“Pieces of Self and the Process of Bringing it all Back”

Joe Kou

2/19/2012

For many years I have existed within a resistance to traveling to certain places and in general 'being in public' due to having suppressed myself and isolated myself throughout my life – where over time, I developed and kept feeding into a fear and resistance of being in the 'outside world' and participating in 'normal life'. My way of overcoming this was to create personalities and different 'versions' of 'me' which I would prepare and present myself as in order to defend myself from the fears and resistances that I had created within my mind. I discovered that by creating separate personalities within my mind and then 'stepping into' these personalities, I am able to interact with my world and suppress the fear and resistances – in this way 'at least' I was able to get around and get things done.

An example of this would be having a certain personality prepared in case I would encounter a being in my world that might ask me a question related to something that I have suppressed within myself and did not want to expose and would rather keep secret – I would thus create a 'backstory' and have excuses and justifications ready so that if I were to face such a situation I would already be prepared and would not be caught 'off guard' and would be able to maintain what I believed to be a social acceptance from other beings in my life. For every 'fault' that I saw within myself, or any point that I was ashamed of, I would have personalities and stories and excuses prepared for and developed the 'skill' of keeping my 'stories' straight as people in my world sometimes intermingle and I would have to 'manage' the relationships in ways that would allow me to continue the false personalities that I had sold myself as.

As I matured these personalities also evolved and became more sophisticated – along with the backstories and justifications that I had created to support the presentation of myself as I interacted with the world – continuing to suppress and hide and judge myself for 'being this way' while at the same time creating, feeding, and maintaining more and more fake personalities in order to 'fit in' and as I began to work and make a living to support myself, the personalities were also linked and connected to my survival within the matrix – wherein my ability to maintain my personalities became a part of my actual survival in this world.

What I have come to see within having lived in this way is that I have not in fact established ME as life and that I actually do not know 'how to be me' because for the majority of my life now I have only existed as these separate personalities – shifting like a chameleon from one personality/dimension to the next, constantly trying to 'hold on' to a sense of 'self' but never actually facing me and standing and expressing as me.

Now, looking at the relationships that I have created within my life I see that I have not actually gotten to know another person no matter how close I may have been to that person – because I have never actually gotten to know myself – I have rather been busy shifting from one personality to another always trying to survive and always trying to further suppress the points of pain, anger, frustration, hatred, jealousy that I have carried within myself, fearing to express those dimensions of myself and fearing to lose the perceived 'stability' that the relationships in my world seemed to provide – when in fact all I was doing was placing more and more barriers between me and my actual experience of myself in the form of friends and social interactions and professional relationships that supported my suppression and accepted/validated the false presentations of me.

It is not a pleasant realization – to self honestly see and investigate what one has buried and resisted and feared to face and seeing that due to not facing such points immediately and having the courage to live as who we are within self honesty in each moment, we end up looping ourselves constantly and continuously and eventually we become directed by and consumed by the very ghosts we tried to banish into the dark recesses of our minds, tucked behind the veneer of fake faces and personalities for fear that if we actually were to speak up and share ourselves and dare to actually stand up we would be rejected and cast out, not seeing and realizing that we are in each moment already rejecting and casting ourselves out – we are not allowing ourselves to see who we are in self honesty and we are not allowing ourselves to actually and practically heal the wounds we inflict upon ourselves within our self-dishonesty and self-separation. We end up as 'broken' people – beings composed of pieces and splinters and fragments of a life that was once whole, existing as several different fragments – each piece a remnant from some event or situation in our lives in which we did not trust the totality of ourselves as life and instead compromised ourselves – whether it is a 'little white lie' we tell to a friend to help them cope but not in fact assist them practically to face directly what was going on in their lives because we were more concerned with keeping the friendship than supporting the other person in facing themselves, to the moments where we knew we were abusing ourselves with destructive behavior but did not stop ourselves and simply accepted the abuse as who we are, or believing that we deserve such abuse and self flagellation, or perhaps we believed that there is something wrong with us as we compared our actual experience to the picture that we see in the world, not realizing that people just like us are likely holding on to the same pain, the same guilt, the same broken pieces stitched together as a presentation never actually certain of it's real expression because it is constantly broken down and rearranged to hide it's incongruities.

So here I am sharing and taking responsibility for my own point of having existed not as myself as the point of realizing that I have been hiding all my life from myself – and in this I have neglected the actual relationships in my world and have not established who I am. I am sharing this because I see that we do NOT have to exist this way and that we ARE able to release ourselves from the pain, from the secrets, from having suppressed ourselves for so long as the life that we all all. We do not have to judge ourselves for what we have done – we do not have to hide or feel ashamed for what we have become as a result of not facing ourselves and fearing to not be able to survive or function in this this world. We do NOT have to fear our own fear!

