Shoplifting, Robbery, and Self-Realization PART 1.5

*note- this is not a completed document. i will continue to work on this when i return from work this evening.*

Okay- there are points here in the document where i made spelling/grammatical mistakes so i am going back through and see where i am not fully here directing the point within my writing.

I see that when I was writing this, I was in a 'hurry' to clear up the points and wanting the energy to dissipate, but did not support myself within directing myself to slow down and write within self-direction and rather wanted to 'get it all out'.

As I continued in the document became sleepy and towards the end I was dozing off and having to re-type sentences because the words would come out as mind-babble that didn't make any sense at all. I see how I gave in to the 'pressure' demon, where I placed myself under pressure and wanted to 'get it done' from a starting-point of energy and wanting to 'progress' with this point instead of bringing it all back to self, HERE, and directing self.

At the end as I was writing self-forgiveness on the points that I saw, I knew that I would have to 'let go' and continue working on this point in the morning as the words kept coming out as gibberish as I typed- clearly indicating that I am not HERE. So I then abandoned the writing for the moment and went to sleep and left the document with 'loose ends' and words that were not clear. This is not acceptable!

So I see the practical correction for myself is to direct myself HERE and to not go into points of wanting to 'complete' a document when I am writing, wherein I am making the self-writing into an 'assignment' or 'homework' that must be done. Stick to self-direction and self-support with the words that I place so that it is not an 'assignment' that must be completed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to 'push' through my writing from a starting-point of wanting to 'get it done' instead of sticking to self-correction and self-directed writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not direct myself within self-honesty when I notice that I had become very sleepy and was having trouble with writing clear words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I start writing on a point then I must 'finish' writing all of it in one sitting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I have not written 'all' of what I had 'wanted to write about'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write from a starting-point of what I 'want to write' instead of writing what is here for and as self-support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I don't 'finish' something the way I wanted to finish it – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'force' myself to finish something from a point of ego instead of support-myself within self-honesty and self-trust to 'let go' in a moment and continue a point when I am clear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to the 'pressure' system wherein I am 'racing the clock' and wanting to get something done 'on time' – within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to write as much as I can before falling asleep instead of directing myself to bring the writing to a closing point and allow myself to continue it when I have rested and am clear.

If/when I notice myself dozing off or falling asleep I will stop immediately and breathe, and bring myself back HERE to the moment and direct myself to let go of any and all energy and thoughts. If I see in that moment that I require to sleep and that I am not clear, I will direct myself within the document and end the document for the moment instead of trying to 'push through' from a point of wanting to 'get something done'. I direct myself within self-honesty and do not allow self to write as the mind. I direct myself to not abandon myself as the words that I write and simply 'drop off'. Here I am going back through what I had written and clearing up all points that are not clear-
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Shoplifting, Robbery, and Self-Realization PART 1

Today at work a young boy tried to steal a new pair of shoes by 'trying them on' and then walking out of the store with them. One of my associates noticed it and called it out over our radios. In that moment I did not move to intercept the boy, and experienced a moment of hesitation within self- seeing that I should move to stop the boy but 'for some reason' did not. It was as though I was paralyzed for a brief moment and could not 'will' myself to move.

A customer ran out after the boy and yelled towards him to get back into the store. At this point i went out and caught up to the boy and said "hey those are some nice new shoes you have. do you have a receipt for those?" to which the boy responded "i was just trying them on, i swear". At this point another associate from the store came out- the one who first noticed the boy attempting to walk out with the new shoes. he escorted the boy back, got the shoes, and returned to the young man the shoes he originally came in with. after the ordeal we began to talk about what had happened and as well as begin to trade stories about the 'old days' when we worked for a different company and we had a Loss Prevention department in the store who would apprehend and catch all shoplifters as well as press charges against them whereas now we no longer pursue or go after shoplifters if they get beyond a certain point. i participated within the gossip as well as the energy around having 'busted a shoplifter' and participated as well in indulging within the energy of the event, and did not direct myself within stopping and letting go of the energy, which i now see would have an immediate consequential play-out which i will soon share.

