Future Projections Are Science Fiction

Often I have made decisions about what I would like to be and become in my life, what I would like to 'experience' myself as, and would idealize these concepts and place them into an alternate dimension in my mind, in some possible future, where I have already done the necessary steps to make that decision a reality and begin to lose myself within that fantasy of an alternate future where I get to live the life of my dreams, and will create such vivid experiences for myself based only making myself feel happy or as a way to 'comfort' myself by projecting myself into that idealized world so that I am able to, for a moment, escape from my current reality where I see there are points that I am not satisfied with but have not directed myself effectively to change.

What happens is that this 'idealized' version of self assumes that I have already done the 'work' of what it will practically require in order for me to be and become that idea – that picture – and while I am generating energetic experiences for myself to feel happy and comfort myself with this projected future reality in which everything 'works out fine' and I am the 'ultimate winner', eventually the energy runs out and I am back HERE, where I have not in fact moved myself within directing what is currently in my life, and I become disappointed because what is actually HERE in my reality then seems so far from that alternate future reality that seemed so vivid, so 'real', because I had placed so much emphasis on the experience of it within me – where I made that experience 'more than' what is actually here and thus become disappointed when the illusion ends and I see that I am not yet THERE in that future dimension, which then seems even 'further away' or simply 'impossible' because it is in no way based on what is actually HERE and who I actually am at this very moment, in this very breath, in the current context of my placement within the world, my relationships, and my standing within myself.

These future projections of idealized selves are addictive because they serve as a 'promise' or a momentary 'taste' of the ending of a conflict or the resolution of a particular challenge in my life that I am currently facing or still trying to suppress, where 'if only' that alternate future were real, I would 'already' be 'done' with what I am now facing or still suppressing which is causing discomfort, conflict, and friction within my experience of myself because I see that I am being dishonest with me and not living my life to the fullest potential possible because I am holding on to fears and self-created limitations that I have not forgiven and walked through with actual, practical self-movement.

Thus future projections are actually a point of self-manipulation where I attempt to 'comfort myself' or give myself an essentially empty promise of a better 'future' where everything will be alright, so I do not need to fret or worry or concern myself with what is currently troubling me in my life, where I have not given proper direction, and to simply allow whatever is currently 'not working' in my life to continue since I am able to just project myself into an alternate dimension and experience myself as 'happy' and 'complete' and thus ignore and disregard what I require to do and give direction to within my actual living – not seeing or realizing that when I participate in such future projections I in fact diminish my ability to do what is required to be done and actually trap myself within not walking through the resistances and fears that are currently keeping me from actually, practically, living and expressing the life that I would truly want, where I give up on myself and the potential of what I am able to accomplish due to fear of failure or fear of rejection or fear that I cannot in fact manifest my desires because the desire itself is not based on what is best for all.

Identifying the Aspects of Future Projections

There are some different aspects of future projections that I notice as I look at this point and examine the various starting points that give rise to future projections -

1. “Fear of Failure” – Creating future realities in order to compensate and justify not moving myself because I have already made the 'decision' that I 'cannot' or am simply not willing to do what is necessary to be done.
2. “Impatience/Lack of Self-Trust” – Creating future projections because I have not developed the necessary discipline and patience to develop the necessary skills and create the necessary conditions to manifest a particular point, thus allowing self to give in to the idea that I am not able to trust myself commit myself to doing what it takes to get something done.
3. “Addiction to Instant Experience and Energy” – Creating future projections because I am able to experience 'instantly' the 'result' that I would like for myself, where I am only considering how I would like to experience myself within self-interest and not taking into consideration what it would take for me to really, in fact experience that point in my reality, where the 'reality' is not as exciting or stimulating as what I am able to generate and create within my mind – thus giving in to the addiction of energetic experiences that are able to happen 'instantly'.
4. “Magical Wishing” - Where I do not want to actually work or be diligent and instead 'wait' for life or the universe or some external force to simply give to me what I desire, so that I do not have to face any point of 'failure' or 'rejection' because I have made this future projection 'more important' and more 'valuable' than myself, and prefer to not risk 'messing it up' within lacking self-trust and self-value, which I place into this idea outside of myself that I secretly wish would just 'manifest' for me because I wish an desire for it so badly.

