anger is NEVER in fact power, but is in fact fear which becomes self judgment/hatred for having accepted and allowed the fear and then becoming dependent on the energy/experience behind the fear, I re-look at my recent experiences of anger and correct myself so that I stop creating/recreating situations in my life where I am giving in to the personality of the 'tragic hero' that has become addicted to the energy of fear and self abuse, so that I can instead direct myself and support myself to stop the abuse with me and within the world that I am creating.

My recent experiences of anger possession have been centered primarily around my mother and especially in the situation of when I am at home.

Throughout my childhood I had extensively utilized the 'tragic hero' point whenever my mother would become angry and scold me or when I felt I was being persecuted/abused by her physically, verbally, or emotionally, and would become very still within myself and as the feelings of being abused and fear would come up within me, I would attempt to compensate by participating in backchat and 'yelling back' at my mother within my mind, but would be too afraid to actually speak or stand up for myself because I was too afraid of further punishment/abuse as a result, and had accepted myself as being inferior/powerless and only felt 'equal' or 'powerful' when I escaped into my mind where I was able to 'fight back' but only in secret, internally.

So, a point that had begun in my childhood 'remained' as a part of me, as what I had become later in my adult life and mutated/evolved alongside my 'personality' – and it is fascinating now that I am sharing a house with my mother again to once again be faced with the point of becoming instantly angry and irritated and wanting to scream – wherein the simplest of things seems to 'trigger me' and 'set me off', which implies that there is a 'me' somewhere in myself that is not in fact alive or self directed, but based on reaction – and as long as I do not take responsibility for this point, I will remain a 'slave' to this reaction - and as with anything that seems to 'blow up out of nowhere' this is a point that has been accumulating within me for quite some time – which I do not accept any longer.

Thus I take this opportunity to correct this system within me as well as adjusting who I am within my 'relationship' with my mother because I see that this unresolved point where I am holding a 'grudge' against her and against myself due to points in my childhood has actually effected all of my relationships in my life where similar patterns of 'shutting down' and not being able to effectively communicate and share myself and always remaining 'defensive' and holding a 'personality of strength' instead of allowing myself to be vulnerable has lead to me not developing and experiencing effective relationships/partnerships – which is a cool point to see because for a long time I simply accepted the idea that I am just not 'supposed' to have effective/supportive relationships and must 'settle' for compromise and repeating the old patterns of self-abuse, but now I see how this system 'works' and how I am able to stop it. (A great interview about how holding a grudge against someone actually diminishes one's own living - "How I Ruined my Life with a Memory")

_________________________________________________________________________

First, SF on the experience of “Believing in Anger as Strength”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the experience of anger that rises up within me and seems to fill me with 'strength' is actually real and that I am made 'powerful' within that experience instead of realizing that this experience of 'anger' that rises within me as an energy is a compounded reaction of fear which I have suppressed within my life and is an attempt to 'inflate' myself into an experience of 'power/superiority' as a defense mechanism.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the energetic experience of anger and the backchat that arises within me is real and that it is giving me power when in fact I am draining myself and abdicating the real point of 'strength' which is HERE in the physical as stability and self-trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that by feeding/allowing this point of anger within me I am making myself stronger when in fact I am only feeding the addiction to and as the energy of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am more 'powerful' when I am in that state of anger where I experience myself as 'holding back an explosion' wherein I create and feed the idea that I am powerful because I am able to just 'let myself go' and unleash the 'anger' within me upon the other person which is in fact the very definition of demonic possession where I would be living the statement that I am less than my emotions/reactions and that I am apparently unable to take responsibility for my own experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that experience of 'anger' within me as 'power' which I secretly use in my mind as a 'threat' against others – secretly wanting them to see and fear the anger within me when in fact I am the one who is actually afraid and not standing up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am 'staying strong' by continuously allowing myself to feed this point of anger within me instead of realizing that the anger is indicating to me a point of compounded fear which I have not actually directed effectively, which I am still in separation from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in anger as an energetic addiction in which for a moment I experience myself as powerful and in control instead of realizing that the opposite is true and that when I am allowing myself to be stimulated by and driven by anger, I am not in control and can easily become a danger to myself and others and this is NOT acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am able to 'control' my 'anger' within ego and superiority when I can see that in such moments of anger as possession I am not in fact in 'control' and that if I allow such states of anger to exist within me and compound, I am still responsible for what I may do within that state of possession.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate power and superiority within the experience of anger.

Thus I do not accept or allow myself to 'go so far' as to allow the point of anger to direct me and to accumulate into a point of possession.

I see and realize that I am at all times responsible for my participation and that which I accept/allow I am responsible for.

When I see/notice myself locking down and going into a state of 'power' as anger I will immediately stop, check myself, and firstly ensure that I am not making any decisions or committing any actions with anger as my starting point.

