The Road to Giving Up Is Paved With WHINING

Whining is where one builds up a case - builds up a sales pitch - and eventually convinces self and gets self to 'buy into' the 'product' for the mind to consume - whining is where one creates and layers excuses and justifications to not do something or face something or take responsibility for something directly -thus whining is the actual first step toward sabotage - toward giving up - toward giving in to that point of consumerism and buying the product that has been marketed, advertised, and sold for profit - but in this case the 'product' that you convince yourself to 'buy' is the product of laziness - the product of getting a temporary relief or a temporary moment of stimulation in the mind where you apparently 'win' and get to have a nice experience within yourself, the product of self-diminishment - and in this transaction who gets the profit? It certainly is not YOU - but rather the 'profit' - the energy that you willingly gave up as part of yourself - went to the mind to create and sustain that experience of "Yay, I got what I wanted" and once the energy is consumed and the experience ends - you are faced with a peculiar problem - you are still having to face and deal with the point that originally presented itself - the point that you initially reacted to and went into resistance toward and then talked yourself out of by selling yourself an experience. So now that the 'product' has been consumed you realize that nothing has actually changed - and now you may find that you have less conviction - less motivation - less SUBSTANCE because you had previously allowed yourself to give in to the resistances and buy the 'easy way out' and try to escape from responsibility only to find that instead you diminished your own self-trust and self-integrity.

An example of this 'whining' tactic that I have observed within myself goes as follows -

Say there is a point that I see I require to direct and take responsibility for. This points requires that I set aside my personal preferences and addictions and that I commit within my responsibility to do something that I, out of self-interest, prefer not to do and have defined as something that is "not fun" and something that is "not worth the time" because I could be doing other, more "fun" things.

Begrudgingly, I then 'deal with it' by going through the motions of what I require to do, doing just the bare minimum - just enough so that I can still tell myself that I am 'really doing it' - yet in my backchat I am still whining - still building up the sales pitch - still telling myself:

"I will get to have fun once this is over with"

"Just get through this... just do the bare requirements... and then go right back to having fun."

"Man, this is stupid... this isn't going to work, but I'm going to TRY.... I will try a little."

At this point I am moving myself mechanically within the point - but here I have NOT made my commitment clear. I have NOT worked through the actual resistances and the actual backchat involved. Here I am already setting myself up for 'failure' because I am not in fact walking what is required to be walked as an actual expression and statement of me - rather I am doing it to 'get something' - which is to be able to, eventually, once I have sabotaged the point sufficiently and can say that this point is just 'not working', I will get to QUIT and GIVE UP because my commitment was never in fact clear in the first place, and thus any excuse - any justification - any 'sales pitch' that I can sell to myself, I will then buy into as my way out.

Back to the example - having gotten my toes wet within a new commitment or taking on a point of responsibility that I am doing begrudgingly and NOT as an actual commitment to self - the backchat will begin to get more and more devious and self-manipulative:

"Okay cool... it looks like I'm doing what I require to do... I am meeting the bare requirements... at least now THEY can't say that I didn't try."

"Man, I can't wait to STOP doing this... this is so much work... this is NOT what I want to be doing."

"Man I am being such a champ... I am being such a good, hard working, dedicated person.... look how long I have lasted so far... look how 'committed' I have been... so this had better be WORTH IT or else!"

"This is NOT working! I am doing what I need to do... I am making myself go through with it and put up with it and deal with it but it is NOT working! What's the point of this if it isn't going to work and I am GIVING UP my time, my focus, my energy, when I could be enjoying myself?"

"It is NOT my fault! Every time it is always just not working out no matter what I DO."

"I KNEW IT! God I was so stupid. I should have quit a long time ago. Obviously it wasn't going to work anyway. I don't even WANT to do that anymore. I gave it my best shot... I gave it my time, and I 'sacrificed' so much. The 'smart' thing to do now is 'cut my losses' and end this and stop WASTING MY TIME."

And voila! The sales pitch sinks in and the reason/justification is accepted and now I am able to QUIT and GIVE UP on the point - not seeing and realizing that from the very beginning - from the very starting-point - the commitment was NOT clear and thus I deliberately allowed backchat and self-manipulation through whining and complaining and thus creating the very context for my own 'giving up' - making a big show along the way of how hard it is, how difficult it is, how much work it is, how much I am 'giving up'... so that once the point has been sufficiently sabotaged, I can point at the big show that I made and say:

"But look! I did try. I did everything I was supposed to do. Now this means it didn't work. I mean, the best thing to do now is to stop - because continuing is just not going to work."

This is how the whining tactic comes full circle and becomes a self-fulfilling 'prophecy', the profit-see, as we profit-seek instead of realize actual value - where we buy into the quick fix and get to have an immediate experience instead of dedicate ourselves to building, shaping, slowly but surely, something that will last far longer than the brief burst of energy - where we sell ourselves out and pave the way for our own giving up and ensuring that we remain diminished instead of pushing ourselves past our own self-created fears and addictions to be able to see who we REALLY are when we are not directed by fears, backchat, resistances, but actually moving ourselves.

So, whenever one makes a commitment and is aligning oneself within a new responsibility or is in the process of establishing a new job, relationship, or change in one's life or living patterns, the STARTING POINT must be clear and the commitment and decision to walk that change must be absolute - otherwise the whiner tactic will start picking away at the weaknesses of one's character and will use one's own self-dishonesty and self-interest against self.

When one sees and notices this point of the "Whiner", which can in a way be seen as a 'salesman' in one's own mind that is trying to earn his next bonus - one is able to immediately stop and realize that one is paving the way forward to failure - to giving up - and to giving the 'salesman' his sales bonus at our own expense.

