Realizing that "Anger" is not "Power"

Joe Kou
3/28/2012

Lately I have been experiencing 'anger' within me as energetic possessions where I become literally 'possessed' and am not in fact here, but rather 'lost' within the experience of anger, which is not acceptable because anger itself as an experience is NOT REAL and is a very clear indication of where I am not standing and supporting myself effectively, which compounds into thoughts and backchat which continue to build until finally the energetic possession of 'anger' is able to 'take over' in a moment when I allow myself to be triggered by a certain word, or person, or event in my world which I have symbolized and associated my inner experience of anger to.

So firstly I will write myself to clarity on the point of what it is to experience anger and who I am within the creation of and experience of anger -

Within my life there have been many instances wherein I saw that what is happening or what I was allowing myself to participate in was not acceptable, but instead of standing in that moment or allowing myself to direct the point, I instead remained silent and allowed myself to be a 'victim' within fear of facing that which I was experiencing as 'not acceptable'.

Within this point of 'victimization' where instead of directing a point in my practical/physical world I instead turn within myself and internalize the 'experience' of the event, what happens is I begin to generate thoughts of “How I should have acted” and would actually replay events and re-create the scenario in my mind wherein I act out my reactions and 'lash out' at the persons or the event in question but only within my mind, where apparently I am 'safe' and can do whatever I wish to do without having to face the consequences.

Though the more I allowed this point of not directly facing and directing my life and instead internalizing the point, the less able I found myself 'able' to actually direct my life and the more 'easy' I found it to simply internalize and 'bottle it up' within me, and then find ways to distract myself or justify my inaction because 'at least I KNOW better' and will actually develop a form of ego/superiority within being able to 'sort things out in my mind' (which is absolutely not true - for perspective on this point check out the interview "I believed I was Superior to my Mind") – believing that I was taking a 'moral high ground' and 'not being rash/rude' to others by 'imposing myself' – which was my own spiteful way of not seeing that I had allowed myself to experience other as being 'imposing' and then blaming others for that experience instead of realizing that I am the one who is allowing the experience of feeling 'imposed on'.

Through the years I developed this point of 'keeping it inside' and participating in extensive backchat as my primary way of 'dealing with' the experiences I would have within my life wherever there was conflict or friction or where I saw I was participating in something that was not cool – there would always be that 'space' in my mind where I would find a 'reason' why it was okay for me to continue and not actually face the point directly – believing that I was in fact being 'superior' instead of seeing that the very starting point of going into my mind as backchat instead of facing my practical world was based in fear, which would imply that I was actually living a statement of being inferior (in-fear-ior), and within the extent to which I had defined myself as being 'righteous' by becoming spiteful within my mind, I manipulated and deceived myself into believing that I was being the 'stronger person' by swallowing up my reactions, bottling them up within me, and defining myself within the amount of suppression/self abuse I was able to 'handle' – thus creating the personality of the 'tragic hero' which became a major part of my personality where I actually will seek out and constantly create abusive situations so that I am able to maintain my 'righteousness' – instead of realizing that I was living in fear and had abdicated from an early age the opportunity for me to stand up and develop my point of self-trust and not allowing abuse within myself or my world. (This point of "anger" and fear is covered in detail in the interview "My Life of Anger")

Within this experience would always be the awareness that I do not have to keep living this way and that I can in fact make a different choice and walk a different path, but in those moments I would always 'trust' the experience within me of just holding it all in and allowing myself to participate in self abuse, believing that it was making me 'stronger' when in fact was only feeding the point of fearing to stand up for myself and direct my world.

As I grew up, that which I had 'bottled up' within me never actually left or dissipated – all of the nasty backchat and judgments and spitefulness that I had generated within my mind had only been suppressed and in each instance where I was faced with conflict or anger within my world, it would all come rushing back to the surface, and I would experience a kind of 'power' within me that I would then use as a 'shield'.

A specific example of what happens is when I am faced with a particular being and there is a conflict situation and I allow myself to be triggered emotionally within a reaction – in that moment if I do not stop myself, all of the suppressed anger/energy would begin to rise within me and very quickly I would feel a sense of 'power' within that energy – believing that energy of anger to be real – believing that this energy is in fact who I am and that I was powerful – but what I had not realized was that this 'energy' is NOT power – and is NOT strength – it is actually fear.

When I really break the point down to see it in it's detail in self-honesty the actual words – the actual backchat that goes on within me when I go into that point of anger/lockdown, is that of fear – where I will say within my mind the following types of statements -

“How dare you make me feel this way?”

“Can't you see what you're doing?”

“Why are you so ignorant/stupid?”

“If you only knew how angry I am and how powerful I am in my anger right now you would fear me”

“I want you to fear me and obey me but I will not tell you – because that would reveal that I am not in fact powerful and I do not want you to know that I want you to fear me”.

Statements such as these are the foundation statements upon which my fear becomes warped and projected upon others, and within the righteousness of the ego becomes actual hatred/anger directed outwards when it is actually self anger/hatred for having abdicated myself in a moment where I saw I was not standing up for myself, but allowed myself to play the role of 'victim' and instead of stopping and making another decision, to instead trust the energy/experience of power/anger within me, not seeing it for the fear that it is.

So within this understanding that this experience of anger is NEVER in fact power, but is in fact fear which becomes self judgment/hatred for having accepted and allowed the fear and then becoming dependent on the energy/experience behind the fear, I re-look at my recent experiences of anger and correct myself so that I stop creating/recreating situations in my life where I am giving in to the personality of the 'tragic hero' that has become addicted to the energy of fear and self abuse, so that I can instead direct myself and support myself to stop the abuse with me and within the world that I am creating.

My recent experiences of anger possession have been centered primarily around my mother and especially in the situation of when I am at home.

Throughout my childhood I had extensively utilized the 'tragic hero' point whenever my mother would become angry and scold me or when I felt I was being persecuted/abused by her physically, verbally, or emotionally, and would become very still within myself and as the feelings of being abused and fear would come up within me, I would attempt to compensate by participating in backchat and 'yelling back' at my mother within my mind, but would be too afraid to actually speak or stand up for myself because I was too afraid of further punishment/abuse as a result, and had accepted myself as being inferior/powerless and only felt 'equal' or 'powerful' when I escaped into my mind where I was able to 'fight back' but only in secret, internally.