Self-Forgiveness on Future Projections

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create future idealized versions of myself, where I picture and create experiences of already being the things that I desire and currently exist in separation from, and project those points out into a future reality that is not in fact here, so that I am able to comfort and console myself and have something to 'look forward to' instead of being HERE with what is actually here in my current reality and working with what is here to step by step, breath by breath, undo the patterns and programming that do not assist or support me while establishing new foundations of self-honesty and self-trust as I walk myself to a point of self-perfection slowly but surely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from that which I desire, which I then project outwards into the future as some goal that is outside of me that must be attained before I am able to be satisfied with myself, wherein I am constantly and continuously trying to manifest an 'ideal self' in an 'ideal future' based on pictures that are constantly changing and shifting according to the nature of my desires and self-interest as a response to me not in fact living my life HERE in the fullness and completeness that is already here, which I am simply not allowing myself to stand one and equal to/as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize the silliness of beating myself up and doubting myself and sabotaging myself just because my current reality does not match up with a reality that I intentionally created as a fantasy in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT slow down and consider if it is actually worth the time and energy that I spend creating future projections, planning for future projections, trying to manifest those future projections, and putting off that which requires my direction and attention HERE in my actual daily living application in the hopes of being able to sort out my current problems by creating a better 'future' – not seeing or considering that any 'future' will only be a consequential outflow of who and what I am and what I am accepting and allowing within myself HERE, in this very moment of breath, and if I am not HERE directing what is HERE, then any future that may result will be one that is mis-directed because I did not take the time and opportunity to direct myself and missed the chance to direct me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will only be happy, only be content, only be satisfied with myself if I am able to be and become the pictures that I create in my mind which are based on desires that I have separated myself from and to not stop and question WHERE and these desires come from and HOW I have separated myself from them to such an extent that I have been willing to put my actual living application HERE in each breath on hold, as I 'hold my breath' and wait for some ideal future reality to manifest while my actual life and living goes undirected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself the self-trust and self-will to step by step, breath by breath, develop and create the best possible version of myself in this life through patience and walking what requires to be walked practically and realize that it is in fact possible to change me and it is in fact possible to live and express me in ways that I have not allowed myself to before simply due to fear and separation and allowing myself to exist within the mind instead of living HERE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust within the mind's ability to create fictional realities through energy as thoughts, feelings, and emotions to generate 'experiences' within myself that never last and always leave me disappointed instead of developing Self-Trust within the surety and certainty of each breath that I take as a commitment and decision to myself – to honor and restore the stability and completeness of me as LIFE one breath, one point at a time.

Self-Corrective Statements/Commitments

I commit myself to, when and as I see/notice myself projecting into the future and creating a 'better experience' than what I am currently walking/facing, stop myself and realize that being in that alternate world will only prolong my process of walking and facing what is HERE and that the extent to which I am able to effectively work with and direct what is HERE, is the extent to which I can be certain that any potential 'future' that will develop from this present moment will be effective and in alignment with my commitment to re-establishing me within what is best for all.

I commit myself to, when and as I require to plan and make decisions in relation to my 'future', write out specifically the points to be considered in terms of what I am currently walking and facing in my actual reality and to move myself within the necessary actions and decisions that will in fact align me within what is best for all as the most effective placement of myself, wherein I do not allow my decisions to be influenced by desires or fears or future projections, but rather aligned to practical considerations.

I commit myself to bringing myself back here each and every time I notice myself projecting into a future projection where I am already experiencing some form of 'success' or 'completion' that is not in fact here as me as my actual reality and do not allow myself to linger or hold on to such projections because I see and realize that allowing myself to distract myself with such projections and 'waiting' for some kind of miracle to manifest for me my desires instead of moving and directing myself effectively in each moment and being my own point of self-creation.

I commit myself to stop projecting myself into alternate future realities in which I have already accomplished a task or achieved a certain goal or decision, or make ANY decisions based on such future projections and instead support myself within facing what is HERE so that I in fact walk through my points of resistance and fear, and PROVE to myself beyond any doubt or future projection/expectation of the mind that I in fact create me and direct my life – thus I do not require to project myself into an alternate reality/future in an attempt to 'find' or 'create' myself.

