I Give Up on Giving Up!

"Never never never give up" - Winston Churchill

 

At the moment I am experiencing a lot of mind-demon possession – where the points of back-chat that I have participated in for many years are now becoming prominent and manifest – and I am finding myself becoming all of the things that I have feared – becoming all of the things that I did not want to face and had suppressed within myself.

I have designed myself to be a very manipulative and deceptive person – and have honed my ability to abuse knowledge and information in order to influence others as well as to convince others into accepting me or giving me what I want. And while I have seen this point as well as identified aspects of it within my participation in this process and saw how I was still manipulating myself and deceiving myself as well as others, I did not actually apply myself in stopping, which has resulted in abuse and deliberate manipulation, which is unacceptable.

So it is obvious that I must make a decision and fucking stick to it – because I have made similar decisions – I have made similar commitments in the past – only to have fallen back on the point of undermining my self-will and allowing my back-chat to determine who I am and how I remain instead of actually directing myself within self-honesty and living the self-forgiveness.

It is not acceptable to have the tools to support myself and STOP the points that come up time and time again and not actually apply myself – to actually allow myself to remain limited when in fact I am aware of what I am doing, aware that I am allowing myself to diminish myself as life – deliberately harming myself and others by not taking responsibility and standing within self-honesty in each moment due to allowing my own fears to dominate me, allowing my own self-interest and immaturity to override directive principle.

In the end it all comes down to FEAR – because it is only within fear that back-doors exist. It is only within fear that I allow myself to remain limited and actually stand up and take responsibility – and this fear is the fear of losing my 'self' as what I have defined myself to be within and as my mental experience – my memories and self-definitions based on accumulated knowledge and information which is not and never will be REAL and will never actually be of substance of it's own.

The self that I have designed myself to be thus far is not acceptable and will only abuse life if allowed to continue – thus I must stop fucking around in this process and actually take responsibility for the harm that is done through me accepting abuse within myself and thus participating within abusing others in my dishonesty.

Within this the task is to completely redesign myself – completely change every aspect of myself so that all that I do accumulates to what is best for all – that all that I do comes from a starting point of self-honesty in consideration of oneness and equality – as any decision based on self-interest, based on my own private back-chat, is unacceptable.

It is unfortunate that I have diminished myself and compromised myself extensively– but within this I must humble myself and realize that there is no escaping what one deliberately participates in – this is not just about me and my existence within my own bubble – this is about LIFE and there is no room for fucking around. Thus I accept and embrace my responsibility and commit to never giving up, never allowing myself to succumb to the mind within walking away from this process. I commit to not allowing myself to stew within points for weeks, months, years without effectively directing myself – as that is simply not acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously not direct myself when I see points that are not acceptable within my participation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not actually apply myself within this process within full dedication

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not actually live my self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself within standing as the directive principle of my being, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite those who are walking this process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take for granted all who walk this process diligently and consistently without considering the fact that when I am not equally participating and applying myself I am in fact becoming a liability and misrepresentation to what desteni actually stands for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard my responsibility to change myself and stop my mind within self-interest and ego

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am my ego and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my self-definitions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within trying to assist others within separation and using knowledge and information instead of actually applying myself consistently and standing as my own point of authority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume a point of clarity/understanding of what it is to walk this process when in fact I have not personally fully dedicated myself to walking this process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compound points of self-dishonesty and self-abuse due to fear and resistance of actually facing who I am and what I have accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write self-forgiveness that was not actual forgiveness of self as self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand within humbleness and instead to project myself within ego and wanting validation as energy to satisfy a personality that was not self-content.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the simplicity of breathing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist walking my process starting over and letting go of all that I think I have accomplished within the realization that my standing has not been self-honest and thus cannot be trusted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist 'starting over', and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate a point of ego and self-definition of 'I should be further along than this'. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself within hiding behind knowledge and information as well as ego and self-interest in spite of understanding my responsibility.

What I see I require to accumulate is the point of self-direction and no longer allowing myself to participate in the mind in relation to thoughts of self-judgment and wanting to give up, and remaining self-honest and humble so that I do not abuse or manipulate in order to be something that I am not.

I take responsibility for the self that I have designed thus far and within this I commit myself to walking my process in humility – so that I am able to sort myself out and make certain that my accumulation is what is best for all by walking one step and one breath at a time to stabilize myself and re-establish self-trust.

I walk. I WILL myself to never ever give up or allow myself to remain within my points of self-sabotage and doubt. I will never give up on myself no matter what. I am not my mind. I am not my fears. I am not limitation. I WILL myself to birth myself HERE within and as the physical and I will keep standing back up if I fall until this is done.