So, a point that had begun in my childhood 'remained' as a part of me, as what I had become later in my adult life and mutated/evolved alongside my 'personality' – and it is fascinating now that I am sharing a house with my mother again to once again be faced with the point of becoming instantly angry and irritated and wanting to scream – wherein the simplest of things seems to 'trigger me' and 'set me off', which implies that there is a 'me' somewhere in myself that is not in fact alive or self directed, but based on reaction – and as long as I do not take responsibility for this point, I will remain a 'slave' to this reaction - and as with anything that seems to 'blow up out of nowhere' this is a point that has been accumulating within me for quite some time – which I do not accept any longer.

Thus I take this opportunity to correct this system within me as well as adjusting who I am within my 'relationship' with my mother because I see that this unresolved point where I am holding a 'grudge' against her and against myself due to points in my childhood has actually effected all of my relationships in my life where similar patterns of 'shutting down' and not being able to effectively communicate and share myself and always remaining 'defensive' and holding a 'personality of strength' instead of allowing myself to be vulnerable has lead to me not developing and experiencing effective relationships/partnerships – which is a cool point to see because for a long time I simply accepted the idea that I am just not 'supposed' to have effective/supportive relationships and must 'settle' for compromise and repeating the old patterns of self-abuse, but now I see how this system 'works' and how I am able to stop it. (A great interview about how holding a grudge against someone actually diminishes one's own living - "How I Ruined my Life with a Memory")

_________________________________________________________________________

First, SF on the experience of “Believing in Anger as Strength”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the experience of anger that rises up within me and seems to fill me with 'strength' is actually real and that I am made 'powerful' within that experience instead of realizing that this experience of 'anger' that rises within me as an energy is a compounded reaction of fear which I have suppressed within my life and is an attempt to 'inflate' myself into an experience of 'power/superiority' as a defense mechanism.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the energetic experience of anger and the backchat that arises within me is real and that it is giving me power when in fact I am draining myself and abdicating the real point of 'strength' which is HERE in the physical as stability and self-trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that by feeding/allowing this point of anger within me I am making myself stronger when in fact I am only feeding the addiction to and as the energy of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am more 'powerful' when I am in that state of anger where I experience myself as 'holding back an explosion' wherein I create and feed the idea that I am powerful because I am able to just 'let myself go' and unleash the 'anger' within me upon the other person which is in fact the very definition of demonic possession where I would be living the statement that I am less than my emotions/reactions and that I am apparently unable to take responsibility for my own experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that experience of 'anger' within me as 'power' which I secretly use in my mind as a 'threat' against others – secretly wanting them to see and fear the anger within me when in fact I am the one who is actually afraid and not standing up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am 'staying strong' by continuously allowing myself to feed this point of anger within me instead of realizing that the anger is indicating to me a point of compounded fear which I have not actually directed effectively, which I am still in separation from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in anger as an energetic addiction in which for a moment I experience myself as powerful and in control instead of realizing that the opposite is true and that when I am allowing myself to be stimulated by and driven by anger, I am not in control and can easily become a danger to myself and others and this is NOT acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am able to 'control' my 'anger' within ego and superiority when I can see that in such moments of anger as possession I am not in fact in 'control' and that if I allow such states of anger to exist within me and compound, I am still responsible for what I may do within that state of possession.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate power and superiority within the experience of anger.

Thus I do not accept or allow myself to 'go so far' as to allow the point of anger to direct me and to accumulate into a point of possession.

I see and realize that I am at all times responsible for my participation and that which I accept/allow I am responsible for.

When I see/notice myself locking down and going into a state of 'power' as anger I will immediately stop, check myself, and firstly ensure that I am not making any decisions or committing any actions with anger as my starting point.

When I see/notice myself in a state of tightness and constriction physically and experience myself within that state of anger/fear I will support myself to walk away from that experience/environment if I must so that I am not allowing myself to be directed by and as that experience of anger and will return to the matter when I am satisfied that I am present and can take into consideration what is best for all within that situation.

I see and realize that this anger is not power, is not strength, but is instead fear – and that fear is not real and is only an indication of that which I am not allowing myself to face/embrace/stand equal to – so instead of remaining limited within fear I will rather push myself to realize that the fear is not valid and that I am able to become the solution to that which I fear by forgiving my judgments and beliefs and doing that which I see I require to do.

What is 'behind' the fear -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing up for myself within speaking directly as my actual experience of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking directly as my actual self due to believing that it is not acceptable to share myself in that way because I may be judged or may be abused when I allow myself to be vulnerable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that vulnerability means 'guilt' and that instead of allowing myself to be vulnerable I must be able to 'defend' myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I allow myself to open up and share myself I will be rejected and will not be heard and will be isolated or abused, instead of realizing the extent to which I have already abused myself by isolating myself and creating excuses and justifications and personalities all in the name of 'defending myself' from my own fears and my own judgments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ending the addiction to and as anger and fear because I have defined myself within anger and fear as ways to cope with and suppress that which I did not understand as a child and did not want to face or take responsibility for as I grew up within my personalities and self definitions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept self-abuse as my actual truth and nature of self and within this to accept self abuse within others as well as create situations in which I place myself in the position of abused/abuser by not taking self responsibility to stand up within myself and end the addiction to abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility for myself based on memories of and as my 'past' in which I did not stand and allowed self to compromise, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly fear that I will continue to compromise and become angry at myself for continuing to compromise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my failures personally and to lose self respect within the points in my life where I did not stand up and allowed self abuse as well as allowed myself to abuse others and within this to fear standing up and allowing myself to take on the responsibility of changing me.

When I see and notice myself 'stuck' in such moments where I am reacting within instant anger/fear/backchat in regards to a person or situation within my life I will stop the reaction and energy within myself because I realize that the experience is not real and will only compound the issue more if I allow myself to be directed by the anger.