Redefining Words -

“Future Projection”

“Future”

1. Time that is to be or come hereafter.
2. Something that will exist or happen in time to come: The future is rooted in the past.
3. A condition, especially of success or failure, to come: Some people believe a gypsy can tell you your future.

“Projection”

1. An estimate or forecast of a future situation or trend based on a study of present ones.
2. The presentation of an image on a surface, esp. a movie screen.

Here I see that when these words are placed together, one can see the design of projecting into the movie screen of our minds the estimated future situations or trends based on one's current study of/understanding of the 'present'.

Herein the tendency and habit to project and create as the idea of our 'future' which is always based on what we currently see and understand as our 'present' – where we take what we currently live as knowledge and information and create our 'future' based on current understanding – already here we see the fear of simply living and letting go of knowledge and information – not allowing ourselves to exist as the simplicity that is always here and always needing to 'hold on to' our knowledge as our past, our memories, our 'experiences' as though such experiences are real or valid when even now, in this very breath, such experiences are not real – not solid – not existent in this reality other that in our own minds.

Thus 'future projection' in this context is the act of projecting and attempting to create as our 'future' and idea or belief of what will happen, based on the knowledge and information that we are existing as in the 'present' – or rather the 'now of consciousness'.

Sounding Words -

Future Pro-jection – Future Projected Actions – Actions that are not actually performed in reality, but rather projected as moving pictures in the screen of the mind that takes place in the 'future' like a science fiction film.

Redefining the Words “Future Projection” into a practical understanding -

Future Projections = For-Sure Projects in Action

A practical redefinition of the term “Future Projection” would be to consider instead of projecting our desired actions into the future as pictures in our minds, which would be us essentially creating 'science fiction' films about the 'future' to entertain ourselves with, to rather align our 'future' with certainty instead of 'possible projections'.

We can do this within standing AS the point of certainty, where we are 'for-sure' because we stop participating in any uncertainty or doubt within ourselves as to what we do and why/how we do it, so that we are sure that the result of our actions and accumulations will bring about a solution that is best for all.

In this way, the projections stop being pictures in the mind – and become PROJECTS in ACTION – where we are able to practically take on as projects the various aspects of our lives and of this existence that are not creating an experience that is best for all, where we can stop wondering what should be done about the situation and instead move ourselves practically and place ourselves into and as action to do what requires to be done, one step at a time as we sort out and participate in the greatest project that has ever been undertaken within existence – the establishment of Heaven on Earth.

Thus instead of allowing self to become trapped in science fiction pictures within the mind as 'future projections' of what would be 'cool' in some alternate reality 'future', we place ourselves HERE and bring HERE as for-sure projects that will in fact result in a world that is best for all in ways that previously were only considered in science fiction.

I commit myself to live as for-sure projects in action that which will bring about what we have all truly desired within what is best for all and to stop, forgive, and let go of 'future projections' that only exist in make-belief.

More on the point of accumulation

A point that I am seeing today is the application of constantly applying myself and adjusting - allowing myself to 'bend' and be flexible with points so that i am able to actually take them on and change - when a point is first 'taken on' for correction, there is still a 'beta testing' phase where the actual change has not fully been integrated and one must adjust and fine-tune and make further corrections along the way - and within this process one gets closer and closer to establishing a point of standing - and from that point of standing one can remain consistent and stable, having 'tested out' all the scenarios and bugs. Thus it is impractical to constantly remain in self-judgment or giving up so easily when a point at first seems to not be budging. It is a process and one must be brutal as well as gentle within it.

as mentioned before i have been experiencing this point of gradual 'improvement' within accumulating self-trust and consistently applying myself, and seeing that as i make these adjustments, slowly but surely i am accumulating self-change and i will 'walk into' the point where eventually i am stable within the points i am working on and can then expand myself and take on more. until then, i simply walk and keep on walking, adjusting, allowing self to make mistakes and learning from them.

another point that i see is important within this application of accumulation is to not give any energy to the moments that one sees are 'effective' or 'heading in the right direction' - which builds an expectation and sets one up for a polarity event in which the 'good feelings' turn bad when a bump occurs and one has to re-adjust. simply re-adjust whenever necessary and do not look back - and do not project into the future when things seem to be 'going well'.

