4-25-09

Slept about 6.5 hours.

Got to work... still not getting myself any food in the morning... settled for a cheese danish from the break room vending machine at work to go along with an energy drink.

The morning was slow. Not many customers. Had time to chat with co-workers. I begin telling people that my last day at this store will be tomorrow.

Day became very very busy. Almost non-stop around 10:30am. Am finding myself less entangled within projections, fantasies, and thoughts within my mind, but still not fully present with each breath.

Still having issues with taking a moment to look at and admire some of the girls... though for the moment I am satisfied that I am not allowing further indulgence in private thoughts. Enjoy for the moment while it is here, then on to the next moment.

Was dishonest in my announcement of my last day with coworkers. I used the statement as a means to judge whether the particular co-worker would miss me... using their reactions to justify my opinions about them and about myself... again basing my worth upon the thoughts of others.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell people of my last day as a means to gauge whether they "liked" me or would miss me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell people of my last day as a means to garner feelings from them which I am draining from them and feeding my own mind constructs with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to know how others feel about me and whether or not they "like" me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to actually stand up within self and STOP this behavior even though I was fully aware of the deception and manipulation going on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my self to indulge in my self interest and to manipulate others into showing me a reaction from which I make further judgments.



After work, I drove home. Began to feel uneasy about having to drive up to my new location. I have not been driving very long... and it had been many years before I even started driving again. Still a lot of fears and anxiety relating to driving to places by myself and driving to places I'm not familiar with. Much of this has to do with fear of being lost or having no guidance.

I watched a movie to pass the time and waited for it to get later in the evening, when I felt there would not be as many cars out. I walked out into the driveway and got into the car, nerves already tightening against the chill of the night breeze. I tried to breathe, and said a few lines of self forgiveness on the fears I was having. Without letting my mind create more scenarios to generate worry and fear in me, I pulled out and began my drive.

I pushed myself through the fears and anxiety and drove up to my new work location. During the drive there was no anxiety. Just driving very carefully. There was fear at a few points, but was able to stabilize myself. At one point I was driving noticeably slower than I should have... the car in front of me was way ahead... and the car behind was looming up almost directly behind me... close enough to bump me. Obviously the driver behind me was showing signs of wanting to go faster. I mustered up my speed and caught on with the flow. I realized that I was driving in fear... and let it go and instead just drove without giving the matter any further contemplation. My only thoughts were of my direction, speed, the other cars, and looking out for my destination.

Pulled up to the front of my new workplace... took a look as I drove by... and then continued my way back home. No fear on the way back home besides a few sharp bends that I did not expect. Still not used to making turns and bends at higher speeds, but managed just fine.

Got back home, and started writing this out.

What is interesting is that during my actual drive, the anxiety and fear was almost non existent. Just being here, driving, being careful and taking it all in my own pace. No problems. For me, this is quite meaningful, as my fears of driving have been a very big limitation. Before I became aware of this process, I did not think I would be able to ever drive effectively. Forcing myself to actually go out and drive was definitely effective, after stopping the thoughts and using some self forgiveness.

I'm seeing now how SF is just a clearing... to enable you to direct yourself clearly and without any interference from mind constructs, emotions, fears, etc. The ACTUAL change comes from... well... ACTUALLY CHANGING.

4-23-09

Staggered sleep schedule. Got a call from work asking me to go in early because somebody called out.

Eager to say yes. Perhaps too eager to please. Too eager to present myself as the dependable person when in fact I cannot be depended on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consistently portray myself as the idea of somebody who is dependable instead of actually being the source of my own dependability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself as an illusion of dependability to others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to stand within and as my own dependability, equal and one to my own dependability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot depend on myself or rely upon myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to be worthy and equal to self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself as a means to not have to trust myself or depend on myself.

got to work. busy day. constantly busy with customers who seem more like vultures picking at the dying flesh of fresh carrion. did not give myself time to stop and have breakfast. worked through an empty stomach until lunch break.

