Letting Go of Relationships and Forgiving the Past

Emotional Baggage - Leaving it Behind

I have been facing a compounded and suppressed point for a while now and it is gotten to a point where I must direct this situation or will have to face manifested consequences that are quite abusive and not cool to have to manifest if I am able to take responsibility for it here and now.
I have been holding on to wanting to re-establish a relationship/agreement with my previous partner – wanting to 'prove' myself and be redeemed through her validation/acceptance – and within this I am holding my former partner hostage within a picture idea of who I think she is and what it would mean for me if she would be my partner again – holding on to the memories and experiences of the 'good times' within the relationship that we had – holding on to the feeling of acceptance and validation that I had placed outside of myself and separated myself from.

Now that I am walking in an agreement with another – this suppressed point is becoming more and more prominent and it is now clear that I must direct myself and expose this back-chat for what it is, and no longer allow for myself to be directed by the mind as memories of the past or secret mind judgments and spitefulness within disregarding what is here as life and disregarding the commitment that I am walking now. I cannot in fact walk a full commitment to this agreement when I am still having back-door thoughts about my previous partner.

It is not acceptable for me to say that 'I commit' to something and not actually fully commit – which is what I have done thus far – I have been walking my current agreement only partially – in that my starting-point was not absolutely crystal clear – and in fact I was still manipulating and deceiving in order for me to have an agreement so that I can 'prove' myself again – so that I can 'redeem' myself within separation – thinking that there is something outside myself that I require to 'redeem' me. Within this the agreement has not been of mutual support, mutual expansion – it has been out of my own self-interest within believing that being in an agreement will allow me to redeem myself – which is actually just a cover/excuse for me to not be self-honest with the fact that I am afraid to stand on my own – afraid of facing myself and taking responsibility on my own, and want somebody here with me to support me – but it would not be actual support within what is best for all and it would not be me actually pushing myself or directing myself – but rather wanting for the other to push me and be responsible for me because I do not accept myself and do not direct myself.

The desire to 'prove' myself and 'redeem' myself stems from how my previous relationship ended – where it had become clear that I was holding on to a picture/idea of my partner as the 'ideal partner' that I would like to have and be with which validated and fed my personality/ego – and that I was disregarding who she actually is and the process that she is walking – holding on to the energy of the relationship. This compounded to where she directed the point by ending our agreement/relationship. This left me to have to face myself within myself and no longer having a point within the agreement to 'correct' myself with/through her – and this is where I went into depression and had my experience of 'falling' – where I realized that I had manipulated and compromised myself and deliberately was deceptive to her in order to have a relationship – and within this I generated a lot of guilt and feeling like I had done something terrible – which is yet again another layer of self-manipulation – where instead of realizing simply “Hey, that was a fuck-up. Don't do that again.” and investigating the time-line to uncover what I was accepting within myself to have created such a play-out, I went into “Oh fuck, I fucked up so badly there, I am not worthy of life, I am a piece of shit, I do not deserve to walk this process....” which is how I allowed myself to continue existing within my mind as self-limitation and self-sabotage, where I then separate myself from self-forgiveness and self-responsibility, and instead seek validation/acceptance/forgiveness from my previous partner – making HER responsible for how I experience myself and what I allow within myself. I became possessed by the thought/desire of being accepted and forgiven by her for the 'terrible thing' that I had done – which was all a show for me to not get to the actual point – that I did not accept myself – that I did not know self-intimacy – and when I experienced acceptance and intimacy through the relationship I had with her, I latched onto it believing that it was only through that relationship that I could come to accept myself.

So within holding this point of wanting to prove myself in order to be acceptable to her again, I have consistently been in a point of competition with her – wanting to be better than or at least equal to her so that I can redeem myself – and the more I have allowed this point within me the more spiteful the thoughts have become – actually becoming jealous and envious of her – watching her continue her process and pushing herself and expanding herself and within this polarity, I judge myself and experience myself as diminishing and regressing – which I have been, due to holding on to all of this and not directing myself within it – thus actually diminishing myself and allowing this point to consume me instead of embracing these points, breathing, and working through them.