When I see/notice myself in a state of tightness and constriction physically and experience myself within that state of anger/fear I will support myself to walk away from that experience/environment if I must so that I am not allowing myself to be directed by and as that experience of anger and will return to the matter when I am satisfied that I am present and can take into consideration what is best for all within that situation.

I see and realize that this anger is not power, is not strength, but is instead fear – and that fear is not real and is only an indication of that which I am not allowing myself to face/embrace/stand equal to – so instead of remaining limited within fear I will rather push myself to realize that the fear is not valid and that I am able to become the solution to that which I fear by forgiving my judgments and beliefs and doing that which I see I require to do.

What is 'behind' the fear -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing up for myself within speaking directly as my actual experience of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking directly as my actual self due to believing that it is not acceptable to share myself in that way because I may be judged or may be abused when I allow myself to be vulnerable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that vulnerability means 'guilt' and that instead of allowing myself to be vulnerable I must be able to 'defend' myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I allow myself to open up and share myself I will be rejected and will not be heard and will be isolated or abused, instead of realizing the extent to which I have already abused myself by isolating myself and creating excuses and justifications and personalities all in the name of 'defending myself' from my own fears and my own judgments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ending the addiction to and as anger and fear because I have defined myself within anger and fear as ways to cope with and suppress that which I did not understand as a child and did not want to face or take responsibility for as I grew up within my personalities and self definitions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept self-abuse as my actual truth and nature of self and within this to accept self abuse within others as well as create situations in which I place myself in the position of abused/abuser by not taking self responsibility to stand up within myself and end the addiction to abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility for myself based on memories of and as my 'past' in which I did not stand and allowed self to compromise, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly fear that I will continue to compromise and become angry at myself for continuing to compromise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my failures personally and to lose self respect within the points in my life where I did not stand up and allowed self abuse as well as allowed myself to abuse others and within this to fear standing up and allowing myself to take on the responsibility of changing me.

When I see and notice myself 'stuck' in such moments where I am reacting within instant anger/fear/backchat in regards to a person or situation within my life I will stop the reaction and energy within myself because I realize that the experience is not real and will only compound the issue more if I allow myself to be directed by the anger.

To support myself in making clear decisions and not allowing self to repeat the same old patterns and habits and thus recreate the same time-loops and have to face self diminishment and compromise I will instead apply myself within writing out the point, bringing myself to a point of stability and clarity where I am not in a reaction or in a 'survival mode' of fear or trying to avoid responsibility, and within writing the point out I support myself and will myself to live the correction in my practical world immediately so that no backchat or self-doubt is able to restart and accumulate again.

I have all of the tools I require as well as the support – I am here and within the limited time I have on this earth I will myself to stop all points of limitation and fear and dishonesty so that it stops within and as me, and as such stops within and as the world that I create – so that this reality becomes a place worthy of life in all ways.

Practical correction in my world -

When I see/notice myself clenching up or going into backchat/reaction when interacting with my mother I will stop and if I am not able to in that moment clear myself I will end the conversation and return to the point when I am clear instead of allowing myself to speak or react from and as the backchat/spitefulness within me as the experience of 'anger'.

When I see/notice friction/conflict within my interaction/relationship with my mother I will investigate myself first and realize that anything that I am blaming her for or reacting to is in fact myself, and as such, to hold a grudge against her is me remaining separate from myself and blaming another for my own separation.

Within all reactions wherein I am wanting to blame or project my anger I will instead bring the point back to self and correct myself by identifying the trigger(s) and stopping that which does not support me in being effective within my world which includes reactions of anger and projections of blame.

Within this I see it is also to not simply allow abuse within me and when I see/notice that there is a situation that requires to be directed I will not allow myself to accept self-abuse and will do what is necessary to ensure that the abuse stops even if it means letting go of or walking away from beings in my world who are still participating/accepting abuse if necessary so that they can face themselves.

Featured Art Work by Damian Ledesma
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002274320770

Youtube:

http://www.youtube.com/user/Damianldsm

Blogs:

http://damianledesma.multiply.com/

 

Bringing it back to Self - AGAIN

Earlier today I deleted a blog post that i had written in which i wrote about my experience within reacting to Lindsay and my experience within going into 'lockdown'. It was clear that i had written that blog in a state of energy and was in a point of justification/blame toward Lindsay, and that the writing was not self-directed or self-supportive, and was more a point of venting frustration and projecting.

