Just had a conversation with Lindsay over skype.
I see that I am having reactions and taking things personally when Lindsay shares points and speaks in a way that I am experiencing as 'direct', wherein I am judging the 'directness' as a judgment/condemnation against me, instead of seeing that she is being direct to a SYSTEM that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as, and that any reaction I am having is the reaction of said system.
I see that I have participated in this pattern once again - of becoming defensive, taking things personally, and then wanting to manipulate and control the perception others are having of me, wanting to control how others regard me, instead of actually looking at self within self-honesty and applying self-correction. I see how much I have placed value within the thoughts and opinions of others, and how greatly I have invested myself into how others see me, placing my sense of worth outside of myself and thus constantly seeking to solidify how others perceive me – and how automatically I have conditioned myself to manipulate in order to control that point. This is NOT excusable – it does not matter how 'conditioned' I have allowed myself to become – this point is simply not acceptable in any way whatsoever.
I cannot 'blame' my system design for this. I cannot blame anything or anyone. This is not about blame – this is about seeing what I am accepting and allowing within self-honesty and then living the self-honest realization in the physical, and there is NO POINT in judging myself or defending myself in any way whatsoever, nor is there any point within establishing how 'ingrained' this system may be, as that is only me protecting dishonesty and abuse within this existence.
I see that I have allowed much abuse within this point – and I see that I have existed within and as deception. I have spoken/written these words before – I must prove myself in actually LIVING these words. I DO NOT ACCEPT for this to remain as knowledge/information.
Specifically I had points of reaction when Lindsay shared that there was a thought of not trusting me, and having reaction within herself when she read my last blog, and she shared that there was a thought of seeing me as 'socially awkward', and a momentary thought of seeing me as a 'frail' being that would be moving in with her – which she made clear was her own projection and that she is taking the point back to herself and sees that her reactions have NOTHING to do with me in fact – yet in hearing those words I had taken them personally within myself and then had gone into defensiveness.
I also had a reaction when Lindsay shared that she would not be 'catering to my personality' and that this is not a 'relationship' – within me I was projecting a thought that she is using this as an 'excuse' to remain in a point of dominance, and also I projected a thought onto her of 'she's just going to be bitchy all the time' and there will be no point of being able to enjoy being around her.' I see that it is completely irrelevant whether I 'enjoy being around her', as that is not what this agreement is about. I see that self-honestly she and I CAN enjoy each other and likely we shall so long as we continue to face ourselves and correct ourselves – supporting ourselves within our individual process as we walk 'into' a lived agreement together, but the starting-point is not to 'have a good time'.
After the conversation, I messaged Lindsay about the point of 'gentleness' – wanting to validate myself as having been effective within supporting her through points from an application of 'gentleness' and 'patience' – wanting to manipulate a point of validation and wanting her to consider that her directness is not always the 'best way', within this coming from a point of ego and justification within having taken it personally that she will not 'cater to my personality' – which is me not wanting to let go of my own application of 'gentleness' and not wanting to consider the point of directness within dealing with points. So clearly I am holding on to my own preference here and yes it is my personality that wants to be 'catered to'.
So to take these points back to myself –
'Not being fully dedicated' - I have been having fears and resistances within the point of sharing desteni to others and fearing that others would see me as being in a 'cult' and treat me differently. This is something I have not self-honestly pushed through. I have opened up the point for myself that sharing desteni is not about converting or preaching or speaking a message that I have not lived. Sharing desteni is sharing self unconditionally and not being afraid to stand up within the matrix and not allowing myself to limit myself within relationships within the matrix/work/job environment. Sharing desteni is living and proving that self is not limited and is no longer accepting limitations and daring to live self-honestly in every moment. I see that I have shared bits and pieces of self and my process with people, but for the most part I have been more focused on the reactions that come up within myself at work and in the matrix, and not trusting self to speak in those moments of reaction, and keeping to myself.
Sharing self within self-honesty IS sharing desteni. I am NOT ashamed of walking with desteni and will NOT hide myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mince words and dance around the subject of desteni when sharing myself with people at work as well as certain roommates.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will create an 'unstable' situation at work if I speak about desteni
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the justification/excuse of 'there are practical reasons to not share my process and desteni in the matrix' as a cover to not actually push myself within speaking unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the reactions of others, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the reactions of others effect me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to share my process because 'others' will react and treat me differently.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the memory and experience of my old roommate Bailey speaking to my new roommates and informing them that I am 'strange' and 'into weird conspiracy stuff' after sharing with her my point of being in process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the memory/experience of Bailey telling me that my old roommates Mae and Sarah were both 'uncomfortable' with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making people in my world 'uncomfortable', and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within not speaking up for fear of reaction from others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the opinions of others and the reactions of others are real and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place honor and value within the words of others and to define myself through and as the opinions of others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to intentionally 'hold back' when I see something within others at work due to fearing their reaction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the thought of “Lindsay does not understand what it is to have to be in the matrix everyday for survival” as a justification and blame for the reaction that I had when Lindsay brought up the point of me not sharing desteni unconditionally by sharing myself unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have abdicated and submitted myself over to the 'system' within being a 'part of the matrix' and not wanting to 'stand-out'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and compromise my expression within submitting myself to the matrix/job environment.
Also, allowing the point of 'fearing others' and placing value within the opinion of others who I must work with on a daily basis – fearing 'gossip' about me because I have allowed myself to participate in 'gossip' about others. Also I see that I have been using the excuse of “I am in the matrix and I have to fit in” as a cover-all excuse instead of pushing through the points where I practically am able to stand, yet instead remaining within self-limitation and not trusting self to stand in the moment.
I see that this is a point that requires diligence and consistent application – I had some energy around this point of creating it to be a 'big' point that 'I am totally possessed by', which is self-manipulation. So within self-honesty I see that this is a point that is ingrained as a 'main' system design that I have participated in and it will require specific and consistent application to remove. I do not allow self to believe that I 'am' this point or that it is justifiable for me to fear/resist taking this point on.
Practical self-correction -
I see that I am able to open up and share myself unconditionally – and as I share my actual self-realizations I do not require to fear the opinion or reaction of others, because who and what I am and what I live are absolute – and no opinion can shake or change what I have seen and lived for myself.
So when I see I am able to share myself and the self-realizations that I have opened up within my process, I shall share that openly. I see that it is not about advertising for desteni from a starting-point of making it a religion, but simply sharing in self-honesty who and what I am and HOW I actually walk my process with desteni.
I stand unashamed and I walk with desteni – and I will share my journey unconditionally. I use common sense and practicality and trust myself in the moment and share myself without fear.
If/when a person asks me or I see there is an opportunity to share myself as a destonian, I will NOT allow myself to hold myself back or fear 'sharing too much'.
I speak what I live and I live what I speak. Till here no further, I do not hold myself back out of fear of reactions from others when speaking self-realizations and my process with desteni.
Ok I am going to stop here for now and continue tomorrow and go into the other points.