Friday, November 26, 2010

Deleting my 'Mommy Archive", taking responsibility, and DEDICATING MYSELF TO LIFE

i just got home from visiting and spending a night over at my mother's house. fascinating stuff.

okay so first off it went nothing at all like how my mind had created it- which usually is the case but for some reason i am still not getting the point that nothing my mind creates can be trusted.

within me there had been compounding all kinds of fears, resistances, resentment, memories, and all kinds of pictures about how my visit with my mother would go. i had created within myself the experience of my mother being judgmental, stubborn, not able to hear or consider common sense, only concerned with her own opinions, abusive, manipulative, self interested and not considering life, never being able or willing to hear me or consider me as an equal, etc... as though those points were all that encompass her- as though those points were her entire being.

in my mind, i had created an entire life for my mother- created a lifetime within my mind using pictures, memories, emotions, judgments, feelings, fears, angers, frustrations... a giant concoction of thoughts and pictures which i placed my mother into, and each time i would see or speak to her, all of these would instantly rise up within me and i would become possessed- i would then react to the maelstrom that was stirring inside me each time i had to communicate with her... and i always held her to that mold i had placed her in within my mind... and the funny thing is i was holding on to the justification of believing she was never going to 'change her mind about me' lol

the points around my mother were brought up during a chat i was having with kelly a few nights ago where she had mentioned having a better relationship with her mother now than before and how she is establishing a relationship wherein she does not have to compromise herself and she is able to actually share and communicate with her mother with far less resistances and points, and how she had to walk through a lot in order to get to what she currently has... and when i heard this i immediately judged myself and went into a self abusive, self imposed depression state where i instantly judged myself as 'not able to have that, not able to establish that'.

for me, my mother had been a point of fear and resentment for a very long time... wherein i had placed a great deal of blame and resentment towards her for the 'result' of my life, and i had blamed her for my childhood wherein i experienced abuse and developed a very 'isolationist' and 'protective' kind of stance towards life, wherein i would only befriend those whom i felt i was able to manipulate and control so that i am validated and accepted, and did not allow myself to be vulnerable to anyone because of fear and consistent self doubt.

i very much resented my mother and resented the way i was treated by her, but i had to depend on her and did not have any recourse or choice other than to swallow up my frustrations and angers within myself... and there within myself would build and build with each day more points of compromising myself out of fear and self doubt and experiencing the 'wrath' of my mother whom i felt was often irrational and demonic. and through my childhood and into my adult life, i kept so much of this inner anguish and frustration buried inside myself, having built up an entire archive of memories and emotions and judgments- which would come to replace completely who and what my mother actually is. i would ONLY see her faults, and could ONLY see the points where i had blamed her and judged her for. and i would ONLY experience myself as being a victim and having no say and having no way to actually communicate with her as an equal- and i would use justifications to 'supplement' my aversion to facing my resentment and standing up within myself to face her directly and within self honesty- such as using the excuse of "I think and speak in english and she only speaks to me in chinese, and i am not able to communicate effectively what i want to express in chinese", or "there is no point because she is totally fucked up within her systems and will not consider what i am saying so it's really no use"- and i had used these excuses over and over again to hide myself from the fact that i am the one who is making the communication impossible because i am trying to not communicate with her- because i still saw her as the 'beast/demon' within my mind whom i had programmed myself to protect myself from and give in to.

so the night before, i was looking at these points and i did some writing and self forgiveness- but i knew that there was something 'missing'- that it wasn't the writing or the self forgiveness per se, but that the point about my mother had not been WALKED.

within me there was an expectation that simply within writing and doing self forgiveness i would be released from these points and would not have to 'loop' or face them. but what happened tonight has confirmed for me that no amount of self forgiveness is complete without actually walking through the resistances in the physical, as an actual movement of self that stands the test of time/space. i will get into this but first i want to lay out the context a bit.

i have been facing a lot of fear and resistance on the point of moving to PA and living/working/studying with Kelly... and a big part of it was a guilt within myself... a sense of self defeat/self abdication... because i knew that there are points that i have not fully faced in terms of my mother... that there was like an 'open wound' within myself because of holding on to the past- holding on to my judgments and resentments and blame towards my mother- seeing her as an 'obstacle' that i must cross or a 'challenge' that i must 'defeat'.