In that blog i see that i was not directing myself within actual self-support within and as my words. the blog itself was not clear and at some point i had actually began to fall asleep - there are words and phrases there which make absolutely no sense.

the tone of the blog itself was that of blaming Lindsay and also a point of self-judgment. as i continued the writing i became more and more tired, and ended up having to 'abandon' the blog and posted it without having gotten myself clear and did not look at the words that i had placed, and did not take responsibility in that moment to not place words that are of the mind- words that are not clear self-support in consideration for what is best for all.

in the morning, i awoke and there was a trembling all over my body for a while. i breathed and after some time the trembling was gone. lindsay and i spoke on the point of me having placed that blog and i saw it was NOT cool to have posted it, and that it was NOT a self-honest, self-supportive writing. also, in the writing i had spoken about Lindsay not being 'patient' and not 'supporting me' from a point of projection and blame - which is not the actual truth.

thus, the blog post was deleted.

since that moment i have had a resistance blogging - having doubts of writing clearly and having points of self judgment and guilt for having posted that previous blog - not wanting to expose that this is indeed what had happened.

tonight when Lindsay and I chatted the point came up of me not having blogged, and i went into a reaction - as i saw in that moment how in the 'back of my mind' i had been having a resistance to blogging and that i had a point of self-judgment and guilt over the previous blog.
______________________________________________________________________

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within self-judgment in relation to the point of having placed a blog that was written from a starting-point of energy and blame.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am the energetic experience of guilt and self-judgment

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within procrastination in order to 'put off' the point of blogging

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to, in that moment last night when i was seeing that i was not clear and was falling asleep, not support myself to stop writing in that very moment

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to post words that are not clear and self-directed within a point of ego - wanting to 'push through' the point of falling asleep and wanting to 'prove' that i am 'stronger' than my tiredness

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to strain myself as the physical within not supporting myself when i see that i am tired.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to this point of guilt within and as myself and to further compound a point of resisting writing, not trusting myself to support myself within writing.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge the writing itself to be something that i have to 'push through'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i 'do not know what to write about' as an excuse to not write what is HERE

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compare my writing to others and judging my writing as not being 'effective enough' - and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not able to write as effectively

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to be 'as good as the others' instead of sticking to self-writing as self-support and unconditional sharing.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to put my writing tonight off within procrastination in order to not have to face this point of judgment and guilt, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that judgment and guilt are valid experiences.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself within the experience of self-judgment and guilt in order to not take responsibility for myself.

I STOP. I do not allow myself to post writing that is clear and self-directed. I am able to write and clear myself and it is okay to write out the mind and write out the thoughts and blame and projection, but to within that clear myself and establish self-support and share the self-support - NOT share the ego/mind possessions.
__________________________________________________________________________


In relation to the point that was opened up on the subject of me going into 'lockdown' blaming Lindsay for not being 'willing to be patient with me' - i see that i have completely disregarded Lindsay and have not taken into consideration how patient she actually has been, as i have been having many of the same points continuously come up and Lindsay has been pointing it out each time. I see that I am the one who is projecting the point of 'impatience' and 'lack of gentleness' onto her out of reaction to her directness - and also due to self not wanting to face self - the ego/mind wanting to justify and hide.

I have seen for myself that I must be the one responsible for 'walking myself through a point' and being patient with self - yet within this to be direct and diligent with self to not accept or allow such points and to push self to stop existing within and as these systems.

i see that my 'approach' to my process has not been effective and consistent - and that i am able to adopt a more militant stance for myself - to take points 'head on' instead of internalizing and mulling things over.

i have placed a foundation/structure for myself in terms of how i will practically support myself through this point of reacting, taking things personally, and going into defensiveness and wanting to protect my limitations.

what i see is that i must be proactive and consistent within seeing WHAT i am defending and wanting to protect - to investigate for MYSELF what i am not wanting to let go of and how i came to accept that part of self within and as limitation. this will be a process that i will walk in time - and i am the only one able to do this for myself. the reactions and the mechanism of getting defensive and shutting down is specific to the points of limitation/dishonesty that i am not fully letting go of or do not fully see consciously yet/not wanting to fully see consciously yet.

in slowing self down and having placed this platform/structure of self-support i see that i am not 'immediately' integrating the change within self. i see that at the moment i have not yet accumulated for myself the ability and self-awareness to stop the reaction point entirely - that the automated system reaction currently happens faster than my current self-direction on this point. i see that the point of slowing down - slowing WAAAAAAY down - is a point to take on within this as well. not allowing self to exist within and as the 'hyperactivity' of the mind and to be fully HERE, which i see now i have been struggling with and is related to my pattern/point of internalizing deeply in myself before dealing with something in the physical, which i am currently also pushing through by participating with the physical - and here as well i have not fully integrated the change but i see that in time as i accumulate the point of pushing self to participate with/as the physical, the less of a hold my internalizing will have within my design.

a very cool blog post by rozelle assisted me to see that this is NOT a 'special' thing - that this is a specific pre-programmed system design, and as such it CAN be de-programmed and stopped. in this blog Rozelle shares the point verbatim - explaining in specific detail my exact experience with this.