Here, self-forgiveness on the 'whiner' tactic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to and believe that the 'whiner' voices within me that complain and whine and make a big deal out of doing things that I have committed and made a decision to do are who I am, and that the reasoning and logic of those whiner voices must be the reasoning and logic of me - when in fact such voices are simply representations and manifestations of self-interest where I have not cleared up my starting-point within a commitment or decision and will thus 'talk to me' and 'speak to me' in thoughts and pictures of whining and complaining so that eventually I will manifest and make real my own point of self-doubt, self-compromise, and secret desire to 'give up' instead of following through on my commitments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear actually doing what I decide and commit to do within what I see is best for all and will be a choice/commitment that will honor and support me in being and becoming a trustworthy, effective, and self-motivated person that can stand as a point of change within this world, and thus giving myself backdoors to sabotage myself so that I do not in fact reach my highest potential simply because I have not cleared up my starting-point - have not actually understood the implications of my commitment and my decision, and the consequences of what I will end up creating as my life if I continue allowing myself to fall.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT stop the whiner within me and thus allow myself to listen to the sales pitches of the 'salesman' that is my self-interest and ego not wanting to lose it's biggest customer and willing to do and say anything to make his sale, and to believe that the whining and complaining must be who I am because it is coming from 'me', and seems to be using a voice and thoughts and pictures that have always seemed to be a 'part of me', so thus this 'salesman' must really know intimately who I am and what is best for me - and NOT see or consider until now that I have based an entire life on the deals from this salesman - so much so that I have taken the sales-pitches as backchat on as my own thoughts, my own feelings, my own desires, and thus not actually question the deal that I am making.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I am implementing a point that I have not mastered or working on something that requires discipline and consistency in order to practically build something that will in fact last and be of actual support and value to me, not trust myself and not stick to the clarity of my decision and commitment and thus allow myself to be talked into giving up on something simply because I am not able to see and touch the results without first walking the necessary time and commitment, and thus believe that the results will not be there since they are not here now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to whine and complain within myself instead of STOPPING and realizing that there is a salesman in my mind that is reflecting and showing me my doubts and my fears and my uncertainties - thus it is not to allow myself to give in to the temptation and allow myself to be enticed to give up and not face those points, but rather to walk through those points - utilizing the resistances and the backchat as an indication that my standing is not absolute and therefore requires my direction and attention.

I commit myself to, when and as there is a decision and commitment that I have made and as I am walking this commitment I am see/notice myself complaining that it is hard or it is not working or that I am wasting my time and looking stupid - to STOP and clear up my starting point within making that commitment and decision in the first place and stick to the point that is best for all especially when this decision brings up conflict within me and I am wanting to give up and thus deny myself the gift of self-movement and developing actual self-trust as I shed away the layers of self-definition and self-interest and step back into the LIFE that I am.

I commit myself to, when and as I see/notice myself dramatizing a point and complaining to myself or others that something is hard or not working or just too much while I begrudgingly still do the bare minimum, I STOP and realize that if a point is in fact not working and not practical then I simply stop and there is no debate necessary about it and I simply change and adjust my participation. But if I am experiencing conflict and resistances within a point and yet I am still dragging and pulling myself in it and whining about it, then I am deliberately manipulating myself by NOT giving myself clarity and am paving the way for eventually giving up instead of being directive within what I am doing.

I commit myself to, for such points where I am complaining and whining, slow down and reveal for myself what I am setting myself up for in making such claims, and how/why it is that I am working against myself to sabotage myself - and what it is that I fear to actually face and walk through or let go of, what it is that I fear to embrace and become and change, that I am now whining and complaining about and setting myself up to give up on, and seeing for myself whether it is in fact worth it to give up, knowing that I will eventually have to come back to face this exact point - this exact question again, and perhaps be in a situation that is not as stable or supportive as the one I am currently in - and if I give up now and I do end up in this point again, would I be self-honestly okay with myself and my decision to give up in this moment now?

Self Support to Push Through Writing and Procrastination Backchat

 Joe Kou
3/05/2012
stoppingjoekou.blogspot.com/2012/03/self-support-to-push-through-writing.html

Lately I have been facing a point of heavy resistance to writing as well as keeping up with scheduled tasks and projects that I have taken on for myself, and I noticed that the longer it took for me to finally push myself and simply do what needs to be done, the harder it became to actually do so – because by then I had already given my ego/mind/backchat PLENTY of 'wiggle room' to dig in and start creating layer after layer of excuses and justifications that would conveniently 'explain' away why I was not in fact doing what I had decided for myself to do (see more of this in my previous blog on 'excuses' for further perspective on how we create excuses and ask 'why' instead of 'how').

So knowing already that this mechanism of 'excuses, excuses' is at play here I was able to see that if I continued to procrastinate or participate in the pity party that was busy going on within me where I would sink into a kind of 'funk' and then want to bury myself underneath the layers of self judgment and excuses, I would eventually hit a point where it would simply become 'too much' and would likely lead to me becoming possessed and creating/playing out a situation in my life that would not be pleasant and that I would never be able to undo once I had gone 'that far' (check out the “Life Review” series Eqafe for perspective).

In my life there have been plenty of times where I would see I required to direct something or that I would have to be patient and diligent with a point that I was busy developing, but would fall into points of procrastination and self doubt and then would come the layers of shame and self judgment and layer after layer I would add on more reasons and justifications and excuses as to why I was 'not able' to do what I initially set out to do – and then comes the 'icing on the cake' which is the backchat of

“I knew better! I shouldn't be doing this because I already KNEW this would happen. Now look at the mess I made!”