I am sharing this story of me because this story, unlike others that I have created in my life to support personalities with which to hide myself behind – is the actual 'story' of me as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and what I am doing now that I have the tools and support to see myself, face myself, and change myself so that we no longer need to fear one another – so that we can begin to create a world in which no matter where we are, no matter whom we interact with, no matter what has occurred within our lives that caused us to give in to our fear and compromise ourselves, we can immediately stand up, speak, and share ourselves with one another and realize that nothing is ever personal – that we have, together, created a world based on suppression, distrust, and fear and that we are the solution by stopping that suppression, stopping the distrust, and stopping the fear that exist within ourselves.

How many of us have lived in this way our entire lives, believing that the only way to survive is to maintain the characters we must play in the relationships we have created as a reaction to a world system that does not support life equally? Let us stop blaming ourselves for what we have had to do to ourselves and each other in our fear for survival – stop regretting the lies and dishonesties upon which we have build the world as it exists today and the precious moments of life we have given up to our minds and personalities and fears and limitations and from HERE, walk a process of self-forgiveness, self-honesty, and self-change and bring all of the pieces of self back TOGETHER.

So let us stop fearing to share ourselves – stop fearing to care about ourselves and each other – stop believing that our pains and fears must be kept hidden instead of realizing the solution of standing up within and as our fears and pains and ending the isolationism that has kept us so separate from ourselves and each other that we have forgotten that the voices in our head are not real and that the pains and struggles that any being faces in this world are equally our own.

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Great Change Is Only Possible TOGETHER

Yesterday at work I found myself in a situation where I required to get some very large items moved from one place to another, and it was clear that I was not going to be able to do it by myself - yet I was tasked with getting this particular project done, so I had to find a way. The solution was clear - get some help!


I realized how simple and effective it is to simply WORK TOGETHER.But why is this a realization instead of being plain and simple common sense?




The points that came up within me had to do with the fact that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within competition and desire to achieve as an individual instead of being humble with my abilities and setting aside my ego in order to get done what requires to be done. So in that moment of seeing that I was not capable of moving all of the large, heavy items to where they needed to be, and that this was a task that was time-sensitive and required to be done so that other projects can continue, I had to face myself within the point of fearing that by asking for help, fearing others would see me or judge me as ineffective or incompetent, fearing that others would lose respect for me as a worker if i had to ask for assistance on a task that I was assigned, fear of disappointing my superiors who trusted the task to me, fear that I would not be given as much work in the future or that I would be excluded from consideration of further responsibilities, and fearing that others would judge me as weak - both in terms of physical strength as well as general competency in regards to completing tasks - all of which come from the mind/ego - the ghost in my head that speaks to me and informs me of who I am supposed to be in order to continue existing as a mind-consciousness-system instead of being the directive principle of myself and determining for myself what I will accept and allow and what I will participate in. This is the separation that exists within myself which allows for self-defeating back-chat as ego - not wanting to appear 'weak' to others so that I can continue to compete - instead of realizing that the most practical solution and what is best for all is to drop the ego and simply work with what is here in a way that considers everyone equally - thus competition becomes irrelevant - and counter productive to achieving the result of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist asking for help because I want to be seen as effective by others at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by my physical strength and stature in comparison to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must compete and be seen as strong and competent at work. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am the definition of a 'male' and that within such a definition I must be strong and able to take on anything by myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having people judge me for being weak. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider trying to get things done on my own, my own way, instead of facing my own point of shame and embarrassment within judging myself for not being the definition of a 'male' as portrayed within society and media. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I ask for help and assistance then I am weak and should not be considered worthy.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am in competition with others and that others must not see me as weak. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that asking for help and assistance are indications of weakness instead of it simply being one person asking for help and assistance from others. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not being able to complete the project alone.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to unrealistic standards of what I think a male is supposed to be or act like. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought of getting it done by myself so as not to have others come to help me despite knowing that I am not able to complete the task on my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my manager would judge me for not finishing a task that he assigned to me. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as my ego and as a person who 'does not ask for help', which is really just to keep me limited within my self-definitions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within self-interest and fear of facing myself within humbleness, compromise myself by resisting to use the course of action that is best for all so that I may remain in my own point of personal achievement. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I as the person "Joe Kou" am special and deserve special consideration that supersedes that which is best for all, and within this i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist getting help and making sure my task is completed due to not wanting to humble myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to protect myself from the judgment of others when in fact it is always Self-Judgment.


I STOP. I am not here to participate within limitations and fears. I am here to sort out the mess of this 
existence and it begins with sorting out the mess within myself. I stand HERE as the directive principle of me and I will myself to make my decisions based on what is BEST FOR ALL.


I will myself and insist that when I notice myself in such points of not wanting to humble myself and desiring to present an image of effectiveness when in fact I am not, within self honesty, capable of doing something without support - bring myself back HERE and ask myself the question "Is this best for all?" and "Am I being the example I wish others will follow?" And I will direct myself accordingly instead of giving energy to thoughts within back-chat and ego.
  
