Letting Go - Again!

Letting Go - Again!

Joe Kou

1/20/2012

Today in chat I faced a point of reaction within seeing a name attached to the name of another, indicating that the two beings were sharing the same computer and within me I realized that I had points of relationship that I have not let go of or purified within me.

The context of this is that I have shared moments of my life with this other being, and that I am still holding on to old patterns of relationship based on memories and energy – the primary point of which being guilt/shame.

This is a point that is similar (if not the same) as what I had faced before when my first agreement partner and I ended and there was a period in which I still experienced jealousy and had points where I would go into an energetic reaction of shame and guilt which would become actually spiteful and nasty, wherein I would not want the previous partner to 'be well' because that would indicate that in fact I no longer had power or influence and that the former partner has 'let go of me' – and within the ending and cutting of that relationship thread I was left with myself – and I was not okay with myself – and in that moment in my life I had not fully given myself the opportunity to recover and mend and correct myself and had instead walked into another agreement/relationship.

The reaction I faced today carried the same kind of signature – where within myself I experienced a sudden sinking – like a support that was holding up a part of me suddenly gave way and I felt a 'falling' sensation within myself – like a momentary hopelessness or a sudden realization that something has 'changed'.

Placing the experience here again what comes up is the sense that I would no longer be able to 'work out' the issues that I not not resolved within myself, which I believed I required to 'work out' with this other being – I was holding on to an idea and belief that I required to be forgiven by this other being and within this is the hidden agenda – the self interest point – of wanting 'another chance' to walk with this other being – 'another chance' to redefine and change me with this other being – but here what I am implying is that I will not change unless I am with this other being – what I am implying is that my change is conditional and based on wanting to have the experience and relationship associated with this other being, which does not take into consideration the other being at all.

It does not matter whether this other being is now walking with another partner – what I am responsible for is who I am and what I will accept and allow within and as me in relation to this point – do I change if this being is in fact walking another agreement? How am I defining and living the word 'agreement' within myself and how have I designed me in relation to this word, such that I am now experiencing these reactions within me?

So firstly I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to 'hope' of wanting to be forgiven and experience a point of 'acceptance' from the other being which is in fact a self-manipulation to not actually face me and to instead seek ways to justify and validate me as how I am currently existing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to change and embrace me and embody/become my own point of intimacy and self-agreement and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and place myself as inferior to those whom I see or believe to be walking partnerships and agreements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, desire, and wish to walk again with this other being based on the idea/belief that it must be with this specific being for me to work out points that in fact have nothing to do with this being at all – and that in fact what I require to work out-resolve is and has always been within me – thus whether this other being walks an agreement with another is irrelevant to my own point of self-responsibility – which is to stop within myself my own points of dishonesty and separation.

The point of 'agreement', as I have previously defined it, has been within the confines and context of 'relationships' and still carried that element of being with a specific 'other' that would support one in one's walking – but here I did not specify and clarify how to effectively and practically walk that point of 'supporting another' – and I also did not stop within myself the point of letting go of what I want and letting go of desiring my own special experiences and wanting a certain kind of relationship – I did not understand and embrace the point that we are all here and that the context and starting point of an agreement must not be based on personality or ego and must in fact support both beings in being able to expand and support all life as one as equal.

Thus when I see and notice myself experiencing that point of the sudden 'sinking' sensation within me I will stop and support myself first by breathing and not allowing myself to feed the point. I will bring myself back here and then look at the point again and realize that if my reaction is triggered by another or by the idea/belief of agreement then I am still holding on to a self definition that is not in fact supporting me and is not in fact being lived – thus the reaction experience is an indicator for me of where I am still limiting myself to beliefs.

For myself I see that the point of an agreement must be what is best for all – it must be a platform from which two or more beings are able to support one another to be able to stand and support all life – the 'agreement' is not to form separate worlds or separate, private, special relationships and special experiences that exclude, but rather assist and expand both beings to be ever more inclusive in their ability to express and support the life that we all are.