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“i participated within the gossip as well as the energy around having 'busted a shoplifter' and participated as well in indulging within the energy of the event, and did not direct myself within stopping and letting go of the energy, which i now see would have an immediate consequential play-out which i will soon share.”

ok this was not a clear paragraph.

I participated within gossiping and 'feeling good' about having 'busted a shoplifter'. I felt like we did a good job and participated in an energy of 'celebration' and creating the event to be a positive experience that was charged with thoughts of “yeah, we got that kid” and “cool, we stopped a shoplifter”.

When the event happened there was also an energetic rush within myself, feeling 'important' and creating thoughts of 'yeah I stopped that kid and got him back into the building', wanting to remain within a point of self-validation for having done something 'cool' that others would 'appreciate'.

Walking out, speaking to the kid, and walking back, I was in a state of excitement and my mind was racing. It was a rush of feeling very exuberant and 'pumped up'. So I see now that I had created this experience within myself of feeling good, wanting to validate myself as having done something 'cool', being able to 'trade stories' with the others about how we used to 'handle' shoplifters, indulging in memory and gossip.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within the moment of hesitation and not 'springing into action' in time to stop the boy from leaving the store

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not 'doing my job' because the boy got out of the store

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to 'redeem myself' for having 'not done my job'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek validation and redemption after getting the boy to walk back in to the store.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have all of the 'credit' for getting the boy to come back into the store.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as 'incompetent'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am incompetent

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'incompetent' is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not 'good enough' to be respected

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'respect' is real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing my own self-judgment within correcting myself and letting go of the self-definition of 'incompetent'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a point of wanting to 'prove' that I am not 'incompetent' to others by seeking validation/attention/credit/praise within gossiping with others and wanting to assert my own claim within stopping the boy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stifle myself in the moment when I saw that I can move myself and stop the boy before he got out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to self-doubt when I saw the moment where I was able to do something but instead retreated within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in that moment of seeing that I am able to go and stop this boy, instead doubt myself and give in to fear that I will mess up and do something 'wrong'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regard what other people will think of me as being 'more important' than what is going on here in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within wanting to protect my image in front of my co-workers and not wanting to make a 'mistake' in front of them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in that moment of hearing Jason notify the staff about the boy leaving with shoes to not get up and wait to see if anyone else was going to respond so that I did not have to take responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist taking responsibility so that I am able to remain within and as my comfort-zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a reactive self-judgment for having doubted myself and stifled myself in that moment of not taking action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'hold onto' the self-judgment of not having 'taken action'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am 'supposed to' take action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am less because I did not do something that I was 'supposed to do'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is 'wrong' that I did not 'spring into action'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is 'wrong' to have not been there to stop the boy 'on time'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I did something 'wrong' within not responding immediately, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is such a thing as 'right' or 'wrong'.

I stop. I see that I had been holding on to morality within this event and within and as myself. I stop living the 'story' of 'good' and 'bad'. What happened was specific in that I had stifled myself within self-doubt, but I am able to learn from this and expand myself. I correct myself and do not allow self to stifle self within self-doubt. I dare to live in the moment and move myself within self-trust. If I make a mistake I can, I will, and I do correct myself again.

I stop participating in wanting to hold myself within a picture presentation around my co-workers. I let go of all energy and memories and judgments of what I 'should' or 'should not' have done and live HERE within self-corrective application in the moment within and as each breath.

I see that I have created and participated within a system-design and pattern of 'covering' and 'redeeming' myself when I make a 'mistake' or when I experience myself as 'not living up to a standard'. This is also tied to me creating 'standards' as projections that I want to live as but do not trust self to actually do what it takes to live that in fact and not as a projection. I stop this. I am able, willing, and I DO live what it takes to manifest myself in fact as what is best for all as my fullest potential. This is a process and I will and DO walk until this is done. I stop looking back over my stumbles and falls and continue moving forward as I adjust and correct myself. I stop counting my missteps and looking back and judging myself for all the times I did not remain HERE within what I am doing and seeing that I am in fact moving myself.