within me there was great fear and resistance over telling her about my moving to PA- fears that began within myself but compounded over time through suppression. i see this is extensive and i have a resistance in laying out all the details- which is going to stop right here because this resistance is a distraction point and is simply not acceptable or necessary anymore. i do not require to protect myself or present myself in any way to please anybody. this blog is not for entertainment for an 'audience'. ok so i continue.

for some time now i have been dealing with a point of self judgment and self compromise due to fears that i am not able to take care of myself on my own, support myself without 'help' from others, and within this i had formed a method of survival which is to befriend and use people within my life who will not only validate me as my systems and self definitions, but will also help me in further not being able to actually support myself.

this method of survival... where did it come from? my earliest memory of this comes from a time when i was in elementary school. i had made a friend named Gary. he and i would play a game together all the time where we had created a make-belief world of our 'future selves'. we were cops in the future but we had special abilities. i had the power of a dragon- and was basically a 'leader', and gary was the 'eagle', who was also my future 'best friend' and 'ally'. always, i was 'in charge' and i got to tell gary what was happening in our 'future lives'. we played this game to the utmost extent together... i insisted that our fantasy world existed. it was such a great feeling to be something else... and to have a friend accept and validate this delusion... i realized that i was able to keep gary as a friend forever and keep him loyal by holding him forever in the position of 'follower' in our fantasy game. Gary accepted and validated the false persona that i put on in order to feel an acceptance and worth that i felt so greatly and helplessly lacking.

into my adult life, i had carried this sense of wanting to be 'something else', wanting to be 'something special', wanting to be 'something important'... i was so separated from any sense of self worth or self value that i was willing to pretend to be somebody else, and life somebody else's life in order to have that experience- in order to be able to accept myself.

at home, my memory is that of always being afraid of making mom angry, always afraid of mom beating or yelling at me. the beatings stopped when i entered middle school, but the verbal abuse continued. i was always 'on guard'... and always trying to defend myself... even if it meant lying or cheating or just pretending... i did it so that i would not have to face mom being angry at me. so when i was at school, i had an opportunity to 'make up for' the sense of inadequacy i had by building myself up through fantasy.

this tactic would develop as i grew older, becoming more effective at creating elaborate 'dramas' within which i am able to participate in- and i was willing to do anything to convince others of the validity of my deceptions- going to extremes such as threatening suicide to my friends or faking illnesses to get attention. i would create stories and fantasies just as i did in elementary and middle school when i was in high school. until at one point i decided to 'come clean' about a lot of what i was doing- and told the truth about my lies. this was after getting into spirituality and deciding to 'honor who i am' and 'do unto others as i would like done unto me', though it was from a starting point of self interest disguised as 'oneness'.

as i moved on into some college and afterward deciding to run away from home, i continued to use this tactic of employing my skill at deception and manipulation in order to control and 'manage' how people related to me... always wanting to be in control and always wanting to protect the many parts of myself which i had judged 'unworthy' and 'unacceptable'. i always sought to create the terms and conditions with all of the people i met so that i was able to remain in my self judgment, remain holding on to all the points of resentment against my mother, against my childhood, against the feeling and belief of self inadequacy and incompetence. always i sought not to face and address these points, but to bury them ever further, requiring more and more finely crafted deceptions- which required more and more self compromise.

it had become a trap just like the current financial debt trap the world is facing. in order for me to continue my life the way i had defined it, and be able to protect my self interest in order to survive as my self definitions, i had to constantly create more and more and more unsustainable lies and manipulations one on top of the other to keep everyone else in control and accepting a false reality about me- the same thing the monetary system currently must do- print more and more and more debt into existence to such an extent that the debt can never be paid back.. .can never be REAL-ized. so it was that i too had so deeply compromised and abdicated my self honesty with others that all i existed was, was deception and dishonesty in the attempt to control my reality and protect myself from a others- but namely to hide from myself, to blame and judge myself as 'not worthy' and 'not good enough for life'.