As far as where I am within my process at the moment I see and realize that I have yet to walk through and complete the agreement course and that at the moment I am still facing points within myself that must be addressed and corrected before I am able to consider walking an agreement with another – and within this I see that allowing myself to become distracted and go off into flights of fancy about wanting to establish an agreement without being clear within myself as to where I stand is not acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that I experienced the point of 'loss' and disappointment within myself when considering that a previous partner may now be walking with somebody 'new' and that I am judging myself and holding a grudge against myself for my past and blaming myself for having 'failed' and to further feed the point by believing that because I am not now walking a point of agreement with another that I am in fact 'invalid'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to based 'validity' on whether or not I am walking an agreement and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value agreements more than my own standing – implying that my own standing is not actually me, standing but based on whether or not I am able to manipulate another with my standing so that I am able to then experience myself within the idea of an 'agreement'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the backchat and self-judgment within the belief that the previous partner has done something 'to' me within my idea and belief that they have now entered another agreement and within doing so are disregarding me when in fact I am the one disregarding myself and judging myself and holding a grudge against myself for my own unresolved points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to not face this point and to believe that I can simply suppress this point and not have to actually investigate me and what I am participating in and how my participation effects not only myself but the world that I am co-creating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the shame and guilt within myself for having exposed myself and failed with my previous partner in walking an agreement together is real and that the shame and guilt are greater than me instead of realizing that this is simply self manipulation to not in fact change me and also a form of self abuse so that I never push myself to change and actually be able to walk an effective agreement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'settle' and compromise myself within the idea/belief that I am apparently unable to walk effective agreements instead of taking the points back to myself so that in can in fact – in real time – change me and take responsibility for me and walk an effective agreement having established an effective self-agreement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must rush in to the first opportunity I see to enter an agreement without having established within myself the foundation and support to walk my own process effectively, wherein I am certain that I will not compromise myself or limit myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'take it personally' and to feed further reactions within myself when seeing that my previous partners have or possibly/eventually will have other partners to walk with and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is 'something wrong with me' instead of investigating self to see how it is that I have designed myself in such a way that I am not now walking an effective agreement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of guilt/shame to not fully investigate who I have been and how I have walked my previous experiences with agreements and to correct myself and actually forgive myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to correct my past by walking the agreement again with a previous partner instead of realizing that what requires to be corrected is not the relationship or the memories and experiences but rather it is to correct what is in fact HERE as my current living and participation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at myself and to judge and blame myself for my past and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become spiteful within myself for not having the ability to 'take back' or 'undo' what has been done within the past, instead of realizing that if in fact we were able to 'take back' or 'undo' the past then we would not in fact learn to be self-honest and we would not in fact be able to be held accountable – and in this realization, instead of becoming angry with myself for what I have done in the past I allow myself to see my 'past' as a point of accountability upon which I am able to reflect and adjust and forgive, realizing that in that moment I was not HERE and as a result allowed myself to be directed by energy and by the mind which did not take all points into consideration and from that mistake I am able to learn and adjust myself – thus it is pointless to judge myself and become angry at myself because I cannot change my past because this blinds me to being able to change my present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and condemn myself and abuse myself within backchat as regret and memories and self-talk that does not support me to change me HERE but only serves to re-MIND me of my mistakes and to further associate myself with my past as mistakes and to create a general 'stance' within me and a general self-design of 'a being made of mistakes' – which if I do not change and correct will simply keep making mistakes and keep living in and as the past as regret and shame and guilt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of my shame and guilt because within shame and guilt I am apparently able to hide from myself and not actually see and investigate myself as the past and as the moments in my life in which I have experienced pain or suppressed myself out of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to be directed by shame and guilt instead of practically assisting myself to move and breathe through such points and realize that I am here and that I do not require to judge and hate myself – and to realize that the self judgment and self hatred are only means to manipulate others further in my attempt to not actually take responsibility for self change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of 'I am ashamed' and 'I have done terrible things and feel bad about it' as excuses and justifications which only serve my design as 'ego' and as a point of separation and abdication – I see and realize that I cannot be trusted if I am not willing to fully take responsibility and stop lying and hiding within myself – and within this to realize that there is really NOTHING personal – that we are all in this together – that we must all stand together if we are to really sort out the mess of our existence because we are each creating it.

So here correcting myself within seeing the point that it does not matter whom my previous partners now decide to walk with because it has nothing to do with them in fact – but to do with who I am and what I am participating in as part of my own self-agreement – and within this to realize that agreements are not special – they are not about some beings getting to have a special experience at the exclusion of others – that beings walking together are simply beings walking together and anything else is my own ego – my own 'self godliness' wanting for others to abide by my rules without considering what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in allowing myself to hide behind shame and regret and to define myself as a 'failure' within my walking, abdicate my self-responsibility and to not include MYSELF as life within what is best for all – wherein I adopted a 'martyr' persona out of righteousness and ego that made the claim 'I will allow myself to suffer and not support myself and simply accept that I cannot be trusted and cannot walk with another so woe is me' as a manipulation and self abdication point.

I see the common sense and practicality of walking an effective agreement with another and I see that I am responsible for my own self-agreement – thus I stop beating myself up and stop tormenting myself with the 'past' as judgment and resentment and shame and guilt and realize that I am not a 'defective' person and that it is up to me to create myself and direct my world so that I am able to walk effectively – and should the opportunity arise to walk an agreement with another I will not allow myself to be limited by my backchat and self-doubt.

I stand here, grateful for and as the 'past' and I accept my responsibility to stop being hard on myself and stop defining myself by my failures because I see and realize that doing so will only keep me dissatisfied with self and will only lead me to become progressively spiteful to and toward others as myself who are walking this process one and equal.

What I see here is that relationships are important in this world - and that it will be through the purification and re-alignment of our relationships that will facilitate the changes that we need in this world - and this begins with the relationships within ourselves. There is great support for this development of 'agreements' that begins with self and then extends into our world as we change ourselves and become the living change one by one - until we stand together in ONE relationship based on what is best for ALL LIFE - and for those ready to begin this process of change I suggest starting with the interview series by Alice Bailey on Relationships and Agreements found HERE at the EQAFE store.

Money and Agreements

A few points opened up from an assignment I was doing within the Desteni I Process course - which I will share here.

Within walking an agreement with a partner one of the most challenging points for me thus far has been related to money and points of self-definition that are related to money. 

One evening me and my partner were on our way to a grocery store after a few rounds of bowling at a local bowling alley. After getting the groceries, my partner shared that she had some points in relation to me not saying “thank you”. The point was opened up further – and as the point was being discussed I allowed myself to take things personally instead of slowing down and realizing that she is simply sharing her back-chat and she is speaking out the point to support herself, and that none of what she is experiencing has anything to do with me even if it initially comes out as what I perceive to be blame or projection.

Within me I was having my own back chat within “What the fuck, she is blaming me – she is being righteous.” as well as going into an emotional reaction at that point due to unresolved issues within me that had been triggered in that moment. The issue was that she was experiencing herself as being taken advantage of and that I was not grateful for the point of her paying for things more than I do within our agreement, and within this I have points of guilt and issues of believing self to be inferior within self-judgment. In exploring this point further I realized that I have unresolved issues around money and that these must be cleared up.

Within me, I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I as the 'male' within a relationship, am expected to be the point of financial stability and support, and have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am not that point of financial stability or support, then I am not a 'man', and thus there is something 'wrong' with me that I should be ashamed of. 

There is also some baggage that was not resolved within the relationship I have had with 'money' in my life. So I see the point of correction here would be to redefine who I am in relation to money in my world and to forgive myself of any points that have been unresolved in terms of money in my life and allow myself to change and work through this point. 