Yes we seem to always KNOW but in the moment when that realization first comes, when we see “Okay, this is a point that I have looked at before and if I do not support myself now I KNOW I will regret it because I can see within common sense the end result of allowing this participation” THAT is the moment where we must immediately live and apply our self honesty and correct ourselves – because KNOWING is not enough and in fact will only bite us in the ass – because we will have to correct and forgive the deliberate self-abuse of not correcting ourselves and establishing our directive principle when we 'had the chance'.

So back again to the resistance to writing and effective time management – what I saw was a 'buildup' of points that began with me allowing the thought of 'this is too much' and then allowing myself to become overwhelmed and accepting that 'overwhelmed' experience to direct me instead of slowing down then and there and realizing that only the mind is able to be 'overwhelmed' – and that if I simply breathe and move myself from one point to the other there is nothing to be 'overwhelmed' by because I would realize that I cannot do MORE than what I can practically do in each moment, and if I am directing myself and breathing effectively in each moment there is no point in 'wanting to get MORE done'.

Now as this buildup of experiencing 'overwhelmed-ness' continued, so did the backchat – because not only had I allowed this thought to direct me, I allowed the back-door to be left wide open for self-abuse and self judgment where I would add on more and more layers of reaction such as “God, I am really fucking this up – I should have been DONE with this last week and now I will have to spend so much time catching up!” or “Fuck, I am such a loser – I can't get anything done and nothing ever works out right” - and as these points of self-abusive backchat continued I found myself only becoming more angry and upset with myself within this, only continued to FEED the backchat even more because now I was actually making the statement that I AM this backchat and that I am giving it my attention and energy and thus keeping it alive within me to such a point where it would actually LIVE through and as me and actually become who I am if I do not stop myself.

So looking at this further in terms of how to more effectively support myself to stop this pattern within me, I see that a key here would be to identify HOW I am sabotaging myself, discover what the 'game' is that is busy being played within my mind which is generating energy in the form of anger, reactions, self judgment, etc., and having identified the points to immediately move myself within the point of correction – meaning to immediately stand within myself, stop the reactions, stop the backchat, apply self forgiveness, and DO that which I initially set out to do and here a vital point that I am adding to my application is to STOP ALLFURTHER BACKCHAT!!! Because it is really pointless to identify the point, release the point, move on and start doing what requires to be done in the moment, but then go straight back into and as the mind as backchat to allow yet ANOTHER thought to compound and restart the whole cycle again.

Thus -

I see and realize that procrastination and participation in backchat and emotional reactions such as anger and irritation which often is projected AT my environment or people around me that I am in fact activating and participating in the game of “excuses, excuses” wherein I am allowing myself to be directed by the excuses and justifications that are created as a 'defense mechanism' to not actually face a point which I am resisting.

Within this I realize that having 'gone this far' means I did not stop myself at the 'trigger point' where the initial thought/reaction occurred within me and in that moment allowed the thought/reaction to 'sink in' and grow/compound as backchat which then possessed me. Thus to practically support myself when I see/notice myself having gone to the point of procrastinating on a point and then finding excuses or going into self judgment and frustration, or allowing myself to become 'overwhelmed' or 'too busy' with other points which are actually self-manipulation tactics to keep myself 'distracted', I will STOP immediately, release the built up energy by breathing, taking a shower, or finding a way to effectively support myself and bring myself back HERE and when I am satisfied that I am stable, I will adjust my practical living, make practical plans and schedules based on what I self-honestly see myself able to do with the time that I have in my days, and DO what requires doing and while making this correction STOP all backchat that may pop up again as part of the previous system design.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to be diligent and directive within my tasks and that if I make a mistake, miscalculate, or end up requiring more time than I had anticipated, then the point is to make corrections and communicate the point to those who may be depending on/waiting on my work/contribution/participation and ensure that I am moving effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and participate in emotional reactions and energy as backchat and internal 'experiences' which I give my attention to and accept as 'who I am' as an 'experience' of me instead of realizing that I am HERE and that I do not require to judge myself or experience anything within me that is not self directed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I make a mistake or when I miscalculate or when I end up not being able to immediately do a task quickly and effectively, than I should judge myself and go into energetic self-manipulation because I am 'guilty' and should 'feel bad' for what I had 'failed to do' and to take that experience of 'failure' personally as though it were real when all that I required to do was breathe and correct what requires to be corrected, and move on, and within this stop feeding the mind/backchat and stop giving away my time and energy to self-abuse and diminishment.

This is important because the time we have here in our physical reality is limited from the perspective of each of us having only so much 'time' in our physical bodies due to the way we have been participating within the mind and therelationship that has developed over the years between our physicalbody and the mind consciousness systems within us – thus it is vital that we utilize our time to the utmost effectiveness and not allow ourselves to be bogged down by backchat where there is so much we are able to do when we are here as BREATH.

So if we are having a difficult time with a particular point and finding ourselves procrastinating and diminishing or if we are just having one of those 'shitty days' where everything seems to go wrong and one just wants to 'give up' and collapse and let it all 'go to hell', rather push ourselves to STOP and not create any more hell within ourselves – because the hell within ourselves is becoming the hell we see in the world – as within, so without.

Ok – so applying this for myself and flagging the trigger point of thoughts in relation to 'this is not working' or 'this is too much', so that I stop myself in those moments instead of only stopping when the trigger has been 'pulled' and I am already at the stage of procrastination and reaction and playing the game 'excuses, excuses'.

For more perspective on effectively identifying these points and applying self-forgiveness and self-corrective application join us at http://desteni.org for discussion and feedback.

Bringing it back to Self - AGAIN

Earlier today I deleted a blog post that i had written in which i wrote about my experience within reacting to Lindsay and my experience within going into 'lockdown'. It was clear that i had written that blog in a state of energy and was in a point of justification/blame toward Lindsay, and that the writing was not self-directed or self-supportive, and was more a point of venting frustration and projecting.

