Earlier today I deleted a blog post that i had written in which i wrote about my experience within reacting to Lindsay and my experience within going into 'lockdown'. It was clear that i had written that blog in a state of energy and was in a point of justification/blame toward Lindsay, and that the writing was not self-directed or self-supportive, and was more a point of venting frustration and projecting.
In that blog i see that i was not directing myself within actual self-support within and as my words. the blog itself was not clear and at some point i had actually began to fall asleep - there are words and phrases there which make absolutely no sense.
the tone of the blog itself was that of blaming Lindsay and also a point of self-judgment. as i continued the writing i became more and more tired, and ended up having to 'abandon' the blog and posted it without having gotten myself clear and did not look at the words that i had placed, and did not take responsibility in that moment to not place words that are of the mind- words that are not clear self-support in consideration for what is best for all.
in the morning, i awoke and there was a trembling all over my body for a while. i breathed and after some time the trembling was gone. lindsay and i spoke on the point of me having placed that blog and i saw it was NOT cool to have posted it, and that it was NOT a self-honest, self-supportive writing. also, in the writing i had spoken about Lindsay not being 'patient' and not 'supporting me' from a point of projection and blame - which is not the actual truth.
thus, the blog post was deleted.
since that moment i have had a resistance blogging - having doubts of writing clearly and having points of self judgment and guilt for having posted that previous blog - not wanting to expose that this is indeed what had happened.
tonight when Lindsay and I chatted the point came up of me not having blogged, and i went into a reaction - as i saw in that moment how in the 'back of my mind' i had been having a resistance to blogging and that i had a point of self-judgment and guilt over the previous blog.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within self-judgment in relation to the point of having placed a blog that was written from a starting-point of energy and blame.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am the energetic experience of guilt and self-judgment
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within procrastination in order to 'put off' the point of blogging
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to, in that moment last night when i was seeing that i was not clear and was falling asleep, not support myself to stop writing in that very moment
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to post words that are not clear and self-directed within a point of ego - wanting to 'push through' the point of falling asleep and wanting to 'prove' that i am 'stronger' than my tiredness
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to strain myself as the physical within not supporting myself when i see that i am tired.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to this point of guilt within and as myself and to further compound a point of resisting writing, not trusting myself to support myself within writing.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge the writing itself to be something that i have to 'push through'
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i 'do not know what to write about' as an excuse to not write what is HERE
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compare my writing to others and judging my writing as not being 'effective enough' - and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not able to write as effectively
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to be 'as good as the others' instead of sticking to self-writing as self-support and unconditional sharing.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to put my writing tonight off within procrastination in order to not have to face this point of judgment and guilt, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that judgment and guilt are valid experiences.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself within the experience of self-judgment and guilt in order to not take responsibility for myself.
I STOP. I do not allow myself to post writing that is clear and self-directed. I am able to write and clear myself and it is okay to write out the mind and write out the thoughts and blame and projection, but to within that clear myself and establish self-support and share the self-support - NOT share the ego/mind possessions.
In relation to the point that was opened up on the subject of me going into 'lockdown' blaming Lindsay for not being 'willing to be patient with me' - i see that i have completely disregarded Lindsay and have not taken into consideration how patient she actually has been, as i have been having many of the same points continuously come up and Lindsay has been pointing it out each time. I see that I am the one who is projecting the point of 'impatience' and 'lack of gentleness' onto her out of reaction to her directness - and also due to self not wanting to face self - the ego/mind wanting to justify and hide.
I have seen for myself that I must be the one responsible for 'walking myself through a point' and being patient with self - yet within this to be direct and diligent with self to not accept or allow such points and to push self to stop existing within and as these systems.
i see that my 'approach' to my process has not been effective and consistent - and that i am able to adopt a more militant stance for myself - to take points 'head on' instead of internalizing and mulling things over.
i have placed a foundation/structure for myself in terms of how i will practically support myself through this point of reacting, taking things personally, and going into defensiveness and wanting to protect my limitations.
what i see is that i must be proactive and consistent within seeing WHAT i am defending and wanting to protect - to investigate for MYSELF what i am not wanting to let go of and how i came to accept that part of self within and as limitation. this will be a process that i will walk in time - and i am the only one able to do this for myself. the reactions and the mechanism of getting defensive and shutting down is specific to the points of limitation/dishonesty that i am not fully letting go of or do not fully see consciously yet/not wanting to fully see consciously yet.
in slowing self down and having placed this platform/structure of self-support i see that i am not 'immediately' integrating the change within self. i see that at the moment i have not yet accumulated for myself the ability and self-awareness to stop the reaction point entirely - that the automated system reaction currently happens faster than my current self-direction on this point. i see that the point of slowing down - slowing WAAAAAAY down - is a point to take on within this as well. not allowing self to exist within and as the 'hyperactivity' of the mind and to be fully HERE, which i see now i have been struggling with and is related to my pattern/point of internalizing deeply in myself before dealing with something in the physical, which i am currently also pushing through by participating with the physical - and here as well i have not fully integrated the change but i see that in time as i accumulate the point of pushing self to participate with/as the physical, the less of a hold my internalizing will have within my design.
a very cool blog post by rozelle assisted me to see that this is NOT a 'special' thing - that this is a specific pre-programmed system design, and as such it CAN be de-programmed and stopped. in this blog Rozelle shares the point verbatim - explaining in specific detail my exact experience with this.
So tonight, when i had gone into reaction when Lindsay brought up the point of me blogging, I see that I first went into reaction as an automatic response due to having a point within me of judging myself and experiencing guilt on the point of my previous blog post. The point became exposed and i saw how i wanted to hide/justify/argue... i did react and did not expose at that moment the reaction and i did have a moment of not wanting to face the blogging point and Lindsay did have to 'draw' it out of me, but i see that i was not in a point of wanting to fight/justify. in seeing the 'gears' turning within self as this system design, i did support myself within stopping the defense mechanism from triggering.
so i see that i must continue to apply myself within the structure/foundation of supporting myself through the reaction/defensiveness point by not going into reaction, and if i do to breathe and let go of taking it personally and moving self to investigate what i am reacting to and apply the correction. i see that the reactions for the moment are 'faster' because i have not yet fully established self here as directive principle.
so the application i see here is to continue pushing self to support self in each moment of reaction/defensiveness and to get to the 'root' of what i am defending/protecting as ego/mind/self-limitation. within this, to also apply SLOWING WAAAAAAAY down in all aspects of self and establish self HERE as the authority and letting go of internalizing before acting.
i see that what rozelle mentioned would be cool to apply - which is to push myself to be HERE when i speak and be aware of what i say, and to breathe effectively before and during when i speak.