I Give Up on Giving Up!

"Never never never give up" - Winston Churchill

 

At the moment I am experiencing a lot of mind-demon possession – where the points of back-chat that I have participated in for many years are now becoming prominent and manifest – and I am finding myself becoming all of the things that I have feared – becoming all of the things that I did not want to face and had suppressed within myself.

I have designed myself to be a very manipulative and deceptive person – and have honed my ability to abuse knowledge and information in order to influence others as well as to convince others into accepting me or giving me what I want. And while I have seen this point as well as identified aspects of it within my participation in this process and saw how I was still manipulating myself and deceiving myself as well as others, I did not actually apply myself in stopping, which has resulted in abuse and deliberate manipulation, which is unacceptable.

So it is obvious that I must make a decision and fucking stick to it – because I have made similar decisions – I have made similar commitments in the past – only to have fallen back on the point of undermining my self-will and allowing my back-chat to determine who I am and how I remain instead of actually directing myself within self-honesty and living the self-forgiveness.

It is not acceptable to have the tools to support myself and STOP the points that come up time and time again and not actually apply myself – to actually allow myself to remain limited when in fact I am aware of what I am doing, aware that I am allowing myself to diminish myself as life – deliberately harming myself and others by not taking responsibility and standing within self-honesty in each moment due to allowing my own fears to dominate me, allowing my own self-interest and immaturity to override directive principle.

In the end it all comes down to FEAR – because it is only within fear that back-doors exist. It is only within fear that I allow myself to remain limited and actually stand up and take responsibility – and this fear is the fear of losing my 'self' as what I have defined myself to be within and as my mental experience – my memories and self-definitions based on accumulated knowledge and information which is not and never will be REAL and will never actually be of substance of it's own.

The self that I have designed myself to be thus far is not acceptable and will only abuse life if allowed to continue – thus I must stop fucking around in this process and actually take responsibility for the harm that is done through me accepting abuse within myself and thus participating within abusing others in my dishonesty.

Within this the task is to completely redesign myself – completely change every aspect of myself so that all that I do accumulates to what is best for all – that all that I do comes from a starting point of self-honesty in consideration of oneness and equality – as any decision based on self-interest, based on my own private back-chat, is unacceptable.

It is unfortunate that I have diminished myself and compromised myself extensively– but within this I must humble myself and realize that there is no escaping what one deliberately participates in – this is not just about me and my existence within my own bubble – this is about LIFE and there is no room for fucking around. Thus I accept and embrace my responsibility and commit to never giving up, never allowing myself to succumb to the mind within walking away from this process. I commit to not allowing myself to stew within points for weeks, months, years without effectively directing myself – as that is simply not acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously not direct myself when I see points that are not acceptable within my participation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not actually apply myself within this process within full dedication

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not actually live my self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself within standing as the directive principle of my being, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite those who are walking this process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take for granted all who walk this process diligently and consistently without considering the fact that when I am not equally participating and applying myself I am in fact becoming a liability and misrepresentation to what desteni actually stands for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard my responsibility to change myself and stop my mind within self-interest and ego

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am my ego and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my self-definitions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within trying to assist others within separation and using knowledge and information instead of actually applying myself consistently and standing as my own point of authority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume a point of clarity/understanding of what it is to walk this process when in fact I have not personally fully dedicated myself to walking this process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compound points of self-dishonesty and self-abuse due to fear and resistance of actually facing who I am and what I have accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write self-forgiveness that was not actual forgiveness of self as self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand within humbleness and instead to project myself within ego and wanting validation as energy to satisfy a personality that was not self-content.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the simplicity of breathing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist walking my process starting over and letting go of all that I think I have accomplished within the realization that my standing has not been self-honest and thus cannot be trusted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist 'starting over', and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate a point of ego and self-definition of 'I should be further along than this'. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself within hiding behind knowledge and information as well as ego and self-interest in spite of understanding my responsibility.

What I see I require to accumulate is the point of self-direction and no longer allowing myself to participate in the mind in relation to thoughts of self-judgment and wanting to give up, and remaining self-honest and humble so that I do not abuse or manipulate in order to be something that I am not.

I take responsibility for the self that I have designed thus far and within this I commit myself to walking my process in humility – so that I am able to sort myself out and make certain that my accumulation is what is best for all by walking one step and one breath at a time to stabilize myself and re-establish self-trust.

I walk. I WILL myself to never ever give up or allow myself to remain within my points of self-sabotage and doubt. I will never give up on myself no matter what. I am not my mind. I am not my fears. I am not limitation. I WILL myself to birth myself HERE within and as the physical and I will keep standing back up if I fall until this is done.