Bringing it all back to self - Taking things Personally is Self-Deception Part 1

Just had a conversation with Lindsay over skype.

I see that I am having reactions and taking things personally when Lindsay shares points and speaks in a way that I am experiencing as 'direct', wherein I am judging the 'directness' as a judgment/condemnation against me, instead of seeing that she is being direct to a SYSTEM that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as, and that any reaction I am having is the reaction of said system.

I see that I have participated in this pattern once again - of becoming defensive, taking things personally, and then wanting to manipulate and control the perception others are having of me, wanting to control how others regard me, instead of actually looking at self within self-honesty and applying self-correction. I see how much I have placed value within the thoughts and opinions of others, and how greatly I have invested myself into how others see me, placing my sense of worth outside of myself and thus constantly seeking to solidify how others perceive me – and how automatically I have conditioned myself to manipulate in order to control that point. This is NOT excusable – it does not matter how 'conditioned' I have allowed myself to become – this point is simply not acceptable in any way whatsoever.

I cannot 'blame' my system design for this. I cannot blame anything or anyone. This is not about blame – this is about seeing what I am accepting and allowing within self-honesty and then living the self-honest realization in the physical, and there is NO POINT in judging myself or defending myself in any way whatsoever, nor is there any point within establishing how 'ingrained' this system may be, as that is only me protecting dishonesty and abuse within this existence.

I see that I have allowed much abuse within this point – and I see that I have existed within and as deception. I have spoken/written these words before – I must prove myself in actually LIVING these words. I DO NOT ACCEPT for this to remain as knowledge/information.

Specifically I had points of reaction when Lindsay shared that there was a thought of not trusting me, and having reaction within herself when she read my last blog, and she shared that there was a thought of seeing me as 'socially awkward', and a momentary thought of seeing me as a 'frail' being that would be moving in with her – which she made clear was her own projection and that she is taking the point back to herself and sees that her reactions have NOTHING to do with me in fact – yet in hearing those words I had taken them personally within myself and then had gone into defensiveness.

I also had a reaction when Lindsay shared that she would not be 'catering to my personality' and that this is not a 'relationship' – within me I was projecting a thought that she is using this as an 'excuse' to remain in a point of dominance, and also I projected a thought onto her of 'she's just going to be bitchy all the time' and there will be no point of being able to enjoy being around her.' I see that it is completely irrelevant whether I 'enjoy being around her', as that is not what this agreement is about. I see that self-honestly she and I CAN enjoy each other and likely we shall so long as we continue to face ourselves and correct ourselves – supporting ourselves within our individual process as we walk 'into' a lived agreement together, but the starting-point is not to 'have a good time'.

After the conversation, I messaged Lindsay about the point of 'gentleness' – wanting to validate myself as having been effective within supporting her through points from an application of 'gentleness' and 'patience' – wanting to manipulate a point of validation and wanting her to consider that her directness is not always the 'best way', within this coming from a point of ego and justification within having taken it personally that she will not 'cater to my personality' – which is me not wanting to let go of my own application of 'gentleness' and not wanting to consider the point of directness within dealing with points. So clearly I am holding on to my own preference here and yes it is my personality that wants to be 'catered to'.

So to take these points back to myself –

'Not being fully dedicated' - I have been having fears and resistances within the point of sharing desteni to others and fearing that others would see me as being in a 'cult' and treat me differently. This is something I have not self-honestly pushed through. I have opened up the point for myself that sharing desteni is not about converting or preaching or speaking a message that I have not lived. Sharing desteni is sharing self unconditionally and not being afraid to stand up within the matrix and not allowing myself to limit myself within relationships within the matrix/work/job environment. Sharing desteni is living and proving that self is not limited and is no longer accepting limitations and daring to live self-honestly in every moment. I see that I have shared bits and pieces of self and my process with people, but for the most part I have been more focused on the reactions that come up within myself at work and in the matrix, and not trusting self to speak in those moments of reaction, and keeping to myself.

