The Road to Giving Up Is Paved With WHINING

Whining is where one builds up a case - builds up a sales pitch - and eventually convinces self and gets self to 'buy into' the 'product' for the mind to consume - whining is where one creates and layers excuses and justifications to not do something or face something or take responsibility for something directly -thus whining is the actual first step toward sabotage - toward giving up - toward giving in to that point of consumerism and buying the product that has been marketed, advertised, and sold for profit - but in this case the 'product' that you convince yourself to 'buy' is the product of laziness - the product of getting a temporary relief or a temporary moment of stimulation in the mind where you apparently 'win' and get to have a nice experience within yourself, the product of self-diminishment - and in this transaction who gets the profit? It certainly is not YOU - but rather the 'profit' - the energy that you willingly gave up as part of yourself - went to the mind to create and sustain that experience of "Yay, I got what I wanted" and once the energy is consumed and the experience ends - you are faced with a peculiar problem - you are still having to face and deal with the point that originally presented itself - the point that you initially reacted to and went into resistance toward and then talked yourself out of by selling yourself an experience. So now that the 'product' has been consumed you realize that nothing has actually changed - and now you may find that you have less conviction - less motivation - less SUBSTANCE because you had previously allowed yourself to give in to the resistances and buy the 'easy way out' and try to escape from responsibility only to find that instead you diminished your own self-trust and self-integrity.

An example of this 'whining' tactic that I have observed within myself goes as follows -

Say there is a point that I see I require to direct and take responsibility for. This points requires that I set aside my personal preferences and addictions and that I commit within my responsibility to do something that I, out of self-interest, prefer not to do and have defined as something that is "not fun" and something that is "not worth the time" because I could be doing other, more "fun" things.

Begrudgingly, I then 'deal with it' by going through the motions of what I require to do, doing just the bare minimum - just enough so that I can still tell myself that I am 'really doing it' - yet in my backchat I am still whining - still building up the sales pitch - still telling myself:

"I will get to have fun once this is over with"

"Just get through this... just do the bare requirements... and then go right back to having fun."

"Man, this is stupid... this isn't going to work, but I'm going to TRY.... I will try a little."

At this point I am moving myself mechanically within the point - but here I have NOT made my commitment clear. I have NOT worked through the actual resistances and the actual backchat involved. Here I am already setting myself up for 'failure' because I am not in fact walking what is required to be walked as an actual expression and statement of me - rather I am doing it to 'get something' - which is to be able to, eventually, once I have sabotaged the point sufficiently and can say that this point is just 'not working', I will get to QUIT and GIVE UP because my commitment was never in fact clear in the first place, and thus any excuse - any justification - any 'sales pitch' that I can sell to myself, I will then buy into as my way out.

Back to the example - having gotten my toes wet within a new commitment or taking on a point of responsibility that I am doing begrudgingly and NOT as an actual commitment to self - the backchat will begin to get more and more devious and self-manipulative:

"Okay cool... it looks like I'm doing what I require to do... I am meeting the bare requirements... at least now THEY can't say that I didn't try."

"Man, I can't wait to STOP doing this... this is so much work... this is NOT what I want to be doing."

"Man I am being such a champ... I am being such a good, hard working, dedicated person.... look how long I have lasted so far... look how 'committed' I have been... so this had better be WORTH IT or else!"

"This is NOT working! I am doing what I need to do... I am making myself go through with it and put up with it and deal with it but it is NOT working! What's the point of this if it isn't going to work and I am GIVING UP my time, my focus, my energy, when I could be enjoying myself?"

"It is NOT my fault! Every time it is always just not working out no matter what I DO."

"I KNEW IT! God I was so stupid. I should have quit a long time ago. Obviously it wasn't going to work anyway. I don't even WANT to do that anymore. I gave it my best shot... I gave it my time, and I 'sacrificed' so much. The 'smart' thing to do now is 'cut my losses' and end this and stop WASTING MY TIME."

And voila! The sales pitch sinks in and the reason/justification is accepted and now I am able to QUIT and GIVE UP on the point - not seeing and realizing that from the very beginning - from the very starting-point - the commitment was NOT clear and thus I deliberately allowed backchat and self-manipulation through whining and complaining and thus creating the very context for my own 'giving up' - making a big show along the way of how hard it is, how difficult it is, how much work it is, how much I am 'giving up'... so that once the point has been sufficiently sabotaged, I can point at the big show that I made and say:

"But look! I did try. I did everything I was supposed to do. Now this means it didn't work. I mean, the best thing to do now is to stop - because continuing is just not going to work."