This led me to investigating the bigger picture of reality - how we are so separated and in general uncooperative amongst each other as human beings who must coexist on this planet along with the ecosystems, the animals, the plants, the insects, the bacteria, the atmosphere, etc. Humanity has separated itself into billions of 'individuals' with individual needs, wants, egos, desires; which for the most part will vary from one individual to another - yet the vast majority of those wants, needs, and desires have nothing at all to do with practical reality and are based only on the idea of the 'individual' who must strive to get the things they want because everyone else is apparently doing the same. Instead of cooperation and naturally seeking ways to do things more effectively as a group, we are trained to do things at the expense of others so that we can attain our own sense of self-satisfaction, competing with each other and only cooperating when we personally have something to gain from that cooperation, or if failure to cooperate undermines our standing and status among others.


In looking at the way in which the guys who came to my assistance worked together as a single unit, I saw how much more effective all things would be if all people were able to unconditionally cooperate, and indeed how limiting and backwards it is to constantly be focused on individual achievement or competition against others when ALL could benefit so much more from cooperation. A task that would have not been possible for any of us to achieve alone was accomplished in a matter of minutes - with minimal strain - and all were got the benefit of having the task done and other projects being able to move forward in a speedy manner. When we stop competing, when we stop trying to be the best, and realize it is not just about our own victories and accomplishments and our own sense of self-satisfaction, we are able to achieve and realize far greater rewards - rewards that extend beyond the mind's concept of 'self' and ripples out into existence.

Imagine a world in which all people saw each other as equals and all participated within unconditional cooperation in order to do things that would not be possible otherwise - imagine what great accomplishments we could all achieve together when we no longer have competition, abuse, separation, superiority, inferiority, fear, and distrust between each other as equal co-creators of this world in partnership with all that is here.

It is up to us to stop the fear and separation and ego within ourselves so that we can stand equal to all who are here and to move together, as one, placing our individual skills and abilities to their greatest utility in realizing a world that is best for all.

BEGIN YOUR JOURNEY

Thus I stand for, support, and apply for myself the Desteni "I" Process, through which we are able to give ourselves the tools, the education, and the support of an entire community of Destonians to forever change ourselves and to dare to stand up in this world and say "Heaven on Earth is not a dream - I insist that it becomes real and I will not stop until all are equally free and equally supported, and I stand as an example of that change."

Through the Desteni "I" Process we change the world - beginning with the world within ourselves, as well as provide ourselves with an opportunity to make an income by living and demonstrating the tools offered in the Desteni "I" Process, thus freeing ourselves from limitations as well as financial burden. Begin your process by visiting the links for more information on how it all works - and contact me when you are ready to begin freeing yourself as well as learning how to support others as well, or if you have any questions about the Desteni "I" Process. Let's walk together into a better world.

Bloggity Vlog - Equalizing self to daily blogging/vlogging and establishing a framework

Last night I did not write a blog or do a vlog, as per my commitment to blogging/vlogging each day, and within looking at this point i see that in the days leading up to this i had been participating in thoughts of needing to get my blogging/vlogging done each day and making it a 'rule' that i do this, thus creating daily blogging/vlogging to be an entity separate from self - something that i required to push myself to do because i had made it a 'rule' and not an actual self-movement. so as i continued to allow pressure, stress, and anxiety over the point of doing a blog/vlog each day, the point compounded and i found myself at a state of not actually being HERE, not actually blogging/vlogging from a starting-point of actual self-expression or self-support - and rather i was actually feeding my mind - feeding the constructs within me - possessed by the idea/thought of having to do a blog/vlog each day - and the resistance grew around that point. i found myself going into stress and anxiety whenever it would get late into the evening and i had not yet done my blog/vlog, and would compound this point of stress and anxiety and 'force' myself through it without actually investigating or supporting myself within the resistance - which only suppressed the point.

i realized that i was not actually writing for self-support - that i was writing just to maintain a commitment to write and post a blog/vlog each day - as though by virtue of me doing the act of posting a blog and uploading a vlog each day i was then 'supporting myself'- when in fact i was supporting an idea/opinion which ultimately lead to a lockdown/possession where i would experience massive resistance due to wanting to present myself a certain way, wanting to 'maintain' my blogging and vlogging to fit the idea i had about it.

so within this i have also constructed the point of polarity within 'not doing a vlog/blog' each day - setting up for myself the eventuality of an energetic 'low' if i do not blog/vlog because the starting point was of energy - of mind.

thus i now support myself to drop all rules - and stick to principle. it is not about whether or not i blog/vlog daily - it is who i am within it all, and how i will direct myself within each moment. it does not actually support me or anyone when i am not actually sharing self-realization or sharing self within actual vulnerability - it is ego and self-interest to want to blog/vlog from a starting-point of wanting validation or seeking some form of acceptance/redemption.

the correction here is not to stop blogging or vlogging daily - nor is it to force myself to blog/vlog from a starting-point of ego/mind. it is to clear the starting-point and get self-honest with who i am in the point of blogging/vlogging so that i am HERE and not writing from/as the mind and not going into energetic possession or losing myself within knowledge/information within my vlogs.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within blogging and vlogging daily