Sharing self within self-honesty IS sharing desteni. I am NOT ashamed of walking with desteni and will NOT hide myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mince words and dance around the subject of desteni when sharing myself with people at work as well as certain roommates.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will create an 'unstable' situation at work if I speak about desteni

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the justification/excuse of 'there are practical reasons to not share my process and desteni in the matrix' as a cover to not actually push myself within speaking unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the reactions of others, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the reactions of others effect me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to share my process because 'others' will react and treat me differently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the memory and experience of my old roommate Bailey speaking to my new roommates and informing them that I am 'strange' and 'into weird conspiracy stuff' after sharing with her my point of being in process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the memory/experience of Bailey telling me that my old roommates Mae and Sarah were both 'uncomfortable' with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making people in my world 'uncomfortable', and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within not speaking up for fear of reaction from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the opinions of others and the reactions of others are real and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place honor and value within the words of others and to define myself through and as the opinions of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to intentionally 'hold back' when I see something within others at work due to fearing their reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the thought of “Lindsay does not understand what it is to have to be in the matrix everyday for survival” as a justification and blame for the reaction that I had when Lindsay brought up the point of me not sharing desteni unconditionally by sharing myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have abdicated and submitted myself over to the 'system' within being a 'part of the matrix' and not wanting to 'stand-out'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and compromise my expression within submitting myself to the matrix/job environment.

Also, allowing the point of 'fearing others' and placing value within the opinion of others who I must work with on a daily basis – fearing 'gossip' about me because I have allowed myself to participate in 'gossip' about others. Also I see that I have been using the excuse of “I am in the matrix and I have to fit in” as a cover-all excuse instead of pushing through the points where I practically am able to stand, yet instead remaining within self-limitation and not trusting self to stand in the moment.

I see that this is a point that requires diligence and consistent application – I had some energy around this point of creating it to be a 'big' point that 'I am totally possessed by', which is self-manipulation. So within self-honesty I see that this is a point that is ingrained as a 'main' system design that I have participated in and it will require specific and consistent application to remove. I do not allow self to believe that I 'am' this point or that it is justifiable for me to fear/resist taking this point on.

Practical self-correction -

I see that I am able to open up and share myself unconditionally – and as I share my actual self-realizations I do not require to fear the opinion or reaction of others, because who and what I am and what I live are absolute – and no opinion can shake or change what I have seen and lived for myself.

So when I see I am able to share myself and the self-realizations that I have opened up within my process, I shall share that openly. I see that it is not about advertising for desteni from a starting-point of making it a religion, but simply sharing in self-honesty who and what I am and HOW I actually walk my process with desteni.

I stand unashamed and I walk with desteni – and I will share my journey unconditionally. I use common sense and practicality and trust myself in the moment and share myself without fear.

If/when a person asks me or I see there is an opportunity to share myself as a destonian, I will NOT allow myself to hold myself back or fear 'sharing too much'.

I speak what I live and I live what I speak. Till here no further, I do not hold myself back out of fear of reactions from others when speaking self-realizations and my process with desteni.


Ok I am going to stop here for now and continue tomorrow and go into the other points.

Newly Unemployed and a Night Out with Self

Today was my last day at work, and I faced points of excitement and energy within the point of 'change'. I had been working at my current job for nearly 6 years, and I experienced thoughts today of “wow this is going to be weird” and “I am going to without a routine/schedule” and I was seeing self-definitions of and as a “full-time worker” melting away as my final work shift drew to a close and I began to say my goodbyes to my co-workers.