In that blog i see that i was not directing myself within actual self-support within and as my words. the blog itself was not clear and at some point i had actually began to fall asleep - there are words and phrases there which make absolutely no sense.

the tone of the blog itself was that of blaming Lindsay and also a point of self-judgment. as i continued the writing i became more and more tired, and ended up having to 'abandon' the blog and posted it without having gotten myself clear and did not look at the words that i had placed, and did not take responsibility in that moment to not place words that are of the mind- words that are not clear self-support in consideration for what is best for all.

in the morning, i awoke and there was a trembling all over my body for a while. i breathed and after some time the trembling was gone. lindsay and i spoke on the point of me having placed that blog and i saw it was NOT cool to have posted it, and that it was NOT a self-honest, self-supportive writing. also, in the writing i had spoken about Lindsay not being 'patient' and not 'supporting me' from a point of projection and blame - which is not the actual truth.

thus, the blog post was deleted.

since that moment i have had a resistance blogging - having doubts of writing clearly and having points of self judgment and guilt for having posted that previous blog - not wanting to expose that this is indeed what had happened.

tonight when Lindsay and I chatted the point came up of me not having blogged, and i went into a reaction - as i saw in that moment how in the 'back of my mind' i had been having a resistance to blogging and that i had a point of self-judgment and guilt over the previous blog.
______________________________________________________________________

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within self-judgment in relation to the point of having placed a blog that was written from a starting-point of energy and blame.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am the energetic experience of guilt and self-judgment

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within procrastination in order to 'put off' the point of blogging

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to, in that moment last night when i was seeing that i was not clear and was falling asleep, not support myself to stop writing in that very moment

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to post words that are not clear and self-directed within a point of ego - wanting to 'push through' the point of falling asleep and wanting to 'prove' that i am 'stronger' than my tiredness

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to strain myself as the physical within not supporting myself when i see that i am tired.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to this point of guilt within and as myself and to further compound a point of resisting writing, not trusting myself to support myself within writing.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge the writing itself to be something that i have to 'push through'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i 'do not know what to write about' as an excuse to not write what is HERE

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compare my writing to others and judging my writing as not being 'effective enough' - and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not able to write as effectively

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to be 'as good as the others' instead of sticking to self-writing as self-support and unconditional sharing.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to put my writing tonight off within procrastination in order to not have to face this point of judgment and guilt, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that judgment and guilt are valid experiences.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself within the experience of self-judgment and guilt in order to not take responsibility for myself.

I STOP. I do not allow myself to post writing that is clear and self-directed. I am able to write and clear myself and it is okay to write out the mind and write out the thoughts and blame and projection, but to within that clear myself and establish self-support and share the self-support - NOT share the ego/mind possessions.
__________________________________________________________________________


In relation to the point that was opened up on the subject of me going into 'lockdown' blaming Lindsay for not being 'willing to be patient with me' - i see that i have completely disregarded Lindsay and have not taken into consideration how patient she actually has been, as i have been having many of the same points continuously come up and Lindsay has been pointing it out each time. I see that I am the one who is projecting the point of 'impatience' and 'lack of gentleness' onto her out of reaction to her directness - and also due to self not wanting to face self - the ego/mind wanting to justify and hide.

I have seen for myself that I must be the one responsible for 'walking myself through a point' and being patient with self - yet within this to be direct and diligent with self to not accept or allow such points and to push self to stop existing within and as these systems.

i see that my 'approach' to my process has not been effective and consistent - and that i am able to adopt a more militant stance for myself - to take points 'head on' instead of internalizing and mulling things over.

i have placed a foundation/structure for myself in terms of how i will practically support myself through this point of reacting, taking things personally, and going into defensiveness and wanting to protect my limitations.

what i see is that i must be proactive and consistent within seeing WHAT i am defending and wanting to protect - to investigate for MYSELF what i am not wanting to let go of and how i came to accept that part of self within and as limitation. this will be a process that i will walk in time - and i am the only one able to do this for myself. the reactions and the mechanism of getting defensive and shutting down is specific to the points of limitation/dishonesty that i am not fully letting go of or do not fully see consciously yet/not wanting to fully see consciously yet.

in slowing self down and having placed this platform/structure of self-support i see that i am not 'immediately' integrating the change within self. i see that at the moment i have not yet accumulated for myself the ability and self-awareness to stop the reaction point entirely - that the automated system reaction currently happens faster than my current self-direction on this point. i see that the point of slowing down - slowing WAAAAAAY down - is a point to take on within this as well. not allowing self to exist within and as the 'hyperactivity' of the mind and to be fully HERE, which i see now i have been struggling with and is related to my pattern/point of internalizing deeply in myself before dealing with something in the physical, which i am currently also pushing through by participating with the physical - and here as well i have not fully integrated the change but i see that in time as i accumulate the point of pushing self to participate with/as the physical, the less of a hold my internalizing will have within my design.

a very cool blog post by rozelle assisted me to see that this is NOT a 'special' thing - that this is a specific pre-programmed system design, and as such it CAN be de-programmed and stopped. in this blog Rozelle shares the point verbatim - explaining in specific detail my exact experience with this.