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to resist and compound the resistance to blogging and vlogging daily within separating self from blogging and vlogging and creating blogging and vlogging as a 'rule' that must be followed

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear others judging me for not blogging/vlogging daily each day

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not blogging/vlogging each day

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i cannot share myself unconditionally and that i must be 'clear', and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to place pressure upon myself to constantly and continuously be 'expanding' and 'bettering' myself and sharing this expansion of self within my blogs and vlogs

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i must be a 'model' for others in terms of self-expansion and self-correction, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not changing, not expanding, not living up to the 'model' that i believe i must be

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind within it's interpretation of how i am doing within my process and within this, i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others and judge myself as inferior to the expression of others in blogs and vlogs.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing self, and within this, i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that that which can be deleted was ever real or of actual substance

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am my mind and that the thoughts, emotions, and feelings that my consciousness experiences is real or lasting or special in any way.

I am HERE - and my starting-point within blogging and vlogging daily is to support myself within self-expansion and self-realization - and within this it is not about making sure that i post or upload something every day - it is to make sure that i am not in my MIND every day. always it is the starting-point that determines the manifested consequences.

When i see that it is not practical/effective for me to vlog or post a blog, i will not do so and will direct myself and support myself through applying self-forgiveness spoken or written, and/or i will support myself by investigating what is the actual resistance/fear that is in the way, and/or i will support myself within moving and participating within my actual reality if i see i am getting locked down and going into resistance doing the writing or vlogging, and/or i will assist myself within directing myself to take a nap and 'sleep it off' and return to the point the moment i wake up, and/or i will see whether there is something in my actual physical participation that requires change or direction.

i continue my application of blogging/vlogging - without holding on to any ideas or thoughts/opinions or making it a 'rule' that must be followed - and simply move myself within the point and trust self to direct self in that moment if i see that vlogging/blogging will not be effective/practical to do in that moment.

Clearing the Fear - Investigating and Correcting Points of Fearing to Change

After reading Andrea's blog post on moving through resistances while blogging/vlogging, i saw how i have not been as effective as i can be within my blogging and self writing.

i see that as i have taken on this point of blogging daily (nightly), i have seen a pattern emerge wherein i meet up with a lot of resistance within writing - often physically falling asleep and typing gibberish on the keyboard and having to 'force' myself to remain HERE - and only writing out a few coherent paragraphs without actually directing or supporting myself through the point. Doing my writing during the morning is definitely more practical and support for me, and i will continue to push myself to write earlier instead of waiting until later in the evening - however i must still support myself through the resistances and blockages so that i am actually moving myself within self-change.

what i see here is that i have been facing some suppressed points lately - and compounded self definitions are now 'coming up' to the 'surface' - and there is definitely resistance blogging/vlogging - because in self-honesty i fear changing - i fear actually having to lose my comfort zone. i fear having to actually let it all go and walk into the 'unknown', letting go of what i have defined myself as within my ego/personality design which i have depended on for 'survival' within this matrix world - thus there is a resistance in the form of wanting to 'hold on' to my self-definitions within having accepted such definitions as self.

it was suggested to write down the points that i have been working with for the last few months and note the points where i have not changed or actually lived self-correction - and investigate what it is that i am holding on to - taking into consideration where i am currently and what it is that i am still holding on to - what are the points of self-definition, memories, experiences i am not at this moment willing to let go of completely? where in my world now am i relying on my 'old' self in order to get by?

Here I compile a list of points that i have been working on and have not made progress with. I will be taking these points one at a time to write out the specific resistances/fears as well as what i am holding on to as a survival mechanism before moving on to the next point.

The first point i will take on within this application is the point of procrastination -

Procrastination - I continuously allow myself to be distracted within my mind, and allow myself to put things off instead of dealing with things directly. I am still allowing self to wait until it is late into the evening before getting things done, or postponing certain chores or errands due to participating in thoughts wherein i am projecting myself doing the task and creating resistances, fears, anxiety over what requires doing - which is a tactic that my personality design uses to not actually deal with or take on a point in my actual reality and then blame it on not having enough 'time' or not being prepared.

The trigger/entry for this is when i begin to think about the things i require to get done - and within this start to conceptualize and internalize the doing, and allowing self to get lost in the internalization of the point instead of addressing the point in the physical. This is a coping mechanism wherein i allow myself to justify and remain within my self-limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not able to get things done in a practical manner.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am 'a failure' and within this, i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to disregard who and what i am here.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fall for the mind's tactic of using memories and events/experiences out of context and creating new thoughts and pictures which i then react to and allow self to be influenced by.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to rush through the points that require doing because of procrastination.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as procrastination in order to cope with fear, anxiety, and nervousness which stem from thoughts i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate as a means to not actually change and remain within the comfort zone built up by my ego/personality

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear actually taking responsibility for all aspects of my life.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to depend on 'rushing' through what i have to get done in order to not actually face my own fear of doing something wrong, messing up, or looking foolish - which is actually more likely to happen if/when i rush.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to put things off until the last moment so that i can distract myself within the 'deadline' and stress and tension in order to not face my own points.

