Thursday, March 24, 2011
Emotional Baggage - Leaving it Behind
I have been holding on to wanting to re-establish a relationship/agreement with my previous partner – wanting to 'prove' myself and be redeemed through her validation/acceptance – and within this I am holding my former partner hostage within a picture idea of who I think she is and what it would mean for me if she would be my partner again – holding on to the memories and experiences of the 'good times' within the relationship that we had – holding on to the feeling of acceptance and validation that I had placed outside of myself and separated myself from.
Now that I am walking in an agreement with another – this suppressed point is becoming more and more prominent and it is now clear that I must direct myself and expose this back-chat for what it is, and no longer allow for myself to be directed by the mind as memories of the past or secret mind judgments and spitefulness within disregarding what is here as life and disregarding the commitment that I am walking now. I cannot in fact walk a full commitment to this agreement when I am still having back-door thoughts about my previous partner.
It is not acceptable for me to say that 'I commit' to something and not actually fully commit – which is what I have done thus far – I have been walking my current agreement only partially – in that my starting-point was not absolutely crystal clear – and in fact I was still manipulating and deceiving in order for me to have an agreement so that I can 'prove' myself again – so that I can 'redeem' myself within separation – thinking that there is something outside myself that I require to 'redeem' me. Within this the agreement has not been of mutual support, mutual expansion – it has been out of my own self-interest within believing that being in an agreement will allow me to redeem myself – which is actually just a cover/excuse for me to not be self-honest with the fact that I am afraid to stand on my own – afraid of facing myself and taking responsibility on my own, and want somebody here with me to support me – but it would not be actual support within what is best for all and it would not be me actually pushing myself or directing myself – but rather wanting for the other to push me and be responsible for me because I do not accept myself and do not direct myself.
The desire to 'prove' myself and 'redeem' myself stems from how my previous relationship ended – where it had become clear that I was holding on to a picture/idea of my partner as the 'ideal partner' that I would like to have and be with which validated and fed my personality/ego – and that I was disregarding who she actually is and the process that she is walking – holding on to the energy of the relationship. This compounded to where she directed the point by ending our agreement/relationship. This left me to have to face myself within myself and no longer having a point within the agreement to 'correct' myself with/through her – and this is where I went into depression and had my experience of 'falling' – where I realized that I had manipulated and compromised myself and deliberately was deceptive to her in order to have a relationship – and within this I generated a lot of guilt and feeling like I had done something terrible – which is yet again another layer of self-manipulation – where instead of realizing simply “Hey, that was a fuck-up. Don't do that again.” and investigating the time-line to uncover what I was accepting within myself to have created such a play-out, I went into “Oh fuck, I fucked up so badly there, I am not worthy of life, I am a piece of shit, I do not deserve to walk this process....” which is how I allowed myself to continue existing within my mind as self-limitation and self-sabotage, where I then separate myself from self-forgiveness and self-responsibility, and instead seek validation/acceptance/forgiveness from my previous partner – making HER responsible for how I experience myself and what I allow within myself. I became possessed by the thought/desire of being accepted and forgiven by her for the 'terrible thing' that I had done – which was all a show for me to not get to the actual point – that I did not accept myself – that I did not know self-intimacy – and when I experienced acceptance and intimacy through the relationship I had with her, I latched onto it believing that it was only through that relationship that I could come to accept myself.
So within holding this point of wanting to prove myself in order to be acceptable to her again, I have consistently been in a point of competition with her – wanting to be better than or at least equal to her so that I can redeem myself – and the more I have allowed this point within me the more spiteful the thoughts have become – actually becoming jealous and envious of her – watching her continue her process and pushing herself and expanding herself and within this polarity, I judge myself and experience myself as diminishing and regressing – which I have been, due to holding on to all of this and not directing myself within it – thus actually diminishing myself and allowing this point to consume me instead of embracing these points, breathing, and working through them.
Within entering the agreement that I am walking now, I brought all of this baggage with me, and my starting-point was tainted by self-interest within wanting to redeem myself and wanting another to accept/validate me. All of the unresolved points that I had not cleared up within my previous agreement have now compounded and have accumulated within suppression – and now has become an entity that must be released – because at the moment my agreement is not based on what is HERE with me and my partner as we walk together, but me and my partner and all of the unresolved points within myself that are now part of our agreement because I carrying/holding onto these points, where I find myself participating in thoughts of being with my previous partner instead of walking fully here in my agreement, going into memories of 'good times' with my previous partner, wanting to experience myself as I had with my previous partner and believing that I am only able to enjoy myself with her, and holding the point of wanting to be forgiven and redeemed instead of actually facing myself and correcting myself.