for the last 5 years or so, i have been caught in the same trap... depending on others and continuing to find excuses and justifications as to how/why i am not 'able' to change and sort out my life and live my life fully without having to be so ashamed and judgmental about myself. i have used all kinds of excuses- from not having a car, to fearing driving due to an accident i had almost 10 years ago, to 'not having enough money', to 'not having a good enough job', to 'not having an education', to 'not having any support from my family', to ' not having anyone around me who can assist me', to 'just plain not being good enough', to 'my environment is not supportive', to 'my world is not stable'. over and over i have been fighting to preserve the self definition of me as 'unworthy' and 'unable' and have been coming up with more and more excuses and justifications... more and more 'future stories/fantasies" just like i did with Gary when i was a kid in middle school.

within my application of self honesty and self correction as well, there have been justifications and excuses to not actually change myself and to not actually move and direct myself in the physical to actually LIVE the statements of self forgiveness and to LIVE the realizations that i have had within writing and reading the material/watching the desteni videos.

so this brings me up to the current timeline. recently my old roomates have left and i was searching for a place to live. i did not want to live with anyone who was not 'in process', and i did not want to deal with people who were not dependable because the last few roommates have not worked out for me and it has ended up costing me a lot of money in order to keep this roof over my head. nothing seemed to be stable- this was when it was first announced that we were entering the '2 year time loop' and everything seemed to be compounding all at once... it felt as though my world was going to collapse and burn in flames. all of my fears and anxieties came rushing forth, showing me all the points that i have not directed and taken responsibility for. i mentioned all of this to kelly- and kelly said it would be alright if i moved out there to where she lived, seeing how it would be much more stable, i would not have to deal with so many issues, would not have to worry about not having a place to live, would not have to deal with so many people all the time. within me, there was a sigh of instant relief. however- this is also when i first began to have other fears and anxieties start coming up, which i had been suppressing and not actually dealing with directly.

within kelly offering for me to go and live out there in PA with her, i saw how cool and supportive that would be- to have such a place where i would be able to really apply myself, not have to worry and deal with so much stress, and live with kelly whom i have developed a platform of communication and support with- how cool it would be to live/work/study with another who is also in process. and within this point- i had placed kelly and living with kelly as 'the solution'. and within myself the question arose "okay, so you will be able to deal with your points and have support in walking this process if you go and live with kelly... but what is keeping you from dealing with your points and supporting yourself HERE, NOW?". this question came up several times and i did not want to face the answer- which was that i am still holding on to and fighting for the self definition of "i cannot do this on my own, i NEED support", which was the same excuse/justification system that i have been using for so much of my life. this question sat within me for months... and i have been walking this question within myself not wanting to actually deal with it because i feared it would mean i would have to 'give up' on the chance to go and live with kelly in PA if it turned out my starting point was not clear.

so this fear was building and building within me even though i see within common sense that it would indeed be very cool and supportive for myself (and perhaps for kelly too) if i moved out there and lived with her, because i was having points of not trusting myself and i did not want for me moving out to live with kelly to be another method of me running away from myself... hiding from myself... creating another 'drama' to live in and hide within by running to live with kelly. this fear comes from me not having faced myself so many times before and STILL not facing myself because of the unresolved points with my mother, whom i felt like i was still running away from by deciding to move to PA and not having the courage to tell her, talk to her, feeling as though i cannot trust my own judgment and require to ask her for permission, which i do not see her giving to me because because she is, according to my 'mom archive' of memories and experiences, 'never going to actually support me and will only keep me down'. so within me there was this point of 'see, you're just running away again, thinking things will just magically be okay when you live in PA', which is my mind again defending my self definition and excuses.

so within this point of moving to PA and facing my mother... SO much has opened up and I am seeing more and more... especially now in this writing i am seeing this pattern within myself and i am seeing how i am able to stop it.

so, this brings me to last night, after i had written my previous blog, where i was seeing how i had fears and resistance telling my mom about me moving to PA. after writing the blog and the self forgiveness, i knew that it was 'time' for me to walk through not only the point of fearing moving to PA, but also the point of having to face my mother and standing.