So tonight, when i had gone into reaction when Lindsay brought up the point of me blogging, I see that I first went into reaction as an automatic response due to having a point within me of judging myself and experiencing guilt on the point of my previous blog post. The point became exposed and i saw how i wanted to hide/justify/argue... i did react and did not expose at that moment the reaction and i did have a moment of not wanting to face the blogging point and Lindsay did have to 'draw' it out of me, but i see that i was not in a point of wanting to fight/justify. in seeing the 'gears' turning within self as this system design, i did support myself within stopping the defense mechanism from triggering.

so i see that i must continue to apply myself within the structure/foundation of supporting myself through the reaction/defensiveness point by not going into reaction, and if i do to breathe and let go of taking it personally and moving self to investigate what i am reacting to and apply the correction. i see that the reactions for the moment are 'faster' because i have not yet fully established self here as directive principle.

so the application i see here is to continue pushing self to support self in each moment of reaction/defensiveness and to get to the 'root' of what i am defending/protecting as ego/mind/self-limitation. within this, to also apply SLOWING WAAAAAAAY down in all aspects of self and establish self HERE as the authority and letting go of internalizing before acting.

i see that what rozelle mentioned would be cool to apply - which is to push myself to be HERE when i speak and be aware of what i say, and to breathe effectively before and during when i speak.

Bringing it all back to self - Taking things Personally is Self-Deception Part 1

Just had a conversation with Lindsay over skype.

I see that I am having reactions and taking things personally when Lindsay shares points and speaks in a way that I am experiencing as 'direct', wherein I am judging the 'directness' as a judgment/condemnation against me, instead of seeing that she is being direct to a SYSTEM that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as, and that any reaction I am having is the reaction of said system.

I see that I have participated in this pattern once again - of becoming defensive, taking things personally, and then wanting to manipulate and control the perception others are having of me, wanting to control how others regard me, instead of actually looking at self within self-honesty and applying self-correction. I see how much I have placed value within the thoughts and opinions of others, and how greatly I have invested myself into how others see me, placing my sense of worth outside of myself and thus constantly seeking to solidify how others perceive me – and how automatically I have conditioned myself to manipulate in order to control that point. This is NOT excusable – it does not matter how 'conditioned' I have allowed myself to become – this point is simply not acceptable in any way whatsoever.

I cannot 'blame' my system design for this. I cannot blame anything or anyone. This is not about blame – this is about seeing what I am accepting and allowing within self-honesty and then living the self-honest realization in the physical, and there is NO POINT in judging myself or defending myself in any way whatsoever, nor is there any point within establishing how 'ingrained' this system may be, as that is only me protecting dishonesty and abuse within this existence.

I see that I have allowed much abuse within this point – and I see that I have existed within and as deception. I have spoken/written these words before – I must prove myself in actually LIVING these words. I DO NOT ACCEPT for this to remain as knowledge/information.

Specifically I had points of reaction when Lindsay shared that there was a thought of not trusting me, and having reaction within herself when she read my last blog, and she shared that there was a thought of seeing me as 'socially awkward', and a momentary thought of seeing me as a 'frail' being that would be moving in with her – which she made clear was her own projection and that she is taking the point back to herself and sees that her reactions have NOTHING to do with me in fact – yet in hearing those words I had taken them personally within myself and then had gone into defensiveness.

I also had a reaction when Lindsay shared that she would not be 'catering to my personality' and that this is not a 'relationship' – within me I was projecting a thought that she is using this as an 'excuse' to remain in a point of dominance, and also I projected a thought onto her of 'she's just going to be bitchy all the time' and there will be no point of being able to enjoy being around her.' I see that it is completely irrelevant whether I 'enjoy being around her', as that is not what this agreement is about. I see that self-honestly she and I CAN enjoy each other and likely we shall so long as we continue to face ourselves and correct ourselves – supporting ourselves within our individual process as we walk 'into' a lived agreement together, but the starting-point is not to 'have a good time'.

After the conversation, I messaged Lindsay about the point of 'gentleness' – wanting to validate myself as having been effective within supporting her through points from an application of 'gentleness' and 'patience' – wanting to manipulate a point of validation and wanting her to consider that her directness is not always the 'best way', within this coming from a point of ego and justification within having taken it personally that she will not 'cater to my personality' – which is me not wanting to let go of my own application of 'gentleness' and not wanting to consider the point of directness within dealing with points. So clearly I am holding on to my own preference here and yes it is my personality that wants to be 'catered to'.

So to take these points back to myself –

'Not being fully dedicated' - I have been having fears and resistances within the point of sharing desteni to others and fearing that others would see me as being in a 'cult' and treat me differently. This is something I have not self-honestly pushed through. I have opened up the point for myself that sharing desteni is not about converting or preaching or speaking a message that I have not lived. Sharing desteni is sharing self unconditionally and not being afraid to stand up within the matrix and not allowing myself to limit myself within relationships within the matrix/work/job environment. Sharing desteni is living and proving that self is not limited and is no longer accepting limitations and daring to live self-honestly in every moment. I see that I have shared bits and pieces of self and my process with people, but for the most part I have been more focused on the reactions that come up within myself at work and in the matrix, and not trusting self to speak in those moments of reaction, and keeping to myself.