So tonight, when i had gone into reaction when Lindsay brought up the point of me blogging, I see that I first went into reaction as an automatic response due to having a point within me of judging myself and experiencing guilt on the point of my previous blog post. The point became exposed and i saw how i wanted to hide/justify/argue... i did react and did not expose at that moment the reaction and i did have a moment of not wanting to face the blogging point and Lindsay did have to 'draw' it out of me, but i see that i was not in a point of wanting to fight/justify. in seeing the 'gears' turning within self as this system design, i did support myself within stopping the defense mechanism from triggering.

so i see that i must continue to apply myself within the structure/foundation of supporting myself through the reaction/defensiveness point by not going into reaction, and if i do to breathe and let go of taking it personally and moving self to investigate what i am reacting to and apply the correction. i see that the reactions for the moment are 'faster' because i have not yet fully established self here as directive principle.

so the application i see here is to continue pushing self to support self in each moment of reaction/defensiveness and to get to the 'root' of what i am defending/protecting as ego/mind/self-limitation. within this, to also apply SLOWING WAAAAAAAY down in all aspects of self and establish self HERE as the authority and letting go of internalizing before acting.

i see that what rozelle mentioned would be cool to apply - which is to push myself to be HERE when i speak and be aware of what i say, and to breathe effectively before and during when i speak.

Bringing it all back to self - Taking things Personally is Self-Deception Part 1

Just had a conversation with Lindsay over skype.

I see that I am having reactions and taking things personally when Lindsay shares points and speaks in a way that I am experiencing as 'direct', wherein I am judging the 'directness' as a judgment/condemnation against me, instead of seeing that she is being direct to a SYSTEM that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as, and that any reaction I am having is the reaction of said system.

I see that I have participated in this pattern once again - of becoming defensive, taking things personally, and then wanting to manipulate and control the perception others are having of me, wanting to control how others regard me, instead of actually looking at self within self-honesty and applying self-correction. I see how much I have placed value within the thoughts and opinions of others, and how greatly I have invested myself into how others see me, placing my sense of worth outside of myself and thus constantly seeking to solidify how others perceive me – and how automatically I have conditioned myself to manipulate in order to control that point. This is NOT excusable – it does not matter how 'conditioned' I have allowed myself to become – this point is simply not acceptable in any way whatsoever.

I cannot 'blame' my system design for this. I cannot blame anything or anyone. This is not about blame – this is about seeing what I am accepting and allowing within self-honesty and then living the self-honest realization in the physical, and there is NO POINT in judging myself or defending myself in any way whatsoever, nor is there any point within establishing how 'ingrained' this system may be, as that is only me protecting dishonesty and abuse within this existence.

I see that I have allowed much abuse within this point – and I see that I have existed within and as deception. I have spoken/written these words before – I must prove myself in actually LIVING these words. I DO NOT ACCEPT for this to remain as knowledge/information.

Specifically I had points of reaction when Lindsay shared that there was a thought of not trusting me, and having reaction within herself when she read my last blog, and she shared that there was a thought of seeing me as 'socially awkward', and a momentary thought of seeing me as a 'frail' being that would be moving in with her – which she made clear was her own projection and that she is taking the point back to herself and sees that her reactions have NOTHING to do with me in fact – yet in hearing those words I had taken them personally within myself and then had gone into defensiveness.

I also had a reaction when Lindsay shared that she would not be 'catering to my personality' and that this is not a 'relationship' – within me I was projecting a thought that she is using this as an 'excuse' to remain in a point of dominance, and also I projected a thought onto her of 'she's just going to be bitchy all the time' and there will be no point of being able to enjoy being around her.' I see that it is completely irrelevant whether I 'enjoy being around her', as that is not what this agreement is about. I see that self-honestly she and I CAN enjoy each other and likely we shall so long as we continue to face ourselves and correct ourselves – supporting ourselves within our individual process as we walk 'into' a lived agreement together, but the starting-point is not to 'have a good time'.

After the conversation, I messaged Lindsay about the point of 'gentleness' – wanting to validate myself as having been effective within supporting her through points from an application of 'gentleness' and 'patience' – wanting to manipulate a point of validation and wanting her to consider that her directness is not always the 'best way', within this coming from a point of ego and justification within having taken it personally that she will not 'cater to my personality' – which is me not wanting to let go of my own application of 'gentleness' and not wanting to consider the point of directness within dealing with points. So clearly I am holding on to my own preference here and yes it is my personality that wants to be 'catered to'.

So to take these points back to myself –

'Not being fully dedicated' - I have been having fears and resistances within the point of sharing desteni to others and fearing that others would see me as being in a 'cult' and treat me differently. This is something I have not self-honestly pushed through. I have opened up the point for myself that sharing desteni is not about converting or preaching or speaking a message that I have not lived. Sharing desteni is sharing self unconditionally and not being afraid to stand up within the matrix and not allowing myself to limit myself within relationships within the matrix/work/job environment. Sharing desteni is living and proving that self is not limited and is no longer accepting limitations and daring to live self-honestly in every moment. I see that I have shared bits and pieces of self and my process with people, but for the most part I have been more focused on the reactions that come up within myself at work and in the matrix, and not trusting self to speak in those moments of reaction, and keeping to myself.

Sharing self within self-honesty IS sharing desteni. I am NOT ashamed of walking with desteni and will NOT hide myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mince words and dance around the subject of desteni when sharing myself with people at work as well as certain roommates.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will create an 'unstable' situation at work if I speak about desteni

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the justification/excuse of 'there are practical reasons to not share my process and desteni in the matrix' as a cover to not actually push myself within speaking unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the reactions of others, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the reactions of others effect me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to share my process because 'others' will react and treat me differently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the memory and experience of my old roommate Bailey speaking to my new roommates and informing them that I am 'strange' and 'into weird conspiracy stuff' after sharing with her my point of being in process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the memory/experience of Bailey telling me that my old roommates Mae and Sarah were both 'uncomfortable' with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making people in my world 'uncomfortable', and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within not speaking up for fear of reaction from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the opinions of others and the reactions of others are real and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place honor and value within the words of others and to define myself through and as the opinions of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to intentionally 'hold back' when I see something within others at work due to fearing their reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the thought of “Lindsay does not understand what it is to have to be in the matrix everyday for survival” as a justification and blame for the reaction that I had when Lindsay brought up the point of me not sharing desteni unconditionally by sharing myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have abdicated and submitted myself over to the 'system' within being a 'part of the matrix' and not wanting to 'stand-out'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and compromise my expression within submitting myself to the matrix/job environment.