To support myself in making clear decisions and not allowing self to repeat the same old patterns and habits and thus recreate the same time-loops and have to face self diminishment and compromise I will instead apply myself within writing out the point, bringing myself to a point of stability and clarity where I am not in a reaction or in a 'survival mode' of fear or trying to avoid responsibility, and within writing the point out I support myself and will myself to live the correction in my practical world immediately so that no backchat or self-doubt is able to restart and accumulate again.

I have all of the tools I require as well as the support – I am here and within the limited time I have on this earth I will myself to stop all points of limitation and fear and dishonesty so that it stops within and as me, and as such stops within and as the world that I create – so that this reality becomes a place worthy of life in all ways.

Practical correction in my world -

When I see/notice myself clenching up or going into backchat/reaction when interacting with my mother I will stop and if I am not able to in that moment clear myself I will end the conversation and return to the point when I am clear instead of allowing myself to speak or react from and as the backchat/spitefulness within me as the experience of 'anger'.

When I see/notice friction/conflict within my interaction/relationship with my mother I will investigate myself first and realize that anything that I am blaming her for or reacting to is in fact myself, and as such, to hold a grudge against her is me remaining separate from myself and blaming another for my own separation.

Within all reactions wherein I am wanting to blame or project my anger I will instead bring the point back to self and correct myself by identifying the trigger(s) and stopping that which does not support me in being effective within my world which includes reactions of anger and projections of blame.

Within this I see it is also to not simply allow abuse within me and when I see/notice that there is a situation that requires to be directed I will not allow myself to accept self-abuse and will do what is necessary to ensure that the abuse stops even if it means letting go of or walking away from beings in my world who are still participating/accepting abuse if necessary so that they can face themselves.

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Change CAN happen in One Breath

Here I am writing out the points that I am facing now in my world – having manifested consequences unfortunate consequences for myself which I now walk through, and looking at how I got to this point.

I am going to be moving – the agreement has ended and there will not be any further consideration of working things out between myself and the other to continue walking together. What has been revealed is the extent of my ego and self-interest – which has undermined by ability to be trusted – and thus I cannot walk equal with her in this moment as what i've accumulated so far.

Within this I see that because I did not push myself and correct myself when I saw the points where I required self-movement, I have been walking a very big time loop – and within this loop I have fallen – and now must face the manifested consequences of deliberate self-dishonesty and manipulation – which has resulted in the abuse of others and the abuse of trust given to me.

It is not acceptable that I stand with desteni when my own point of absolute dedication to self-honesty and accountability is in question – thus I now face who I am within no longer having support from this partner and being accountable for what I owe in terms of all that she has provided for me financially. I have, within ego and self-interest, abused the support and have taken advantage of her within not actually appreciating the opportunity that I had being here, with everything that I needed and with lindsay's unwavering support and dedication to self-honesty. Due to me not being willing to actually face the point of self-responsibility and pushing myself to support myself and apply self-corrective application, I allowed myself to become dependent and within this I allowed myself to rely on lindsay instead of walking equal within a process of two beings supporting each other equally within dedication.

This is the result of back-chat that was not directed and immediately corrected – back-chat that had been present within me before the agreement began – the back-chat of fearing to stand alone and support myself and actually be an example of process and self-change within self-honesty. I was too afraid to let go of my personality and ego – believing that I required my ability to manipulate connive in order to survive and not actually stand up.

I humble myself in this moment – and I allow myself to grieve for the lost potential of what could have been within walking equal with a partner – that path cannot be walked now due to accumulated manifest consequences that I must take responsibility for. She cannot walk with me – as the 'me' that I currently am, which cannot be trusted. I have gratitude for her example – and what she stands for. I am grateful for the acceleration of my process within so many points that have been revealed within the time that I have walked with her.

So I am facing a point of crumbling – and walking into uncertainty and also now having to 'restart' my process of establishing self as the authority and self-directive principle within self-honesty within what is best for all. Having not lived my self-forgiveness I now face the requirement of proving myself through actual applied living – standing in the thick of the storm AS my self-change and prove for myself that I am able to stand no matter what and that I am able to be accountable.

I am facing now the point of having to move out – I am unclear how this will unfold at the moment. I face the possibility of not being able to get another place right away, and possibly not being able to support myself financially– which is exactly the very rooted back-chat that has been my evil twin through this process – compromising myself constantly to this point of fearing to actually stand alone without support. So here it is.

I take this moment to reflect on my process – have I actually changed? My awareness has increased – but within this so has my self-manipulation – suppressing the points that I am revealing to myself within self-investigation instead of taking responsibility and stopping my fears and anxieties. I have applied self-forgiveness as a means to 'cope' – to in a moment release myself, but have not been consistent with following through and living as the self-forgiveness as Living Words that stand the test of time – as I find myself facing the same points over and over.

Have I actually changed? Some – and within this 'some' I may as well say I have changed none at all. It is NOT desteni or this process that is to blame for what I experience – blame is not to be found anywhere – not even with myself – blame is the accusation of a point within separation from all there is . Rather than blame, I accept and embrace my responsibility. Within participating with desteni I have been given a gift more precious than anything in existence – the ability and support to stand up for life – to have the awareness of self to be able to see my own enslavement and to be given the tools to my own salvation. This is a once in an existence opportunity.

I can say that what has changed is my awareness of what is going on and how I am manifesting my life – and how important it is to actually have the courage to LIVE self-change within self-honesty and standing up as life – not allowing limitation or ego, and within all things to do what is best for all.

I reflect on bernard's feedback to a letter I wrote – where he said:

“Accountability Is the process of self correction where you forgive yourself
and you stop with the dishonesties. Thus you breathe effectively and focus
on the things that make you in this world a better being while you take on
the system to make it what is best for all. In this, you have only one
opportunity of exposure, where you stand and take responsibility. If you
fall, you have no longer that approach to use --and one must then walk
silently and focussed to show accountability through actual change.
You must decide how to approach., because forgiveness one can never get.
Self forgiveness is but the starting point from which one recreate yourself
into self awareness and responsibility as life.”

Accountability is the process of self-correction indeed – to actually forgive myself and realize that I do NOT have to keep living this pattern. That I do NOT have to exist this way, to experience myself this way, and to DARE myself to prove it. Within this it is to live within and as the courage to stand as self-honesty no matter what – to always find a way to stand within what is best for all. To focus on each breath that I take and ensure that I am expanding where I am effective – to push myself within the points that make me a better being in this world – a being that can be trusted with life – a being that is self-willed as I take on the greater system and stand with those who do the same.

