In the previous few blogs I have been pushing myself to
write out and share the insights and realization that I have had from a
particular event – and while I have been the type to “zone out” when I see a
long blog and not really want to read it because my mind is already busy with
other distractions – I would recommend for those who would be reading this
particular series of blogs I am writing to have a look at the previous posts
because I am telling a specific story and the context is quite important and
the way I have been writing is more in line with telling the “story” as it
unfolds – and currently is still unfolding.
There have been many times within my process thus far where
I would reach a certain crescendo of realization – and there would be an initial
burst of motivation and excitement where I would be really “into” the
realization that I would busily begin implementing – and what is fascinating is
that each time I did this I would do it within a point of “feeling good” about
it – like “Ok, now I am REALLY going to change. I am REALLY doing it this time.” - but after a short while things would begin
to taper off and I would no longer be as motivated – and eventually the same
habit or pattern that I was living before would return either in the same way,
or it would just change/evolve and I would eventually “come to terms” with the
idea and belief that I just wasn’t strong enough “this time” to follow through –
and that there must be other things in my life that I must attend to and other
things that must be “sorted out” before I have the time, the strength, the will
to really see this through no matter what.
One of the points that has developed within me is seeing the
importance of MOVING MYSELF and not allowing myself to remain in my mind where
my mind is able to come up with all manner of thoughts and reactions and
memories and experiences that are completely irrelevant to my actual reality
and have absolutely nothing to contribute to in terms of me taking responsibility
for the life that I am living or the relationships that I am responsible for
shaping, let alone the consequences that are now being faced by all forms of
life who are here in this world – and in the past few days as I was realizing
the extent of my separation from my actual reality and my ability to slow down
and CONSIDER the consequences of my words and my actions from a more “existential”
perspective that was not just about my own fears and insecurities and desires –
and what this process is really about.
Tonight – as I got home from work after a longer than usual
day in which I also experienced more than the usual amount of thoughts,
backchats, emotions, reactions, and various points of stress that have become “common”
– I realized that I was more often “wandering” off in my mind from one point of
distraction to another as I was setting in for my evening of writing – and eventually
I experienced a point of just not wanting to write at all tonight – just wanting
to “take it easy” and slip back into my old habits of mulling over my day in my
mind and going into more energetic experiences and entertaining myself with a
movie or a tv show and sort of “giving up” and “resigning” myself to my fate so
to speak – which is a very specific personality/pattern that I have allowed
myself to participate in and feed for quite some time.
But tonight the difference is that unlike the other times –
tonight I was armed with an awareness and a “presence” that I had discovered a
few days back – and since I had been writing myself out and applying more
specific self-forgiveness and allowing myself to stand within the “Eye of the
Storm” and releasing myself from the accumulated energies that had been shaken
loose my the recent and sudden event in my life that caught me “off guard” – I began
to realize that my ability to stand in the “Eye of the Storm” – while it seems
so small and insignificant – is actually a key not only for me to be able to
sit and write out my internal conflicts and be stable within it – but it is also
a point that I am able to utilize when I face physical resistances or the urge
to regress into previous patterns.
Tonight – I realized that I had been more “charged” than
usual and that throughout my day I had been more in my mind than I had been
with my awareness and self-stability – and here I allowed myself to simply slow
down and see that the more I allow energy within my mind – the more I allow
myself to slip into my “routine” and the more I allow my behavior and day to
day living to become automated – the more “leverage” my own mind will seem to
have over me – and though this realization seems simplistic and even “too basic”
to the mind to seem important – in slowing myself down I again brought myself
back to the “Eye of the Storm” – and gently, observed and allowed this
experience of “resistance” within myself and realized that it consisted of the
same energy – the same “pattern” and behavior that I would usually not question
– had much less of an effect on me so long as I moved myself within myself to
that same point in the “Eye of the Storm”.
Now this is fascinating because here I am seeing that it
DOES NOT MATTER how much of a resistance one is facing in relation to a point –
it does not matter how “hard” or “difficult” or even “impossible” something may
be – all of it is just part of that storm and can only move us if we do not
stand in that point of the “Eye of the Storm” – in that one singular point
where all and everything that we can throw at ourselves from within our minds –
all of the thoughts and emotions and experiences and energies and memories –
all of it is fleeting and has no permanence UNLESS we decide to go for the ride
and lose ourselves in the edges of the storm that can so easily accumulate in
one’s day and one’s living.
So what am I saying here to myself as I share this? I am
saying that all of the excuses, all of the justifications, all of the bullshit
that I did not want to talk about or share with others because I was too afraid
of what they would think – all of the regrets and sorrows that I have held on
to because I thought they would somehow make me a “better person” or would
somehow allow me to hold on to something or be able to “fix” something that is
already done and in the past… all of the thoughts that come up in my days when
I am not standing in my awareness – all of that is just a passing wind within
the storm and NONE of it can move me when I stand in the “Eye of the Storm” –
thus from here I am not only responsible for every word and every thought I
allow myself to participate in – but I also have a responsibility to myself –
because I DO see now how this functions and I understand that this implies I
have never actually been ALIVE – that I have never actually CARED – that I have
never actually been EQUAL with the world that is here and the consequences that
have come about in my years of drifting in the storm of my own mind – and that
something that seems so miniscule as a tiny “dot” within a raging storm can be
one’s greatest strength as long as one is willing to see it – be aware of it –
and allow it to come through in one’s own stability – further implies that
everything we have deemed “impossible” in this world – everything we have said
could “never be done” – is a lie.
The external world as we know it now is the reflection and
consequence of the multitude of “storms” – collections of thoughts and energies
and opinions that generate the illusion of being “alive” or apparently “going
somewhere” – and it can and should look very imposing when we are still
allowing ourselves to be caught in the winds – at the edges – afraid to stand
in the very center of the storm and unwilling to admit that we are the source
of it – but just as I had discovered that the little “spark” within me that
stands no matter how big the storm within me may be, and how eventually the
storm subsides and has no more energy when I remain standing in that center –
it is just as possible that we as humanity – as this existence – can put an END
to all of this pointless misery and we can stop allowing ourselves to be tossed
around the storms we are creating if we but dare to seek the simplest, smallest
thing and be willing enough to humble ourselves, let go of ourselves, stop
taking things so personally, forgive ourselves, and let this storm drift by so
that we can be ALIVE for real and for the first time see who we each really are
– equal sparks of life that seemed so small in the storm that we may as well
have believed we were completely alone – but at the end when the storm clears –
we remain that spark that never once gave up and never once flinched or judged
or feared.
In the posts to follow I will expand yet further on this
point – as there are many dimensions to this – and I am very much enjoying what
I am sharing because this is a real-time unfolding of myself. I understand
these last few posts were longer than usual for my blog but those who have
stayed with these words thank you for walking and witnessing this story with me
as I tell it – that it may stir within you that spark of life that I am
learning to write and see things from.