Within entering the agreement that I am walking now, I brought all of this baggage with me, and my starting-point was tainted by self-interest within wanting to redeem myself and wanting another to accept/validate me. All of the unresolved points that I had not cleared up within my previous agreement have now compounded and have accumulated within suppression – and now has become an entity that must be released – because at the moment my agreement is not based on what is HERE with me and my partner as we walk together, but me and my partner and all of the unresolved points within myself that are now part of our agreement because I carrying/holding onto these points, where I find myself participating in thoughts of being with my previous partner instead of walking fully here in my agreement, going into memories of 'good times' with my previous partner, wanting to experience myself as I had with my previous partner and believing that I am only able to enjoy myself with her, and holding the point of wanting to be forgiven and redeemed instead of actually facing myself and correcting myself.



I take responsibility. I am self-responsible for these points and I do not accept these points to continue directing me. I walk my commitment fully and I close this back-door. I release myself as well as my previous partner from the past as memories and ideas and I embrace what is HERE.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that things will be better or easier if I was walking with my former partner.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my previous partner has forever disregarded me and judged me as 'not worthy' when in fact I am the one who has disregarded myself and judged myself as 'not worthy' in order to not actually face myself within self-responsibility, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project onto my previous partner my own self-hatred and self-judgment.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto an idea/belief about my previous partner instead of embracing what is here as who she is as one as equal to and as myself – within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach and associate memories and thoughts upon the actual being of my previous partner instead of being here and embracing her expression unconditionally without comparing or wishing or projecting my own points onto her.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly wish that she will not enter an agreement with anyone else so that there can be a 'hope' or 'chance' that I might be able to relive the relationship that I had before



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'threatened' by other males who I judge as 'more effective' within fearing that they may enter an agreement with my previous partner, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite those who I see push themselves and direct themselves effectively out of my own point of self-interest and self-limitation.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stifle myself within wanting to redeem myself and prove myself instead of accepting myself and developing my self-intimacy and self-agreement.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in comparing my previous partner to the partner that I actually walk with, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly wish that my partner could be more like my previous partner so that I could play-out my point of getting 'redemption'



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not unconditionally enjoy my partner within holding on to back-chat points in relation to my previous partner



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek redemption and acceptance from others outside of myself



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my current partner against my former partner.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to enjoy myself unless I am with my former partner



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my current partner will not appreciate/enjoy my sense humor or expression



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed polarity based memories and experiences in which my previous partner is seen as 'stable' and 'applying' and 'expanding'. and then comparing my current partner becoming an energetic 'low' feeling.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to memories and experiences of the past within believing them to be special, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my actual experience of self and not actually face who I was in complete self-honesty within looking at my relationship with my previous partner.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition and program myself through guilt and emotional reactions of fear and resentment around the ending of my relationship with my previous partner.
I ALLOW myself to live the realization that my previous relationship was nothing special – I expanded myself in certain areas within it and I diminished myself in others. Who I am now has been influenced by that experience, but I determine in each breath who I am from this point forward and I determine whether or not I will continue to allow myself to be influenced by points that diminish me. I determine in each breather whether I accumulate the points that expand who and what I am within self-realization.
I have no regrets over my relationship with my previous partner.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within shame and self-judgment for manipulating and compromising my self-trust and self-honesty within that relationship and within this I take responsibility within awareness to stop participating in the same cycles.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to intentionally sabotage myself within my agreement within holding on to blame and projecting my own points of limitation onto my partner and blaming the agreement for me not expanding myself.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to intentionally not push myself and instead retreat back into compromising myself and wanting to 'go back' and 'fix' the past.



I unconditionally forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek validation/acceptance/redemption from my previous partner and I release myself, my previous partner, and my partner now from thoughts of comparison based on foggy memories taken out of context in order to justify my own point of not accepting myself and taking responsibility for myself.



I see my previous partner pushing herself, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite her expansion instead of appreciating her unconditionally. If/when she enters an agreement with another, I do not allow that to move me, I do not allow myself to judge myself, judge her, judge the partner she walks with.



There are few who walk and are willing to dedicate their lives to this process, and I will not allow my ego and self-interest or my self-limitations to limit me from supporting equally all who stand and push themselves. I will not allow myself to bring personal baggage and unresolved points into my relationships. I will not allow personality to be in the way of walking one and equal in full support of those who walk within the principle of what is best for all. It is petty for me to resist or hold onto awkwardness towards my previous partner due to back-chat and not directing myself, and it is petty to disregard the partner that I now walk with due to not fully being HERE in this agreement.

