Lately I have been experiencing 'anger' within me as energetic possessions where I become literally 'possessed' and am not in fact here, but rather 'lost' within the experience of anger, which is not acceptable because anger itself as an experience is NOT REAL and is a very clear indication of where I am not standing and supporting myself effectively, which compounds into thoughts and backchat which continue to build until finally the energetic possession of 'anger' is able to 'take over' in a moment when I allow myself to be triggered by a certain word, or person, or event in my world which I have symbolized and associated my inner experience of anger to.
So firstly I will write myself to clarity on the point of what it is to experience anger and who I am within the creation of and experience of anger -
Within my life there have been many instances wherein I saw that what is happening or what I was allowing myself to participate in was not acceptable, but instead of standing in that moment or allowing myself to direct the point, I instead remained silent and allowed myself to be a 'victim' within fear of facing that which I was experiencing as 'not acceptable'.
Within this point of 'victimization' where instead of directing a point in my practical/physical world I instead turn within myself and internalize the 'experience' of the event, what happens is I begin to generate thoughts of “How I should have acted” and would actually replay events and re-create the scenario in my mind wherein I act out my reactions and 'lash out' at the persons or the event in question but only within my mind, where apparently I am 'safe' and can do whatever I wish to do without having to face the consequences.
Though the more I allowed this point of not directly facing and directing my life and instead internalizing the point, the less able I found myself 'able' to actually direct my life and the more 'easy' I found it to simply internalize and 'bottle it up' within me, and then find ways to distract myself or justify my inaction because 'at least I KNOW better' and will actually develop a form of ego/superiority within being able to 'sort things out in my mind' (which is absolutely not true - for perspective on this point check out the interview "I believed I was Superior to my Mind") – believing that I was taking a 'moral high ground' and 'not being rash/rude' to others by 'imposing myself' – which was my own spiteful way of not seeing that I had allowed myself to experience other as being 'imposing' and then blaming others for that experience instead of realizing that I am the one who is allowing the experience of feeling 'imposed on'.
Through the years I developed this point of 'keeping it inside' and participating in extensive backchat as my primary way of 'dealing with' the experiences I would have within my life wherever there was conflict or friction or where I saw I was participating in something that was not cool – there would always be that 'space' in my mind where I would find a 'reason' why it was okay for me to continue and not actually face the point directly – believing that I was in fact being 'superior' instead of seeing that the very starting point of going into my mind as backchat instead of facing my practical world was based in fear, which would imply that I was actually living a statement of being inferior (in-fear-ior), and within the extent to which I had defined myself as being 'righteous' by becoming spiteful within my mind, I manipulated and deceived myself into believing that I was being the 'stronger person' by swallowing up my reactions, bottling them up within me, and defining myself within the amount of suppression/self abuse I was able to 'handle' – thus creating the personality of the 'tragic hero' which became a major part of my personality where I actually will seek out and constantly create abusive situations so that I am able to maintain my 'righteousness' – instead of realizing that I was living in fear and had abdicated from an early age the opportunity for me to stand up and develop my point of self-trust and not allowing abuse within myself or my world. (This point of "anger" and fear is covered in detail in the interview "My Life of Anger")
Within this experience would always be the awareness that I do not have to keep living this way and that I can in fact make a different choice and walk a different path, but in those moments I would always 'trust' the experience within me of just holding it all in and allowing myself to participate in self abuse, believing that it was making me 'stronger' when in fact was only feeding the point of fearing to stand up for myself and direct my world.
As I grew up, that which I had 'bottled up' within me never actually left or dissipated – all of the nasty backchat and judgments and spitefulness that I had generated within my mind had only been suppressed and in each instance where I was faced with conflict or anger within my world, it would all come rushing back to the surface, and I would experience a kind of 'power' within me that I would then use as a 'shield'.
A specific example of what happens is when I am faced with a particular being and there is a conflict situation and I allow myself to be triggered emotionally within a reaction – in that moment if I do not stop myself, all of the suppressed anger/energy would begin to rise within me and very quickly I would feel a sense of 'power' within that energy – believing that energy of anger to be real – believing that this energy is in fact who I am and that I was powerful – but what I had not realized was that this 'energy' is NOT power – and is NOT strength – it is actually fear.
When I really break the point down to see it in it's detail in self-honesty the actual words – the actual backchat that goes on within me when I go into that point of anger/lockdown, is that of fear – where I will say within my mind the following types of statements -
“How dare you make me feel this way?”
“Can't you see what you're doing?”
“Why are you so ignorant/stupid?”
