ISOLATION - Am I Too Late? Am I shunned?

Here I open up the point of 'isolation', where I will place myself into a point of self-pity and seclude myself from participating effectively within my world due to believing that I have made a mistake and that it is 'too late' for me to adjust and correct myself, and due to not wanting to again face the point of 'failure' make the 'decision' to just give up entirely and give in to the experience of 'failure'.

This happens most often when I have set up a particular expectation or idea about myself or about a certain task or goal that I would like to accomplish but end up not living up to my own expectation of it and thus creating the experience of being disappointed with myself – because I had set an 'appointment' of when I expected a certain thing to be done and that appointment had been missed – thus I dis-appoint myself.

So when I create an idea and set up an expectation and an 'appointment' for when and how a certain task or goal is to be done and then end up not living up to the expectation or missing that appointment, or in the example of having made a decision to get a certain task done and ending up not doing that task, I become 'disappointed' with myself and become angry with myself because I feel as though I have 'failed myself' and thus cannot and will not trust myself, and if I cannot trust myself then it is very easy to become emotionally manipulative with myself and create the justification/excuse that I simply 'cannot be trusted' or that 'I cannot do this' or that it is simply 'too late' and there is nothing that can be done to correct my mistakes or live up to the original expectation that I had of myself, because apparently it is no longer 'worth doing' since I wasn't able to do it the way I pictured it in my mind.

When this happens the point of 'isolation' manifests where I stop participating in my world and do not simply pick up where I see I made the initial mistake but rather go into a self-defeat pattern where I simply give up on everything – not just the original task or goal, but actually say 'fuck it all' within myself and give in to the point of depression and self-sabotage, and the longer I allow this point of self-sabotage the more energy I give to the mind as the very design of self-sabotage, and the more difficult it becomes to stand up again.

Here a vital point is missed where I do not stop and simply have a look at what it is that I am holding on to and allowing to limit and constrict me and why I am allowing myself take the failure personally. because as soon as I allow myself to take the point of failure personally and thus become disappointed with myself, I do not see the opportunity to realize and correct what I am participating in, and also I miss the point of realizing that when I have an 'expectation' of myself I am already in a point of separation and my actions/decisions are thus motivated by energy – where I am trying to get to some point outside of myself and chasing after an energetic experience where I can be 'satisfied' with myself if I complete this certain task or goal, which implies that I am currently NOT satisfied with myself.

When my starting point for doing a task or working toward a certain goal is energy and wanting to have some kind of 'payoff' at the end where I feel better about myself, my movement is no longer a self-movement as myself, but rather a point of energetic addiction – and thus when I am not moving myself as self-direction, I am allowing myself to be motivated by energy, which is never sustainable and will always 'run out', which leaves me with the experience of 'suddenly' not having the motivation to do and complete the task or goal and finding it more difficult to move myself and direct myself effectively, because the energetic 'payoff' seems so far away, and seems like so much work, and fearing that I will not get to that point of 'payoff' where I can then feel better about myself I become angry and disappointed with myself instead.

It is fascinating really because then there is the experience of feeling as though I have been 'cheated' when really I have simply been dishonest with myself and thus 'cheated' myself by placing more value within the expectation of completing something than the actual self-movement of me within my decision to do something – thus the 'value' as the energetic payoff of 'feeling better' about myself became my motivation and already within that I have separated myself from self-movement which is HERE in each breath.

Thus I support myself within this point of going into 'isolation' where I am “so late” that I end up getting angry with myself for not keeping my own 'appointments' and thus become disappointed with myself, and to further justify the self-abusive pattern by 'giving up' and going into an emotional reaction of hopelessness and helplessness as self-dishonesty when really the solution is as simple as taking a single breath, bringing myself back HERE, forgiving the pattern and the 'failure' and let go of the expectation and energetic 'payoff' as the reward, and simply move myself and do what is required to be done in each moment.