felt uneasy and unstable. constant feeling that i am not able or competent to handle even my most basic job duties.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel incompetent and nervous about myself.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to consistently doubt myself and generate energy around my self doubt, which i hold on to until it actually manifests.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to constantly second guess myself and lock myself down into a state of fear and insecurity, paralyzed by my own irrational fear of self.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to submerge myself within the design of fear, insecurity, incompetence, and unworthiness instead of remaining HERE as that which is HERE equal and one with each breath.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be lead around by my mind constructs instead of being the self directive principle of me.

had a moment when i had to do mental math to figure out the correct amount of change to give back to a customer, and locked myself into doubt, nervousness, and insecurity instead of taking on the challenge equal and one with each breath HERE. Had to invent an excuse to the customer "sorry, my math isn't as good as it was", which led the customer to assure me that i had indeed done the math right, which i then used to comfort myself and justify myself with.

i forgive myself that in that moment of having to depend on myself to get myself through the situation, i accepted and allowed myself to react in fear and doubt and insecurity and be lost within those reactions instead of seeing directly and applying myself HERE to realize that i was not fucking up and that i was fully capable of doing the math on my own without a machine.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to instantly delude myself and justify myself and completely brush aside my reactions of fear and insecurity based on the customer's comment of "no, you had it right the first time" and taking that comment to hide behind and pretend i never doubted myself in the first place, thus creating a timeloop for myself.

i forgive myself that i am constantly afraid of facing myself honestly and fully.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to such an extent that i actually fear trusting myself.

remained in my mind most of the work day, droning on in my work, not really being present. had a few moments of admiring coworkers that i find attractive.

at closing time, had a big snafu. lost track of a large sum of money that was supposed to be filed away and was in my care. was not present. i do not know where that large sum of money went. will probably find out tomorrow.

i felt the sting of self doubt again. of incompetence. of insecurity. the fear of me not actually being dependable or capable of my assigned duties. manifesting my constructs.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts and opinions of myself being incompetent or somehow unable to grasp basic things that people around me appear to have no trouble with.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to constantly compare myself unfairly to others, and dwell on what i perceive to be my "flaws" and "faults", using these things to fuel my lack of trust in self and my constructs of self doubt and insecurity.

The point of HERE

For clarity I have to preface the point that I do not subscribe to the belief in an almighty "God".

Though as I was contemplating the significance of this, our commonly shared physical reality there was a realization that though I will not claim the existence of a God, I cannot deny that there is a simplistic and very natural "awareness" that is evident all around me.

This "awareness" of which I speak is not some personality or deity. It is not a metaphysical structure upon which is bestowed cosmic influence. I am speaking of a very simple principle of "LIFE" and the natural equilibrium it brings.

Any informed and self honest person can see that human beings are currently busy with our assured self destruction, as we have been for a very long time. We humans have for centuries attempted to make REAL the ideas, beliefs, and opinions that inhabit our minds... at the cost of countless lives and resources... though most importantly at the cost of what is ALREADY here, and is ALREADY very much REAL.

It would seem that common sense was not good enough to appease our self interest to become better than others, to have more than others. It would seem that common sense did not allay our irrational fears and superstitions. It was blind faith indeed that has rendered so many of us sightless for so long before the otherwise undeniable reality laid so plainly before us. And it was this kind of faith... these "secret" worlds of gods and demons, righteousness and profanity, good and evil, all constructed entirely within our minds, which we played across our mind's eye, that has kept so many from seeing in clarity the consequences of what our private ideologies have rendered.

Innumerable lives have been lost to campaigns of ideology clashing against each other, neither side seeing the toll of blood and suffering. Innumerable offenses have been committed under the most supposedly sanctified names and causes such as "God" or "Liberty" while ignoring altogether the profanity and hypocrisy born of such labors.

We have forsaken altogether what is before us... what has always been here. We have turned our sight away from reality in favor delusions of our own design, and have traitorously turned our backs to the one and only thing we all have in absolute common- LIFE, in all it's forms as they exist unconditionally here in the physical realm.

And what is now growing more evident by the day to me is that LIFE cannot be denied, despite how deeply we have entrenched ourselves into our vested beliefs and opinions. LIFE cannot be ignored. And it will not stand the inequality and abuse that has been carried out in it's name. We have for a very long time now not been alive as the animals and plants have been alive here in the physical... we have been alive only in the sense of ego, personality, opinion, religion, and self interest. We have, in accepting our opinions and self interest as being more important than common sense and supporting LIFE, given permission for LIFE to stop supporting us.