I stop looking back and focusing on the points where I have 'failed' and was not 'good enough' and allow self to see how far I have come. I continue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and fear accepting and embracing myself totally and unconditionally AS self within my current 'flaws' and limitations and realize that I am not those limitations. As I walk I continue to face these points until I establish my self-correction in fact and no longer require to face these points as time-loops. I care and love myself as life and LIVE this love and care within not allowing self to withdraw back into systems and judge self within and as self-limitation.
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Later, on my walk back from home, i recorded a vlog 'in the moment'. i sat down on a park bench and spoke what was 'here' to speak. i spoke about abusing energy within and as the mind and how that plays our within our world, how we must stop existing as the mind and see what we are doing to ourselves and each other here. i spoke also about the state of things here in california- about prisons having to relocate or release inmates early due to not having enough of a budget to keep prisons running effectively, as well as speaking on the point of police having to be cut back for the same reason, and bringing it all back to the point of what desteni stands for and what we are doing. but as i spoke i went into a point of projection, wherein i stopped speaking for/as self within self-support, and more became a point of 'preaching' and not bringing the points back to self. which again i now see that i would face an immediate consequence for.

ending the recording, i stood up and realized that i must live and integrate these words. and in that moment i experienced myself clear that these are the words that i stand by and will continue to walk until it is here in fact, and there was a moment of clarity within self- yet soon after i noticed myself going back into thoughts and distractions and not being aware of each and every breath.


“ending the recording, i stood up and realized that i must live and integrate these words. and in that moment i experienced myself clear that these are the words that i stand by and will continue to walk until it is here in fact, and there was a moment of clarity within self- yet soon after i noticed myself going back into thoughts and distractions and not being aware of each and every breath.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in the moment of realizing that I am walking and standing by what I spoke on within the vlog, go into a point of self-doubt and allow myself to become distracted within and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as I was speaking and recording, shift into a point of 'preaching' instead of speaking words for and as self within self-support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to shift the focus away from self out of not trusting self within walking and standing as my words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to live up to my words as a self-manipulation to remain within and as my self-definitions and self-limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a point of energy when speaking- projecting and 'speaking into words' instead of sticking to brutal self-honesty in the moment and keeping on point within self-support within the recording.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire that others hear my words and be 'moved' by them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project onto others what I see I must walk and apply for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in that moment of realizing that I must walk and live those words go into a point of fear and anxiety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not 'able' to stand absolute within and as those words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within that recording, speak into and as the mind instead of sticking to self-honest words for and as self-support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into self-judgment and self-doubt when noticing that I had slipped back into and as the mind as I was walking and within this going into a point of wanting to 'redeem' myself and wanting to live as those words – wanting to 'prove' that I can live those words.

So I see that the practical self-correction here is to be strict with self within all words that are written/spoken and to be aware of what I am accepting and allowing within my world by the words that I am placing/speaking.

I stop all idealism and 'preaching' and stick to common sense practicality. I stop all philosophizing and speaking from a point of separation from those who might listen to or read my words. I speak what I see and what I live. I stick to bringing it back to self as I share.

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what happened shortly after was an immediate and incredibly specific manifested consequence-

on the walk home i noticed 3 young men standing at the edge of a curb on the sidewalk, seeming to look at me and the look back between themselves as i approached. within me i there there was 'something up' with these guys from the way there were all looking at me and speaking amongst themselves from across the street.
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“on the walk home i noticed 3 young men standing at the edge of a curb on the sidewalk, seeming to look at me and the look back between themselves as i approached. within me i there there was 'something up' with these guys from the way there were all looking at me and speaking amongst themselves from across the street.”

Within me there was an 'instinctual' hunch within myself that these guys were likely to do something, judging by the way they were looking at me and gesturing between each other. It is fascinating seeing how much body language actually communicates. I 'knew' that they were set on me as a 'target' but it was not a 'knowing' from the perspective of the mind. It was more of a 'recognizing' the stance and general expression of the three young men.

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i continued on walking, dismissing my initial 'gut reaction'. one of them approached me and said "hey give me all your shit", to which I replied "what?"

in that moment i knew exactly what he was wanting from me, but asked "what?" in order to buy myself time as i looked around my environment. there was fear within me of not wanting to get hurt and not wanting for one of them to pull out a weapon and attack me, but as i stood there taking in my surroundings i was clear that i was not going to give in and participate in the fear. i was standing in an area that was not lit and it was quite dark, and up ahead of me a few feet away was a spot of light and a gentleman walking up the street approaching.

the young man responded "Give me all your shit. Give me your cell phone."