Self-Forgiveness On “Isolation”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and place value within getting certain tasks done or achieving certain goals as energetic rewards for me to 'feel better' about myself and thus make that energetic reward my motivation instead of moving myself without attachment to outcome or setting up 'appointments' as expectations which then lead to dis-appointment with myself when I experience myself as not having sufficient energy as motivation to get the task done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize how this very pattern of creating an energetic reward as my motivation to complete a task and to give up on myself and feel as though I have failed when I do not achieve the task or goal and thus go into the negative polarity experience of feeling 'low' and upset and frustrated with myself as a 'failure' is the EXACT same point that is playing out within the greater scale as the money system – where each day billions of people work themselves to a point of exhaustion and stress in order to get to the promised 'payoff' in the form of money – and those who do not receive sufficient pay will soon lose 'motivation' or will feel inadequate or inferior within irrational self-judgment and not see that when energy as emotional experiences of happiness or 'contentment' or energy as financial reward in the form of money are the starting point for ANYTHING that one does, one is not in fact moving as self-direction or self-expression and thus will eventually reach a point of 'crash' where one does not have enough energy/money to continue because both money and energy in this world are self-consuming and never sustainable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create value and attach emotional experiences of 'happiness' and 'self-contentment' within completing certain tasks or achieving certain goals and to NOT see within this how I am in fact setting myself up for the negative polarity experience when the energetic 'reward' dissipates and I am left with the opposite polarity of feeling unworthy and unsatisfied, as though I can never actually be satisfied – which would be true because as long as satisfaction is based on energy and not based on actual self-living as self-satisfaction, the 'experience' of satisfaction will always be fleeting and will always create the polarity experience of dissatisfaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become disappointed with myself when I do not accomplish a task or achieve a goal or live up to an expectation that I have set up for myself and to thus take the 'failure' personally and abuse myself within self-judgment that leads to me 'giving up' on myself because I blame myself for the 'mistake' and 'failure' when 'failure' does not in fact exist other than within the context of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the experience of self-defeat and wanting to 'give up' and feeling as thought there is too much pressure and resistance to walk through is just as addictive as the experience of 'happiness' and 'contentment' for having accomplished something which I have given value to outside of myself – and thus it is just as easy to become addicted to failure as it is to becoming obsessive about success – and in fact the two points feed and compound each other as polarities of the same basic point – where I am not living and being the self-value and self-movement but rather allowing myself to be moved and motivated by addiction to energy – whether it is the energy of 'success' and creating the experience of 'happiness' within me, or the energy of 'failure' where I create the experience of 'disappointment'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a slave to energy and to be taken on polarity shifts from happiness and self-contentment to depression and disappointment instead of standing stable within each breath and moving myself one breath at a time and aligning myself with the actual physical movement and participation of me, directing myself as my self-expression and not allowing myself to compromise my self-movement for energetic experiences of 'happiness' or addiction to the energy of self-judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as I notice I have not done a task or achieved a goal to my satisfaction, abuse myself and give in to the energetic 'payoff' of 'failure' and throwing a tantrum and saying within myself 'fuck it' and for the rest of the day sinking into depression and distracting myself with entertainment or other stimulation to further feed and compound the experience of 'failure' which only strengthens the hold of the mind consciousness system.

Self Correction -

I commit myself to STOP beating myself up within my backchat and going into self-created experiences of disappointment and 'failure' when I do not live up to an expectation that was set up based on the energetic addictions of the mind by bringing myself back HERE when I notice myself going into a point of self-judgment or isolation where I want to say, or am already saying within me “fuck it all, I already fucked it up” and to STOP myself by letting go of my previous expectation and letting go of any ideas or beliefs about what I might 'get' as a reward for living up to the expectation of the mind because who I am as my self-expression and self-movement requires NO reward or motivation outside of myself.

I commit myself to move myself effectively within the tasks that I do and the commitments that I make by moving myself breath by breath and to adjust and correct myself accordingly within practical considerations of time and priorities and do not allow myself to give in to backchat or self-abuse if a point does not line up according to the demands of the mind because I simply breathe, let go, and start again from that breath as though that was the very first moment of a new commitment – and walk that new commitment until it is done.

I commit myself to align myself effectively within moving at the pace of breath – where I am not rushing or creating expectations projected into the future where I am already attached to a certain outcome or potential 'reward' and factoring those experiences as valid when in fact they are not here and I require to do the necessary work in order to manifest those outcomes.

I commit myself to stopping the pattern of i-so-late-tion where because I did not complete a task or achieve a certain goal that I have set within my mind I go into the excuse and backchat of “I'm so late” and thus it is 'too late' to do what I initially intended to do and thus I should just give up and 'spare myself' the further failure of trying to recover what has been apparently 'lost' when in fact there is no such thing as being 'too late' and I am at all times able to simply BREATHE and move myself again. 

I commit myself to stop fucking myself within seeing and realizing that when I allow the words "fuck it" to exist within me, I am the one who is being fucked within me giving in to and abdicating myself to the mind which will NOT be merciful or forgiving when I give into ideas and beliefs of failure and giving up - where whatever I allow myself to fuck myself with becomes compounded and thus more difficult to actual walk through and transcend.