Also, allowing the point of 'fearing others' and placing value within the opinion of others who I must work with on a daily basis – fearing 'gossip' about me because I have allowed myself to participate in 'gossip' about others. Also I see that I have been using the excuse of “I am in the matrix and I have to fit in” as a cover-all excuse instead of pushing through the points where I practically am able to stand, yet instead remaining within self-limitation and not trusting self to stand in the moment.

I see that this is a point that requires diligence and consistent application – I had some energy around this point of creating it to be a 'big' point that 'I am totally possessed by', which is self-manipulation. So within self-honesty I see that this is a point that is ingrained as a 'main' system design that I have participated in and it will require specific and consistent application to remove. I do not allow self to believe that I 'am' this point or that it is justifiable for me to fear/resist taking this point on.

Practical self-correction -

I see that I am able to open up and share myself unconditionally – and as I share my actual self-realizations I do not require to fear the opinion or reaction of others, because who and what I am and what I live are absolute – and no opinion can shake or change what I have seen and lived for myself.

So when I see I am able to share myself and the self-realizations that I have opened up within my process, I shall share that openly. I see that it is not about advertising for desteni from a starting-point of making it a religion, but simply sharing in self-honesty who and what I am and HOW I actually walk my process with desteni.

I stand unashamed and I walk with desteni – and I will share my journey unconditionally. I use common sense and practicality and trust myself in the moment and share myself without fear.

If/when a person asks me or I see there is an opportunity to share myself as a destonian, I will NOT allow myself to hold myself back or fear 'sharing too much'.

I speak what I live and I live what I speak. Till here no further, I do not hold myself back out of fear of reactions from others when speaking self-realizations and my process with desteni.


Ok I am going to stop here for now and continue tomorrow and go into the other points.

No matter what

Only the mind requires a reason or excuse to enjoy self. Only the mind requires a reason or excuse to do ANYTHING at all.

walking this process is walking within total dedication and discipline in each moment and there can be no room for fickleness. No more fucking around can be tolerated. I have an opportunity that billions do not currently have and it is not acceptable to squander what is my responsibility and duty in this life - to stand for all who cannot and ensure that all abuse and separation end, and that all life that is to exist here may exist within equality and honor.

In the last few days I have existed within a 'funk' of not directing or supporting myself through resistances, and allowing self to exist within limitation and justification in order to not push through and face myself. I was fighting within and as ego/mind/self-interest/abuse of life trying to hold on to self-limitation as well as projecting frustration and resentment onto Lindsay. This is NOT acceptable.

What i have seen from my experience of going into defensiveness and hiding and resisting the practical support that Linday had been giving me, as well as my experience of seeing the manifested consequence of speaking words that i do not live (recording a vlog about stopping the mind and abusing energy and going into a point of preaching instead of sharing self- and then experiencing a near 'mugging' on the walk home).

So no more fucking around. No more excuses. I stand. I walk. My dedication is absolute and I do not give up, no matter what. Within this, I am able to enjoy self as LIFE.

I see that i had believed that one required a 'reason' or 'purpose' to enjoy self - and this is NOT true. self-enjoyment is not about 'being happy' or 'doing something exciting/fun'. Self-enjoyment is seeing and living self as LIFE as one as equal and recognizing that ALL life is precious and worthy of expression, and worthy of existing here WITHOUT enslavement and limitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'wait' for 'help' and 'assistance' before doing what i self-honestly see i am able to do for myself to support myself and take responsibility for what is going on in this world.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create excuses and justifications as to 'why' i am not 'able' to take responsibility for myself within all that i am accepting and allowing within self and within existence.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to spite existence within wanting to remain in my own 'comfort zone'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to stand separate from the words that i speak and write instead of LIVING the words as self and sharing as SELF

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be a 'fucker' to myself, within abusing self as life by participating in the mind as ego and self-interest

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not stop and delete the thoughts of 'this is too much', 'i cannot handle all of these points', 'i am a fuck-up'.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am a 'fuck-up' and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed within my existence the manifestation of 'fuck-ups'.

this is NOT a process to be taken 'at my own pace'. i have only ONE life and i must apply myself fully within stopping the abuse of and as the mind and seeing to the establishment of a global equality system.

I have the tools and the support of self-forgiveness, self-corrective application, the forum, fellow destonians, the physical, and all that stand for oneness and equality in existence.
I have the ability and means.
I AM the self-will and self-direction
I walk. I do not give up, no matter what.

CONTINUATION of My role and responsibility within the energy ponzi scheme- Self Correction

CONTINUATION of My role and responsibility within the energy ponzi scheme- Self Correction

Lindsay has brought up the point that I did not apply self corrective statements within my writing today, and in sharing her perspective on this I see now that this is not acceptable. Within self writing and self forgiveness I require to stand by my words and actually commit myself to living them, as I had written in the writing- yet I did not apply self corrective statements for myself- thus implying that I am not fully standing by my words and self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that the writing and the self forgiveness itself encompassed 'self corrective statements', and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not fully investigate this point and to simply 'do the minimum' of writing and self forgiveness without placing self corrective statements and committing to living my words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within excuses and justifications in order to not bring myself to the point of actually integrating and living the change that is necessary when points are brought up and exposed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain within ignorance and fear regarding 'how' to place effective self corrective statements instead of breathing past my resistances and applying myself and willing myself to actually change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist committing to something 100 percent due to fear that I may fall and will lose my 'position' in the eyes of others, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making self directive statements out of fear and resistance to actually standing and living the words I speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist making self corrective statements due to fearing that I may not live up to the words, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain uncertain and unclear within my process in terms of pushing myself to the actual point of change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making definitive self corrective statements due to fearing to let go of my self definitions and having to face who and what I am without my self definitions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that within making self corrective statements I must already be completely clear of any and all points- instead of applying self corrective statements as a means to perfecting myself and assisting myself with a guideline and a principle with which I am able to actually stop and remove my patterns and self definitions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that self corrective statements are declarations of having stopped a system completely, instead of being a support for self in moving self to stop my points in each moment as they arise until they stop completely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist applying self corrective statements due to having formed a picture and idea of what 'self corrective statements' must be/look like instead of applying myself within simply committing to my words and placing common sense self correction and self direction for self support in integrating and amalgamating self with my words.

