Tuesday, October 25, 2011

"Home" Again

Coming “Home”

I am now living again with my mother and sister, back “home” after having spent many years “on my own” and having “my own way of living”.

It is fascinating because I was never actually living, nor was I actually on my own. My life had been primarily about trying to find 'stability', and in my search I did not consider that stability is not a place or some perfect circumstance that I must go out into the world and find.

Being here 'at home' is quite interesting. For a long while I have been dreading this point – I have been fearing having to “end up back here again” because when I initially left home many years ago it was because I couldn't stand it anymore – I could not stand living with my mother and I was building up a lot of anger, frustration, judgment, and definitely a lot of back-chat that led to an experience in which I simply had to leave or would have surely ended up doing something drastic or would have wanted to kill myself. At that time in my life I did not understand the point of emotions and feelings and what back-chat can do to a person if there is no method of 'checking-in' with self.

So, I left home, and I thought I would finally be free – I would finally be able to live my own life and be on my own. But when I look back I as not in fact ready – I simply went into a polarity manifestation as a result of all of the emotions and judgments I was carrying within myself – I was trying to run away from a situation that I felt powerless in, and I thought that by leaving it all behind I would be able to get a clean slate and start over.

What has ended up happening over the years is that I never actually faced all of the issues that led me to my 'decision' (I would say possession) to basically run a way from home one day. I allowed my frustration and fear to direct me and I ended up in situations that were not actually supportive or cool. I did not have sufficient self trust to actually stand up and support myself, and ended up becoming dependent on the help of friends who would assist me with getting me a place to stay while I tried to get 'on my feet'. Within this, I went from place to place, staying in various houses with various friends, living in garages or setting up a 'room' by hanging fabric in the corner of a living room, and sleeping on couches and computer chairs. All this time I was supported by my friends until I finally got a stable job and began to be able to afford paying rent – and finally getting a room for myself. But through all of this I was still searching for stability – still searching for that place or that perfect situation in which I would not have to worry again, and would be 'set' for the rest of my life – I never considered that the reason why my life remained so unstable was because I myself was constantly unstable – constantly unsatisfied, constantly afraid, constantly on the lookout for danger or warning signs indicating the possibility that my world would change and that I would have to change with it, or that my circumstances were not cool but I was 'stuck' where I was and did not have a 'way out', which was the exact same experience I would have back when I lived with my mother.

Now, about 8 years later, I find myself back “home”. Things did not work out for me as I had hoped – which is ironic because does anything ever work out the way we 'hope'? Hope itself is the very absence of action and self will.

There was a lot of reaction and frustration and anger within myself for 'having to end up back here' in seemingly the one place where I had defined myself as being 'unable to stand'. There are still points that I must direct and change, as points from the 'past' are here again, but as I push myself more and more to embrace what is here and realize that the stability and freedom that I have for so long been in search of, has always been HERE.
With the tools of self-writing and self-forgiveness as well as the desteni material and the ITD courses, I have been able to realize that I have existed as fear of loss and fear of change for a great portion of my life – in fact I would say ALL of my life – and what I am now seeing and realizing within this is that it does not in fact matter where I am, or who I am with, or what my living situation is – because what determines me and my experience of myself is what I accept and allow within myself.

Leaving the place where I used to live, which I had defined as a place that I was comfortable in, where I enjoyed the city and the people and the environment, and had created for myself the idea that I would finally be able to 'settle down', ending a relationship with another being that I had defined myself by, and moving back here to my current living situation seemed like the entire world had ended for me – as though I was completely lost and had utterly failed – had 'lost everything'.

But what have I actually lost? I have lost relationships that I had formed in my mind – I have lost the things that I attached value to in my attempt to find happiness and stability outside of myself. And now that these things are no longer a part of my life I see that the happiness and enjoyment that I had attached through those relationships were not real – and what I am left with here is the memories and experiences and thoughts I had participated in – which now seem ridiculous because if I hold on to them, I only create points of friction and resistance to the world in which I actually REALLY live in, as I disregard what is in fact HERE in my reality, in my environment, by trying to return to a “place” that I had built out of thoughts and feelings and pictures that exists only in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the point of stability within trying to seek out situations and people that will support me in the idea and belief that stability is something that I must find and attain through relationships with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to stand as my own point of stability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my self-honesty, my self-trust, my self-worth, my self-respect within trying to manipulate my world and the relationships within it so that I can experience the point of 'stability' which I have separated myself from.

Now I live and apply a new definition for the word “stability”, which I had for so long been searching for outside of myself. I will no longer define “stability” as that which is outside of and separate from myself.

My new definition of stability – Stable Is Me.

Stability is me being here with myself, as myself, unchanging and undefined by relationships in my world. Stability is me unchanging as the world around me and the people around me might change.

Stability is me realizing and living the realization that who I am is not composed of the relationships I form in my mind in regards to the people and places that I encounter and co-exist with.

Stability is me not compromising myself or 'losing myself' for the sake of trying to hold onto or control a certain situation or relationship in my life because of a fear of loss or a fear of change, because I am here always, and can never 'lose' myself.

Stability is me realizing and living the realization that I, as stability, am here and that it only takes a moment of breath to bring myself back to me, no matter where I am or who I am with, and that I will never abandon or give up on myself as long as I breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I am is based upon the relationships I am able to have with people and my environment in which I separate myself from the point of self enjoyment and self worth in the attempt to experience the energy of those relationships and thinking that such energy is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'lose' myself within definitions associated and attached to people, places, and preferences based either on positive associations or negative associations instead of realizing that I am HERE and that I am one and equal to all that is here in fact because we are all of the same substance, the same life force, and that the only thing that is separating myself from this point of equality is my own ego and consciousness, holding on to it's own networks of relationships, fearing to 'let go' and fearing to stop existing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear 'stopping existing'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate 'stopping existing' with fear and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by preferences and judgments in relationship to the places and the people in my world.

I stop. I am here. I let go of and stop reliving memories and experiences of the past and within this disregarding who I am HERE, in this present moment.

I let go of and stop wanting an ideal future, based on preferences and wanting to avoid my fears and resistances, instead of realizing that I am HERE and that whatever resistance or fear I have now, will not go away unless I stand up and face it HERE, NOW.

I stand. I continue. I am "home again"

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