Defining the Word “Isolation”

1. An act or instance of isolating.
2. the state of being isolated.
3. the complete separation from others of a person suffering from contagious or infectious disease; quarantine.
4. the separation of a nation from other nations by isolationism.

Root word - “Isolate”

1. To set or place apart; detach or separate so as to be alone.

Sounding of the Words “Isolation” “Isolate”

“I'm So Late, I'm Shunned”

“I'm So Late”

Here I see how I have lived the words 'isolation' and 'isolate' – where I detach and stop participating with the world – stop being a part of my actual environment and attempt to 'quarantine' myself away from others due to judging myself as being inferior and 'unworthy', where I attempt to hide myself from others due to the shame and fear of having to face the point of failure again if I do decide to stand up again.

Thus when the point of “I'm So Late” comes up as a reaction to failure and disappointment with myself, this pattern becomes triggered and instead of participating with the world and making the necessary corrections, I try to hide from the world because I am actually trying to hide from myself, and thus fear that if I do participate with the world the world may 'see' the fear and disappointment and self-judgment within me – hence the defense mechanism of isolation where I break away from the world and attempt to sort myself out or at least not 'infect' others while I impose my self-quarantine through self-judgment.

Redefining the word “Isolation”

How I will live and apply the word “Isolation” is when I see and notice myself experiencing being overwhelmed within the mind or going into points of stress, anxiety, or fearing to lose or face a possible point of 'failure' and not living up to a certain expectation or goal, I stop and ISOLATE the problem that I am facing so that I work through what is troubling me ONE POINT AT A TIME – thus I isolate the problems down to their actual components instead of trying to tackle them all at once and getting lose within the tangle of it all.

As I isolate the issues that I am facing to one by one direct and correct them, I stand as the solution before each individual point that I face – where I take what is causing conflict or friction or energetic fluctuations within me one point at a time, place the point before me, as me, and live the statement “I am the solution” instead of going into “isolation” of myself.

I commit myself to turning the moments that may lead to 'isolation' where I fail to slow down and work on what is actually here from moment to moment, breath by breath, point my point, I slow myself down and instead of becoming isolated by my unresolved issues, I isolate the issues and walk them one at a time – thus “I am Solution” instead of “Isolation”

WORDS and the Power of Self Creation

At the moment I am investigating the point of words and how words are the actual 'programming language' that we use to script ourselves as the information that we are existing as. At the moment the human is a programmed biological robot that functions on information as words – which we use to define ourselves by and create the inner landscape of our minds with – and it is these words and the networks of information and pictures associated with these words that become our actual reality through our acceptance and allowance and participation with the thoughts, feelings, emotions, and pictures we attach to the words that are used as the 'language of self'.

We can see this illustrated in the very first verse in the gospel of John from the “holy” bible -

“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.” John 1:1

My understanding of this is that WORDS are the prime 'building block' of creation – they are the symbols used within the language of universal programming – meaning words are not just letters put together and then given a definition and sound to in order for people to communicate – because 'words' exist within us as thoughts – as the actual spark from which creation flows – so in the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word WAS God... and still is – because words create who we are and shape our reality.

When one is not aware of the words that we are using and what contexts we have associated to these words, we are in essence allowing ourselves to be directed by entire scripts of information that have been accumulated through the years of our conditioning by family, society, media, culture, and the very nature of the mind consciousness systems that exist within and as us – and these networks of pictures and meanings and definitions as well as memories and experiences that are attached to the words of our vocabulary – the words that we use within ourselves when we 'think' and make decisions or come to realizations or conclusions – determine the outflows and specificity of the 'script' we are living as Living Words. Thus the definitions we are accepting and holding on to when it comes to the words that we program ourselves by and 'think' with determine the quality and nature of what we end up executing as our 'program' or 'script'.

In having a look at how we treat words and how we are taught words from childhood we see that we are not actually shown practical applications for words or for implementing effective definitions that are able to be lived in a way that supports us within our lives to make better decisions – rather we color the words we learn with unnecessary and cumbersome definitions often loaded with emotional, experiential, ethical/moral, or opinion based information that is not actually effective when it comes to how we live these words and how we use these words within our self-creation.