It is vital that any points to do with money in terms of walking an agreement with a partner be cleared up and directed - as currently money is directly tied to survival and need - and when there exists anxiety and back-chat about money within the context of survival and need while walking in a partnership with another, the fears and anxieties related to not having money and therefore being vulnerable and exposed to the fear of not being able to survive or sustain self becomes a possessive entity that overrides clear communication and support - where one partner goes into fear of losing/wasting the money if they support the other, and the other fears not having the support where support is needed.

Self-Forgiveness on my ideas about money - 

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for working at a job that does not pay as well as my previous job, and to judge myself and participate in the thought of “I am not as worthy of a person now”.
2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within thoughts of anxiety and stress within not having money for myself.
3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within thoughts and stress in relation to having or not having money.
4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be measured and rated based on the amount of money I have made and have in my account.
5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and participate in anxiety when I do not have any cash in my wallet and the money in the bank cannot be withdrawn.
6. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take things personally when my partner shares herself and expresses her points within money.
7. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself participate in fear and mistrust of others when I do not have money.
8. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow money to become an entity instead of money simply being practical tool within what is currently here as the system that must be worked with for the moment.
9. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear money.
10. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I only 'deserve' to use money when it is money that I have earned myself
11. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that money should determine how I feel about myself.
12. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate having money with having security and thus when I experience myself not having money, I experience insecurity, which causes me to experience myself as unstable and uncertain.
13. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live the realization that money is simply a tool to be used within the current system and that the current design of money is not based on equality or common sense – thus to not take it personally if I do not have money at the moment and simply realize that I am still here – that I will do whatever is necessary to support myself for the moment until an equal money system is established in this world.
14. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear never having money again
15. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear and anxiety due to believing that my life is unstable and my survival is threatened within not having money.
16. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire money within believing that having money will make me feel better.
17. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire money within the starting point of wanting the ability to get what I want, when I want it.
18. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the feeling and energetic experience of being able to buy whatever I want, whenever I want.
19. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate buying something with the experience of 'feeling good', within the design of instant gratification associated with buying something.
20. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty within having participated within the thought of “I don't deserve this” when my partner pays for something on my behalf.
21. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as inferior and unworthy within walking my agreement with my partner but not being able to contribute equally in terms of finances.
22. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to script and limit myself within the self-belief of “I am not able to make more money”
23. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself from making more money and having a more stable income within self-doubt and fear of money.
24. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of “I don't have enough money” as a reason/justification to not apply myself and push myself within establishing myself and my point of self-support within the matrix.
25. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse/justification of “I don't have enough money” to garner sympathy and condolences from others as energy for me to feed on as limitation/abdication.
26. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent my mother and the debts that I have not paid back and have not been able to pay back, and within this create a separation and friction around money.
27. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist approaching my partner within borrowing money and working with money in practical ways that support our walking together.
28. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my partner resents me and does not want to walk with me and work with me financially until I get myself stable again.

I stop. Instead of going into points of inferiority or self judgment, or participating in fear or stress, I will support myself within living the practical realization that money does not control me, and that I will do whatever is necessary to be done to support myself. Instead of arguing or becoming resentful to/towards my partner, I push myself and apply myself to bring the points of frustration and judgment back to myself and stand within the commitment to not allow my mind to tell me how to experience myself within the point of money and walking with my partner when I do not have as much money to contribute.

I discussed the point further with my partner and we came to an understanding with each other – that the money is not to be given energy as value and that it is to be used practically within the context of what is here and not to be resentful of one another when it comes to spending the money. It is simply here to be used – and it does not matter who has more of it or who makes more income – we both contribute our time and effort to walk together effectively to become stable and effective beings who are able to take on this system and change the money system to one that does support all life.

At the moment we must function in a system that does not and was not meant to support life. The current system must generate abuse and exploitation – and it is not currently possible for all to have the same level of income or financial stability. Within this I see and understand that what I can do is simply breathe and apply myself moment to moment and to work with what is here. I allow myself to use the current system to the best of my ability within the principle and understanding that there is no support for life currently – thus I must support myself so that my partner is not taking on extra financial burdens that will lead to stress and conflict within our walking.

So at the moment we are both facing who we are within the point of money – and it is cool because I am pushing myself within the application of not feeding my reactions and emotions and clearing myself of such movements in me as we discuss these points – otherwise the discussion becomes an argument and we do not actually get to a point of mutual agreement or support.

Emotional Baggage - Leaving it Behind

I have been facing a compounded and suppressed point for a while now and it is gotten to a point where I must direct this situation or will have to face manifested consequences that are quite abusive and not cool to have to manifest if I am able to take responsibility for it here and now.
I have been holding on to wanting to re-establish a relationship/agreement with my previous partner – wanting to 'prove' myself and be redeemed through her validation/acceptance – and within this I am holding my former partner hostage within a picture idea of who I think she is and what it would mean for me if she would be my partner again – holding on to the memories and experiences of the 'good times' within the relationship that we had – holding on to the feeling of acceptance and validation that I had placed outside of myself and separated myself from.

Now that I am walking in an agreement with another – this suppressed point is becoming more and more prominent and it is now clear that I must direct myself and expose this back-chat for what it is, and no longer allow for myself to be directed by the mind as memories of the past or secret mind judgments and spitefulness within disregarding what is here as life and disregarding the commitment that I am walking now. I cannot in fact walk a full commitment to this agreement when I am still having back-door thoughts about my previous partner.

It is not acceptable for me to say that 'I commit' to something and not actually fully commit – which is what I have done thus far – I have been walking my current agreement only partially – in that my starting-point was not absolutely crystal clear – and in fact I was still manipulating and deceiving in order for me to have an agreement so that I can 'prove' myself again – so that I can 'redeem' myself within separation – thinking that there is something outside myself that I require to 'redeem' me. Within this the agreement has not been of mutual support, mutual expansion – it has been out of my own self-interest within believing that being in an agreement will allow me to redeem myself – which is actually just a cover/excuse for me to not be self-honest with the fact that I am afraid to stand on my own – afraid of facing myself and taking responsibility on my own, and want somebody here with me to support me – but it would not be actual support within what is best for all and it would not be me actually pushing myself or directing myself – but rather wanting for the other to push me and be responsible for me because I do not accept myself and do not direct myself.