In those moments when the thoughts/emotions would arise I would stop them but I see that there was a part of me that allowed the thoughts/feelings to linger before I had directed myself to delete them. So there were some points of not wanting to let go of the energy around my self-definition of 'full-time worker' as well as the memories/experiences accumulated over the years. ________________________________________________________________________

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in that moment of experiencing lingering thoughts and emotions around this being my last day at work, not direct myself within letting go of and clearing myself of attachments to the self-definition of 'full-time worker'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am the self-definition of a 'full-time worker'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire holding on to the validation I would get from others which I used to feed my self-definition of 'full-time worker'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear/resist letting go of the energy I would get around the point of being at work and being among co-workers

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within thoughts of 'this is going to be exciting/new/different'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am different because of moving to Portland and 'taking on' something new.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place energy and emotional charges on the point of leaving my job and moving to Portland.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within gossip and energy around the point of it being my 'last day' with my co-workers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as my ego/personality within saying goodbye to my fellow co-workers and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in that moment not direct myself to stop and rather not participate from an energetic starting point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within energetic reactions as experiences within self as I greeted and informed fellow co-workers that it was my last day and said goodbye.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that me leaving my job and moving to Portland is a 'special' event that should be recognized within a starting-point of energetic reactions.

I STOP.

I support myself and live HERE in each moment. I let go of thoughts and feelings within myself and see that they are not me.

I walk within and as the simplicity of what is here in the moment, whether I am here, in Portland, working, not working.


Later on in the evening I met up with some of the people from work for a 'farewell dinner'. It was an interesting experience and I see that I still have points of personality/mind going on in different layers that have yet to be transcended fully. I see points where I had allowed myself to 'slip' into personality and allowing self to gossip and participate in energy with the others, but there was also a sense of awareness within self as all of this was happening. There were moments where I would see a reaction flicker within self, but would stop it and not participate and it would be gone, and there were moments where I would slip and would go into the point of energy/reaction as I participated with the others at dinner, but there would be a 'presence' within and as self – observing self as those reactions and 'knowing' that these reactions and points of personality are not who and what I am, are not what I stand for any longer, and that I am in a process of stopping all such points of mind.

There were 8 of us at the table chatting and gossiping about work and fellow co-workers, 'trading stories' about our experiences and memories working together over the years. For much of the evening I would be silent, but not totally withdrawn or anti-social. There would be moments of me simply being there, enjoying the moment being at the restaurant with everyone, and there were moments were I would join a discussion that was going on when I was clear and sharing self without energetic movement, and there were also points of going into energy and reaction and participating in gossip. The moments where I went into energy and gossip I see I had participated in judging myself and not being comfortable with self being 'silent' and wanting to not 'stick out'. This was compounded within me when I thought about all of these fellow co-workers who came to celebrate my 'last day' and bid me farewell – I experienced an 'obligation' to participate and 'enjoy' from a starting-point of energy/mind/personality/relationship and not wanting to 'rock the boat' by being 'boring'. I see this requires self correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in that moment of feeling 'obligated' to participate with the others, not direct myself to stop the energetic movement within self and then participate from a clear starting-point as self-honest self-expression instead of participating within/as personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am 'supposed to' express myself in certain ways around certain people, in certain places.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the many faces and facets of personalities that I have created over the years which I use to 'deal with' people in my reality/world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is 'wrong' to simply be silent and not chat and gossip with the others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to share self within and as self-honest expression and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must remain a 'personality' when 'dealing with' these fellow beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regard these fellow co-workers as beings to be 'dealt with' instead of standing here one and equal with them and allowing self to enjoy the moment without judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and project the belief that the others will not 'understand' the change within me and the process that I am walking, and thus it is best that I not share those aspects of self within a starting point of fear and lack of self-acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as gossip and seeking validation as a personality/ego within not accepting self fully and completely within self-acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reside within and as my mind while the others were participating with each other at the table, internalizing and not pushing through my own self-judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as 'different' and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am 'special' because I am 'not like the others because I see my systems'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by what I have realized within knowledge and information and insight but have not yet lived as Living Words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to the 'pressure' I was placing upon myself to 'fit in' so that I did not have to be here with self and seeing my own self-judgments reflected back to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'I do not belong among these people'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regard myself as 'superior' due to having knowledge and information about mind-consciousness systems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the others by wanting to have a different experience than the one that I was having in terms of hanging out with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to change others, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others based on personal preference.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly judge the others within my secret mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the others for drinking, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am superior because I have given up alcohol.