I will continue with further investigation on this point and follow up with self correction.

_____________________________________________________________________

Other points that i have mapped out for myself are below, which i will work through one at a time.

Driving
School/Study
Self-Doubt/Self-Limitation
Defensiveness/Reaction to Points being called out
Suppressing points/internalizing
Nervousness/Anxiety
Establishing myself within the matrix - getting a job that supports me effectively

Deconstructing the Tower of Defense - Part 1

There is no single thought, no single point of dishonesty within and as myself that has not existed or does not currently exist within others. There is no such thing as a 'special' or 'unique' case of dishonesty, which is what I as the ego/mind would have me believe and accept in order to participate within reaction/self-judgment/guilt if/when a point becomes exposed – going into an energetic reaction experience of 'oh fuck, I am the most evil being in existence for having this point' – within this actually feeding and giving all of my power over to the ego which apparently is 'too great and evil' to be faced by 'little old me'.

There is ALWAYS a lie within and as the mind and there is not one being in this existence that can truly and self-honestly say they are without dishonesty and without points of separation/self-interest/fear. Thus we walk this process of stopping our participation within the secret chambers of the mind and to walk ourselves into and as the physical to exist here without the secret thoughts and internal baggage that has consumed the expression of life here in this reality. We have existed here within and as layers upon layers upon layers of deception in order to survive as energy – as separation – as 'specialness' – and there is not one being that is innocent of this, and there is absolutely no point in blaming – as we are all equal in the participation of the design of this reality – because if we are HERE, it is directly because of the abuse all have accepted and allowed within the mind – we are the descendants, legacy, and progeny of dishonesty, here to face the 'sins of our fathers' as ourselves.

I am seeing that it is only within and as the secret-mind that one's inner secrets, thoughts, desires, fears, anxieties, fantasies, pictures, and dishonesties compound and become greater and greater – taking on a 'life' of their own to such an extent that a separation actually occurs within self – wherein there is a 'split' within and as self that has given itself over and abdicated itself completely to and as the inner secrets, thoughts, desires, fears, etc, which then manifest as a dimension of our personalities – an aspect of 'who and what we are' within the design of ourselves as the mind/ego, which fights and defends itself because we have fought for and defended these points within and as ourselves, giving them value, giving them the life that we are – and thus are resistant to letting go of, since we have allowed ourselves to invest 'so much' of ourselves as life into such points within the mind.

I see that the points of dishonesty which I am not yet willing to face and take responsibility for are the points that I react to and want to hide from when it is exposed, and it is precisely because these points have existed within and as 'me' within my secret-mind, within and as my 'secret compartment' where I have invested self into defending and protecting these points, creating separate aspects and dimensions of 'self' as personality which serve to 'guard' these points, that I as personality 'get defensive' and 'take it personally' when a point becomes exposed and I am there in a 'vacuum' no longer able to remain safe within the walls that had been build up around the point to not be exposed. There is the initial 'shock' within as as my system-design as ego/mind where I am suddenly 'naked' and 'helpless', and thus seek for 'cover' in order to survive and continue as the ego/mind.

This writing comes from me reflecting and seeing into myself in relation to the point of how I react and go into defensiveness and try to 'scramble for cover' in order to not have to lose a point of self-definition within my personality/mind/ego.

What is fascinating is that dishonesty can only happen within and as the mind, within the 'secrecy' we believe exists within and as the mind, and within these secret chambers we layer ourselves as the myriad points of self-definition, justification, fears, desires, pictures, memories, experiences, etc., compounded over the years of our existence within defining/defending ourselves as such points, and what I see is that the great majority (the ones I am currently aware of personally within myself) of such definitions are tied to fear of loss – fear of death – and are creations for and as 'survival' within a system that must feed/prey upon life and exploit/abuse the 'weak', which is the system in which our current reality is based, which is manifested currently as the money-system and survival system.