This is how the whining tactic comes full circle and becomes a self-fulfilling 'prophecy', the profit-see, as we profit-seek instead of realize actual value - where we buy into the quick fix and get to have an immediate experience instead of dedicate ourselves to building, shaping, slowly but surely, something that will last far longer than the brief burst of energy - where we sell ourselves out and pave the way for our own giving up and ensuring that we remain diminished instead of pushing ourselves past our own self-created fears and addictions to be able to see who we REALLY are when we are not directed by fears, backchat, resistances, but actually moving ourselves.

So, whenever one makes a commitment and is aligning oneself within a new responsibility or is in the process of establishing a new job, relationship, or change in one's life or living patterns, the STARTING POINT must be clear and the commitment and decision to walk that change must be absolute - otherwise the whiner tactic will start picking away at the weaknesses of one's character and will use one's own self-dishonesty and self-interest against self.

When one sees and notices this point of the "Whiner", which can in a way be seen as a 'salesman' in one's own mind that is trying to earn his next bonus - one is able to immediately stop and realize that one is paving the way forward to failure - to giving up - and to giving the 'salesman' his sales bonus at our own expense.

Here, self-forgiveness on the 'whiner' tactic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to and believe that the 'whiner' voices within me that complain and whine and make a big deal out of doing things that I have committed and made a decision to do are who I am, and that the reasoning and logic of those whiner voices must be the reasoning and logic of me - when in fact such voices are simply representations and manifestations of self-interest where I have not cleared up my starting-point within a commitment or decision and will thus 'talk to me' and 'speak to me' in thoughts and pictures of whining and complaining so that eventually I will manifest and make real my own point of self-doubt, self-compromise, and secret desire to 'give up' instead of following through on my commitments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear actually doing what I decide and commit to do within what I see is best for all and will be a choice/commitment that will honor and support me in being and becoming a trustworthy, effective, and self-motivated person that can stand as a point of change within this world, and thus giving myself backdoors to sabotage myself so that I do not in fact reach my highest potential simply because I have not cleared up my starting-point - have not actually understood the implications of my commitment and my decision, and the consequences of what I will end up creating as my life if I continue allowing myself to fall.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT stop the whiner within me and thus allow myself to listen to the sales pitches of the 'salesman' that is my self-interest and ego not wanting to lose it's biggest customer and willing to do and say anything to make his sale, and to believe that the whining and complaining must be who I am because it is coming from 'me', and seems to be using a voice and thoughts and pictures that have always seemed to be a 'part of me', so thus this 'salesman' must really know intimately who I am and what is best for me - and NOT see or consider until now that I have based an entire life on the deals from this salesman - so much so that I have taken the sales-pitches as backchat on as my own thoughts, my own feelings, my own desires, and thus not actually question the deal that I am making.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I am implementing a point that I have not mastered or working on something that requires discipline and consistency in order to practically build something that will in fact last and be of actual support and value to me, not trust myself and not stick to the clarity of my decision and commitment and thus allow myself to be talked into giving up on something simply because I am not able to see and touch the results without first walking the necessary time and commitment, and thus believe that the results will not be there since they are not here now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to whine and complain within myself instead of STOPPING and realizing that there is a salesman in my mind that is reflecting and showing me my doubts and my fears and my uncertainties - thus it is not to allow myself to give in to the temptation and allow myself to be enticed to give up and not face those points, but rather to walk through those points - utilizing the resistances and the backchat as an indication that my standing is not absolute and therefore requires my direction and attention.

I commit myself to, when and as there is a decision and commitment that I have made and as I am walking this commitment I am see/notice myself complaining that it is hard or it is not working or that I am wasting my time and looking stupid - to STOP and clear up my starting point within making that commitment and decision in the first place and stick to the point that is best for all especially when this decision brings up conflict within me and I am wanting to give up and thus deny myself the gift of self-movement and developing actual self-trust as I shed away the layers of self-definition and self-interest and step back into the LIFE that I am.