So, it is time for me to 'man up' – to take responsibility for myself – for the life I am living – for what I am accepting and allowing within myself as thoughts, feelings, and emotions which are of self-interest and abuse – to STOP.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself due to having made similar commitments and statements before and not having lived them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist letting go of my back-chat as that which I have defined myself by.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that change cannot happen instantly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that stopping is a 'process' and within this to allow myself to 'take my time' within changing and asserting self as the authority of all that I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot redeem myself and live my self forgiveness for myself and move as my expression of that self-forgiveness unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek redemption and forgiveness from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within fear and self-denial of the power of self to change and to commit to changing – within standing back up after each and every fall no matter what until I stop falling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'slowing down' means to physically slow down to a point of not even directing what is necessary to be directed – and within this I allow myself to see that 'slowing down' actually allows me to assess the point in greater detail in a much faster way and that I am able to move myself quite quickly and effectively within this point of directiveness. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on that which diminishes me - as the fears and excuses of my ego/mind/personality/self-interest instead of focusing on that which allows me to expand and accumulate that which is best for all as my living expression. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from and as my self-expression within self-judgment and self-limitation.

I STOP. I push myself and move myself as self-expression and self-joy within the expression of self-honesty as who I am and I will not allow myself to compromise my self-honesty.

I move myself to speak, write, and express simply what is here and what I stand for and I STOP stifling myself within self-purpetuated fear.

When I see or notice myself in a point of fear or holding myself back, I STOP and I assess the situation within what is best for all, and then I live as courage, as self-movement, as self-trust, to express myself without holding back or manipulating or compromising.

Can I change in one moment? Can I stand up and not fall again? Absolutely. Within having the realization and making the firm commitment, and then physically living that commitment as self-expression unconditionally, I will myself to change in one moment and forever let go of the past within applied self-forgiveness

 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by my past and by my failures instead of pushing myself to stop and find a way to assert myself as LIFE as self-honesty within what is best for all. 

I align myself to what is best for all. I stand within the principle of doing what is best for all in the best way that I can in each moment as I push myself and expand myself and express myself within self-honesty and take responsibility. Within self-honesty and embracing responsibility I give myself the authority and power to stop my limitations and fears and anxieties and resistances and I WILL myself to stand here as self-will.

I hold myself accountable and I take responsibility within changing myself and adjusting myself and aligning myself to stand no matter what. I will assist myself with the tools of writing, applying self-forgiveness, speaking points out loud within sound in the physical, moving myself and pushing myself – ensuring that I am respecting myself as life and not compromising myself by allowing the mind to make decisions for me as life.

I commit to walking this process no matter what – and I stand by these words. The commitment I make to myself as life is to continue my process and to never give up on myself – and to never accept 'failure' and 'falling' as myself – but to see them as opportunities to gauge my strengths and see where I require to push myself further.

Instead of being in fear of a point I will support myself within writing and speaking the point out and seeing what is the best for all solution within it, and stand by that, and push myself to live that.

I have this one life – I shall not waste it. I shall leave this earth a better place than it is now, that any who come will not have to face this atrocity. I insist that this madness end within my lifetime – I will do whatever it takes to see to this, starting with sorting myself out and building my foundation. I do not allow this 'fall' to define me.

I am grateful for the tools of the Desteni I Process – even in my seemingly darkest hours, I am never 'alone' – I am never left without a solution or a light at the end of the tunnel. I am never without the ability to forgive myself and support myself to stop my mind and actually become a stronger individual. I am never without the ability to change myself and take responsibility within my world – and that is the most precious and valuable thing in this world that I have ever known – the ability to realize ourselves and set ourselves free.

I thank those who walk – those who stand – those who have made the commitment to never give up on themselves and to insist that change is possible – and to live as the example of that. I thank those who continue to walk this process through hell and back as we face the deepest corners of ourselves and take responsibility for what we have accepted and allowed within ourselves. Such people are my greatest inspiration – and I will myself to stand with them no matter what. I take a breath, I forgive myself, I walk until this is done.

Hey - anybody looking for a room-mate?

I Give Up on Giving Up!

"Never never never give up" - Winston Churchill

 

At the moment I am experiencing a lot of mind-demon possession – where the points of back-chat that I have participated in for many years are now becoming prominent and manifest – and I am finding myself becoming all of the things that I have feared – becoming all of the things that I did not want to face and had suppressed within myself.

I have designed myself to be a very manipulative and deceptive person – and have honed my ability to abuse knowledge and information in order to influence others as well as to convince others into accepting me or giving me what I want. And while I have seen this point as well as identified aspects of it within my participation in this process and saw how I was still manipulating myself and deceiving myself as well as others, I did not actually apply myself in stopping, which has resulted in abuse and deliberate manipulation, which is unacceptable.

So it is obvious that I must make a decision and fucking stick to it – because I have made similar decisions – I have made similar commitments in the past – only to have fallen back on the point of undermining my self-will and allowing my back-chat to determine who I am and how I remain instead of actually directing myself within self-honesty and living the self-forgiveness.

It is not acceptable to have the tools to support myself and STOP the points that come up time and time again and not actually apply myself – to actually allow myself to remain limited when in fact I am aware of what I am doing, aware that I am allowing myself to diminish myself as life – deliberately harming myself and others by not taking responsibility and standing within self-honesty in each moment due to allowing my own fears to dominate me, allowing my own self-interest and immaturity to override directive principle.

In the end it all comes down to FEAR – because it is only within fear that back-doors exist. It is only within fear that I allow myself to remain limited and actually stand up and take responsibility – and this fear is the fear of losing my 'self' as what I have defined myself to be within and as my mental experience – my memories and self-definitions based on accumulated knowledge and information which is not and never will be REAL and will never actually be of substance of it's own.

The self that I have designed myself to be thus far is not acceptable and will only abuse life if allowed to continue – thus I must stop fucking around in this process and actually take responsibility for the harm that is done through me accepting abuse within myself and thus participating within abusing others in my dishonesty.