I WILL myself to accumulate what is best for all in each decision that I make and re-align myself when/if i deviate into self-interest/fear.

I WILL myself to change FOREVER.

Letting Go of Relationships and Forgiving the Past

Emotional Baggage - Leaving it Behind

I have been facing a compounded and suppressed point for a while now and it is gotten to a point where I must direct this situation or will have to face manifested consequences that are quite abusive and not cool to have to manifest if I am able to take responsibility for it here and now.
I have been holding on to wanting to re-establish a relationship/agreement with my previous partner – wanting to 'prove' myself and be redeemed through her validation/acceptance – and within this I am holding my former partner hostage within a picture idea of who I think she is and what it would mean for me if she would be my partner again – holding on to the memories and experiences of the 'good times' within the relationship that we had – holding on to the feeling of acceptance and validation that I had placed outside of myself and separated myself from.

Now that I am walking in an agreement with another – this suppressed point is becoming more and more prominent and it is now clear that I must direct myself and expose this back-chat for what it is, and no longer allow for myself to be directed by the mind as memories of the past or secret mind judgments and spitefulness within disregarding what is here as life and disregarding the commitment that I am walking now. I cannot in fact walk a full commitment to this agreement when I am still having back-door thoughts about my previous partner.

It is not acceptable for me to say that 'I commit' to something and not actually fully commit – which is what I have done thus far – I have been walking my current agreement only partially – in that my starting-point was not absolutely crystal clear – and in fact I was still manipulating and deceiving in order for me to have an agreement so that I can 'prove' myself again – so that I can 'redeem' myself within separation – thinking that there is something outside myself that I require to 'redeem' me. Within this the agreement has not been of mutual support, mutual expansion – it has been out of my own self-interest within believing that being in an agreement will allow me to redeem myself – which is actually just a cover/excuse for me to not be self-honest with the fact that I am afraid to stand on my own – afraid of facing myself and taking responsibility on my own, and want somebody here with me to support me – but it would not be actual support within what is best for all and it would not be me actually pushing myself or directing myself – but rather wanting for the other to push me and be responsible for me because I do not accept myself and do not direct myself.

The desire to 'prove' myself and 'redeem' myself stems from how my previous relationship ended – where it had become clear that I was holding on to a picture/idea of my partner as the 'ideal partner' that I would like to have and be with which validated and fed my personality/ego – and that I was disregarding who she actually is and the process that she is walking – holding on to the energy of the relationship. This compounded to where she directed the point by ending our agreement/relationship. This left me to have to face myself within myself and no longer having a point within the agreement to 'correct' myself with/through her – and this is where I went into depression and had my experience of 'falling' – where I realized that I had manipulated and compromised myself and deliberately was deceptive to her in order to have a relationship – and within this I generated a lot of guilt and feeling like I had done something terrible – which is yet again another layer of self-manipulation – where instead of realizing simply “Hey, that was a fuck-up. Don't do that again.” and investigating the time-line to uncover what I was accepting within myself to have created such a play-out, I went into “Oh fuck, I fucked up so badly there, I am not worthy of life, I am a piece of shit, I do not deserve to walk this process....” which is how I allowed myself to continue existing within my mind as self-limitation and self-sabotage, where I then separate myself from self-forgiveness and self-responsibility, and instead seek validation/acceptance/forgiveness from my previous partner – making HER responsible for how I experience myself and what I allow within myself. I became possessed by the thought/desire of being accepted and forgiven by her for the 'terrible thing' that I had done – which was all a show for me to not get to the actual point – that I did not accept myself – that I did not know self-intimacy – and when I experienced acceptance and intimacy through the relationship I had with her, I latched onto it believing that it was only through that relationship that I could come to accept myself.

So within holding this point of wanting to prove myself in order to be acceptable to her again, I have consistently been in a point of competition with her – wanting to be better than or at least equal to her so that I can redeem myself – and the more I have allowed this point within me the more spiteful the thoughts have become – actually becoming jealous and envious of her – watching her continue her process and pushing herself and expanding herself and within this polarity, I judge myself and experience myself as diminishing and regressing – which I have been, due to holding on to all of this and not directing myself within it – thus actually diminishing myself and allowing this point to consume me instead of embracing these points, breathing, and working through them.

Within entering the agreement that I am walking now, I brought all of this baggage with me, and my starting-point was tainted by self-interest within wanting to redeem myself and wanting another to accept/validate me. All of the unresolved points that I had not cleared up within my previous agreement have now compounded and have accumulated within suppression – and now has become an entity that must be released – because at the moment my agreement is not based on what is HERE with me and my partner as we walk together, but me and my partner and all of the unresolved points within myself that are now part of our agreement because I carrying/holding onto these points, where I find myself participating in thoughts of being with my previous partner instead of walking fully here in my agreement, going into memories of 'good times' with my previous partner, wanting to experience myself as I had with my previous partner and believing that I am only able to enjoy myself with her, and holding the point of wanting to be forgiven and redeemed instead of actually facing myself and correcting myself.