I commit myself to, when and as I see/notice myself dramatizing a point and complaining to myself or others that something is hard or not working or just too much while I begrudgingly still do the bare minimum, I STOP and realize that if a point is in fact not working and not practical then I simply stop and there is no debate necessary about it and I simply change and adjust my participation. But if I am experiencing conflict and resistances within a point and yet I am still dragging and pulling myself in it and whining about it, then I am deliberately manipulating myself by NOT giving myself clarity and am paving the way for eventually giving up instead of being directive within what I am doing.

I commit myself to, for such points where I am complaining and whining, slow down and reveal for myself what I am setting myself up for in making such claims, and how/why it is that I am working against myself to sabotage myself - and what it is that I fear to actually face and walk through or let go of, what it is that I fear to embrace and become and change, that I am now whining and complaining about and setting myself up to give up on, and seeing for myself whether it is in fact worth it to give up, knowing that I will eventually have to come back to face this exact point - this exact question again, and perhaps be in a situation that is not as stable or supportive as the one I am currently in - and if I give up now and I do end up in this point again, would I be self-honestly okay with myself and my decision to give up in this moment now?

ISOLATION - Am I Too Late? Am I shunned?

Here I open up the point of 'isolation', where I will place myself into a point of self-pity and seclude myself from participating effectively within my world due to believing that I have made a mistake and that it is 'too late' for me to adjust and correct myself, and due to not wanting to again face the point of 'failure' make the 'decision' to just give up entirely and give in to the experience of 'failure'.

This happens most often when I have set up a particular expectation or idea about myself or about a certain task or goal that I would like to accomplish but end up not living up to my own expectation of it and thus creating the experience of being disappointed with myself – because I had set an 'appointment' of when I expected a certain thing to be done and that appointment had been missed – thus I dis-appoint myself.

So when I create an idea and set up an expectation and an 'appointment' for when and how a certain task or goal is to be done and then end up not living up to the expectation or missing that appointment, or in the example of having made a decision to get a certain task done and ending up not doing that task, I become 'disappointed' with myself and become angry with myself because I feel as though I have 'failed myself' and thus cannot and will not trust myself, and if I cannot trust myself then it is very easy to become emotionally manipulative with myself and create the justification/excuse that I simply 'cannot be trusted' or that 'I cannot do this' or that it is simply 'too late' and there is nothing that can be done to correct my mistakes or live up to the original expectation that I had of myself, because apparently it is no longer 'worth doing' since I wasn't able to do it the way I pictured it in my mind.

When this happens the point of 'isolation' manifests where I stop participating in my world and do not simply pick up where I see I made the initial mistake but rather go into a self-defeat pattern where I simply give up on everything – not just the original task or goal, but actually say 'fuck it all' within myself and give in to the point of depression and self-sabotage, and the longer I allow this point of self-sabotage the more energy I give to the mind as the very design of self-sabotage, and the more difficult it becomes to stand up again.

Here a vital point is missed where I do not stop and simply have a look at what it is that I am holding on to and allowing to limit and constrict me and why I am allowing myself take the failure personally. because as soon as I allow myself to take the point of failure personally and thus become disappointed with myself, I do not see the opportunity to realize and correct what I am participating in, and also I miss the point of realizing that when I have an 'expectation' of myself I am already in a point of separation and my actions/decisions are thus motivated by energy – where I am trying to get to some point outside of myself and chasing after an energetic experience where I can be 'satisfied' with myself if I complete this certain task or goal, which implies that I am currently NOT satisfied with myself.

When my starting point for doing a task or working toward a certain goal is energy and wanting to have some kind of 'payoff' at the end where I feel better about myself, my movement is no longer a self-movement as myself, but rather a point of energetic addiction – and thus when I am not moving myself as self-direction, I am allowing myself to be motivated by energy, which is never sustainable and will always 'run out', which leaves me with the experience of 'suddenly' not having the motivation to do and complete the task or goal and finding it more difficult to move myself and direct myself effectively, because the energetic 'payoff' seems so far away, and seems like so much work, and fearing that I will not get to that point of 'payoff' where I can then feel better about myself I become angry and disappointed with myself instead.

It is fascinating really because then there is the experience of feeling as though I have been 'cheated' when really I have simply been dishonest with myself and thus 'cheated' myself by placing more value within the expectation of completing something than the actual self-movement of me within my decision to do something – thus the 'value' as the energetic payoff of 'feeling better' about myself became my motivation and already within that I have separated myself from self-movement which is HERE in each breath.