Sharing self within self-honesty IS sharing desteni. I am NOT ashamed of walking with desteni and will NOT hide myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mince words and dance around the subject of desteni when sharing myself with people at work as well as certain roommates.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will create an 'unstable' situation at work if I speak about desteni

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the justification/excuse of 'there are practical reasons to not share my process and desteni in the matrix' as a cover to not actually push myself within speaking unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the reactions of others, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the reactions of others effect me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to share my process because 'others' will react and treat me differently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the memory and experience of my old roommate Bailey speaking to my new roommates and informing them that I am 'strange' and 'into weird conspiracy stuff' after sharing with her my point of being in process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the memory/experience of Bailey telling me that my old roommates Mae and Sarah were both 'uncomfortable' with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making people in my world 'uncomfortable', and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within not speaking up for fear of reaction from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the opinions of others and the reactions of others are real and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place honor and value within the words of others and to define myself through and as the opinions of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to intentionally 'hold back' when I see something within others at work due to fearing their reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the thought of “Lindsay does not understand what it is to have to be in the matrix everyday for survival” as a justification and blame for the reaction that I had when Lindsay brought up the point of me not sharing desteni unconditionally by sharing myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have abdicated and submitted myself over to the 'system' within being a 'part of the matrix' and not wanting to 'stand-out'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and compromise my expression within submitting myself to the matrix/job environment.

Also, allowing the point of 'fearing others' and placing value within the opinion of others who I must work with on a daily basis – fearing 'gossip' about me because I have allowed myself to participate in 'gossip' about others. Also I see that I have been using the excuse of “I am in the matrix and I have to fit in” as a cover-all excuse instead of pushing through the points where I practically am able to stand, yet instead remaining within self-limitation and not trusting self to stand in the moment.

I see that this is a point that requires diligence and consistent application – I had some energy around this point of creating it to be a 'big' point that 'I am totally possessed by', which is self-manipulation. So within self-honesty I see that this is a point that is ingrained as a 'main' system design that I have participated in and it will require specific and consistent application to remove. I do not allow self to believe that I 'am' this point or that it is justifiable for me to fear/resist taking this point on.

Practical self-correction -

I see that I am able to open up and share myself unconditionally – and as I share my actual self-realizations I do not require to fear the opinion or reaction of others, because who and what I am and what I live are absolute – and no opinion can shake or change what I have seen and lived for myself.

So when I see I am able to share myself and the self-realizations that I have opened up within my process, I shall share that openly. I see that it is not about advertising for desteni from a starting-point of making it a religion, but simply sharing in self-honesty who and what I am and HOW I actually walk my process with desteni.

I stand unashamed and I walk with desteni – and I will share my journey unconditionally. I use common sense and practicality and trust myself in the moment and share myself without fear.

If/when a person asks me or I see there is an opportunity to share myself as a destonian, I will NOT allow myself to hold myself back or fear 'sharing too much'.

I speak what I live and I live what I speak. Till here no further, I do not hold myself back out of fear of reactions from others when speaking self-realizations and my process with desteni.


Ok I am going to stop here for now and continue tomorrow and go into the other points.

Deleting my 'Mommy Archive", taking responsibility, and DEDICATING MYSELF TO LIFE

i just got home from visiting and spending a night over at my mother's house. fascinating stuff.

okay so first off it went nothing at all like how my mind had created it- which usually is the case but for some reason i am still not getting the point that nothing my mind creates can be trusted.

within me there had been compounding all kinds of fears, resistances, resentment, memories, and all kinds of pictures about how my visit with my mother would go. i had created within myself the experience of my mother being judgmental, stubborn, not able to hear or consider common sense, only concerned with her own opinions, abusive, manipulative, self interested and not considering life, never being able or willing to hear me or consider me as an equal, etc... as though those points were all that encompass her- as though those points were her entire being.

in my mind, i had created an entire life for my mother- created a lifetime within my mind using pictures, memories, emotions, judgments, feelings, fears, angers, frustrations... a giant concoction of thoughts and pictures which i placed my mother into, and each time i would see or speak to her, all of these would instantly rise up within me and i would become possessed- i would then react to the maelstrom that was stirring inside me each time i had to communicate with her... and i always held her to that mold i had placed her in within my mind... and the funny thing is i was holding on to the justification of believing she was never going to 'change her mind about me' lol

the points around my mother were brought up during a chat i was having with kelly a few nights ago where she had mentioned having a better relationship with her mother now than before and how she is establishing a relationship wherein she does not have to compromise herself and she is able to actually share and communicate with her mother with far less resistances and points, and how she had to walk through a lot in order to get to what she currently has... and when i heard this i immediately judged myself and went into a self abusive, self imposed depression state where i instantly judged myself as 'not able to have that, not able to establish that'.