TILL HERE, NO FURTHER.

When I see/notice myself not applying self corrective statements within my writings and self forgiveness I will stop, breathe, bring myself back HERE, and ensure that I am clear in my writings and self forgiveness, and will apply self corrective statements.

TILL HERE, NO FURTHER.

When I see/notice myself not applying self corrective statements within my writings and self forgiveness I will immediately STOP, breathe, bring myself back HERE, and forgive myself for any points that I am not willing to change and let go of, and I will apply self corrective statements.

TILL HERE, NO FURTHER.

I will NOT accept or allow myself any excuses within this process for not standing by my realizations or remaining within my self definitions out of self interest, as this is dishonesty and self spite, and is not acceptable.

I will NOT allow myself to accept any excuse or justification to not apply self corrective statements, as this is undermining my self trust and undermining my self will within this process, and is not acceptable.

Thus for myself I will stop, breathe, bring myself back HERE when I see/notice that I have not applied self corrective statements for myself, clear any lingering points, and apply self corrective statements for each point that I have revealed for myself so that I integrate my realization and LIVE MY WORDS.



Here I revisit my writing from today and apply self corrective statements for myself, integrating the words and realizations that I have opened up and done self forgiveness for, and standing by my commitment to myself to LIVE these words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'hold back' out of fear of having to let go of my self definitions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within this back door of fearing to expose all of myself out of fear of how lindsay will react.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep walls and barriers up between myself and Lindsay in order for me to have 'space' in which I am still holding on to self interest and ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to walk through and face all of myself exposed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am able to hide from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of 'Lindsay does not trust me” in order to justify me own participation in holding back and not being absolutely unconditional in sharing EVERYTHING that is going on within me.

TILL HERE, NO FURTHER.
When I see/notice myself holding back or not wanting to share a point unconditionally within self honesty, I STOP immediately, breathe, and release the point of ego and self interest.

I will NOT allow myself to suppress myself or justify holding on anything within my secret mind and not share HERE absolutely within self honesty.

TILLL HERE, NO FURTHER.
When I see/notice myself wanting to remain within a self definition or wanting to 'defend myself' I STOP immediately, breathe, and release the point of wanting validation as my personality/ego within self interest.

I will NOT allow myself to compromise my self honesty within this agreement and within my process, as that is undermining my self trust and is dishonesty, and is not acceptable.

Thus, when I see/notice myself wanting to hold back or not share unconditionally within self honesty or wanting to manipulate or deceive in order to preserve my self interest, I STOP immediately, breathe, bring myself back HERE, and let go of believing that I am my personality or self definitions and let go of defending my self limitations and share myself within self honesty so that I am able to correct myself instead of holding on to specialness or ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the ego and personality that I have created within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate and distract myself from actually walking this process and committing myself 100 percent.


TILL HERE, NO FURTHER
When I see/notice myself defining myself as my ego/personality/self definitions I will STOP immediately, breathe, bring myself back HERE, and release the self definition that I am wanting to hold on to and defend

TILL HERE, NO FURTHER
I will NOT accept or allow myself to continue living as my self definitions, as this clearly contradicts my principle within my commitment to birthing myself here in the physical and is not acceptable.

Thus when I see/notice myself wanting to defend myself or continue to define myself within my own preferences and self definitions and limitations, I will STOP, breathe, bring myself back HERE, and realize that I am not my self definitions and that I do not require the energetic experiences my self definitions require.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist changing and remaining here within self application and dedication due to not wanting to let go of creating my own inner worlds with energy that I derive from emotional manipulation of myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use judgment and fear of judgment as covers in order for me to not let go of the energetic experiences I am able to have when I judge myself, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use judgment as a mechanism to further deceive and manipulate myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in doubting myself, wherein I am creating that which I doubt in order to experience the energetic experience and emotion of 'doubt' as an experience of myself within my self definition as ego/personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within fear, wherein I am creating that which I fear and placing myself in a position of inFEARiority in order to justify remaining in my self definition/ego/personality and to be able to experience energetic emotional experiences within myself which validate and feed my self definition/ego/personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within 'happiness' wherein I am creating that which I 'enjoy' and 'like' and 'desire' to be special within separation, which creates friction within my reality and is then turned into energy which I use to experience the energetic experience of 'happiness', 'enjoyment', and 'liking something', which validates and feeds my self definition/ego/personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within 'preferences' in terms of what I would 'prefer' to do with my time and energy, whom I 'prefer' to spend my time and energy with, and how I 'prefer' things to be done in order for me to remain within my comfort zone as my self definition/ego/personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to stop my addiction and to correct myself within this process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be half-hearted within my application within still holding on to preferences and self definitions and only going 'far enough' to be at the brink of my comfort zone and not going any further.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in my limitations and indulge in my emotional self manipulations wherein I am victimizing myself in order to aggrandize my ego and personality within my self definition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear crossing over the threshold of my fears and self definitions, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living my life HERE in each moment instead of having memories and secret mind and energy within myself through which I am creating alternate realities out of self interest.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself or accepted myself to realize and live the realization that pity, emotional self manipulation, and holding on to self definitions is spiteful and is self interest at the cost of what is here in terms of existence in it's totality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist seeing and living the realization of the effect of my own self interest in terms of how it effects all of existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to still have my own 'little world' even after seeing the dishonesty within this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist having to give up all of my 'secret little worlds' because that would mean I would no longer have any control or sense of self within my self definition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within creating excuses, justifications, and blame in order to not face the cost of me creating secret worlds for myself using the actual physical reality and projecting myself into energy that does not return to the source and consumes the physical and disregards life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within creating excuses, justifications, blame, and participating in self manipulation within going into emotional experiences such as pity, depression, victimization, and self deprecation in order to remain within an energetic starting point of existence, wherein I define myself as an energy and not simply here in fact.