Thus I support myself within this point of going into 'isolation' where I am “so late” that I end up getting angry with myself for not keeping my own 'appointments' and thus become disappointed with myself, and to further justify the self-abusive pattern by 'giving up' and going into an emotional reaction of hopelessness and helplessness as self-dishonesty when really the solution is as simple as taking a single breath, bringing myself back HERE, forgiving the pattern and the 'failure' and let go of the expectation and energetic 'payoff' as the reward, and simply move myself and do what is required to be done in each moment.

Self-Forgiveness On “Isolation”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and place value within getting certain tasks done or achieving certain goals as energetic rewards for me to 'feel better' about myself and thus make that energetic reward my motivation instead of moving myself without attachment to outcome or setting up 'appointments' as expectations which then lead to dis-appointment with myself when I experience myself as not having sufficient energy as motivation to get the task done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize how this very pattern of creating an energetic reward as my motivation to complete a task and to give up on myself and feel as though I have failed when I do not achieve the task or goal and thus go into the negative polarity experience of feeling 'low' and upset and frustrated with myself as a 'failure' is the EXACT same point that is playing out within the greater scale as the money system – where each day billions of people work themselves to a point of exhaustion and stress in order to get to the promised 'payoff' in the form of money – and those who do not receive sufficient pay will soon lose 'motivation' or will feel inadequate or inferior within irrational self-judgment and not see that when energy as emotional experiences of happiness or 'contentment' or energy as financial reward in the form of money are the starting point for ANYTHING that one does, one is not in fact moving as self-direction or self-expression and thus will eventually reach a point of 'crash' where one does not have enough energy/money to continue because both money and energy in this world are self-consuming and never sustainable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create value and attach emotional experiences of 'happiness' and 'self-contentment' within completing certain tasks or achieving certain goals and to NOT see within this how I am in fact setting myself up for the negative polarity experience when the energetic 'reward' dissipates and I am left with the opposite polarity of feeling unworthy and unsatisfied, as though I can never actually be satisfied – which would be true because as long as satisfaction is based on energy and not based on actual self-living as self-satisfaction, the 'experience' of satisfaction will always be fleeting and will always create the polarity experience of dissatisfaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become disappointed with myself when I do not accomplish a task or achieve a goal or live up to an expectation that I have set up for myself and to thus take the 'failure' personally and abuse myself within self-judgment that leads to me 'giving up' on myself because I blame myself for the 'mistake' and 'failure' when 'failure' does not in fact exist other than within the context of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the experience of self-defeat and wanting to 'give up' and feeling as thought there is too much pressure and resistance to walk through is just as addictive as the experience of 'happiness' and 'contentment' for having accomplished something which I have given value to outside of myself – and thus it is just as easy to become addicted to failure as it is to becoming obsessive about success – and in fact the two points feed and compound each other as polarities of the same basic point – where I am not living and being the self-value and self-movement but rather allowing myself to be moved and motivated by addiction to energy – whether it is the energy of 'success' and creating the experience of 'happiness' within me, or the energy of 'failure' where I create the experience of 'disappointment'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a slave to energy and to be taken on polarity shifts from happiness and self-contentment to depression and disappointment instead of standing stable within each breath and moving myself one breath at a time and aligning myself with the actual physical movement and participation of me, directing myself as my self-expression and not allowing myself to compromise my self-movement for energetic experiences of 'happiness' or addiction to the energy of self-judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as I notice I have not done a task or achieved a goal to my satisfaction, abuse myself and give in to the energetic 'payoff' of 'failure' and throwing a tantrum and saying within myself 'fuck it' and for the rest of the day sinking into depression and distracting myself with entertainment or other stimulation to further feed and compound the experience of 'failure' which only strengthens the hold of the mind consciousness system.

Self Correction -

I commit myself to STOP beating myself up within my backchat and going into self-created experiences of disappointment and 'failure' when I do not live up to an expectation that was set up based on the energetic addictions of the mind by bringing myself back HERE when I notice myself going into a point of self-judgment or isolation where I want to say, or am already saying within me “fuck it all, I already fucked it up” and to STOP myself by letting go of my previous expectation and letting go of any ideas or beliefs about what I might 'get' as a reward for living up to the expectation of the mind because who I am as my self-expression and self-movement requires NO reward or motivation outside of myself.