The desire to 'prove' myself and 'redeem' myself stems from how my previous relationship ended – where it had become clear that I was holding on to a picture/idea of my partner as the 'ideal partner' that I would like to have and be with which validated and fed my personality/ego – and that I was disregarding who she actually is and the process that she is walking – holding on to the energy of the relationship. This compounded to where she directed the point by ending our agreement/relationship. This left me to have to face myself within myself and no longer having a point within the agreement to 'correct' myself with/through her – and this is where I went into depression and had my experience of 'falling' – where I realized that I had manipulated and compromised myself and deliberately was deceptive to her in order to have a relationship – and within this I generated a lot of guilt and feeling like I had done something terrible – which is yet again another layer of self-manipulation – where instead of realizing simply “Hey, that was a fuck-up. Don't do that again.” and investigating the time-line to uncover what I was accepting within myself to have created such a play-out, I went into “Oh fuck, I fucked up so badly there, I am not worthy of life, I am a piece of shit, I do not deserve to walk this process....” which is how I allowed myself to continue existing within my mind as self-limitation and self-sabotage, where I then separate myself from self-forgiveness and self-responsibility, and instead seek validation/acceptance/forgiveness from my previous partner – making HER responsible for how I experience myself and what I allow within myself. I became possessed by the thought/desire of being accepted and forgiven by her for the 'terrible thing' that I had done – which was all a show for me to not get to the actual point – that I did not accept myself – that I did not know self-intimacy – and when I experienced acceptance and intimacy through the relationship I had with her, I latched onto it believing that it was only through that relationship that I could come to accept myself.

So within holding this point of wanting to prove myself in order to be acceptable to her again, I have consistently been in a point of competition with her – wanting to be better than or at least equal to her so that I can redeem myself – and the more I have allowed this point within me the more spiteful the thoughts have become – actually becoming jealous and envious of her – watching her continue her process and pushing herself and expanding herself and within this polarity, I judge myself and experience myself as diminishing and regressing – which I have been, due to holding on to all of this and not directing myself within it – thus actually diminishing myself and allowing this point to consume me instead of embracing these points, breathing, and working through them.

Within entering the agreement that I am walking now, I brought all of this baggage with me, and my starting-point was tainted by self-interest within wanting to redeem myself and wanting another to accept/validate me. All of the unresolved points that I had not cleared up within my previous agreement have now compounded and have accumulated within suppression – and now has become an entity that must be released – because at the moment my agreement is not based on what is HERE with me and my partner as we walk together, but me and my partner and all of the unresolved points within myself that are now part of our agreement because I carrying/holding onto these points, where I find myself participating in thoughts of being with my previous partner instead of walking fully here in my agreement, going into memories of 'good times' with my previous partner, wanting to experience myself as I had with my previous partner and believing that I am only able to enjoy myself with her, and holding the point of wanting to be forgiven and redeemed instead of actually facing myself and correcting myself.



I take responsibility. I am self-responsible for these points and I do not accept these points to continue directing me. I walk my commitment fully and I close this back-door. I release myself as well as my previous partner from the past as memories and ideas and I embrace what is HERE.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that things will be better or easier if I was walking with my former partner.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my previous partner has forever disregarded me and judged me as 'not worthy' when in fact I am the one who has disregarded myself and judged myself as 'not worthy' in order to not actually face myself within self-responsibility, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project onto my previous partner my own self-hatred and self-judgment.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto an idea/belief about my previous partner instead of embracing what is here as who she is as one as equal to and as myself – within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach and associate memories and thoughts upon the actual being of my previous partner instead of being here and embracing her expression unconditionally without comparing or wishing or projecting my own points onto her.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly wish that she will not enter an agreement with anyone else so that there can be a 'hope' or 'chance' that I might be able to relive the relationship that I had before



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'threatened' by other males who I judge as 'more effective' within fearing that they may enter an agreement with my previous partner, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite those who I see push themselves and direct themselves effectively out of my own point of self-interest and self-limitation.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stifle myself within wanting to redeem myself and prove myself instead of accepting myself and developing my self-intimacy and self-agreement.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in comparing my previous partner to the partner that I actually walk with, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly wish that my partner could be more like my previous partner so that I could play-out my point of getting 'redemption'



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not unconditionally enjoy my partner within holding on to back-chat points in relation to my previous partner



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek redemption and acceptance from others outside of myself



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my current partner against my former partner.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to enjoy myself unless I am with my former partner



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my current partner will not appreciate/enjoy my sense humor or expression



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed polarity based memories and experiences in which my previous partner is seen as 'stable' and 'applying' and 'expanding'. and then comparing my current partner becoming an energetic 'low' feeling.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to memories and experiences of the past within believing them to be special, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my actual experience of self and not actually face who I was in complete self-honesty within looking at my relationship with my previous partner.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition and program myself through guilt and emotional reactions of fear and resentment around the ending of my relationship with my previous partner.
I ALLOW myself to live the realization that my previous relationship was nothing special – I expanded myself in certain areas within it and I diminished myself in others. Who I am now has been influenced by that experience, but I determine in each breath who I am from this point forward and I determine whether or not I will continue to allow myself to be influenced by points that diminish me. I determine in each breather whether I accumulate the points that expand who and what I am within self-realization.
I have no regrets over my relationship with my previous partner.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within shame and self-judgment for manipulating and compromising my self-trust and self-honesty within that relationship and within this I take responsibility within awareness to stop participating in the same cycles.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to intentionally sabotage myself within my agreement within holding on to blame and projecting my own points of limitation onto my partner and blaming the agreement for me not expanding myself.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to intentionally not push myself and instead retreat back into compromising myself and wanting to 'go back' and 'fix' the past.