“If you only knew how angry I am and how powerful I am in my anger right now you would fear me”
“I want you to fear me and obey me but I will not tell you – because that would reveal that I am not in fact powerful and I do not want you to know that I want you to fear me”.
Statements such as these are the foundation statements upon which my fear becomes warped and projected upon others, and within the righteousness of the ego becomes actual hatred/anger directed outwards when it is actually self anger/hatred for having abdicated myself in a moment where I saw I was not standing up for myself, but allowed myself to play the role of 'victim' and instead of stopping and making another decision, to instead trust the energy/experience of power/anger within me, not seeing it for the fear that it is.
So within this understanding that this experience of anger is NEVER in fact power, but is in fact fear which becomes self judgment/hatred for having accepted and allowed the fear and then becoming dependent on the energy/experience behind the fear, I re-look at my recent experiences of anger and correct myself so that I stop creating/recreating situations in my life where I am giving in to the personality of the 'tragic hero' that has become addicted to the energy of fear and self abuse, so that I can instead direct myself and support myself to stop the abuse with me and within the world that I am creating.
My recent experiences of anger possession have been centered primarily around my mother and especially in the situation of when I am at home.
Throughout my childhood I had extensively utilized the 'tragic hero' point whenever my mother would become angry and scold me or when I felt I was being persecuted/abused by her physically, verbally, or emotionally, and would become very still within myself and as the feelings of being abused and fear would come up within me, I would attempt to compensate by participating in backchat and 'yelling back' at my mother within my mind, but would be too afraid to actually speak or stand up for myself because I was too afraid of further punishment/abuse as a result, and had accepted myself as being inferior/powerless and only felt 'equal' or 'powerful' when I escaped into my mind where I was able to 'fight back' but only in secret, internally.
So, a point that had begun in my childhood 'remained' as a part of me, as what I had become later in my adult life and mutated/evolved alongside my 'personality' – and it is fascinating now that I am sharing a house with my mother again to once again be faced with the point of becoming instantly angry and irritated and wanting to scream – wherein the simplest of things seems to 'trigger me' and 'set me off', which implies that there is a 'me' somewhere in myself that is not in fact alive or self directed, but based on reaction – and as long as I do not take responsibility for this point, I will remain a 'slave' to this reaction - and as with anything that seems to 'blow up out of nowhere' this is a point that has been accumulating within me for quite some time – which I do not accept any longer.
Thus I take this opportunity to correct this system within me as well as adjusting who I am within my 'relationship' with my mother because I see that this unresolved point where I am holding a 'grudge' against her and against myself due to points in my childhood has actually effected all of my relationships in my life where similar patterns of 'shutting down' and not being able to effectively communicate and share myself and always remaining 'defensive' and holding a 'personality of strength' instead of allowing myself to be vulnerable has lead to me not developing and experiencing effective relationships/partnerships – which is a cool point to see because for a long time I simply accepted the idea that I am just not 'supposed' to have effective/supportive relationships and must 'settle' for compromise and repeating the old patterns of self-abuse, but now I see how this system 'works' and how I am able to stop it. (A great interview about how holding a grudge against someone actually diminishes one's own living - "How I Ruined my Life with a Memory")
First, SF on the experience of “Believing in Anger as Strength”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the experience of anger that rises up within me and seems to fill me with 'strength' is actually real and that I am made 'powerful' within that experience instead of realizing that this experience of 'anger' that rises within me as an energy is a compounded reaction of fear which I have suppressed within my life and is an attempt to 'inflate' myself into an experience of 'power/superiority' as a defense mechanism.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the energetic experience of anger and the backchat that arises within me is real and that it is giving me power when in fact I am draining myself and abdicating the real point of 'strength' which is HERE in the physical as stability and self-trust.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that by feeding/allowing this point of anger within me I am making myself stronger when in fact I am only feeding the addiction to and as the energy of fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am more 'powerful' when I am in that state of anger where I experience myself as 'holding back an explosion' wherein I create and feed the idea that I am powerful because I am able to just 'let myself go' and unleash the 'anger' within me upon the other person which is in fact the very definition of demonic possession where I would be living the statement that I am less than my emotions/reactions and that I am apparently unable to take responsibility for my own experiences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that experience of 'anger' within me as 'power' which I secretly use in my mind as a 'threat' against others – secretly wanting them to see and fear the anger within me when in fact I am the one who is actually afraid and not standing up for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am 'staying strong' by continuously allowing myself to feed this point of anger within me instead of realizing that the anger is indicating to me a point of compounded fear which I have not actually directed effectively, which I am still in separation from.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in anger as an energetic addiction in which for a moment I experience myself as powerful and in control instead of realizing that the opposite is true and that when I am allowing myself to be stimulated by and driven by anger, I am not in control and can easily become a danger to myself and others and this is NOT acceptable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am able to 'control' my 'anger' within ego and superiority when I can see that in such moments of anger as possession I am not in fact in 'control' and that if I allow such states of anger to exist within me and compound, I am still responsible for what I may do within that state of possession.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate power and superiority within the experience of anger.