I commit myself to move myself effectively within the tasks that I do and the commitments that I make by moving myself breath by breath and to adjust and correct myself accordingly within practical considerations of time and priorities and do not allow myself to give in to backchat or self-abuse if a point does not line up according to the demands of the mind because I simply breathe, let go, and start again from that breath as though that was the very first moment of a new commitment – and walk that new commitment until it is done.

I commit myself to align myself effectively within moving at the pace of breath – where I am not rushing or creating expectations projected into the future where I am already attached to a certain outcome or potential 'reward' and factoring those experiences as valid when in fact they are not here and I require to do the necessary work in order to manifest those outcomes.

I commit myself to stopping the pattern of i-so-late-tion where because I did not complete a task or achieve a certain goal that I have set within my mind I go into the excuse and backchat of “I'm so late” and thus it is 'too late' to do what I initially intended to do and thus I should just give up and 'spare myself' the further failure of trying to recover what has been apparently 'lost' when in fact there is no such thing as being 'too late' and I am at all times able to simply BREATHE and move myself again. 

I commit myself to stop fucking myself within seeing and realizing that when I allow the words "fuck it" to exist within me, I am the one who is being fucked within me giving in to and abdicating myself to the mind which will NOT be merciful or forgiving when I give into ideas and beliefs of failure and giving up - where whatever I allow myself to fuck myself with becomes compounded and thus more difficult to actual walk through and transcend.

Defining the Word “Isolation”

1. An act or instance of isolating.
2. the state of being isolated.
3. the complete separation from others of a person suffering from contagious or infectious disease; quarantine.
4. the separation of a nation from other nations by isolationism.

Root word - “Isolate”

1. To set or place apart; detach or separate so as to be alone.

Sounding of the Words “Isolation” “Isolate”

“I'm So Late, I'm Shunned”

“I'm So Late”

Here I see how I have lived the words 'isolation' and 'isolate' – where I detach and stop participating with the world – stop being a part of my actual environment and attempt to 'quarantine' myself away from others due to judging myself as being inferior and 'unworthy', where I attempt to hide myself from others due to the shame and fear of having to face the point of failure again if I do decide to stand up again.

Thus when the point of “I'm So Late” comes up as a reaction to failure and disappointment with myself, this pattern becomes triggered and instead of participating with the world and making the necessary corrections, I try to hide from the world because I am actually trying to hide from myself, and thus fear that if I do participate with the world the world may 'see' the fear and disappointment and self-judgment within me – hence the defense mechanism of isolation where I break away from the world and attempt to sort myself out or at least not 'infect' others while I impose my self-quarantine through self-judgment.

Redefining the word “Isolation”

How I will live and apply the word “Isolation” is when I see and notice myself experiencing being overwhelmed within the mind or going into points of stress, anxiety, or fearing to lose or face a possible point of 'failure' and not living up to a certain expectation or goal, I stop and ISOLATE the problem that I am facing so that I work through what is troubling me ONE POINT AT A TIME – thus I isolate the problems down to their actual components instead of trying to tackle them all at once and getting lose within the tangle of it all.

As I isolate the issues that I am facing to one by one direct and correct them, I stand as the solution before each individual point that I face – where I take what is causing conflict or friction or energetic fluctuations within me one point at a time, place the point before me, as me, and live the statement “I am the solution” instead of going into “isolation” of myself.

I commit myself to turning the moments that may lead to 'isolation' where I fail to slow down and work on what is actually here from moment to moment, breath by breath, point my point, I slow myself down and instead of becoming isolated by my unresolved issues, I isolate the issues and walk them one at a time – thus “I am Solution” instead of “Isolation”

I Give Up on Giving Up!

"Never never never give up" - Winston Churchill

 

At the moment I am experiencing a lot of mind-demon possession – where the points of back-chat that I have participated in for many years are now becoming prominent and manifest – and I am finding myself becoming all of the things that I have feared – becoming all of the things that I did not want to face and had suppressed within myself.

I have designed myself to be a very manipulative and deceptive person – and have honed my ability to abuse knowledge and information in order to influence others as well as to convince others into accepting me or giving me what I want. And while I have seen this point as well as identified aspects of it within my participation in this process and saw how I was still manipulating myself and deceiving myself as well as others, I did not actually apply myself in stopping, which has resulted in abuse and deliberate manipulation, which is unacceptable.