It was clear that he and the two young guys with him were ready to do something, but still i did not participate in giving in to panic even though there was fear within me. at that moment i checked again at the spot of light and the gentleman walking up, and decided that if they were going to attack me, i would make it to that spot of light and the other gentleman would witness the attack and perhaps help me or go and fetch help. i kept on walking and said "i don't think so."

"oh, you don't think so, huh?" replied the young man, reaching into his pocket. At that point i turned my head and kept walking towards the lighted spot and towards the other gentleman and did not look back.

in moments i had crossed into the lighted spot and the gentleman walked by me... and the young men from the curbside did not follow or engage me... but immediately in that moment i experienced a deep fear and self-judgment for not warning the other man and experiencing myself as using him as 'leverage' for my own escape without making sure that he was not going to be approached the same way. i kept walking and was afraid to stay any longer and wanted to put more distance between me and those young men.

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I see that in that moment of facing the young man I did trust myself within not giving in to the fear even though the fear was 'present' within and as me. I saw that the fear was not in any way necessary. That if something did happen, it would happen and there was no sense in me going into panic or giving in out of that fear. So within brutal self-honesty I see that it was a cool indicator of where I currently stand within that point- seeing that even though there was fear and thoughts, I did not allow self to be controlled in that specific moment and walked myself out both literally and figuratively.

Where I see I am not directing myself is the point of 'redemption' and 'self-doubt'. I did not give in to the energy until the thought of the man passing by next to me and walking into the area where the three young men were. The specific thought was NOT from a starting-point that was a noble 'I want to do the right thing' (even if it was, it is not real or of any actual value and is simply another form of mind-fuck), but rather the thought stemmed from 'what will people think of me if I allow this man to simply walk into those guys?'

So the thought was still obviously self-interest and ego – wanting to ensure that I am standing by the words that I spoke in the recording, fearing that I would not be able to live up to those words, and now having the point of fearing what others may think learning that I had allowed a man to walk into a group of muggers while 'using him as cover for my own escape'. This is quite fucked up mind-logic and justification, where the mind/ego is portraying itself to be 'caring about the fellow man' while actually looking out for self-interest. This is not acceptable. This is precisely the duplicitous and manipulative deception that is allowed within and as the mind of humanity and I do not stand for this.

I take responsibility for this point within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to help the man and make sure that he was not mugged by the three muggers that I had gotten away from from a starting point of fearing what others would say/think of me if I had 'disregarded' him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the man in fact by participating within and as my mind/ego in wanting to 'save/rescue' him from a starting point of self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play out the design of the 'redemption demon' wherein I want to redeem myself as a self-image so that I can justify remaining within and as a self-limitation and not actually change self and face self within brutal self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be a 'hero' and claim for myself a point of 'redemption' and 'validation' just as I had done earlier in the day with the boy who attempted to steal shoes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate in that moment- seeing that I was able to speak and say to the man not to continue that way and to avoid the muggers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in that moment of hesitation, go into self-judgment and wanting to redeem myself.


- FLAG – This is a patterned play-out that is very specific. I will look at this in greater detail and map this point out because I see that the triggers are the same from earlier in the day.







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having 'gotten away', i kept walking for another few blocks, and within me was brewing a storm of self-judgment over 'disregarding' the other man whom i feared was being accosted by the young men and i had simply 'abandoned' him to fend for himself while having used him for 'cover'. i became possessed by morality and judging myself as having failed to live the words that i had just spoke in the vlog i recorded, and wanted to 'do the right thing' and 'redeem myself', but was too afraid to head back. i kept walking until i got to a main street where there were lots of lights and people, feeling terrible about myself within self-judgment. i noticed a gentleman walking out of a convenience store and headed up the street where i was at... i asked if he was headed up the way and informed him of the three gentlemen there. i noticed also an older woman headed up the way and told the man to warn her about it. at this point i was in a state of energetic possession, wanting to 'save' that man that i had 'doomed' and 'disregarded'.