I unconditionally forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek validation/acceptance/redemption from my previous partner and I release myself, my previous partner, and my partner now from thoughts of comparison based on foggy memories taken out of context in order to justify my own point of not accepting myself and taking responsibility for myself.



I see my previous partner pushing herself, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite her expansion instead of appreciating her unconditionally. If/when she enters an agreement with another, I do not allow that to move me, I do not allow myself to judge myself, judge her, judge the partner she walks with.



There are few who walk and are willing to dedicate their lives to this process, and I will not allow my ego and self-interest or my self-limitations to limit me from supporting equally all who stand and push themselves. I will not allow myself to bring personal baggage and unresolved points into my relationships. I will not allow personality to be in the way of walking one and equal in full support of those who walk within the principle of what is best for all. It is petty for me to resist or hold onto awkwardness towards my previous partner due to back-chat and not directing myself, and it is petty to disregard the partner that I now walk with due to not fully being HERE in this agreement.

The past is past- it is gone now and forever, and I cannot fix or undo what has already been done. I what CAN do is support myself within each breath – within what is HERE in this moment – and determine for myself what I will accept and what I will allow, and within this I take responsibility for what I accumulate within myself, my relationships, my world. It is my responsibility to expand myself and to release and direct all points which I am allowing myself to be limited by. I do not wait for redemption – I redeem myself in each breath. In each breath I re-deem myself worthy and responsible.

I walk my agreement fully, and let go of the past, let go of my ego within wanting to be redeemed and playing out it's tragic hero programming. I push myself and direct myself as the god and authority of my being.

Getting back on the bike

There have been MANY points that have been opened up since moving in with Lindsay a few days ago - and experiencing massive lock-downs as well as resistances, blame, judgment, projection, manipulation, dishonesty within myself - facing many loops and moments of frustration within a point that keeps coming up and seemingly won't ever 'go away', and within this also seeing self-honestly how deep such limitations can go - and how hard the mind/ego can/will fight in order to not face change.

within facing such points the 'truth' of self comes forth and there is NO hiding - all becomes 'laid out' or 'played out' - meaning one either exposes the point and pushes self to correct and stop the pattern, or the point will continue to play out and manifest as consequence that must be faced.

what has assisted me greatly is sticking to the decision - to not give up - no matter what, and knowing that i will have to face a LOT of suppressed shit that i have not been thus far willing to change - all of the suppressed points will and MUST come out within walking an agreement with another and it does NOT feel good, it is NOT pretty, and it is NOT fun at all when experiencing points of frustration, blame, projection, self-denial, manipulation, and clashes of resonance/ego which WILL happen. walking an agreement is NOT a relationship where things are pre-programmed and simple and one simply does what one 'feels like'.

another point that i experience within walking with lindsay is having all of my self-beliefs, self-definitions, self-manipulations fall flat - as lindsay has become able to 'read' my actual physical indicators and can 'see right through me' as ego/mind - and also for myself getting a clearer 'view' of where i am still accepting self to remain within justification and hiding, refusing to let go of a point. as the point keeps coming up, it gets more and more obvious, and also the point becomes more and more ridiculous as the layers of justification, dishonesty, manipulation within self peel away and one accumulates the actual change. some points may take a day, some may take years - yet within having dedicated self to walking no matter what, it is certain - all points will be faced.

i see the importance of opening self up and being vulnerable - pushing self to participate with lindsay ESPECIALLY when there is resistance or lockdown - and within this bringing all points back to self and realizing that NOTHING that the 'other' says about you is actually about you - that we have system designs which automatically 'want to' and are very very 'good at' blaming, projecting, deflecting, manipulating when one is not self-aware. thus to not allow self to 'take it personally', which is something that i have participated in for a large part of my life and has become 'automatic' to a certain degree. within this it is not to justify or excuse self from taking responsibility and stopping self within this point or to create stories about how 'hard' or difficult it will be to stop this point - simply take the point in the moment and begin to accumulate for self the self-correction even if at first one must stumble and fumble and completely 'fall' - to keep standing back up - to keep getting back on the bicycle and not allowing self to give up - ever.

a point that i have been having a lot of trouble with is suppressing self and not sharing self - exposing self within vulnerability. i see that as this point has flared up time and time again - as i experience lindsay becoming more and more frustrated at having to put up with me going into lockdowns and not sharing self, more layers DO come off and i see more dimensions of myself within the points that i am facing.

Lindsay and I have very 'opposed' system programming - wherein we do not 'like' each other in terms of matrix relationships and often there is resistance to one another - wherein our system designs manifested as personality will 'clash' or simply have not point of relating or wanting to participate with each other - not finding a point of energy around which to generate experiences - which is actually very cool because it is exposing just how programmed and limited the mind/ego is - to such an extent that i have not acquired the ability to enjoy self with another regardless of who the other is - and instead have relied on relationships and attraction in order to 'facilitate' enjoying self with another.

i a am grateful for this agreement - that within this i am facing aspects and dimensions of self that i have not wanted to face - and seeing that in time, as we walk, i WILL change - and allowing myself to stumble and fall and completely 'fail' in the beginning - if that means that i will eventually stand absolute, and 'reminding' self of the opportunity that we have in this life to stop enslaving ourselves to the mind-consciousness systems, 'reminding' self that we are NOT the limitations of our pre-design.

thus i commit to continuing to walk this agreement, continuing to push myself within process, continuing no matter how many times i fall and have to start over - to get back on the bike each and every time until i stop falling.

Time loops for two? NO THANK YOU

A point opened up earlier today while I was having a chat with Lindsay. The point was related to money, and also the point of me not having 'enjoyed myself' within having money to do things like go to concerts, take trips, go to events, or having the ability to simply 'move' self within self-enjoyment and activities.

I have had an ingrained fear of money- specifically fear of 'not having enough money', which has been a prominent experience within my life, having defined myself as a person who 'never has enough money' and existing within and as that self-definition since my teenage years where the point became more prominent.