I take responsibility. I am self-responsible for these points and I do not accept these points to continue directing me. I walk my commitment fully and I close this back-door. I release myself as well as my previous partner from the past as memories and ideas and I embrace what is HERE.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that things will be better or easier if I was walking with my former partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my previous partner has forever disregarded me and judged me as 'not worthy' when in fact I am the one who has disregarded myself and judged myself as 'not worthy' in order to not actually face myself within self-responsibility, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project onto my previous partner my own self-hatred and self-judgment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto an idea/belief about my previous partner instead of embracing what is here as who she is as one as equal to and as myself – within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach and associate memories and thoughts upon the actual being of my previous partner instead of being here and embracing her expression unconditionally without comparing or wishing or projecting my own points onto her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly wish that she will not enter an agreement with anyone else so that there can be a 'hope' or 'chance' that I might be able to relive the relationship that I had before
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'threatened' by other males who I judge as 'more effective' within fearing that they may enter an agreement with my previous partner, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite those who I see push themselves and direct themselves effectively out of my own point of self-interest and self-limitation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stifle myself within wanting to redeem myself and prove myself instead of accepting myself and developing my self-intimacy and self-agreement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in comparing my previous partner to the partner that I actually walk with, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly wish that my partner could be more like my previous partner so that I could play-out my point of getting 'redemption'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not unconditionally enjoy my partner within holding on to back-chat points in relation to my previous partner
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek redemption and acceptance from others outside of myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my current partner against my former partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to enjoy myself unless I am with my former partner
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my current partner will not appreciate/enjoy my sense humor or expression
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed polarity based memories and experiences in which my previous partner is seen as 'stable' and 'applying' and 'expanding'. and then comparing my current partner becoming an energetic 'low' feeling.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to memories and experiences of the past within believing them to be special, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my actual experience of self and not actually face who I was in complete self-honesty within looking at my relationship with my previous partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition and program myself through guilt and emotional reactions of fear and resentment around the ending of my relationship with my previous partner.
I ALLOW myself to live the realization that my previous relationship was nothing special – I expanded myself in certain areas within it and I diminished myself in others. Who I am now has been influenced by that experience, but I determine in each breath who I am from this point forward and I determine whether or not I will continue to allow myself to be influenced by points that diminish me. I determine in each breather whether I accumulate the points that expand who and what I am within self-realization.
I have no regrets over my relationship with my previous partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within shame and self-judgment for manipulating and compromising my self-trust and self-honesty within that relationship and within this I take responsibility within awareness to stop participating in the same cycles.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to intentionally sabotage myself within my agreement within holding on to blame and projecting my own points of limitation onto my partner and blaming the agreement for me not expanding myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to intentionally not push myself and instead retreat back into compromising myself and wanting to 'go back' and 'fix' the past.
I unconditionally forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek validation/acceptance/redemption from my previous partner and I release myself, my previous partner, and my partner now from thoughts of comparison based on foggy memories taken out of context in order to justify my own point of not accepting myself and taking responsibility for myself.
I see my previous partner pushing herself, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite her expansion instead of appreciating her unconditionally. If/when she enters an agreement with another, I do not allow that to move me, I do not allow myself to judge myself, judge her, judge the partner she walks with.
There are few who walk and are willing to dedicate their lives to this process, and I will not allow my ego and self-interest or my self-limitations to limit me from supporting equally all who stand and push themselves. I will not allow myself to bring personal baggage and unresolved points into my relationships. I will not allow personality to be in the way of walking one and equal in full support of those who walk within the principle of what is best for all. It is petty for me to resist or hold onto awkwardness towards my previous partner due to back-chat and not directing myself, and it is petty to disregard the partner that I now walk with due to not fully being HERE in this agreement.
The past is past- it is gone now and forever, and I cannot fix or undo what has already been done. I what CAN do is support myself within each breath – within what is HERE in this moment – and determine for myself what I will accept and what I will allow, and within this I take responsibility for what I accumulate within myself, my relationships, my world. It is my responsibility to expand myself and to release and direct all points which I am allowing myself to be limited by. I do not wait for redemption – I redeem myself in each breath. In each breath I re-deem myself worthy and responsible.
I walk my agreement fully, and let go of the past, let go of my ego within wanting to be redeemed and playing out it's tragic hero programming. I push myself and direct myself as the god and authority of my being.