Wednesday, November 24, 2010

I don't have 'Mommy Issues'. I have 'Mommy Libraries'.

Judgment is NEVER valid.
Thought is NEVER valid.
Emotion is NEVER valid.
Comparison is NEVER valid.
Fear is NEVER valid.

It is the above mentioned things that completely INVALIDATE life.

Last night I was having a chat with Kelly... and once again a point within myself had come up and I had tried to suppress it. However, this time I was observing the movement and the pictures that were coming up within me, and watching the judgment and the thoughts and the emotions as the swelled up and I felt myself wanting to give in and allow myself to be completely possessed by the points- which in a sense I did give in to by the act of me becoming extremely silent and still... as though holding in some ancient and putrid fart that I did not want to air out and was content to bottle up within my deepest, darkest, most secret bowels.

Kelly had mentioned some points related to having progress in terms of being able to have a 'relationship' with her mother in which more and more she is not having to compromise herself and is able to speak directly and communicate directly with her mother whereas before there would be massive resistance, reactions, dishonesty, and mind contructs in the way.

As kelly shared her experience of how she is now able to even 'hang out' and enjoy the presence of her mother, within me began to build a massive point of self judgment and self comparison- because I do not have anything like that with my mother, whom I am still having many points of resistance, resentment, and blame toward, and see now that the self forgiveness that i had applied did not go into enough specificity for me to walk through those resistances. I see that i am still holding on to my past, identifying myself with 'painful memories' which i have come to accept as a part of who i am, which i have manifested myself as over the years of my life. I have resistance to facing my mother and standing as who i am. i have compounded within me so much fear and anxiety in regards to my mother- built up over years and years and years of resentment, fear, anger, hatred, blame, and victimization, all of which i had placed upon my mother as an external force that when i was younger had accepted as infallible and supreme even when she was incorrect about something... and i see how i have still carried this point into my adult life... still seeing myself as 'small' and not able to be heard or considered an equal to the almighty idea of my mother, the 'god' of my childhood universe, who reigned over me and played the role of grand disciplinarian.

Within this reaction and self judgment i see that i envy kelly for having walked through her own points and being able to establish a clear starting point within her communication and relationship with her mother- something that i do not see i am able to have- and within this i see that i am the one who is preventing this from being possible. in having a self honest look at it, i see that i am the one who is not letting go of the blame, letting go of the grudge, the resentment, the victim-hood that i have identified myself as and accepted myself as.

in writing this out i see that i am NOT the idea/belief of victim-hood that i have built up over the years- because this idea is able to be stopped and deleted and i am able to remain here.

i am not ANY of my thoughts, emotions, beliefs, or opinions... they are the result and product of what i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as- throughout my maturing process- repeating the same patterns of fear and inadequacy on my own even after i ran away from home.

This brings me to where i am now. I am now readying myself to move out of california and to PA, where I will be staying and working/studying with Kelly. This brings up the point for me of 'running away' from all the things i have accepted and allowed myself to believe i am not able to handle or address or face. this brings back my fear that i am once again trying to flee from what i am- seeking to be 'rid of' my circumstances and my environment, and the externalized 'unfair, unjust, uncaring' world that i see and accept as 'bigger than me', which i feel 'victimized' by and powerless to stand up to. it is the exact same pattern from when i was a child, being raised by my mother- how utterly powerless i felt when she would get angry at me, scold me, beat me, make remarks about me in her fits of anger... all of which i downloaded and accepted... and then continued to play out into adulthood.

so here i am having a look at where i stand in all of this... and i am seeing all of my weak points... all of my 'soft spots'. i am seeing just how far i have abdicated myself over to fears and accepted myself entirely as inadequate in this reality, and how i sought out refuge within my mind- creating worlds of fantasy in which i was not only protected, but invulnerable to the constant insecurity and fear that i experienced as a child.