So it is obvious that I must make a decision and fucking stick to it – because I have made similar decisions – I have made similar commitments in the past – only to have fallen back on the point of undermining my self-will and allowing my back-chat to determine who I am and how I remain instead of actually directing myself within self-honesty and living the self-forgiveness.

It is not acceptable to have the tools to support myself and STOP the points that come up time and time again and not actually apply myself – to actually allow myself to remain limited when in fact I am aware of what I am doing, aware that I am allowing myself to diminish myself as life – deliberately harming myself and others by not taking responsibility and standing within self-honesty in each moment due to allowing my own fears to dominate me, allowing my own self-interest and immaturity to override directive principle.

In the end it all comes down to FEAR – because it is only within fear that back-doors exist. It is only within fear that I allow myself to remain limited and actually stand up and take responsibility – and this fear is the fear of losing my 'self' as what I have defined myself to be within and as my mental experience – my memories and self-definitions based on accumulated knowledge and information which is not and never will be REAL and will never actually be of substance of it's own.

The self that I have designed myself to be thus far is not acceptable and will only abuse life if allowed to continue – thus I must stop fucking around in this process and actually take responsibility for the harm that is done through me accepting abuse within myself and thus participating within abusing others in my dishonesty.

Within this the task is to completely redesign myself – completely change every aspect of myself so that all that I do accumulates to what is best for all – that all that I do comes from a starting point of self-honesty in consideration of oneness and equality – as any decision based on self-interest, based on my own private back-chat, is unacceptable.

It is unfortunate that I have diminished myself and compromised myself extensively– but within this I must humble myself and realize that there is no escaping what one deliberately participates in – this is not just about me and my existence within my own bubble – this is about LIFE and there is no room for fucking around. Thus I accept and embrace my responsibility and commit to never giving up, never allowing myself to succumb to the mind within walking away from this process. I commit to not allowing myself to stew within points for weeks, months, years without effectively directing myself – as that is simply not acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously not direct myself when I see points that are not acceptable within my participation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not actually apply myself within this process within full dedication

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not actually live my self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself within standing as the directive principle of my being, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite those who are walking this process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take for granted all who walk this process diligently and consistently without considering the fact that when I am not equally participating and applying myself I am in fact becoming a liability and misrepresentation to what desteni actually stands for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard my responsibility to change myself and stop my mind within self-interest and ego

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am my ego and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my self-definitions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within trying to assist others within separation and using knowledge and information instead of actually applying myself consistently and standing as my own point of authority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume a point of clarity/understanding of what it is to walk this process when in fact I have not personally fully dedicated myself to walking this process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compound points of self-dishonesty and self-abuse due to fear and resistance of actually facing who I am and what I have accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write self-forgiveness that was not actual forgiveness of self as self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand within humbleness and instead to project myself within ego and wanting validation as energy to satisfy a personality that was not self-content.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the simplicity of breathing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist walking my process starting over and letting go of all that I think I have accomplished within the realization that my standing has not been self-honest and thus cannot be trusted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist 'starting over', and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate a point of ego and self-definition of 'I should be further along than this'. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself within hiding behind knowledge and information as well as ego and self-interest in spite of understanding my responsibility.

What I see I require to accumulate is the point of self-direction and no longer allowing myself to participate in the mind in relation to thoughts of self-judgment and wanting to give up, and remaining self-honest and humble so that I do not abuse or manipulate in order to be something that I am not.

I take responsibility for the self that I have designed thus far and within this I commit myself to walking my process in humility – so that I am able to sort myself out and make certain that my accumulation is what is best for all by walking one step and one breath at a time to stabilize myself and re-establish self-trust.

I walk. I WILL myself to never ever give up or allow myself to remain within my points of self-sabotage and doubt. I will never give up on myself no matter what. I am not my mind. I am not my fears. I am not limitation. I WILL myself to birth myself HERE within and as the physical and I will keep standing back up if I fall until this is done.

I WILL myself to accumulate what is best for all in each decision that I make and re-align myself when/if i deviate into self-interest/fear.

I WILL myself to change FOREVER.