The past is past- it is gone now and forever, and I cannot fix or undo what has already been done. I what CAN do is support myself within each breath – within what is HERE in this moment – and determine for myself what I will accept and what I will allow, and within this I take responsibility for what I accumulate within myself, my relationships, my world. It is my responsibility to expand myself and to release and direct all points which I am allowing myself to be limited by. I do not wait for redemption – I redeem myself in each breath. In each breath I re-deem myself worthy and responsible.

I walk my agreement fully, and let go of the past, let go of my ego within wanting to be redeemed and playing out it's tragic hero programming. I push myself and direct myself as the god and authority of my being.

I don't have 'Mommy Issues'. I have 'Mommy Libraries'.

Judgment is NEVER valid.
Thought is NEVER valid.
Emotion is NEVER valid.
Comparison is NEVER valid.
Fear is NEVER valid.

It is the above mentioned things that completely INVALIDATE life.

Last night I was having a chat with Kelly... and once again a point within myself had come up and I had tried to suppress it. However, this time I was observing the movement and the pictures that were coming up within me, and watching the judgment and the thoughts and the emotions as the swelled up and I felt myself wanting to give in and allow myself to be completely possessed by the points- which in a sense I did give in to by the act of me becoming extremely silent and still... as though holding in some ancient and putrid fart that I did not want to air out and was content to bottle up within my deepest, darkest, most secret bowels.

Kelly had mentioned some points related to having progress in terms of being able to have a 'relationship' with her mother in which more and more she is not having to compromise herself and is able to speak directly and communicate directly with her mother whereas before there would be massive resistance, reactions, dishonesty, and mind contructs in the way.

As kelly shared her experience of how she is now able to even 'hang out' and enjoy the presence of her mother, within me began to build a massive point of self judgment and self comparison- because I do not have anything like that with my mother, whom I am still having many points of resistance, resentment, and blame toward, and see now that the self forgiveness that i had applied did not go into enough specificity for me to walk through those resistances. I see that i am still holding on to my past, identifying myself with 'painful memories' which i have come to accept as a part of who i am, which i have manifested myself as over the years of my life. I have resistance to facing my mother and standing as who i am. i have compounded within me so much fear and anxiety in regards to my mother- built up over years and years and years of resentment, fear, anger, hatred, blame, and victimization, all of which i had placed upon my mother as an external force that when i was younger had accepted as infallible and supreme even when she was incorrect about something... and i see how i have still carried this point into my adult life... still seeing myself as 'small' and not able to be heard or considered an equal to the almighty idea of my mother, the 'god' of my childhood universe, who reigned over me and played the role of grand disciplinarian.

Within this reaction and self judgment i see that i envy kelly for having walked through her own points and being able to establish a clear starting point within her communication and relationship with her mother- something that i do not see i am able to have- and within this i see that i am the one who is preventing this from being possible. in having a self honest look at it, i see that i am the one who is not letting go of the blame, letting go of the grudge, the resentment, the victim-hood that i have identified myself as and accepted myself as.

in writing this out i see that i am NOT the idea/belief of victim-hood that i have built up over the years- because this idea is able to be stopped and deleted and i am able to remain here.

i am not ANY of my thoughts, emotions, beliefs, or opinions... they are the result and product of what i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as- throughout my maturing process- repeating the same patterns of fear and inadequacy on my own even after i ran away from home.

This brings me to where i am now. I am now readying myself to move out of california and to PA, where I will be staying and working/studying with Kelly. This brings up the point for me of 'running away' from all the things i have accepted and allowed myself to believe i am not able to handle or address or face. this brings back my fear that i am once again trying to flee from what i am- seeking to be 'rid of' my circumstances and my environment, and the externalized 'unfair, unjust, uncaring' world that i see and accept as 'bigger than me', which i feel 'victimized' by and powerless to stand up to. it is the exact same pattern from when i was a child, being raised by my mother- how utterly powerless i felt when she would get angry at me, scold me, beat me, make remarks about me in her fits of anger... all of which i downloaded and accepted... and then continued to play out into adulthood.

so here i am having a look at where i stand in all of this... and i am seeing all of my weak points... all of my 'soft spots'. i am seeing just how far i have abdicated myself over to fears and accepted myself entirely as inadequate in this reality, and how i sought out refuge within my mind- creating worlds of fantasy in which i was not only protected, but invulnerable to the constant insecurity and fear that i experienced as a child.

