Friday, April 24, 2009

4-23-09

Staggered sleep schedule. Got a call from work asking me to go in early because somebody called out.

Eager to say yes. Perhaps too eager to please. Too eager to present myself as the dependable person when in fact I cannot be depended on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consistently portray myself as the idea of somebody who is dependable instead of actually being the source of my own dependability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself as an illusion of dependability to others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to stand within and as my own dependability, equal and one to my own dependability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot depend on myself or rely upon myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to be worthy and equal to self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself as a means to not have to trust myself or depend on myself.

got to work. busy day. constantly busy with customers who seem more like vultures picking at the dying flesh of fresh carrion. did not give myself time to stop and have breakfast. worked through an empty stomach until lunch break.

felt uneasy and unstable. constant feeling that i am not able or competent to handle even my most basic job duties.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel incompetent and nervous about myself.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to consistently doubt myself and generate energy around my self doubt, which i hold on to until it actually manifests.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to constantly second guess myself and lock myself down into a state of fear and insecurity, paralyzed by my own irrational fear of self.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to submerge myself within the design of fear, insecurity, incompetence, and unworthiness instead of remaining HERE as that which is HERE equal and one with each breath.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be lead around by my mind constructs instead of being the self directive principle of me.

had a moment when i had to do mental math to figure out the correct amount of change to give back to a customer, and locked myself into doubt, nervousness, and insecurity instead of taking on the challenge equal and one with each breath HERE. Had to invent an excuse to the customer "sorry, my math isn't as good as it was", which led the customer to assure me that i had indeed done the math right, which i then used to comfort myself and justify myself with.

i forgive myself that in that moment of having to depend on myself to get myself through the situation, i accepted and allowed myself to react in fear and doubt and insecurity and be lost within those reactions instead of seeing directly and applying myself HERE to realize that i was not fucking up and that i was fully capable of doing the math on my own without a machine.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to instantly delude myself and justify myself and completely brush aside my reactions of fear and insecurity based on the customer's comment of "no, you had it right the first time" and taking that comment to hide behind and pretend i never doubted myself in the first place, thus creating a timeloop for myself.

i forgive myself that i am constantly afraid of facing myself honestly and fully.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to such an extent that i actually fear trusting myself.

remained in my mind most of the work day, droning on in my work, not really being present. had a few moments of admiring coworkers that i find attractive.

at closing time, had a big snafu. lost track of a large sum of money that was supposed to be filed away and was in my care. was not present. i do not know where that large sum of money went. will probably find out tomorrow.

i felt the sting of self doubt again. of incompetence. of insecurity. the fear of me not actually being dependable or capable of my assigned duties. manifesting my constructs.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts and opinions of myself being incompetent or somehow unable to grasp basic things that people around me appear to have no trouble with.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to constantly compare myself unfairly to others, and dwell on what i perceive to be my "flaws" and "faults", using these things to fuel my lack of trust in self and my constructs of self doubt and insecurity.

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