I see for myself how over the years, MONEY has been the main point where the design of myself has been influenced. Learning from my earliest memory how my parents and other adults would function and relate to each other – which is completely based on money and survival within the system, seeing how only certain-specific people within my world as my 'family' are 'allowed' to interact with each other in certain ways and people that are 'strangers' are simply ignored and regarded suspiciously – learning here that there are some people that are 'okay' and others who are 'not okay', that there is something one must be 'on the lookout for' and only regard one's own circle/family and never dare to open up or 'expose self' to 'strangers' – which is a direct outflow of a system where there is no guarantee of survival/support and we must actually compete with each other and regard each other as 'competitors'. Then, entering school where I remember learning more about forming groups, sticking to your group – your class mates, your friends, and competing with others - being 'graded' and regarded according to how well you performed and competed against other children's grades and performances. Then entering 'high school' where during one's most pivotal developmental stages in transitioning from a youth into a young adult, most of us are placed into schools where there is confusion, fear, anxiety, and survival programming rampant in all aspects of school activities from classes, to teachers, to curriculum, to 'friends' and fellow students – where one finds and creates personalities and self-definitions in order to 'cope with' and 'survive' within such environments so as not to be 'taken advantage of'. Some seek comfort within popularity and acceptance from fellow students, some rebel against the 'mainstream system' and become outcasts – yet still clinging to self-definitions within the group of outcasts at the school. Some become 'loners' who do not fit anywhere with anyone and have taken it upon themselves to see themselves through within isolation and defensiveness, and some become 'social butterflies' who flit and flutter into any and all groups in order to fit in and not be disregarded by any group in particular. Others find other ways of coping and dealing with this reality but always it is MONEY that determines such relationship-designs and personality-designs. And then as one becomes an adult and must enter the 'matrix' and find a way to survive in the physical and realizing that one MUST have money, even more self-definitions and personalities are created and formed in order to navigate the matrix whether somebody becomes an academic and becomes established within the system, or enters the work force and earns their living through labor, or rebel against the system and find other ways to survive yet still being wholly and totally dependent on the system, or some are fortunate to be among the small handful of elite who have no such worries while the rest of humanity – certainly the majority – must scrape out a living for themselves in the same constant fear and worry over survival and money that is programmed in from the birth of each human. And in all cases, those who manipulate, deceive, and are the most dishonest are able to make the best money and have the best lives – which is what I wanted for myself but was also wanting to be seen by others as 'dignified' and 'hard-working' and 'dependable' – which is another layer of deception to cover my actual intention of wanting to have comfort and luxury for myself but not being willing to be seen as deceptive and manipulative in order to get it.

Thus I see that I have become a 'survivor' by layering myself within and as several self-definitions and personalities which I have created and adopted for myself in order to compete and manipulate and secure for myself a 'piece' of 'stability' and 'survival' within the current design of the world as well as the current design of the mind-consciousness-system – money and survival being the outer experience of the physical and ego and secret-mind being the 'inner' experience within self as the mind.

I see that I am alone responsible for having created and installed system of dishonesty and manipulation in order to take from others, deprive from/of others in order for me to have, within accepting the condition and belief of scarcity and competition and 'survival of the fittest', putting on my most deceptive smile and 'fake face' in order to not expose my own perceived weakness so to not appear enticing to those who may come and take from me as I have taken from others.

In no way does this indemnify the fact that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist and accumulate for myself my current design. In no way is any of this justifiable or excusable or acceptable. Yes, I have created my design 'by force' in order to survive as 'others' have – yet I AM the 'others' and I am equally responsible for the fuck-up of this reality.

I am not 'special' in having formed a survival system which I have invested myself into – we have all done this in our own way. While I cannot change others, cannot convince others, cannot convert others, I AM able to take responsibility for myself and change myself – focusing ONLY on myself and stopping the patterns that I have accepted over the years and to stand then as living-proof that humanity CAN change- that existence CAN be one of support and expression instead of fear and survival.

Do I dare to push myself? Do I dare to care for self as existence enough to let go of my 'personal fears' which serve only to maintain the current system of abuse? That is not a question to be answered in words alone – it is a question that I must be the answer to in living application.

Bringing all of this back to SELF -

I see that I am the only one capable of changing self. Recently I have been having points of frustration and impatience with self when a point is exposed by Lindsay and I go into a point of 'lock-down' and defensiveness, and have judged myself and wanted to justify how/why I am this way and I see that it is specific- that I am holding on to fear of survival as a system within this current world, holding on to my way of 'surviving' and fearing to 'expose' my weaknesses, of which there are a good number. Fearing to have to face those whom I have cheated, lied to, manipulated in order to 'survive', fearing to expose the points where I felt I had to hide myself in order to be acceptable within the system.

I see that I fear to expose myself – fear to lose my ability to 'survive' as the ego which is based on the ability to lie and cheat and manipulate and present myself in certain ways. I see that my specific design has been that of placing value and honor into words – especially the words of others, thus attempting to control others and manipulate others in such a way that promotes myself, defining myself by the words of others as well as my own words, which I see now I have throughout my life manipulated in order to get what I want – using words as 'weapons' in my quest for survival, drawing others with my words who will support me, and driving daggers into those who do not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing myself as the thoughts within my secret-mind as well as the reactions that come up within me as a result of participation within and as the secret-mind, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I expose my secret-mind and the points where I have perceived myself to be 'weak', then I will be 'taken advantage of'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of others whom I have judged as mentally, emotionally, physically, financially weaker than I am in order to solidify my own survival and my own experience of self within the limitation of ego/mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate others with words in order to build for myself a reality that supports me and the secret-mind personalities that I have invested self into for survival