Thus I do not accept or allow myself to 'go so far' as to allow the point of anger to direct me and to accumulate into a point of possession.
I see and realize that I am at all times responsible for my participation and that which I accept/allow I am responsible for.
When I see/notice myself locking down and going into a state of 'power' as anger I will immediately stop, check myself, and firstly ensure that I am not making any decisions or committing any actions with anger as my starting point.
When I see/notice myself in a state of tightness and constriction physically and experience myself within that state of anger/fear I will support myself to walk away from that experience/environment if I must so that I am not allowing myself to be directed by and as that experience of anger and will return to the matter when I am satisfied that I am present and can take into consideration what is best for all within that situation.
I see and realize that this anger is not power, is not strength, but is instead fear – and that fear is not real and is only an indication of that which I am not allowing myself to face/embrace/stand equal to – so instead of remaining limited within fear I will rather push myself to realize that the fear is not valid and that I am able to become the solution to that which I fear by forgiving my judgments and beliefs and doing that which I see I require to do.
What is 'behind' the fear -
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing up for myself within speaking directly as my actual experience of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking directly as my actual self due to believing that it is not acceptable to share myself in that way because I may be judged or may be abused when I allow myself to be vulnerable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that vulnerability means 'guilt' and that instead of allowing myself to be vulnerable I must be able to 'defend' myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I allow myself to open up and share myself I will be rejected and will not be heard and will be isolated or abused, instead of realizing the extent to which I have already abused myself by isolating myself and creating excuses and justifications and personalities all in the name of 'defending myself' from my own fears and my own judgments.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ending the addiction to and as anger and fear because I have defined myself within anger and fear as ways to cope with and suppress that which I did not understand as a child and did not want to face or take responsibility for as I grew up within my personalities and self definitions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept self-abuse as my actual truth and nature of self and within this to accept self abuse within others as well as create situations in which I place myself in the position of abused/abuser by not taking self responsibility to stand up within myself and end the addiction to abuse.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility for myself based on memories of and as my 'past' in which I did not stand and allowed self to compromise, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly fear that I will continue to compromise and become angry at myself for continuing to compromise.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my failures personally and to lose self respect within the points in my life where I did not stand up and allowed self abuse as well as allowed myself to abuse others and within this to fear standing up and allowing myself to take on the responsibility of changing me.
When I see and notice myself 'stuck' in such moments where I am reacting within instant anger/fear/backchat in regards to a person or situation within my life I will stop the reaction and energy within myself because I realize that the experience is not real and will only compound the issue more if I allow myself to be directed by the anger.
To support myself in making clear decisions and not allowing self to repeat the same old patterns and habits and thus recreate the same time-loops and have to face self diminishment and compromise I will instead apply myself within writing out the point, bringing myself to a point of stability and clarity where I am not in a reaction or in a 'survival mode' of fear or trying to avoid responsibility, and within writing the point out I support myself and will myself to live the correction in my practical world immediately so that no backchat or self-doubt is able to restart and accumulate again.
I have all of the tools I require as well as the support – I am here and within the limited time I have on this earth I will myself to stop all points of limitation and fear and dishonesty so that it stops within and as me, and as such stops within and as the world that I create – so that this reality becomes a place worthy of life in all ways.
Practical correction in my world -
When I see/notice myself clenching up or going into backchat/reaction when interacting with my mother I will stop and if I am not able to in that moment clear myself I will end the conversation and return to the point when I am clear instead of allowing myself to speak or react from and as the backchat/spitefulness within me as the experience of 'anger'.
When I see/notice friction/conflict within my interaction/relationship with my mother I will investigate myself first and realize that anything that I am blaming her for or reacting to is in fact myself, and as such, to hold a grudge against her is me remaining separate from myself and blaming another for my own separation.
Within all reactions wherein I am wanting to blame or project my anger I will instead bring the point back to self and correct myself by identifying the trigger(s) and stopping that which does not support me in being effective within my world which includes reactions of anger and projections of blame.
Within this I see it is also to not simply allow abuse within me and when I see/notice that there is a situation that requires to be directed I will not allow myself to accept self-abuse and will do what is necessary to ensure that the abuse stops even if it means letting go of or walking away from beings in my world who are still participating/accepting abuse if necessary so that they can face themselves.
Featured Art Work by Damian Ledesma