I STOP. I see that the 'others' are one and equal to self, and that I am the one who is living and accepting separation by judging others and comparing self to others within and as my secret mind.

I am reacting to my own self and reacting to points that I have not worked through completely, thus it is not the 'others' but always self. I see that I am able to push on this point of letting go, being here, and accepting self and remaining firm within my standing of what I accept and what I do not, and do not require to 'fit in', nor do I require to change others.



Another point that had come up was the point of alcohol and my commitment to never drink again. Throughout the night there would be a 'teasing' by the others that I should have at least one drink. The others had been drinking throughout the evening and I see that alcohol was a 'main event' within my 'farewell dinner', at least for them.

I had reactions within myself of not being comfortable sharing exactly 'why' I am stopping alcohol, but looking at it now I had associated my stopping alcohol with desteni, and did not know how to explain that to them. I see clearly that my stopping alcohol was a self-directed choice and dedication I made for and as self, and yes it was desteni that assisted in opening up the point for me to consider. So what I see here is that there is still a residual fear of sharing myself as a being walking my process due to believing that I have to fit in and be able to 'survive' as a personality within and as the matrix in the job system – that I have to be able to 'mix' with the crowd and not draw 'negative attention' to myself. I have this fear because I have in the past participated in mocking and gossiping about fellow workers and treating certain workers differently when I had heard and accepted/believed a rumor or bit of gossip related to them, and how nasty such gossip can be, and now I am not wanting for others to gossip about me the same way. So here I see I have created the idea that me 'sharing myself as somebody in process' is me representing desteni in their eyes and would have to 'live up to' something. I see that in practicality, I am able to share what I am doing and what I am walking as the living words of my actual experiences and that I do not have to become an 'ambassador' to desteni when sharing such things. I see that in practical living I am able to speak what I actually live and that it is not a 'desteni thing', and within this to not disregard desteni either. Self correction here-

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people gossiping about me and speaking about me and treating my differently/being nasty toward me based on memories and experiences of having done that to others in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I may compromise myself within being able to walk effectively in the matrix if I share desteni material to all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the gossip and judgment of others affects me personally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the words of others personally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept gossip and rumors to be real by holding on to my own resistances of being rumored or gossiped about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live the realization that all gossip and projection upon me by others is simply others seeing a part of themselves that they are in separation from and are not dealing with within themselves, and has nothing actually to do with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become uncomfortable when speaking on why I have chosen to give up alcohol for the rest of my life, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate my decision to give up alcohol with 'being a part of desteni'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must share all points of desteni, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not sharing all points in relation to desteni to those that I work with and associate with in the matrix.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is self-dishonest to not share every point that is related to desteni, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live the realization that there is common sense and practicality to consider in terms of what and whom I share about desteni.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live the realization that I am able to stand as the living words of what I am walking within process by sharing my actual self-experiences and perspectives while sharing how desteni assisted me, sharing who and what I am and what I no longer accept or allow, instead of sharing a 'message' of desteni that is coming from knowledge and information that is of mind and separation.

I see that the self-corrective application here is to speak directly my own experience, perspective, and insight on what it is that I do and how I came to that realization. Within this I am able to self-honestly consider in the context of the moment whether it would be cool to share desteni material or information about desteni to another, being clear within self that I am not 'preaching' or wanting to 'change another' or wanting to 'convert' another and that the words I speak and share are the words that I live.

I am reminded here of Bernard speaking on the point of it is cool when one is absolute and will not break from walking the principle that desteni stands for, but when one walks in the matrix one must be able to bend and not break.

I see that I am able to 'bend' and take into consideration the 'bigger picture' within not compromising my principle and self-standing as I walk and work within the matrix.



Besides that uncomfortableness with sharing why I have quit drinking, I see that my stance within the point of alcohol is clear – I had no points of considering drinking or giving in to 'peer pressure' or compromising. I see that I cannot and will not be moved by the point of alcohol, so it is cool to see that point is solid.


Points to take on here -

continue to push the point of sharing self as the living words – do NOT project or speak knowledge and information.

Clearing self of energetic starting-points before speaking/chatting with others and do not participate within gossip within my secret mind or with others in my world/reality.