for me, my mother had been a point of fear and resentment for a very long time... wherein i had placed a great deal of blame and resentment towards her for the 'result' of my life, and i had blamed her for my childhood wherein i experienced abuse and developed a very 'isolationist' and 'protective' kind of stance towards life, wherein i would only befriend those whom i felt i was able to manipulate and control so that i am validated and accepted, and did not allow myself to be vulnerable to anyone because of fear and consistent self doubt.

i very much resented my mother and resented the way i was treated by her, but i had to depend on her and did not have any recourse or choice other than to swallow up my frustrations and angers within myself... and there within myself would build and build with each day more points of compromising myself out of fear and self doubt and experiencing the 'wrath' of my mother whom i felt was often irrational and demonic. and through my childhood and into my adult life, i kept so much of this inner anguish and frustration buried inside myself, having built up an entire archive of memories and emotions and judgments- which would come to replace completely who and what my mother actually is. i would ONLY see her faults, and could ONLY see the points where i had blamed her and judged her for. and i would ONLY experience myself as being a victim and having no say and having no way to actually communicate with her as an equal- and i would use justifications to 'supplement' my aversion to facing my resentment and standing up within myself to face her directly and within self honesty- such as using the excuse of "I think and speak in english and she only speaks to me in chinese, and i am not able to communicate effectively what i want to express in chinese", or "there is no point because she is totally fucked up within her systems and will not consider what i am saying so it's really no use"- and i had used these excuses over and over again to hide myself from the fact that i am the one who is making the communication impossible because i am trying to not communicate with her- because i still saw her as the 'beast/demon' within my mind whom i had programmed myself to protect myself from and give in to.

so the night before, i was looking at these points and i did some writing and self forgiveness- but i knew that there was something 'missing'- that it wasn't the writing or the self forgiveness per se, but that the point about my mother had not been WALKED.

within me there was an expectation that simply within writing and doing self forgiveness i would be released from these points and would not have to 'loop' or face them. but what happened tonight has confirmed for me that no amount of self forgiveness is complete without actually walking through the resistances in the physical, as an actual movement of self that stands the test of time/space. i will get into this but first i want to lay out the context a bit.

i have been facing a lot of fear and resistance on the point of moving to PA and living/working/studying with Kelly... and a big part of it was a guilt within myself... a sense of self defeat/self abdication... because i knew that there are points that i have not fully faced in terms of my mother... that there was like an 'open wound' within myself because of holding on to the past- holding on to my judgments and resentments and blame towards my mother- seeing her as an 'obstacle' that i must cross or a 'challenge' that i must 'defeat'.

within me there was great fear and resistance over telling her about my moving to PA- fears that began within myself but compounded over time through suppression. i see this is extensive and i have a resistance in laying out all the details- which is going to stop right here because this resistance is a distraction point and is simply not acceptable or necessary anymore. i do not require to protect myself or present myself in any way to please anybody. this blog is not for entertainment for an 'audience'. ok so i continue.

for some time now i have been dealing with a point of self judgment and self compromise due to fears that i am not able to take care of myself on my own, support myself without 'help' from others, and within this i had formed a method of survival which is to befriend and use people within my life who will not only validate me as my systems and self definitions, but will also help me in further not being able to actually support myself.

this method of survival... where did it come from? my earliest memory of this comes from a time when i was in elementary school. i had made a friend named Gary. he and i would play a game together all the time where we had created a make-belief world of our 'future selves'. we were cops in the future but we had special abilities. i had the power of a dragon- and was basically a 'leader', and gary was the 'eagle', who was also my future 'best friend' and 'ally'. always, i was 'in charge' and i got to tell gary what was happening in our 'future lives'. we played this game to the utmost extent together... i insisted that our fantasy world existed. it was such a great feeling to be something else... and to have a friend accept and validate this delusion... i realized that i was able to keep gary as a friend forever and keep him loyal by holding him forever in the position of 'follower' in our fantasy game. Gary accepted and validated the false persona that i put on in order to feel an acceptance and worth that i felt so greatly and helplessly lacking.

into my adult life, i had carried this sense of wanting to be 'something else', wanting to be 'something special', wanting to be 'something important'... i was so separated from any sense of self worth or self value that i was willing to pretend to be somebody else, and life somebody else's life in order to have that experience- in order to be able to accept myself.

at home, my memory is that of always being afraid of making mom angry, always afraid of mom beating or yelling at me. the beatings stopped when i entered middle school, but the verbal abuse continued. i was always 'on guard'... and always trying to defend myself... even if it meant lying or cheating or just pretending... i did it so that i would not have to face mom being angry at me. so when i was at school, i had an opportunity to 'make up for' the sense of inadequacy i had by building myself up through fantasy.