I have existed within the self-definition of 'I don't have enough money' also as a way to justify not pushing myself, not expanding myself, not being like 'others' who i saw in my world as being 'able to do things that they want' because they have money. having judged and accepted the idea within myself that i am not 'able' to do and have such things i used the point of money as a justification as to why i was not pushing myself to be able to have and do those things. instead of facing self and expanding self i had gone into the point of blaming money and fearing money.

over the years this has accumulated into a self-definition of 'i am a hard worker' and 'i earn my own money and do not rely on others' and also judging others who have money and use it for things that i had judged to be 'wasteful' and 'self-interest/consumerist' which was actually me resenting others for being able to have money to use to enjoy themselves and do the things i wanted to do, but did not allow myself to because of remaining within the self-definitions of 'i don't have enough money and i work hard for the money i have'.

self-honestly, this has been my way of 'coping' with self-limitation and allowing self to live within constant fear and uncertainty over money- which became a kind of 'comfort' because when i do not have enough money, i can get away with not having more responsibilities and not having to face myself within situations that are outside of my safe, routine, self-created bubble.

i see how i have limited myself within not taking on my education, not taking on more responsibilities at work, not allowing myself to get a car, not 'establishing' myself within the matrix, which all conveniently are justified within me 'not having enough money'.

thus this has been a 'core' method of defense for myself as ego/mind/pre-programmed enslavement, wherein i have made 'money' and 'work' a 'touchy' subject for me and have set up walls against it.

this point was opened up when Lindsay asked if I would like to attend some lectures that will be held in Portland. when she sent me the link i saw that the lectures covered very cool topics about sustainability, economics, food, energy, politics, etc and that i definitely wanted to attend, but immediately the point/thought came up of 'how much is this going to cost' and 'i don't think i can afford this'. i exposed to lindsay that i had this resistance come up and we talked about the points and i applied self-correction on fears based on money and also the point of not allowing self to enjoy self within attending events, going out and doing activities, spending money on things within self-expression, but i did not open up all of the points and was still having reactions and fears within self that i did not want to face and expose. Lindsay saw that i was 'sitting on a point' and pushed further and i exposed more, but still i did not open up all the way. i went into instant suppression and buried the points within myself, not wanting to expose my fears related to money, work, and my self-definition and comfort zone within being a 'worker'. i did not want to let go of my 'coping mechanism' of being a 'hard worker'. so when we spoke on the points and Lindsay asked if i was clear or whether i had any points still, i said that i was clear and that i was grateful for having the opportunity to walk through this with her.

so again this point of 'internalization' and wanting to take on points on my own and not exposing myself came to the surface and i did not direct myself within the moment and allowed myself to fall into a time-loop situation where i allowed a point to become suppressed.

on the way to work i noticed that i was not stable within self. i knew that i had fallen on something but was not clear with self and did not want to see that i had participated in deliberate deception in order to not face a point. at work i was very distracted- having many points of projection as well as pictures coming up within me which i was not stabilizing myself through by stopping and remaining here. thus it became clear that i had fucked myself and undermined my standing on the point of stopping my habit of internalizing and wanting to hold on to 'my own process' and not sharing my points, which undermines my trustability within the agreement. i saw that this is not a point i will accept or allow and that i must take responsibility and expose this point.

on the walk home from work, i spoke out loud for/as myself and got myself clear on the point and spoke self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements, and made it clear that i am no longer going to allow this to continue. having any points of not speaking self-honestly in every moment is not acceptable, and i have an opportunity with Lindsay to fully establish my self-honesty with another, thus completely unacceptable in any way whatsoever to speak within a point of defending my ego and not wanting to expose and let go of a point of limitation.

i established for myself the self-corrective action of immediately opening up all points, and when/if Lindsay asks if I am clear, to remain self-honest and say if there is a point or not. if the point has become suppressed and i do not have it within my consciousness but there is still energetic movement, i will express that. if there is a point but it has become suppressed and had become internalized, i express that. i 'out' myself always on all points so that i can let go of these limitations within myself and within all of existence. i remain self-honest always and will work with what is here in full exposure with Lindsay. i support myself by 'outing' the fact that i have a point that is not clear and needs to be worked on, and support myself and allow Lindsay to support me one and equal.

if there is a point, i say there is a point, and work it out from there instead of trying to 'hide' even though i know that there is no possibility of hiding anything within this agreement.

thus i stop this pattern here and now completely and support myself now and always to remain self-honest at all times. i walk this and i stand.

when i got home i called lindsay and woke her up lol. i told her that i had some points that i needed to discuss and we got on skype to chat. i exposed my point of having suppressed a point earlier today, and shared with her what was going on, correcting myself and exposing the entire point as well as establishing the application of if i have a point within self but it has become suppressed, it is 'okay' and i can simply share that i have a point that became suppressed, and Linday and I can then walk through the point from there or I can do self-writing or whatever it takes to clear the point- but to no longer accept in any way dishonesty of any kind and completely opening myself up within sharing. it is not acceptable to create time-loops when they are able to be prevented. i am committed to walk this agreement with Lindsay for the rest of my life - thus any and all time loops i must face, Lindsay must face with me. thus not acceptable to time-loop for two or even for one, for that matter.

to go back to the point of money-

i see that this has been an ingrained point and has been layered within myself over time, but this is NOT an excuse whatsoever to allow self to be directed within and as this limitation and i do NOT accept myself to allow for this point to continue. i take on and walk through all manifested consequence that must be faced in real-time for this point and i no longer re-create it within the mind. i will walk and adjust and correct this point now and always until it stops completely within self and within existence.

i stop existing within and as fear of money and fear of having to face myself within being in an environment where i have not 'planned for', am not 'prepared for', and do not have an established routine that i can follow. i stop existing within and as dependency on a 'routine', which is programming, which is NOT self-expression. i see and live the realization that i am entering a new situation and that i will be okay and not have to worry about survival and money and can experience myself in an 'unknown' frontier.

i let go of any and all fears of 'not knowing' because there is no such thing as actually 'knowing' what will happen. thus i stop existing within that delusion and allow self to experience self within vulnerability as well as self-trust in each moment, raw and 'unprepared'.

i relax NOW instead of waiting to 'relax' when i am physically in Portland with Lindsay.

i live NOW the embodiment of an equal money system instead of waiting for the day it 'happens'.