Within this the task is to completely redesign myself – completely change every aspect of myself so that all that I do accumulates to what is best for all – that all that I do comes from a starting point of self-honesty in consideration of oneness and equality – as any decision based on self-interest, based on my own private back-chat, is unacceptable.

It is unfortunate that I have diminished myself and compromised myself extensively– but within this I must humble myself and realize that there is no escaping what one deliberately participates in – this is not just about me and my existence within my own bubble – this is about LIFE and there is no room for fucking around. Thus I accept and embrace my responsibility and commit to never giving up, never allowing myself to succumb to the mind within walking away from this process. I commit to not allowing myself to stew within points for weeks, months, years without effectively directing myself – as that is simply not acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously not direct myself when I see points that are not acceptable within my participation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not actually apply myself within this process within full dedication

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not actually live my self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself within standing as the directive principle of my being, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite those who are walking this process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take for granted all who walk this process diligently and consistently without considering the fact that when I am not equally participating and applying myself I am in fact becoming a liability and misrepresentation to what desteni actually stands for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard my responsibility to change myself and stop my mind within self-interest and ego

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am my ego and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my self-definitions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within trying to assist others within separation and using knowledge and information instead of actually applying myself consistently and standing as my own point of authority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume a point of clarity/understanding of what it is to walk this process when in fact I have not personally fully dedicated myself to walking this process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compound points of self-dishonesty and self-abuse due to fear and resistance of actually facing who I am and what I have accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write self-forgiveness that was not actual forgiveness of self as self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand within humbleness and instead to project myself within ego and wanting validation as energy to satisfy a personality that was not self-content.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the simplicity of breathing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist walking my process starting over and letting go of all that I think I have accomplished within the realization that my standing has not been self-honest and thus cannot be trusted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist 'starting over', and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate a point of ego and self-definition of 'I should be further along than this'. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself within hiding behind knowledge and information as well as ego and self-interest in spite of understanding my responsibility.

What I see I require to accumulate is the point of self-direction and no longer allowing myself to participate in the mind in relation to thoughts of self-judgment and wanting to give up, and remaining self-honest and humble so that I do not abuse or manipulate in order to be something that I am not.

I take responsibility for the self that I have designed thus far and within this I commit myself to walking my process in humility – so that I am able to sort myself out and make certain that my accumulation is what is best for all by walking one step and one breath at a time to stabilize myself and re-establish self-trust.

I walk. I WILL myself to never ever give up or allow myself to remain within my points of self-sabotage and doubt. I will never give up on myself no matter what. I am not my mind. I am not my fears. I am not limitation. I WILL myself to birth myself HERE within and as the physical and I will keep standing back up if I fall until this is done.

I WILL myself to accumulate what is best for all in each decision that I make and re-align myself when/if i deviate into self-interest/fear.

I WILL myself to change FOREVER.

Letting Go of Relationships and Forgiving the Past

Getting behind the wheel and facing demonic possession

Within this point of 'procrastination' that i am currently walking through, i have been applying myself within getting things done and not allowing myself to participate in justifications and excuses in order to not do something when in actual practical reality it is something that i can get done.

today, the point of me driving a car opened up - driving is a point where i require to assist myself and get effective at and is a point that i have allowed to compound for many years, and is a point upon which many other layers are attached - thus it is not just me learning how to drive effectively in a car - but me letting go of and reprogramming self within no longer having the definition of 'i don't drive' which i have been using for several years as a justification/excuse to not actually face myself within other points such as getting a more effective job, going to school, being more 'social', taking care of errands and chores effectively - all were 'put off' within the procrastination point and driving was the main 'default' excuse for me not getting those points done.

so today when i saw there was a possibility of driving a car for a bit in order to get myself back behind the wheel and get over my resistances, fears, and anxieties around driving - i initially did not want to do it and reasoned that i am not at a point yet where i feel comfortable driving - yet within this i realized the total and utter nonsense logic behind not wanting to do something in order to build experience and effectiveness because i'm not already effective lol. and also within the point of pushing through procrastination, i eventually got myself around to taking up the task.

it was arranged that i would drive the car for a little bit to get to the local laundromat from the house - and as i drove i realized that i was not fully HERE, in awareness of what was going on. i was not in actual and full control of the vehicle because i was not in actual and full control of self in that moment as i experienced myself 'sinking' within thoughts of having an accident, and a general and sudden fear of not knowing what i'm doing.

what i see is that over years of creating the idea of me and living as the idea of me not driving, i have created an entity/demon manifestation that currently has directive control of self - where i experience myself in a kind of 'unawareness', where i am observing but not actually here the participation - it is as though all of the nervousness, anxiety, fear, and tension comes up all at once and i am suddenly 'numb' from the perspective of not actually being self-aware of what my physical body is doing, not taking into consideration what is going on around me and the car, and rather existing in a state of fear/anxiety/nervousness where i am not assessing the situation from a point of clarity/stability.

after the experience i went into a moment of self-defeat and self-judgment wherein i judged myself for not being an effective driver and believing that there is something wrong with me - that i am a failure and a disappointment - within this making the point of driving larger than what it is in actual practical reality. i see that i did not want to again face that point of panic nervousness, anxiety, and demonic possession again - i did not want to experience that fear of being behind the wheel and not actually fully being here, believing that this is just the way it is and that i will not be able to get past this. so for a moment i existed within self-defeat and self-judgment, but saw that i require to continue moving myself and pushing myself within this correction - and to realize that there is nothing 'bad' or 'wrong' in how i handled myself in that particular situation of driving - that what is necessary is for me to adjust and integrate the necessary changes, and that i must do this physically, and to NEVER take it personally or judge myself - simply see the point where i was not effective, flag the point and make corrections, move on - and repeat this until it sticks.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not going to be able to drive effectively due to how much i have compounded fears, resistances, and anxiety around the point of driving

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i should be able to drive without any problems even though i have not had much experience with driving, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create tension, stress, and pressure within the accepted belief that there is something 'wrong' with me if i am not already driving effectively.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within experiencing panic, fear, nervousness, and anxiety within myself as i was driving, and making mistakes as well as going into a point of not being aware of which direction i required to go.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as 'stupid' for apparently not knowing how to get to the laundromat while driving when i have ridden my bicycle there several times and 'should know already' where the laundromat is

