Saturday, April 25, 2009


Slept about 6.5 hours.

Got to work... still not getting myself any food in the morning... settled for a cheese danish from the break room vending machine at work to go along with an energy drink.

The morning was slow. Not many customers. Had time to chat with co-workers. I begin telling people that my last day at this store will be tomorrow.

Day became very very busy. Almost non-stop around 10:30am. Am finding myself less entangled within projections, fantasies, and thoughts within my mind, but still not fully present with each breath.

Still having issues with taking a moment to look at and admire some of the girls... though for the moment I am satisfied that I am not allowing further indulgence in private thoughts. Enjoy for the moment while it is here, then on to the next moment.

Was dishonest in my announcement of my last day with coworkers. I used the statement as a means to judge whether the particular co-worker would miss me... using their reactions to justify my opinions about them and about myself... again basing my worth upon the thoughts of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell people of my last day as a means to gauge whether they "liked" me or would miss me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell people of my last day as a means to garner feelings from them which I am draining from them and feeding my own mind constructs with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to know how others feel about me and whether or not they "like" me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to actually stand up within self and STOP this behavior even though I was fully aware of the deception and manipulation going on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my self to indulge in my self interest and to manipulate others into showing me a reaction from which I make further judgments.

After work, I drove home. Began to feel uneasy about having to drive up to my new location. I have not been driving very long... and it had been many years before I even started driving again. Still a lot of fears and anxiety relating to driving to places by myself and driving to places I'm not familiar with. Much of this has to do with fear of being lost or having no guidance.

I watched a movie to pass the time and waited for it to get later in the evening, when I felt there would not be as many cars out. I walked out into the driveway and got into the car, nerves already tightening against the chill of the night breeze. I tried to breathe, and said a few lines of self forgiveness on the fears I was having. Without letting my mind create more scenarios to generate worry and fear in me, I pulled out and began my drive.

I pushed myself through the fears and anxiety and drove up to my new work location. During the drive there was no anxiety. Just driving very carefully. There was fear at a few points, but was able to stabilize myself. At one point I was driving noticeably slower than I should have... the car in front of me was way ahead... and the car behind was looming up almost directly behind me... close enough to bump me. Obviously the driver behind me was showing signs of wanting to go faster. I mustered up my speed and caught on with the flow. I realized that I was driving in fear... and let it go and instead just drove without giving the matter any further contemplation. My only thoughts were of my direction, speed, the other cars, and looking out for my destination.

Pulled up to the front of my new workplace... took a look as I drove by... and then continued my way back home. No fear on the way back home besides a few sharp bends that I did not expect. Still not used to making turns and bends at higher speeds, but managed just fine.

Got back home, and started writing this out.

What is interesting is that during my actual drive, the anxiety and fear was almost non existent. Just being here, driving, being careful and taking it all in my own pace. No problems. For me, this is quite meaningful, as my fears of driving have been a very big limitation. Before I became aware of this process, I did not think I would be able to ever drive effectively. Forcing myself to actually go out and drive was definitely effective, after stopping the thoughts and using some self forgiveness.

I'm seeing now how SF is just a clearing... to enable you to direct yourself clearly and without any interference from mind constructs, emotions, fears, etc. The ACTUAL change comes from... well... ACTUALLY CHANGING.

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