TILL HERE, NO FURTHER
When I see/notice myself using energy in order to experience myself within an emotion or self definition point instead of remaining equal to what is here within self honesty, I will immediately STOP, breathe, bring myself back HERE, and release the point of believing that I am the energetic experience or self definition.

When I see/notice myself creating emotional/energetic experiences to create secret mind projections, ideas, self definitions, self concepts, I will STOP immediately, breathe, bring myself back HERE, and live the realization and correction that I am abusing myself and life within using energy to have experiences of emotions or 'personal perspectives' within self interest and I will let that go.

I will NOT accept or allow myself to continue participating in fears, anxiety, or creating personal secret worlds in which to live instead of remaining equal to what is here within self honesty- to take responsibility for what I am creating in this world. I will NOT accept or allow myself to use fears, anxiety, emotional energetic experiences, or self definitions as a way to not face myself or correct myself.

Thus when I see/notice myself going into 'lockdown' or experiencing energy or emotional self manipulation in order to generate an experience within myself instead of being here directing myself within self honesty, I STOP immediately, beathe, bring myself back HERE, and live the correction and realization that it is not acceptable to create secret worlds, use self victimization, or use energy that must come from the life force of the physical in order to participate in my own self interest.

CAUTION- The SRA course from Desteni will cause you to lose excuses and justifications for not changing!

i have just read through lesson 17 of the Desteni SRA course.

Within me there is a sense of definitive change. This point really 'sank in' after going into lesson 17 and the points of judgment and specifically "Reactive Self Manipulation" which is covered in the lesson.

It is as though this lesson spoke directly to me and pierced into my very being, because it laid out in specificity the way judgment, justification, blame, projection, and other mind originated tactics are used- and having gone into this lesson I experience myself as having an 'arsenal' of tools and a vocabulary with which to articulate as well as deal with what is going on within myself and to able to actually change who and what i am.

The past week as been very assisting in terms of presenting 'obstacles' which I am able to push myself to face. Since the point of 'facing' my mother i have noticed there has been a growing sense of self trust and self movement, wherein i am giving in less and less to the mind. it is as though by facing one of my largest resistances i have now gained a sense of self direction and authority, and there has been a developing sense of 'growth' and 'expansion' within myself.

i notice that i am now less influenced by my mind- by pictures, by fears, by reactions. they are still here and i still have them come up, but i am no longer automatically participating in them. there is a sense of the systems 'slowing down' within myself as i am seeing with expanding specificity how it all works.

the point of 'reactive self manipulation' really 'struck a chord' in me as i reviewed the lesson today- it had so clearly laid out and defined what is going on within that tactic that there can be no mistaking it- and within this clarity i saw immediately how i myself have used these tactics- and how in specificity it functions. i now have a direct method of recognizing this point within myself- which has been a 'large' point of self abdication for me.

currently i experience myself as though having just discovered a 'super power'. there is a persistent sense of 'expansion' and 'self trust' that is not based on an energetic or emotional reaction- but an actual experience of myself- as though a huge weight has been lifted from me- a weight that i have been carrying for a very long time. there is a sense of 'self authority' as well as clarity- wherein i am no longer 'convinced' by the contents of my mind in terms of thoughts, reactions, pictures- even though they still exist and still occur, i am no longer a slave to any of it as i had been.

lately i have also been more 'aware' of myself and of life within the context of what is here, and i have been expanding myself in terms of seeing what HERE actually is, and what the physical actually is, and seeing the perspective of how all that is HERE is all that we are within each and every one of us- how ALL and EVERYTHING is manifest in the physical and that we are at all times creating this world by virtue of what we accept and allow within ourselves. for a long while this knowledge remained within me as simply information that i have gleaned from desteni material without actually experiencing how it can be so. i am now having an actual sense of how we create this world, seeing why the world exists the way it does, and seeing my part within it all and coming to appreciate the physical.

so at this moment i am uncertain of this sense of 'self awareness' and whether i am actually mindfucking myself within an emotional/feeling experience... so i shall continue to walk and see if there is any change in terms of what i am experiencing myself as at the moment and to verify whether my change has been real.

for anyone reading this who is not a part of the introduction to desteni or the desteni SRA course- i can only say that you owe it to yourself to study the desteni material and develop a sense of self honesty so that you are able to actually support yourself effectively and see what you have been missing this entire time. the SRA course is like no other- and it will absolutely take away any excuse or justification one may have in regards to actually changing and becoming the effective and clear within all that you do and removing the patterns and limitations we have for so long accepted as 'our nature'. for those unfamiliar with desteni at all- check out the desteni material and then get yourself enrolled in the Introduction to Desteni course which will prepare you for the desteni SRA course. if you are serious about knowing what the fuck is going on and why things are the way they are and what we are able to and MUST do about it, do not hesitate or waste any more of your time.