I WILL myself to accumulate what is best for all in each decision that I make and re-align myself when/if i deviate into self-interest/fear.

I WILL myself to change FOREVER.

Self-Dedication and Change

Within re-dedicating myself to walking this process and committing to change, I am finding that my application has become much smoother - even when i am having points of judgment, reaction, or resistance, they are not as severe and there is noticeably less energy within those points - as i am now applying myself within embracing and accepting self and taking responsibility for what i am accepting and allowing self to exist as.

within accepting the fact that i am currently limited and must walk a process of uncovering the layers of self that have been constructed through time and accumulated participation within and as the mind/ego, i am able to be gentle with myself and actually care about myself enough to let go of fears and resistances to change. here, the starting-point is actual self change instead of me simply wanting to redeem myself or 'fix' something in order to cope with my reality.

i am allowing myself to see and be self-honest with the extent to which i have participated within knowledge and information as a means and way of projecting and presenting myself in order to control and manipulate instead of actually sharing self within vulnerability - and within this not judging myself or beating myself up over it - rather investigating who i am within this behavior and move myself within self-correction.

what has assisted me greatly in the past days is pushing the point of sharing and exposing myself with my partner, and getting self-honest with my points of backchat and back-doors - admitting to and taking responsibility for what i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and accumulate within myself, and realizing that it is never 'personal' whatever comes up.

a point of stability and amazing support within all of this is the application of breathing - bringing self back here within and as the breath, moving within and as the breath, and realizing that i cannot do more than what is able to be done within one breath - and that if i am not here within breath then i am in my mind - when this happens to not judge myself or go into further reaction - simply address the issue and if i  require assistance, ask for it - do not linger in the mind within back-chat and do what is here, what is actually in my reality breath by breath instead of going into internalizations, projections, fears, judgments, pictures, etc.


an interesting note here is that when i am effectively breathing and applying myself within self-acceptance instead of self-blame and sticking to the decision to change and face myself, seemingly insurmountable points become far less intimidating within the realization that i am not limited by anything other than myself.


so i continue - breathing and walking, accepting and directing

More on the point of accumulation

A point that I am seeing today is the application of constantly applying myself and adjusting - allowing myself to 'bend' and be flexible with points so that i am able to actually take them on and change - when a point is first 'taken on' for correction, there is still a 'beta testing' phase where the actual change has not fully been integrated and one must adjust and fine-tune and make further corrections along the way - and within this process one gets closer and closer to establishing a point of standing - and from that point of standing one can remain consistent and stable, having 'tested out' all the scenarios and bugs. Thus it is impractical to constantly remain in self-judgment or giving up so easily when a point at first seems to not be budging. It is a process and one must be brutal as well as gentle within it.

as mentioned before i have been experiencing this point of gradual 'improvement' within accumulating self-trust and consistently applying myself, and seeing that as i make these adjustments, slowly but surely i am accumulating self-change and i will 'walk into' the point where eventually i am stable within the points i am working on and can then expand myself and take on more. until then, i simply walk and keep on walking, adjusting, allowing self to make mistakes and learning from them.

another point that i see is important within this application of accumulation is to not give any energy to the moments that one sees are 'effective' or 'heading in the right direction' - which builds an expectation and sets one up for a polarity event in which the 'good feelings' turn bad when a bump occurs and one has to re-adjust. simply re-adjust whenever necessary and do not look back - and do not project into the future when things seem to be 'going well'.

It is NOT too much to ask, to birth myself and remove all that I have been.

Who am I within my process?

Since my decision to push on the point of moving myself and establishing self trust in each moment- and to establish a general stance/foundation for myself as i walk this process- there has been an overall experience of both stability and conflict lol

the stability is experienced as a realization and integration within myself that all that i face, all that is in my world, is ME, and that all that i am judging or reacting to is MYSELF. thus no matter what happens i am facing myself and if i am facing myself then i am able to use self forgiveness and self corrective application to direct all that is in my world in each moment. the conflict is the realization that all in my world is ME and that indeed i am responsible for ALL of it and must be diligent and disciplined within my application so that i am not allowing myself to participate within excuses and justifications to not actually change myself in the physical.

the point of the physical has also been something i am pushing lately- bringing things to 'the physical' instead of constantly being in my mind trying to figure things out, run simulations within my mind of how things might play out, wanting to plan for every contingency and wanting to know ahead of time what to expect so that i am not actually having to venture 'off the map' and have to actually face who and what i am without my comfort zone and without my programmed self definitions.