my mother picked me up... and within me there began the movements that i had already anticipated would happen- which was anxiety, fear, resentment, and a general position of being 'on the defense'. i did not want her to see my room and notice that i have been packing. i did not want her to take note of the new roommates that now live here. but i did not allow myself to be possessed by those points. i breathed as she entered the house, saw the new roommates, used the restroom, and noticed my room. when we got into the car, i said within myself "okay, no matter what happens- there is no need to get defensive or react- stand up within self honesty".

as we began our drive back to her house, we began to talk about where i was living... and i mentioned to her that i intended to move out of state to PA. there was surprise, confusion, concern, and then there was worry and then came.... COMMUNICATION!!!!! As she brought up her reactions i simply remained there in the car, not going into my mind, not wanting to defend myself or wanting to prove that it is a good decision for me to move to PA and go to school out there, and i answered her almost dispassionately... as in not caring about how she would react. i simply spoke- having already seen my own triggers and reaction points and deciding not to give in to them. we ended up discussing my plans, and what i will be doing, who i will be living with, what i will do for money, what i will do for work. i simply told her what was here to tell and i did not give in to her 'logic' or 'reasoning'... i explained to her without compromising myself... perhaps for the very first time in my life, face to face, i was standing and not afraid of her anymore... and i wondered why i ever really was. i saw instantly in that car how i had been holding on to so much resentment and pain... and that i was reacting to these things within myself and it had always been MYSELF that was making the communication not possible with my mother, wherein i MYSELF was not regarding her as an equal, but rather somebody that i cannot trust and must protect myself from.

The most fascinating thing is that there was no explosion, no anger, nothing. there was sadness because she did not want me to be moving so far away- and there was worry coming from her mother matrix programming which was definitely being triggered- but the issue was settled and she would have to support me in my decision- because i supported myself within that decision. it was the very first time i found myself able to actually express myself and speak directly and not back down. the conversation we had was not without some flare ups and disagreements. there were some touchy moments where i was still having a few points of reaction- but nothing that i was not able to slow down and stop. something that i never thought i was able to ever do- i had done in that moment and it took virtually no effort. indeed the effort only comes when one is doing something that is not simply HERE... something that requires that we put in so much work and stress within our minds that we actually tire from it.

the sense of release was something i did not anticipate. i did not think it would 'go so well'. i was prepared for an all out argument/fight. instead what i got was real communication with my mother for the first time in over a decade. perhaps she had faced some points within her life that i had not been aware of, and she was able to consider different perspectives, but as for myself i knew that i was not going to back down, and within this 'not backing down' i saw how i do not have to argue or fight or have any emotional reaction come up if she disagrees. i do not need for her to agree. i did not have to defend myself or 'prove' anything. simply remaining self honest with myself... and not accepting my own reactions.

when we got to her house we discussed openly her concerns and my plans... and the issue was settled. she offered to help with packing and storage if i needed it and she supported my decision. i also got caught up with my little sister. it was cool to openly discuss things with her too, seeing how she has become an adult as well and is on her own way now. the next day, we had lunch and then later in the evening we went to dinner for thanksgiving... and there were still those moments where i held my tongue- not because i was compromising, but simply because i saw i did not need to have any reaction at all, and simply stopped it- this was really quite cool for me considering the amount of compounded points i had built up around my mother. and within spending the time around her these last two days and not allowing myself to participate within judgment or reaction, i was seeing how she is equal to me... and i was noticing how i have the same design/programming on many things and how the only thing that was different about she and i really was just our programming and how we were dealing with it. she still has many points of possession going on- but i no longer judge her for it, for i see those were the same points within myself.

so all in all this has been very fascinating. i am grateful for kelly having initially brought up this topic and not feeding my energetic reaction of self judgment, which i saw as evidence that this indeed is not anything 'beyond' my control and that i am doing this to myself. i am grateful for myself, for actually applying and living my self forgiveness and self realizations. i am seeing how within APPLYING and LIVING within the actual physical reality i am able to truly change and prove that i am able to see myself through- and that NO judgment, opinion, justification, excuse, or fear is EVER VALID.

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