"mommy issues"... i do not have mommy issues. i have mommy libraries full of mommy issues, upon which are written the words, upon which are printed the pictures, of each and every thought and emotion related to who i am within the context of my mother and my upbringing. issues upon issues- in the library of information that is Joe Kou as who I have existed as within and as my mind.

this is an extensive point... and will require that i pull everything out and really dig into. and here i am at this moment immediately faced with a resistance to do just that... a resistance to free myself and forgive myself... a resistance to let go of these painful reminders of how i have abdicated myself... resistance to actually let go of all of these issues because for so many years now i have defined myself by them... seen myself as the 'product' of them... accepted myself as these memories and fears and compounded experiences within my mind... resistance to let go of the excuses and justifications that these patterns apparently allowed me to participate in and exist as. excuses excuses... excusing myself from the table of self honest, self willed existence in this reality... excusing myself to sulk away from all life. this is not acceptable.

my mind is running... my defense programs have activated and i am seeking ways to distract myself now... blanking out and not wanting to continue typing.

the self judgment is NOT valid. it is not real and can only be lived as real within my own acceptance of it. i am the only one who is able to validate my judgments because i am the only one that determines what i accept and allow as who i am. and the plain fact of the matter is that i am HERE and i exist independent of how i think i am, what i judge myself to be, or how i feel about myself. regardless of any of those elements i remain existing here as a physical being- thus no judgment is ever actually valid in terms of determining how i am to experience myself. by the plain fact that i can look down with my physical eyes and always see myself HERE, i am HERE and no proof or further validation is necessary.

I have many many many layers to go through- to walk through. I have many many points in which i have abdicated myself as life and now must bring myself back together, and face my greatest fears here in the actual and physical reality so that i am able to stand and be certain that i am able to be trusted with life and will not abuse, and through the test of time i must remain standing to prove that i walk HERE, not in my mind.

I am already "fallen"... now is the time to establish how to stand and stop falling. thus it is not relevant that i am not standing 'already'... and in chasing this idea that i am supposed to be able to stand will not help. i can only stand by standing, not wishing or hoping or judging myself about it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to 'already be standing' and to not have any points come up within me

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe and participate within the thought/reaction of 'if a point comes up, then it means i am not applying myself and that means i am not going to make it in this process'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear 'failing' at something that i have not yet mastered

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear other seeing me as having points in which i am still not the directive principle of and thus not worthy of being trusted with life.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be acceptable and validated by others so that i am able to continue holding on to my resentments, fears, secrets, and dishonesty.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mother simply will not hear me or consider me as an equal and will only ever remain as the mother matrix programming.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be envious of kelly for her relationship with her mother.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to secretly desire for kelly and lindsay to read this and to see me as these words of self writing and self forgiveness and to not see me as who i am, as a being still in process and still dealing with these points, wanting them to see only the surface veneer and not who i am

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire for others to read my words and to accept me "as i am" so that i do not have to actually expose and investigate myself and continue to secretly hold on to my secret mind

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself HERE and to direct myself effectively within common sense and self honesty in each breath.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to manipulate and deceive with my words in order to gain validation and acceptance from others who may be reading.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to invalidate myself by accepting myself as beliefs, opinions, judgments, and personality.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to invalidate myself within accepting and allowing myself to participate in beliefs of morality.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking to my mother as an equal, and letting go of who and what i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as within fear, inferiority, and dependency.

i STOP.

i do not accept as myself the belief of fear, inferiority, inadequacy, dependency as being real or valid in any way, and i will not longer allow myself to participate in any such thoughts or emotions. i am able to stop this in a moment by breathing and moving self HERE as a self willed action, to LIVE this statement of STOP.

this brings me to the current moment as of this writing. i see that i require to go deeper into the specifics but i will soon be picked up by my mother. i will be spending the night at her place and will stay for 'thanksgiving' the next night. i will tell her of my plans to move out of california and to live in PA to work and study with Kelly.

i will update this when i get back.