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being humble with the current stage i am at with driving and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and and allowed myself to judge myself as 'unworthy' and 'incompetent' because of not already having effective driving skills, and thus fearing/resisting others seeing me in this point of 'struggling' with driving.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within the thought/idea/belief of 'i am not a good driver and should not drive' as a justification/excuse to not apply myself and move myself effectively within the matrix

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility and trusting myself and accepting self within self-worth and self-value, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to intentionally avoid and resist driving and getting a car in order to not actually have to face the point of taking responsibility for myself

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am not going to be 'good enough', 'smart' enough, 'effective' enough, and fear that i am not able to trust myself or 'handle' things on my own if i take on the point of expanding myself within school, work, and generally becoming more established within the matrix, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to design myself as a being who does not drive and cannot drive effectively and thus should not be expected to take on these other practical points.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse and justification of me not driving, not being a good enough driver to be road worthy, not having enough money or knowledge to properly maintain and care for a car - in order to not have to face other points within myself that have also been compounding.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear rejection and fear making mistakes, and to have such a low sense of self-worth/self-value that i would sabotage and compromise myself and remain limited and fearful and to use the point of not driving as a justification to not have to face those points.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to associate driving with extra responsibility- and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the thought/belief of 'if i get a car and learn to drive effectively, then i would not have any more excuses for not taking on more points and i would then just be 'lazy'.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear/resist getting a car and applying myself to learn to drive it effectively because of not wanting to 'appear' or 'seem' lazy to others.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself and others within the point of me not driving as a 'valid' excuse for me to not participate in being accountable and responsible for more and remaining within my fear and limitation and resistance to being seen as 'weak' to others, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create a point of projected strength within not having a car and 'doing things the hard way'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to portray myself as a 'victim' within this point of not driving and not having a car so that others who do have cars can be manipulated to support me, so that i do not actually have to admit that i am afraid of taking responsibility and afraid of making mistakes.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate self from unconditional self-acceptance and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to depend upon the acceptance and validation from others.

I stop.

I will not accept or allow myself to believe that i am not able/capable of driving, within using this point of not driving to not face other points.

When i see/notice myself going into the point of not wanting to drive/fearing to learn how to drive/resisting learning to drive effectively/fearing to drive a car, i will STOP, and realize that it is not actually about driving the car - it is about me not wanting to take responsibility and wanting to continue to depend on others because i have not established self-trust.

Till here, no further - I will not accept or allow self to define self as a person who 'doesn't drive' in order to not have to move myself within this reality to expand self and take responsibility.

No matter what

Only the mind requires a reason or excuse to enjoy self. Only the mind requires a reason or excuse to do ANYTHING at all.

walking this process is walking within total dedication and discipline in each moment and there can be no room for fickleness. No more fucking around can be tolerated. I have an opportunity that billions do not currently have and it is not acceptable to squander what is my responsibility and duty in this life - to stand for all who cannot and ensure that all abuse and separation end, and that all life that is to exist here may exist within equality and honor.

In the last few days I have existed within a 'funk' of not directing or supporting myself through resistances, and allowing self to exist within limitation and justification in order to not push through and face myself. I was fighting within and as ego/mind/self-interest/abuse of life trying to hold on to self-limitation as well as projecting frustration and resentment onto Lindsay. This is NOT acceptable.

What i have seen from my experience of going into defensiveness and hiding and resisting the practical support that Linday had been giving me, as well as my experience of seeing the manifested consequence of speaking words that i do not live (recording a vlog about stopping the mind and abusing energy and going into a point of preaching instead of sharing self- and then experiencing a near 'mugging' on the walk home).

So no more fucking around. No more excuses. I stand. I walk. My dedication is absolute and I do not give up, no matter what. Within this, I am able to enjoy self as LIFE.

I see that i had believed that one required a 'reason' or 'purpose' to enjoy self - and this is NOT true. self-enjoyment is not about 'being happy' or 'doing something exciting/fun'. Self-enjoyment is seeing and living self as LIFE as one as equal and recognizing that ALL life is precious and worthy of expression, and worthy of existing here WITHOUT enslavement and limitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'wait' for 'help' and 'assistance' before doing what i self-honestly see i am able to do for myself to support myself and take responsibility for what is going on in this world.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create excuses and justifications as to 'why' i am not 'able' to take responsibility for myself within all that i am accepting and allowing within self and within existence.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to spite existence within wanting to remain in my own 'comfort zone'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to stand separate from the words that i speak and write instead of LIVING the words as self and sharing as SELF

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be a 'fucker' to myself, within abusing self as life by participating in the mind as ego and self-interest

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not stop and delete the thoughts of 'this is too much', 'i cannot handle all of these points', 'i am a fuck-up'.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am a 'fuck-up' and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed within my existence the manifestation of 'fuck-ups'.

this is NOT a process to be taken 'at my own pace'. i have only ONE life and i must apply myself fully within stopping the abuse of and as the mind and seeing to the establishment of a global equality system.

I have the tools and the support of self-forgiveness, self-corrective application, the forum, fellow destonians, the physical, and all that stand for oneness and equality in existence.
I have the ability and means.
I AM the self-will and self-direction
I walk. I do not give up, no matter what.

My role and responsibility in the great energy ponzi scheme

My role within the problem of existence and the consequences of energy addiction.

Initially we existed in terms of physical energy- physical beings that emerged from the planet of our origin. We existed as physical energy that would return to it's source- return to the planet and reintegrate fully back to the planet of our origin. Physical reality and time did not exist as it does today.

Yet within the individualization of ourselves as emerged beings from these planets we formed perspectives and opinions within our expression and began to hold these points of view as having value, and thus began to compare and fight for the validity of our points of view between ourselves. Here, we created the entity that we know now as the mind- a projection of our points of view- a projection of our opinions and beliefs- forming a separate energy based on the actual physical energy and substance- but never returning back to the source. This separate energy exists from the friction and 'fusion' resulting in holding 'individual' points of view, individual opinions and beliefs, individual 'minds' which clash and result in forming an energetic entity- which we now know as 'personality'.