________ A VIDEO RESPONSE FROM LINDSAY ____________

My stay in Portland - Documenting Myself

ABOUT MY TRIP -

Last night i got back home from visiting Lindsay in Portland for about a week.

It began with me being informed of having a week off from work because of having to use up the rest of my vacation hours before the end of the year. Within me I had a sense of fear and energy come up within me at the thought of possibly booking a flight out to Portland to visit Lindsay- the fear being that this would be very "short notice" of me... and is not something I would normally do. Thus seeing this resistance and seeing how I had created a fear of actually going to Portland to visit Lindsay for a week with only one day to prepare, I decided to breathe through the resistances and on that night I discussed with Lindsay over Skype my idea to fly out to see her. Lindsay had mentioned a possibility of me moving out to Portland and staying with her while I go to school, and we had also discussed being open to exploring whether she and I could develop an agreement together. I had already made some arrangements with Kelly to move out to PA, and in looking back I now see that my decision to move out to PA to stay with Kelly was driven by my desire to "run away" from my situation here and to be in an environment that was "better" for my process. More on this point later.

For a while I had decided to go to PA and stay with Kelly to work and study together and saw it as "my only option" to find some stability as I walk my process. Within the desire to "run away" from my situation here and judging the environment and the people around me, I wanted to just "leave it all behind" to start a "new life" out in PA. And within holding this desire to go to PA i saw i had formed pictures and ideas about my life being "better" once i "go out there" even though I had not actually investigated the point of what exactly I will be doing in PA besides trying to get a job, saving money, going to school, and hanging out with and working/studying with Kelly. I saw that I cannot simply allow myself to be satisfied with chasing an idea about what PA is and to not allow myself to investigate the possibility of going to Oregon.

Thus this is how I made the decision of flying to Portland on short notice for a week- so that I am able to physically in space-time investigate and see for myself if it would be practical to move to Portland and work/study/live with Lindsay, and also to verify for myself in actuality whether it would be effective for me to enter an agreement with Lindsay instead of remaining within my own fears and thoughts about what that might "look like" within my secret mind.

A point that has been brought up for me within this is the point of self will, self movement, and self trust. Booking my flight and going to Portland was something that was very much against my "programmed design" of wanting to have everything planned out at least a few weeks in advance, wanting to have everything 'set up' for me, wanting to mull over and calculate everything in my mind before i make a step, constantly second guessing myself over my decisions. Thus it has been effective support for me to drop this preference and pattern and simply MOVE myself in the physical and to trust that I will be able to sort things out in REAL TIME, and trusting that I have SELF FORGIVENESS no matter what. Pushing this point has allowed me to notice and stop much of my programming based on fear and the belief of self incompetence which I see I have lived within and as for many years. It has been cool to see that i am capable of dropping this pattern and that i am indeed able to change.

MEETING UP WITH LINDSAY-

In the beginning i was still in my personality patterns and participating in energetic movements within myself while i was interacting with Lindsay the first few moments. I remember that I wanted to seem "cool" and "confident" and that I wanted her to "like" me. This however did not last lol. I quickly saw that participating within any kind of energy or self projection would not work and saw the dishonesty within it. Lindsay would unconditionally point out when i was in an energetic state- and there would be no refuting the fact that i was indeed participating in energy. I would then expose the thoughts and emotions behind my energetic expressions and would see for myself how the dishonesty that i have allowed within myself will not be tolerated.

My experience being around Lindsay for the first few days was "intense"- i had not personally been around anybody else in process who was as consistent as Lindsay and it was cool to see how dedicated she is to revealing herself and stopping her patterns and investigating every part of herself and sharing that openly and unconditionally. for me this was a bit 'too much' at first- i was not accustomed to bringing up each and every thought, pattern, or reaction that comes up within me. for a while i felt as though i was 'on trial' because i felt that everything i was doing- every thought that came up within me- was being watched by lindsay and she would consistently call out what she saw- within every movement of my eyes indicating thought or dishonesty (thought IS dishonesty)and every gesture i was making with my body. although i went into self judgment and justification for many of the points that came up, i enjoyed the constant support lindsay offered within unconditionally exposing all of these things and going into the fine details of the thoughts, memories, and emotional contents of my patterns and playouts. it was shocking to me, to see how specific our body assist us when we are here and take the time to notice our own dishonesties and self manipulations from the mind.

for the first few days lindsay and i would wake up, start our day together, and simply share ourselves openly with each other and expose and push every point that came up in our discussions. this would go on all day and we would not stop or allow any justification or deception within ourselves or each other. we would then go to bed and repeat the same the next day. lindsay was very effective at calling out any points that she noticed within me, and over time i began to grow comfortable within sharing myself openly as well as pushing to reveal points within lindsay, after pushing through my initial judgments and reactions and establishing a point of equal communication.

there was judgment for many days of lindsay being 'militant', wherein i experienced myself as "having to 'stand at attention'" and to not show that i had any points or dishonesties.

but this was assisting for me because it was revealing to me how much i had separated myself from the point of absolute self commitment and directness within my process. lindsay was showing me to myself and revealing how i had not accepted and allowed for myself the point of consistency and discipline within taking responsibility for myself within my process and how i have become dependent on others as well as how i have become 'lazy' within not pushing myself.