This fatal error and lapse of common sense on our part is quickly manifesting it's due consequences. Life will take no more self interest, as life is not self interest. LIFE will not accept faith as a justification for our actions, for LIFE is not a faith. LIFE will not care about our opinions, as LIFE is not an opinion.

There is much that we are missing. There is so much more to what is HERE than what we so covet within the context of our minds. There is a true potential here that has not been considered.

This planet. This physical reality. What it can offer is unimaginable. We have a working system in which two entirely different human beings can both look at the same large rock here on earth, and both will perceive the exact same physical qualities and feel the same physical textures, and both would very easily come to agreement that "Yes, this is indeed HERE, and is indeed a large rock."

It would not matter if one of these humans believed in God and the other did not. It would not matter if one of these humans was wealthy and the other was destitute. It would not matter if one of these humans lived in a democracy and the other in a dictatorship. It would not matter if one human was a murderer who has slaughtered thousands in cold blood and the other has lived a life of charity and personal sacrifice. Both cannot honestly deny what is HERE. And still the same would be true of hundreds of millions of humans each looking at and touching that same large rock. The implications of this should be immense.

Consider what would happen if two beings decide to examine something not inherently HERE, and is instead something constructed within the mind? Suppose that two beings come into a discussion on what is "evil". Suddenly all that is already existing here becomes disregarded... and what quickly ensues is a confrontation of opinions and ideas between two minds, each grappling with principles that cannot be resolved commonly and absolutely HERE within the context of what exists. This becomes a war fought upon imaginary grounds, yet bears a very REAL cost... in that eventually these mental skirmishes become REAL skirmishes played out by REAL lives, using REAL resources.

And again, the same is true of confrontations between millions of people. None able to truly resolve their dispute, and none willing to return to common sense and and work with what is indeed already here and cannot be refuted except by the willfully dishonest.

For too long humanity has waged war not only against himself, but against common sense. In the pursuit of vanquishing our created enemies, we have plundered the earth, poisoned it's air, polluted it's waters, and committed innumerable offenses against the natural equilibrium of our shared environment. In the quest of attaining unreasonably higher standards of living to appease our self interest, we have accepted the starvation, exploitation, abject suffering, and murder of others whom we have deemed unworthy of even the most basic of comforts we insist upon having for ourselves. In the endeavor to make real our personal fantasies of power, wealth, beauty, and guiltless self indulgence, we have blinded ourselves from the real world.

Yet... there is an equilibrium built in to all of us. There is a central point of correction that none are able to ever surpass even with the advent of technology and medicine. Each of us will answer to death. Life cannot be ignored forever. Life cannot and will not sustain inequality and abuse. What is here is indeed aware, and will self correct. And when this happens it is not because of vengeance or animosity. It is consequence.

Remove all humans from the planet and our corrupting systems and willful abuse will end. Thus it is not LIFE that is the cause of our plight. It is, and has always been, us. And it is us who must now face the consequences and decide whether we wish to participate equally with LIFE as it exists here, or continue to delve ever deeper into our false realities and eventually cut ourselves off from LIFE altogether.

consequence

Consequence is neither benign or malicious. It is the only true equilibrium that can be demonstrated, and requires no authority save it's own to carry out it's flawless work.

In or out

As things progress it is becoming clearer to me that there is no "in between". There can be no saving grace by having "good intentions". There is no leeway for "hoping" for the best. There is no extra credit to be earned for having the right attitude.

You are either IN or OUT. Which ultimately means things will get very very ugly very very soon.

I have been on the fence for too long. The time is fast approaching for me to take my stand one way or another. Either I am willing to give up my life and my self interest or I am not.

For too long I have considered myself unworthy of life. To such a degree that I effectively remove myself from being able to live effectively and practically. To such a degree that I have relinquished my own personal stake in the matter of my life and instead seek to enrich the quality of living for others... not seeing in this the separation I have generated.

So am I in or out? Words won't mean anything if they are spoken without presence and self honesty... so there are no words here. There will be only physical and proven action that will answer to which side of the fence I will stand at.