This separate and individual energy resulting from individualized expressions holding on to and assigning value to their own perspectives is not the original source energy from which we emerged from our planets of origin. This separate energy is a manifestation of the mind and cannot exist without friction and cannot exist without the actual physical substance from which this separate and individual energy is derived.

This was the case before the plan set forth by Anu and his coterie of would be gods. Thus it is irrelevant to place blame upon Anu for what he implemented, as Anu was simply using what was already here in terms of our own self willed enslavement to our own minds- to our staunch self definitions as individual beings not willing to release and let go of the energy addiction that has consumed the physical reality for billions of years.

HOW is the question I am standing here with at this moment. HOW did I allow myself to participate in this for so very long, to such an extent that I have completely lost all of who and what I am in exchange for a momentary experience within a separate energy existing within my own mind, destined to diminish and remain nothing more than the echo of a thought that once possessed substance? HOW did I come to be here, in the way I am at this moment, having existed as nothing more than pictures and symbols created from energy which must be siphoned from the actual physical living substance that is here?

I am responsible for this as much as Anu or anyone else. I am just as 'guilty' of having defined myself by my opinions and beliefs and point of view. I am responsible because I was equal in my participation of allowing myself as a being to live through this separate energy that cannot sustain itself and must be taken from what is already here.

Thus I am responsible for everything in this current reality- all and every playout of my own energy and mind addiction and self definition within 'individuality' as a separate being seeking only my own gratification within self interest wherein 'self' is believed to be a unique and sovereign being separate from the rest of existence.

Questions such as 'can it really be this way' and 'how do I know' are evidence of how lost I have become within the reasoning and logic of my mind, my personal definitions and symbols attempting to create a world that exists at my convenience, disregarding all that must be consumed in order for me to have such questions exist within myself.

For myself I see that I have extensively participated within going into my mind and creating thoughts, pictures, fantasies, beliefs, opinions and alternate realities in which I dwell in order to have an experience of myself that I prefer to have over what is already here. I have participated extensively within creating scenarios and situations that play out within my secret mind, where I am having relationships with people that do not actually take place here in the actual physical, wherein I am using the energy of the physical- the actual substance of life- to fuel and power my self created alternate worlds in which I am god and master, in which I am able to have any experience of myself I desire to have. I have become addicted to this ability to create 'better' worlds and 'better' experiences to entertain myself within, to live within, to such a degree that I have come to define myself AS the figments of my imaginary lives, identifying myself AS the “joe kou” that I create in my mind with all of the adventures and virtues that I have imbued within my digital, mind created self- disregarding what is here in my reality, and at what cost my flights of fancy have come.

I cannot continue to live as 'joe kou'. I cannot continue to exist within the apparent 'safety' of having private realities and private worlds created within my mind into which I am able to escape. I cannot continue to participate in my energy addiction.

Within me there has been countless excuses and justifications... myriad ways through which I have given myself 'logical' and 'reasonable' self manipulation, consistently finding ways to hide and abdicate actual responsibility and actual consideration for life. I have abused myself within this process by participating within these excuses and justifications- and I did this because I did not want to let go of my energy addiction and my ability to create alternate worlds and fantasies and to exist as a being that I am not in fact.

Simplistically, I must stop. I will no longer participate and allow myself to hold on to energy and creating emotional experiences for myself in order to not face what is here in each breath and in each moment, considering what I am doing to this reality within my participation. In this moment and every moment until this is done I must be diligent and stop myself each and every time I go into energy and mind or go into excuses or wanting to hold on to a point of view or perspective. I am not my perspective. I am not my point of view. I am not my personality. There is only ONE point of view that is valid, and that point of view is what is here in this moment without bias, judgment, opinion, belief, ideals, emotions, or definitions of the mind.

I have said these words to myself before and I have not applied them. I have not stood as the living word within self correction and self will and thus I now must face the consequences by having to loop myself back to this point of dedication. I must stop fucking around because this is not a game.

Speaking empty words will only trap me into being an empty being. Words are not simply noises symbolizing concepts. Words and living words are what build this reality. Thus I must establish this point of self will absolutely so that my word can be trusted- so that I can be trusted.

I have fallen on this point- and it is not acceptable to remain fallen within this. Thus to will myself to get back up knowing that I have compounded this for myself, that I will and must walk this absolutely until I stop falling.

Context exists HERE. Change exists HERE. Life exists HERE. All that is here in this moment is what I require to direct and perfect myself within. All that is here in this moment is all that I am able to actually direct and perfect myself within. Anything else would be another picture- another thought- another opinion I am accepting and allowing myself to be directed by.

Words here are not enough. Writing a blog is not enough. Watching desteni videos and making vlogs is not enough. Simply stating that I commit to something is not enough. Speaking knowledge and information is not enough. It is not acceptable to make statements without living them. It is not acceptable to speak words that are not living words as the actual manifested expression of myself. It is not acceptable to use words in separation in order to contrive an outcome based on self interest in order to continue to generate and sustain private worlds in which I am god of my own creation, disregarding all that is here.

The mess of this world has been my direct responsibility because I have not spoken living words, but words of deception and self interest- seeking to protect and validate a self image within my mind. At the moment I do not even want to type... I have so separated myself from self trust that I am disgusted now at my words. Yet this disgust is simply a distraction in order for me to participate within an energetic experience of disgust rather than moving myself within practical correction. This is how I continuously loop myself- going into judgment or reactions as a manipulation for myself to participate within energetic emotional experiences instead of directing myself to simply drop all thoughts and energy in the moment- no longer participating in it.

Lindsay has been of continued support- I am seeing that who I am and who she is within this agreement will bring up and expose the deep and 'secret' aspects of myself which must be stopped and let go of. This is exactly where I need to be because I am having so many points come up and being exposed. I am seeing how staunchly I have been guarding these self definitions. I am seeing how invested I had become within my limitations- fighting to preserve them at times. I am also seeing the self interest within having preferences and pictures and ideas about what I would 'like' our agreement to be- which is cool to see because I am starting to notice all of these 'subtle' points of deception within myself.