i called the police, gave my report to an operator, and waited for an officer to arrive to speak with me. after a few moments a police car drove by with sirens on, speeding through traffic and heading in the direction of where the three gentlemen were. i waited there for some time, not sure if i was to stay there, but i did not want to continue waiting and wanted to get back to getting home, so i walked up the street to where i saw 3 police cars as well as the 3 young gentlemen sitting on the curbside across the way. standing at the opposite side of the street i called out "officer, may i have a word with one of you?", not wanting to get onto the same side of the street where the three young gentlemen were. an officer came and spoke with me and i gave him my report and details, and told him that i did not want to press charges. The officer informed me that two of them were under 18 and one was a run-away. they were from a different area and should not be back in this neighborhood again.


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i continued back down the street. a car 'randomly' drove by and somebody flipped me the fucker and yelled 'fuck you!' as the car sped off. within me i saw that i was wanting to create more thoughts and participate within reacting to such a 'random' incident, but stopped myself.

at this point it was clear that this was a 'test'- and that i must not create any energy/mind around this, as i had spoken about in the recording i had made. for the most part i was stable within self, but then after a short while i had a lot of thoughts and pictures coming up as well as having energy over what had happened... i tried to focus on being here and breathing but it was not enough to dissipate the energy. i called Lindsay and spoke to her about what happened, and she assisted me within giving her perspective and sharing the support of not making this into an 'event' where i am holding on to it as a point of energy/gossip within myself- creating it to be something special or exciting. this was fantastic support as i saw in that moment that was indeed having points of forming ideas and creating an 'event' out of it all.

i spoke out loud and said self-forgiveness on the points as i walked home. i saw for myself that i must not create any ideas or participate within any thoughts about what happened - that i must let go of the event entirely. as i continued home i saw the temptation of gossiping about this to my roommates and stopped it. i got home, and one of my roommates asked about my night and i shared what had happened but did not go into energy or wanting to gossip- simply sharing what had transpired without attachment- but then a second roommate came and asked, and when i shared i participated within energy and going into a point of gossip about the cops arriving and getting the three young men- thus having allowed myself to fall on the point of not allowing self to gossip.

I called Lindsay and we spoke about what happened and she exposed the point that i was still holding on to the energy and wanting to create and participate within the stories of the event within self, and exposed the point of me wanting to be a 'hero' and 'save the day' as well as wanting to 'redeem' myself out of self-judgment and guilt. she assisted me within seeing that what had happened was indeed specific, but what happened has happened and i must let go of all energy and let go of wanting to hold on to this experience as an energy point to exist within. also, the point to consider that i have been participating in some fears related to money lately and that this was a way for me to see the consequences of accepting and allowing self to participate in fears of not having money, which is actually manifesting in this world the experience of needing money and being willing to 'do anything' to get some money.

i see also the point of speaking words and living them as well as stopping doubting myself and being consistent within bringing all points back to self instead of going into a mode of 'preaching' to 'others'. i also see the point of being fully aware of self at all times and to be direct and brutal within the application of stopping all thoughts and projections as well as wanting to 'make up for' or 'redeem myself' over points where i did not immediately act in a way that i would have preferred to act- such as springing into action to stop the boy from shoplifting earlier during work, or making sure that the man who was walking up the street when i was approached by the three young men did not get attacked or mugged.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to, within not immediately moving self when the boy was leaving the store with stolen shoes on, judge myself as 'unworthy'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire 'redeeming' myself instead of letting go of the mind completely and seeing that redemption is a polarity manifestation of abdication.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate self-will and self-movement within wanting to redeem myself to another.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire holding on to this point of 'almost getting robbed' within gossip within my secret mind.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to be a savior and champion

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regard this event as 'something special'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to 'redeem myself' from a starting-point of ego and not wanting to face my own self-judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the 'savior system' within wanting to 'do the right thing' based on knowledge and information as well as self-interest/ego.



Okay this document is a work in progress. I must leave for work now and I will continue going through the document and placing self-correction where I see is necessary. I shall continue on these points and expand also on the flagged point of the “redemption” system.