I take responsibility. I am self-responsible for these points and I do not accept these points to continue directing me. I walk my commitment fully and I close this back-door. I release myself as well as my previous partner from the past as memories and ideas and I embrace what is HERE.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that things will be better or easier if I was walking with my former partner.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my previous partner has forever disregarded me and judged me as 'not worthy' when in fact I am the one who has disregarded myself and judged myself as 'not worthy' in order to not actually face myself within self-responsibility, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project onto my previous partner my own self-hatred and self-judgment.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto an idea/belief about my previous partner instead of embracing what is here as who she is as one as equal to and as myself – within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach and associate memories and thoughts upon the actual being of my previous partner instead of being here and embracing her expression unconditionally without comparing or wishing or projecting my own points onto her.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly wish that she will not enter an agreement with anyone else so that there can be a 'hope' or 'chance' that I might be able to relive the relationship that I had before



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'threatened' by other males who I judge as 'more effective' within fearing that they may enter an agreement with my previous partner, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite those who I see push themselves and direct themselves effectively out of my own point of self-interest and self-limitation.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stifle myself within wanting to redeem myself and prove myself instead of accepting myself and developing my self-intimacy and self-agreement.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in comparing my previous partner to the partner that I actually walk with, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly wish that my partner could be more like my previous partner so that I could play-out my point of getting 'redemption'



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not unconditionally enjoy my partner within holding on to back-chat points in relation to my previous partner



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek redemption and acceptance from others outside of myself



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my current partner against my former partner.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to enjoy myself unless I am with my former partner



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my current partner will not appreciate/enjoy my sense humor or expression



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed polarity based memories and experiences in which my previous partner is seen as 'stable' and 'applying' and 'expanding'. and then comparing my current partner becoming an energetic 'low' feeling.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to memories and experiences of the past within believing them to be special, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my actual experience of self and not actually face who I was in complete self-honesty within looking at my relationship with my previous partner.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition and program myself through guilt and emotional reactions of fear and resentment around the ending of my relationship with my previous partner.
I ALLOW myself to live the realization that my previous relationship was nothing special – I expanded myself in certain areas within it and I diminished myself in others. Who I am now has been influenced by that experience, but I determine in each breath who I am from this point forward and I determine whether or not I will continue to allow myself to be influenced by points that diminish me. I determine in each breather whether I accumulate the points that expand who and what I am within self-realization.
I have no regrets over my relationship with my previous partner.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within shame and self-judgment for manipulating and compromising my self-trust and self-honesty within that relationship and within this I take responsibility within awareness to stop participating in the same cycles.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to intentionally sabotage myself within my agreement within holding on to blame and projecting my own points of limitation onto my partner and blaming the agreement for me not expanding myself.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to intentionally not push myself and instead retreat back into compromising myself and wanting to 'go back' and 'fix' the past.



I unconditionally forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek validation/acceptance/redemption from my previous partner and I release myself, my previous partner, and my partner now from thoughts of comparison based on foggy memories taken out of context in order to justify my own point of not accepting myself and taking responsibility for myself.



I see my previous partner pushing herself, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite her expansion instead of appreciating her unconditionally. If/when she enters an agreement with another, I do not allow that to move me, I do not allow myself to judge myself, judge her, judge the partner she walks with.



There are few who walk and are willing to dedicate their lives to this process, and I will not allow my ego and self-interest or my self-limitations to limit me from supporting equally all who stand and push themselves. I will not allow myself to bring personal baggage and unresolved points into my relationships. I will not allow personality to be in the way of walking one and equal in full support of those who walk within the principle of what is best for all. It is petty for me to resist or hold onto awkwardness towards my previous partner due to back-chat and not directing myself, and it is petty to disregard the partner that I now walk with due to not fully being HERE in this agreement.

The past is past- it is gone now and forever, and I cannot fix or undo what has already been done. I what CAN do is support myself within each breath – within what is HERE in this moment – and determine for myself what I will accept and what I will allow, and within this I take responsibility for what I accumulate within myself, my relationships, my world. It is my responsibility to expand myself and to release and direct all points which I am allowing myself to be limited by. I do not wait for redemption – I redeem myself in each breath. In each breath I re-deem myself worthy and responsible.

I walk my agreement fully, and let go of the past, let go of my ego within wanting to be redeemed and playing out it's tragic hero programming. I push myself and direct myself as the god and authority of my being.