this tactic would develop as i grew older, becoming more effective at creating elaborate 'dramas' within which i am able to participate in- and i was willing to do anything to convince others of the validity of my deceptions- going to extremes such as threatening suicide to my friends or faking illnesses to get attention. i would create stories and fantasies just as i did in elementary and middle school when i was in high school. until at one point i decided to 'come clean' about a lot of what i was doing- and told the truth about my lies. this was after getting into spirituality and deciding to 'honor who i am' and 'do unto others as i would like done unto me', though it was from a starting point of self interest disguised as 'oneness'.

as i moved on into some college and afterward deciding to run away from home, i continued to use this tactic of employing my skill at deception and manipulation in order to control and 'manage' how people related to me... always wanting to be in control and always wanting to protect the many parts of myself which i had judged 'unworthy' and 'unacceptable'. i always sought to create the terms and conditions with all of the people i met so that i was able to remain in my self judgment, remain holding on to all the points of resentment against my mother, against my childhood, against the feeling and belief of self inadequacy and incompetence. always i sought not to face and address these points, but to bury them ever further, requiring more and more finely crafted deceptions- which required more and more self compromise.

it had become a trap just like the current financial debt trap the world is facing. in order for me to continue my life the way i had defined it, and be able to protect my self interest in order to survive as my self definitions, i had to constantly create more and more and more unsustainable lies and manipulations one on top of the other to keep everyone else in control and accepting a false reality about me- the same thing the monetary system currently must do- print more and more and more debt into existence to such an extent that the debt can never be paid back.. .can never be REAL-ized. so it was that i too had so deeply compromised and abdicated my self honesty with others that all i existed was, was deception and dishonesty in the attempt to control my reality and protect myself from a others- but namely to hide from myself, to blame and judge myself as 'not worthy' and 'not good enough for life'.

for the last 5 years or so, i have been caught in the same trap... depending on others and continuing to find excuses and justifications as to how/why i am not 'able' to change and sort out my life and live my life fully without having to be so ashamed and judgmental about myself. i have used all kinds of excuses- from not having a car, to fearing driving due to an accident i had almost 10 years ago, to 'not having enough money', to 'not having a good enough job', to 'not having an education', to 'not having any support from my family', to ' not having anyone around me who can assist me', to 'just plain not being good enough', to 'my environment is not supportive', to 'my world is not stable'. over and over i have been fighting to preserve the self definition of me as 'unworthy' and 'unable' and have been coming up with more and more excuses and justifications... more and more 'future stories/fantasies" just like i did with Gary when i was a kid in middle school.

within my application of self honesty and self correction as well, there have been justifications and excuses to not actually change myself and to not actually move and direct myself in the physical to actually LIVE the statements of self forgiveness and to LIVE the realizations that i have had within writing and reading the material/watching the desteni videos.

so this brings me up to the current timeline. recently my old roomates have left and i was searching for a place to live. i did not want to live with anyone who was not 'in process', and i did not want to deal with people who were not dependable because the last few roommates have not worked out for me and it has ended up costing me a lot of money in order to keep this roof over my head. nothing seemed to be stable- this was when it was first announced that we were entering the '2 year time loop' and everything seemed to be compounding all at once... it felt as though my world was going to collapse and burn in flames. all of my fears and anxieties came rushing forth, showing me all the points that i have not directed and taken responsibility for. i mentioned all of this to kelly- and kelly said it would be alright if i moved out there to where she lived, seeing how it would be much more stable, i would not have to deal with so many issues, would not have to worry about not having a place to live, would not have to deal with so many people all the time. within me, there was a sigh of instant relief. however- this is also when i first began to have other fears and anxieties start coming up, which i had been suppressing and not actually dealing with directly.

within kelly offering for me to go and live out there in PA with her, i saw how cool and supportive that would be- to have such a place where i would be able to really apply myself, not have to worry and deal with so much stress, and live with kelly whom i have developed a platform of communication and support with- how cool it would be to live/work/study with another who is also in process. and within this point- i had placed kelly and living with kelly as 'the solution'. and within myself the question arose "okay, so you will be able to deal with your points and have support in walking this process if you go and live with kelly... but what is keeping you from dealing with your points and supporting yourself HERE, NOW?". this question came up several times and i did not want to face the answer- which was that i am still holding on to and fighting for the self definition of "i cannot do this on my own, i NEED support", which was the same excuse/justification system that i have been using for so much of my life. this question sat within me for months... and i have been walking this question within myself not wanting to actually deal with it because i feared it would mean i would have to 'give up' on the chance to go and live with kelly in PA if it turned out my starting point was not clear.

so this fear was building and building within me even though i see within common sense that it would indeed be very cool and supportive for myself (and perhaps for kelly too) if i moved out there and lived with her, because i was having points of not trusting myself and i did not want for me moving out to live with kelly to be another method of me running away from myself... hiding from myself... creating another 'drama' to live in and hide within by running to live with kelly. this fear comes from me not having faced myself so many times before and STILL not facing myself because of the unresolved points with my mother, whom i felt like i was still running away from by deciding to move to PA and not having the courage to tell her, talk to her, feeling as though i cannot trust my own judgment and require to ask her for permission, which i do not see her giving to me because because she is, according to my 'mom archive' of memories and experiences, 'never going to actually support me and will only keep me down'. so within me there was this point of 'see, you're just running away again, thinking things will just magically be okay when you live in PA', which is my mind again defending my self definition and excuses.