Stop Self-Doubt! Applying the equality equation and accumulating self-trust

There is so much to write about that for the last 10 minutes i have been writing sentences and paragraphs only to immediately delete them, having judged the words, the content, or the subject to be 'not good enough'.

so here I am going to take on the point/pattern within myself of doubting myself and allowing self to give up due to comparing myself to others or to an ideal that i have created within my mind.

this is a point that has been opening up for some time now and the more i allow myself to 'step into it' the more i am able to see it's design and the more effective i am in stopping and removing this pattern within myself.

the design of this system is such that i will often take on a new project and be very excited about it, and i will go into creating thoughts and projections and pictures of all the things i would want to accomplish within the project. what then occurs is i will be mesmerized by the picture and projected desire of what i want and then i will see that i am not at a stage where i am able to manifest that desire immediately.

what happens next is that i go into another form of projection, where instead of looking at all the cool things that i wanted, i go into a mode of fear and projecting myself into pictures and thoughts of messing things up and having wasted time and losing credibility with self and with others for not accomplishing something that i had said i would do. in having projected myself into this future failure, i then react to 'save' myself by stopping and giving up on the project so that i do not have to face the possibility of having to fall from a greater height.

this point of 'holding back' and 'waiting' is something that i see is incredibly limiting, as all things that spring from the mind-consciousness system are. specifically the point of 'holding back' and 'waiting' keep me in a self created downward spiral where i am constantly seeking the next big project to 'redeem myself' with, and then going into fear that i won't be able to 'pull it off', having already created an idea and desired result/outcome. and what happens within this kind of a loop is because i have the desire to redeem myself by finally pushing through and accomplishing something, i immediately go into memory of past attempts to 'redeem myself' and immediately the pressure builds, seeing that if i fail again this time, it would be another point where i have 'failed' and must have further 'redemption', which leads me to seek a bigger, better project with which to redeem myself through, and then the pattern repeats.

so the practical solution here is NOT to allow any points of giving up, and at the same time NOT participating or allowing any starting-point other than self-movement.

I see that in holding on to wanting to prove something of myself all i am doing is reiterating the fact that i am lacking and must prove myself, and from that starting point all that i do would be for the sake of getting the 'reward' of validation and redemption and would NOT be an act of actual self-movement and self-expression, thus it is doomed from the get-go to die out when the energy driving it dissipates.

so within this act of committing to write each and every day, i stand and i take this point on, and i clear myself of all desires and thoughts of wanting/needing to 'not mess up on this one' in order to redeem myself from my past and to validate who i am as an ego.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to write each and every day in order to prove that i am able to commit to something and see it through

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to keep up with writing each and every single day and fearing what people might think.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to write from a starting point of wanting to redeem myself and be validated by others.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within fears of not knowing what to write or not knowing if my writing is 'good enough'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to write for others in return for validation and acceptance instead of writing for and as self within self-dedication

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear missing a day of writing as a projected fear associated with me not being able to then 'redeem' myself.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to 'redeem' myself as my past

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seek attention and acceptance from others who walk with desteni and are taking on this point of daily writing

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to write what my mind/ego/personality deems to be fitting in order to gain validation and acceptance.

I STOP.

I do not allow myself to participate within trying to redeem myself through my daily writing

I write each day as a self-movement wherein I accumulate through time and consistency self-trust and self-will to do whatever it takes to stand by my words and principles.

I write each day to stabilize and support myself within clearing up the words that I write, the words that I speak, and the words that I live.

I write each day to assist and support myself in letting go of the mind and putting myself out and sharing my process within and as humility and humbleness, baring all points and all secrets.

I write each day as an act of self-care, exposing self to self and daring to actually hold myself accountable.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i require to be redeemed.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear my past and thus project my fears into the future

I establish for myself self-will each day as i write about what is here in my world, what is here within myself, and i correct myself and align myself to what is best for all as i write.

I apply myself within all that i do within the consideration of the equality equation of 1+1=2, accumulating with each breath, each day, what is best for all and expanding myself to reach my full potential in this life.

I stop giving up when things seem hard.
I stop giving up because I cannot immediately have things the way I want.
I stop demanding that things go the way I planned.
I let go of all fear that if things are not going well or things are not looking like the way i pictured then I am not doing it right and will eventually fail.

I walk no matter what, and I do not give up.

I shall apply this within all that I do - until it is done.