There are so many points that have been integrated within and as myself at such a level that I am not consciously aware of- they have become automated systems that function without my conscious participation because these patterns have become 'who I am' within what I have been living and accepting myself as- thus these points will be exposed within walking my agreement fully with Lindsay. Within this I am seeing what it takes to walk an effective agreement- and I am seeing why it is necessary for beings to walk their process within agreements- as this is a way to ensure that we are not fucking around within ourselves- and that we are not glossing over points that require direction.

Whenever I go into fears or not trusting myself within this agreement I know that I am in 'the right place'. It is me standing at the place where I am having resistances- me standing at the place where I want to run, hide, quite, give up on myself. It is these places that I require to stand and remain standing- no longer accepting separation or limitation. Whenever the thought arises that “I am not good enough” or “I cannot be trusted”, I know that I am in my mind, defending my self definition within limitation, still holding on to my addiction to energy and creating separate worlds within myself, identifying myself as my personality and as the characters I create within my mind which I have lived in secret. Whenever I have the thought of “I should end this agreement” that is when I know I am accepting limitation and mind- and that is where I must breathe- stand- correct myself- let go of the energy- and continue until it stops- until I stop haunting myself as an energetic ghost and I am able to remain here.

The thoughts of wanting to 'give up' come when I am at a point of wanting to protect an aspect of my secret mind, my personality, my self definition, my 'point of view'. When I feel threatened, that is an indicator for me that I am possessed by a self definition that I am not wanting to 'lose'. Only that which can be deleted- that which is not real- that which has an actual mortality is able to fear 'death' or being 'lost'- thus if I fear to lose it, it will be dead eventually and will be exposed eventually anyway- thus best to expose it and release myself from it.

For myself there has been resistance pushing through the application of sharing myself fully, unconditionally, absolutely, in every moment with Lindsay. I have made my commitment and I have made my decision to walk this agreement without backdoors- and me still resisting sharing myself and exposing myself completely with her IS a backdoor that is not acceptable. This I no longer accept this behavior and no longer accept this manipulation in order to hold on to my self interest within this agreement. In walking this agreement with Lindsay it is no longer about what I prefer. There can exist no preferences within this agreement. We stand within ourselves to the dedication of our lives to birthing ourselves from the physical and to walk our corrective application to self perfection and we will support each other as equals- within this no secrets, no agendas, no holding back is acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'hold back' out of fear of having to let go of my self definitions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within this back door of fearing to expose all of myself out of fear of how lindsay will react.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep walls and barriers up between myself and Lindsay in order for me to have 'space' in which I am still holding on to self interest and ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to walk through and face all of myself exposed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am able to hide from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of 'Lindsay does not trust me” in order to justify me own participation in holding back and not being absolutely unconditional in sharing EVERYTHING that is going on within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to hold on to individuality within my agreement with Lindsay in order to not fully go in to the details of my design as a system and to have 'space' for 'myself'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the ego and personality that I have created within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within excuses and justifications in order to not bring myself to the point of actually integrating and living the change that is necessary when points are brought up and exposed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate and distract myself from actually walking this process and committing myself 100 percent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist committing to something 100 percent due to fear that I may fall and will lose my 'position' in the eyes of others, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making self directive statements out of fear and resistance to actually standing and living the words I speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to the ability to manipulate myself and others in order to get what I want and in order to hold on to myself within my self definitions and limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am 'self honest' when I am still holding on to my self definitions within self interest in order to protect myself from facing my responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking direct control of my life and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to 'handle' myself effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear walking my process with Lindsay 100 percent in full dedication due to self interest and wanting to have things done 'my way'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going to places and doing things where I have resistances in order to continue living within those self limitations as well as to continue existing within energetic experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist changing and remaining here within self application and dedication due to not wanting to let go of creating my own inner worlds with energy that I derive from emotional manipulation of myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use judgment and fear of judgment as covers in order for me to not let go of the energetic experiences I am able to have when I judge myself, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use judgment as a mechanism to further deceive and manipulate myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in doubting myself, wherein I am creating that which I doubt in order to experience the energetic experience and emotion of 'doubt' as an experience of myself within my self definition as ego/personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within fear, wherein I am creating that which I fear and placing myself in a position of inFEARiority in order to justify remaining in my self definition/ego/personality and to be able to experience energetic emotional experiences within myself which validate and feed my self definition/ego/personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within 'happiness' wherein I am creating that which I 'enjoy' and 'like' and 'desire' to be special within separation, which creates friction within my reality and is then turned into energy which I use to experience the energetic experience of 'happiness', 'enjoyment', and 'liking something', which validates and feeds my self definition/ego/personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within 'preferences' in terms of what I would 'prefer' to do with my time and energy, whom I 'prefer' to spend my time and energy with, and how I 'prefer' things to be done in order for me to remain within my comfort zone as my self definition/ego/personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to stop my addiction and to correct myself within this process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be half-hearted within my application within still holding on to preferences and self definitions and only going 'far enough' to be at the brink of my comfort zone and not going any further.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in my limitations and indulge in my emotional self manipulations wherein I am victimizing myself in order to aggrandize my ego and personality within my self definition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear crossing over the threshold of my fears and self definitions, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living my life HERE in each moment instead of having memories and secret mind and energy within myself through which I am creating alternate realities out of self interest.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself or accepted myself to realize and live the realization that pity, emotional self manipulation, and holding on to self definitions is spiteful and is self interest at the cost of what is here in terms of existence in it's totality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist seeing and living the realization of the effect of my own self interest in terms of how it effects all of existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to still have my own 'little world' even after seeing the dishonesty within this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist having to give up all of my 'secret little worlds' because that would mean I would no longer have any control or sense of self within my self definition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within creating excuses, justifications, and blame in order to not face the cost of me creating secret worlds for myself using the actual physical reality and projecting myself into energy that does not return to the source and consumes the physical and disregards life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within creating excuses, justifications, blame, and participating in self manipulation within going into emotional experiences such as pity, depression, victimization, and self deprecation in order to remain within an energetic starting point of existence, wherein I define myself as an energy and not simply here in fact.