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require to hold on to these personalities within and as my secret-mind in order to effectively survive within the matrix.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others do not do or are not doing what I have done within and as the secret-mind in order to survive within the matrix.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am the 'only one' who has created mind-realities and personalities within and as self and to now fear letting go of that dimension of self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself and cheat myself and lie to myself and abuse myself within existing as the mind-conscious-system within and as my personality/ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I expose a point to Lindsay, she will react/reject me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to and reject others who have exposed points within themselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not unconditionally consider all life as self and to hold on to judgments and comparisons of others within the design of survival, and superiority within and as my ego/mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into immediate fear when Lindsay brings up a point, exposes a point of dishonesty, or pushes me to reveal something of self which I have wanted to keep secret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to design myself within layers of separation, manipulation, dishonesty out of self-interest and fear of loss/survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within and as the design of fear of loss and fear of survival

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of control and the ability to manipulate others with my words and my presentation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pushing through the point of sharing myself and all of my dishonesties and secret-mind thoughts out of fear that others and in this case especially Lindsay as my partner will not be willing to walk with me within self-forgiveness, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist walking myself through any and all points of dishonesty within and as my secret-mind within self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that some things are not able to be self-forgiven, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to grudges and resentments against others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must constantly maneuver self within dishonesty and manipulation in order to keep surviving and protect self from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to present myself as not being self-interested when in actuality I am self-interested and seeking my own survival/comfort

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create/believe the excuse of 'my programming is too ingrained to change dramatically' in order to not push myself and insist that I stop existing within and as this point of self-preservation within and as my personality/ego, and within this walking the practical realization that this will take time and consistent application to effectively remove.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require to exist as personality/ego in order to function within practical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear/resist equalizing my physical expression and my secret-mind within releasing my secrets and facing my fears, anxieties, judgments, and desires so that I am able to exist here one and equal to what is here in fact instead of layering my own secret-mind projections upon life and living expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the contents of my own mind, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give power and influence to the contents of my own mind instead of standing stable within and as self-direction and self-trust to remove all points of fear within self through all of the tools I have at my disposal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not being able to change this pattern overnight and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within myself in impatience and self-judgment for not being able to instantly change self in relation to this point

I see that there are dimensions and layers to this point – and this is something I have accumulated over years of participation within and as my secret-mind. I stop excusing myself and defending myself in order to not have to face this point, and within this I stop judging myself and participating within energy and impatience as well as self-judgment and frustration for not being able to instantly be rid of this point completely. I will walk through this point layer by layer as I become and establish self-direction.

I allow self to live and embrace my weaknesses, my fears, my anxieties, and breathe through my resistances – and to not judge myself if at first I am not transcending these points.

I allow self to walk in humbleness and patience with self through each point and will not allow self to react or judge self for not moving 'fast enough'.

I walk until this is done, moment by moment, reaction by reaction, justification by justification, until all layers have been cleared out. I push myself to speak and share and work through my resistances, fears, and ego until I have fully integrated this change within and as the principle of self.

Time loops for two? NO THANK YOU

A point opened up earlier today while I was having a chat with Lindsay. The point was related to money, and also the point of me not having 'enjoyed myself' within having money to do things like go to concerts, take trips, go to events, or having the ability to simply 'move' self within self-enjoyment and activities.

I have had an ingrained fear of money- specifically fear of 'not having enough money', which has been a prominent experience within my life, having defined myself as a person who 'never has enough money' and existing within and as that self-definition since my teenage years where the point became more prominent.

I have existed within the self-definition of 'I don't have enough money' also as a way to justify not pushing myself, not expanding myself, not being like 'others' who i saw in my world as being 'able to do things that they want' because they have money. having judged and accepted the idea within myself that i am not 'able' to do and have such things i used the point of money as a justification as to why i was not pushing myself to be able to have and do those things. instead of facing self and expanding self i had gone into the point of blaming money and fearing money.

over the years this has accumulated into a self-definition of 'i am a hard worker' and 'i earn my own money and do not rely on others' and also judging others who have money and use it for things that i had judged to be 'wasteful' and 'self-interest/consumerist' which was actually me resenting others for being able to have money to use to enjoy themselves and do the things i wanted to do, but did not allow myself to because of remaining within the self-definitions of 'i don't have enough money and i work hard for the money i have'.

self-honestly, this has been my way of 'coping' with self-limitation and allowing self to live within constant fear and uncertainty over money- which became a kind of 'comfort' because when i do not have enough money, i can get away with not having more responsibilities and not having to face myself within situations that are outside of my safe, routine, self-created bubble.

i see how i have limited myself within not taking on my education, not taking on more responsibilities at work, not allowing myself to get a car, not 'establishing' myself within the matrix, which all conveniently are justified within me 'not having enough money'.

thus this has been a 'core' method of defense for myself as ego/mind/pre-programmed enslavement, wherein i have made 'money' and 'work' a 'touchy' subject for me and have set up walls against it.