SELF CORRECTION IN REAL TIME-

TAKING IT BACK TO SELF- a particularly effective and supportive thing that lindsay and i had done was to speak and share ourselves fully and to push through our resistances and secrets and to push the point of exposing ourselves and getting to a point of self responsibility within self honesty- "Taking it back to Self" was the modus operandi of our time together- always taking each and every point of resistance, blame, justification, judgment, and dishonesty back to the point of self and standing within the self realization of how we are creating what is in our world. within this we pushed the point of it is never about what the other person is doing or who's fault it is, but to always insist on bringing the point to self and applying self correction/self forgiveness.

COMMUNICATION AND SHARING UNCONDITIONALLY- many points were brought up within our application of spending entire days together constantly communicating and pushing and exposing ourselves- points that i within myself have not considered before- points that were buried within self definitions and self accepted limitations. these points came up within myself and within lindsay as well as we simply shared ourselves and did not hold anything back- pushing ourselves and each other to stand within self honesty in our communication and to stand from a starting point of not judging or wanting to control but simply to stand as equal support as we expose ourselves and reveal our own mind constructs and patterns through speaking/sharing.

PHYSICAL INDICATORS- there is much assistance within being aware of our physical indicators such as odd breathing, shifting of our eyes, averting our heads, twitches, shrugging shoulders, hiding hands, posture, tonality of voice, etc... all of which are clear indicators of what is actually going on within us. even things like grabbing a pencil or shifting our feet are indicators of secret mind/subconscious communication and when we allow ourselves to be open and expose these things without judgment, there is much assistance and support. our physical bodies are constantly and consistently communicating the actual truth of ourselves.

INTEGRATING SELF CORRECTION- physically reading out loud self forgiveness as well as physically stating out loud self corrective statements is of great support within actually integrating at the physical level any self realizations and self corrections one has determined to make. by physically within time and space, using our actual physical human bodies in participating in living the change and realizations that we have become aware of, we actually integrate equal and one within and as the physical human body our living statements of correction- becoming the Living Word instead of having self realizations and self corrective statements existing only as thoughts within our minds. another application is to go directly to the point of physical correction when able- to actually physically participate in structurally changing a pattern that has been revealed. for example, after clearing many points within ourselves through communication, self forgiveness out loud, and establishing trust within ourselves, lindsay and i arrived at the point of physical comfortability with each other- which required that we actually push through resistances and physically touch and establish physical comfortability and standing as self intimacy shared with another equal and one. there will come a point within every realization and self correction wherein one must actually physically change/move/direct self. in these moments when one is clear, self forgiveness is applied, and the realization is firmly integrated as self, one must actually physically walk that realization in space/time- and even then nothing has been 'transcended' until it has stood the test of time within being consistent. when making decisions or applying self realizations, one CANNOT trust that the mind will 'figure it out' or that it will simply do what is best for all because you've seen it within yourself- one can only trust the physical- bring the realization to the actual PHYSICAL through speaking, writing, participating, touching, moving, breathing- thus ACTUALLY integrating the change and correction.

REALIZATIONS GALORE-

My stay with Lindsay has been the most supportive thing I have done for myself so far within process. Seemingly countless points had been opened up for myself to see, realize, and correct. Getting to a point of absolute clarity and certainty within many points that I had buried deep within myself was an experience that i am grateful for. learning with another to establish for myself the point of self dedication and effectiveness is something that will assist me greatly in my process.

the point of 'running away' and wanting to go to stay with Kelly as well as my fears/justifications of how/why i am not effective within my current situation here in California has allowed me to see clearly and without justification/blame/dishonesty that it would be effective and practical for me to move to Portland and continue my process with Lindsay, as we have firmly established effective communication, self will, and have integrated effective support for each other within pushing ourselves and each other.

i see now that i am not 'running away' from what i have created within my current situation by moving to portland... or anywhere else for that matter. i see now within self honesty in having gotten to a point of clarity within self that i do not have to move or 'run away' from anything- that i am able to be stable and support myself here, or in PA with Kelly, or in Portland with Lindsay. i see within self honesty that me moving to Portland and continuing with Lindsay would be the most practical and effective thing to do at this moment, and that is what I shall walk. I see also that i am able to let go of portland as well- as this is not a decision based on preference, but on physical practicality within self honesty. whether i am in portland with lindsay, or in PA with Kelly, or alone here in california, i remain.

ESTABLISHING THE AGREEMENT-
On the very last day of my visit, after five days of spending our time together- consistently communicating and sharing- consistently opening up points and immediately integrating self correction, as well as clearing up back doors, secrets, and establishing unconditional support and communication as well as establishing self intimacy without energetic pictures or desires, it was decided that lindsay and i would enter an agreement to walk together as self willed equals, assisting and supporting each other to walk our process- to make full use of all of the tools at our disposal to assist ourselves and each other to let go of our limitations and programming and to establish our equality and self honesty to the utmost. what is cool for me is to stand clear that this is not based on desires, need for sex, attraction, or dependency- that this is an effective opportunity for self expansion and perfection with another.

there were fears of us going 'too fast' within entering an agreement together, and for myself i see there are points where i have weaknesses that i must work on and walk through- but i am confident that i am able and willing to walk these points when the come up and i will not allow myself to participate in fears of not being able to 'handle it' or fears of 'losing the support of lindsay'. there are not guarantees- there is only self forgiveness. i will not participate in waiting until some force outside of me tells me 'i am ready for an agreement'. i will stand here and face what comes no matter what, and trust myself that i will do what is necessary.

i am currently back home and will not be in portland for about a month and a half. so far there has not been any change in my standing within not being physically with lindsay- thus i am clear that i am not creating dependency on lindsay. this will be cool to see where i am not standing as myself while i am here and not with lindsay and will expose what i still require to work on and integrate. there have been points of 'missing' lindsay but it has not been of an emotional kind of "wishing lindsay were here so i could feel better/feel loved/feel accepted", but of a sense of remembering the effective support of being with lindsay which i currently am without- so it is cool to push myself to not 'need' lindsay while we are apart, and to not create points of separation.