at the moment i am working on SLOWING DOWN- and within this i am applying myself within common sense and practicality within walking a disciplined commitment to myself to birth myself as the physical- meaning to not use 'slowing down' as an excuse to not face myself and push myself through my resistances and fears- it is to slow myself down in order to allow myself to walk in specificity and detail within one point at a time so that i am able to be certain and meticulous in a practical way that ensures that i am removing my constructs and self definitions. i am slowing down so that i am able to work faster- i am being gentle so that i can be more brutal withing my application. i am bringing myself fully here within and as breath whenever i notice myself going off into energy and trying to 'rush' and 'catch up' and trying to multi-task several things at once within the desire to be able to be rid of my limitations and patterns and self definitions in an instant without having to actually walk in detail and specificity each point from it's inception to it's conclusion.

of great assistance was Sunette's recent video "Dropping the SS's out of Stress and Rest" wherein she gives great assistance on the point of stress and how we are prone to speed up and cause physical strain when we are under stress, and also points out the practicality of slowing down in order to give ourselves the opportunity to be here and not tax ourselves unnecessarily.

Another of Sunette's videos from desteni productions was particularly assisting for me as well within this application and it is aptly named "Noooo...... it's too much!" lol

Who I am within my process is becoming more dedicated, more stable. There is an affirmation within myself that I will walk this no matter what- that I am currently a systematic being who is bound by self definitions and mind constructs, but this is a temporary condition until I release myself from these constructs or until I am dead. Within pushing the point of Self Acceptance and embracing myself as who and what i currently am within the understanding and commitment to self that i shall move and direct myself to release myself from my current self definitions and limitations, there is far less conflict and judgment within myself- where i am simply here doing what is here to be done as i walk my application of removing my limitations one by one- realizing that i have a difficult and lengthy process ahead of me, but secure and satisfied that i shall do whatever it takes and that i will not give up on myself.

there has been within me the pattern of wanting to have everything done, or to constantly seek to have guarantees that all will be perfect before allowing myself to commit to anything. often i have used the excuse of 'it won't turn out the right way' in order to not actually even give myself a chance. i see this is a system that serves the purpose of keeping me within my self definitions and limitations instead of me pushing through absolutely to the point of self will.

many points have been revealed within myself in the past few days as i commit myself to sharing myself, my process, and walking without judgment and exposing all parts of myself with Lindsay within the application of our agreement. the degree of support and assistance for myself has been amazing- the foundation of support that i give to myself within my participation with Lindsay has been very effective within establishing for myself where i stand in my process. i see that in committing to walk process to the utmost with another as an equal is a statement and outflow of me having made the commitment to walk my process to the utmost with myself. herein, the support and assistance that i have with Lindsay is the support and assistance i have with myself.

i see how i have in the past defined myself within the self definition of 'not being able to handle my process' and believing that i will not 'make it' in the disciplined walk to self perfection and removing these limitations of the mind consciousness system and my structural resonance- but i see now within self honesty that those perceptions of limitations are indeed only my own perceptions. it is up to me whether i make those perceptions real or not- whether i will give in to them or not.

yes, i have many many points that have not been removed or completely cleared up. yes i am a systematic and programmed system being that is not yet living within self direction and self will in each moment. yes, i have a difficult and challenging process ahead of me that will require that i expose all of myself and let go of everything i have known and within this i shall have to step into the absolute unknown armed with nothing but self forgiveness. but within all of this there is now a sense of balance and stability that was not present before. within the physical act of committing myself to move and direct myself and placing myself exactly where i have resistances and fears- and seeing that i remain and am able to push through- i have in a way cemented and confirmed for myself my own standing within my process- that i will not give up even though i have points where i feel like i want to- and ESPECIALLY when i feel like i want to stop and give in and go back to the matrix- it is to realize that these experiences of resistance and discomfort and being on that brink of wanting to give in and give up is exactly the point where i must be and stand- because it is only there at the very edge of myself that i am able to see where my programming and limitation ends and life actually begins.

so i shall walk and breathe and face my resistances- and within this i shall not run or hide or deny the points that exist within me- the points that i have separated myself from and require to walk through- and within this i do not and will not go into energetic thoughts or reactions of 'this is too much' or 'i cannot deal with all of this', and simply to start working one point at a time, to unravel and untangle and sort out the jungle within me not by pulling and tugging and wrestling with each and every point that i see and getting myself caught up in the mess of trying to sort it all out at once, but to allow myself to slow down and be diligent with one point at a time- to completely sort myself out and stand within the realization that this is a process that will take the rest of my life- and in each moment i must walk this dedication- and never look back or want it to be done 'faster' than what i am able to practically do in each moment. and within this, there is certainty that i WILL get through my points as long as i continue to move, push, direct myself in each moment.