this point was opened up when Lindsay asked if I would like to attend some lectures that will be held in Portland. when she sent me the link i saw that the lectures covered very cool topics about sustainability, economics, food, energy, politics, etc and that i definitely wanted to attend, but immediately the point/thought came up of 'how much is this going to cost' and 'i don't think i can afford this'. i exposed to lindsay that i had this resistance come up and we talked about the points and i applied self-correction on fears based on money and also the point of not allowing self to enjoy self within attending events, going out and doing activities, spending money on things within self-expression, but i did not open up all of the points and was still having reactions and fears within self that i did not want to face and expose. Lindsay saw that i was 'sitting on a point' and pushed further and i exposed more, but still i did not open up all the way. i went into instant suppression and buried the points within myself, not wanting to expose my fears related to money, work, and my self-definition and comfort zone within being a 'worker'. i did not want to let go of my 'coping mechanism' of being a 'hard worker'. so when we spoke on the points and Lindsay asked if i was clear or whether i had any points still, i said that i was clear and that i was grateful for having the opportunity to walk through this with her.

so again this point of 'internalization' and wanting to take on points on my own and not exposing myself came to the surface and i did not direct myself within the moment and allowed myself to fall into a time-loop situation where i allowed a point to become suppressed.

on the way to work i noticed that i was not stable within self. i knew that i had fallen on something but was not clear with self and did not want to see that i had participated in deliberate deception in order to not face a point. at work i was very distracted- having many points of projection as well as pictures coming up within me which i was not stabilizing myself through by stopping and remaining here. thus it became clear that i had fucked myself and undermined my standing on the point of stopping my habit of internalizing and wanting to hold on to 'my own process' and not sharing my points, which undermines my trustability within the agreement. i saw that this is not a point i will accept or allow and that i must take responsibility and expose this point.

on the walk home from work, i spoke out loud for/as myself and got myself clear on the point and spoke self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements, and made it clear that i am no longer going to allow this to continue. having any points of not speaking self-honestly in every moment is not acceptable, and i have an opportunity with Lindsay to fully establish my self-honesty with another, thus completely unacceptable in any way whatsoever to speak within a point of defending my ego and not wanting to expose and let go of a point of limitation.

i established for myself the self-corrective action of immediately opening up all points, and when/if Lindsay asks if I am clear, to remain self-honest and say if there is a point or not. if the point has become suppressed and i do not have it within my consciousness but there is still energetic movement, i will express that. if there is a point but it has become suppressed and had become internalized, i express that. i 'out' myself always on all points so that i can let go of these limitations within myself and within all of existence. i remain self-honest always and will work with what is here in full exposure with Lindsay. i support myself by 'outing' the fact that i have a point that is not clear and needs to be worked on, and support myself and allow Lindsay to support me one and equal.

if there is a point, i say there is a point, and work it out from there instead of trying to 'hide' even though i know that there is no possibility of hiding anything within this agreement.

thus i stop this pattern here and now completely and support myself now and always to remain self-honest at all times. i walk this and i stand.

when i got home i called lindsay and woke her up lol. i told her that i had some points that i needed to discuss and we got on skype to chat. i exposed my point of having suppressed a point earlier today, and shared with her what was going on, correcting myself and exposing the entire point as well as establishing the application of if i have a point within self but it has become suppressed, it is 'okay' and i can simply share that i have a point that became suppressed, and Linday and I can then walk through the point from there or I can do self-writing or whatever it takes to clear the point- but to no longer accept in any way dishonesty of any kind and completely opening myself up within sharing. it is not acceptable to create time-loops when they are able to be prevented. i am committed to walk this agreement with Lindsay for the rest of my life - thus any and all time loops i must face, Lindsay must face with me. thus not acceptable to time-loop for two or even for one, for that matter.

to go back to the point of money-

i see that this has been an ingrained point and has been layered within myself over time, but this is NOT an excuse whatsoever to allow self to be directed within and as this limitation and i do NOT accept myself to allow for this point to continue. i take on and walk through all manifested consequence that must be faced in real-time for this point and i no longer re-create it within the mind. i will walk and adjust and correct this point now and always until it stops completely within self and within existence.

i stop existing within and as fear of money and fear of having to face myself within being in an environment where i have not 'planned for', am not 'prepared for', and do not have an established routine that i can follow. i stop existing within and as dependency on a 'routine', which is programming, which is NOT self-expression. i see and live the realization that i am entering a new situation and that i will be okay and not have to worry about survival and money and can experience myself in an 'unknown' frontier.

i let go of any and all fears of 'not knowing' because there is no such thing as actually 'knowing' what will happen. thus i stop existing within that delusion and allow self to experience self within vulnerability as well as self-trust in each moment, raw and 'unprepared'.

i relax NOW instead of waiting to 'relax' when i am physically in Portland with Lindsay.

i live NOW the embodiment of an equal money system instead of waiting for the day it 'happens'.




________ A VIDEO RESPONSE FROM LINDSAY ____________

Identifying and STOPPING the EGO and Daring Myself to LIVE for REAL