For example we can look at the word “honor”. One is able to go to a dictionary and look up the word “honor” for the literal definition of the word – but we are not taught that definition – most of us did not learn the word “honor” based on a practical and consistently applicable definition – rather we see things being described as “honorable” or we are taught to associate a certain feeling or emotional response as the sense of “honor” - and so we attach our own 'meanings' and our own definitions to this word and everybody has developed their own set of pictures, thoughts, opinions, beliefs, and experiences in relation to this word “honor” - which is why when we ask several people to specifically define 'honor' they do not give a clear and consistent definition like we see in the dictionary – rather they will share what they have attributed 'honor' with and will perhaps 'describe' honor through those pictures and beliefs in order to communicate to you their definition of the word as how they live that word as themselves and the information they are currently existing as.

Thus it is important that we develop effectiveness and awareness within the words that we use and the definitions we give them because they are the words that we live, and the words that we live – the words that we accept as ourselves – are the building block of not only our own lives but of this very existence – because we are all, in a collective fashion, scripting this entire experience and if we are accepting and allowing definitions of words within us that do not support life or have been loaded with pictures and beliefs that lead one towards behaviors and patterns of destructiveness, abuse, or diminishment, then such events become part of the lived reality within this world.

For example, I am here looking at the word “mistake” and how within my life I have associated and attached so many ideas and definitions to the word that now by simply thinking the word 'mistake', automatically the network of associations and attachments come up

What is a mistake?

Firstly when I have a look at the word itself I must trace it back to the original points of attachment that I have associated to this word, because it is these associations and definitions that come up and become part of my actual experience of myself whenever I 'make a mistake' within my life – and based on how I have defined the word mistake and what pictures, emotions, feelings, beliefs, and memories I have associated to this word “mistake”, I will accordingly experience myself as well as make further decisions or go into specific reactions to this experience of 'mistake'.

For much of my life I have carried a negative and diminishing kind of definition to the word 'mistake' , such as -

1. Memories of being punished as a child when I did something 'bad'
2. Judging others for making 'mistakes'
3. Fearing to make mistakes because I do not want others to judge me the way I judge others
4. Believing that others see me as my mistakes and judge me for them
5. Believing that mistakes are “wrong” and not acceptable and are to be ashamed of
6. Believing that I am going to have to face punishment for my mistakes
7. Memories of believing self to be a 'bad person' or that something is wrong with me if I make a 'mistake'.

So here already one can see the many layers and experiences that can be attached and associated to a word, and when that word 'activates' within one's reality the entire 'network' of associations also come up within one's experience of self.

Lately I had the experience of being in a point of constant self diminishment and a sense of 'heaviness' within me that seemed to persist no matter what – and I saw that I was carrying within myself judgments and emotions and memories that were 'anchored' to the word “mistake” and “failure” - which have been words that I have heavily associated to negative experiences within and as myself as the definition of those words, as how I was living those words – which manifested within my world the experiences of heaviness, self defeat, wanting to give up, and memories within my life tied to emotional experiences of anger, frustration, and depression.

So to support myself I applied the tools within the Desteni I Process where we take the words we are currently living and applying specific self forgiveness and self corrective applications along with giving the words a 'new definition' that is no longer charged with polarity and judgments but rather become practical, common sense, and supportive words as part of the language of our programming – and in doing so I am already noticing an effect in terms of me effectively stopping the pattern of self judgment and self defeat where before I may have lingered for a long time within the experiences tied to the words “mistake” and “failure” and wallowed within those definitions as myself instead of getting to the point of effective self support and self correction and installing a 'new program' instead of running the same old pattern that has proven itself to be ineffective, unsupportive, and loaded with self diminishment, which leads to the experience and result of self diminishment instead of self correction and expansion.

So I definitely suggest that one investigate the words that one is living and to effectively support self within purifying the living words that we exist as, and as we do this we change ourselves as well as change the definitions we are accepting and allowing within our world and our reality – because as mentioned before we learn these words and take on these definitions often through the examples and acceptances of others which we then take on for ourselves – so we as stand and purify the words that we live and live that new definition, we offer that same redefinition and self-expansion to others as ourselves – and together we are able to re-write the script of this reality into one that supports all.

Desteni Artwork by Damian Ledesma

I Give Up on Giving Up!

"Never never never give up" - Winston Churchill

 

At the moment I am experiencing a lot of mind-demon possession – where the points of back-chat that I have participated in for many years are now becoming prominent and manifest – and I am finding myself becoming all of the things that I have feared – becoming all of the things that I did not want to face and had suppressed within myself.