"mommy issues"... i do not have mommy issues. i have mommy libraries full of mommy issues, upon which are written the words, upon which are printed the pictures, of each and every thought and emotion related to who i am within the context of my mother and my upbringing. issues upon issues- in the library of information that is Joe Kou as who I have existed as within and as my mind.

this is an extensive point... and will require that i pull everything out and really dig into. and here i am at this moment immediately faced with a resistance to do just that... a resistance to free myself and forgive myself... a resistance to let go of these painful reminders of how i have abdicated myself... resistance to actually let go of all of these issues because for so many years now i have defined myself by them... seen myself as the 'product' of them... accepted myself as these memories and fears and compounded experiences within my mind... resistance to let go of the excuses and justifications that these patterns apparently allowed me to participate in and exist as. excuses excuses... excusing myself from the table of self honest, self willed existence in this reality... excusing myself to sulk away from all life. this is not acceptable.

my mind is running... my defense programs have activated and i am seeking ways to distract myself now... blanking out and not wanting to continue typing.

the self judgment is NOT valid. it is not real and can only be lived as real within my own acceptance of it. i am the only one who is able to validate my judgments because i am the only one that determines what i accept and allow as who i am. and the plain fact of the matter is that i am HERE and i exist independent of how i think i am, what i judge myself to be, or how i feel about myself. regardless of any of those elements i remain existing here as a physical being- thus no judgment is ever actually valid in terms of determining how i am to experience myself. by the plain fact that i can look down with my physical eyes and always see myself HERE, i am HERE and no proof or further validation is necessary.

I have many many many layers to go through- to walk through. I have many many points in which i have abdicated myself as life and now must bring myself back together, and face my greatest fears here in the actual and physical reality so that i am able to stand and be certain that i am able to be trusted with life and will not abuse, and through the test of time i must remain standing to prove that i walk HERE, not in my mind.

I am already "fallen"... now is the time to establish how to stand and stop falling. thus it is not relevant that i am not standing 'already'... and in chasing this idea that i am supposed to be able to stand will not help. i can only stand by standing, not wishing or hoping or judging myself about it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to 'already be standing' and to not have any points come up within me

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe and participate within the thought/reaction of 'if a point comes up, then it means i am not applying myself and that means i am not going to make it in this process'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear 'failing' at something that i have not yet mastered

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear other seeing me as having points in which i am still not the directive principle of and thus not worthy of being trusted with life.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be acceptable and validated by others so that i am able to continue holding on to my resentments, fears, secrets, and dishonesty.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mother simply will not hear me or consider me as an equal and will only ever remain as the mother matrix programming.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be envious of kelly for her relationship with her mother.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to secretly desire for kelly and lindsay to read this and to see me as these words of self writing and self forgiveness and to not see me as who i am, as a being still in process and still dealing with these points, wanting them to see only the surface veneer and not who i am

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire for others to read my words and to accept me "as i am" so that i do not have to actually expose and investigate myself and continue to secretly hold on to my secret mind

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself HERE and to direct myself effectively within common sense and self honesty in each breath.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to manipulate and deceive with my words in order to gain validation and acceptance from others who may be reading.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to invalidate myself by accepting myself as beliefs, opinions, judgments, and personality.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to invalidate myself within accepting and allowing myself to participate in beliefs of morality.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking to my mother as an equal, and letting go of who and what i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as within fear, inferiority, and dependency.


i do not accept as myself the belief of fear, inferiority, inadequacy, dependency as being real or valid in any way, and i will not longer allow myself to participate in any such thoughts or emotions. i am able to stop this in a moment by breathing and moving self HERE as a self willed action, to LIVE this statement of STOP.

this brings me to the current moment as of this writing. i see that i require to go deeper into the specifics but i will soon be picked up by my mother. i will be spending the night at her place and will stay for 'thanksgiving' the next night. i will tell her of my plans to move out of california and to live in PA to work and study with Kelly.

i will update this when i get back.

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