so within this point of moving to PA and facing my mother... SO much has opened up and I am seeing more and more... especially now in this writing i am seeing this pattern within myself and i am seeing how i am able to stop it.

so, this brings me to last night, after i had written my previous blog, where i was seeing how i had fears and resistance telling my mom about me moving to PA. after writing the blog and the self forgiveness, i knew that it was 'time' for me to walk through not only the point of fearing moving to PA, but also the point of having to face my mother and standing.

my mother picked me up... and within me there began the movements that i had already anticipated would happen- which was anxiety, fear, resentment, and a general position of being 'on the defense'. i did not want her to see my room and notice that i have been packing. i did not want her to take note of the new roommates that now live here. but i did not allow myself to be possessed by those points. i breathed as she entered the house, saw the new roommates, used the restroom, and noticed my room. when we got into the car, i said within myself "okay, no matter what happens- there is no need to get defensive or react- stand up within self honesty".

as we began our drive back to her house, we began to talk about where i was living... and i mentioned to her that i intended to move out of state to PA. there was surprise, confusion, concern, and then there was worry and then came.... COMMUNICATION!!!!! As she brought up her reactions i simply remained there in the car, not going into my mind, not wanting to defend myself or wanting to prove that it is a good decision for me to move to PA and go to school out there, and i answered her almost dispassionately... as in not caring about how she would react. i simply spoke- having already seen my own triggers and reaction points and deciding not to give in to them. we ended up discussing my plans, and what i will be doing, who i will be living with, what i will do for money, what i will do for work. i simply told her what was here to tell and i did not give in to her 'logic' or 'reasoning'... i explained to her without compromising myself... perhaps for the very first time in my life, face to face, i was standing and not afraid of her anymore... and i wondered why i ever really was. i saw instantly in that car how i had been holding on to so much resentment and pain... and that i was reacting to these things within myself and it had always been MYSELF that was making the communication not possible with my mother, wherein i MYSELF was not regarding her as an equal, but rather somebody that i cannot trust and must protect myself from.

The most fascinating thing is that there was no explosion, no anger, nothing. there was sadness because she did not want me to be moving so far away- and there was worry coming from her mother matrix programming which was definitely being triggered- but the issue was settled and she would have to support me in my decision- because i supported myself within that decision. it was the very first time i found myself able to actually express myself and speak directly and not back down. the conversation we had was not without some flare ups and disagreements. there were some touchy moments where i was still having a few points of reaction- but nothing that i was not able to slow down and stop. something that i never thought i was able to ever do- i had done in that moment and it took virtually no effort. indeed the effort only comes when one is doing something that is not simply HERE... something that requires that we put in so much work and stress within our minds that we actually tire from it.

the sense of release was something i did not anticipate. i did not think it would 'go so well'. i was prepared for an all out argument/fight. instead what i got was real communication with my mother for the first time in over a decade. perhaps she had faced some points within her life that i had not been aware of, and she was able to consider different perspectives, but as for myself i knew that i was not going to back down, and within this 'not backing down' i saw how i do not have to argue or fight or have any emotional reaction come up if she disagrees. i do not need for her to agree. i did not have to defend myself or 'prove' anything. simply remaining self honest with myself... and not accepting my own reactions.

when we got to her house we discussed openly her concerns and my plans... and the issue was settled. she offered to help with packing and storage if i needed it and she supported my decision. i also got caught up with my little sister. it was cool to openly discuss things with her too, seeing how she has become an adult as well and is on her own way now. the next day, we had lunch and then later in the evening we went to dinner for thanksgiving... and there were still those moments where i held my tongue- not because i was compromising, but simply because i saw i did not need to have any reaction at all, and simply stopped it- this was really quite cool for me considering the amount of compounded points i had built up around my mother. and within spending the time around her these last two days and not allowing myself to participate within judgment or reaction, i was seeing how she is equal to me... and i was noticing how i have the same design/programming on many things and how the only thing that was different about she and i really was just our programming and how we were dealing with it. she still has many points of possession going on- but i no longer judge her for it, for i see those were the same points within myself.

so all in all this has been very fascinating. i am grateful for kelly having initially brought up this topic and not feeding my energetic reaction of self judgment, which i saw as evidence that this indeed is not anything 'beyond' my control and that i am doing this to myself. i am grateful for myself, for actually applying and living my self forgiveness and self realizations. i am seeing how within APPLYING and LIVING within the actual physical reality i am able to truly change and prove that i am able to see myself through- and that NO judgment, opinion, justification, excuse, or fear is EVER VALID.