I have designed myself to be a very manipulative and deceptive person – and have honed my ability to abuse knowledge and information in order to influence others as well as to convince others into accepting me or giving me what I want. And while I have seen this point as well as identified aspects of it within my participation in this process and saw how I was still manipulating myself and deceiving myself as well as others, I did not actually apply myself in stopping, which has resulted in abuse and deliberate manipulation, which is unacceptable.

So it is obvious that I must make a decision and fucking stick to it – because I have made similar decisions – I have made similar commitments in the past – only to have fallen back on the point of undermining my self-will and allowing my back-chat to determine who I am and how I remain instead of actually directing myself within self-honesty and living the self-forgiveness.

It is not acceptable to have the tools to support myself and STOP the points that come up time and time again and not actually apply myself – to actually allow myself to remain limited when in fact I am aware of what I am doing, aware that I am allowing myself to diminish myself as life – deliberately harming myself and others by not taking responsibility and standing within self-honesty in each moment due to allowing my own fears to dominate me, allowing my own self-interest and immaturity to override directive principle.

In the end it all comes down to FEAR – because it is only within fear that back-doors exist. It is only within fear that I allow myself to remain limited and actually stand up and take responsibility – and this fear is the fear of losing my 'self' as what I have defined myself to be within and as my mental experience – my memories and self-definitions based on accumulated knowledge and information which is not and never will be REAL and will never actually be of substance of it's own.

The self that I have designed myself to be thus far is not acceptable and will only abuse life if allowed to continue – thus I must stop fucking around in this process and actually take responsibility for the harm that is done through me accepting abuse within myself and thus participating within abusing others in my dishonesty.

Within this the task is to completely redesign myself – completely change every aspect of myself so that all that I do accumulates to what is best for all – that all that I do comes from a starting point of self-honesty in consideration of oneness and equality – as any decision based on self-interest, based on my own private back-chat, is unacceptable.

It is unfortunate that I have diminished myself and compromised myself extensively– but within this I must humble myself and realize that there is no escaping what one deliberately participates in – this is not just about me and my existence within my own bubble – this is about LIFE and there is no room for fucking around. Thus I accept and embrace my responsibility and commit to never giving up, never allowing myself to succumb to the mind within walking away from this process. I commit to not allowing myself to stew within points for weeks, months, years without effectively directing myself – as that is simply not acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously not direct myself when I see points that are not acceptable within my participation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not actually apply myself within this process within full dedication

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not actually live my self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself within standing as the directive principle of my being, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite those who are walking this process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take for granted all who walk this process diligently and consistently without considering the fact that when I am not equally participating and applying myself I am in fact becoming a liability and misrepresentation to what desteni actually stands for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard my responsibility to change myself and stop my mind within self-interest and ego

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am my ego and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my self-definitions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within trying to assist others within separation and using knowledge and information instead of actually applying myself consistently and standing as my own point of authority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume a point of clarity/understanding of what it is to walk this process when in fact I have not personally fully dedicated myself to walking this process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compound points of self-dishonesty and self-abuse due to fear and resistance of actually facing who I am and what I have accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write self-forgiveness that was not actual forgiveness of self as self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand within humbleness and instead to project myself within ego and wanting validation as energy to satisfy a personality that was not self-content.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the simplicity of breathing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist walking my process starting over and letting go of all that I think I have accomplished within the realization that my standing has not been self-honest and thus cannot be trusted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist 'starting over', and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate a point of ego and self-definition of 'I should be further along than this'. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself within hiding behind knowledge and information as well as ego and self-interest in spite of understanding my responsibility.

What I see I require to accumulate is the point of self-direction and no longer allowing myself to participate in the mind in relation to thoughts of self-judgment and wanting to give up, and remaining self-honest and humble so that I do not abuse or manipulate in order to be something that I am not.

I take responsibility for the self that I have designed thus far and within this I commit myself to walking my process in humility – so that I am able to sort myself out and make certain that my accumulation is what is best for all by walking one step and one breath at a time to stabilize myself and re-establish self-trust.

I walk. I WILL myself to never ever give up or allow myself to remain within my points of self-sabotage and doubt. I will never give up on myself no matter what. I am not my mind. I am not my fears. I am not limitation. I WILL myself to birth myself HERE within and as the physical and I will keep standing back up if I fall until this is done.

I WILL myself to accumulate what is best for all in each decision that I make and re-align myself when/if i deviate into self-interest/fear.

I WILL myself to change FOREVER.